Does Your Love Need a Fresh Start?
Why is it that sometimes you meet the perfect guy under the most sketchy of circumstances? So should you give it up? Play it safe? Not necessarily. Getting things right from the very start is a nice thought – but we can't always get things exactly right with those first encounters. Fortunately, it's never too late to create a different, more positive dynamic in your relationship, even if it did get off to a dodgy beginning.
ONE OF YOU WAS CHEATING
The False Start: It's hard enough making a relationship work without worrying that the person who cheated could cheat again. 'Look at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie,' says relationships expert Beth Schoenfeldt. 'She "stole" him from another woman and, ever since, she's seemed desperate to hang on to him.' That kind of desperation can send a man running.
The Fresh Start: First, face up to the facts – you're together because one of you had an affair, and that's not an honourable start. 'If you have any guilt, discuss it,' says psychologist Dr Petra Boynton. Also, you must address each other's concerns about fidelity – even harmless flirting can seem threatening in these cases.
YOU DID THE CHASING
The False Start: Men sometimes need a nudge from us to get things started. 'But if you find you're still doing all the work long after that first date, you could start to wonder whether he really wants you,' Boynton says.
Justine*, 27, says she often felt like she was about to lose her boyfriend. 'I felt l needed to keep chasing Neil* to keep him,' she says. Another issue is that the partner isn't given space to express himself. 'There's a difference between having the confidence to make the first move and beating him into submission,' Boynton adds.
The Fresh Start: Make subtle shifts in your behaviour to get him to contribute more to the relationship. If you're assertive, step back and let your man make some decisions – ask him to choose where you're going out. 'And be prepared to go along with his plan, even if it isn't exactly what you'd do,' Schoenfeldt says. 'He'll soon start showing more initiative.'
YOU FOUGHT FOR HIM
The False Start: Watching two girls fight for his affections is most guys' idea of heaven. If you came out on top, that's great – unless the winning mattered more to you than the prize. Be honest about how you feel now you've got the guy. 'The danger is once the drama's over, both of you feel a sense of anticlimax,' says Thurnauer. 'You might start trying to find unhealthy ways to reintroduce that excitement, like picking fights, followed by passionate reunions.'
The Fresh Start: 'There's nothing wrong with a couple needing excitement, but you need healthy ways to get it,' Thurnauer says. 'Do exciting things together, like bungee jumping.' But if you suspect he misses the thrill of girls competing for him, you have a problem. 'If you both agree to flirt but know your bond is strong, that's fine. But if he starts suggesting threesomes, you're playing with fire,' adds Thurnauer.
YOU DRIFTED INTO IT
The False Start: 'l hooked up with Keith* when I was tipsy at a party and, after that, we sort of slipped into seeing each other three nights a week,' admits Annemarie*, 25. 'I was still telling everyone I knew that he was just someone I was seeing. Next thing I knew, he was announcing our one-year anniversary.'
'[Drifting] is one of the most common ways for relationships to start,' says Boynton. As long as you're both happy, that's fine, she adds, 'But if either of you start wanting more certainty or clarity, you need to address that.'
The Fresh Start: First, think about why you're still drifting. It may have become a habit. 'Chat about where the relationship is going,' Boynton says. Ask him, 'Are we going to do this, or not?' If his answer is yes, you both need to start giving the relationship some structure. If you sense things are drifting because he's taking you for granted, says Schoenfeldt, start doing more things on your own. And if you're taking him for granted, start making more of an effort with him.
*Names have been changed