Breaking Up 2.0

‘Breaking up with someone is never easy and it usually takes some time to get used to not sharing your life with each other,’ says Johannesburg-based counselling psychologist, Lauren Moss. Add social media to the mix and it only becomes worse.

While you can create distance when you’re offline, she says, staying connected to his Facebook or Twitter updates enables you to continue to share in your ex’s day-to-day routines. This only prolongs the period of getting over a relationship, she explains. ‘Just as you needed time and space to get over a relationship before the digital age, you will need time and space online to ensure you can truly disconnect from a relationship.’

CLICK DELETE
It is unhealthy to keep hanging on to a relationship that has died, says Sandton-based psychologist, Dr. Tanya Robinson. ‘You have to move on and cut the ties.’ Life and relationship coach, Shelley Lewin, agrees. Delete him from Facebook, stop following him on Twitter and don’t accept him as a contact on any other social media networks, she says. This is the best way to create that much-needed time and space, adds Moss.

FRIENDSHIP WOES
Having mutual friends can make breaking up and disconnecting from your ex a battle. ‘You need to prepare yourself for the fact that you may come across your ex when interacting with mutual friends,’ says Moss. ‘Seeing him tagged in a friend’s photo on Facebook may be as painful as seeing him across the room at a party.’ However, she explains, when you’re online, you have the power to log off and deal with your reaction without offending anyone, unlike at a party where leaving might not be as easy or anonymous.

Keeping the doors open is often because you don’t want to be alone, have feelings for your ex or can’t let go, says Robinson. It is therefore important to have limited contacted with your ex and your mutual friends and rather focus on new beginnings, she adds.

STALKER ALERT
Whether you’re following him on Twitter or checking his Facebook profile, stalking your ex online is easy, says Moss. Don’t fall into this trap, she warns. ‘You need to ask yourself why you are so compelled to spend valuable time (and bandwidth) on someone that is not supposed to be a part of your life anymore.’

‘Stalking him and knowing his whereabouts will only make you feel worse,’ agrees Lewin. You are in control of your hands and fingers, she says, so be kind to yourself and give yourself time to get over the raw feelings. If you’re angry or sad, says Moss, and you feel the only way you can cope with these feelings is by staying connected, you’re not really dealing with these emotions at all. ‘Cyber stalking is a clear indication that there is unfinished business and you may need to take some time to reflect on this, or seek objective perspectives from a friend or professional.’

If you still have access to his passwords, says Moss, rather than be tempted to use them, think about what you would do if you had his house keys. ‘Would you go in and trash his house or would that be too extreme a reaction? How you treat online property should be guided by the same principles as offline property.’

DISCONNECTING DECISIONS
‘Being connected is a great gift of the 21st century, as we are able to maintain relationships that wouldn’t normally last and keep in touch with more people than ever before,’ explains Moss. However, she says, people always tend to know your business and excluding someone from your life isn’t an easy task. When it comes to deciding whether or not to remain connected with an ex, she says, it may be useful to use yourself as a guide. ‘Ask yourself “How would I feel if he deleted me off Facebook?” If the answer is that you would understand and not be offended, then you can disconnect without worrying.’ On the other hand, she adds, if you think you would be angry, betrayed or offended, then you clearly need to spend more time healing away from your ex… and less time surfing the Internet seeking him out.’

Author: Lindi Brownell