Flatmate to Boyfriend
Flatmates Chris, 22, and Rachael, 19, were both content in their own relationships. But as they spent more time together, Rachael started to feel more and more annoyed that Chris was hanging around with another girl: his girlfriend. ‘I didn’t like her at all,’ says Rachael. ‘She was selfish and whiny. I started comparing myself to her, wondering why Chris would rather be with her than me.’
Welcome to one of the wonders of the urban age: falling in love with your flatmate. Like strolling through a field of landmines to get to a gelato shop, it’s fraught with danger – but it can work out.
THE FIRST MOVE
Five months after Chris moved in, he and Rachael eventually found themselves simultaneously single. One night, Rachael was sick in bed with a stomach ache. ‘I was in my room crying, feeling awful,’ she says. ‘I got an SMS from Chris saying, “If you need a hug or anything just come into my room.” So I did, and I fell asleep cuddled up to him while we watched a movie. Every night after that I’d go into his room, and we’d watch TV and talk until three in the morning. Then one night he just started kissing me,’ she says, smiling. ‘We’re kind of together now – I think – but I’m not sure exactly where I stand.’
THE NEXT MOVE?
Relationships counsellor Aileen Smith thinks getting it on with your flatmate can be a positive start to a relationship. ‘When you’re single and looking for love you try to put forward your best possible self. The great thing about getting together with a flatmate is that you already know what they’re like.’ Rachael, however, doesn’t know what she should do now. ‘Just allow the chemistry to evolve and see what happens,’ advises Smith.
BUMPS UNDER THE THIRD WHEEL
Unfortunately, there’s an obstacle to Chris and Rachael’s chemistry evolving. The third flatmate in the house, Quentin, hasn’t liked Chris since he moved in. ‘Since Chris and l have been a bit coupley, he’s pissed at both of us,’ Rachael says. ‘And he bitches to our mutual friends, saying we’re selfish and don’t do housework – which isn’t true.’ The old saying, ‘Two’s company, three’s a crowd’ rings true in a houseshare romance scenario. Smith says it’s the responsibility of the couple to make sure the other housemates feel comfortable. ‘The couple needs to have boundaries and not get in peoples’ faces. If they can’t do that, then they should make other arrangements,’ she says.
GET A ROOM
If you are serious, you could consider moving out to give your relationship space. ‘When you live apart you’re excited about seeing each other, you plan for the weekend – it’s just a fun, enjoyable part of a relationship,’ says Smith. Another reason to stay independent is that while it’s easy to move in together, it’s not as simple to move out (i.e. break up). ‘If you’re not tangled up in cohabitation it’s easier to say, “I’m not happy anymore, I want to go separate ways”,’ says Smith. Of course, it still hurts, but at least you don’t have to go through the stress of breaking the lease and finding somewhere to live.
HE LOVES ME NOT
Not every flattie crush ends happily. lf you have feelings for him but he has a partner, or worse, gives a different girl a noisy tour of his bedroom every week, Smith suggests some realistic self-talk. ‘Say to yourself, “OK, that option isn’t available,” and get on with your life. Direct your energy away from him, into your study, work or social life.’ And of course, there’s always the possibility that things will work out in a relationship that evolves from friendly flatties to love.