Facestalking
The whole thing started innocently enough. Julia*, 24, a marketing assistant, was looking at photos on her boyfriend's Facebook account with a work colleague when she saw two new female friends she'd never heard of before – office buddies? Unlikely, as Tom worked for a bank that was pretty much a boys' club. Old school friends? Possibly, but they looked younger than him. And that's when she started to get a little obsessed…
'I began checking his page daily for new female friends or posts from the girls I'd already seen. I tried to guess his password to check his private inbox. I quizzed him about every little thing that he did when he wasn't with me, hoping he'd eventually drop the names I'd seen,' she admits.
Finally, Julia got an answer, of sorts. 'I read one of the girls' posts: something about how cute his dog was. I went crazy imagining them taking the dog on romantic walks together and accused him of having an affair. She turned out to be the daughter of his parents' neighbour, who lives in the UK and had met the dog her recent trip home while his mum was dog-sitting. He hadn't seen her himself for five years,' she says. Not long after her accusation, Tom broke up with Julia – and it wasn't just because of her actions on this particular occasion; her insecure behaviour had been driving him nuts for months.
WHERE'S THE TRUST?
Julia's tales of Facestalking are hardly unusual – the fact that there's a commonly used name for this behaviour proves just how many of us have given in to it, or known someone who has. What starts as a way to catch up with old friends, flirt with cute strangers and be entertained during TV ad breaks can easily turn into an all-consuming obsession. After all, when all the information is just sitting there, it takes a strong woman not to take a sneaky peek at it, right?
'There's no harm in spending time on Facebook, [but] I don't believe it's ever a good thing to snoop. It's undignified and disrespectful,' says psychologist Nicky Ruscoe. 'If you do trust him, it's healthy for you both to have your own interests and friends. A bit of mystery can be good. Give them the benefit of the doubt; don't lower yourself to snooping. I know it's tempting, but it's a betrayal of their privacy. And if they find out, it can erode their trust in you.'
Of course, sometimes there may be a legitimate reason for you to suspect your boyfriend – or for him to suspect you. After coming home drunk one night, Steven, 27, logged on and saw that one of his 'friends' – just an acquaintance in real life – had listed herself as a 'swinger' and 'in an open relationship'. They ended up having some pretty suggestive e-banter. But when she realised Steven was in a serious relationship, the girl was disgusted and forwarded the whole thread to his girlfriend, who ended up moving out, over what Steven claims was nothing but a stupid, drunken mistake.
STATUS: A SYMBOL?
It's true that these websites make it easier to cross the line – for example, people who'd never dream of flirting in a bar may think nothing of sending a similar message via MySpace – but the fact that divorce courts are now citing flirtatious e-mails and posts on networking sites to prove 'unreasonable behaviour' shows that it's not as harmless as we'd like to think. 'If you believe there is definitely something more flirtatious and serious going on, or if there has been a lot of contact between [your boyfriend and] one person, gently question what the friendship means to him. Ask upfront whether you need to worry about his female friends,' advises Ruscoe. 'Don't become preoccupied with it. You can't force him to change, but you can let him know how you feel about it.'
Amanda, 22, a fashion assistant, absolutely blames Facebook for her current relationship issues. 'I've been seeing this guy, Dan, for two months and it's all going well,' she says. Except for the fact that Dan's relationship status still says 'single'. 'I'm obsessed with the fact that he hasn't changed it, if he will change it, when he will change it, why he hasn't changed it...' she says. Suddenly, making your relationship 'Facebook official' has become the grown-up version of asking your primary school crush to 'go 'round with you'. But is it worth all the angst? Ruscoe believes that, regardless of whether your relationship has a label on a site, it shouldn't have any effect on your real-life romance. 'I think a lot of guys are scared [to make that step]. They might really like you, but it takes time for them to catch up. If he does all the right things but is just a little slow to go public, don't worry.'
Facestalkee Kathleen, 23, closed her account after constant fights with her boyfriend over flirty Facebook posts from randoms: 'Before you can deactivate your account it asks for your reason. One of the options is: "Facebook is resulting in a social drama for me." That's when I realised [we] weren't the only ones having issues!'
*Names have been changed