Cosmopolitan.com http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za Cosmopolitan.com http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za/images/cosmo_logo_toolbox.gif Money en-us catherined at cosmopolitan dot co dot za Copyright 2009 Why Guy Friends are Great http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/why-guy-friends-are-great-pg1
They Tell It Like It Is While your girlfriends will listen endlessly to the creative reasons you've conjured up for why he hasn't called (and contribute a few of their own, just to make you feel better), your male buddy is much more likely to level with you. It might hurt to hear that your latest crush just doesn't like you that much, but getting it straight will help you to move on a whole lot faster. It's like ripping off a plaster – a quick sting, and then it's over. Why obsess over the details of your last date and blame yourself for all kinds of things when he just wasn't feeling it? Ditto, fights with your girlfriends: a guy friend will be less inclined to join you in the dissing, and more inclined to point out that where you were out of line. This helps you to keep things in perspective, and take responsibility where it's due.
They Don't Judge You
There's No Jealousy
They Teach You About Men

]]> Mon, 30 Jan 2012 12:00 +0200 Love Truths (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/love-truths-part-two-pg1
We've all been there, which is why we said, 'Enough already' and decided to go on a hunt for any basic relationship principles we can rely on for answers. Bingo. Consider them Love Laws - rock-solid truths about men and couplehood that always add up.

With these romance facts (go back to Part One if you haven't read the first part of this article), you'll spare yourself a lot of drama and mental anguish. Okay, fine, at least some of it.




Love Law #5: He's Going To Have a Fall-From-Grace-Moment - Deal With It A few months into every relationship, there's a turning point when you realise he's not exactly the perfect Zeus you've made him out to be. Maybe he mentions he didn't matriculate high school or he was once married for six months. Whatever the issue, it shatters the notion that he's The Greatest Guy Ever. But get over it. 'The problem isn't his fall from grace, it's that you're making a huge deal out of something from his past that isn't really an issue anymore,' says clinical psychologist and author of Relationships For Dummies (For Dummies), Dr Kate Wachs. So before you freak out, ask yourself, 'Okay, this isn't great, but is he still the same person?'
Love Law #6: You're Allowed To Have One Boyfriend and 86 Crushes
Love Law #7: Don't Get Stuck Thinking There's Only One Soul Mate For You In The Entire Solar System
Love Law #8: You Must Have Bad Sex To Have Brilliant Sex

<<<Go Back To Part One

]]> Mon, 06 Feb 2012 12:00 +0200 Love Truths (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/love-truths-part-one-pg1
We've all been there, which is why we said, 'Enough already' and decided to go on a hunt for any basic relationship principles we can rely on for answers. Bingo. Consider them Love Laws - rock-solid truths about men and couplehood that always add up.

With these romance facts, you'll spare yourself a lot of drama and mental anguish. Okay, fine, at least some of it.





Love Law #1: If He Doesn't Call You In a Week, He's Not Interested It's royally frustrating to meet a guy, totally connect with him, and then... silence. Why isn't he calling, dammit? During that agonising seven-day dead zone when he's not phoning you, it's easy to make excuses like, 'Maybe he lost my number' or, 'He's probably just really busy.' But don't waste your time over-analysing his motives or hoping he'll come to his senses and call... eventually. Men know the game better than you think. Even if his dog dies or he's swamped at work, seven days is more than enough time for him to find five minutes to call. 'When a guy lets a week pass before he contacts you, it's his way of forcing casualness in the relationship,' says clinical psychologist, Dr Judith Sherven. 'It's an unspoken signal that he doesn't want to pursue you seriously, either because the timing is off or he just didn't ‘click’ with you.' The bottom line is, if he's in it for real, he'll wait two, three days tops to contact you again to ensure no one else swoops in to take you off the market (it's the Darwinian Code of Dating). If he's already leaving you hanging, take it as an early warning and mentally cut the connection.
Love Law #2: By Date Three, You May Mentally Reject Him
Love Law #3: Your Single Friends Don't Entirely Mean It When They Say They're Happy For You
Love Law #4: No Man Wants To Turn Into Your Best Friend

>>>Go To Part Two

]]> Thu, 02 Feb 2012 12:00 +0200 Awkward First Date Questions http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/awkward-first-date-questions do not, fill uncomfortable silences with these questions...

• 'You seem familiar - have we hooked up before?' (He reads: skank)

• 'So, how much money do you make?' (He reads: superficial gold-digger)

• 'I don't swallow, just so you know...' (He reads: presumptuous and sexually repressed)

• 'Am I hotter than your last girlfriend?' (He reads: insecure and potentially psycho)

• 'How's your (air quotes) "steak"?' (He feels: inadequate)

• 'Have you ever had an STD?' (He feels: grossed out)

• 'How much do you think I weigh?' (He reads: neurotic and self-obsessed)

• 'Would you like a breath-mint?' (He feels: mortified)

• 'Don't you think our patriarchal society is just messed up?' (He reads: feminist)

• 'I've designed my own wedding dress, want to see it?' (He feels: terrified senseless)

Got it? Good.

]]> Mon, 23 Jan 2012 12:00 +0200 Signs He's Hung Up On His Ex http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/signs-hes-hung-up-on-his-ex-pg1
He Compares You To Her Men who are stuck on a former flame will find ways to bring her up in conversation -even when they're complimenting you. Be wary of such pseudo-praise like, 'You're so much sweeter than she is.' His words may feel flattering, but they indicate he's emotionally attached to his previous partner.
He Flaunts Your Relationship
You Could Pass as Her Twin

]]> Thu, 26 Jan 2012 12:00 +0200 When You Shouldn't SMS Him http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/when-you-shouldnt-sms-him-pg1
After Your First Few Dates It may be tempting to contact a guy straight after an amazing date, but resist the urge. 'Reaching out lessens the thrill of the chase for him,' says psychologist Diana Kirschner, author of Love in 90 Days (Center Street). Play it cool by being a bit mysterious.
When You're Drunk
When You're Angry
When You're Trying To Be Funny
When You've Already SMSed Him That Day

]]> Wed, 18 Jan 2012 12:00 +0200 Should You Give Him an Ultimatum? http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/should-you-give-him-an-ultimatum-pg1 The Ultimate Compatibility Quiz (Sourcebooks Inc.) Here's the catch: Men are notoriously skittish about 'until death do us part', so having The Talk is a delicate business.

When To Bring It Up Every couple sets a different relationship pace, so there's no rule that says you should be discussing a proposal after X amount of time. That said, there are some guidelines you can abide by. If you've been together for only four or five months, it's too soon to detail what kind of ring you lust after. At this point, you're still getting to know each other, and it may weird him out. At the same time, it's not realistic to wait years before bringing it up. 'After you've been in a serious, monogamous relationship for over a year, it's reasonable to want to talk to him about your future,' says Bloom.
How To Do It
Now Back Off

Need to talk about your relationship? Click here to find qualified counsellors.

]]> Thu, 12 Jan 2012 12:00 +0200 Clues He's Hooked On You http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/clues-hes-hooked-on-you-pg1
He Becomes Really Helpful Men crave feeling needed, and when they're in love, they'll invent ways to be of assistance, like mowing your lawn or washing your car. Yes, it's more practical than romantic, but his heart is in the right place.
He's Happy Just To Hang
Things Remind Him Of You
He Gives You a Sweet Nickname

]]> Mon, 09 Jan 2012 12:00 +0200 Questions To Always Ask Her http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/questions-to-always-ask-her-pg1
'How Was Your Doctor's Appointment?' Sure, you have a lot going on - work, watching sports, watching other sports - but when your girlfriend mentions she has a doctor's appointment, ask her later on how it went. 'Making sure she's okay demonstrates that you feel protective and are sensitive to the anxiety the appointment may have caused her,' says Dr Diana Kirschner, author of Love In 90 Days (Center Street). Hey, when else can five words earn points for manliness and sensitivity?
'What Would You Like To Do This Weekend?'
'How Is Your Friend Doing These Days?'
'What Do You Think I Should Do?'

]]> Thu, 05 Jan 2012 12:00 +0200 Bring Back That New-Love Buzz http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/bring-back-that-new-love-buzz-pg1
Listen Up Not all of his interests will fascinate you, but spend some time listening to something that's important to him. 'When you engage in a topic you usually dismiss, it reconnects you,' says Dr Susan Heitler, author of The Power of Two (New Harbinger Publications).
Speak Lovingly To Each Other
Notice Something New

]]> Tue, 03 Jan 2012 12:00 +0200 His Major Moments http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/his-major-moments-pg1
He Starts His First 'Real' Job The beginning of a man's career can be super-stressful. 'A guy's masculinity is tied into how successful he is,' explains Dr George Weinberg, author of Why Men Don't Commit. As a result, he may put undue pressure on himself initially, and work long hours. 'Try not to add to his stress by nagging him about how he's neglecting you,' Weinberg adds. 'Just be as understanding as possible.'
His Good Friend Gets Married
He Moves Into His Own Place
He Has His First Big Failure

]]> Thu, 22 Dec 2011 12:00 +0200 How to Be a Happy Couple http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/how-to-be-a-happy-couple-pg1 Why We Love (Holt Paperbacks). 'The first draws you to a person; the next motivates you to focus your attention on him, while the last enables you to tolerate and stay with a mate long enough to rear children.

While these three love criteria come in stages, the intensity of each one, especially the first two, will wax and wane over the course of a relationship. After all, you can't really sustain those rip-each-other's-clothes-off urges forever. But, in order to have a happy, healthy union, most people want to have all three in varying degrees. The really good news? 'Although the intense "butterfly" feelings will probably never be as strong as they were in those first few months, there are ways to bring back some of that excitement,' says Fisher.

Take the following quizzes to see if your current relationship has what it takes to go the distance: Mentally answer 'yes' to the questions in each section and you've likely met your match. If some of these clues aren't ringing true at the moment (the first two criteria might only apply to the early stages of your romance), don't despair; we'll tell you how to fan the flames in an effort to make your love bond stronger.

1. Sexual Attraction • Do you ever get all tingly when you think about your sexy romps with him?
• Do you like wearing sexy clothes for him, excited to see how he'll react?
• Do you get goose bumps all over your body when he looks you up and down?

When you first start sleeping with someone, you're so hot for each other it's almost painful to drag yourselves out of the bedroom. Sure, getting along, sharing common interests, and doing fun things together matters, but not nearly as much as getting naked. Well, you can thank your hormones for that. 'The excitement and rush of having a new sex partner causes your dopamine and norepinephrine levels to peak, as your brain and body buzz from the novelty of it,' explains Fisher. While those uncontrollable carnal cravings are somewhat short-lived, physical desire is crucial to a healthy relationship.

Some lovebirds are naturally lusty for each other over the long-term, but most have to put in extra effort to keep the thermostat on high. 'It's important that at least some of the sexual attraction is alive in your relationship - otherwise, you're really more like best friends than boyfriend-girlfriend,' says Dr Robert H Phillips, a clinical psychologist. 'But you can tap into that lust for your mate by replicating the newness that you probably had in the beginning.' To trick your mind into feeling that raw passion, try being more spontaneous and unpredictable in bed. 'Any kind of excitement - even danger - drives up dopamine levels in the brain, increases testosterone in the body, and revs up the sex drive,' says Fisher.

Mind you, that doesn't mean you have to do the deed while hanging off a 10-story building. But you could incorporate some new positions or even go to a hotel for the night. 'The change of venue will make it feel like an adventure of sorts, giving the sexual encounter more of that first-time feeling,' Fisher adds. Another way to give your libido a boost is to plan sexy encounters that allow you both to push the erotic envelope. Use these opportunities to explore more experimental moves, like incorporating food into your passion play or even adding a sex toy to your routine.

'This creates sexual anticipation of what's to come, which not only makes the sex more explosive but also increases your desire,' says Carole M Pasahow, a sex therapist and author of Sexy Encounters: 21 Days of Provocative Passion Fixes (Adams Media Corporation). By making it a hot habit, you keep that thread of X-rated excitement alive in the relationship.
2. Romantic Yearning
3. Long-Term Attachment

]]> Mon, 19 Dec 2011 12:00 +0200 Ways To Help Her Chill http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/ways-to-help-her-chill-pg1
Start The Waterworks Running her a soothing bath or a hot shower is not only a brilliant way to get her naked, but it will also make you look like a hero. 'When you go out of your way to create a calming space for her, it shows that you care about making her happy and helping her feel good,' says stress expert Kathleen Hall, author of A Life In Balance (Down East Books). She suggests going the extra mile by leaving a book or magazine (COSMO, of course) next to the bath and drizzling relaxing lavender oil in the water.
Pour Her Favourite Drink
Give Her a Rub-Down
Take Her Away

]]> Thu, 15 Dec 2011 12:00 +0200 Love By Twilight http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/love-by-twilight-pg1
1. Moody Dude? Show Him The Cross Don't get us wrong, we love Edward - but then, we don't have to live with him. Moody, brooding boys are very sexy on the silver screen, but in real life, not so much. Being on a constant emotional rollercoaster, and having to worry about what mood your guy is in on any particular day, is stressful, exhausting and can be a sign of an underlying psychological problem. 'Excessive moodiness is not a healthy sign in a partner,' says Louise Deacon, psychologist and author of Twilight, True Love and You: Seven Secret Steps to Finding Your Edward or Jacob. 'Sudden changes in mood from cheerful to furious, without any good reason, is a warning sign of possible domestic violence. Studies show that the most satisfied couples are those where both partners are stable and positive.' While we all have bad days, if moody, conflicted and uncommunicative is his default mode, show him the garlic.
2. Push Him Off That Pedestal
3. Maintain Your Mystery
4. Real Guys Don't Change
5. Jealousy Can Be Sexy (In Small Doses)

]]> Thu, 08 Dec 2011 12:00 +0200 His Post-Passion Position http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/his-post-passion-position-pg1
The Half Hugger A guy who drapes his arms across you is really easy going, but he's also tuned into your needs. 'Even though he's spent, he knows you probably crave post-sex contact, so he's making an effort to give that to you,' explains non-verbal communications expert Dr Audrey Nelson. Plus, the relaxed way he rests his arms on you shows he's comfortable with you and content in the relationship.
The Nook Nuzzler
The Spooner
The Islander

]]> Mon, 05 Dec 2011 12:00 +0200 Make Him 'Heel!' http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/make-him-heel-pg1 Why Can't You Read My Mind? (Da Copa Publishers). 'It's as if they believe that when a woman wears attractive clothes or does her hair nicely, she's asking to be pursued.' Luckily, you don't have to hole up at home or dress like a hag to avoid being the object of unwanted attention. Simply follow this advice.

Why Men Get Pushy One of the reasons why guys mistake 'no' for 'maybe' is the male ego. 'If a man approaches a woman and his friends are watching, he feels like he has the ball and can't miss the shot,' Bernstein says. 'So, he keeps trying because he feels the pressure of being in the spotlight. Men also think it's part of the game. They've heard repeatedly that women play hard to get, so they think if they keep trying, they'll eventually get what they want. Add alcohol to the mix, which reduces their inhibitions and clouds their judgment, and often there's no stopping them.

'Many guys feel clumsy about meeting women so they use alcohol as a social lubricant,' says Michael Kimmel, author of Guy-Land: The Inner Lives of Young Men (Harper Paperbacks). 'While a few drinks can ease anxiety, they can also trigger aggression if men become upset when they're rejected.'
Cut Him Off Quickly
Get Him To Back Off

]]> Thu, 01 Dec 2011 12:00 +0200 When It's Time To Dump Him http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/when-its-time-to-dump-him
• His definition of good sex? Wham-bam. Really good sex? Wham-bam-bam. While we appreciate a guy who's goal-oriented, we'll need a little more attention, thanks.

• He actually put his finger to his lips and shushed you.

• He plays food police: 'Do you really think you need that dessert?' Answer: 'Yes, babe. But I suddenly realised that I don't need you.'

• You find a Backstreet Boys disc in his CD player. He doesn't have a little sister, and yes, he was humming 'I Want It That Way.' With taste in tunes this dodgy, there's no telling where else he'll go wrong. Think: Hawaiian shirts and two-for-one birthday dinners.

• When you wonder out loud about his commitment capabilities, he argues, 'But I don't understand. I watched season two of The Vampire Diaries with you every night.'

• The high-maintenance man can't start his day without an extra hot, no water, no foam chai latte with sweetener. Whoa... Anyone who demands this much from a hot beverage will probably be just as picky with you. So unless you're into being chastised for putting his David Guetta disc near Jay-Z ('Sweetheart, it's called alphabetical order: A, B, C, D...'), leave Anal Andy behind.

• Who knew polka dots were so last season? Um, he did. And he pointed it out to you when you made your grand entrance in that adorable skirt. While we love a guy who has enough fashion sense not to wear skin-tight chinos, we don't want a style snob to dissect our wardrobe.

• He forgets your Mom's name, but can rattle off the biography of every arb who ever played for the Sharks. Can you say 'selective memory'? Count on lots of forgotten anniversaries.

• You Google your new man and discover he has a record... and it's not for the high jump.

• The only thing worse than his cell phone that rings the theme song from Bad Boys? The fact that he leaves it on the table during dinner and actually answers it. Oh, no.... you didn't mind having that discussion of your childhood trauma punctuated by four freaking phone calls.

• He PVR's Gossip Girl so he can freeze-frame Serena's boobs and pose thought-provoking questions like, 'Think those beauties are real, baby?'

• He finishes your sentences... but it's not because you have a cosmic soul-mate connection.

• He doesn't have a J-O-B, and unemployment has turned him into a self-help guru (six months on the couch watching Dr Phil will do that), so he's suddenly qualified to 'be there to work on all of your little issues.'

• Two words: Man. Boobs. High-five to a guy who hits the gym, but when his shirt comes off and it's apparent that your boyfriend's pecs are a cup size larger than your breasts, it's okay to bolt. You want a boyfriend, not a bouncer.

]]> Mon, 28 Nov 2011 12:00 +0200 His Licking Style http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/his-licking-style-pg1
The Swirler This guy eats his ice cream methodically, licking around the cone in perfect circles. 'A swirler thrives on having order in his life,' says London-based psychotherapist Christine Webber, author of Get The Happiness Habit (Hodder & Stoughton). He also prefers 'vanilla sex' - as in, the missionary position. 'Though he's not spontaneous or wild, he's tenacious, so he won't give up until he fully pleases you in bed.'
The Biter
The Top-Lopper
The Savourer

]]> Thu, 24 Nov 2011 12:00 +0200 How To Tell He Loves You http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/how-to-tell-he-loves-you-pg1
He Fixes Stuff When he's smitten, a guy will try to solve your problems - like a sagging shelf or leaking taps. 'These gestures aren't always seen as loving, but they are,' says Dr James Sniechowski, co-author of Be Loved For Who You Really Are (Renaissance Books). So pay attention to the sweet things he does to make life easier for you.
He Sings Your Praises
He Opens Up

]]> Mon, 14 Nov 2011 12:00 +0200 Love Your Holiday http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/love-your-holiday-pg1 Fearless Sex (Quiver). In fact, trips a deux can be a prime breeding ground for problems: travel headaches, clashing relaxation styles, and major pressure for everything to be postcard-perfect. But if you know how to deal ahead of time, you can keep your romantic holiday from morphing into a nightmare.

Holiday Love Hurdle #1: You Begin The Holiday Stressed Out Lingering work hassles, traffic jams, and near-anal-probes by airport security don't exactly foster feelings of R&R. In fact, the stress can spill over into the holiday if you don't let go of your resulting cranky attitude - fast. It's understandable though. All the details that have to be wrapped up before you can escape - work deadlines, bikini shopping, pet-boarding - shorten your fuse. Suddenly, a line that's 10 deep at the check-in counter is enough to cause a melt-down.

So, to ensure your tension doesn't eclipse the trip, acknowledge the sucky situation and blame it - rather than each other, suggests couples therapist Dr Paul Coleman, author of How to Say It: For Couples (Prentice Hall Press). 'Say, "Getting to the airport was a nightmare. Thank God that's over."' That way you recognise the torture, but you also confirm that it's now done with so you can both mentally move on. Once you're winding down in transit, ease further into Mai Tai mode by discussing your plans for the week ahead. Visions of pigging out and sleeping until noon will make your stresses a distant memory.
Holiday Love Hurdle #2: Big Spender Versus Stingy
Holiday Love Hurdle #3: Your Idea Of Fun Doesn't Mesh With His
Holiday Love Hurdle #4: Your Sexpectations Clash
Holiday Love Hurdle #5: You Need Space
Holiday Love Hurdle #6: You Go Head-To-Head

Looking for a hotel? Click here.

]]> Thu, 10 Nov 2011 12:00 +0200 The COSMO Girl's Code Of Conduct http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/the-cosmo-girls-code-of-conduct-pg1
Don't Be Too Friendly With Your Friend's Man There is no reason, other than planning your friend's surprise birthday party, to contact her boyfriend. Yes, you can be Facebook friends and comment on his wall, but you don't message him privately, SMS or mail him without her knowledge. Men are simple creatures who are easily confused. By contacting him he will assume you have an ulterior motive and, frankly, you probably do. Maybe you get along brilliantly, share a private chuckle over your friend's neuroticism and (let's be honest) find him rather yummy. We don't care. Step away – you have no business with this boy.
Don't Be All Over Your Boyfriend When His Ex Is In The Room
Don't Date (Or Anything) Your Friend's Ex
Don't Sabotage a Sister
Don't Step On Friends To Get Ahead

]]> Thu, 17 Nov 2011 12:00 +0200 Spend More Time Kissing http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/spend-more-time-kissing-pg1
Flirt Your Way Into It 'Let him know you want to make out more, but do it sexily so he won't feel like you're criticising his affection style,' says Andrea Demirjian, author of Kissing (Perigee). Lines such as, 'Let me have a little taste' get your needs met while keeping things playful.
Don't Wait - Initiate
Always Kiss Back

]]> Mon, 07 Nov 2011 12:00 +0200 Signs You Have Sexual Chemistry http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/signs-you-have-sexual-chemistry-pg1
Your Voice Changes Talking in a deeper tone around him is a subconscious sign that he turns you on; if your voice gets higher, you're feeling intimate. Both hint at a promising physical pairing.
You Don't Censor Yourself
You Make Deep Eye Contacts
He Gives Good Touch

]]> Thu, 03 Nov 2011 12:00 +0200 Little Things That Make Her Mad http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/little-things-that-make-her-mad-pg1
Most girls can deal with some annoying stuff that you do, like changing your sheets as often as a solar eclipse. But there are other, insidious behaviours that irritate the hell out of them. So in order to avoid getting beaten up, study this bad-behaviour cheat sheet.

Completely Ignoring Her During a Game Even if it's the World Cup, you're still not allowed to tune her out. 'Ignoring her implies that she is less important than a game,' says Dr Tina Tessina. Instead, acknowledge her with 'I'm so sorry, but can we talk during the next ad break?' Setting a concrete time shows that you're not dismissing her and leaves you free to scream loudly at the TV.
Not Making Plans With Her In Advance
Responding With One-Word Answers
Dissing Her Friends

]]> Mon, 31 Oct 2011 12:00 +0200 First Date Do's and Don'ts http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/first-date-dos-and-donts-pg1 Babes in Toyland) just to avoid the week-long agonising over what to wear, the humiliating solo walk into the bar, and then the inevitable babbling, by both of you, to avoid uncomfortable silences. Oh, and suddenly discovering that you can't eat without dribbling sauce all down your chin, or that, for the past hour you've had a gigantic sprig of parsley dangling from your tooth. (Thanks, friend).

First dates usually feel like protracted job interviews, and most people would rather watch, well, Babes in Toyland than undergo this excruciating mating ritual. But, unfortunately, the first date is the only way you're going to get to the second date, and therefore, cannot be avoided. While it probably won't be the most fun you've had in your life, here are a few tips on how to make the event less painful.

DO • Do be yourself (albeit a nicely edited version). As tempting as it is to exaggerate your accomplishments (a BA is not remotely like an MBA, so don't even go there) when you eventually come clean you're going to look really silly. Anyway, if that kind of stuff is more important to him than your warmth, sense of fun and wacky humour, believe us - you don't want a second date. Be honest about who you are, while showcasing the best, sparkliest and sweetest sides of your personality. And here is where the editing part comes in: the time you bitch-slapped your ex-best-friend for getting it on with your man? Don't tell that story. Or lament about how you hate your wobbly thighs. Or ask him whether or not he thinks you have ADHD like your retarded flatmate suggests. He'll find that stuff out soon enough if the relationship is going to go anywhere - he doesn't need to know it in the first five minutes.

• Do remember that he's just as nervous as you are. Hate your muffin tops? How do you think he feels about being four feet tall? (okay, 5.5). Men are every bit as insecure as we are, they're just better at hiding it. Remembering that he's probably terrified you'll think his job's pathetic and his shirt, hideous, will help put you at ease – and less inclined to exaggerate about your accomplishments. And – no matter how unsure you might be feeling about yourself and the 11th dress you tried on and finally settled on that evening – he probably thinks you're completely gorgeous, and is trying his damndest to impress you. He might cover up his nerves by talking non-stop or being overly opinionated. Or clamming up and making you do all the work, conversation-wise. Either way, remind yourself that first dates are usually strained. Wait until the second one and see if things go better.

• Do put yourself out there. You're never going to meet anyone if you don't take a few risks, and that includes agreeing to dinner with your friend's second-cousin who spied you out at a braai. If the thought of eating in front of a stranger scares you, make it an early-evening drink (giving you both an out if things go badly). If you don't trust yourself not to chug the white wine, opt for a Saturday afternoon coffee. Which could become a movie. Which could become sushi if you're getting along well. Starting small takes the pressure off, and adds a fun element of spontaneity to your first date. Whether it turns into something big or fizzles before you can say, 'So, do you work out?', use it as a learning experience which will make your next first date just a bit less scary.
DON'T

]]> Mon, 24 Oct 2011 12:00 +0200 The Secrets Of Sexual Attraction http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/the-secrets-of-sexual-attraction-pg1 Why We Love (Holt Paperbacks). 'Childhood experiences and biological makeup also play a role in who you're drawn to.' Read on for a closer look at the mysterious ways your passions play out.

Understanding Instant Attraction When it comes to looks, we're hardwired to like certain qualities (broad shoulders, facial symmetry) because they indicate good genes. But other preferences seem totally subjective: Some girls drool over tall, lanky blondes, yet others sweat over muscle- bound brunettes. Why? You could blame that cute guy you pined for in high school. 'In part, our personal types come from whom we were attracted to when we first had sexual feelings,' says psychotherapist Dr Morley Glicken, author of Ending The Sex Wars (iUniverse Inc.)

Early crushes - plus characteristics your friends and family or the media emphasise during those pre-teen years - create a long-lasting imprint. It doesn't mean you won't lust after lots of other men; it's just the reason for your gut reaction to certain ones. Another theory is that most of us are seeking, well, a guy who's kind of like us. 'People generally gravitate toward partners to whom they're similar in terms of ethnicity, socio-economics, education level, and attractiveness,' says Fisher. 'Even when it's not conscious, you can look at a room of people and figure out immediately who might fit what you want.'
The Power Of Scent
Why Butterflies Increase Intimacy
Reasons Some Opposites Attract
How Your Parents Shape Your Guy Picks
The Science Behind Slow-Burn Love

]]> Mon, 17 Oct 2011 12:00 +0200 Suss Your Sleeping Styles http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/suss-your-sleeping-styles-pg1
The Romeo and Juliet 'Hugging while competely entwined is very intense and usually happens after sex,' Sweet explains. 'It signifies that you're madly in love, with a great sexual connection - it's often adopted in the first flushes of a new relationship. It's very rare to fall asleep like this, but those who do are born romantics.'
The Sexy Spoons
The Head and Shoulders
The Distance Divider
The One-Night Stand

]]> Thu, 20 Oct 2011 12:00 +0200 What His PDA Style Means http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/what-his-pda-style-means-pg1
He Pecks Your Cheek It may seem sweet, but his feeling for you could be less than frisky. 'A chaste peck could actually indicate a low level of romantic and sexual desire towards you,' says Dr Peter A Anderson, author of The Complete Idiot's Guide To Body Language (Alpha). But if he's hot and heavy at home, it may simply be that he's not comfortable expressing his feelings out in the open.
He Wraps His Arm Around You
He Holds Your Hand
He Gives You a Passionate Kiss

]]> Thu, 13 Oct 2011 12:00 +0200 Love Online http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/love-online-pg1
No matter which way you look at it, online dating has never gotten rid of its stigma. When you ask engaged or married couples how they met and the answer is 'online', their embarrassment is pulpable. Yet, a recent study has proven that people who met through online dating will get married much quicker than their counterparts who met each other through more conventional means, like dinner parties, at clubs or through friends - and for some pretty commonsensical reasons.

Too Busy For Bars Alicia Cast, associate professor of sociology at Iowa State University, collected data from approximately 175 newlywed couples over a three-year period. Among the sample, 25 couples first met online, either through a dating site, social networking or some other online means. What she wanted to study was the structural forces that encourage and support the use of technology in meeting a life partner, and one of the most important factors that emerged was time.

People who have demanding, time-consuming careers, social and family obligations and/or children simply don't have the time to go out and look for a potential life partner. By the time they start online dating, they are ready to settle down - which explains why people who met online only date for 18.5 months, on average, before getting married, while couples who met through other means test the waters for around 42 months before they dare to take the plunge.
Timing Is Everything

*Like what you see? Sign up to COSMOPOLITAN Dating now. Mr Right might be just around the corner…
Don't miss out on our special spring offer: the first 500 members to sign up get a seven-day free subscription. Click here to find out more.

]]> Mon, 10 Oct 2011 12:00 +0200 Single-Or-Settle Wobbles http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/single-or-settle-wobbles-pg1 I'd Rather Be Single Than Settle: Satisfied Solitude and How To Achieve It (Vision). So next time you're considering wasting precious time on Mr Not-Quite-Right, strengthen your steely resolve with these tactics.

Single Stabiliser #1: Leave The Train Station 'Some women are never really single; they think of themselves as "between boyfriends"', says Dubberley. They haven't left the relationship train station: they're on the platform, squandering time, waiting for the next train to pick them up. 'Leave the station by re-scripting your thought process. Whenever you think, "I'm single because I haven't met the right man yet", change it to, "I'm single because l don't WANT to meet the right man yet."'
Single Stabiliser #2: Time-Wasted Calculator
Single Stabiliser #3: Become Whole Again
Single Stabiliser #4: Snap Out Of It
Single Stabiliser #5: Sunday Surgery

]]> Thu, 06 Oct 2011 12:00 +0200 Get Close This Weekend http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/get-close-this-weekend-pg1
Build Bonding Momentum Make plans for early the following week that you'll both enjoy - think, dinner reservations or a movie - so that you can share in the anticipation. 'All weekend, you'll be focused on how nice it will be to do these things together,' says New York City psychotherapist, Dr Jo-Ann Magdoff.
Get Homework Out Of The Way
Make Your Nights Count

]]> Fri, 30 Sep 2011 12:00 +0200 When He Doesn't Love You Back http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/when-he-doesnt-love-you-back-pg1 Why Do Fools Fall in Love? (Jossey-Bass). Clinging to a failing relationship can be emotionally damaging - not only are you just dragging out the pain and unhappiness, but your confidence and self-respect will take a major hit as well,' says Levine. Your best bet? Save face and disentangle.

Learning To Let Go One major excuse for not saying 'see ya' to a man who isn't smitten with you is the fear of spending night after night solo. Depending on how long you've been together, you may have invested a lot of emotional energy in the guy, and bailing seems like such a waste. 'Also, once you admit to yourself that it's over and you need to get out, that can be hurtful because you feel rejected,' says Levine.
Read The Signs
Kick Him Off His Pedestal

]]> Tue, 27 Sep 2011 12:00 +0200 When Silly Spats Spell Trouble http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/when-silly-spats-spell-trouble-pg1
'When something seemingly petty repeatedly annoys you, it can be because you're harbouring larger, underlying doubts,' says psychoanalyst Dr Bethany Marshall, who tackles this topic in her book Deal Breakers: When To Work On a Relationship and When To Walk Away (Simon Spotlight Entertainment). Marshall explains how to tell if your bickering is a sign of something bigger or just a niggling annoyance.

1. See If It's Serious Think about your quarrel, and look closer if any of these ring true.
• You wouldn't care if a friend did the same thing - say, choosing a Seth Rogan flick over theatre tickets - but get angry when he does it. That indicates anxiety about your boyfriend, not the behaviour. (If you'd hate that a friend did it, it's just your own pet peeve.)
• You get wound up consistently, daily even, by unrelated triggers - if it's not his playing Xbox for hours, it's that he's with his stupid friends. Constant chafing more than likely stems from bigger concerns (like the fact that he's immature).
• Random things remind you of other offences. One irksome little action stirs up unrelated grievances - like his loud chewing gets you agitated about the time he insulted your brother during dinner months ago. You're clearly irritated by a larger, more significant issue.
2. Clarify Your Complaint
3. What Happens Next

]]> Fri, 23 Sep 2011 12:00 +0200 The Love Trap http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/the-love-trap-pg1
The fallout is heartache and questions about his devotion, on your part, and defensiveness on his, explains Dr Diana Ivy, professor of communication and co-author of GenderSpeak (Wiley). The trick is to catch yourself before you over-romanticise certain special occasions. Here, six love traps that cause angst - and how to make them work for you both.

Love Trap #1: You Prepare Him a Home-Cooked Feast You scour gourmet markets for the perfect ingredients, spend the next couple of hours in the kitchen, and set a pretty, candlelit table, excitingly anticipating that your domestic efforts will garner major praise from your man. The reality: He thanks you warmly and dives into his braised chicken and saffron rice. But because he doesn't drop to his knees in gratitude, you assume he's ungrateful.

How To Dodge This Trap: First, understand that he's not unappreciative - he's just a typical guy who has no idea how much work goes into cooking a big meal. 'You can't expect him to worship you for something he doesn't have a clue about,' explains psychologist, Dr Aline Zoldbrod. Nor does he have any idea how much you have invested emotionally in the meal. For him, it's just dinner - a very good one, but not a testament to your ultimate devotion. Bottom line: 'Your motive for cooking the meal should be to make yourself happy by doing something kind and creating a lovely evening for the two of you to share - not to win adoration,' says Zoldbrod. You'll be much more content if, when he thanks you sincerely, you accept his gratitude at face value and then enjoy watching him chow down on your culinary work of art.
Love Trap #2: Your First Valentine's Day Together
Love Trap #3: You Want To Celebrate a Faux Anniversary
Love Trap #4: Date Night Out as a Twosome
Love Trap #5: Spending a Big Holiday Together
Love Trap #6: The Weekend Getaway

]]> Tue, 20 Sep 2011 12:00 +0200 How To Meet a Guy In 30 Days http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/how-to-meet-a-guy-in-30-days
Day 30: Get the ball rolling by sending out feelers to all of your friends. E-mail them and say, 'Hey, I just wanted to touch base because I'm looking to meet some men. If you know of any great single guys, keep me in mind.'

Day 29: Adopt a mantra like 'Nothing to lose.' Not only will an easygoing vibe make you more of a man magnet, but should you get discouraged along the way this mind-set will help you keep the dating game in perspective.

Day 28: Perfect your come-hither look. Tilt your head slightly down and to the side, then look up from under your lashes and smile. This pose shows guys it's okay to approach.

Day 27: Men tend to be intimidated by a pack of girls, so hit up a bar with just one or two friends. If you see a guy you like, pull away slightly from your friends and scan the room. When your eyes fall on your target, shoot him 'The Look.' It'll give him a free - and - clear pickup opportunity.

Day: 26: You've mastered seductive body lingo; now cast a wider net and make eyes at every hot guy you see.

Day 25: Take a kickboxing or weight-lifting class at the gym. Arrive a little early so you can secure a spot next to a hottie and ask how he likes the class.

Day 24: You know those e-mails your university sends out about alumni networking events? Actually RSVP to one.

Day 23: Instead of eating lunch indoors (um, you're not going to find a man at your desk), stroll around a busy part of town. When you spot a cute guy in a café or on a park bench, sit near him and try to catch his eye.

Day 22: Join a group with a large guy-to-girl ratio, like a runner's club. Not the sporty type? Volunteer at an NGO.

Day 21: Using Facebook or Twitter, search for guys you had crushes on in high school. Send two of them a message explaining that you were looking up people from school, noticed their pages, and thought you'd see what they were up to.

Day 20: Chat up at least three hot men. Making small talk with a guy in the lift or a sexy waiter will help you open up and practice your flirting skills.

Day 19: By now, you should have gotten a few responses to that 'looking for men' e-mail you sent on the first day of your mission. Ask those who wrote back to give interested guys your number.

Day 18: Remember that guy from kick-boxing? Go again and say, 'Hey how are you?' as if you're old friends. Research shows people are more attracted to those who are familiar to them.

Day 17: Go to the park with a friend and kick around a soccer ball, but overshoot so it lands near a handsome guy. Apologise, and ask if he'd like to join your game. Or when a contender walks by with his dog, lob Fido a tennis ball so he'll bring it back, master in tow.

Day 16: If there's a cool guy in the organisation you signed up for the other day, and you have a list of member phone numbers, call him to see when you're meeting again.
Feeling bold? Ask for a ride to the next event.

Day 15: Head to a bar on an off night. Bypassing the weekend mobs will give you better luck connecting with guys.

Day 14: Check Facebook and Twitter to see whether your blasts from the past replied. If so, follow up by suggesting you get together to catch up.

Day 13: Wherever you are, position yourself by a cute guy talking to his friends. As soon as there's an opener - like they're discussing the rugby and your mom lives in New Zealand - pipe up. Say, 'I couldn't help but overhear. I'm going to New Zealand next week. How do you think SA will fair in the World Cup?'

Day 12: Throw a cocktail party, inviting several friends. Ask each guest to bring one new person. Even if you don't meet any prospects, it'll expand your social world - someone is bound to know available guys.

Day 11: On your way home from work, stop in at a spot you've never been to - a coffee place, for instance - and start a conversation with a guy. It's often easier to step out of your comfort zone and make a move when in a novel environment.

Day 10: Call or e-mail people you met at your soiree two days ago to thank them for coming. It will remind new friends to keep you on their radar and give any male guests a chance to ask you out.

Day 9: Coordinate a happy hour with a hot male co-worker and agree to each bring a couple of friends.

Day 8: 'Accidentally' bump into a sexy man when you're at the supermarket. It's an instant conversation starter (hey, you've got to say 'Sorry'), and the physical contact from your little collision makes the exchange more intimate.

Day 7: You're in the homestretch, so no matter how scary these next ideas seem, be fearless and give it your all.

Day 6: Get a guy's attention with a gutsy move - try sending a drink to his table at a restaurant.

Day 5: After scoping out a men's store for good-looking guys, pick up a shirt and approach one of them. Say, 'Excuse me. My brother's birthday is coming up. What do you think of this?'

Day 4: At this point, you're a pro at striking up conversations with men. So take it a step further - you must give at least one guy your number. Dare yourself to hand your business card to a sexy stranger and ask him to call you.

Day 3: Work up the nerve to talk to a crush - like a hottie who works in your building - and swap e-mail addresses.

Day 2: If it went well yesterday, e-mail the guy and invite him to grab coffee.

Day 1: Congratulations! You made it through man-meeting boot camp. We'll be shocked if you don't have a date tonight. Relax and savour the romantic rewards you've worked so hard for.

]]> Thu, 15 Sep 2011 12:00 +0200 Relationship Road Bumps http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/relationship-road-bumps-pg1
No matter how madly in love you are, every couple has problems to contend with. You're probably prepared for the usual glitches - fights about money, irritating habits, etc.

But what might come as a surprise is that there are a handful of seemingly harmless scenarios that can put a serious dent in your bond, simply because they catch you off-guard.

Here, we tip you off so you don't get blind-sided.

You're Climbing The Career Ladder When you finally score that promotion or raise you've been working your tail off for, your guy may act really happy for you, and he probably is... sort of. But unless he's careening up the career ladder as well, he could be churning with resentment and insecurity - even if it's not apparent immediately. 'Men struggle with their partner's success because they are hardwired to be providers,' says Dr Barton Goldsmith, author of Emotional Fitness For Couples (New Harbinger Publications). On one hand, your surpassing him could ultimately force him to confront his own lack of ambition or success. 'He might take a look at himself and think, 'What am I doing with my life?' says Goldsmith. 'Your achievement could inspire and motivate him.' But it could also injure his manly pride, forcing him to pull away from you. 'If they don't think their jobs measure up, many guys will wonder, am I good enough for her? Does she still want me?'

Surprisingly, you may start asking yourself the same thing when you start out-pacing your boyfriend on the career track. Despite the advances that women have made career-wise, that old stereotype - that the man should bring in the bigger bucks - still exists. 'It's important to be honest and ask yourself, "Am I judging him because it feels weird to be more successful or because I think he'll never step up?"' suggests Goldsmith. You might have to re-adjust your mindset. 'You're part of a generation in which a woman can be the breadwinner. Be proud of yourself instead of assuming there's something wrong with him for not keeping up.' Also, remind him of all the ways he was instrumental in your accomplishment - from being cool with your late meetings to helping you rehearse your 'I want a raise' speech. 'He'll feel less insecure and resentful because it becomes a "we" thing,' says Goldsmith. And don't forget to be supportive when he tries to get ahead.'
You Develop a New Interest
Your Best Couple Friends Split
You Kick a Bad Habit
Your Single Friends Are Having a Blast

]]> Mon, 12 Sep 2011 12:00 +0200 Weird Signs He's Into You http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/weird-signs-hes-into-you-pg1
He Gets Secretive Don't panic when your new beau goes from being an open book to not sharing much at all. Strangely enough, when a suitor just wants sex, he'll tell you everything because he intuitively knows that it will make you feel closer more quickly. But when he really likes you, he doesn't want to appear needy, so he may stop telling you about the minutiae of his life.
He (Gently) Insults You
He Stops Looking At You

]]> Thu, 08 Sep 2011 12:00 +0200 The Breakup Manifesto http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/the-breakup-manifesto
1. Thou Shalt Not Torment Thyself...
...by finding out where he's going jolling on the weekend and showing up at the same club; snooping amongst his friends to hear whether he's dating again; scanning Facebook and Twitter every two minutes for evidence of his fabulous new life sans you, or driving by his house late at night and trying to spy on him through the window. Unfriend. Unfollow. Go home.

2. Thou Shalt Cut Thyself Slack...
...by accepting that being human means hanging on sometimes when you really should let go. But do this in private. Pore over the pictures and the e-mails, and let yourself feel the pain of the loss. Pretending it's not there will not make it go away, so host a pity party for one and get it all off your chest.

3. Thou Shalt Keep The Memory Of Thine Love Sacred...
...by not dishing to all and sundry about his mismatched testicles or sounding off about his gazillion flaws. No, he's not perfect and yes, he's a schmuck for dumping you, but embarking on a character assassination is unfair on him, and makes you appear vengeful and petty. Rant to your best friends and to your sister, but as far as everyone else goes, be gracious and dignified.

4. Thou Shalt Not Hang Onto Love Mementos
That cute little dinosaur he won for you at the funfair? Give it to your cousin's baby. That old T-shirt of his that's great to sleep in? It would make the perfect duster. Don't throw the photographs away - one day in the future you'll look at them and be amazed at how heartbroken you were over this guy. But do stash them in a box at the bottom of your cupboard. You don't need constant reminders.

5. Thou Shalt Be Good To Thyself
So, you never did lose those 5kgs. Who cares, and who's counting? Surround yourself by warm, positive people who love you just the way you are; go for walks in pretty places; spend time with animals; order the chocolate gateau and finish every last crumb. Your heart needs it. And, by the way, that little bit of extra weight is not why he left you - so don't even go there.

6. Thou Shalt Not Throw Thyself At The Next Guy Who Acts Interested
Yes, your self-esteem has taken a knock; this is unavoidable. What is avoidable is putting yourself at risk for more heartache and confusion. Healing will not be found in the arms of some arb guy on a Friday night. Remember that thing about dignity? Muster it. You really are worth more.

7. Thou Shalt Do The Funky Chicken On a Bar Top (and Laugh Until You Pee)
This is the time to call on your wildest, most fun-loving girlfriends, order a round of tequila slammers, let your hair down and party. Nothing will make your forget him faster than having a fabulous time with your friends. It'll remind you there is life after him - and that single girls do have more fun.

8. Thou Shalt Spend an Entire Weekend In Bed If Thou Feeleth The Need…
…Lindt and Keeping Up With The Kardashians optional.

9. Thou Shalt Not Drink and Dial...
...or mail or SMS or Whatsapp or BBM. You are going to say things that you will regret; you are going to sound needy, insecure and pathetic, and you are going to undo your hard healing work if you expose yourself to him all raw and bleeding. Put that phone down and go to bed. Now.

10. Thou Shalt Forgive Thyself For Not Doing Any Of The Above
Life is a messy process, and things seldom go according to plan. But, one thing holds true no matter what: the hideous hurt you feel right now is diminishing every day, and even if you feel like you're going around in circles, the healing process is happening of its own accord. Think of last week - you feel a tiny bit better, right? So, chin up and pinky-promise: you will be fine.

]]> Mon, 05 Sep 2011 12:00 +0200 Seduce Him With a Single Whiff http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/seduce-him-with-a-single-whiff-pg1
The One You Wear Your perfume triggers a Pavlovian response in your man: His brain associates the scent with getting close to you, so he's automatically revved up when he smells it, says Dr. Hirsch. Try spritzing your perfume on his pillow. It will not only up his arousal when you're cuddling, but also spark fantasies about you when you're not there, building his anticipation for when he sees you next.
The One That Smells Like The Night That You…
The One That Fights Stress

]]> Fri, 26 Aug 2011 12:00 +0200 Size Up Who You Meet First http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/size-up-who-you-meet-first-pg1
His Friends Many guys need the thumbs-up from their crew before they'll officially agree to be your boyfriend. These are the people he feels know him best and whose opinions (about you) weigh most heavily on him. The good news for you is that this is the group you probably have the most in common with, so you'll likely be able to click easily.
His Family
His Colleagues

]]> Tue, 16 Aug 2011 12:00 +0200 Recession-Proof Your Love http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/recession-proof-your-love-pg1
If any of this sounds familiar, you may be suffering from recession ripple effects. The crappy economy has made everyone anxious, and it's not like you can turn off the stressful when you get home.

But just because the economy is taking a hit, doesn't mean your love has to too. Knowing how the recession affects you as a couple (and having a get-over-it game plan ready) will ensure that your romance stays rock solid.

Recession Effect #1: His Cash Flow Is Low If your man is out of a job or just had his pay-cheque downsized, your first instinct is probably to pay for more than your half of your dates and other couple costs. Thing is, that may not be the best idea. Sounds like a throwback to a past era, but a guy's self-worth is often directly tied to his ability to earn big. Your offer to start paying for everything will be a huge crush to his ego, reinforcing the idea that he can't provide for you, says Dr Debbie Magids, psychologist and co-author of All The Good Ones Aren't Taken (St. Martin's Griffin).

Of course, it's okay to chip in here and there by picking up the occasional bar tab or dinner bill. But what will really help is if you tone down your dating style (say, trading dinner and a movie for Mr D and a DVD) so he isn't pressured to spend money he doesn't have. He'll appreciate that you understand his situation, yet you're not emasculating him, explains relationship expert Dr Jenn Berman.

And if you find yourself feeling resentful that the work-oriented, financially stable guy you fell for is low on funds and confused about his career, don't think you're a bad girlfriend. It's normal to be thrown for a loop, explains Dr Yvonne Thomas, a psychologist specialising in relationship issues. But if you dwell on it, that resentment can build up and put your relationship on thin ice. Remember: The most hardworking, capable people have been hit hard by the economy, and it isn't their fault. So when you feel anger rising, switch your thoughts to something tender your guy did for you when you were having a rough time. It'll remind you that he needs and deserves your support now.
Recession Effect #2: You're Working More and Hanging Out Less
Recession Effect #3: His Sex Drive Has Down-Shifted
Recession Effect #4: You're Snapping at Each Other
Recession Effect #5: Your Dreams Are On Pause

]]> Thu, 11 Aug 2011 12:00 +0200 The Secret Girlfriend Weapon http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/the-secret-girlfriend-weapon-pg1
Prove Yourself Wrong When you're bugged by something small your guy has done, it may not be that action that's driving you nuts - something else may be eating away at you on a deeper level. By figuring out what that is, you can shift your thinking so that you're less agitated. First, question why you're upset. For example, say he takes hours to SMS you back and you assume it's because he doesn't care about you. 'Find evidence that proves you wrong,' suggests Los Angeles-based therapist, Dr Shannon Fox. Maybe he asked about an important meeting you had or wrote you the sweetest card. 'Pointing out the contrary helps keep your annoyance in proportion,' notes Fox.
Temper The Trash Talk
ID The Upside

]]> Wed, 10 Aug 2011 12:00 +0200 Move Along Swiftly! http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/move-along-swiftly
In truth, the chances of Chaz doing an emotional about-turn and 'realising' that Chrissie is perfect for him are slim, as couples counsellor Carol Reddy asserts. And the fact that she is clinging on to a fantasy version of Chaz and of their relationship being rekindled is about her and what she is projecting onto him. 'A lot of women invest so much into their relationships that they find it difficult to keep a sense of perspective when they end. They are also inclined, as traditional nurturers, to put their needs second and accept situations that cause them unhappiness.'

As Reddy explains, a common scenario is for women who have been dumped to continue seeing their ex-boyfriends under the (usually false) belief that this is a way to rekindle the relationship. In actuality, it is usual for men who have initiated the break-up to come back for a 'second look', as it were, and initiate sex. While it is tempting for a woman who is heart-broken and missing her partner, spending time and being intimate with him usually leads to more pain. In other words, just because he calls you on a Sunday, wants to hang out and indicates that he's up for some action in the bedroom does not necessarily mean he wants to get back together.

Exes With Benefits
It took 27-year-old Boniswa, a shop assistant, many heartbroken Sunday nights before she realised that her ex, Zorro, a 29-year-old cameraman, only had one thing on his mind when he showed up on her doorstep at 2am. 'It was so great being in his arms again,' she says, 'and Sunday we'd hang out, have a lazy brunch and it felt like everything was normal again. But come Sunday evening he could never commit to seeing me during the week, coming up with really bad excuses. Eventually I realised he was not interested in coming back. I was just a convenience. That really hurt, but it gave me the courage to tell him never to come back.'

The truth is that, after a guy has had a weekend of jolling with his friends and chatting up other girls, come Sunday has no plans for the day and is probably feeling a bit lonely and/or horny. What better way to spend the day than by getting some TLC and a shag from his old buddy - you? It might sound harsh, but the truth is, this is very likely all he is after. If you believe otherwise, try booking him for dinner the following Friday night and see what he says. As 'perfect' as a guy might seem to you, if he doesn't see you in the same way, he is not the one. Unfortunately, it's a tenet of human psychology that as soon as we can't have something, that thing becomes very desirable indeed.

As Gadija Roshan, Cape Town clinical psychologist explains, 'women are inclined to put their needs second, but it's very important to know what your rights are and understand the dynamics of the relationship. Once you understand how his be
haviour impacts you, you are in a better position to assert yourself and your needs. If your partner is emotionally unavailable, unwilling to make a commitment, shows a lack of respect or poor boundaries, these are all signs that this relationship may not have a future.'

Finding The Right 'Fit'
As Gadija explains, an emotional fit is very important as it will help carry the relationship through many transitions over time. In an emotionally sound relationship there is a deep sense of the self and the couple which forms a strong basis to work through any past issues that might creep into the relationship. Zakiyya Essa, Joburg Counselling Psychologist, says 'women tend to have an "ideal" image of what they want in a partner which is often about surface qualities – good looks, status, etc. Once the 'honeymoon phase' ends and you come face-to-face with each other's personality, behaviours, values and expectations, you may find that they clash. Without an emotional 'fit', it will be difficult to feel supported, affirmed and loved and ultimately be satisfied by the relationship. If you find yourself consistently giving in, and giving more while receiving less from your partner, it's time to reassess what the relationship means to you and to him.'

Best-selling book It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken (Harper Collins) is an excellent reminder to women that when relationships end they do so for a reason, and some things can't and shouldn't be fixed. It is difficult, in the midst of all the emotion, to realise that he is just one of many, many guys in the world, and not the centre of the universe, as you might feel. What's really important, once the initial mourning period is over, is to take steps to see the relationship is perspective. Sure, he made you laugh and was great at some things but, if he left you, the glaringly obvious truth is that he failed at the most fundamental task: caring about you enough to work through your problems. The answer? To move along as swiftly as you can.

]]> Mon, 08 Aug 2011 12:00 +0200 What Guys Crave At Every Age http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/what-guys-crave-at-every-age-pg1
But recently, the paradigm has shifted. 'Delayed marriages as well as this new stage of life called "emerging adulthood" have changed the dating landscape,' says Dr Jeffrey Arnett, author of Emerging Adulthoods: The Winding Road From The Late Teens Through The 20s (Oxford University Press). So COSMO decided to find out what guys want out of love and life by identifying what defines them today at their pivotal stages, the type of woman each group tends to fall for, and what's up (or not) between the sheets.

Early 20s He's embracing his independence - well, sort of. Parents are now heavily involved in their children's lives into their 20s, and 46% of 20-something unmarried men still live at home.

Defining Time
For many it's university. Being at university is all about experimenting - with different classes, majors, and girls. 'The 20-year-old guy wants to have a wide range of experiences; few are thinking about finding a soul mate,' explains Arnett.

Who He's Looking For
The fun girl. 'In addition to "Who do I like?" he's thinking, "Who might fit in well with my friends?"' says Arnett. It's a valid question, since guys this age prefer to date in groups. Because cliques are more integrated than they used to be, guys often hook up with a female friend, and 'dates' have evolved (or devolved) from dinner and a movie to a party and late-night pizza. Young men view these friends-with-benefits relationships as win-win: They get the companionship and sex that come with a girlfriend without the responsibility associated with a serious romance.

Sack Style
We hope you don't need a lot of sleep. 'His testosterone level is higher now than it will ever be again,' says Dr Barbara Keesling, author of Men in Bed (Hudson Street Press). 'Many 20-year-old guys can have sex, ejaculate, not lose their erection, and go again; there's virtually no refractory period.' Unfortunately for you, all that momentum means he's also more likely to experience premature ejaculation. And because he hasn't had a ton of partners to show him around the female body, you may have to do the honours.
Mid-To Late-20s
Early 30s
Mid-To-Late-30s

]]> Wed, 27 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200 Spice Up Your Time Together http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/spice-up-your-time-together-pg1
Say Something Sexy Lusty talk, even if it's just fessing up that a particular movie turned you on, will make him grin. 'Men crave knowing that you're interested in sex beyond just obligation,' says Dr Barry McCarthy, co-author of Rekindling Desire (Routledge).
Get Grabby
Thank Him For Being a Guy

]]> Tue, 26 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200 Intimate Games You Need To Play http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/intimate-games-you-need-to-play-pg1 Master Dating (Blue Sky Marketing), devised some questions to help get things started.

Spark-Starter #1: 'Who would be your ideal dinner guest and why?' 'This will tell you about his beliefs. If he chooses a political figure, it suggests he wants to be taken seriously. If he opts for a rock star, he's going for the cool vote. If he says Marilyn Monroe, so he can look down her top, laugh. Don't let his honesty make you antsy or he'll retreat further into his shell.'
Spark-Starter #2: 'We've just spent a weekend away. What did you enjoy?'
Spark-Starter #3: 'Imagine you're an old man. What's life like?'
Spark-Starter #4: 'Who would play you in a movie and why?'
Spark-Starter #5: Lighten things up with a game of Shoot, Shag or Marry:

]]> Wed, 20 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200 Avoid These Mood-Killing Mistakes http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/avoid-these-mood-killing-mistakes-pg1
Begging For Things Pleading for her to please let you videotape the sexual proceedings or try a circus-style position is annoying. 'When you keep asking her to do things that she's made clear she doesn't want to do, it's aggravating and disrespectful,' says co-director of a women's therapy centre in the US, Dr Ditza Katz. If there's something you're just dying for her to try, bring it up before you get to the bedroom. 'Present the idea as something that would be fun for both of you, and see if she agrees,' suggests clinical sexologist, Dr Gloria G Brame. That's the way to get more of what you want.
Leaving The TV On
Making a Funny

]]> Thu, 14 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200 Break Out Of The Couple Bubble http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/break-out-of-the-couple-bubble-pg1
Speak Your Mind 'It's OK to be influenced by others if you think they're right, but don't adjust your opinions to please your man,' says Goss. Just because your boyfriend rates jazz/Marmite/sci-fi movies, doesn't mean you have to. Saying what you think means you won't lose your individuality. But if you don't agree on something, there's no need to argue about it. Instead, Goss suggests saying, 'Well, that's your opinion, but in my view...'
Ban Constant Check-Ins
Getting 'My' Space
Schedule Your Friends

]]> Tue, 12 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200 Guy Talk Vs. Girl Talk http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/guy-talk-vs-girl-talk-pg1 Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say (Tarcher). And that's why you must find ways to bridge that gap. Here, we guide you through the most common conversational breakdowns and what you can do to connect better.

Talk Hurdle #1: In The Car Guy Style: He's into peace and quiet and the open road. It's the perfect chance to chill out - in silence - with you.
Girl Style: You see this as prime, uninterrupted couple time to discuss… stuff.

How To Mesh: Try playing by his rules now and then. 'Your guy relishes times like these: just being with you, in the moment, without the chatter,' says Dr Diana Ivy, professor of communication and co-author of Genderspeak (Wiley). 'By learning to enjoy that time with him - and relaxing his way occasionally - you build a new kind of closeness.' But before that can happen, you need to get comfortable with that stillness. 'Silence makes many women squirm, and the desire to fill the silence is strong,' says Ivy. But you can change your mind-set. 'When a lull falls, rather than think, "We're incompatible", switch up your self-talk with, "This is so nice - we're totally at ease with one another." After all, that's what's really going on. Of course, it doesn't always have to be his way or the highway, in fact, when you have something to talk about, now's the time to bring it up. 'Men feel more comfortable talking about serious things side by side, because face to face is a combative stance that can put them on the defensive,' says Ivy. To raise a topic, be direct. Say, 'I'd like to talk about for a minute.' Share your thoughts, and ask, 'What's your take on that?' Then give him time to mull the issue over while you enjoy the peace and quiet.
Talk Hurdle #2: After a Fight
Talk Hurdle #3: First Thing In The Morning
Talk Hurdle #4: On a Date
Talk Hurdle #5: When There's a Problem
Talk Hurdle #6: At a Party

]]> Tue, 05 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200 Dating Lies Not To Believe http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/dating-lies-not-to-believe-pg1 Is He Mr Right? Everything You Need to Know Before You Commit (Crown Archtype). 'But that keeps them in situations that ultimately won't work out.' So the next time you start feeding yourself one of these common comments, take note.

'I get nervous around him because I'm just so into him.' Mild nervousness is normal, but non-stop panic isn't and can signal an elevated level of self-consciousness. 'If a guy is right for you, you'll mostly feel relaxed around him,' says Kirshenbaum. So try to just be yourself. If you still feel uptight after a few dates, it's the mark of a bad match.
'We want different things, but we can learn to compromise.'
'He's fine. I'm just being way too picky.'
'He's wonderful the opposite of my ex!'
'We have so much in common, it must be meant to be.'

]]> Wed, 29 Jun 2011 12:00 +0200 Teach Him To Be More Tender http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/teach-him-to-be-more-tender-pg1
Customise His Skill Set 'Men often don't intuitively know how to make you feel cared for,' says Dr Barton Goldsmith, author of Emotional Fitness For Couples (New Harbinger Publications). So tell him you need a neck rub or an empathic ear. Then encourage the behaviour by saying, 'Thanks, I needed that.'
Recall a Love Moment
Treat Him Tenderly Too

]]> Wed, 29 Jun 2011 12:00 +0200 The Good Guy http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/the-good-guy-pg1 Avoiding Mr Wrong (Thomas Nielsen). 'Others come to doubt their instincts because they've been wrong in the past. Fear not, these tips will score you a solid man.

Review Previous Mistakes One easy way to spot a warning you've missed in the past is to read your old diaries and e-mails. 'Note specific complaints you made about exes, especially when you were really upset,' says psychologist Bryn Collins, author of Emotional Unavailability (McGraw-Hill). If a new guy inspires similar reactions in you, that's a huge red flag you're heading down an unhealthy road. Statements such as, 'I can't believe he did that to me again!' are road maps to guy behaviour that sends you over the edge. No diary? Ask a trusted pal to identify a few things your loser exes had in common. (Give her a time limit or she could be there all night.)
Monitor Your Thoughts and Behaviour
Update Your Criteria
Don't Dive Into Sex

]]> Thu, 23 Jun 2011 12:00 +0200 When He Gets Grumpy http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/when-he-gets-grumpy-pg1 How Can I Get Through to You? (Scribner) Translation: When your dude's down in the dumps, he can be a real pain in the ass. So, to finally ease your exasperation, we have once and for all cracked the male code of silent treatments and snippiness. Here, we explain his testiness and give you tips to help him snap out of it.

Grumpy Guy Trigger #1: He Got Bitched Out By His Boss He may react by flipping channels furiously or responding to your dinner suggestions with 'whatever.' Okay, so your guy had a crappy day at work, but why the hell is he taking it out on you? Chances are, he's not trying to. Slouching in front of the TV is his skewed attempt to spare you from his sour spirits. 'A man's ego is wrapped up in his career, so if he's had a bad experience at the office, he often wants to hide out and lick his wounds for a while,' says Real. Don't fall into the trap of repeating, 'What's wrong?' a million times. Let him know you're there for him - 'Hey, it's clear you've had a lousy day. When you want to talk about it, say the word' - then give him some space and do your own thing. If he decides to open up, try not to solve the problem for him. 'The minute you come on like an expert, he'll feel bossed around and he will shut down again,' says Real. Instead, ask about his plan of action. And if he doesn't want to workshop his career crisis? Give him an hour to chill, then tell him he needs to let it go and stop being such a grumpster or he'll bring you down as well.
Grumpy Guy Trigger #2: His Best Friend Moved Away Or Got Married
Grumpy Guy Trigger #3: He's Unhappy With Life, So He Complains a Lot
Grumpy Guy Trigger #4: He's Not a Morning Person
Grumpy Guy Trigger #5: He's a Lunatic When He Watches Sport
Grumpy Guy Trigger #6: He Gets Serious Road Rage Behind The Wheel
Grumpy Guy Trigger #7: You Had a Fight and He's Still Sulking

]]> Mon, 20 Jun 2011 12:00 +0200 Make Him Fall Hard http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/make-him-fall-hard-pg1 Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love (Henry Holt & Co.). Inspired by this amorous insight, here are the remarkable findings and how you can use them to make him love you.

Fall-Hard Finding #1: Adventure Inspires Love Nothing kills a guy's appetite for love faster than a predictable diet of Chinese takeout and DVD rentals. Instead, do something unexpected, like pulling him into the shower with his boxers on. 'Novel and exciting experiences stimulate love and arousal because they instantly raise dopamine activity in the brain,' says Fisher. To suss out his ideal adventure, play 20 questions. 'Ask him to name a few things he's been dying to do, like taking surfing lessons,' says Dr Douglas Weiss, author of Intimacy (Siloam). 'Then surprise him by making plans to do it together. He'll associate the fun and excitement of the activity with you.
Fall-Hard Finding #2: Jealousy Pumps Passion
Fall-Hard Finding #3: Needy Goodbyes Dampen Desire

]]> Tue, 14 Jun 2011 12:00 +0200 Blissed-Out Bond http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/blissed-out-bond-pg1 Why Do Fools Fall In Love (Jossey-Bass). Fortify your union with these solid tips.

1. 'We Stroke Each Other's Ego' When couples first fall in love, they tend to shower each other with compliments. Yet once the early pulse-pounding stage subsides, so does the flattery. 'You're still enamoured with each other, but as you become more comfortable, you may not say so out loud as much,' explains psychologist Dr Joshua Coleman, author of Imperfect Harmony (St. Martin's Press). Without a steady stream of ego-boosting pats on the back, neither of you feels as appreciated as you did when you first hooked up as a twosome. The result: Your connection weakens. So steal a page out of the happy-couple book by praising your guy on a regular basis. Commend him for specific things men aren't used to getting feedback on, like his social skills, hidden hobbies, or even his hot body. Another cool thing about compliments: They're contagious. By giving him props, you subtly remind him to return the favour and flatter you.
2. 'We Don't Try To Change Harmless Habits'
3. 'We Still Make Out'
4. 'We Know How To Hang'
5. 'We Throw Each Other Curveballs Under The Covers'
6. 'We Never Roll Our Eyes at Each Other'

]]> Thu, 09 Jun 2011 12:00 +0200 Bedroom Buddy http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/bedroom-buddy-pg1 The Lazy Girl's Guide To Good Sex (Piatkus Books), Anita Naik, says that, before bedding your friend, make sure you set boundaries so that you know exactly where you stand and don't damage your friendship.

WAKE-UP CALL When you wake up in bed with your friend, conversation can be tricky. For years you've known everything about him - apart from the size of his willy. Now you know that - and more. So what happens next? Naik suggests determining whether it was just a one-off. If you do want to sleep together again, agree to halt bed-sharing whenever one of you is no longer comfortable. This will establish your expectations, so you're both clear about the situation. Relax and have a warm, honest chat like you usually would.
KEEP TO THE DEAL
NEW LOVE
FRIENDS AGAIN

]]> Fri, 03 Jun 2011 12:00 +0200 Never Say This To a Girl http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/never-say-this-to-a-girl-pg1
'Our waitress is cute.' No matter how confident your girlfriend is, she still doesn't want to hear about how hot you find someone else. Okay, women do have a tendency to play 20-questions: 'Think she's pretty? What about her? And her?'

'She's gauging your reaction to other women to see how she measures up,' says psychologist Dr Paul Coleman, author of How to Say It: For Couples (Prentice Hall Press). Although you shouldn't give her an entirely honest answer ('I'm getting an erection just looking at her!'), don't lie either - she knows that sexy blonde swimsuit model isn't just 'alright.' A happy medium: 'Yeah, I guess she's cute, but she has nothing on you.'
'Your mom is a bitch.'
'You've gained weight.'
'Well, what I would have done is...'

]]> Tue, 31 May 2011 12:00 +0200 The Good Fight http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/the-good-fight-pg1 I'm Right, You're Wrong, Now What? (Sourcebooks Inc.) who maintains that 'fighting is a necessary ingredient for intimacy.' It shows that you're invested enough to want to hash something out instead of just writing each other off.

So, warped as it sounds, disagreements can actually provide an opportunity for you and your guy to grow closer - if you deal with them constructively instead of letting them devolve into huge, ugly blow-outs. 'It takes emotional intelligence to take the anger out of an issue and talk about it productively; and many people don't learn those skills growing up,' says Amador.

So we talked to top communication, relationship, and conflict-resolution experts to get their best advice. Below, how to avoid common quarrelling pitfalls, plus crucial strategies for fighting right at every stage of a love spat.

Starting The Fight DIVIDING MOVES

E-mailing Your Issues
If you've been stewing over something your guy said or did, it's tempting to fire off a bitchy email or IM detailing your grievances. But by doing that, you run the risk of blindsiding your guy – remember, he may be clueless about the fact that you're upset, says Amador.

Ambushing Him
It's important to pick a good time to air your gripe. If your boyfriend thinks he's coming home to spend the night vegging on the couch and instead you rip into him the second he walks in the door about how badly he behaved in front of your friends last Friday, you're setting him - and yourself - up. At best, he'll offer a stunned, knee-jerk response that will likely upset you more. Says Dr Gini Graham Scott, author of Disagreements, Disputes, and All-Out War (AMACOM): 'If you're not both in a frame of mind to discuss the issue, nothing will get solved.'

UNITING MOVES

ID The Real Issue
Say you're seething because he didn't RSVP to his friend's party on your behalf. Before you read him the riot act, spend time reflecting - maybe you feel left out of his social circle, or you have concerns about his lack of responsibility or etiquette. 'Fighting is often about something much deeper than the surface issue,' says Scott. Freaking out about a specific instance (the RSVP debacle) won't improve communication. But if you can identify what's really bothering you, he can work on that bigger issue.

Stay Calm
Guys are biologically engineered to avoid screechy female tones... or so you'd think. Meaning, if you want him to stay in the room long enough to hear you out, you have to calm your butt down. 'What I suggest is taking two breaths into your belly and thinking of something good in your life so your nervous system relaxes,' says Dr Fred Luskin, author of Forgive for Love (HarperOne). Taking that moment will help you remain kind, which in turn will get him to see how committed you are to finding a sane solution.
During The Debate
Wrapping It Up
Dealing With The Aftermath

]]> Thu, 26 May 2011 12:00 +0200 His Commitment Switch http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/his-commitment-switch-pg1
Of course, just because a man decides he's ready to settle down doesn't mean there's an instant queue of suitable women begging to be a part of that. In fact, it took me three years and two failed relationships before I finally met my current girlfriend (with whom I recently bought an flat). But I still remember the life-changing moment when I stopped entering relationships based on the absolute certainty that they would end. Exactly what was the cause of my metamorphosis, you ask? Relationships guru John T. Molloy, author of Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others (Warner Books), believes that men will only become 'the marrying kind' once they grow tired of the dating scene. After conducting extensive interviews with men who had recently proposed to their girlfriends, he learnt that all of them had decided, six months to two years before meeting their partners that they were searching for 'something else' in life. There are many factors that could turn a man into 'the marrying kind', ranging from losing his looks to losing his mates. And some of these are even positive (and have nothing to do with a third party). Here are a few of the real reasons why your partner might suddenly change from being a committed commitment-phobe to a commitment-friend.

1. He Has Lost His Mojo At first, most of the 'marrying' men Molloy interviewed claimed they got bored with the singles scene because they'd 'been there, done that'. But when pressed, it emerged that they no longer felt comfortable in their old hangouts, complaining the bars they used to frequent were now 'full of 12-year-olds'. In other words, for the first time, they felt old. I know the feeling well. I first felt the stirrings of dissatisfaction during a holiday with the boys. Let loose at a tacky resort, the trip soon degenerated into a frenzied attempt to prove we 'still had the old magic'. Sadly, most of the girls in the resort were about 19, while we were hurtling towards 30, which meant we appealed to a limited audience of girls who were either short-sighted, wearing beer goggles or had a thing for 'older' men. Against my better judgement, I made a few attempts at getting lucky. And I did, if you could call it that. One drunken night spent with a hairdresser is etched in my memory as the most joyless sexual encounter of my life. The day after, I began to view my friends in long-term relationships as the lucky ones. They didn't have to bother with these pitiful shenanigans.
2. He's Got a Case of Dating Fatigue
3. His Friend/His Ex Gets Married
4. His Beer Gut is Expanding
5. He's Over Crazy Chicks
6. He Wants a Lifestyle Change
7. He Goes Through a Personal Trauma
8. He Goes and Falls in Love

]]> Mon, 23 May 2011 12:00 +0200 His Strange Dating Behaviour http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/his-strange-dating-behaviour-pg1
What He Does: Monopolises Conversations What It Means: He might be more nervous than egomaniacal. Smitten men often brag to try to prove that they're good enough for you. Interject with your own stories. If he's a quality guy, he'll listen up.
What He Does: Fails To Make a Move
What He Does: Over-Explains When He Has To Cancel Plans

]]> Thu, 05 May 2011 12:00 +0200 Love Your Happy Handles http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/love-your-happy-handles-pg1 Perfect Poise, Perfect Life (Mobius), shows you how to turn your (and his) loathing of the pounds into love...

Love-The-Pounds Secret #1 Her Tip: Google is a godsend. Just look up images of Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan before they became amazing shrinking women. Don't they look more radiant than their current, pale selves? 'Men have an instinct to prefer curvy women to waifs, as it says "I'll give you healthy children."'

Help-Him Tip: 'Images of the perfect male body are now omnipresent. It's tempting to tease your man about his beer belly, but imagine if he said the same to you? You'd hit the roof. Say something nice, like how much you love his arms.'
Love-The-Pounds Secret #2
Love-The-Pounds Secret #3

]]> Fri, 29 Apr 2011 12:00 +0200 Love Him Without Losing Yourself http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/love-him-without-losing-yourself-pg1
Many women unconsciously lose their best selves in the throes of falling in love, and that can doom the bond. 'You feel unfulfilled because you're not being yourself, and it's a burden for a guy to feel like he's the centre of your life,' says therapist Matha Baldwin Beveridge, author of Loving Your Partner Without Losing Your Self (Hunter House).

Could You Be Lost? There are trademark signs of a girl who's gone missing within: She only makes plans with a plus-one, she minimises the traits she doesn't think her man digs, she always answers questions with 'Well, we think…,' and she watches/reads/listens to stuff her guy is into, but he doesn't reciprocate. These habits are harder to spot in yourself, so solicit help from a loving, honest friend. 'Ask what she thinks of your relationship and if there are facets of you she's not seeing anymore,' suggests psychotherapist Dr John Amodeo, author of The Authentic Heart (Wiley).

Also, if you avoid telling a guy about certain hobbies or friends, you're likely suppressing something. Another sign you are: You think the relationship has saved you from a blahs-ville life. 'You should be excited about new love, but thinking he's perfect and throwing yourself into it with no real foundation is unrealistic,' says Amodeo.
Why It Happens
Bring Yourself Back

]]> Fri, 29 Apr 2011 12:00 +0200 Blame It On Science http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/blame-it-on-science-pg1
Why Do Men Prefer SMSing? Guys don't like getting stuck on the phone. 'Women often want to converse and connect on a call, but men just don't,' says communications expert Audrey Nelson, author of You Don't Say. 'They're goal oriented; they want to make their point as quickly as possible.' Plus, this means he doesn't have to put himself out there. If you don't reply to his SMS, it's not as big a deal as rejecting him on the phone,' Nelson says.
Why Do Guys Often Lose Track Of Time?
Why Can His Friends Dare Him Into Doing Anything?
Why Do Guys Love Fart Jokes?

]]> Thu, 28 Apr 2011 12:00 +0200 No Strings Attached http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/no-strings-attached
While a no-strings relationship sounds feasible in theory, the reality is often very different, and it is a very rare case when both parties feel the same way about the casualness of the union. Says Sandy Hoffman, Cape Town counselling psychologist, 'Theoretically, no strings relationships can work, but practically, I have come across few that have not been extremely distressing to one party when the other party leaves, and the former is not ready for the relationship to "move on."' If we like the guy a lot, it's easy to fool ourselves into believing we're comfortable with a no-commitment arrangement, but what we don't count on is the sense of emotional closeness that develops, particularly for women but often for men, when the relationship becomes sexual.

More often than not, an individual will agree to the 'no-strings' clause because they feel they don't have the power to negotiate a different deal, and/or they hope the person in question will change their minds once they discover what they'd be missing if the relationship ended. As Hoffman explains, 'Neither males nor females actually take easily to relationships without an emotional element or commitment because we all want to feel that we are uniquely important, that our partner will always be there for us when we feel lonely and need to feel that we 'belong'. Generally speaking, however, it is more often men balking at the idea of commitment which leads to the famous movie-title question of whether his relationships reticence is simply because he's just not that into you.

What this movie comments on is a woman's tendency to intellectualise and over-complicate male behaviour when, actually, the reason he still wants to date other women is because you just don't really 'do it' for him. It's much less painful to attribute his coolness to external factors than admit he doesn't find you appealing enough to discount other options. When Lauryn*, 24, met Christian*, also 24, through friends, she immediately felt a spark between them. 'That night he was all over me, and we hung out a lot over the next few weeks. But, just when I thought we were moving into boyfriend-girlfriend territory, he started to back off and tell me he believed in "open" relationships.'

'His reasons were that he didn't know where he was going, career-wise; that he still wasn't totally over his ex, and that he didn't want to lead me on. I agreed because, by then, I'd fallen in love with him. Then, he met someone else, and suddenly all these issues he'd had with me regarding his job, his ex etc. disappeared. He stopped coming around, they started dating exclusively, and I realised it was all rubbish – he just didn't like me enough to commit.'

As Hoffman explains, 'Through their socialisation, women are often taught to take others' emotions seriously, but deny the importance of their own. Thus, they get into relationships and agree to whatever the boys appear to want (like a relationship where "there are no strings attached"), but the agreement may come from early learning that to be a successful woman, one must take care of others' needs at the expense of your own.' There are also significant double-standards at play in our society which make it difficult for a woman to instigate this type of relationship, explains Hoffman: 'At times when the agreement is consciously sought out by the female, and she does not want to feel particularly tied to this particular male at this time, it is very likely that if she were to have other relationships, the male may use common defence mechanisms, like calling her a 'slut' to help ease his sense of rejection and alienation.'

While seeking a relationship of this nature could be fear of intimacy, it could also be about age, time and place. Sometimes people feel like they are too young to commit to a serious relationship. Travelling, studying or simply exploring the world might be the number one priority on their agendas, in which case 'no strings' is not unhealthy. Says Hoffman, 'It is extremely insightful to go into a relationship being able to state, clearly, that this is "where you are". Not many people have the conscious knowledge of themselves to do so, especially at a young when they are still in a process of self-discovery. Instead, the truth emerges further on down the line with both parties being confused and upset by the resultant pain when it all ends.'

The most important thing in this scenario is to be as honest as you can, both with yourself and the person you're getting involved with. Is no-strings really something you want? If not, move on – and be honest about why. Your needs are no less important than his.

*Names have been changed

]]> Thu, 21 Apr 2011 12:00 +0200 Is Love Making You Crazy? http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/is-love-making-you-crazy-pg1
Fact: love can make you crazy - and not always in a good way. Those feelings of vulnerability caused by trusting someone else with your heart can lead to irrational outbursts. The good news, says psychotherapist Diana Goss, is that you can control them. So learn to recognise what flips your crazy switch and silence your inner harridan.

Crazy Switch: He Talks To His Ex If he's still friendly with his ex, it can be a good thing - it's a sign he's able to move on without feeling bitter. But when she walks into a party looking like Sienna's better-looking sister, logic can fly out the window. Before you know it, you're in the grip of the green-eyed monster: 'He's laughing a lot - she must be funnier than me... He must still love her.'

Once you've whipped yourself into a jealous rage, it's virtually impossible to stop. 'Shooting them evil death stares or throwing a public strop won't help,' says Goss. 'Instead, go and chat to the nearest good-looking guy. This will boost your self-esteem and drown out those negative thoughts.'
Crazy Switch: Your SMS Life Has Cooled
Crazy Switch: Attack of The 'White Wine Witch'
Crazy Switch: He's Going On a Work Night Out

]]> Wed, 13 Apr 2011 12:00 +0200 Do You Have MFDA? http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/do-you-have-mfda-pg1 Stop Wondering if You'll Ever Meet Him (Hay House). 'Surprisingly, MFDA sufferers are generally confident women with great friendships and careers, varied personal interests and loving families,' says Cassaday. 'But when it comes to love, sex and relationships, they suffer from varying degrees of anxiety. Dating makes them nervous, uncertain and feel out of control.'





MFDA TREATMENT: The Simple Solution To Your Dating Dramas

Know What You Do (and Don't) Want Make an 'ideal man checklist' that's realistic and reasonable, and keep it in your handbag so you can remind yourself of what's important. 'Perhaps he's good in a crisis and doesn't fall apart; maybe he's the type who dreams big and doesn't allow minor setbacks to sidetrack him,' says Cassaday. 'As you create your list, reflect on your past dating experiences; for instance, maybe your last boyfriend had a bad temper and now you want someone who's able to manage his anger.'
Be Confident Enough To Make Him Commit
Waiting It Out Is The New Foreplay

]]> Wed, 06 Apr 2011 12:00 +0200 The Gamer Widow http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/the-gamer-widow
According to urbandictionary.com, a 'gamer widow' is 'a woman whose significant other has grown a cord out of his manhood, (which) seems to attach to a console or computer of sorts', and the description isn't far wrong. Sherry Myrow, founder of gamerwidow.com, an online support group for partners of addicted gamers (those who play video games to excess), says gaming addiction can affect a couple's sex life, their social life and cause deep feelings of rejection.

'The top complaint (by women who visit the site) has to be neglect, followed closely by a change in their partner's personality. Addicted gamers stop eating with their partner, lie about how much time they spend playing, get extremely defensive when confronted about their addiction and stop sleeping. It really does feel as if you've lost your spouse.' Myrow has seen gaming addiction devastate relationships. 'I've had members on the site tell of marriages ending, of spousal abuse when confronting their [partner], and even gamers abandoning their newborn baby to be with someone they met in a game. It can get really sad.'

It can also get really frustrating, says 25-year-old former gamer widow Belinda*. 'My ex-boyfriend used to stay up all night playing this one video game. I'd think we were having a romantic night in and all I'd get was a quick kiss hello. It did feel like rejection -especially when it came to sex. I'd ask him to come to bed and he'd say, "Just let me finish this level" - that would take hours. I'd lie there thinking, why is that game better company than me?'

Kate*, 24, has a similar story: 'My boyfriend goes through phases where he becomes obsessed with a game and plays it for hours on end, until he's completed all 179 levels. The worst are the online multiplayer games, because it means he can't leave his computer for a second (even if the game goes for six hours) in case he "lets the team down". To him, it's the ultimate in entertainment. To me, it's a maddening waste of time. Sometimes we'll make plans to go shopping or to the beach, and then he'll start playing a game. He'll promise to be finished in 30 minutes, but three hours later it's just getting started.'

Myrow agrees with Katie that the MMORPGs (Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games), such as World of Warcraft and Final Fantasy Online, plus the MMOs (Massively Multiplayer Online Games), such as Call of Duty and Counter-Strike, are the main offenders. Why are these games such virtual crack? Escapism, says Myrow. Games like World of Warcraft allow you to customise your character's appearance, there's a monetary system, you can choose a new career and you're interacting with thousands - even millions - of gamers all over the world. 'Basically, whatever you lack in real life - friends, romance, money, talent, looks, a successful job - you can obtain in any MMO,' she says.

BREAK THE ADDICTION OR BREAKUP?
How can you tell if your partner's gaming has reached an unhealthy level? If it eats into time that should be spent with you, socialising or on housework, it's a problem. 'Many addicts spend six to 12 hours a day gaming – and in some cases, even longer,' says Myrow. 'His addiction is robbing you of time together and the intimacy you used to share,' adds relationship expert, Anne Hollonds.

It's easy to make excuses for his behaviour, but if you're feeling neglected, the problem needs to be addressed. 'Discuss it in a non-accusatory way,' advises Hollonds. 'Say, "I love you and really value the time we spend together and it seems we have less of that now"'.

Myrow agrees: 'A helpful phrase is "I don't hate the game or want you to stop playing, I just don't want to be neglected anymore. I want to come first in your life again."' And if this fails?

'Get professional help. If he's not prepared to get counselling as a couple, you need to go on your own,' says Hollonds. And if he won't change? Game over.

*Names have been changed

]]> Tue, 05 Apr 2011 12:00 +0200 Can These Love Combos Last? http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/can-these-love-combos-last-pg1
Mismatch #1 He's in his early 20s; you're in your late 20s or early 30s.

Chances Of It Working:
Poor. Most young guys aren't into a big relationship yet. And whereas you may already be thinking of baby names and a mortgage, he most likely is not.
BUT:
Obviously, guys in their 20s do settle down. (Hello, Ashton Kutcher) - it just may take him a while to get comfortable with monogamy and not feel rushed into things. If you're willing to be patient, you'll likely appreciate his sense of fun, his energy (especially in the bedroom!), and how unjaded he is.
Mismatch #2
Mismatch #3
Mismatch #4
Mismatch #5
Mismatch #6
Mismatch #7
Mismatch #8

]]> Mon, 04 Apr 2011 12:00 +0200 Boost Your Bond http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/boost-your-bond-pg1
1. Treat Him Like a Piece of Meat Single girls are in the habit of ogling gorgeous guys. Their stud radar is on, and when they find a man who makes them boil over, they can enjoy the thrill of hungry, wild lust. 'Once you're a twosome, however, that pure hunger can abate as you forge a stronger emotional connection,' says psychologist Dr Nancy Irwin. But rather than trade in one type of pleasure ride for another, strike the perfect balance by occasionally travelling back - in your mind – seeing your man as a hot piece of ass again that you just have to have. Here's why: 'While emotional sex makes you feel so close, the excitement of "animal" sex can completely recharge your connection,' says Irwin. Showing this kind of passion and desire makes you feel sexy and totally turns him on.

Here's a simple mind trick to get you in the mood for some non-emotional action. 'Conjure up your horniest fantasy or think back to the specifics of the hottest sex you and your man ever had,' suggests Irwin. Focusing on the raw physical element of sex will get you excited for his hot body and all that wild abandon. 'By the time you see him, ravaging him will be the only thing on your mind.'

When Sarah*, 25, was a free agent, her stomach would flip when her eyes connected with a hot guy. 'If I wanted a guy, I'd just let the lust take over. And actually thinking about the thrills I used to feel checking out a hot prospect – and those risqué nights that sometimes followed - gets me in the mood now when I want to get wild with my boyfriend.'
2. Show Him That You're Multi-Talented
3. Keep Your Adventurous Side Alive and Strong
4. Hang On To Your Male Friends
5. You've Got It, So Flaunt It

*Names have been changed

]]> Wed, 30 Mar 2011 12:00 +0200 The Perfect Fit http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/the-perfect-fit-pg1 How To Get What You Want From Your Man Anytime (iUniverse.com). 'You have to tune him in to what's missing from your bond so that you two can reach that highest level of love.'

Our checklist of common guy glitches, plus easy perfect-fit solutions, will help you get all of your love needs satisfied.

He Never Wants To Talk (Or Hear) About The Relationship 'Every couple of weeks, I'll ask my man how he thinks our relationship is faring and if he has any issues he wants to air,' explains Karen, 28*. 'He just mumbles that everything's cool, and then turns on the computer or fiddles with the car radio. It's not like I'm demanding a comprehensive report on the state of our union; I just want to make sure he's happy.'

Like Karen, most women crave - and need - regular check-in chats to reassure them that their link is tight. Yet even the most tender boyfriend will cringe at the prospect of frequent how-things-are-going gab sessions. 'Men assume you must not be satisfied if you have to keep talking, so rather than be put on the defensive or confronted with their shortcomings, they avoid the topic,' explains Dr Deborah Tannen, author of I Only Say This Because I Love You. And let's face it, guys just aren't hardwired to share their feelings, no matter what's bugging them. 'They'll wait as long as possible, hoping the issue goes away; rather than bring up any problems,' she adds.

Perfect-Fit Tip: Help him satisfy your need for periodic check-up talks by explaining that they're a way to convey what's on your minds and reaffirm your bond – not blindside each other with questions and crises. 'Once he realises you're not out to nitpick, he'll be more receptive,' says Dr David Lieberman, author of How To Change Anybody (Griffen).

Another talk tactic: Men respond to humour, and use it to defuse sticky situations themselves. So initiate a conversation by joking that you realise most guys would rather wax their private parts than vent emotions, but you really want to know if there is anything on his mind relationship-wise. Or instead of an open-ended inquiry, start talking about some of the terrific things he's done lately, then encourage him to do the same. 'You'll show him that "relationship chat" isn't code for "complaint session,"' he adds.
He Spends Cash Like He's Single
He Hasn't Mastered The Art Of Your Orgasm Yet
He's Not Into Your Brand Of Romance
He Refuses To Fight
His Social Style Isn't In Sync With Yours

]]> Mon, 14 Mar 2011 12:00 +0200 What He Notices About You Instantly http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/what-he-notices-about-you-instantly-pg1 really grabs his attention.

Your Smile You're introduced to a gorgeous guy. As you shake his hand, you flash him a smile – but, what does your smile communicate? 'If it's sweet and genuine or awkward and forced, he will spot the difference immediately. If your smile shows that you're open and approachable, a guy will respond with warmth and interest, but, if you convey shyness and insecurity – or worse, insincerity and aloofness – his inner-radar will warn him off,' explains behavioural psychologist, Anders Persson. So, rather than worrying about whether your teeth are white enough, think about how you feel when you meet someone new – and how you convey this through your body language.
Your Skin
Your Hair
Your Cleavage
Your Shape

]]> Tue, 22 Mar 2011 12:00 +0200 Fighting Fair http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/fighting-fair-pg1 Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love (Penguin Putnam), fighting fair is not simply a matter of courtesy, it's a vital part of a healthy relationship.

Knowing how to deal with conflict and sticking to the 'good fight rules' means that when your partnership hits a bump – and it will – you'll know how to navigate over it without causing unnecessary damage. If, by contrast, you dredge up issues from the past, name-call and character-assassinate, you're setting yourself up for singledom. Here are some 'fight right' rules.

Stay Calm This is really difficult, especially when you'd rather hit him over the head with a wok. The truth is, explains Lindy Bothma, couples counsellor, when you're raging like a banshee, you have much less chance of being heard than if you make an effort to talk calmly and clearly.

If you feel like you're about to boil over, request a time-out of a couple of minutes, go to another room and breathe deeply until you've regained control. If you're really boiling over, try hitting a pillow or another inanimate object to release some of your rage. Then, when you're spent, go back and re-address the issue quietly and calmly.
Be Specific About What's Bugging You
Deal With One Issue At a Time
Don't Generalise and Exaggerate
Talk To Him Like He's Someone You Love

]]> Mon, 14 Mar 2011 12:00 +0200 Is He a Keeper? http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/is-he-a-keeper
1. He calls to tell you when he's going to be late - even if it's only by 10 minutes.

2. He's had at least one friend since primary school. He can stay connected to someone he met in the sandpit? He must have good relationship stamina.

3. He knows exactly what his mom does for a living or, if she doesn't work, how she spends her time. Either way, he respects her for it.

4. He doesn't understand why celebrities keep jumping from one model or actress to the next like they're playing freaking leapfrog. Why can't a guy just stick with one woman?

5. If he stops to get a coffee for himself on his way over to your place, he picks up a cappuccino for you.

6. He compliments you on something that's uniquely you, like your slightly crooked smile.

7. He has a dog. (Some guys can't even commit to a houseplant.)

8. When you bring up your friend's engagement, he doesn't get that nervous, deer-caught-in-the-headlights look.

9. He offers you a bite of his meal. If the guy is this giving at the dinner table, just imagine what he'll be like in bed.

10. After getting off the phone with him, you realise your cheeks hurt from the Cameron Diaz-size smile that's been plastered on your face the whole time.

11. If you spill a glass of red wine or trip over your four-inch heels, you care enough to be embarrassed but feel comfortable enough with him to laugh it off.

12. He lives alone, which suggests that he's moved on from the life of an Xbox-playing-student.

13. He asks you to go hiking or check out a new lunch place. Making daytime plans shows he sees you as more than just someone to knock boots with.

14. He's fascinated by the details of your day, even if you're an accountant.

15. He ignores his call-waiting when he's on the phone with you. Even better, when you beep in, he decides to get off the other line.

16. He's backpacked through Europe or, if he hasn't, he'd jump at the opportunity. At least you know your future holidays won't involve piling into the Combi for yet another road trip.

17. You get home at dawn because you were both blabbing so much, not because you were busy sucking his face off.

18. He thinks that Pam Anderson's boobs are a tad overdone and Lara Flynn Boyle is scarily see-through. Meaning: He probably has realistic expectations of what a woman's body should really look like.

19. You get little butterflies in your stomach just watching him walk back to your table from the bathroom.

20. On the weekends, he gets up and hits the gym instead of lying in bed and nursing a hangover until it's happy hour again.

21. If plan A for the date falls through, he is ready with plan B.

22. He reminds you of one of your friends. If you love your buddy, why wouldn't you and he get along just as well?

23. He laughs while recounting a funny faux pas he made at work. Talk about sexy self-confidence.

24. When they bring you the wrong dish at a restaurant, he asks it they could keep his food warm until yours is ready, even though you told him to go ahead and eat.

25. He tells you he's getting tired of the bar scene. Translation: He's sown his wild oats and isn't trying to bed the last girl standing at 2am.

26. He has a set of matching sheets (that includes a top sheet).

27. After the first date, you're not worried about whether or not he'll call… because you know he will.

]]> Tue, 08 Mar 2011 12:00 +0200 Want To Get Serious? http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/want-to-get-serious-pg1
Timing Is Everything Trust your instincts. If he's had a bad day at work, it's no time to discuss shacking up together. 'The most opportune time to talk is when he's relaxed and in a good mood,' says William July, author of Confessions of an Ex Bachelor (Broadway Books). Your best bet for throwing the big issue on the table: at the beginning of a quiet dinner on a Friday evening, so he has all weekend to think about it, or at the very end of a holiday that the two of you are taking.
Say it So He Doesn't Panic
Let Him Think It Over

]]> Thu, 10 Feb 2011 12:00 +0200 Decode His V-Day Gift http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/decode-his-v-day-gift-pg1 Why Men Won't Commit. Here, Weinberg weighs in on the good, the bad, and the downright ugly.

Swanky Sweets Seems dreamy, right? 'This is not the most creative gift – chocolate isn't exactly personal – but he did extend himself to get the very best. I'd say this is a gift to impress, not one to make you feel truly unique and special.'
Trashy Lingerie
The Treat He'd Give Himself
Bling-Bling
Furry Friend
Deluxe Dinner
The Budget Bouquet
The 'Gee…Thanks' Gift

]]> Mon, 07 Feb 2011 12:00 +0200 Treats For Two http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/treats-for-two-pg1
Give In To a Guilty Pleasure Sometimes the best way to baby each other is just to be lazy. Throw in some all-day entertainment, and nothing's better. We suggest renting a full series of movies like The Godfather trilogy, if you want classic old-school; Avatar, if you have special-effects fever, or any movie starring Seth Rogen if you're craving a fix of all-out humour.
Exchange Sexy Wish Lists
Have Naked Brunch
Trade Head Scrubs

]]> Mon, 07 Feb 2011 12:00 +0200 Write It Right http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/write-it-right-pg1
Lose The Tiny Violin He might be the Jay-Z to your Beyonce, but most guys cringe at overly sentimental statements like 'I've never loved anyone as much as you' or 'You are my reason for living.' Even if it's true, the last thing you want is to make him feel uncomfortable, so keep the melodrama out.

Instead, let the tone reflect your relationship and the way you communicate, advises couples counsellor, Teresia Scher. 'It's totally okay to keep the tone of a love-letter light or even funny, if this is how you are as a couple. You don't have to get all serious; just be who you are.'
Make It About Him
Put Yourself In The Mood
Keep It Short

]]> Thu, 03 Feb 2011 12:00 +0200 It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/its-called-a-breakup-because-its-broken-pg1
Cue Greg Behrendt, Sex and the City scriptwriter and author of the best-seller He's Just Not That Into You (HarperCollins). After teaming up with his wife, Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt, they penned a guide on getting through a breakup. Titled It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken (Broadway Books), the book primarily looks at how easy it is to lose your head when you lose your dude. From hacking into his e-mail, to prank-calling him (ID withheld) at 3am, or simply refusing to leave the house for two weeks, things get weird when our ego is beaten and battered. Mercifully, the Behrendts have tapped into this 'feeling like crap' sentiment with profound accuracy, and they offer realistic advice to assist you from the second you hear, 'It's not you, it's me,' right through to when you boom, 'Take it all off,' to your hairdresser. So for anyone who's recently stepped off the relationship boat, here's a sneak peek at the helpful tips the book has to offer.

The Book Says: 'You need distance from the person causing you pain.' In a Nut Shell: Put That Phone Down Right Now

Team Behrendt suggests that no contact for 60 days will 'give you the opportunity to take control of a situation' and 'the distance necessary for total recovery'. I agree. In my last breakup, I got my clothes/CDs/PS3 back from his place the very next day, and declared myself Communicative Cold Turkey. I held my end of the bargain for three months, not sending one SMS or making one phone call. And it proved to be an unbelievable coping mechanism. It allowed me to work out my own stuff and meant that we were actually able to be friends later on because our breakup never moved into messy territory.
The Book Says: 'A lot of the pain you're experiencing right now is fear.'
The Book Says: 'Contacting him will do more good than harm.'
The Book Says: 'Don't subject your friends to endless analysis.'
The Book Says: 'He does not want to see you – no ifs or buts.'
The Book Says: 'Don't be the "cuckoos bananas" ex-girlfriend.'
The Book Says: 'One day it won't even occur to you to think about him.'

]]> Fri, 21 Jan 2011 12:00 +0200 Have You Already Met The One? http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/have-you-already-met-the-one-pg1 The Spotters Guide to the Male Species, this is a shame as there's a potential lover in your social circle at any given moment. 'You could be missing out on a fab relationship because you're paralysed by over-analysis' she says. Here's how to spot your man...

Blind-Spot Beater #1: ID Him You need to be ultra-alert to the clues that your rapport is more sexual spark than friendship fizz. 'You have a dormant desire to be with him if you: feel a twinge of jealousy when he gets a new girlfriend; remember all the compliments he's paid you; have more than a casual interest in his love life; see him one-on-one regularly, as well as in a group; and get annoyed if he turns up to meet you looking like he hasn't made an effort.'
Blind-Spot Beater #2: Rejection-Proof It
Blind-Spot Beater #3: Seal The Deal

]]> Wed, 19 Jan 2011 12:00 +0200 How To Tell If He's Into You http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/how-to-tell-if-hes-into-you-pg1
1. He's Animated One way to assess if he's digging you: look at his face. 'If he raises his eyebrows and smiles while talking to you, it's a sign you've piqued his interest,' explains non-verbal communication expert Audrey Nelson, PhD, author of You Don't Say. 'When his body is equally as amped (for instance, he uses his hands when telling a story), it indicates that he's in the early stages of enthrallment.
2. He Makes Himself Available
3. He Teases You
4. He Means What He Says

]]> Tue, 18 Jan 2011 12:00 +0200 Be a Cheap Date (Literally!) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/be-a-cheap-date-literally-pg1
Date-Saver #1: The Outfit Don't go and buy that R500 frock just yet; you can actually update what's in your wardrobe. Revamp an old dress by adding a chunky necklace or a sparkly belt cinched at the waist.
Date-Saver #2: Your Hair
Date-Saver #3: Go See a Movie
Date-Saver #4: Get Cultural
Date-Saver #5: Cheap Eats
Date-Saver #6: Get Out of Town

]]> Mon, 13 Dec 2010 12:00 +0200 Give Yourself a Relationship Refund http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/give-yourself-a-relationship-refund-pg1 The Big Book of Me. So, if ex-lag is holding you back, it's time to get a 'relationship refund' from your last man and put something back in your confidence bank.

CONFIDENCE CASHBACK #1: Trusting Other Men Anyone who's ever been through a tough relationship knows loneliness can occur even when someone is lying right next to you. lf the relationship isn't working, ending your constant worrying will often give you back the energy you need to live a happy life - on your own. 'l have a full life; I have so many friends and a great job. I've created this support system so that even when I'm alone I'm not lonely,' says Schefft. 'When I've been in relationships that haven't been right, it's almost a relief when they're over because a weight is lifted off my shoulders. There's nothing to worry about but yourself.'
CONFIDENCE CASHBACK #2: Learning to Love Your Alone Time
CONFIDENCE CASHBACK #3: Being Able to Make a Decision

]]> Wed, 08 Dec 2010 12:00 +0200 Holiday-Proof Your Relationship http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/holiday-proof-your-relationship-pg1
'The holidays are supposed to be joyful. Yet, fighting, sadness, and couples breaking up is also a reality for many,' says Dr Bonnie Eaker Weil, author of Make Up, Don't Break Up. 'The holidays are more stressful for a variety of reasons: increased spending, more activities and commitments, and frequent gatherings with families,' she says. Any one of these factors are reason enough to cause conflict. Plus, holiday blues are escalated through constant over-eating, too much alcohol and an over-indulgence in sugar, as well as the negative associations of stress and fighting from previous holidays. Here are some tips from Dr Weil on how to holiday-proof your relationship.

Holiday-Happy Tip #1 'Don't drink too much,' says Dr Weil. 'Alcohol and sugar increase moodiness and lower your endorphins, leaving you more likely to pick a fight.'
Holiday-Happy Tip #2
Holiday-Happy Tip #3
Holiday-Happy Tip #4
Holiday-Happy Tip #5
Holiday-Happy Tip #6
Holiday-Happy Tip #7
Holiday-Happy Tip #8

]]> Mon, 06 Dec 2010 12:00 +0200 Better Single Than Sorry http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/better-single-than-sorry-pg1 Better Single than Sorry (Avon) and former contestant on US reality shows The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. After 'winning' the heart of The Bachelor, Andrew Firestone, Schefft moved states to be with him, leaving her job and friends to give their engagement a chance. But it didn't work out. 'I was putting so much pressure on myself, but at the same time, I yearned to be with someone who "got" me,' she says. They split, and weeks later she starred on The Bachelorette, where she turned down two more opportunities to marry eligible men. 'The biggest misconception is that if someone looks great on paper, they must be perfect for you,' she says. 'But I'm looking for that intangible quality. I'm waiting for a relationship to feel how I want it to feel.' Here, Schefft's tips for celebrating your singledom...

It's Better To Be Alone Than Lonely In a Relationship Anyone who's ever been through a tough relationship knows loneliness can occur even when someone is lying right next to you. lf the relationship isn't working, ending your constant worrying will often give you back the energy you need to live a happy life - on your own. 'l have a full life; I have so many friends and a great job. I've created this support system so that even when I'm alone I'm not lonely,' says Schefft. 'When I've been in relationships that haven't been right, it's almost a relief when they're over because a weight is lifted off my shoulders. There's nothing to worry about but yourself.'
Use Your Single Time to Prove Your Independence
Don't Think You'll Be 'Left On The Shelf'

]]> Mon, 29 Nov 2010 12:00 +0200 When His Parents Just Don't Like You http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/when-his-parents-just-dont-like-you-pg1 Being Happy Being Married (The Perseus Books Group). So how do you fix things? Here's how to handle those pains-in-the… er, we mean, his parents.

Step 1: Put Yourself In Their Place How could anyone not love you? Well, relationship experts say the most likely explanation is fear. 'There's an innate protective instinct to shut out the "intruder" who's invading their family,' Schnebly says. Also, jealousy may be the issue. 'His mum may feel she's being replaced,' says Bree Allinson, author of How to Deal With Your Mother-in-Law (iUniverse.com). Reassure her by asking her for advice on her precious son.

In other cases, parents feel threatened that you'll influence their son if you come from a different background. 'Your values and religion may conflict with theirs,' Allinson says. Without sacrificing your beliefs, show that you're open to learning about theirs, so it's clear the two are able to co-exist.
Step 2: Show You Care About Him
Step 3: Don't Try to Be Best Friends
Step 4: Make an Effort
Step 5: Take a Stand

]]> Wed, 24 Nov 2010 12:00 +0200 Unbreakable Laws of Love and Lust http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/unbreakable-laws-of-love-and-lust-pg1
Love, as I describe in my book Lucky, is like getting hit by a large truck and not being mortally wounded. You feel sick to your stomach - high one minute and low the next, starving hungry but unable to eat. You feel hot, cold, constantly horny and full of hope and enthusiasm, but with momentary episodes of depression that wipe you out. It's also about not being able to remove the smile from your face, loving life with passionate intensity and feeling 10 years younger.

Rule #1: The Quickest Way To a Man's Heart Is To… Understand him and never try to change him. Men are mercurial creatures - they're big, tough and full of bravado. And yet, deep down, they're all just little boys playing the game of life. You have to love him for who he is, not what you think you can make him into.

If you wish to capture a man's heart, there are a few 'under no circumstances' things you must never do. These are:
• Sound like his mother.
• Criticise his bedroom skills without being prepared to tell him what you really need between the sheets.
• Boast about your ex-boyfriends.
• Forget to shower.
• Tell him he's boring.
• Nag him. Never ever nag.

And here are some things you should definitely do:
• Tell him he's hot.
• Tell him he's a great driver.
• Watch sport on TV with him.
• Tell him he's the best lover you've ever had, without making it sound like you've had lots (a little lying goes a long way!).
• Cook him his favourite meals. It's so easy, and yet it's like losing weight - you know what you should do, but sometimes it's just not possible.
Rule #2: Dump Him If He…
Rule #3: The Best Way To Mend a Broken Heart Is…
Rule #4: The Worst Love Trap You Can Fall Into Is...
Rule #5: The Best Way To Win Any Argument Is To…
Rule #6: The Sweetest Revenge Is…
Rule #7: What Men Really Want In Bed Is…
Rule #8: The Worst Sex Mistake You Can Make Is…

]]> Wed, 17 Nov 2010 12:00 +0200 Questions To Ask Yourself Before... http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/questions-to-ask-yourself-before-pg1
…You Move In Together • Am I moving in with him to get distance from my parents or to prove that I'm an adult?
• Am I doing this because I hate being alone?
• Am I making this decision for the sake of convenience?
• Am I running away from a bad living situation?
• Can I tolerate his daily habits?
• Do I feel relaxed enough around him to reveal my flaws?
• Have we discussed who does which household duties?
• Who cleans and when? Does the garbage? Cooks?
• Will we split rent down the middle, or does it depend on which of us earns more money?
• Have we set rules about how often friends and family can stay over?
• How will we merge our decorating tastes? Do either of us have items that we're not willing to give up?
• Am I prepared to have someone always in my space?
• Does he drink/smoke too much?
• What's his financial track record?
• Has he been financially dependent on his previous girlfriends?
• What do our recurring fights tend to be about?
• Could our routine spats get worse when we share such close quarters?
• Am I hoping this will lead to us getting engaged?
• If we split up, how would we divide our assets?
…You Get Engaged
…You Tie The Knot

]]> Fri, 12 Nov 2010 12:00 +0200 How To Stay Together http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/how-to-stay-together-pg1
PRESSURE #1: Girls-Only Time When your friend is newly single and upset about it, she needs to know you're there to support her 24/7 – which means less couple-time for you. 'If she's fresh from a split, your man should understand that you need to be there for her,' says Boynton. 'Just keep reviewing the situation. If, a few weeks later, she's become a permanent fixture on your sofa, you need to pull back gently. You'll continue to be available if she needs you, but you have to live your own life, too.'
PRESSURE #2: The Double-Date Dilemma
PRESSURE #3: Man Talk
PRESSURE #4: Becoming Her Wing Woman

]]> Wed, 10 Nov 2010 12:00 +0200 The Secret Signals His Face Is Sending You http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/the-secret-signals-his-face-is-sending-you-pg1
'Men are taught to stifle their emotions, so they often have trouble verbalising thoughts and feelings,' says psychologist Alon Gratch, author of lf Men Could Talk (Little Brown and Company). Adds anthropologist David Givens, author of Love Signals (Griffin), 'The face is considered the most expressive body part because its muscles are linked to the emotional centres in the brain. 'The slightest shift in mood registers as a specific facial gesture, making it difficult to conceal true feelings.' Learn to decode those unconscious cues and you'll literally see into his mind.


He Needs To Have Space LOOK OUT FOR: Turned head and zero eye contact

When your boyfriend turns his head to the right or left mid-conversation – so that you're talking to him in profile – this means he's in no mood to chat. 'He's using this head turn to increase the physical distance between you without actually moving his entire body away from you,' Givens says. 'He's creating a silent barrier to shut you out and create a safe haven for himself.'

How To Deal
It may have nothing to do with you, but something has clearly upset him and he needs alone time. 'Men require space in order to maintain their sense of independence, which is a central component to their identity,' Gratch says. 'Often they want to feel they've dealt with an issue without any assistance.'

Translation: getting in his face will only push him further away. So, unless you want him to retreat to Siberia, disappear until he's in a better mood. 'It can take the average guy up to an hour to relax and fully process a situation. It's crucial to allow him that time to think,' says Jonathan Robinson, psychotherapist and author of Communication Miracles for Couples.

Then, when he does seem more himself, say something like, 'What was going on before?' As long as he's not giving off any 'I'm pissed off with you' vibes, it was probably nothing anyway.
He Wants To Get Naked
He Has Something To Tell You
He Is Totally Smitten
He Has Something To Hide
He's Having Doubts

]]> Fri, 05 Nov 2010 12:00 +0200 Dates With Your Girls http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/dates-with-your-girls-pg1
We've all done it, but after reading our list of great things to do with your friends, you'll think twice before SMSing 'C U @ Cubana?'.

Just because you're single doesn't mean you can't do all the cool date stuff couples do – just do it with your girlfriends!

Take DJ Lessons If you love clubbing, why not take a sabbatical from smoke-filled clubs and get together for some DJ lessons. Find your nearest DJ school and get ready to raise the roof. (Hit Multi-Racial Records and see what they have to offer). Most professional schools provide all the equipment you need for your lessons, so you can be on the road to DJ stardom for less than the cost of a night out.
Learn a Language
Do a Makeup Course
Have Afternoon Tea
Play Paintball
Learn About Wine
Run Away To The Circus

]]> Mon, 01 Nov 2010 12:00 +0200 Love Goals http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/love-goals-pg1
Here, how to achieve your aims and give fate some encouragement…

Date Me! One day your prince will come… but he probably won't ride to the bar on a white horse, so to find him you need to take action and address your dating strategy. Many women continually fall for the same 'type' of guy – always wondering if next time will be different. Life-coach Terry Hawkins suggests making a list with two columns: the kind of man you want, versus the kind you've been going for. If there are discrepancies, break the cycle. Look for someone who wants the same things as you – a materialist will find it hard to be with a tree-hugger in the long term (no matter how great the sex is).

You should also dispense with restrictive ideals, suggests Lori Gottlieb, co-author of I Love You, Nice to Meet You. 'Saying, "l want to find my soulmate" is like saying "l want to find my fairy godmother". If you're older than 10 you know there's no fairy godmother and no Santa Claus,' says Gottlieb. By focusing on the concept of a soulmate, we limit our possibilities. Going into the dating game looking for a friend first and life partner second takes the pressure off, and you'll be much more open-minded if you leave your 'perfect man' check list at home.

You've opened yourself up to meeting the right guy, so where do you find him? Mine that rich dating resource – friends of friends. Hawkins encourages single girls to say yes to every invite, to meet new people. And when you do meet a guy at a braai? Take it slooow. Hawkins believes women are far too transparent with their feelings. 'Resist the temptation to SMS him first. Let him call you. And try to hold out on the first date.
Love Me!
Move In With Me

]]> Thu, 28 Oct 2010 12:00 +0200 Fall Back In Love http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/fall-back-in-love-pg1
So, before you find yourself in my situation, is it ever possible to get those old crazy-for-you feelings back? Yes, says relationships therapist Andrew Marshall, author of I Love You But I'm Not in Love With You. 'Often, couples believe the feelings associated with falling out of love are a signal something is wrong with their relationship, but it's actually more likely to be an indication your bond is trying to grow,' Marshall says. 'If you recognise this, it can be an opportunity for you to become even closer.'

So if you think you've spotted the warning signs and you're both committed to making it work, here are Marshall's expert tips for taking your relationship to a whole new loved-up level.

Make A Connection It's easy to assume love is the answer to all your relationship woes. 'The temptation is to rush to resolve the issue that's most in your face, rather than working out what the underlying issue is,' explains Marshall. For example, you might think your sex life is non-existent because you don't fancy each other anymore, so you dash out to buy sexy lingerie. But, actually, the problem is that you feel emotionally neglected.
HOMEWORK: 'Our parents set the blueprint for our relationships,' says Marshall. So look at your boyfriend's relationship with his mom and yours with your dad – you'll get a clearer understanding of the expectations you both have.
Join A Debate Club
Learn Love-Talk
Make It Child's Play
Be Your Own Person
Be A Quick Study
Continue Learning

]]> Mon, 25 Oct 2010 12:00 +0200 Make Relationships Work http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/make-relationships-work-pg1
Navigating even the best relationship can sometimes feel like driving to an unknown destination without a GPS: anxious, frustrating and even scary.

And while you don't want to take all the surprises out of your journey together, learning important facts about what makes relationships tick (and tank) can help you avoid trouble.

Spending Time Apart Improves Your Bond Yes, it's important to hang out with your partner, but experts now know it's almost as important not to be together all the time. 'Time away from each other gives you the opportunity to collect new thoughts, new stories and new ideas to share,' says dating coach Jennifer Oikle. And there's more: 'When you're with someone in the moment, you're not really spending time thinking about them,' says Debbie Magids, co-author of All the Good Ones Aren't Taken. 'When you're distanced, you think about the person and yearn for them, and you look forward to seeing them again.'
Your Gut Feeling That Something Is Wrong Is Probably Right
If a Man Has a History of Cheating, It's Likely He'll Cheat On You Too
He Wants To Think He's Taking Care Of You
If He Says He Can't Commit, He Means It
Sex Can Get Better as a Relationship Progresses
You Won't Regret Breaking Up If You're Unsure About Him
You Will Always Be The One To Initiate 'a Talk'

]]> Fri, 22 Oct 2010 12:00 +0200 Land a Second Date http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/land-a-second-date-pg1
On The Date • Men are driven to feel respected by others, so ask him a big question, like what his greatest achievement in life has been so far. He'll feel deeply understood – which ups the chances of him wanting to see you again.
• Most guys' favourite subject is sex and raunchy topics will pique his interest. But do this with occasional, clever double entendres, not 'Have you ever...?' This shows you can go there, but only when you want to.
• Get touchy. Give him a playful push or grab his wrist to check the time. Breaking the touch barrier makes it clear you're interested in him and triggers his libido.
Saying Goodnight
Post-Date

]]> Wed, 20 Oct 2010 12:00 +0200 You In The Morning http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/you-in-the-morning Jesse Metcalfe
'You know you really like a girl when you think she's gorgeous in the morning. You know, when her hair is all dishevelled, she's wearing one of your T-shirts and she's got morning breath. I'm used to movie sets, where everyone is made up and their hair has been taken care of, so it's refreshing to see a woman in a natural state.'

David Duchovny
'Uh man! I think my favourite moment would be staying in bed and watching her walk naked to the bathroom. That would be it.'

Ricky Gervais
'What do I love about my partner Jane in the morning? The same things I love about her in the afternoon and at night.' (Ahhhhh!)

John Legend
'I like women who look good in the morning – but that doesn't necessarily mean I like "high-maintenance" women. Looking good isn't about makeup; I like naturally lovely women, ladies who are confident, smart and sexy – not just in the way they look but in the way they carry themselves. If you don't love yourself it's very difficult for anyone else to love you – I truly believe that. I'm single at the moment, but I love waking up with a woman. I'm horny in the morning; I don't want the night to be over!'

Andre 3000
'I Iuurve watching the tail, you know, the back shot. When she walks away from the bed and you're just lying there, watching... It's a beautiful thing. But also if she slips on one of your shirts, or your boxers – it's the ownership of it, kind of "you look sexy and amazing and you're mine!"'

WHY HE'S SO INTO YOU AM
He's not just a sex pest, he's programmed to be into you at sunrise
'As a general rule, men are more turned on than women in the morning,' says couples therapist Richard Simpson. 'Morning, noon or night a man is genetically modified to be available for sex but the vulnerability of a woman in the morning is what men like most and women can use this to their advantage – look cuddly and defenceless and you'll have him eating out of your hand!'

He feels you've let him into a secret club
'Women feel the need to present an immaculate face to the world. Being allowed into the secret world of tousled hair and a makeup-free face is an expression of intimacy and privilege,' says Ingrid Collins, a consultant psychologist. 'Also, he may be subconsciously reminiscing about the first woman he loved: his mom. Moms of small boys usually don't have time to do their hair and makeup and she proves you don't need artificial trappings to gain men's love – in fact without them you appear more natural and honest, and at your most beautiful.'

So you look sexy and he feels sexy. Now what?
'Men are more in touch with feelings of arousal in the morning,' says Monika Dedus-Ephraim, psychosexual and couples psychotherapist. 'To maximise this natural urge, read some erotic fiction before bedtime to encourage sexual dreams and waking up aroused, or take off your underwear or pyjamas as a nice surprise.'

]]> Mon, 11 Oct 2010 12:00 +0200 Are You Turning Into Date-Zilla? http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/are-you-turning-into-date-zilla-pg1
Symptom #1: Taking The Afternoon Off To 'Prepare' 'This shows you're feeling a little appearance-insecure,' says Taylor. 'Try to remember that attraction's a two-way thing – he's probably just as nervous about how he looks and how much you'll fancy him, too. So relax and save your time off for you.'
Symptom #2: Swotting Up On His Likes and Dislikes Before a Date
Symptom #3: Planning Your Entire Conversation
Symptom #4: Hatching Elaborate Escape Plans
Symptom #5: Resorting To Lucky Charms/Pants/Other Superstitions

]]> Thu, 07 Oct 2010 12:00 +0200 Making Up http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/making-up-pg1 Dr Bonnie Eaker Weil, author of Make Up, Don't Break Up to find out how you can move past those tough times with your partner and save your relationship. Whether you're not communicating properly or argue all the time about the smaller things, we're pretty sure you can still make it work. Here's how…

1. You're Drifting Apart Find exciting things to do together where you both have common ground. For example, if he likes sporting events and you like the ballet. Try going to each other's events together with a curious and open mind. Use your incompatibilities to make compatible memories. It is important to be flexible and compromise, as drifting apart often stems from boredom. Do something new together where you can both learn and grow.
2. You Can't Talk To Each Other Like You Used To
3. You Argue All The Time
4. He Is Being Secretive
5. Your Job Is Causing You To Spend More Time Apart

]]> Tue, 05 Oct 2010 12:00 +0200 The Secret To a Forever Relationship http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/the-secret-to-a-forever-relationship-pg1
Powerful Praise Favourable feedback does more than just flatter your partner's ego. 'It validates accomplishments, but it also validates your relationship by showing that you get what is important to each other,' says psychologist Michele Marsh. Talking to your boyfriend about his success lets him relive the moment a bit, only this time he'll associate the positivity with you.

The reverse response is also telling: If you're not openly excited about what your partner considers to be a major personal victory, it conveys that you may be jealous, threatened, or just not interested in sharing such experiences with him. This might suggest why couples in the study who weren't thrilled by each other's good fortune were more likely to break up later down the track.
Be Stoked With Him
Let Him Give You a Boost

]]> Thu, 30 Sep 2010 12:00 +0200 Brains (Not Eyes) Fall In Love http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/brains-not-eyes-fall-in-love
The gobsmacky thing about this was that l didn't even mean to gravitate towards dark on dark; it just happened. Somewhere in the 'attractionation sector' of my brain (technical term – ask any neurosurgeon), it was programmed in that only a man with these characteristics could be attractive.

Plenty of women suffer from a similar brand of 'typitis'. One girl I know has a thing for polo-shirted, blond, preppy types; another for athletic Europeans. Others are concerned with a guy's physical size ('Hate small, cardigan-wearing girlie guys,' says a friend. 'Hate stocky, no-necked beefcakes,' says another), while, for others, it's the year his Ferrari was manufactured that counts.

But I now see that this 'typing' is rubbish. The whole system's flawed. The idea that we gravitate towards a type of man per se isn't, but that it's firmly entrenched in the physical is. We fall in love with a man's personality, sense of humour, kindness and generosity – not the fact that his dreamy brown eyes turn us into dribbling fools.

So consider this article as a warning. Are you wearing 'type blinkers', only viewing men of a certain look as having potential? You are? Great. I'm going to make you feel bad about it...

WHY DO WE HAVE TYPES?
There are a couple of reasons, and only some of them are made up. First of all, in terms of evolutionary psychology (this is obviously not made up – too many big words), we are 'programmed' to seek out and breed with men who are able to offer us the qualities and 'genetic artillery' we lack. This is why your type is often your physical opposite: I am 'naturally' fair-haired and light-eyed, so by choosing a dark-featured mate, l am subconsciously hoping that our children will have the power of two genetic pools, and thus be more likely to survive swine flu, famine or a rogue brontosaurus attack. (Incidentally, this is why many people believe we shouldn't wear perfume – it masks our natural pheromones, which exist to attract those mates who have contrary pheromones, again in the hope of boosting our future offspring's chance of survival against disease/death by iPod playlist.)

Another reason we implement physical checklists to measure attractiveness is because, with roughly three billion men in the world, we need some kind of screening process, and, gosh, it's useful! When it's a given that Amy likes clean-cut guys and Jessica likes goatees, there's no conflict over who goes for which guy. Neat. Fair. Easy.

However, as we see with Idols each year, with every screening process, some get left behind. And therein lies the problem – by culling on the basis of physical attribute alone, you miss out on a lot of good stock.

MOVING BEYOND YOUR TYPES
It's tricky to kick this 'type' stuff, especially since you've probably been attracted to the same kind of guy your whole life – and, for the most part, unintentionally. But it can be done and, I argue, should be at least attempted.

When I thought about it, I was using my 'type' as an excuse to not give 'non-types' a chance, subconsciously limiting the pool of men I liked to the size of a splash pool, rather than that lovely big one featured at the Olympics. But, oh, the error of my ways! The sheer narrow-mindedness of my radar! A friend would suggest a (probably awesome) guy who wasn't my type, and I'd shut her down. 'Sorry. Not my type,' I'd say haughtily, as I groomed my pet jaguar.

Then I met a guy who was conspicuously not my type. Violent opposite, in fact. After an hour of talking and laughing and discussing the merits of Homer Simpson vs Peter Griffin, I realised the fact he was light-eyed and fair-haired meant about minus 468. He'd dazzled me; I wanted in. Our chemistry was created in the cerebral but, as our bond intensified, it morphed into the physical. The point is, when you're fiercely attracted to someone's mind, you will become attracted to their body.

Since him, several 'non-types' have frolicked into my head and heart, to the point where I no longer claim to have a type. I eschew it, in fact. I'm type-free and proud. Blond hair? Bring it on. Green eyes? Lovely. Spray-tanned with massive guns and highlighted hair? Gorgeous.

None of this should surprise. As any smart person knows (or even an un-smart person who watches movies starring Julia Roberts or Cameron Diaz), ultimately, we will always fall in love with brains, not faces. Occasionally, we'll hit the jackpot, and those brains will have faces attached that delight us – but that's not the point. As our moms (and those soufflé chefs) have been telling us for years, it's what's inside that counts. Date with abandon and save all that typing for your keyboard.

]]> Mon, 27 Sep 2010 12:00 +0200 Safe Dating http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/safe-dating
FIRST THINGS FIRST
‘Don’t put any personal details on your profile that could enable somebody to trace you,’ says Georgia Barlow, author of The COSMOPOLITAN Guide To Online Dating: A Practical Guide For Dating Divas (JR Books). You know what that means: no e-mail addresses, work information or contact numbers. The best (and only) way to keep in touch with a guy while dating online is to make use of the site’s custom e-mail system. ‘This enables you to communicate anonymously with fellow daters without giving away your personal details,’ says Barlow.

‘You have to meet the person face to face to be able to decide how much and what information about yourself you want to divulge,’ agrees COSMO self-defence expert, Sanette Smit.

Also, be careful about creating a misleading profile. Making yourself out to be something you’re not is more dangerous than you think. ‘By doing this, you are creating a fantasy that could lead to your attracting the wrong person,’ says Smit.

And, if anyone tries to force information out of you, you shouldn’t be entertaining the thought of dating him. Period. ‘The moment you feel uncomfortable, intimidated or suspicious about someone, report him to the site moderators,’ says Barlow.

WATCH YOURSELF
When it actually comes to meeting up with someone, you first need to be sure about how you feel. If you are at all suspicious of him, don’t even go there. However, if he actually seems like a nice, normal guy, make sure you meet him in a public place, says Smit, preferably one that is familiar and safe to you. ‘Do not meet him in isolation.’

Barlow agrees. ‘Do not arrange to meet at his place or yours – whatever the reason.’ Never let your date pressure you into staying out, having another drink, moving on somewhere you don’t know or going back to his place, she adds.

When the day arrives (please note: day), don’t forget to take your phone (fully charged), warns Barlow. As a backup, says Smit, tell a friend where you are going and whom you are going to meet. ‘You must always have a backup.’

‘Give the details of the time you’re meeting, where you’re going and the name and number of your date to a couple of friends and have them keep an eye on their phone,’ agrees Barlow. She suggests arranging to SMS them at a certain time to let them know you’re okay.

No matter how cliché it sounds, safety comes first. Always.

]]> Wed, 22 Sep 2010 12:00 +0200 Getting Noticed http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/getting-noticed COSMO Dating might seem like a difficult task. You’re wrong.

‘Most people assume your profile is divided into three parts: your name, the description of what you’re looking for and what you have to offer,’ says Bryan Redfield, dating expert and creator of The Redfield Dating System. Actually, it’s only divided into two parts, he explains, your name and what you have to offer.

‘When it comes to his perfect-girlfriend-criteria-tick-list, it’s unlikely that “good username” figures in his top 100,’ says Georgia Barlow, author of The COSMOPOLITAN Guide To Online Dating: A Practical Guide For Dating Divas (JR Books). ‘But then again, after a quick scan of your profile picture, this is probably the first thing he’s going to notice.’

WHAT’S IN A NAME?
Don’t pick a name that makes you sound like a stripper. ‘SexySlut’ is bound to get you noticed, yes, but most certainly for all the wrong reasons. And the last thing you want is to attract dodgy profiles.

Begin with research, suggests Redfield. Look at other people’s profiles, both men and women, and, while taking notes, ask yourself the following questions:
• What names attract your attention?
• What names turn you off?
• What names make you want to contact him?
• What names make you want to run?

‘For example, how do you react to the names Boy Toy, Stud and Hustler? Yes, those are real profile names,’ he says. ‘What kind of guy would respond to names like Party Girl, Game Player and Plenty?’

Barlow agrees. ‘A common mistake is trying too hard to sound sexy and instead just sounding like the kind of girl who frequents sex chat rooms.’

Be aware of slipping between the cracks too. Having a profile name like Ashley6234JHB is not going to get you noticed. ‘If you end up with some convoluted codename with numbers you might just miss out to the girl with the cool name,’ says Barlow. ‘If in doubt, go for something a bit quirky or tongue-in-cheek,’ she says. ‘While you don’t want to sound too provocative and overtly sexual there’s nothing wrong with being a bit cheeky and flirtatious.’

PICTURE PROFILE
Look at other people’s profile descriptions and write down profiles you like and don’t like, says Redfield. You’ll get an idea of what turns you on and off, as well as the kind of guys you’ll be attracted to and who will be attracted to you, he says. ‘After you’ve done your homework, it’s time write your profile. You want a name and profile that accurately describes who you are and what you have to offer.’

The Rules
In case you forget, follow Barlow’s rules to get you started… and get your profile noticed.
1. Always be honest.
2. Don’t give out too much personal information.
3. Avoid clichés. (Walks on the beach…)
4. Don’t write long paragraphs of useless information, rather make a random list of fun facts about your likes and dislikes.
5. Don’t diss online dating… when you’re online dating.
6. Don’t try too hard to impress him.
7. Be funny and positive.
8. Be specific about what you’re looking for.

]]> Mon, 20 Sep 2010 12:00 +0200 Have That Tricky Chat http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/have-that-tricky-chat-pg1 real world, where tricky conversations are more likely to involve a bottle of wine and a pyramid of soggy tissues, and end in a shouting match. But while alcohol may make difficult subjects easier to broach, it’s not the best way to get your point across. COSMO shows you how to get through those toe-curling tête-à-têtes – without the hangover.

BEFORE YOU START...
‘Firstly, make sure you’re armed with a plan,’ says relationship expert Jenni Trent Hughes. ‘Think through what he might say and decide how you’d respond. Secondly, make sure you listen, and give him time to digest what you’ve said. Finally, remember that some important conversations happen gradually – it could take a month of talking to get through everything you need to discuss.’

DILEMMA: ‘I wish our sex life was more adventurous.’ This is the one topic where a glass of wine might be helpful to get you relaxed. ‘Switch off your TV and cell phones, and stay away from the bedroom, which is where you’re most intimate,’ says Relate’s Denise Knowles. ‘Begin by asking how he feels your sex life is going, and if he’s happy – without pointing the finger of blame. Then say something like, “I thought we could try some new things together – what do you think?” Make some simple suggestions, like having a shower together, then ask if he has any ideas of his own, so he doesn’t think this is about him being bad in bed.’ And if he takes it to heart, ripping off his trousers is a quick way of telling him you still think he’s sexy...
DILEMMA: ‘We’ve been a couple for years – will you ever propose?’
DILEMMA: ‘Are we ever going to agree on having children?’
DILEMMA: ‘I want to call time on our relationship.’

]]> Wed, 15 Sep 2010 12:00 +0200 Unlikely Love Gurus http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/unlikely-love-gurus-pg1 The Big Book Of Me. ‘Your best love mentors are actually the most unlikely suspects...’

Love Guru #1 MENTOR-AT-THE-MOMENT
Your Mom
MENTOR-IN-WAITING
Your Mom’s Best Friend
‘Your mum is often too close to you to give good advice,’ says Grunfeld. ‘She has protective instincts, which cloud her judgement. She also knows that if she’s too critical of your man, it could backfire. So seek out her best friend. Like your mom, she’s known you since you were in nappies, so she can penetrate any social mask you wear and won’t be afraid to give a pull-no-punches perspective?’
WHAT TO ASK: ‘When do you think I’ve been at my happiest and why?’
Love Guru #2
Love Guru #3

]]> Mon, 13 Sep 2010 12:00 +0200 Read Your Man's Foot http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/read-your-mans-foot-pg1 Let’s Read Our Feet! Here she explains how to discover his heart and sole.

Is He a Pushover? ‘If the tips of his toes look square, not rounded, he’ll tell you bluntly exactly what he thinks,’ says Sheehan. ‘A rounded tip spells diplomacy.’ Also look at the size of the nail on his big toe. ‘This nail represents protection, so the smaller it is, the easier he is to persuade,’ she adds. An ideal time to tell him about that girlie weekend away…
Are We Compatible?
Will He Remember My Birthday?
Does He Have Troubles Showing His Emotions?
Is He The Life Of The Party?
Is He Sensitive?

]]> Thu, 09 Sep 2010 12:00 +0200 Are You a Boring Date? http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/are-you-a-boring-date-pg1
The most important thing to remember is be yourself, says life and relationship coach, Shelley Lewin, because life is too short to be anyone else. ‘You will find your best match when you are brave enough to be authentic about who you are.’

While we all know how nerve-wracking first dates can be, don’t go in worrying about whether you’ll have anything in common or thinking you’re going to have nothing to say to each other. Think of the first date as an opportunity to screen and assess whether you want to go on another date with him, not the other way around, says Lewin. Focus on talking about each other’s passions, interests and hobbies, she adds, that way you can find out if you share common interests, which in turn can help you decide whether you’re interested in setting up a second date.

Be warm and friendly and remember to smile, recommends Lewin. ‘Be curious about him – most people like to talk about themselves and enjoy having someone show an interest in them.’ Most importantly though, she explains, is to be real and true to who you are. ‘If your date doesn’t like it – good riddance! Rather be alone than loved for pretending to be someone you’re not.’

Greg Godek, author of 1001 Ways To Be Romantic (Sourcebooks Inc) has a few first date tips that’ll help you let your date know just how fabulous you are, right from the start.

1. Drink Up! ‘This doesn’t mean downing shots of Schnapps. Have a few sips of wine or champagne to lower your inhibitions just a little, as it’s your inhibitions that are preventing the real you from shining through.’
2. Talk, But Don’t Jabber
3. Start Redefining
4. Do Not Try To Impress Your Date
5. Cheat… a Little
6. Just Be You

As Lewin said, being yourself is key. So don’t hold back and celebrate who you are… because you’re you and that’s definitely worth celebrating.

]]> Tue, 07 Sep 2010 12:00 +0200 The Emotional Prenup http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/the-emotional-prenup
In one throwaway sentence, he’d presented me with an emotional prenup: the only thing he wanted access to was my pants. How could I have misread things so badly? All the signs were there: we only met on his terms, he wasn’t interested in meeting my friends, and our ‘dates’ generally consisted of a couple of hours in a bar before going back to mine. I’d unwittingly signed a contract I hadn’t understood. Had I looked at the small print, it probably would have read, ‘Sex, no serious relationship.’ I’d been served an emotional prenup and I didn’t see it coming - mainly because I’d convinced myself I could change him.

HAPPY EVER… NEVER
Brenda Della Casa, author of Cinderella Was a Liar: The Real Reason You Can’t Find (or Keep} a Prince (McGraw Hill), says the reason we often don’t realise we’ve been served an emotional prenup is because we’re too focused on the Happily Ever After. So, when he says, ‘l just want to have fun,’ we hear, ‘I just want to have fun for now but, one day I’ll want a serious relationship.’

The reason commitment-shy guys like these prenups is because, by being open about their emotional intentions (or lack of them), they can get what they want from us (usually sex), then use their well-constructed get-out clauses when we become too clingy (think, ‘I told you I just wanted to have some fun’). If we agree to their terms, we’re effectively giving them what they wanted in the first place: a shag buddy.

THE NO-STRINGS CONTRACT
‘An emotional prenup is effectively an agreement to devalue all the wonderful things about relationships, such as the bond, commitment and love you want and deserve,’ says Della Casa. So, when you’re presented with one, you need to ask yourself whether you’re really after a meaningless fling. If you are, pick up that pen and sign with a flourish. But if that’s not all you want, you need to ask yourself whether you’re comfortable accepting his proposal.

Mostly, a guy will lay his emotional prenup on the table and tell you straight up he’s not looking for anything serious. But there are several other phrases he may use too – classics such as, ‘We’re having fun; why complicate things?’, or, ‘Let’s just see how things go’, or even, ‘My last girlfriend was really clingy’. From the moment he utters those words and you declare you feel exactly the same way, you’re forfeiting your right to a meaningful relationship.

The problem is, what a guy sees as a clear signal, our fantasies turn into a mixed message. We convince ourselves that when he says, ‘I don’t want a relationship’, what he means is, ‘I didn’t want a relationship before I met you’. We want to be the one who can entice them into settling down.

Sex also has a habit of confusing things. A friend of mine went to bed with a friend of hers who she’d liked for ages. They were drunk, he said he didn’t want a relationship, and they had sex. The next morning they had sex again. It felt intimate and she convinced herself he’d changed his mind and wanted more. But the painful truth was, he’d just felt horny again.

NO-MATE DATES
Della Casa has a theory about picking up these signs. ‘A relationship is like a good role in a movie – it develops over time,’ she explains. ‘You start with the flirting and the little games, and then it moves on to a deeper level, and you start becoming part of each other’s lives. If, after six months, you haven’t met his friends, and the closest you’ve come to a proper date is your local bar, the relationship isn’t going anywhere. And if your stomach is still in knots all the time, you need to realise it’s not butterflies. When a man cares about you, you know exactly where you stand.’

Truth is, we have to accept that a man’s emotional prenup is a serious contract that he has no intention of breaking. And no wonder, when he’s the one reaping the benefits. ‘When he says, “Let’s just have some fun”, what he actually means is, “Let me just have some fun”,’ says Della Casa. ‘There is nothing “fun” about caring for someone more than they care about you.’

The trick is to remember, if a man is offering an emotional prenup, you don’t have to sign it. Now you understand the small print, you can be just as clear with your terms, and see whether he agrees to them. You never know; you may be surprised. And, if he doesn’t agree, he’s not worth the paper you wrote on.

]]> Mon, 30 Aug 2010 12:00 +0200 Breaking Up 2.0 http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/breaking-up-20
While you can create distance when you’re offline, she says, staying connected to his Facebook or Twitter updates enables you to continue to share in your ex’s day-to-day routines. This only prolongs the period of getting over a relationship, she explains. ‘Just as you needed time and space to get over a relationship before the digital age, you will need time and space online to ensure you can truly disconnect from a relationship.’

CLICK DELETE
It is unhealthy to keep hanging on to a relationship that has died, says Sandton-based psychologist, Dr. Tanya Robinson. ‘You have to move on and cut the ties.’ Life and relationship coach, Shelley Lewin, agrees. Delete him from Facebook, stop following him on Twitter and don’t accept him as a contact on any other social media networks, she says. This is the best way to create that much-needed time and space, adds Moss.

FRIENDSHIP WOES
Having mutual friends can make breaking up and disconnecting from your ex a battle. ‘You need to prepare yourself for the fact that you may come across your ex when interacting with mutual friends,’ says Moss. ‘Seeing him tagged in a friend’s photo on Facebook may be as painful as seeing him across the room at a party.’ However, she explains, when you’re online, you have the power to log off and deal with your reaction without offending anyone, unlike at a party where leaving might not be as easy or anonymous.

Keeping the doors open is often because you don’t want to be alone, have feelings for your ex or can’t let go, says Robinson. It is therefore important to have limited contacted with your ex and your mutual friends and rather focus on new beginnings, she adds.

STALKER ALERT
Whether you’re following him on Twitter or checking his Facebook profile, stalking your ex online is easy, says Moss. Don’t fall into this trap, she warns. ‘You need to ask yourself why you are so compelled to spend valuable time (and bandwidth) on someone that is not supposed to be a part of your life anymore.’

‘Stalking him and knowing his whereabouts will only make you feel worse,’ agrees Lewin. You are in control of your hands and fingers, she says, so be kind to yourself and give yourself time to get over the raw feelings. If you’re angry or sad, says Moss, and you feel the only way you can cope with these feelings is by staying connected, you’re not really dealing with these emotions at all. ‘Cyber stalking is a clear indication that there is unfinished business and you may need to take some time to reflect on this, or seek objective perspectives from a friend or professional.’

If you still have access to his passwords, says Moss, rather than be tempted to use them, think about what you would do if you had his house keys. ‘Would you go in and trash his house or would that be too extreme a reaction? How you treat online property should be guided by the same principles as offline property.’

DISCONNECTING DECISIONS
‘Being connected is a great gift of the 21st century, as we are able to maintain relationships that wouldn’t normally last and keep in touch with more people than ever before,’ explains Moss. However, she says, people always tend to know your business and excluding someone from your life isn’t an easy task. When it comes to deciding whether or not to remain connected with an ex, she says, it may be useful to use yourself as a guide. ‘Ask yourself “How would I feel if he deleted me off Facebook?” If the answer is that you would understand and not be offended, then you can disconnect without worrying.’ On the other hand, she adds, if you think you would be angry, betrayed or offended, then you clearly need to spend more time healing away from your ex… and less time surfing the Internet seeking him out.’

]]> Wed, 25 Aug 2010 12:00 +0200 Relationship Rules To Ignore http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/relationship-rules-to-ignore-pg1
‘Instead of blindly adhering to possibly outdated standards, consider how couples really function in today’s world, and act accordingly,’ says psychotherapist Dr Lynn Ianni. The trick is figuring out which love laws help bolster your connection and which ones should be banned.

Not quite sure? Don’t worry, we’ve compiled the five dating doctrines you need to ditch this instant!

Rule 1: You Should Tell Him Everything WHY YOU SHOULD BREAK IT: You already know it’s not the best idea to attach yourself to his hip; same goes for drawing him a mental map of your day. ‘The summarised version is actually more effective,’ says relationships counsellor Dr Roger Rhoades. ‘Then move on to more mutually interesting topics, like current events or a movie you want to see.’

So when you two meet up after work, how do you know if you’re giving too much info? Follow this rule: ‘Fill him in on the things that elicited an emotional response from you,’ says Ianni. ‘Then skim over the stuff that didn’t have a profound effect.’

Also, keep in mind what you know he’ll find interesting and what’ll make his eyes glaze over. He’ll be more into communicating with you if you’re both on the same page.
Rule 2: You Can’t Perve On Anyone Else
Rule 3: Sex Always Has To Be Spontaneous
Rule 4: You Have To Resolve Every Conflict
Rule 5: You Need To Ditch Your Exes

]]> Mon, 23 Aug 2010 12:00 +0200 'Do We Really Have To Fight About This?' http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/do-we-really-have-to-fight-about-this-pg1
‘When something that’s seemingly petty annoys you, it can be because you’re harbouring larger doubts,’ says psychoanalyst Bethany Marshall, author of Deal Breakers: When to Work on a Relationship and When to Walk Away. Here’s how to tell if your bickering is linked to a niggle – or to something more serious.

FIND THE PROBLEM Think hard about your little quarrels and look closer to see if any of these points ring true:


You wouldn’t care if a friend did the same thing. You’re happy to rain-check if a girlfriend cancels plans, but it’s unforgivable when he does it. This indicates you’re anxious about your partner, not his behaviour. (If you get mad when people cancel on you in general, it’s your own pet peeve.)
You’re always wound up by an unrelated trigger.
Random things remind you of his other ‘offences’.


CLARIFY YOUR ISSUES
If you’re certain that the tiff isn’t a trivial one, ask yourself, ‘What is it – specifically – about his habit (i.e. leaving dirty towels on the bedroom floor) that freaks me out so much?’ You should be aware that some bigger issues are yours to deal with, not his. For example, if you start feeling irritated whenever he pigs out on dessert, is it because you are struggling with your weight?

Talk about it when you’re both relaxed, say, while lazing around on a Sunday afternoon. Back up your position with an example, like, ‘I know I get cranky when you go to the bar with your friends. It’s not that I don’t like them; I just feel we’re not getting enough time together.’ Then ask him to suggest solutions, so he’s part of the action plan.

Remember, it’s not what your partner does that bugs you; it’s what the actions represent, and how they affect your relationship. Keep the conversation rational and productive – don’t nag.

MAKE DECISIONS
Now, back off and give him time to mull it over. If you have a good bond, he’ll see the bigger picture and make an effort to compromise. But if he shrugs off your concerns, the conflict won’t go away. It’s your call: you have to decide whether you can accept his flaw. Deal with your issue or call it a deal-breaker and move on.

]]> Thu, 19 Aug 2010 12:00 +0200 Dating Don'ts http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/dating-donts-pg1 Greg Godek, author of 1001 Ways To Be Romantic, feels about romance. Now, let him guide you on the mistakes you need to watch out for when you start dating a new guy.

You’re Too Subtle ‘There is a difference between being “on the quiet side” and being outright shy. The only guys who really like shy girls are those who want to do all the talking and have no competition. Imagine being with a blabbermouth like that for the rest of your life or even the rest of a date…’
You’re Manic
You Laugh at All His Jokes
You Ask Too Many Questions
You Talk About Marriage and/or Babies… Too Soon
You Don’t Leave Anything To The Imagination
You’re On Your Best Behaviour

]]> Tue, 17 Aug 2010 12:00 +0200 Single In a Couple's World http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/single-in-a-couples-world-pg1
But don’t despair; you just need a dash of single-survival therapy.

‘Many women see being single as just a waiting period between men,’ says therapist Karen Gail Lewis, author of With Or Without A Man (Bull Publishing Company). ‘But there’s no better time to learn about yourself, explore opportunities and do all the things you were too busy to do with a boyfriend?’

All it takes is the right mindset – so follow these strategies for feeling fabulous when you go solo.

Indulge Your Desires When you’re single, you live life on your own terms. Meaning you can move to a new city or jet off to the Caribbean for a week without having to take someone else’s needs into account. ‘Single women have more freedom, often see more of their friends and have more opportunities to do what they want, when they want,’ says Bella DePaulo, a social psychologist who studies singles and their place in society.

You also have time to pursue interests you may have previously put on the back burner. Let’s be honest – it’s hard to squeeze in me-time when you have a man. So take advantage of this period to travel, start a course, or go on a self-improvement kick.

Between her full-time job and full-time relationship, Lara, 28, never had time for herself. ‘When Jake and l broke up, I threw myself into yoga. I started going four days a week, including a Saturday morning class that replaced my usual late breakfast with my man. Now I’m not only more relaxed and confident, but in the best shape of my life.’
Savour Small, Sexy Encounters
Don’t Give In To Brainwashing

]]> Fri, 13 Aug 2010 12:00 +0200 Over The Counter http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/over-the-counter
WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
Bryan Redfield, creator of The Redfield Dating System, is Hollywood’s premier bartender. ‘For the last 14 years, I’ve watched over 10 000 single men and women do everything in their power to find, approach, meet, talk with, ask out and date someone they were strongly attracted to,’ he says. ‘In the process, I uncovered the truth about what works, what doesn’t and why.’

He found women who were successful were all doing the same things right, while those who were getting hurt, used and taken advantage of were doing the same things incorrectly. After talking with happily-dating women, Redfield decided to share his knowledge with single ladies looking for answers.

THE GOLDEN RULES
‘In the dating world, long-lasting success is all about knowing how to get what you want to make you both happy using class, style and dignity without compromising your self-respect,’ says Redfield.

Redfield has come up with a few fail-free dating tips for you to consider when you’ve just met someone you’re attracted to.

1. Don’t let a man buy you a drink. If you decide this isn’t the guy for you and he’s bought you a drink he may feel he has the right to stand there even if you don’t want him to. It could be awkward getting rid of him. Why risk it?

2. One of the biggest mistakes women make when trying to meet men is that they go for ‘the revealing look’, in other words, they wear clothes that elicit a sexual response from men. They show as much skin as they can and this attracts the men who are only looking for sex - because that is what she is advertising, even though it isn’t what she wants.

3. The guy you meet has to respond to you according to the way you present yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror, from the neck down. Then ask, what is this person selling? A one-night stand or a long-term relationship?

4. Don’t have sex with him the night you meet him or on the first date because it makes sex the focus of the relationship. If you always have sex when you get together your relationship becomes based on sex, not common ground or friendship. As a result, once the newness of the sex wears off, the relationship will be over because it’s built on the wrong foundation.

5. Never compromise your self-respect for any reason at any time. There are no exceptions to this rule, ever. If he ever wants you to compromise your self-respect, he’s just proven he has no respect for you. He’s also just proven all he wants from you is sex. Always remember, no long-term relationship can exist without mutual respect.

6. Stay out of your living quarters (your apartment or his) unless or until you want to have sex with him, as it’s too easy to feel trapped. If you’re at your place and he tries to push sex before you’re ready, you have nowhere to escape to.

7. Go to places where you both feel comfortable and safe. If you don’t feel comfortable and safe, you can’t possibly have a good time.

8. When you meet a man you’re attracted to, stop drinking alcohol. This gives him a direct message that you’re to be taken seriously. If you drink and end up having sex with him before you’re ready, you’ll only feel used. Not only will it seriously damage your relationship with him, it will permanently destroy your trust in him.

9. Go to places where you can talk to and get to know each other better as human beings, not just as the girlfriend/boyfriend – it will help build a foundation for a long-lasting relationship.

10. Go to places where you have common interests – if you don’t have anything in common how will you spend your time together?

]]> Wed, 11 Aug 2010 12:00 +0200 Get More 'Man Hours' http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/get-more-man-hours-pg1
So, why are relationship hours so rare? For a start, we work more hours than ever an average 45 hours a week (two hours more than men). Add everything else into the mix (gym, friends, etc) and it's not surprising we dont have time for each other. But if you don't make time, your relationship will suffer, says life coach Dr Zaffran Shahzada. Here's how...

PART 1
BEAT THE CLOCK		 Not enough hours in the day? Follow Dr Shahzadas tips for more you-and-him time.

Gain One Hour Together
Share a car to work be a green goddess and reconnect.
Have a you-and-him happy hour before your respective girls'/boys' night out.
Take a change of clothes to work, instead of dashing home before your date, so you meet him at six rather than seven.

Gain Three Hours Together
Ban the cinema. Why sit in the dark when you could be talking?
Alternate visits to each others family for Sunday lunch, rather than going to yours on your own.
Play tennis or squash together it'll get your competitive (and lusty) fires burning.

Gain Two Days Together
Plan ahead and each book a day off either side of a weekend.
Buy a tent and go on a cheap mini-break. When it's a field of cows, rather than the soccer competing for his attention, you're guaranteed to win.
PART 2
YOUR DOUBLE-THE-QUALITY PLAN

]]> Fri, 06 Aug 2010 12:00 +0200 I Need Some Space http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/i-need-some-space
In the August 2010 issue of COSMOPOLITAN (pg74), we investigate what’s behind the space conversation, what it means for your relationship and how to handle the bombshell if you’ve recently been hit.



We also took to the streets to find out what you thought of the space debate.
]]> Tue, 03 Aug 2010 12:00 +0200 Flatmate to Boyfriend http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/flatmate-to-boyfriend
Welcome to one of the wonders of the urban age: falling in love with your flatmate. Like strolling through a field of landmines to get to a gelato shop, it’s fraught with danger – but it can work out.

THE FIRST MOVE
Five months after Chris moved in, he and Rachael eventually found themselves simultaneously single. One night, Rachael was sick in bed with a stomach ache. ‘I was in my room crying, feeling awful,’ she says. ‘I got an SMS from Chris saying, “If you need a hug or anything just come into my room.” So I did, and I fell asleep cuddled up to him while we watched a movie. Every night after that I’d go into his room, and we’d watch TV and talk until three in the morning. Then one night he just started kissing me,’ she says, smiling. ‘We’re kind of together now – I think – but I’m not sure exactly where I stand.’

THE NEXT MOVE?
Relationships counsellor Aileen Smith thinks getting it on with your flatmate can be a positive start to a relationship. ‘When you’re single and looking for love you try to put forward your best possible self. The great thing about getting together with a flatmate is that you already know what they’re like.’ Rachael, however, doesn’t know what she should do now. ‘Just allow the chemistry to evolve and see what happens,’ advises Smith.

BUMPS UNDER THE THIRD WHEEL
Unfortunately, there’s an obstacle to Chris and Rachael’s chemistry evolving. The third flatmate in the house, Quentin, hasn’t liked Chris since he moved in. ‘Since Chris and l have been a bit coupley, he’s pissed at both of us,’ Rachael says. ‘And he bitches to our mutual friends, saying we’re selfish and don’t do housework – which isn’t true.’ The old saying, ‘Two’s company, three’s a crowd’ rings true in a houseshare romance scenario. Smith says it’s the responsibility of the couple to make sure the other housemates feel comfortable. ‘The couple needs to have boundaries and not get in peoples’ faces. If they can’t do that, then they should make other arrangements,’ she says.

GET A ROOM
If you are serious, you could consider moving out to give your relationship space. ‘When you live apart you’re excited about seeing each other, you plan for the weekend – it’s just a fun, enjoyable part of a relationship,’ says Smith. Another reason to stay independent is that while it’s easy to move in together, it’s not as simple to move out (i.e. break up). ‘If you’re not tangled up in cohabitation it’s easier to say, “I’m not happy anymore, I want to go separate ways”,’ says Smith. Of course, it still hurts, but at least you don’t have to go through the stress of breaking the lease and finding somewhere to live.

HE LOVES ME NOT
Not every flattie crush ends happily. lf you have feelings for him but he has a partner, or worse, gives a different girl a noisy tour of his bedroom every week, Smith suggests some realistic self-talk. ‘Say to yourself, “OK, that option isn’t available,” and get on with your life. Direct your energy away from him, into your study, work or social life.’ And of course, there’s always the possibility that things will work out in a relationship that evolves from friendly flatties to love.

]]> Fri, 30 Jul 2010 12:00 +0200 Dating and Relating http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/dating-and-relating-pg1
The ‘I Can Deal With This’ Bombshell Think of this as a mini bombshell. It’s not exactly welcome news – for example, you find out that your partner is on antidepressants – but there’s been no infidelity or major deceit. ‘Although this type of bombshell is not completely devastating, it can make you doubt how well you actually know this guy,’ says psychotherapist Eric Thurnauer.

But that doesn’t mean you should act as if nothing’s happened. ‘When you discover a skeleton in his closet, you’re allowed to react,’ says Jess Alberts, a communications professor. ‘Just ask him to give you the full story first.’
The ‘I Need More Info’ Bombshell
The ‘Dazed and Confused’ Bombshell
The ‘Total Deal-Breaker’ Bombshell


]]> Wed, 28 Jul 2010 12:00 +0200 All The Single Ladies http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/all-the-single-ladies
With online dating, however, you have complete control and can find someone who meets your specific needs.

When COSMO Features Writer Linda Mali decided to give it a try, she wasn’t expecting much. ‘I had been single for a while and after a few dud dates, a colleague suggested I sign up to an online dating site,’ she says. ‘I had never considered it before, believing that online dating was for desperados and psychopaths!

‘I registered my profile without a picture just to look around and see what’s out there. I stumbled upon a profile of a guy whose image looked good. His profile name was “The Great One”. He sounded a bit smug, so I didn’t make contact initially. A few days later I received a message from him asking to chat and we did. He seemed interesting and normal, much to my relief. We eventually exchanged numbers and e-mail address and started talking almost every day.

‘We decided to meet three months later. I was extremely nervous, but when I saw him in the park at our designated meeting spot, I recognised him and was relieved to find he looked just as good in real life as he did on his profile. He spent the weekend and we had a fantastic time. We’re not officially dating, but I enjoy chatting to him and it’s nice to have a voice at the other end of the line I can chat to when I need a friendly ear. I’ve had a few unpleasant experiences online (guys sending erotic messages about the things they’d like to do to me – shock horror!), but once I met “The Great One”, I felt no need to keep looking.’

Just like Linda, 24-year-old, Suzanne Byers* decided to give online dating a try. This is her story:

‘One day, I got a message from this blonde, surfer boy, asking to be friends. I decided to accept, and at first, we’d send each other a message once a week, but this soon escalated to as many as a few messages a day. Eventually, we swapped numbers and started SMSing and talking every day.

‘I realised I was starting to develop feelings for this guy, a guy who I had never even met. And he was feeling the same way. We decided to meet in January 2006. I took a risk and flew up to Durban to meet my crush. The rest is history. He moved to Cape Town soon after, and now, almost five years later, I’m planning our wedding. Through online dating, we actually got to know each other first before we met. Obviously online dating can pose a few safety worries, as you have no clue whether the guy is actually telling you the truth. But for me, it was worth taking the plunge. I’ve never been happier. I have found my soul mate.’

If you’re not sure how things work in the world of online dating, visit Cosmopolitan Dating and get started.

*Name has been changed
]]> Mon, 26 Jul 2010 12:00 +0200 Should You Date Her Ex? http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/should-you-date-her-ex
There was just one tiny obstacle: he was a good friend’s ex.

In those moments, I frantically tried to justify the idea of kissing him: she dumped him! They were only together two months! She has another boyfriend! They never really got on! However much I tried, though, I still didn’t feel comfortable about making a move. There just seemed to be no avoiding it: sleeping with a friend’s ex was a major taboo. If I took the plunge, I could be accused of stamping on her territory and generally being a bitch – not ideal.

Unsurprisingly, it’s a situation most of us find ourselves in. As my friend Fiona, 28, says, ‘In any group, you get to know each other’s boyfriends, and chances are, if your friend likes him, you will too. Sometimes, when the couple breaks up, you start looking at the guy in a new way.’

But, while it might be tempting, should you actually go for it? In my case, l weighed up the situation and (with a serious shot of will power) decided not to. He was only in town for a few more months and I wasn’t keen on losing a close friend for a relationship that probably wouldn’t last. I also thought of how my friend would feel. I knew she would always worry we’d talk about her, comparing notes on the way she bites her nails or that time she threw up in a taxi. And that’s before you consider any sexual comparisons... It just didn’t seem entirely fair.

Occasionally though, I have to admit, I’ve wondered whether I did the right thing. After all, he was interesting, as well as gorgeous and funny. If I’d gone for it, perhaps I’d be living with him now, sitting on the beach, topping up my own tan.

‘You did the right thing,’ my friend Jane, 26, reassured me. ‘Someone did that to me a few years ago and it was humiliating. I would never, ever, sleep with a friend’s ex.’

Her view made sense when she explained her story. ‘Ben was my first serious boyfriend and we were inseparable. After six months, my friend Maggie returned from travelling and, a few weeks later, Ben dumped me. It was such a shock. Maggie comforted me but, a week later, I heard she was going out with him. I was devastated. Not only had I lost a boyfriend and a friend, I also felt everyone was laughing at me behind my back. It was one of the lowest periods of my life.’

The other problem, as far as Jane sees it, is that sleeping with a friend’s ex can affect your whole group of friends. This was certainly something that occurred to me. Did I really want to be known as a man-stealer? Would other friends avoid introducing me to their new men, just in case?

‘For a long time, no one felt comfortable inviting all three of us to a party, and that was awkward,’ says Jane. ‘Also, while I’ve since forgiven Maggie (and her relationship with Ben is long over), other friends still won’t talk to her. They just can’t forgive her.’

So, for Jane, the rules are simple – ignore any attraction you have, however strong. ‘There's more than one person out there for everyone and you should move on and find someone less controversial,’ she advises.

DANGEROUS LIAISONS
I think that’s pretty hardline, but hardly surprising given Jane’s experience. Surely it depends at least a little on how strongly you feel about the guy. Jane might say there are lots of men out there, but what if you genuinely feel he’s The One? If you really think you have a future with someone, it might be asking too much to give that up. As Gemma, 26, says, ‘If a lot of time has passed and there’s an undeniable connection, you have to go for it. Otherwise, you might miss out on the love of your life.’

Office manager Louise, 29, agrees. ‘If you think you might have a solid future, I don’t think it’s wrong. There is an exception, though – I’d never go out with my best friend Karen’s exes, even if my feelings were so strong I believed we’d eventually get married. With your best friend, you talk a lot about relationships and I know that, even though Karen split up with her last two boyfriends, she still has feelings for them. For me to go out with one of them would just be plain spiteful.’

If you do decide to go for it, it’s also worth considering how their old relationship might affect your new one. ‘The ghost of their relationship will always be there,’ Louise continues. ‘It’s very hard to build a good relationship on a foundation of guilt.’

Weigh up all these factors, though, and it could be that, on balance, it’s right to make a move. A few rules do, of course, apply. The hardest of them all – but the one that could save your friendship – is to wait until they’ve been apart for as long as they were together. Granted, this is seriously tough if they were together for five years, but with that much history between them, it’s worth waiting as long as you can.

Another rule is that, ideally, she should be the dumper, not dumpee. You don’t want your friend to feel humiliated and there’s less chance of that if she split up with him.

And finally, remember, you’ll probably never be quite as close to your friend again. So if he was with your best friend, however strongly you feel about him, think twice, as a true best friend is for life…

TOUGH COMPETITION
So what if you’ve decided ‘ex’ territory isn’t worth the pain – as I did – and you and your girlfriend are out on the pull and, heaven forbid, you fancy the same guy?

Take it from me, that’s even worse. I was out drinking with my close friend Bella, when we met a guy, Tom, who we both liked. I was single, while Bella had a boyfriend of two years. Heading home that night, I said, ‘Wow, Tom’s attractive.’ Bella’s eyes narrowed: ‘Hands off! He’s mine!’ I couldn’t believe it. It seemed so unfair – not least because she was attached – but I could also see she meant it, so I stepped aside. She began an affair, sharing all the steamy details, while I tried to hide my resentment. Then, a few months later, Tom told me I was the one he’d always fancied. I told him where to go (I certainly wasn’t interested by then), and I suppose it did help to even out the situation.

‘When I was younger,’ agrees Jane, ‘I’d always stand aside to avoid a fight. A friend who I went travelling with was a nightmare, though. Every single guy we met she’d claim to fancy. I’m not even sure she did – I think she’d just say it to make it awkward for me. When I did finally start going out with one guy, she sulked for months. She only cheered up when I went away for a night and she slept with him!’

‘Now I’m older,’ Jane continues, ‘I wouldn’t bow out. I’d leave it unspoken and see who ended up with him. I definitely wouldn’t get her permission. Even if a friend says yes, she’ll resent it if you succeed, and if she says no, you’ll resent her for holding you back.’

When it comes to sleeping with a friend’s ex, extreme caution is recommended. Weigh up the pros and cons, consider your friend’s feelings first and only pursue if he’s really worth it. But as for the guy you both fancy, all bets are off: just dust yourself down and prepare for the stampede!

]]> Thu, 15 Jul 2010 12:00 +0200 The Love Gurus http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/the-love-gurus-pg1
We spoke to Dr Ian Kerner, a New York-based sex and relationship counsellor and bestselling author of She Comes First (HarperCollins), Dr Linda Papadopoulos, COSMO UK’s resident psychologist and author of What Men Say, What Women Hear (Cornerstone) and The Man Manual (Cornerstone), Irma Kurtz, COSMO’s international agony aunt and author of About Time: Growing Old Disgracefully (John Murray Publishers), Dr Jackie Black, US-based relationship expert and author of Meeting Your Match: Cracking the Code to Successful Relationships (Authorhouse), Evan Marc Katz, US-based dating coach and author of Why He Disappeared (Vervante) and Dr. Nancy Kalish, US professor of psychology and author of Lost and Found Lovers (iUniverse.com).

Keep It Sexy ‘Have sex a minimum of once a week. When you’re in a relationship, it’s really easy to settle into a rut, and all too quickly that little rut can turn into a serious slump. That’s when a relationship becomes vulnerable to detachment, porn abuse, overly flirtatious friendships and infidelity. Having sex once a week keeps you tuned in and turned-on instead of tuned-out and turned off. But, it’s not just how often you do it that counts, but also what you’re doing that matters.

‘Sex is like food; you need to maintain a balanced diet. Just as there are basic food-groups to nourish your body, there are also some basic groups to keep your sex life nourished. There’s sex that reinforces intimacy (love-making: think good old-fashioned missionary position with lots of eye-contact), there’s sex that relieves stress (sex for the sake of sex: think quickie up against the wall), there’s sex that feeds the mind and proves the brain is really our biggest sex organ (think naughty fantasies) and there’s sex that stimulates the senses (sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell). With so many types of sex to be had, doing it once a week should give new meaning to hump-day.’

- Dr Ian Kerner
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Fall... Hard
Get Committed
Character Over Chemistry
Rekindled Romance

]]> Tue, 13 Jul 2010 12:00 +0200 Time For Your Close-Up http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/time-for-your-close-up-pg1 The Definitive Book Of Body Language (Bantam Books). Here’s how to decipher your Kodak moments...

Snap-Secret #1:
Pick the right photo		 When you and your man pose for a photo you project your ‘ideal selves’ – the couple you want to be. So the most revealing pictures are ones taken when you’re caught unawares. ‘Avoid drunken images. They’re not representative of how you both feel, as your body is out of sync with your emotions,’ says Pease.
Snap-Secret #2:
Are you copycats?
Snap-Secret #3:
Predictability = compatibility
Snap-Secret #4:
Look to the future

]]> Fri, 09 Jul 2010 12:00 +0200 Be More Romantic http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/be-more-romantic 1001 Ways To Be Romantic (Sourcebooks Casablanca), shares 55 simple (and sexy) tips.

1. Serve him dinner in bed. And then save time for ‘dessert’.
2. Celebrate the anniversary of when you first met; when you first kissed; when you first had sex.
3. Blindfold him and take him to a new restaurant.
4. Give him a custom coupon: ‘This coupon entitles you to have sex with me—anytime and anywhere!’
5. Trade one-word toasts every time you drink wine.
6. Buy a heart-shaped box of chocolate on Valentine’s Day. Save the box. Then, later in the year, wrap his birthday gift in the box.
7. Have an astrologer create a couple’s chart for you.
8. Greet him at the door wearing that special outfit... the one that will make his eyes pop out of his head.
9. Enjoy a romantic evening by the fireplace... in the middle of the summer.
10. While at dinner in a fancy restaurant, secretly hand him your panties under the table.
11. Surprise him at his office wearing a trench coat – and nothing else.
12. On his birthday, send a ‘Thank You’ card to his mother.
13. While he’s at work, have an envelope delivered with lingerie inside. (No note necessary).
14. If either of you are workaholics, schedule formal dates and little romantic events three months in advance. Diarise them.
15. Create a romantic bucket list. Dinner in Paris, a gondola ride in Venice, a Broadway play in New York City.
16. Create a custom romantic play list on your iPod. Choose enough songs to carry you through foreplay, sex and a nap.
17. Learn how to give two basic kinds of massage: relaxing and stimulating. Set-up his expectations ahead of time.
18. Replace all the light bulbs in your bedroom with candles.
19. Get organised. Buy gifts ahead of time. Hide them where he’ll never look, such as under the bed or with the cleaning supplies. Be ready for spontaneous gift giving!
20. Spend an entire weekend disconnected from the outside world. No phone, no SMSing, no gaming, no TV. Just the two of you.
21. Spend one week without being critical or judgmental of each other at all.
22. Have sex with him three times a day, every day, until he begs you to stop. You’ll learn that women usually have more stamina than men.
23. Write a list titled: ‘10 Reasons I Fell in Love With You’, ‘10 Reasons I Smile When I Think of You’ and ‘10 Reasons You’re My One and Only.’
24. Use a Scrabble board to write short love notes to him.
25. Play strip poker, sexy Scrabble or erotic bingo. Make up your own rules!
26. On Monday: Be coy.
27. On Tuesday: Be zany.
28. On Wednesday: Be sexy.
29. On Thursday: Be funny.
30. On Friday: Be romantic.
31. On Saturday: Be enchanting.
32. On Sunday: Be mysterious.
33. Buy a sleeping bag made for two.
34. When he’s travelling, hide a love note in his suitcase.
35. When you’re travelling, leave a pair of sexy panties under his pillow.
36. Write him a classic, sentimental, heartfelt love letter.
37. Write him a sexy, steamy, suggestive love letter.
38. Blindfold him and take him away for a secret romantic weekend.
39. Secretly arrange with his boss for a surprise day off work. Play all day!
40. If you want him to be more romantic, stop using the word ‘romance’ altogether. It carries too much emotional baggage. Instead, say, ‘Let’s have more fun.’
41. Practice forgiveness, learn forgiveness, foster understanding and encourage humour.
42. Slip a little love note into his wallet.
43. Be waiting for him in a steamy bath when he comes home from work.
44. The best romance acknowledges his uniqueness, is about the little things and is about the meaningful things.
45. Build intimacy by discussing: ‘What do you want to be remembered for?’, ‘What are your prized possessions?’, ‘What three adjectives best describe you?’, ‘If you were going to write a self-help book, what would its title be?’
46. Practice green romance: shower together by candlelight.
47. Begin every day with a kiss, and end every day with a kiss.
48. Make a trade with him: two quickies for one long, leisurely lovemaking session.
49. If you’re the quiet-type, talk more. If you’re a chatterbox, try listening more.
50. Learn what his definition of romance is. You’ll be surprised at what you discover.
51. When you’re out in public, whisper sexy suggestions in his ear.
52. While the two of you are out driving, kiss at every red robot.
53. Save all the slow dances for each other.
54. Recognise that he’s a good guy, but not a knight in shining armour.
55. Practice random acts of romance.

]]> Mon, 05 Jul 2010 12:00 +0200 Claim Your Man Back http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/claim-your-man-back-pg1
But what if your couple space starts to feel a bit crowded? We give you subtle anti-hijack techniques to claim your man back.

CLUB DEMOLITION Scenario: Your shared flat has become the ‘clubhouse’ for all his mates.

Anti-Hijack Technique: It’s not easy to see the appeal of having six screaming soccer fans invading your lounge. Why does he think it’s okay? ‘Women and men bond differently,’ says Cape Town life and couples coach Gail Sylvester. ‘Often men form groups, while women prefer more intimate friendship scenarios.’ Your best tactic is to take the issue up with him in private. Don’t lash out at his friends in irritation. This will only turn them against you, which in turn will make him angry too. Suggest that they come over less frequently and at mutually agreed times. Sylvester suggests you set aside separate days when each of you invites your own friends over – you can host your book club one week and he can arrange his poker night the next.
TIME TAKE-BACK
FIGHT CLUB
THIRD-WHEEL ATTACK


]]> Wed, 30 Jun 2010 12:00 +0200 Making It Work http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/making-it-work
‘It is, of course, easier when you share the same worldviews and values as your partner,’ says Johannesburg-based psychologist, Dr Janne Dannerup, but realistically, most women find the guys they’re attracted to have completely different beliefs and opinions than they do. Usually, accepting our partners’ differences is easy and can be dealt with in a conflict-free way, but it’s the big differences that need work.

CULTURE CLASH
In today’s global climate, the chances of meeting someone who speaks a different language is high, says Cape Town psychologist, Bhamini Rugnathji. ‘To make a relationship work when there is a language barrier, communication, understanding and the willingness to learn is key.’

‘I met Mani* in 2003 while I was studying and we became friends,’ says 25-year-old Thandi, from Johannesburg. ‘He was born in Kenya and his parents are Congolese. We began dating in 2005 and at first I used to feel isolated and irritable when he would speak with friends and family in French. He would have to translate what was being said to accommodate me.’

‘Language differences seem to be at their most difficult when a group of people all speak the same language except for you,’ says Rugnathji. However unintentional it may be, this situation could leave you feeling a little excluded. ‘Both partners need to be sensitive to each other’s situation.’ She suggests discussing it beforehand: talk about who will be able to translate for you and find out if his family and friends know you don’t speak their language. If they are made aware, they will more than likely accommodate you.

‘I decided to change my outlook and tried to learn French,’ says Thandi. ‘While that continues to be a work in progress, I have learnt to become inquisitive. What I keep telling myself is that I fell in love with his personality, loving nature and hot body first, despite our cultural differences. I love that he’s French-speaking, in fact, I find it extremely sexy. It’s taking him much longer to learn isiXhosa though, but I’m working on it…’

It’s important to find a common language, explains Rugnathji, one that both of you can communicate in. Learning a language needs to be mutual. You can’t expect your partner to only learn your language and he can’t expect you to learn his mother tongue exclusively either. ‘Make sure that both of you are realistic about learning each other’s languages,’ she says.

But sometimes cultural differences can sometimes be more difficult to manage than a simple language barrier, and may take extra work.

Jessica*, a 23-year-old English-speaking Capetonian, has been dating her Afrikaans boyfriend for nearly two years. ‘While I can understand Afrikaans, it can be really difficult being the only English person at family gatherings and friend’s parties. But it’s not about the language; there seems to be a deeper sense of understanding when he’s with his Afrikaans friends. He changes as a person, but not in a bad way. He just seems more comfortable when he’s surrounded by people of the same culture.’

‘The first step is to acknowledge the differences and complexities that are part of your culture,’ says Rugnathji. If his grandmother doesn’t like the idea of her Afrikaans grandson dating an English girl, this is something that needs to be spoken about. ‘Both partners need to be honest.’

WORSHIP WOES
‘I am a firm believer in God, and this belief seems to grow day by day,’ says 24-year-old, Stacy from Durban, who is engaged to Nick, 25. ‘The man I’m going to marry, however, thinks I’m literally loopy. He believes that there is “something”, but he won’t call it God and won’t put a religion to it. This really gets to me sometimes, as he’s so stubborn and won’t listen to my beliefs. But to me a relationship is all about sharing and not judging. He doesn’t judge me for my beliefs, and I certainly don’t judge him for his “lack of” beliefs. I can fight with him until I’m blue in the face about God and how he should believe in Him, but I don’t, I keep quiet and fight in a different way. I just hope he gets to feel what I feel. No matter what, I’m still going to marry this man. I fell in love with him for who he is, not for who I want him to be.’

You need to ask yourself how important your religious beliefs are, says Rugnathji. ‘Is it important to you that your partner is religious or has the same religion as you? Is it okay then for them to be spiritual and not religious? Would you be ok with the idea of your partner not taking part in your religious activities?’

‘Being in a relationship with someone from another faith is not uncompromising but it does take much more nurturing,’ says Quanita*, 27, who despite her Islamic beliefs is dating a Christian. ‘You need to learn to adapt to do things differently so that you firstly take your own religion into account and then respect your partners’ religion. In my experience, conflicting issues are created more by family, but as long as the relationship is built on honesty and trust, any issue can be discussed and resolved. It has been a real learning curve, which I will never trade for anything.’

‘Religious differences can be negotiated with communication, tolerance and respect,’ agrees Rugnathji. Don’t avoid having these conversations, she says. ‘If religion is important to you, you need to let your partner know. Communication can help you and your relationship grow.’

AGREE TO DISAGREE
Reach agreements on what you are willing to negotiate on and make sure you accept your partner for who he really is, instead of the idea you have about what he will be like one day when you’ve changed him, says Dannerup. That said, you also need to decide on the core things you aren’t willing to compromise on. ‘Be respectful of your partner’s right to be uniquely himself and try to reach compromises on the things that bother you before you end up bickering about it.’

Remember why you are together, and if you don’t know, find out as soon as possible, she says. ‘You need to know precisely why this person is the one you are with, otherwise you will stare yourself blind on the negative elements very soon.’

*Names have been changed

]]> Thu, 24 Jun 2010 12:00 +0200 Between Guys http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/between-guys-pg1
If your answer is c), you may be caught in a frustrating, but fairly common, phenomenon – amazing women who date men who can’t hold a candle to them (think Anne Hathaway). ‘[Some men] will drag you down and ultimately hold you back from happiness,’ says Debbie Magids, co-author of All the Good Ones Aren’t Taken (St Martin’s Griffin). Since habits are hard to break, here’s a plan to help you lose hopeless guys for good:

1. GO ON A DATING DIET Jumping from one boyfriend to the next with no time to yourself in between is a big reason women get stuck with men who aren’t good enough. ‘If you don’t have time alone, you can’t reflect on why the relationship didn’t work out,’ says relationship therapist Deborah Dunn, author of Stupid About Men (Howard Books). However, by swearing off guys for at least the first three months, you’ll gain perspective.
2. DEVELOP YOUR LOSER RADAR
3. BREAK OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE
4. HAVE A REALITY CHECK
5. UNLEASH YOUR INNER BITCH


]]> Fri, 18 Jun 2010 12:00 +0200 Are You Dating Your Dad? http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/are-you-dating-your-dad
Like it or not, psychologists agree that when it comes to romance, many of us are looking for – or have already settled down with – a guy just like our father.

It might sound a little weird at first but think about it. If you‘ve ever wondered why you’ve always gone for strapping blond six-footers with barrel chests you can nestle against, or simply guys who can make you laugh, chances are you’re being drawn to someone displaying one or more of your old man’s best qualities. And the figures certainly bear this out: more than four in 10 of us have admitted to being attracted to a man physically resembling our dad, and more than one third of us have gone for men with similar personalities.

But sometimes we might not even realise what we’re doing. In a recent study by the psychology department of the University of Durham, a group of 15- to 34-year-old women were asked to select what features they most liked from photos of 15 male faces. The daughters were also asked to rate their relationships with their fathers. Women who had happy childhood memories with ‘Daddy’ were more attracted to facial features similar to those of their dad.

So why is it that we're subconsciously attracted to men like our fathers? ‘If you’re growing up with a certain face in front of you and that face is attached to a person who treats you well, then you’ll associate those facial features with positive feelings and emotions,’ says Dr George Fieldman, senior psychology lecturer at Buckingham Chilterns University College.

And Susan Quilliam, a relationship psychologist, agrees. ‘The bond between a girl and her dad is hugely significant as it’s usually her first male/female relationship. If she feels safe, protected and nurtured by her father, then she’ll want that feeling with future partners. And if the relationship is controlling or hurtful, that’s what she’ll associate with men; despite wanting to ‘get it right this time’, many women who have negative memories of their father can easily end up in an destructive relationship later in life. The bottom line is that whatever a girl’s experience of her father, it will inevitably go on to shape her expectations when she begins to search for her own partner – whether she realises this or not.’

Bearing all that in mind, there’s clearly a strong likelihood that you’ll find yourself drawn to a man whose behaviour, values and lifestyle echo your father’s. But while it’s great to have an idea of the kind of man you want, you shouldn’t go casting aside potential dates just yet, because they don’t exactly match your daddy-dearest ideal.

As Quilliam explains, trying to match our vision of Mr Right too closely with a paternal model means we could be shooting ourselves in the foot. ‘It’s important to be flexible,’ she says. ‘Creating a list of “must-have” qualities means you instantly limit your options and run the risk of overlooking someone who could make you happy. Besides, the very same paternal characteristics that made you feel safe and secure in your relationship with your dad could make you feel trapped and irritated in your relationship with your man.’

Take our quiz to find out if your dream man is really like your dad...

]]> Thu, 17 Jun 2010 12:00 +0200 Vaginas-In-Law http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/vaginas-in-law
When I was single (yes, now I’m not) I always prided myself on not ‘going there’ with any of the guys who’d ‘been there’ with any of my acquaintances, colleagues or friends. But vodka and Diet Cokes do happen – and, sometimes, the very best of intentions fall by the wayside, along with your bra and pants. Cue: memory lane… I recall a very messy breakup, a subsequent trip overseas and then a homecoming where I couldn’t quite kick the ‘holiday mojo’, and ended up doing the McNasty with the McHottie who’d also done it with at least four of my girlfriends. McF*ck! Fortunately, I was discreet, so I never had to endure the indignity of being known to my fellow vags-in-law – but that’s not the case for quite a few of my friends.

‘One of my best friends and I have slept with the same guy,’ says my friend Janey*. ‘The problem was, he was really bad in bed – which came as a big surprise to both of us, as he’s a musical being (OK, he’s a DJ), so we expected him to have some rhythm. We still have a giggle about the sex occasionally, and don’t feel the least bit weird – we are such good friends it doesn’t even matter,’ she adds.

Hmm, perhaps there’s some solidarity in two women sleeping with the same man?

I put the question to a few more of my friends: ‘Yes, I have a vagina-in-law,’ says Prue. ‘I guess it’s my fault because I slept with him after she did, but she only shagged him once and then he became my boyfriend of more than a year. We never discussed it at first but, one night after we’d both had a few drinks, she started giving me intimate details of their night together: “Did he do this? He really loved it when I did this!” And, I was like, “Excuse me! This is not some random guy we are talking about, it’s MY BOYFRIEND!” But, of course, I just nodded and smiled. Then I left her and headed home for some much-needed reassurance, where my boyfriend told me that I was so much better in bed than she was.’

And, finally, this comment from my friend Cheyenne, whose husband is still good friends with the woman he lost his virginity to as a teenager: ‘He told me she has a massive bush.’ Right then, I think perhaps l should scrap that idea to form a Sisterhood of the Depantsed, don’t you?

*Names have been changed


]]> Mon, 14 Jun 2010 12:00 +0200 Blind Dates Don't Have To Suck http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/blind-dates-dont-have-to-suck Someone Right for You (McGraw-Hill). ‘In order to be successfully matched up on a blind date, you have to take steps that will ensure you’re only going out with people who actually have potential.’

BE CLEAR ABOUT YOUR SPECIFIC CRITERIA
‘You have to guide matchmakers when they’re trying to come up with someone you might like,’ says Dreyfus. And citing qualities such as cute, intelligent, and nice won’t cut it. You need to be as detailed as possible about what you’re looking for... and what you’re not. For example, if you love to jog and work out at the gym, don’t just say you want someone who’s athletic – it’s not specific enough. Or if you’re a dedicated liberal democrat, be adamant that you’re not at all open to meeting a conservative republican.

If you’re having a hard time nailing down the specifics, ‘reflect on the qualities you’ve loved in past boyfriends,’ suggests Dreyfus. ‘You can even think about your friends’ boyfriends’ admirable traits.’ And corny as it sounds, if you need help getting all of your thoughts organised, write it all down on a list for yourself.

Don’t worry about being too superficial either. While it’s unlikely you’ll find someone who meets all of your requirements, you do need someone who passes your must-haves. So if things like tall, successful and great dresser really matter to you, put them on your list. ‘It doesn’t make you shallow – it means you’re realistic about who will actually pique your interest,’ says dating agent David Wygant, author of Always Talk to Strangers (Perigee Trade).

PICK THE RIGHT MATCHMAKER
Blind dating is a numbers game. The more options you have, the better your chances of scoring a great guy are. So you have to put the word out that you’re available and looking. ‘A lot of women are afraid that if they ask to be introduced to single guys, they’ll come across as desperate, but it couldn’t be further from the truth,’ says dating coach Patti Feinstein. ‘By asking to be set up, you’re sending the message that you want to date smartly and see men who come recommended, not just settle for any random guy you happen to meet in a bar.’

Okay, here’s where it gets a little tricky. Yes, you want to network, but you still want to be picky about who’s fixing you up. Obviously, your core group of friends knows your situation so you’re not likely to meet someone new through them. The solution: Cast a wider net... though still be selective.

‘If your hairstylist comes across as really cool and you feel like you and your trainer are on the same page, ask them for dating help,’ suggests Wygant. ‘Not only are they people you feel a connection to, but they’re in professions where clients tend to get personal with them, so they get a sense of someone’s character and dating status.’ On the other hand, you probably don’t want to mention your quest to your soccer-mom dental hygienist. Her definition of a ‘great guy’ might not be in sync with yours.

Once you’ve narrowed down your potential matchmakers, you still have to suss out their setup skills. To do so, simply give them a test. ‘Find out the kind of guy they think you would be attracted to,’ says Dreyfus. Ask them to give you specific qualities that they think you’re looking for in a boyfriend. You’re not only checking out their taste in men, you’re also ascertaining how well they’ve read what you’ve told them. ‘If their criteria seem to be in line with yours, you can likely trust their judgment in who they’ll set you up with.’

GET THE DIRT ON THE DUDE
Once all the pieces are in place, potential suitors should start popping up. Just keep in mind that you’re not obligated to go out with every single, available prospect. So screen out any no-gos by posing a few questions about the guy to your matchmaker.

First off, is he actually looking to pursue a relationship or is he into playing the field? ‘You don’t want to waste your time with a man who just went through a breakup or is looking only for a fling, because it likely won’t go anywhere,’ warns Wygant.

Another way to get pertinent info on a guy without giving the matchmaker the third degree: Find out what he does on the weekends. ‘His downtime activities usually reveal a lot about a guy’s personality and lifestyle, which can help you determine if the two of you might actually hit it off,’ says Dreyfus. For example, a man who invites a group of friends over every Sunday night for dinner and The Sopranos screenings is clearly very social and into entertaining.

If you decide that a guy isn’t dateable, it’s okay to turn down the offer. Just do it delicately. Instead of saying ‘Nah, not for me,’ which may insult your matchmaker and put an end to any future setups, say something like ‘He sounds amazing, but I’m not sure I’m right for someone who just got out of a relationship/studies molecular biology/doesn’t exercise at all. But keep me in mind if you think of someone else who might be more my type.’ That way, it’ll be clear that you’re weighing potential compatibility and not just slamming the guy.

EXIT STRATEGIES
No girl should have to suffer through a heinous blind date. Use one of these options to give a bad date the slip.

The Fake-Out
If you know right away that he’s not for you, set the stage for your escape. Say you’re getting over the flu and may have to leave early. After half an hour, tell him you feel faint and need to split. Don’t forget to apologise profusely.

The Fight/Flight
One sure-fire way to cut the date short: become confrontational about something he says and aggressively debate him. Men hate fighting with women, especially on date one, so don’t be shocked if he yells, ‘Check, please!’

]]> Thu, 10 Jun 2010 12:00 +0200 Grow Up http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/grow-up Stacy Kaiser, psychotherapist and author of How To Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know (HarperOne) thinks it’s time for a refresher course in Relationship 101. Here, she advises how to bump up your relationship’s maturity levels.

DECISIONS, DECISIONS
So, how do you become a grown up in your relationship? Know yourself, know your partner and make thoughtful choices, advises Kaiser. It all comes down to treating your partner the same way you want your partner to treat you. ‘Be honest and respectful all the time,’ says Kaiser, and remember to place the happiness of the person you are with on the same level as your own. This can be difficult when you’re ready to throttle your man after a fight, but try not to scream or act out when you’re angry or hurt, says Kaiser. While you might want to express your rage or show him you’re offended by his actions, remain calm and helpful, she adds. You aren’t a hormonal teenager anymore.

And just like angst-ridden teenagers, be careful before you poke unnecessary blame at your partner during a fight. If there seems to be a problem, always look at yourself first, says Kaiser. Don't immediately point the finger at him, however tempting it might be. Ask yourself what you could have done differently and whether or not you could have behaved better or in a nicer way, she adds.

THE FOUR CS
According to Kaiser, there are four Cs you need to remember in order to keep any relationship afloat and ensure its success: consider, compromise, comfort and compliment. ‘The Four Cs make us think about what we want and what the person we are with wants,’ says Kaiser. ‘In so many relationships, we tend to either give too much, give too little or pick people who don’t give us enough.’ She suggests using the four Cs to make sure there’s a balance and pinpoint what (if anything) is missing. ‘Together, trust, respect, loyalty, teamwork, dedication and commitment will keep your relationship running smoothly.’

THE 2 PS
What can bring both of you down, explains Kaiser, is pride and power, because it tends to get in the way of relationships. ‘So many of us need to be right and win, and when that happens, the relationship loses.’ It’s human nature to want to win. That’s why fights often turn nasty or malicious. Both partners are either on the defensive or are out to win some sort of couple-battle. The only way pride and power will ever have a place in your relationship, is if they are being used to make the two of you better and stronger, says Kaiser.

‘Remember, if you are both putting in 100% effort, then your relationship has the best chance of succeeding.’

]]> Tue, 08 Jun 2010 12:00 +0200 Signs He's On The Rebound http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/signs-hes-on-the-rebound-pg1
He wants an instant girlfriend A guy who’s still pining for his last partner will often want to couple up – fast. Seems odd, but he’s driven to recreate the commitment level of the last relationship because he’s seeking comfort and wants to plug the hole she’s left in his life.
He’s a really good listener
He’s a little bitter


]]> Fri, 04 Jun 2010 12:00 +0200 Single vs Settled http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/single-vs-settled The Monogamy Myth (Newmarket Press), thought ‘It looked utterly ridiculous, until I realised how accurately it reflects our tendency to be dissatisfied with our own situation (whatever it happens to be) and to think another alternative looks better.’ This is nowhere more true, she concluded, than in the area of whether to be single or married.

People are forever trying to decide whether it’s better to be together or alone, involved or independent, committed or free. ‘We usually go through our lives doing a balancing act between trying to satisfy our need for commitment and our need for freedom,’ says Vaughan. ‘Whenever we get too far out of balance, we feel a need for whatever is missing.’

If you’re in a settled relationship, for example, you may like the feeling of belonging. ‘But at some point this belonging begins to feel restrictive and you feel a need for more control over your life,’ she says. If you’re single and free, you may like the excitement of being on your own, but at some point this starts to feel lonely and you crave togetherness. Enter another committed relationship, and you’re likely to start the cycle all over again. This pattern can become ‘a lifelong revolving door’ of settling down/breaking up, marriage/divorce, unless you get clear about the process taking place.

Both states involve trade-offs but you don’t have to give up everything positive about the alternative choice. Freedom and commitment don’t have to be mutually exclusive. ‘To find satisfaction with either being settled or single, you need to work at incorporating more of the benefits of both choices into one – to redefine what it means to be settled or single,’ says Durban life coach Cathy Yuill.

As Vaughan concludes, ‘By pursuing a relationship that is based on fairness, respect, honesty and trust, you can satisfy your needs for both independence and belonging – and avoid the endless search for greener pastures,’ says Vaughan.

BEING SINGLE
PROS CONS
• ‘You have the freedom to find yourself, develop yourself and be yourself, without compromise,’ says Johannesburg psychologist Tshidi Maseko. Want to do a course in colour therapy, learn Russian, take up paragliding or hole up for a while with the cat, pizza and M-Net movies? Nothing is holding you back. Fancy trying a new job, flat, city, country? You go, girl!
• You can learn to make your own happiness, instead of looking for it in someone else.
• You can become more complete, rounded and independent through all this – great qualities to take into a settled relationship in future. One of the best ways to find a happy, successful life partner is to be a happy, successful single person living the life you want. ‘You need to be a full person, able to comfortably live with yourself and take responsibility for your choices and actions, before you can inflict yourself on someone else,’ says Yuill.
• You have more control over your finances – if you’re happy to eat rice cakes and peanut butter the rest of the month so long as you can buy that Stoned Cherrie coat and those Prada boots, you don’t need to justify it to anyone.
• You don’t have to put up with irritating habits (and every guy has some). Snoring, blanket-hogging, burping out rugger songs, leaving shavings around the basin – they’re not your problem, at least not for more than a few fleeting nights.
• You can give more time to others – your girlfriends, your family, your community through volunteer work. ‘This can help grow you and give you support systems and mechanisms that will stand you in good stead in the future, whether or not you settle,’ says Maseko.
• You can go out and meet new people (including men!), learning who and what pleases you and gaining helpful insights into how to handle them.
• The sex can be exciting and varied.		 • You can feel lonely, especially in a culture that worships togetherness in everything from rock songs to movies.
• You may even see yourself as a failure and become depressed.
• You can feel on an emotional roller coaster, constantly riding the cycle that goes ‘he’s cute, does he think I’m cute, let’s date, will he break up/should I break up, could the next guy be cuter?’
• Dating can be a drag, as men and women often look for different things – women for someone to talk to and do fun things with; men for someone to have sex with (the other stuff comes later).
• You can feel you’re missing out on what you imagine couples have – constant companionship with a soul mate, the ‘enrichment’ of children and so on. But if you’re always concerned about what you don’t have, you’ll have similar (but different) fears when you’re married. As Dennis Prager, author of Happiness Is A Serious Problem (Regan Books), puts it, contentment is not the fulfilment of what you want but the realisation of what you already have.• Your friends and family can become obsessed with finding you someone, irritating you with their comments or well-meant attempts to ‘fix you up with this really great guy’.
• The sex can be awkward, even frightening – this is the Aids age.


GET SETTLED
PROS CONS
• You’ve made your choice, now you can enjoy him!
• You’re free from the flirting, dating, breaking-up cycle, and can relax emotionally (but not too much – ‘successful relationships take constant work,’ says Maseko).
• You can support each other – emotionally, financially and in many other ways, sharing your feelings, your skills, some of your earnings, and companionship, if you’ve chosen your partner wisely.
• You can make savings – two can live more economically than one, splitting rent, showers, chores and so on.
• Settling with someone gives you depth in a relationship, rather than simply variety. This can be enormously satisfying, showing you the value of mature values such as trust, faith and honesty.
• You can experience a closeness and intimacy that comes only with commitment.
• You can feel a sense of belonging, security, stability and continuity that is very reassuring – the future seems more certain.
• You can enjoy a sense of superiority (sh!) to your still unsettled friends!
• You can extend your circle of friends to his friends and family.
• The sex can be great – emotionally connected and safe.		 • Being in a settled relationship is not an insurance policy for fulfilment and happiness – it can magnify any existing problems and create new ones, unless you’re happy with yourself first, says Maseko. ‘A healthy relationship is about sharing yourself with your partner, not trying to get from them something you lack. Expecting them to fill your void can bring disappointment and resentment.’
• You can lose yourself, especially if you marry for the wrong reasons, which you’re more prone to do when young – falling for what David Hawkins, author of Love Lost (Revell), calls ‘attachment hunger’ or ‘the surge leading to the urge to merge’.
• You can feel you’re missing out on the kind of fun and freedom you see your single friends having, especially if you’re already ‘encumbered’ by children.
• You can feel trapped and bored, with the future mapped out ahead.
• You can resent being accountable to someone else, even if it’s just to phone and tell him you’ll be home late, and having to compromise.
• You can resent feeling obligated to do certain things, and play a certain role (half of a couple, dutiful companion and so on).
• You can hurt yourself by committing to the wrong man, and when you’re young he’s not always easy to spot.
• It’s far harder to walk away from a settled relationship than someone you simply date.
• You can feel cut off from your girlfriends and family, absorbed into coupledom or spending more time with his crowd.
• You can miss private time just for yourself.
• Sex is only safe as long as you’re both monogamous.

WHICH IS BEST FOR YOU?
Of course, there is no right or wrong answer. Everyone is different but in general; if you’re in any doubt, don’t settle down in your 20s. ‘This is a time when you’re trying to find your identity, to establish your brand,’ says Yuill. ‘With a few exceptions, women in their 20s will only be starting to move towards the stage of intimacy that you generally reach in your 30s and 40s.That’s when you feel comfortable with who you are and expect others to accept you that way.’

If you marry young, the sex may be great (you’re both in the best shape you’re ever likely to be in), and if it doesn’t pan out, there are still years ahead to live a full life or try again. But you probably have little life experience and maturity to bring to the relationship to make it stable and successful. And however suitable you think your match, you will inevitably question your choice when the going gets tough, which it will do.

‘In the final analysis,’ says Yuill, ‘you need to tune in to your sixth sense.’ Sit quietly and reflect: ‘Notice whether you feel uneasy about either settling down (when he may well be The One), or not settling down (do you feel you’ll be missing out?). Write down your feelings – you’ll be amazed at what comes out.’

Whatever you do, she says, before settling down with someone, ask yourself these five vital questions:
1. Can you be yourself with this person?
2. Is there space in this relationship for you to grow?
3. Are your differences complementary?
4. Is intimacy comfortable for both of you? (Can you be yourself with him, warts and all, or do you still need to wear a mask?)
5. What feels right for you – irrespective of outside influences?

]]> Tue, 01 Jun 2010 12:00 +0200 Ready For The Next Step? http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/ready-for-the-next-step-pg1
THE FIRST WEEKEND AWAY You want to go, as it's romantic and exciting. Yet this notion can scare him. Why? 'This first milestone shows new sides of your personality and says, "I really like you and want to get to know you better",' says Rebekah. To win him over, make it feel like a mutual decision. 'When you're both relaxed, mention that you'd love to visit a small town in the Northern Cape,' she suggests. Turn it into a chat about going away and it will seem like a joint decision.
If he's rushing you: Tell him a little white lie about hectic work commitments until you feel ready.
LEAVING YOUR STUFF AT HIS
MOVING IN TOGETHER
GETTING A JOINT ACCOUNT
GETTING MARRIED


]]> Thu, 27 May 2010 12:00 +0200 Dating Deal-Breakers http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/dating-deal-breakers-pg1
Unfortunately, the reality's not that simple. The truth is, even if he generally likes what he sees, YOU ARE ON PROBATION. Once a man has made up his mind that you're the woman for him, you'd be amazed what he'll put up with. But while there's still the option of an easy get-out, he's on heightened alert to make sure you're not a fully paid-up member of the mentalist club. While your PNM may be smiling, laughing and suavely refilling your wine glass, the reality is he's watching for telltale signs that scream 'Abort mission!' So before you embark on a fledgling relationship, be aware of the dating no-nos that send a man's ditch-o-meter into the red zone...

DAY 1 – FIRST DATE Body language can make or break a first date. Flirting with a guy by touching his forearm is great, but if you overdo it, it seems fake. Similarly, eye contact is essential but stare him out and he'll feel like he's being interrogated. As body-language expert Robert Phipps explains, the secret to first-date success is creating intimacy in a natural way. 'A man is looking for openness in body posture. He doesn't want to see barriers like crossed arms. When people are nervous, they cover their chest to "protect" their vital organs.'
DAY 2 – THE CALL
DAY 3 – DINNER
DAY 4 – WHAT NOT TO TALK ABOUT
DAY 5 – BACK TO YOURS
DAY 6 – SEX
DAY 7 – THE POST-SEX SMS
DAY 8 – STAYING OVER AT HIS
DAY 9 – THE FIRST ROW
DAY 10 – THE FINAL HURDLE


]]> Thu, 20 May 2010 12:00 +0200 Textual Audacity - The Confidence Jacket http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/textual-audacity-the-confidence-jacket
Ah, the Confidence Jacket – that invisible cloak of sexual bravado you sometimes slip on when you're protected by the detachment of text messaging or e-mail. It inspires you to say things that would never pass your lips in real life (especially if alcohol's involved). It's flirting, only racier. It screams of intention, but rarely delivers. It makes hooking up a breeze and infidelity a stroll in the park. It can be a dangerous item of clothing indeed.

Worn it? Chances are you have. Maybe it was when that guy you hooked up with last weekend suggested meeting up again. Or maybe you pop it on when you flirt with that guy from work, even though you know you shouldn't because you have a boyfriend, or he's got a girlfriend, or he's your boss, or he's 63. It's very rare to be this brazen in person. Anyone can talk up a sexy meeting to a new guy, but when you're face to face, a first date is still a first date. And unless you're four wines down, you probably won't be able to back up all that textual, sexual audacity in the flesh.

In theory, the Confidence Jacket will only be viewed by an audience of one: the recipient of your SMSes or e-mails. (You can't even show your closest friends the intricate embroidery on this jacket, because seeing a friend's dirty talk is on par with hearing your mom and dad having sex.) But don't assume he'll play by your rules – he could be forwarding your fiery e-mails to his friends. So keep that in mind when you slide sultry envelopes into his inbox.

An important Confidence Jacket tip: Any e-mail sent to or from a work account is a public document. If you wouldn't want your boss to read it, don't send it. A friend recently learnt another hidden hazard of slipping on her Confidence Jacket and disregarding the care instructions. She crafted the following SMS in response to a boy asking about a follow-up to their saucy date: 'Maybe. Depends if you've figured out how to take a bra off without scratching a girl yet. There's a time and a place for scratch marks, you know...'

Only she sent it to her dad, whose name sits just beneath the boy's name in her contacts. Dad was horrified. My friend's Confidence Jacket had been traded in for the much less-fun Mortification Poncho.

Bottom line? Enjoy, but take special care with, your Confidence Jacket. If you wouldn't suggest giving oral sex to his face, it's probably better left unsaid. These things have a habit of coming back to bite you on your freaky little ass.

]]> Mon, 17 May 2010 12:00 +0200 Are You Dating-Ready Again? http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/are-you-dating-ready-pg1
If you instantly ricochet into a rebound fling, you're simply transferring all your vulnerability onto the new man and relying on him to lift your confidence: a recipe for self-destruction? Here are the signs that show you're not quite ready to re-enter the dating game – and those that say you are.

STAY-SINGLE SIGN #1 You're gutted when a random hook-up doesn't call...

He wasn't exactly George Clooney but you watch your cellphone like a hawk and get upset when he doesn't call. 'This guy isn't the real reason you're upset; he's just triggered those post break-up insecurities again and re-opened the wound. You're projecting your disappointment in your ex onto him.' You don't have to become a nun, but take his number so you're in control.
STAY-SINGLE SIGN #2
STAY-SINGLE SIGN #3
 
GET-OUT-THERE GIVEAWAY #1
GET-OUT-THERE GIVEAWAY #2
GET-OUT-THERE GIVEAWAY #3


]]> Thu, 13 May 2010 12:00 +0200 Dating An Older Man http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/dating-an-older-man
The belief that younger women date older men for what's in their wallets is outdated. For some time now women have been independent, looking after themselves, and don't need men to buy them an expensive coat, a trip overseas or a new pair of shoes. A COSMO girl is perfectly capable of treating herself without the help of any man, young or old. So why are younger women turning to older men instead of dating guys their own age?

THE FATHER FIGURE
It is often believed a woman is with an older man due to some sort of inherent daddy issue, says Johannesburg-based psychologist, Dr Tanya Robinson, who believes dating an older man actually comes down to stability and personal choice as opposed to a search for a father figure. Some women are just physically more attracted to older men, she says. Not only might they be more mature and settled, they are most likely over their personal hang-ups, she adds.

While Durban psychologist Lynne Campbell-Gillies agrees that an older man might provide stability and live up to the image of provider or protector, she also believes a young woman who has not fully individuated from her family, may seek the security of an older man who can continue the role of her father. 'In general, an older man embodies a sense of wider experience, status and financial stability and is possibly perceived to be more reliable than many younger men your own age,' she says.

However, Cape Town-based life coach Shelley Lewin thinks age is but a number. While an older man represents security, stability, financial success, maturity and safety, this can be an illusion, she says. 'Chronological age doesn't determine these aspects; an individual's character, integrity and ambition do.'

REALISTIC ISSUES
'The age gap can be frustrating sometimes,' says Blatter. 'My boyfriend might be over the partying scene, but I'm not. Who knows? Maybe I'll grow out of it and he will want to party more. People want things at different stages.'

While an older man can and often does provide a younger woman with stability and status, which can prove to be a very successful relationship for both parties, things often change, says Campbell-Gillies. During the course of the relationship, she says, a younger woman in the prime of her life may find herself feeling restricted by an older man. 'Most relationships experience strains and stresses of daily living, but these are likely to be exacerbated when it is underpinned by a large age difference,' she explains.

Lewin agrees, but believes the problem has more to do with life stages than age. 'As we get older, the age gap lessens. A 20-something might not be ready to settle down and have a family, as you're most likely focused on studying, travelling, partying or starting your career.' A 30-something, on the other hand, has been there and done that and is possibly looking to grow roots and start a family, she says.

STUCK IN A RUT?
When two people have completely different requirements, irresolvable problems can arise, says Lewin. 'Both partners need to compromise.'

'As with every relationship, no matter the age difference, both of you need to be ready to put in the work to sustain and nurture it, says Campbell-Gillies. 'Each of you will be bringing your own baggage into the relationship, so ensure you communicate honestly and openly and validate each other on daily basis.'

Ask yourself why you are dating an older man and what it is you find appealing about him, advises Campbell-Gillies. 'Ask yourself the brutally honest question: "Am I in a needy place where this makes the most practical sense or is this true love?",' she suggests. 'Either way, lessons will be learned.'

'Sometimes I think the cons outweigh the pros,' says Blatter, 'but it really depends on how much you love a person. If you have a strong bond, it's worth sticking out the rollercoaster rides.'

*Names have been changed.

]]> Tue, 11 May 2010 12:00 +0200 Let Him Man Up http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/let-him-man-up Grey's Anatomy star cut to the chase and called him first after they were introduced on the set of his music video. 'From the moment I met him, I said, "This is what I want and what I need",' she has said. Katherine – who married Josh in 2007 – was also the one who first broached the subject of getting hitched. But she's far from the only woman in Hollywood to sit comfortably in the driver's seat of her relationship. Megastar Madonna is the one who usually calls the shots in her failed and current relationships, and Victoria Beckham admits she convinces her husband, David, to like things she likes.

On one level, frankly stating what you think in a relationship is a positive thing – it helps ensure that your emotional needs are met (or at the very least, that they are heard). However, there are times when being overly verbal or demanding with your man can backfire.

'Some women may feel that if they pre-emptively assume responsibility for making social plans or offer career advice to a guy who's flailing, they'll intercept potential relationship problems before they happen,' says Anne-Renée Testa, PhD, author of The Bully in Your Relationship (McGraw-Hill Education). 'But it doesn't take long for a man to feel emasculated and start pushing back.'

So how do you find a happy medium when it comes to relationship power? Instead of always rushing to grab the reins, step back once in a while and allow yourself to be cared for.

'Every guy likes to feel needed and appreciated,' says relationship coach and psychologist Wendy Lyon, PhD. And many women – even strong, capable ones – find it irresistibly sexy when a man sometimes takes control of a situation... as long as he doesn't do it in a condescending manner. Another way to achieve love equilibrium: Tap in to your nurturing side when your guy is sick or help make him feel comfortable when he's not on his own turf. For instance, rope him in to a conversation you're having with colleagues at a work party or pay him a compliment out loud when you sense he needs a boost among a certain circle of friends.

Ultimately, you'll feel the most powerful when you and your guy are really connected and functioning as a cohesive team. And you might soon realise that showing vulnerability from time to time is a nice vacation from constantly having to be out in front.

]]> Thu, 06 May 2010 12:00 +0200 Boyfriend Time Out http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/boyfriend-time-out
We all know girls who float effortlessly from man to man in a symphony of 'This is The One'. For them, finding love – and keeping it – appears to be as easy as breathing, but for the rest of us things are a little trickier. Sometimes the gap between guys can feel like the longest, loneliest period of our lives – a veritable romance ghost town where a couple of tumbleweeds and a tangle of cobwebs growing on our favourite clubbing shoes are all we have for company.

'Stuff that!' says Nikiwa, a 28-year-old art director at an advertising agency. 'My biggest fear as a single girl was that I'd never find anyone after my last boyfriend Matt* and I called it a day. I was suddenly insecure and depressed all the time – and pretty unpleasant to be around. And then came those damn pep talks that everyone thinks are helpful – "There are lots of fish in the sea"; "Every pot has a lid"; "Someone else will come along" – but the trite advice just made me madder and sadder.

'The turning point came when I went to a friend's house-warming. I was about three months into my wallow. I wasn't prepared to see Matt there at all, let alone Matt there with his girlfriend. He certainly hadn't wasted any time finding someone else. That's when the real me came back – I was so angry with myself because I'd wasted so much time being miserable. If he could move on, so could I. That's when Operation Find the Gap was born.'

DITCH THE PYJAMAS
'Just because one chapter of your love life has ended doesn't mean you have to put the rest of your life into a holding pattern,' says Hanlie Raath, a relationship expert and author of The New Paradise (www.amazon.com). 'I've counselled so many gorgeous, strong, single girls who have literally opted out of life after a break-up. They seem to subscribe to the mindset that you can only really get full enjoyment out of life if you are with someone. But that "one day when" mentality is very limiting. Mr Right doesn't really exist – but Mr Right Now does. And how are you going to find him if you never get out of your pyjamas and leave the house?'

Treat your time between men in the same way you'd spend a year between university or work when you go travelling overseas. Make the absolute most of it. 'During a gap year, students travel, meet new people and have as much fun as they possibly can before coming back home and taking on the responsibilities of life,' Raath says. 'And love is no different. A gap between flings is actually vital for a girl to get back in touch with the person she really is and to nurture herself back to feeling fantastic.'

Amanda Ferguson, a psychologist and relationships counsellor, agrees. 'Without a gap we can't learn, and that's when we end up repeating patterns – making the same mistakes and not moving forward. It's only in the gap phase that we become truly ready for the next guy or relationship.'

YOU COME FIRST
Before you embark on a relationship, you have to be 100% OK with the person you are, Ferguson says. Like attracts like, so if you're not happy within yourself, and are waiting for someone to come along and make everything perfect, you will attract someone in that same headspace. Because whatever state we're in is the state we'll attract in a potential partner. So how do we attract the right guy? 'Get to know who you are, and what you want,' Ferguson says. 'In relationships, two halves don't make a whole. Be honest and true to yourself, because that's what will make you happy, and able to find the right partner.'

Work out what you enjoy and pursue it. Spend time investing in yourself and your interests. Allow yourself to enjoy being you and you'll become more confident and at ease.

LIVE IN THE MOMENT
If you're already in possession of a top-notch self-esteem, how do you live more in the now? According to Julie Clark Robinson, author of Live in the Moment (Beyond Words Publishing), you simply need to lighten up. 'Living for the future is a colossal waste of what today can hold for you,' she says. 'It's destructive and ultimately ends up short-changing us. I've learnt to live in the moment by asking myself, for example, "Ten years from now, will I be happy that I did some laundry instead of accepting the invitation for a spontaneous day at the beach?" Make your life full of joy by putting yourself first. And believe me, the single years are the only time in your life when you can do that. The days I wallowed in loneliness I now see as ones when I got to lounge around, take all day to read the Sunday paper and meet friends for coffee.'

So don't wait for hindsight to show you how good things could have been during your time alone – look for the good stuff now. 'Next time you get that gnawing feeling that you may never find someone to love, snuff it out. Challenge yourself by asking what you can do to make sure that today is a good one. Then do it – day after day, month after month, year after year if need be. One day you'll be thrilled you made the most of your time,' Robinson says.

FORGET ABOUT MEN
When you go out and you're consciously 'on the hunt', you're not being yourself and you won't radiate that confidence and spontaneity that is so attractive. So let loose and forget about guys. 'Men in particular are turned off by neediness,' says Ferguson. 'So when you're single, really be you. This allows men to see what is really there.'

A woman waiting for love is utterly inflexible, Raath says. 'By focusing too much on one goal, you're limiting your choices. What you should be asking yourself is, "What experiences can l get out of tonight?" Vivacious girls stop concentrating on the outcome and have as much fun in the moment as they can.'

Use your gap time well: get out there, try new things (didn't you always want to take up guitar?) and visit new places (don't just stick to the bar your ex liked; grab some friends and find somewhere new). Besides, love usually turns up when you're busy doing other things, like loving who you are and having too much fun to notice who else is in the room.

*Name has been changed

]]> Wed, 28 Apr 2010 12:00 +0200 Give Your Love a Check-Up http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/give-your-love-a-check-up-pg1 Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (American Psychological Association). 'For that reason, you need to evaluate them periodically.'

To help, we've come up with six questions to illustrate key components of a healthy match. See which ones ring true for you and your partner.

IS HE ABLE TO BRING OUT THE VERY BEST IN YOU?
People in a healthy relationship help each other to shine. 'You should like who you are when you're with this person… who you are reflected in their eyes,' says Janice Wickerson, a relationship counsellor. 'I'm not exactly a risk-taker,' confesses Jenna, 29. 'I guess because I'm afraid of failing. But my current boyfriend always pushes me to challenge myself. If it weren't for him, I never would have asked for a promotion. I love that he's willing to endure my anger to help make me a better person.'

'You do need to support your partner's success,' Wickerson explains, 'but good couples can also manage the balance between competing career and life aspirations. That way, you both have plenty of room for all your dreams and ambitions.'

CAN YOU GET OUT OF A SEX RUT?
The early days of marathon sex often give way to more sporadic occurrences. 'No couple can maintain the kind of wild, non-stop sex they experience in the beginning,' Wickerson says. 'But being able to weather the lulls and reignite the spark indicates a solid partnership.'

That's what Meg, 30, found out. 'When Thomas and I started dating, we couldn't get enough of each other,' she says. 'But after about eight months, the initial sizzle started to wane. When Thomas said he missed those heated early days, I felt hurt. I realised I missed it too. I decided to try new things and talk about what I wanted in bed.'

DO YOU LET IT ALL 'HANG OUT'?
When you start dating, you're in best-behaviour mode. But once you've been together a while, the act-cool routine is hard (and unnecessary) to keep up. 'A hallmark of a healthy relationship is when partners accept each other warts and all,' Firestone says. 'It strengthens your bond, because you're making yourself vulnerable, which requires trust,' she adds.

DO YOU STILL DO YOUR OWN THING?
There's a lot to be said for togetherness, but retiring from public life altogether could be fatal. 'A lot of couples think their relationship is flawed if they want to spend time apart,' Firestone says. 'But it's important to allow time for yourself.'

Spending every minute together could mean your hobbies take a back seat. 'Having separate experiences allows you to grow as a couple,' Firestone says. 'Not feeling threatened when your partner goes out without you makes for a secure bond.'

DO YOU STILL HAVE A LAUGH WITH HIM?
For your boyfriend to make you laugh, he has to really get you… and your sense of humour. We're not saying you have to date a comedian, but if you really get on well, the most mundane things become fun as long as you're together. Case in point: 'I used to dread grocery shopping,' says Sara, 27. 'Then one night I dragged my boyfriend with me. Evan started sneaking junk food into the trolley, doing wheelies down the aisle, singing along to the elevator tunes… he was acting like a five-year-old, and I loved it!'

ARE YOU HONEST WITH EACH OTHER?
You've heard it a thousand times: communication is the key to a great relationship. But it's what you actually communicate about that separates an OK bond from a rock-solid one. 'Couples need to be able to say what's on their minds without having to fear negative repercussions,' says Wickerson. Healthy couples don't censor themselves when it comes to touchy topics.

'When my boyfriend quit his lucrative day job to start his own business, I had my doubts,' says Julie*, 30. 'A year later, when he was badly in debt, he just moped around and wanted me to baby him. But I was sick of coddling him, so I just said he should cut his losses and find a normal day job. It was tough for him to hear. But ultimately, it proved to be the wake-up call he needed.'

Obviously, you don't want to be a bitch. 'If you have a complaint, give him constructive criticism instead of condemning him,' Wickerson says. There's no point in making him feel worse.

FIND THE REAL HIM
To scratch beneath your partner's exterior, ask yourself these questions (they may seem subtle, but they'll reveal stacks about him).

Does he have fond memories of his parents? If he didn't feel adored as a kid, he may find it hard to form emotional attachments now. But if he felt loved, he's likely to give his heart freely.
Does he refuse to work at a job he hates?
Can he laugh at himself?
Is he tight with his old friends?
How does he feel about his exes?



]]> Thu, 22 Apr 2010 12:00 +0200 Thrill-Seeking Studs http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Relationships/LovenRelationships/thrill-seeking-studs Pirates of the Caribbean that elevated him from odd-ball actor to leading man of the moment? It certainly was