Lover vs. Loved

A totally 50-50 relationship is as rare as finding a pair of pristine Jimmy Choos in a charity shop in your size. 'Ninety-nine per cent of relationships are far from equal in the power stakes,' says Tony Wrighton, the dating expert behind the audiobook Dating Confidence In 30 Minutes (Tony Wrighton). 'There's always a lover who chases and a loved who sits back and basks in adoration. Each relationship starts with a power struggle that forges an ingrained behaviour blueprint. Surprisingly though, the one with the power doesn't necessarily have the most fun.' Read on to find out which one you are.

YOU'RE THE HEAVYWEIGHT IF…
• You can throw a door-slamming tantrum without a flicker of fear that you might get dumped afterwards.
• You're the hugged rather than the hugger in bed.
• He chased you right from the start – and still does.
'He panders to you, so you're enviably secure. However, the downside is that you miss out on those breathless peaks of passion and exquisite pangs of longing. You tend to back off when he Iavishes attention on you, so try doing the opposite. As he grows more secure, you'll find it has a domino effect. He'll play more 'hard to get' and thus seem more attractive. It's win-win. Whatever you do, don't abuse your power, as you may wake up in six month's time to find the goalposts have shifted – it often happens.'

YOU'RE THE FEATHERWEIGHT IF…
• It's usually you who sends the olive-branch text message after a fight.
• You sometimes sit and just watch him sleep.
• Some days you literally feel like you can't live without him.
'This doesn't mean he's not totally in love, it just means the dynamic of your relationship is tipped more in his favour. The pay-off is that you get a more acute buzz of excitement when you see him. To redress the balance, try implementing "the law of scarcity". Imagine you're in a wine cellar. After a few glasses you'd get bored. But if you're only given half a glass, you fantasise about having more. Ration yourself to him. Say "I love you" half as often and only text him when he texts you. He'll soon notice and clamour to get your attention back. Don't smother him; sit back and enjoy watching him chase you for a while instead.

Author: Catherine Gray and Michael Diggle