Cosmopolitan.com http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za Cosmopolitan.com http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za/images/cosmo_logo_toolbox.gif Money en-us catherined at cosmopolitan dot co dot za Copyright 2009 What Guys REALLY Want For Valentine's Day - As Told By Real Guys http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/what-guys-really-want-for-valentines-day-as-told-by-real-guys
But we took the liberty of cutting down this horrid process and just asking guys themselves what they REALLY want for Valentine's Day. Are you up for it? Find out what they had to say.

"Lot’s of sports. A date at a sports bar would be great"  
- Mark 





"Booze would be romantic. No flowers please" 

- Vusiwe 





"My girlfriend in whipped cream served with a glass of bubbly. Low fat whipped cream please. Men of today care about their health

- Thabo 





"For whomever I am with to be draped in lingerie that’s easy to rip."

- Jason 





"Invest some time into reading the karma sutra so that I don’t have to day dream about someone else while we are busy" 

- Tare 





"A woman who doesn’t believe in Valentine's Day" 

- Shepard 





"To at least wait a week to let me know how disappointed you are with the gift I got you. I tried, and no, it wasn't the first one I saw" 

 - Derek 





"I would like a girl to act like Valentine's Day is not just about her. St Valentine's did not die for this." 

- Steven 





"To sleep all day. Why isn't Valentine's day a public holiday yet?" 

- Sakhile 





"I would like a date on the moon. Till then let's just cancel Valentine's Day"

- Ben 





"A burger, some fries and the new Beyonce CD. Guys love Beyonce too"

- Scott 





"To not feel like we have to go to an expensive restaurant each time. Why is a picnic on my living room floor not enough?"

- Walter 





"A reenactment of Beyonce's Dance For You video, in black undies"
 
- Lloyd 





"For a girl to text naughty messages to me all day. Pretty much get me going for what's to come when we meet up"

- Francis





 "No pressure." 

- Geoff





                              
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Tue, 11 Feb 2014 12:00 +0200
Lasting Impressions http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/lasting-impressions Dressed To Impress
A friend of mine invited me to join her at a bar near her place in Rondebosch, Cape Town. Keen for a good night out, I agreed and got ready to meet her. I slapped on some makeup – dark red lipstick (I was feeling fancy), slipped into my favourite floral dress and got into my fiercest heels. Normally this would all be well and good but as soon as I stepped into the place, my levels of fancy dropped significantly. This was not a high-heel-red-lipstick type of place. This was awkward. I felt like a ‘mainstream’ weirdo in a sea of hipsters. Luckily for me, there was a guy in the bar having a very similar experience. Because of how I was dressed, he told me that I had stood out to him. We started chatting and found that, other than our feelings of being out-of-depth there, we had lots of other things in common too. I gave him my number and from then on we went on many more dates together. We still avoid going back to that bar.
Lucy*, 25

Gushing Over
I went into an interview knowing that the person interviewing me was a very well known figure in the publishing industry. I had always been a fan of her work and so the opportunity to finally meet her was both nerve-wracking and exciting for me – very exciting. Arriving at the venue, I tried very hard to keep my nerves and over-excitement at bay. I sat and waited in the reception area, very careful not to do too much fidgeting. We met, shook hands and went into the interview room. I was doing well so far, a picture of poise. I answered questions and asked some of my own when the need came. Then the interview was over. And I was suddenly very worried I hadn’t said enough and in a wave of panic, started spilling about how much I adored her work and how she was an ‘inspiration to me’. It was quite the scene. And when I finally stopped long enough to take a breath, I realized how embarrassing I’d been. I thought it couldn’t get worse and was very ready to show myself out. But to my delight, my then future employer, bless her, took the gushing speech graciously. She thanked me for my time and I was off. A week later, I found out I got the job! I like to think she forgot about the latter half of the interview.
Carrie*, 27

Meet The Parents
The first time I met my ex-boyfriend’s parents I was really nervous. The plan was to meet them at their favourite golf course then have some lunch. Eager to impress, I had on my Sunday best, complete with my best high heels. Of course, these weren’t the best shoe choice to wear on a golf course as I soon realized. My then boyfriend’s dad, who had been giving me a hard time all day, finally made a remark about the shoes. Because I was tired and slightly grumpy from the day, instead of letting it go, I gave him a cheeky response to his remark. From then on, his dad seemed to appreciate my ballsy attitude and we’ve gotten along ever since. Even though I’ve since broken up with the boyfriend, we’re still good friends and I still see his parents sometimes.
Nina, 23



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Thu, 10 Oct 2013 12:00 +0200
Good Sex Gone Bad http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/good-sex-gone-bad
BURNING DESIRE
‘My man and I had been getting a little frisky on the couch and decided we’d simply roll off to do it doggy style on the carpet – hard, nasty and fast before my flatmates walked in. It was so exciting at the time, but I regretted it in the morning when I discovered huge, weeping carpet burns all over my knees and shins. I couldn’t wear a skirt for a week!’
Linda*, 26, reporter


DOGGY STYLE
‘I know it’s a big cliché but id always wanted to have sex on the beach. So, while on holiday in Cape St Francis, I woke my boyfriend at the crack of dawn and dragged him off to the dunes… Imagine our horror, mid-action, when suddenly three Labradors started sniffing our bits while an embarrassed old couple struggled to pull them off us!’
Tamsin*, 25, accountant

FLAMES OF PASSION
‘An ex once tried to “create a mood” by lighting loads of candles at the foot of his bed. Thing is, we weren.t really used to that kind of stuff… next thing the end of the duvet had caught on fire! Thankfully we managed to stomp it out but I still have a burn mark on my thigh. However, I’ll always see it as a reminder of a “flamin’-hot” sex session!’
Kandis*, 27, marketing manager

*NAME HAS BEEN CHANGED

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Tue, 07 Jan 2014 12:00 +0200
Moves For Gold http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/moves-for-gold The Thought That Counts
I’m a huge Bob Marley fan and once my girlfriend got me one of my favourite albums of hers on vinyl. I loved the gift because I knew it took a lot of effort and thought from her to find that very specific vinyl and give it to me as a gift. I was really touched and still think it’s one of the nicest things I’ve ever had done for me.
Drake, 22

Change Of Routine
When you’ve been a relationship for a while it’s very easy to get into a comfortable pattern. This pattern, although comfortable, can quickly become monotonous. My girl and I had been together for about a year and were in danger of getting into this monotonous pattern. Instead of letting it happen, we both agreed to make more effort into being a bit more spontaneous. I thought it was hot that she took charge and told it to me straight. She didn’t just take it upon herself or, worse, sulk about it and hope I figured out what was wrong. She called me out and in turn, made me pay some more attention.
Chuma*, 26

Morning Glory
I love waking up to some morning action. The chances of being turned down by a guy in the morning are very low. It’s always nice to wake up to someone who has the same idea as you.
Xola*, 27

Chill Out
I like a girl who isn’t afraid to let loose in bed. So many girls have worry about so many things during sex. They really shouldn’t. If a guy already has you in bed, chances are he’s not going to turn you away because you think your stomach is too big or whatever. Chances are, we’d like it very much if you stayed around and didn’t leave until <after> an enjoyable time together.
Andrew, 26



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Fri, 04 Oct 2013 12:00 +0200
Quickie Confessions http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/quickie-confessions- Chill Seeker

‘I used to be a barman at a restaurant where my girlfriend was a waitress. One evening, before the restaurant opened, I was in the walk-in-fridge, stocktaking. My girlfriend walked in, shut the door, pulled down her pants and demanded we have sex right there and then! It was such a turn-on seeing her all fired up that I couldn’t stop myself from bending her over a beer crate. The best bit was trying not to laugh or give anything away when another barman knocked on the door halfway through. He wanted to know whether I was ‘done yet’ and felt like going for a smoke!’

Exhibit O

‘Many years ago, my ex and I had spent a day at the Port Elizabeth Museum. We’d watched the dolphin show and enjoyed a drunken lunch and suddenly, out of nowhere, we just had to have sex! We stumbled around looking for a place, until we found a model-submarine-type thing that people can climb into, pull a lever and watch a movie that creates the impression of being submerged in the sea. It looked like a tiny metal bubble with a cat flap. We crawled in and had the wildest, most passionate quickie! I’ve since pointed it out to the odd friend and told them my little secret but when they see the size of this thing hardly anyone believes me!

Bruise Cruise

‘I was working in Survey Quays in London and my girlfriend had flown in from South Africa to visit me. We were dying for a shag but I was living in overcrowded digs. When we got home, we hopped into my boat for a quick cruise of the canals. The moment we got away from the “traffic”, we went at it like crazed rabbits, so much so that when her foot broke through a rotten floorboard we just kept going! I still don’t know which of her moans were from pleasure and which were from pain… She got a septic toe from all the splinters but maintains it was worth it!



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Fri, 13 Sep 2013 12:00 +0200
What It Feels Like For A Guy http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/what-it-feels-like-for-a-guy What it feels like to... have sex for the first time
This has got to be the single most anxiety-provoking act on the planet. By the time we feel your body close to ours we’re also outrageously excited we could get an orgasm without you even stimulating us. It’s that easy; we’re that excitable. Premature ejaculation sneaks up on the best of us so before we get a chance to show some of our best moves we’re a sticky mess. To avoid this condition we train ourselves in the ancient ways of self-calming – we invent distracting images in our minds. The ‘dead puppies’ scenario, in which a man, who is about to pop a cork prematurely, conjures pictures of a bunch of deceased puppies, is a well-trammelled route. The macabre image is enough to keep any man’s orgasm at bay. Personally I think of more mundane things, such as falling off a bicycle. Sex for the first time is an attempt to delay and calm, delay and calm. Our first time also feels a little clumsy since we battle to get the angles right. Let’s be honest: we don’t fit like a glove first time. It’s a bit like playing sport against someone who is much better than you. You’re constantly wrong-footed, bumping noses, clashing teeth, kissing ears instead of lips, and, of course, there are the awkward knee moments. (Where, pray-tell, am I meant to put my knees when my erection is huge and I cannot assume to lie between your legs?) And the, in the moment of penetration, sometimes we battle to find the entry point. In short, first time I’m a clumsy mess who is about to ejaculate all over your perfect body. Can you sense my anxiety?
Tip: Give us direction. Guide us.

…To Be Lonely
All men carry an unsettling burden of loneliness. With women you can pretty much bank on the fact they will be team players; they communicate with great efficiency, seek companionship, build trusting friendships. For men it’s different. We are always caught between the rugged individualism that is our wiring and the happy team player, the stud versus the joiner. We like to chart our own course and yet we belong for soul buddies. Without close friendships we feel vulnerable and isolated and yet we’re crap at maintaining them. Our vulnerabilities strike when we sit alone, after the beer has swilled and the banter has died, and we wonder what we can do to make the emptiness go. Then you come along – finally, someone who will listen and won’t judge. Your companionship is a huge relief.
One tip: We don’t bond easily, so when we do bond, you have to let that relationship be.

…To Go On A First Date
Two initial things here: what should I wear and are my best underpants clean? By now we know appearance is crucial so we will be scrubbed and preened for that first date. So will our bedroom. We will rehearse particular lines, smiles and stories as though for a job interview. There is great excitement in the chase – we love to hunt – but the feeling that a date might expose us as fraudsters also haunts us. Without the foil of our friends, we fear our weaknesses will be laid bare and our conversations in which we begin to monologue to fill space, believing that at some point things will get better and suddenly click. A date is a means to an end, a necessary evil that requires great effort.
Tip: Don’t wear a top with a plunging neckline or we’ll spend the night trying to avert our eyes from your cleavage.

…To Have A Pregnancy Scare
Few men ever think they are ready to have children. Same goes for getting married. As kids we don’t chat about what we’ll wear and what our bride will be like and how many kids we’ll have. boys would rather spy on people or kick a ball around or eat too much. We’re more into short-term gratification than family planning. A pregnancy scare throws your world on its head. It simply is not part of our frame of reference. There is something so permanent and committed about a pregnancy that it makes us want to run a mile. We have to decide, then and there, whether are going to be a part of this or not. We see a life in nappies and bankruptcy. What makes it worse is that the whole thing is completely beyond our control – we are not the ones potentially carrying the baby and so the choice is out of our hands. Very twitchy, boys.
Tip: When you tell us your period is two weeks late we will not respond well if you hold the power in the contraceptive department. Get us to be part of the planning.

…To Lose An Erection
The first time this happened to me I had fallen asleep on the job. The main sensation was disappointment. Did this signal that I was no longer attracted to the woman I was shagging? She thought so. Sometimes nothing can get in the way of a man in need of sleep. The other time was embarrassing because we were both wide-awake, drunk and horny as hell. I was limp. She laughed a frustrated, coy laugh and then tried repeatedly to arouse me. The more she tried, the worse it got. All I could do was sit there, my confidence blown, and make light of my alcohol tendencies. That was excruciating and made me worry about the next time. Three hours later, it all returned.
Tip: never laugh when we can’t get it up.

…To Fall In Love
There’s a difference between enjoying you and your body, and actually falling in love. We battle to tell them apart. So, when we really fall in love, we fall hard and if you dump us we will become miserable, late-night SMS stalkers. Falling in love is surprising to us because we spend more time looking for sex than for love. So when it actually happens we have to check ourselves and try to understand the strange, tingly excitement in our bones. We smile a lot. Especially when we see you. At first it’s a thrill to be getting on so well, then we want more and more. We want to have you all to ourselves. Breaking the physical barrier is a giant bonus.
Tip: If a man wants to shag you in a hurry, it’s probably not love.

…To Bump Into Our Ex
Of course it all depends on the intensity of the break-up. Some exes we feel little for, so a meeting is an easy brush-off, but we’ve had that one ex who really broke our heart and made us feel as though we’d never recover. Inevitably one party takes the brunt of the break-up and if we come off worse, we do not forget. We hold anger for a long time and battle to forget jilted love. Bumping into this kind of ex is just a freak-out because it brings back all the paralysing incompetence we felt when she screwed us over. It’s humiliating and we want to forget.
Tip: If you hurt us, don’t try to make up; it’ll just make it worse. Stay away.

For more confessions, click here


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Mon, 05 Aug 2013 12:00 +0200
Shameful Tales http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/shameful-tales Horrorscope
‘I was looking at Cosmo’s Bedside Astrologer with my girlfriend of seven months. After she’d read my horoscope, she asked me to read hers out loud. I started to read out Virgo but she interrupted me and asked, “Wait, when’s my birthday?” I nervously replied, “August 30.” She replied, “No, that’s Diana’s.” I’d confused her birthday with our mutual friend Diana’s – who I used to sleep with. I was in the doghouse for quite some time.’ Eric, 19

Meet your marker
‘My parents were out of town while I was on a break from uni, so I had a huge party at their house. My friends and I have this tradition of drawing all over the face of the first one of us to pass out. When we found the poor sucker who was the first to go, we had a field day scribbling all sorts of variation of the male anatomy on his face in permanent black marker. He wasn’t happy when he woke up in the morning, but we all found it hysterical. When I finally got around to cleaning up, I realised the marker had bled off my friend’s face in his sleep, leaving the imprint of a crudely drawn penis on my parents’ brand new cushions. I flipped them over and prayed they wouldn’t notice. A few weeks later, I got a call from my irate mother, yelling about how I’d ruined her couch.’ Daryl, 19

Oh, deer
‘I typed up a story about this cool sex move I’d invented and sent it to my email list of friends…or so I thought. In the message I went into detail about the “deer in headlights,’ which is when both of you and the girl you’re with stop moving right before you’re about to finish. You’re both frozen like deer in headlights until the sensation passes, and you can have sex for a longer period of time afterwards. I didn’t know that I sent the email to the wrong list of people until a girl I didn’t know replied, “Thanks for the tip, Chase. I can’t wait to meet you next Sunday.” It turns out I’d actually blasted the message to a list for an upcoming event that had about 40 people on it – including half a dozen people I’d never met.’ Chase, 34

Not so well-hung
‘My mates and I were hanging out together when I made a call to my long-distance girlfriend. After we’d both said our goodbyes, I began telling my mates the raunchy details of a hook-up with another girl at a party the night before. All of a sudden, we heard my girlfriend screaming from the other end of my mobile. I quickly hung up on her…and when I finally called back, pretended there was nothing wrong. I proceeded to tell her she must’ve mistaken one of my friend’s voices for mine – and she totally believed it.’ Jordan, 26

Shavin’ it off
‘I like to keep my “boys” nice and smooth. Over the years, I’ve found that female shaving creams and razors are way more gentle than the stuff they make for guys, but I usually keep them hidden in my cabinet. One night, I invited over a hot girl to hang out with me. We started getting it on and then moved things into the shower. Suddenly, she started cracking up. I looked at the shelf and realised I had forgotten to hide my shaving stuff. Mortified, I made up an excuse and said they didn’t belong to me, but that totally backfired – she thought I had showers with lots of girls and promptly jumped out, dried off and left.’ Tony, 23

For more confessions, click here



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Thu, 01 Aug 2013 12:00 +0200
Oh No You Didn't! http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/oh-no-you-didnt In touch with his girlie side
‘As part of one of my varsity classes, we all toured a government building with the lecturer. Of course, we had to go through security before we could go inside. I took off my jacket and put my bag – a designer one I’d picked up during a trip to Europe - through the metal detector. We walked on with the tour guide when all of a sudden a security guard came over and interrupted. “Excuse me, sir? You left your man purse,” she said, holding it up for everyone to see. I tried to pretend I had no idea what she was talking about, but it was obvious the bag was mine.’ Damien, 24

Nude and rude
‘I got home one night and saw my housemate out in the backyard hitting golf balls. I went into the kitchen to make something to eat and heard a knock on the front door. I thought it was a bit weird that he hadn’t just come in through the back screen door, but decided to take advantage of the fact that he wouldn’t be able to see me through the solid wood front door. I stood in front of it, dropped my pants and boxers, unlocked the door and yelled, “Come in!” The door opened and our next-door neighbour peered in. She spun around quickly and ran away while I quickly tried to pull up my pants. Needless to say, it’s been pretty awkward ever since.’ Todd, 28

Bugged off
‘When I was on my second date with my now-fiancée, we were walking from my house to a restaurant and I was telling her a story about work, when all of a sudden an insect flew straight into my mouth. I started spitting and coughing and when I looked up she was in hysterics. My face was so red, I couldn’t even pretend I wasn’t embarrassed. All night she kept erupting into laughter. Even now is still cracks her up when she thinks of it.’ James, 29

Sister sell-out
‘One night my girlfriend and I decided to take advantage of the fact her parents were out of the house, and had sex. But we obviously forgot to lock her bedroom door, because her 10-year-old sister, who’d been downstairs watching TV, came into the room, saw what was going on and screamed. We quickly got dressed and my girlfriend ran after her and had a really serious talk about how important it was to keep her mouth shut about what she’d seen. But the following night, during a family dinner with my girlfriend’s parents and grandparents, the little brat yelled out, “Aaron and Kate were being loud and having sex!” Everyone ate the rest of the meal in silence.’ Aaron, 22

Three-course flop
‘I once took a girl out to dinner, but the date didn’t go very well. We didn’t really have much to say to each other and when the waiter came to take our orders, she told him she wasn’t hungry and just ordered an entrée. I hadn’t eaten all day and was starving, so I ordered three courses and sat there eating in silence while she just kind of looked around the restaurant. Later that night, my sister asked how it had gone, and when I told her what happened she replied, “You loser! She was trying to get out of there quickly! I can’t believe you made her sit there all night.” Let’s just say, I wasn’t particularly surprised when she didn’t call me again.’ Travis, 26

Want more confessions? Click through to Steamy Secrets

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Wed, 26 Jun 2013 12:00 +0200
Steamy Secrets http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/steamy-secrets
Flake escape

‘For a couple of months, I was taking a type of medication that made my skin really dry, but I was lazy and never moisturised or did any of that girlie stuff. I was walking back from the gym one day when I ran into an ex girlfriend I still had feelings for. Mid-conversation, she wrinkled up her nose and asked me why I was wearing powder on my face. I must have had white flakes all over my skin that looked like really badly applied makeup. I didn’t know if it was worse to wear powder or have incredibly dry skin, so I just blurted out, “Oh crap, I’m late!” and jogged away as fast as I could. I haven’t heard from her since.’ Andre*, 21

Word to your mummy
‘My girlfriend’s family is really into scrabble. One night after a family dinner, we all sat down to a game. Her parents and brother are all excellent players, so I felt pressured to get a high score. At one point, I looked down at my letters and realised I had the perfect combination to spell out ‘queef’ on the board. It was risky, but I was intent on getting a high score to impress them that I lost track of all rationale and put the word down. But the minute I did, I regretted it – my girlfriend had a look of pure horror on her face, and her brother shook his head and laughed. Both of her parents looked confused, and her dad said, “hmmm, I’m not sure I’m familiar with this one. Let’s go look it up.’ Before I could stop him, he typed the word into a search on the internet. The results made the whole family painfully uncomfortable.’ Chris*, 31

Hairless whisper
‘The careers counsellor at my uni insists that going to job interviews with a beard is a no-no. I thought it was dumb, but I shaved mine off anyway before I went to my first interview. It all went well, and when I was offered the job I accepted it. Since the guy was young and seemed cool, I said to him, “I’m wondering, would it have mattered if I’d had a beard? I got rid of my beard before I came here today, but would it have made any difference?” The guy went all serious and said, “If you have a drinking problem, we should reconsider the job.” The whole time, he thought I’d been saying “beer”.’ Sam*, 22

Tutu much info
‘When a girl at a bar told me she was a dancer, I tried to impress her by reciting random facts I’d heard about ballet. She nodded politely while I babbled on. Finally she said, “I’m actually an exotic dancer, but thanks so much for all that info about ballet. It’s great you’re in touch with your feminine side.” That put a swift end to the conversation.’ Kevin*, 25

Pee is for party
‘For my birthday, my girlfriend was really sweet and threw me a barbeque in my backyard. My friends and I had been drinking all day, and there was a long line for the bathroom. Since it was getting dark, I figured I could take a pee in the corner of the yard without attracting attention. I was doing my business when everyone started singing “Happy Birthday”. I turned my head, and my girlfriend was standing in the middle of the yard, hold a cake with candles. She had come from inside the house and had started serenading me before she could see me, or what I was doing. The entire party stood there singing to my naked bum until I finished and pulled up my pants.’ Bob*, 25

*Names have been changed

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Wed, 19 Jun 2013 12:00 +0200
Cringeworthy Confessions http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/cringeworthy-confessions Horrorscope
‘I was looking at Cosmo’s Horoscope with my girlfriend of seven months. After she’d read my horoscope, she asked me to read hers out loud. I started to read out Virgo but she interrupted me and asked, “Wait, when’s my birthday?” I nervously replied, “August 30.” She replied, “No, that’s Diana’s.” I’d confused her birthday with our mutual friend Diana’s – who I used to sleep with. I was in the doghouse for quite some time.’ Eric*, 19

Meet your marker
‘My parents were out of town while i was on a break from varsity, so I had a huge party at their house. My friends and I have this tradition of drawing all over the face of the first one of us to pass out. When we found the poor sucker who was the first to go, we had a field day scribbling all sorts of variations of the male anatomy on his face in permanent black marker. He wasn’t happy when he woke up in the morning, but we all found it hysterical. When I finally got around to cleaning up, I realised the marker had bled off my friend’s face in his sleep, leaving the imprint of a crudely drawn penis on my parents’ brand new cushions. I flipped them over and prayed they wouldn’t notice. A few weeks later, I got a call from my irate mother, yelling about how I’d ruined her couch.’ Daryl*, 19

Oh, deer
‘I typed up a story about this cool sex move I’d invented and sent it to my email list of friends…or so I thought. In the message I went into detail about the “deer in headlights", which is when both you and the girl you’re with stop moving right before you’re about to finish. You’re both frozen until the sensation passes, and you can have sex for a longer period of time afterwards. I didn’t know that I sent the email to the wrong list of people until a girl I didn’t know replied, “Thanks for the tip, Chase. I can’t wait to meet you next Sunday.” It turns out I’d actually blasted the message to a list for an upcoming event that had about 40 people on it – including half a dozen people I’d never met.’ Chase*, 34

Not so well-hung
‘My mates and I were hanging out together when I made a call to my long-distance girlfriend. After we’d both said our goodbyes, I began telling my mates the raunchy details of a hook-up with another girl at a party the night before. All of a sudden, we heard my girlfriend screaming from the other end of my mobile. I quickly hung up on her…and when I finally called back, pretended there was nothing wrong. I proceeded to tell her she must’ve mistaken one of my friend’s voices for mine – and she totally believed it.’ Jordan*, 26

Shavin’ it off
‘I like to keep my “boys” nice and smooth. Over the years, I’ve found that female shaving creams and razors are way more gentle than the stuff they make for guys, but I usually keep them hidden in my cabinet. One night, I invited a hot girl over to hang out with me. We started getting it on and then moved things into the shower. Suddenly, she started cracking up. I looked at the shelf and realised I had forgotten to hide my shaving stuff. Mortified, I made up an excuse and said they didn’t belong to me, but that totally backfired – she thought I had showers with lots of girls and promptly jumped out, dried off and left.’ Tony*, 23

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 11 Jun 2013 12:00 +0200
Dirty Deeds http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/dirty-deeds
Girlie Man
‘I was dating this girl and, one Saturday, she offered to take me to the movies. We ended up going to see the girliest film I could imagine. Surprisingly, I had gotten pretty into it, so when things took a turn for the worse onscreen I became super-emotional. The woman sitting next to me was bawling hard-core, but my date as sitting there calm as hell! I tried to save face, but I couldn’t help it and ended up breaking down. She gave me this disgusted look, and I was so embarrassed that I broke things off with her after that.’ Joel*, 22

Busted By His Boxers
‘I had a girlfriend, but was also seeing one of my co-workers, Marissa. When she found out, we had a huge fight. We kept seeing each other, but I could tell she was fed up with being the other woman. One day after we had finished hooking up, our conversation got heated, and she told me she no longer wanted to see me. She left the room, then came back with a bag of stuff I had left in her apartment. I went back to my girlfriend’s place and decided to forget about it. That weekend, my girlfriend came up to me with a basket of laundry. Holding up a pair of my boxers, she asked ‘What’s this? My co-worker had taken a permanent marker and written “Marissa was here” on the waistband.’ Jason*, 28

E-Humiliation
‘I was giving a virtual presentation to some high-profile executives at work. They logged into my PC and could see my screen while I spoke on the conference call. My name is Chris, and one girl in my office had begun to affectionately call me Chrissy. During the meeting intermission, a message popped up on my desktop that read “Hi Chrissy!” Slightly mortified, I e-mailed her when the meeting was on intermission and told her of her mistake. When the meeting began again, her reply popped up: “Now they all know you’re a girl!” That was followed by a guy named Peter sending me an email that read “You forgot to wake me up this morning.” Peter is my brother, but I doubt the executives knew that.’ Chris*, 25

Surprise Visit
‘I run a lot and, as a result, I ended up with tendonitis in both knees. I have a prescription for painkillers to reduce the swelling. One weekday, I was working and unable to pick up the medicine, so my mom offered to get it for me. When I finally got home, my girlfriend surprised me with a quick visit before she went out of town. We ended up getting it on in my bedroom, and then the doorbell rand. Startled I quickly put on my clothes and answered the door. It was my mom. She called me out to the patio, and, while laughing, said, “Guess your knees weren’t that swollen, huh? You might want to tell your lady friend to turn it down. I can hear her from outside.”’ Brett*, 23

Dating Disaster
‘I was meeting a girl for dinner one evening, and she showed up extremely intoxicated. We carefully made our way to the table in the packed restaurant. During the meal, I looked down to cut a piece of my steak and, when I looked up, she wasn’t in front of me anymore. I looked around the restaurant for her, but she was gone. I figured she bailed on me and signalled for the waiter to bring the cheque. Then, I heard a coughing noise from under the table – it was my date, head between her legs in the crash position and throwing up. Everyone on the restaurant was staring at me like I was some loser who was trying to get my date drunk.’ Max*, 31
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Tue, 04 Jun 2013 12:00 +0200
Major Mood Killers http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/major-mood-killers
• ‘Tattoos are sexy as hell, but I’ve been unpleasantly surprised several times by poorly planned inkwork. Disney characters are a deal breaker – they make me feel like a paedophile. Also, I was having a one-night stand a few years ago and removed a girl’s skirt to find a dollar-bill tattoo on the inside of each thigh. How the hell am I supposed to take that?’ –Kent*, 26

• ‘Like most guys, I really dig early morning sex. But ladies, please don’t yawn! I know it’s early, I know it’s natural, but if you yawn while I’m on top of you, it just makes me think that you would have rather had that extra 20 minutes of sleep.’ –Tom*, 35

• ‘I love it when a girl has protection, because it means that I don’t have to worry about running out to buy condoms in the middle of the night. But one night, this woman I went home with whipped out an industrial size box of condoms, already opened, with many missing (aka used). It made me wonder just how many guys had passed through the same bed.’ –Brant*, 27

• ‘I’m not a body-hair nazi. Whether you are completely bare down there or have a landing strip or something more, it’s all good. But flagrant disregard of trimming makes me feel like the sex itself doesn’t mean that much to you. Just keep it clean!’ –Stan*, 29

• ‘I started dating this girl and was really into her – great personality, great looks, great in the sack. But five seconds after my orgasm, she would leap out of bed and rush to the bathroom. I understand a girl’s need to clean herself up after sex, but scrambling away from me like I’m crawling with cooties? Talk about a buzz kill…and an insult.’ –Samid*, 25

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 28 May 2013 12:00 +0200
In-The-Act Awkwardness http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/in-the-act-awkwardness
• ‘Noisemaking is great, but I got suspicious with this one blonde who started moaning before I even touched her. So I tried altering what I was doing to see if she changed her noises, but it was like she was working off a script. Her fake climax came right on schedule…and I grabbed a cab home.’ –Sam*, 24

• ‘This chick I hooked up with started throwing me around, ripping off my clothes, tossing me on the bed – all the things that you see in movies but don’t ever happen to real dudes. It was exciting… but then it got really weird. I was getting bloody scratches and wicked rug burns. I realised, Crap, she’s stone-cold nuts.’ –Ed*, 34

• ‘A college girlfriend of mine used to obsessively cover her body during sex, which was really annoying. Look, once we’re already doing the deed, there aren’t really any surprises there. Plus, I feel like I’ve earned the right to look at your entire body, flaws and all.’ –J.R*, 23

• ‘I love the reverse-cowgirl position, but understand that the penis is particularly fragile when pointed downward. So when you’re bent over his knees, be careful not to thrust too hard.’ –Neal*, 26

• ‘There might be a context in which moaning “Do me, Daddy” and “Harder, Daddy” is acceptable during sex… but I can’t think of what that context would be. I’m not your daddy, and the more you say it, the creepier it is.’ –Walter*, 30

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 21 May 2013 12:00 +0200
Not-So-Sexy Seduction http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/not-so-sexy-seduction
'Dirty talk is a delicate art, and some words don’t have that magic. I briefly went out with a girl who talked like she had just graduated from gynaecological school. ‘I want your penis inside my vagina,’ she’d moan. And that sounded downright sexy next to her use of icy cold terms like testicles and clitoris!’ – Roy*, 25

‘I was playing some late-night pool with a bunch of friends at a bar, and there was this girl who’d been making eyes at me all night. I wasn’t interested …and maybe that’s why she started trying much harder. Every time I looked over at her, she was fondling her pool cue, running her fingers along the stick or nestling it between her legs. It came off as so fake and desperate that it wasn’t the least bit attractive.’ – Raphael*, 27

‘I found myself grinding on the dance floor with this smoking-hot woman. Pretty soon, she had one hand under my shirt and was licking my ear. I was ready to suggest we go somewhere more private when I realised that her tongue was still jammed way up there. I appreciated her dedication, but my ear was swimming with saliva and I could barely hear what she was whispering in it.’ – Scott*, 30

‘While I was away on holiday, a girl across the bar was clearly trying to seduce me. First, she rubbed a cherry over her lips – a cliché, but whatever. I was willing to go along. But then she took her turquoise-coloured drink and, on the way to her mouth, “accidently” spilled it on her skimpy white top. It was supposed to be sexy in a wet t-shirt way, but all I could think was “What a mess!”’ – Mike*, 23

‘Beware of the MP3 player! My girl set it to shuffle and then gave me the signal that she was feeling frisky. No problem: Barry White got me worked up into a frenzy, the Rolling Stones had the passion building… and then right as were about to have sex, the Pee-wee’s Playhouse theme song kicked in.’ –Paul*, 26

‘A woman I work with came up to me at an office party and started going on about some of the kinky acts she and her ex used to perform. Did this make me think she was offering up herself as a potentially interesting booty call? Yes. Did it also make me think she was a disturbing Jerry Springer melodrama waiting to explode? Hell, yes… so I backed away slowly.’ – Gerald*, 31.

*Names have been changed.
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Fri, 10 May 2013 12:00 +0200
Dudes Divulge http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/dudes-divulge
Booking Up

‘In my college, my girlfriend and I were studying in the library late one night. We had been working for a while and decided to take a study break to stretch our legs. After walking through the stacks for a while, we found a dark, deserted corner and started making out. Eventually, it got hotter, and we started having sex against the shelves. Then I heard footsteps. I quickly tried to put my girl down and pull up my jeans, but I lost my balance and fell backward, knocking books everywhere. My assistant professor came around the corner and saw me sprawled on the floor with my jeans around my ankles and my girlfriend trying her best not to crack up.’ – Zach*, 21

Work It, Wingman!
‘I went out with my buddy, Joey, and wanted to score that night, so we made a plan. When we got to the bar, I picked out a cute girl. Joey went over to the girl and started acting crude. I let it go on for a few minutes and then went over, pretended like I didn’t know him, and told him to stop. He went to punch me, but I knew it was coming, ducked and shoved him out of the bar. The girl was so thankful, and she ended up going home with me. The next weekend, it was Joey’s turn to be the nice one.’ – Mason*, 31

You Snooze, You Lose
‘I was nervous one morning because I was meeting with the president of the company I work for. Before work, I picked up cold medicine because I could feel myself getting sick. I popped a cold tablet before heading into the meeting and thought I’d be fine. When I arrived, the president introduced me as someone he had really high hopes for. We all sat around a big conference table, and he started talking. The next thing I remember was being shaken awake. I had totally fallen asleep in front of everyone. When I got back to my desk, I realised I’d bought the drowsy formula.’ – Luis*, 28

Butt, It was a Bet…
‘My girlfriend and I hang out at my place a lot because I live with my brother and he’s rarely home. My brother’s always teasing me about being whipped. One day, she and I made a stupid bet over how long it would take to fly around the world. If she won, I had to kiss her bum… literally. If I won, she would cook me dinner. After looking it up online, we found out she had won. So she pulled down her pants and I went in for the kill. As I did this, my brother walked in the front door and saw everything. If I thought the teasing was bad before, it has gotten a million times worse since he witnessed me kissing butt.’ – Ryan*, 24

Red, Red Swine
‘I am a super-competitive person, and there is this guy, Craig, at my school who always goes after the same girls as I do. One night, I saw him at a party and was really tired of it. I had my friends keep bringing him cup after cup of strong berry punch. Eventually he passed out, and my friend and I, being the nice guys that we are, took him home. On our way, we stopped and grabbed stuff from my female flatmate’s cupboard. The next morning, we e-mailed everyone we knew on campus pictures of Craig passed out in his bed wearing a red bra and holding his crotch.’ – Blake*, 20

Nice Tri, Buddy
‘I was dating this girl Becca, who had a really gorgeous roommate, Lisa. Becca was always self-conscious and thought I wanted to date Lisa, which wasn’t true at all. One day, we were in her room having sex, and Lisa walked in and froze. To ease the tension, I made a quick joke and said, “There’s always room for three.” I guess neither girl thought it was funny because Lisa stormed out, and Becca told me to get dressed and to never call her again.’ – Brandon*, 27

Hot Guy Blooper of the Month
‘I was in France with my brothers, and one night, we went to a club. I spotted this hot girl and finally got up the courage to approach her. My grasp of French isn’t great, but I thought I could make do. I’m not sure what I ended up saying, but it apparently didn’t translate well because she dumped her cocktail all over my shirt.’ – Thomas*, 21

*Names have been changed


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Tue, 07 May 2013 12:00 +0200
Couple Fights (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/couple-fights-part-two
Strike Three
'My ex and I spent a lot of time at his flat. One night, I was trying to have a serious conversation with him, but he kept ignoring me because there was a soccer game on TV. He got cross with me for interrupting his game, and I was irritated because he wasn't listening. When it escalated into a screaming match, I walked into the kitchen, grabbed the scissors, and cut the television cable so he'd have to talk to me. My tactic backfired, though, because he left to watch the game at his friend's house.' - Laura*, 31

Silent But Deadly
'My fiancée and I couldn't agree on a honeymoon spot. It got heated, and I gave her the silent treatment. In retaliation, she gave it right back. Neither of us would admit to being wrong, so we didn't say a word to each other for a week. If I answered the phone and it was for her, I would set it down and walk away. Eventually, we got tired of living like monks and made up.' - Ted*, 27

Return Of The Lock Ness Monster
'I was livid when my guy ditched me and went out with his friends. To express my fury, I chain-locked our door so he couldn't get in and then went to bed. Later, I heard sirens outside. I ran downstairs and found out that a neighbour had called the police because he had seen a drunk guy - my boyfriend - trying to crawl through the window.' - Michelle*, 29

Who's The Boss?
'My boyfriend and I met at work and started seeing each other. We kept our relationship quiet because office dating was looked down upon. When he was promoted and became my boss, things got complicated because he could give me orders. Not wanting to fight in front of others, we got into the lift together and started yelling. We thought no one could hear us, but when the doors opened, the entire office was staring at us. The sound of us screaming had travelled up through the shaft.' - Elisa*, 25

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 30 Apr 2013 12:00 +0200
Couple Fights (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/couple-fights-part-one
Surround-Sound Skirmish
'My girlfriend and I were fighting because she wanted to listen to music, and I wanted to watch television. Neither of us could agree, so I just turned on the television. She turned up the stereo louder. In retaliation, I did the same with the TV. This continued with each of us turning up the volume. We both turned down the speakers when we heard banging on the door. The neighbours had called in a noise complaint, and the police had shown up.' - Jim*, 24

Warning: Toxic Dump
'When my guy moved in, he promised not to leave his stuff everywhere. After a long day, I walked into our lounge and tripped over his shoes, which he had left in the middle of the floor. I told him how rude it was, but he didn't seem to care. To prove my point, I opened our third-floor window and threw his stuff outside. Later, he had to go down to the front garden and get his boxers, shoes, socks, and shirts.' - Ashley*, 28

Hit The Road, Jerk
'I was on a car trip with my girlfriend. We were about 300km from home when we got into a huge fight because I said she was a bad driver. In the middle of the disagreement, we stopped at a petrol station. I ran in to use the bathroom, and when I came back out, the car was nowhere in sight. She had left me stranded three hours from home.' - Rob*, 25

Wash and Scold
'As a nice gesture, I did my guy's laundry. Days later, we woke up and got ready for work, and he complained that his shirt didn't smell right. I was enraged because I had taken time to be sweet. He kept going on about the smell of the soap. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I walked up to him with my glass of orange juice and poured it all over the shirt. Then I told him he could re-wash it with the soap he preferred.' - Ann*, 29

Going Postal
'After dinner at my girlfriend's house, I was really upset. Her dad is always awful to me. On the drive home, I told her how I felt, and she said I was being silly. I was so angry that I wasn't paying attention. I looked up and saw I was headed for some mailboxes. Before I could react, I hit them. It was an expensive fight.' - Edward*, 20

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 23 Apr 2013 12:00 +0200
Dirty Deed, Dude! (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/dirty-deed-dude-part-two
Green Freak-Out
'When I was at varsity, this super-cute girl from one of my classes asked me out. I was really flattered, and of course I said yes. We met up for cocktails at an upscale bar, and since it was nice outside, we took a walk afterwards. Along the way, she spotted a plastic bag hanging in a tree. A total green freak, she felt compelled to get it down so she could throw it away. She found a stick that she used to poke the bag to get it off the branch. All of a sudden, it ripped open and some runny dog poo fell out and landed right on her.' - Doug*, 22

Cross-Dressed Down
'I couldn't believe I'd made the rugby team at varsity, and I was willing to do anything to get in the good books of the guys on the team. Before the season started, we had initiation, where the older guys put all the rookies through hell, having us run errands for them, forcing us to eat and drink really disgusting stuff, and making us look like fools in public. For one stunt, we had to go to the gym, wearing girls' shorts and play ping-pong in front of everyone who was working out. Everyone was scrambling, trying to borrow shorts from their girlfriends, but I remembered that I had a pair in my wardrobe from my ex-girlfriend, so I wore those. We went all out: shorts, tank tops, headbands - we were a total spectacle. I was acting the fool and playing ping-pong when I heard a voice behind me say "Um, aren't those my shorts?" I turned and was face-to-face with my ex, standing with a group of girls, all of whom were laughing. She walked off before I could explain. I'm sure now she's really glad that we broke up.' - Frank*, 26

Moving Up (Chuck) The Corporate Ladder
'The company I work for has a pretty cool recruiting programme, so when I was in my final year at university, they came to campus and took me out for drinks. After I interviewed and accepted a job, my future boss came back to class to welcome all the new employees and treat us to a night out. Since the company was picking up the bill, we ate and drank a ton. By the end of the night, I was feeling pretty sick. At the last bar we went to, my boss-to-be bought me a shot to celebrate the fact that we'd be working together. Unfortunately, that drink was all it took to send my stomach over the edge. I put down the glass and turned to thank my boss, but instead I threw up on him. I can't believe he still went through with hiring me.' - Richard*, 28

Please Don't Squeeze The...
'My girlfriend and I met her friends for dinner at a Mexican restaurant. Afterwards, everyone was heading to a bar, but first she and I went back to her house to drop off our leftovers. We put the food away in the fridge and were in such a hurry to meet up with her friends again that we closed the locked door before realising the keys were still inside the flat. She lives on the third floor, so we figured our only option was to climb the fire escape up to her balcony and enter through the sliding door. The ladder was about 10 feet off the ground, so I needed a boost to get onto it. Trying to help, my girlfriend grabbed me around the middle and tried to hoist me up. But I was so full from the Mexican dinner that as she squeezed me, I let out a really loud fart... right in her face.' - Stewart*, 24

*Names have been changed

<<<Go Back To Part One

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Tue, 16 Apr 2013 12:00 +0200
Dirty Deed, Dude! (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/dirty-deed-dude-part-one
Derailed Hook-up
'On New Year's Eve, I was at a party and met a girl I really wanted to hook up with. I talked to her all evening, and at the end of the night we left in a taxi together. During the ride, she serviced me down below. She mentioned she lived 30 minutes away and was headed to the train station. Itching to mess around some more, I went with her to meet the train, bought a ticket, and hopped on board. When I got up to go to the bathroom, I ran into a friend. I don't know if I was just sobering up or the girl didn't look as attractive in the bright light, but I made a split decision to get off the train with my buddy without saying good-bye to the girl. I haven't heard from her since.' - Fritz*, 30

Numb and Numb-er
'During a family trip, I went out and hit up the clubs and bars in the area. I ended up kissing a girl and inviting her back to my hotel room. Earlier that day, I had bought a pack of numbing condoms, because I'd read that they could prolong your erection. So after the girl and I had been going at it for a while, I put on one of the condoms. Suddenly I realised that I had lost all feeling in my member. I told her I needed to take a break for a minute and asked if she would keep me warmed up by giving me oral. She started going down on me, but after a few minutes, she came back up, shocked, and said, "I can't feel my face!" I totally played dumb.' - Charlie*, 23

Knock On Wood
'One of my tutors during my first year of university was so ridiculously hot that I could never concentrate on what she was saying. Instead, I always sat in the class and tried to imagine what she would look like naked. Once, while caught up in a sexy daydream about her, I got so excited that, well, let's just say it was pretty obvious. So when the bell rang and I got up from my desk to leave, the guy next to me pointed out what was going on in my pants and announced it to the whole room. Everyone turned to look at me as I scrambled to try to cover my crotch.' - Sam*, 18

Vehicular Offence
'My girlfriend and I go to different universities. I live with two other guys in a cramped res room, so when my girl comes to visit, we have a hard time finding a private spot to hook up. Last time, I convinced her that we should go to my car, which I park in a deserted parking lot. She agreed. And for the next few nights, we did it in the backseat. On the evening before she left, we were getting it on in the car when we noticed lights. Figuring it was just a passing car, we crouched down behind the front seat. When the lights came closer, I realised it was a spotlight from campus security officers. A moment later, they were next to the car, illuminating my girlfriend and me, butt-naked in the backseat. They let us off with a warning, but my girl was mortified. She told me I'd have to come up with a new locale.' - Julian*, 20

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 09 Apr 2013 12:00 +0200
Bedroom Bloopers (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/bedroom-bloopers-part-two
House Of Wax
'I'd seen movie sex scenes where couples pout hot wax on each other, so I decided to try it on my guy. I used scarves to tie him to my bed and then used another to blindfold him. After I teased him for a bit, I grabbed a candle from my bedside table and drizzled the wax on his lower stomach. He immediately started screaming and trying to jump off the bed, which made me accidentally drop more wax on him. He was going crazy, so I quickly untied him, and he ripped off the blindfold. Not only did the wax leave red burns on him but it also got stuck in his body hair. I spent the next 20 minutes carefully snipping out the dried wax with manicure scissors.' - Ann*, 32

That Bites
'Some couples we're friendly with planned a camping trip, and my man and I decided to go along. We were all sharing tents, so one night, my boyfriend and I snuck into the woods for some alone time. We found a secluded clearing, stripped down, and started going at it. It was great sex, and we returned back to camp after we were done. No one had even noticed we were missing. About an hour later, we both started itching like crazy - all over our bodies. Everyone noticed our inappropriate scratching and asked us what was wrong. We went into the tent to examine each other and saw that our entire bodies were covered in mosquito bites. We must have gotten naked in an area covered with bugs and not noticed them biting. The rest of the trip was miserable.' - Margaret*, 28

Search and Rescue
'My boyfriend wears a graduation ring that he got at university. A few months ago, we were watching a movie and ended up messing around. He took off my pants and his fingers went to work, but then we heard my roommate coming home. I threw my pants on and went back to watching the movie. That's when my guy realised his ring was missing. We checked the couch, and when we didn't find it, we knew it must have been inside me. I went to the bathroom to try and get it out, and I spent so much time in there that my roommate asked what was wrong. I told her, and she thought it was hysterical. I frantically left a message on my gynae's voice mail. Thankfully the next morning it had worked its way down far enough for me to retrieve it.' - Elizabeth*, 27

Legend Of The Fall
'I have a loft bed in my room at res. One night, my boyfriend came home with me after a party, and I was a little tipsy. We got into bed and started making out. I sat up and tried to take off my top in a really sexy way, but it got stuck as I pulled it over my head. I tugged really hard, and it came loose, but I also lost my balance and went flying off the bed. I landed really hard on the ground and smashed my face into the floor. My guy started laughing until he saw blood streaming out of my nose. The tumble and nosebleed definitely ruined the moment.' - Lerato*, 21

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 02 Apr 2013 12:00 +0200
Bedroom Bloopers (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/bedroom-bloopers-part-one
A Smashing Good Time
'When I moved into my flat, I invited my boyfriend over to christen it. We were being wild, and at one point, I was on top and leaned forward to grab my heavy wooden headboard. I must not have put together my bed very well, because as soon as I grabbed it, the entire thing came crashing down on my guy's head. I quickly pushed it off him, but he was out cold for about a minute. When he came to, he feared he had a concussion. We called his cousin, who is a nurse, and she told us that he shouldn't go to sleep for at least eight hours. So we spent my first night at my new place icing his head and trying to stay awake.' - Adrianna*, 24

Burning Love
'One afternoon my boyfriend and I were fooling around at my mom's house when he headed south. It felt really good and after we finished, he took off. Minutes later, my below-the-belt area started burning. I ran into the bathroom only to find that my V zone was red and swollen. I was so scared that I yelled for my mom and made her look. I explained everything, and she had me put a cold towel on it. It took a few hours, but everything went back to normal. After talking to my guy, I found out that he had tried chewing tobacco earlier that day and my body had reacted badly to it.' -Claire*, 18

Bad Vibrations
'I've never owned an actual vibrator. Instead, I use a small back massager with a long chord. One night, I got into bed, turned it on, and started doing my thing. Just as I was getting into it, sparks started shooting everywhere - the massager was old and I hadn't realised the chord has started to fray near the base. I threw it across the room, but not before I got several burn marks along my inner thighs. For the next few days, I walked funny because it hurt to put my legs together.' - Karen*, 26

Heading Off The Road
'My boyfriend and I decided to drive to his parents' home, which is several hours away. A few miles from his folks' place, I decided to give him a treat. I leaned over, unzipped his pants, and started going down on him. There were no cars near us and we were going slowly, so I thought it was safe. He got really into it, and at one point, he closed his eyes. When he opened them, he realised we had drifted into another lane. He turned the wheel but ended up overcorrecting - right into a ditch. My head crashed into the dashboard, bruising my jaw. Worst of all, we had to call his parents. We made up an excuse, but I think they could tell we were lying.' -Tessa*, 19

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 26 Mar 2013 12:00 +0200
Dirtiest Deeds (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/dirtiest-deeds-part-two
Two-Timing Trouble
'When I studied in London, I lived in a co-ed res. After moving in, I introduced myself to the women on the top floor, and I hit it off with one of them. She gave me a massage and I could tell where it was leading, but she had a roommate. So we went down to my room, except my roommate was there, too. Never one to let obstacles stop me, I pulled her into the guys' shared bathroom, and we did it in the shower stall. The next weekend, I found myself in a similar situation, only with a different girl. We opted for the guys' bathroom again, but as we were coming out, the first girl walked by and saw us. For the rest of the semester, all the girls called me Shower Whore.' - Karl*, 23

Feeling Vile Down The Aisle
'When my buddy got married, he asked me to be one of the ushers. I happily agreed, and the day before the wedding, I flew to where it was being held. The ceremony wasn't till the afternoon, so I figured I could take advantage of the nightlife and still be in good shape to perform my duties. I must have drunk a little too much tequila though, because when I showed up at the church, I was feeling queasy. I ran to the bathroom to be sick, but I didn't make it. I threw up all over the front of my tux. I wiped it off as best I could, but I stank, and they had to put me at the back of all the photos since my clothes were stained.' - Michael*, 30

Milking It
'One of the guys I lived with was a player, and he always got women into bed before I even had the courage to ask them out. We hosted a party, and I invited a girl I liked. As soon as my roommate saw her, he asked her out, then joked that it would've taken me months to land a date. The afternoon before they were going out, I made linguine with white sauce for my housemates. I assured my roommate that I didn't use real milk since he's lactose intolerant, but I lied. Apparently, he spent half the date in the bathroom, and he had some serious gas problems. The girl was so grossed out, they never went out with each other again.' - James*, 22

Under(handed) Grad
'At varsity, I was kind of a jerk when it came to dating. But in my third year, I did something low… even for me. I was at a party with this girl, and we started making out. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, and while in line, I ran into a sexy girl I'd seen on campus. We talked for a few minutes, then she gave me a kiss and invited me back to her digs. I said I'd let my buddies know I was leaving and told her to meet me outside. Then I went back to my original date, said I was feeling sick, and met up with the hottie for a wild night.' - Pete*, 24

*Names have been changed

<<<Go Back To Part One

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Tue, 19 Mar 2013 12:00 +0200
Dirtiest Deeds (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/dirtiest-deeds-part-one
Poolside Peep Show
'My group of friends and I went to a beach resort for a week to celebrate our graduation. I bought a khaki-coloured bathing suit for the trip, thinking that the light colour would make me look nice and bronzed. After checking in at the hotel, we all headed to the pool. Everyone lay out on the chairs, but I jumped right in the water. I swam around for a bit and then climbed out in front of a group of cute girls. I made sure to walk right past them so they'd notice me. I heard a few snickers, then saw my friend pointing from across the pool. I looked down and saw that my suit was completely transparent. I might as well have been naked because my package was totally visible.' - William*, 25

Blurt-Out Boo-Boo
'I had gone out with this girl, Caitlin* a couple of times, and I could tell she was really into me. But I wasn't that keen on getting into a serious relationship. One evening, she came over to my place, and she started to go down on me. I was totally caught up in the moment and feeling great. Then, in the midst of my moans, I said, "Oh, Kathy*, that feels so good." All of a sudden she stopped, stood up, and gave me a terrible look. I didn't even realise my mistake until she asked, "What did you call me?" I tried to play it off like she'd misheard me, but the damage was done. And that was the last I ever saw of her.' - Jonathan*, 22

Corporate Canoodling
'My boss would often take long lunches with this woman and claim they were business-related, but I never believed him. One afternoon, he told me to make dinner reservations at a romantic hotel restaurant and to call his wife and tell her that he'd be working late. After he left, I called his wife and said he'd be home late. When she asked why, I told her I thought he said something about having dinner with his sister - knowing full well that he doesn't have a sister - and told her the name of the restaurant. The next day, I found out that his wife had caught him. My boss was livid about my "slip up", but it was well worth it.' - Peter*, 30

Not-So-Straight Shooter
'I was hanging out at a girl's place, and we were fooling around. One thing led to another, and we started having sex. I really needed to wee, though, so I told her I'd be right back and headed to the bathroom. As I lifted the seat, I realised that in my excited state, peeing directly into the toilet was going to be difficult. So I pulled aside the shower curtain, stepped in, and relieved myself, not worrying too much about my aim. Just then, the girl walked in to see if I was alright, and she saw me peeing all over her shower. I froze like a deer in headlights and tried to explain, but she walked out with a weird look on her face.' - Lee*, 22

Dirty Deal Breaker
'I met this girl at a party and brought her home with me. We ended up in my bed totally naked, and assuming we were going to have sex, I reached into my bedside table for a condom. When she saw me grab the package, she told me that since she didn't know me that well, she didn't want to sleep with me. But she offered to go down on me, if I'd reciprocate. I agreed. She went first, and it was great. Afterward, the last thing I wanted to do was return the favour. So I said, "I just realised I probably shouldn't do this. The cold sore on my mouth hasn't totally cleared up." She was annoyed, but luckily, she believed me and I was off the hook.' - Ed*, 20

Recipe For Disaster
'I used to work as a waiter in the restaurant of this fancy country club. It was a tough gig, but the pay was good and the female bartender was smoking hot. We would always complain to each other about the guests, and before long, we were talking every day and taking our breaks together. I didn't really think anything would come of our innocent flirting, but one afternoon, I went to get some food from the storage room and she was there. She grabbed me, and we started kissing. All of a sudden, the door swung open, and our manager caught us in the act. We were fired on the spot.' - Carson*, 23

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 12 Mar 2013 12:00 +0200
Real Guys Reveal All http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/real-guys-reveal-all
Ill-Suited Affair
'I was invited to a commitment ceremony for two of my friends. They both had wild personalities, and when they started planning it, they told me it would be a crazy, flashy affair. So, I decked myself out in a bright yellow suit that was totally retro. But the plans must have changed, because when I got to the wedding I realised I'd made the wrong call. Apparently, the couple's parents wanted a more tasteful ceremony so they'd changed the whole theme. It wound up being the most conservative wedding I'd ever been to. I spent the entire time trying to blend into a sea of navy suits and jackets while elderly women glared at me.' - Amir*, 29

Strange Bedfellows
'I spent a weekend visiting a female friend at her university. One evening, we went out and got tipsy. When we got back to her digs, I fell asleep on her couch. In the middle of the night, I got up to go to the communal bathroom down the hall. When I'd finished my business, I walked out and proceeded down the corridor. I don't know if it was because I was hungover or overtired, but I went into the wrong room. I walked in, flung off my shoes, and got in bed with the girl who I thought was my friend. I realised I was in the wrong room when she started screaming and a few other girls came rushing in.' - Matt*, 21

Whizz Kid
'For my birthday, my girlfriend was really sweet and organised a braai for me at my house. My friends and I had been drinking all day, and there was a long line for the bathroom. Since it was getting dark, I figured I could take a wee in the corner of the garden without attracting attention. I was doing my business when everyone started singing. I turned my head, and my girlfriend was standing in the middle of the garden, holding a cake with candles. She had come from inside the house and had started serenading me before she could see me. The entire party stood there singing to my bare-naked butt until I finished and pulled up my pants.' - Rob*, 25

What a Snake
'I was driving to an engagement party with my girlfriend and a couple who were friends of hers but whom I didn't know well. I mentioned that my dad is a herpetologist - someone who studies reptiles and amphibians. The other guy asked if, as a result, I was interested in snakes. I said I thought they were okay but I definitely wasn't one of those "creepy guys who raises snakes." The car got silent before the girl said, "Ummm, my brother raises snakes." The next hour of the drive was the longest of my life.' - Dan*, 35

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 05 Mar 2013 12:00 +0200
Embarrassing Guy Moments (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/embarrassing-guy-moments-part-two
He Took a Beating
'When I started dating my girlfriend, she told me she doesn't usually introduce guys to her family. So I knew she was into me when she invited me to a family braai. Her dad and uncles were pretty tough on me, and when they suggested a game of touch rugby, I knew it was my chance to impress them. During the game, I saw my chance to intercept the ball from her uncle, but when I ran at him to tackle him, my foot got caught in the grass. I lost my balance and catapulted myself at him, knocking him over and landing on him. The uncle screamed, and when I got up, he was clutching his knee. Everyone started shouting at me that I wasn't supposed to tackle, and I couldn't even explain that it was an accident. He went to the hospital and needed surgery. I still feel like an ass every time I see him.' - Vincent*, 26

Lust Hurts
'I work for a construction company and was renovating a second-story apartment. I was up on a 6-foot ladder, which was resting against the wall. To my left was a floor-to-ceiling window, and when I looked over, I noticed this ridiculously hot woman in a really short skirt and high boots. Just as she walked in front of the window I tried to get a better look, I leaned over, and lost my balance. I toppled off the ladder and landed on the floor, right in her line of vision. Luckily, the only thing injured was my pride.' - Damian*, 27

If The Shoe Fits
'I went out to celebrate my buddy's birthday and, after a few rounds too many, headed to my girlfriend's apartment to crash. I woke up hungry a couple of hours later and decided to run to the shops to pick up some food. In my drunken stupor, I kicked off my shoes, and I had no idea where they were. I couldn't go outside barefoot, so I grabbed a pair of my girlfriend's shoes: pink fuzzy boots. I knew I looked ridiculous, but I figured I wouldn't see anyone I knew. But as I was crossing the street, I spotted a few co-workers. I tried to turn so they wouldn't see me, but it was too late. They waved awkwardly and stared as I walked into the shop. I can only imagine what they were thinking, seeing me walk around the city at 2am in boots that looked like Muppets.' - James*, 22

Oh, Crap!
'For years, I'd had a crush on this girl I went to school with. One day, I finally got up the courage to ask her out. I waited for her outside class with a plate of slap chips, thinking we could have a snack together on the quad. She walked out of the building, and as I approached her, a bird crapped right in the chips and all over my shirt. I tried to come up with a joke but I just stood there, looking like a moron. She gave me a disgusted look and walked away. Not only did I blow my chances with her, but I also had to go to class with bird crap on my clothes.' - Brian*, 22

*Names have been changed

<<<Go Back To Part One

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Tue, 26 Feb 2013 12:00 +0200
Embarrassing Guy Moments (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/embarrassing-guy-moments-part-one
A Hard Morning
'I had an early flight on a Sunday morning. Since I was travelling with only a backpack full of clothes, I decided to go out Saturday night, bring my bag along, and then take a cab straight from the bar to the airport. I got to my gate at about 4 in the morning and lay down on some chairs to catch some sleep until boarding time. I woke up several hours later, surrounded by about 100 people. Unfortunately, I'd been in the middle of a hot dream, and I had a bad case of morning wood. A group of old ladies gave me really dirty looks before I jumped up and ran to another gate to hang out until it was time to board my flight.' - Chris*, 24

The Naked Chef
'I often stay at my girlfriend's house on weekends. One morning after sleeping over, I offered to make her breakfast. She was out of eggs and left to go buy some. Two minutes later, I heard a car pull into the driveway, and I decided to give her a funny surprise. I pulled off my boxers, grabbed a frying pan, and put it over my crotch while I waited for her in the kitchen. As I heard the front door open and close, I put on a big cheesy grin, thinking she'd get a kick out of my joke. But a moment later, her mom walked in! She screamed at the sight of me and ran out of the kitchen. Apparently, she'd been in the neighbourhood and wanted to drop off a few things for her daughter. She hadn't seen a car in the driveway and decided to let herself in. I threw on some clothes, and we laughed it off… but she must have shared the story, because the next time I went to my girlfriend's parents' house for dinner, her mom handed me a pan, and everyone cracked up.' - Alfie*, 36

Touch Of Evil
'I don't go to church, but my girlfriend comes from a really religious family, so I'm always on my best behaviour around them. When we went to her niece's baptism, I felt like I was finally winning over her typically not-so-accepting relatives. We attended the church service, then went to her sister's home for lunch. During the meal, I excused myself to go to the bathroom, but my girl's 10-year-old cousin walked in on me as I was finishing up and shaking myself off. When I got back to the table, he stood up, pointed at me, and said "Michael was sinning in the bathroom. He was wiggling around and touching himself!" Apparently, he had just learned about the "sin" of masturbation at church class and thought that's what I was doing in the bathroom.' - Michael*, 31

XXX Marks The Spot
'I live in a co-ed dorm at res, and there are always people hanging out in my room. One evening, the group happened to be all female. We were having a good time, and someone brought up a really funny YouTube clip she'd seen. She went over to my computer and opened the browser. It popped up, and everyone saw the last site I had been looking at: a porno, paused during a very graphic moment. I had been waiting for it to load and, instead of closing it, had minimised it. I closed it as quickly as possible, but not before all the girls saw it.' - Greg*, 20

Downhill From Here
'I went on a ski trip with a bunch of friends and invited the girl I liked. We skied together in the morning, then took a break for lunch. Everyone in our group was eating outside, but I wanted some alone time with her and suggested eating in the lodge. There weren't any tables available, so I went to grab two big wooden chairs.
I came back carrying both - trying to impress her - but when I went to put them down, one slipped and fell on her foot. She had taken off her boots, and the weight of the chair broke two of her toes. She went home early, and I later found out that she'd told everyone I'd been following her around like a puppy all day and she was almost glad the broken bones had put an end to it.' - James*, 22

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 19 Feb 2013 12:00 +0200
Dude Disasters (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/dude-disasters-part-two
Bitchy Switch
'My living situation was ideal until my flatmate's girlfriend moved in. I can't stand her, and it pisses me off that she doesn't contribute to the rent or living costs. She suffers from bad acne and uses expensive face cream on her zits. One day, I was in an especially bad mood. I waited until she and my flatmate were out, then I went into the bathroom and emptied her acne lotion bottle, refilling it with oily, pore-clogging sunblock. The consistency and odour were very similar, and she must not have noticed the difference because about a week later, she had a fierce breakout.' - Wesley*, 20

Class Act
'I recently took a class that was way over my head. Faced with the prospect of failing, I decided to befriend the teacher's pet, who was a total nerd. I asked her if she wanted to study together, and she agreed. Throughout the term, I came up with excuses not to meet her, but she always gave me notes anyway. I even sent her flirty messages to make sure she didn't realise I was using her. After the final exams she kept phoning me. I couldn't bear the thought of hanging out with her, so I told her that my great-aunt had just died and I didn't want to get attached to anyone at the moment. The next day, she sent me biscuits with a note that said she was sorry. I got a good mark, and the biscuits were excellent.' - Vincent*, 23

Couching The Truth
'Some family friends of mine were going away on holiday, and they asked me to house-sit for a couple of weeks. One night, I invited a few of my friends over to watch the huge, flat-screen TV. We were all smoking and drinking in the living room. At some point during the night, someone must have dropped a cigarette on the leather couch, because when I was cleaning up the next morning, I saw the damage. When the couple got home, I told them that I had seen the cleaning lady smoking and just thought they should know about it.' - Mark*, 21

Captain Klutz
'During my final year I was the captain of the rugby team. At the end of the season, there was a dinner for the players and their families. I was supposed to give a speech, and I was excited since it was my last opportunity to address the guys as captain. But as I was walking up to the podium, my foot caught on the strap of a woman's bag, and I fell into a table, bringing plates down with me. Once everyone saw that I wasn't too badly injured, they burst out laughing. The worst part was that the school news crew was covering the event, and they captured my fall on tape. It was only a matter of time before my teammates got hold of the footage and passed it around.' - Gregory*, 23

*Names have been changed

<<<Go Back To Part One

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Tue, 12 Feb 2013 12:00 +0200
Dude Disasters (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/dude-disasters-part-one
Plan B: Phone Home
'Recently, my girlfriend was over, and things started getting hot and heavy in my bedroom. Soon we were totally naked, so I put on a condom, and we began to have sex. A few minutes into the deed we realised that the condom had ripped. Since my girlfriend isn't on the Pill, we were both pretty freaked out. Without saying anything, she reached for her cell and dialled her mom, who is a nurse. She explained what had just happened - in detail - and asked what we should do. I was so mortified that I avoided her house for weeks.' - Chris*, 26

Relatively Raunchy
'My long-distance girlfriend lives with her family, and when I visit, her parents insist that we sleep in separate bedrooms. The last time I was at her house, I was checking my e-mail from the family computer. My buddy had sent me a message that read, 'Since you won't be getting any, you might need this.' There was an attached link. I clicked on it, and - no surprise - it was a hardcore porn website. I made sure to erase the history but later that day, my girlfriend's dad pulled her aside to talk about some "inappropriate pop-ups." He asked her if I might have been looking at porn, and she got upset and defensive and her dad decided it must have been her youngest brother. Obviously, her brother denied it but he was punished anyway, and my girlfriend's parents still think I'm an angel.' - Elian*, 18

First-Time Fib
'I met this hot girl at a campus party and ended up taking her back to my place. We started kissing, one thing led to another, and we had sex in the missionary position. I was pretty out of shape and was breathing really hard from all the strenuous activity. She must have been able to tell that I was having a rough time, because she asked me what was wrong. I lied and said that it was my first time having sex and I was nervous since I wasn't sure that I knew what to do. She told me to lie back and relax, got on top, and did all the work.' - Jason*, 22

Wood You Look at That!
'The matric farewell is a big deal at my school, and everyone goes to the dance. I showed up with my friends, but since I'm kind of shy, I stood off to the side. My older brother was there too, and kept bringing over hot girls to introduce me to. Near the end of the night, two of my brother's gorgeous friends pulled me up onto the stage and started grinding on me in front of everyone. I got so into it that I didn't notice when everyone's cheers turned into laughter. It took me a second to figure out that they were all staring at the boner I had sprung. To this day, my friends call me Woody.' - Matt*, 20

Hit (On) and Run
'I was out at a bar when I met this really cute girl. We both had been drinking quite a bit, and after some flirting and dancing, I ended up going back to her apartment. We started to hook up, but then she just stopped, rolled over and went to sleep. I waited a few minutes, then got up to use the bathroom. On the way through the living room, I stumbled and walked into a bookshelf, knocking over a flowerpot and some picture frames, leaving a huge mess of shattered glass and dirt on the floor. I stood there weighing my options and decided to bolt. She must have been pretty annoyed when she saw what happened, because I got a couple of bitchy messages the next day.' - Ajeet*, 22

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 05 Feb 2013 12:00 +0200
Boy Bloopers http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/boy-bloopers
Hairy Situation
'The career centre at my university insists that sporting a beard during an interview is a faux pas. I thought that was bogus but shaved mine off anyway before I went to interview for my first job, which I was offered and then accepted. Since the guy was young and seemed cool, I said, "I'm wondering, would it have been mattered if I'd had a beard? I got rid of my beard before I came today, but would it have made a difference?" The guy became solemn and said, "If you have a drinking problem, we should reconsider the job." The whole time, he thought I'd been saying beer.' - Sam*, 22

Thong Gone Wrong
'I live in my own place, but it's near my parents' house, so I drop off my laundry there and my mom does it for me. One weekend, I swung by to visit and asked if my clothes were clean. My mom raised her eyebrows and said, "Oh yes, they are." I followed her into the laundry room. "I hope this gets returned to whomever it belongs to," she said. She reached into the basket and pulled out a red leopard-print thong - from a girl I'd hooked up with a few weeks before. I started sweating immediately and tried to explain away the undies. My parents know I don't have a girlfriend, so I'd totally blown the cover on my late-night activities.' - Paul*, 27

Wet 'n Wild
'My buddies and I were staying in a hotel during a boys' trip. At night, we were getting rowdy and decided to fill up some water balloons and have some fun. We were launching them from our balcony across the breezeway of the hotel and aiming for trees. Then we saw a light flick on in a room across the way. A man leaned out and started yelling that he was going to come after the person responsible for the water balloon that landed on his bed. Apparently, he'd left his window open, and we had shot the balloon right into his room. We scrambled off the balcony, but it only took an hour for the manager to come and kick us out of the hotel. In the middle of the chilly night we had to wander around with all our stuff and try to find a place to stay.' - Richard*, 26

How Do You Spell 'Dirty'?
'My girlfriend's family is really into Scrabble. One night after a family dinner, we all sat down to a game. Her parents and brother are excellent players, so I felt pressured to get a high score. At one point, I looked down at my letters and realised I had the perfect combo to spell queef on the board. It was risky, but I was so intent on getting a high score that I lost track of all rationale and put down the word. But the minute I did it, I regretted it - my girlfriend had a look of horror on her face, and her brother shook his head and laughed. Both of her parents looked confused, and her dad said, "Hmmm, I'm not sure I'm familiar with this one. Let's go look it up.' Before I could stop him, he'd typed the word into a search on the Internet. The game ended abruptly after he discovered the definition and I'd made the whole family painfully uncomfortable.' - Chris*, 31

She Said She was a Dancer...
'When a girl at a bar told me she was a dancer, I tried to impress her by talking about random facts I had heard about ballet. She nodded politely while I babbled. Finally she said, "I'm actually an exotic dancer, but thanks so much for all that info about ballet. It's great you're in touch with your feminine side." That put a swift end to the conversation.' - Kevin*, 25

*Names have been changed


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Tue, 29 Jan 2013 12:00 +0200
Caught With Their Pants Down http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/caught-with-their-pants-down
Shallow Shag
'I went on holiday with a friend's family including her hot, male cousin. When everyone else was inside we snuck out to the pool to hook up. I guess we had been gone for a while, because everyone was worried and turned on the pool lights to try and find us… which they did, naked, having sex, in the shallow end.' - Karolyn*, 31

Arrested Development
'My boyfriend and I were waiting for his friend to get off work, so we parked behind the building and started hooking up to pass the time. All of a sudden, lights from a car shined toward the windshield, and my guy gave them the middle finger, thinking it was his friend. Then there was a knock on the window. It turned out to be a policeman, and he told us to get dressed and get out of the car. He was still chuckling as he reviewed our IDs, and I realised I had forgotten to zip up my pants, so he could see everything down there. I blushed for a week, but at least we only got a warning.' - Brittany*, 20

Not So Handy, Man
'My guy and I were having monkey sex in our living room. We were nearly done when the doorbell rang. I realised a few seconds too late that it must be the landlord, who had been promising to fix the heater for weeks. He had keys, so he unlocked the door and saw my ankles practically behind my head. I screamed that he should come back in 15 minutes, but of course, he didn't show.' - Chantal*, 22

Booby Trap
'I was at a house party with my boyfriend, and while people were in the garage hanging out, we left to fool around in a wooded area right next to the garden. It was super hot-and-heavy until we heard a voice yell "I see a boob!" It turned out, the host's little brother was testing out his new night-vision spy gear and later told his mom every single little detail he saw. I'm not sure who was more traumatised, me or the kid.' - Elizabeth*, 25

Disaster In Store
'My boyfriend was helping load things into a moving van from my storage unit when he suggested we "christen" the furniture. We closed the door and went at it, thinking no one was around. After we were done, we emerged to see the facility manager just standing there smirking. To my horror, I recognised him as a regular at the restaurant where I work. Even worse - he now goes out of his way to sit in my section!' - Kelly*, 22

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 22 Jan 2013 12:00 +0200
How He Really Feels... http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/how-he-really-feels
'I'm given way more information than I want. It's a huge turn-off being friends with her because she's too comfortable with showing me every crude, foul, and disgusting habit she has. Worse, it makes me wonder if every girl has the same habits.' - Richard*, 27

'When her hormones go haywire, she'll come to me happy one minute and crying the next. I mean, I guess it's nice that she lets me see that side of her, but I kind of just want to explain to her that dealing with that is not my job.' - Ross*, 25

'She always asks my opinion about which outfits look best on her. Well, I don't necessarily tell her which ones look best. I pick whichever outfits give me the best opportunity to check her out for the rest of the night.' - Gary*, 29

'I'm not as good as her female friends are at picking up on when she's feeling sad or anxious, so I wish she'd be direct with me instead of hitting me with girl code. Once when she told me she spent the night eating ice-cream, I told her that it sounded awesome instead of realising she was depressed.' - Charl*, 23

'I was out one night with her and all her girlfriends, and when the waiter came over, she ordered a pitcher of pink cocktails for the table without even thinking about the fact that I might want a beer instead. It's moments like that when I want to remind her that I have a penis.' - Ed*, 28

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 15 Jan 2013 12:00 +0200
The Whole Truth… According To Guys http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/the-whole-truth-according-to-guys
'Anytime she tells me about stupid or disgusting things her boyfriends do, I act horrified and grossed out because I assume that's the kind of reaction she wants. But I'd like to explain that I, like most men, am actually guilty of doing the same crap to my girlfriends, so she may as well get used to it.' - Daniel*, 23

'She dismisses every guy she meets if she doesn't feel a spark immediately. I can tell she expects this big magical thing to happen when the right one comes along, as if she's in some romantic movie. I'd like to tell her that's not real life, but then she'd just end up dismissing me.' - Patrick*, 30

'She's not a gold digger, but she always seems more attracted to men who offer financial security instead of an actual fulfilling relationship. I know one day, she's going to have everything she could ever want - except an emotional connection.' - Victor*, 25

'Whenever she's with a guy, she interprets his every action as proof that they're meant to be. Her girlfriends may agree with her, but the truth is, the more she talks about fate around guys, the more she's scaring them off.' - Josh*, 26

'I'll be honest: When she's on the fence about whether or not she should keep dating a guy, I focus on the negative so that she dumps him. It's not that I don't want her to be happy, but I figure that if she's not sure, she may as well start fresh… and consider me.' - Neil*, 25

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 08 Jan 2013 12:00 +0200
Proposals Gone Seriously Wrong! http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/proposals-gone-seriously-wrong
Ring Around The… Ouch!
'I was ecstatic when my boyfriend of three years proposed. He took me out to dinner, and the actual proposal was really emotional and touching. Even better: he invested in a serious rock for me. When he went to slip it on my finger, it was a little small, but I was so excited that I forced it on. Within an hour, my finger had swollen to twice its normal size, and the ring wouldn't come off. When my finger turned blue, my fiancé dragged me to the emergency room. The doctor took one look and said he would have to cut off the ring. I cried the entire time. Luckily, we were able to get a bigger band for the diamond the following week.' - Samantha*, 27

Lovesick
'I love my girlfriend and knew she was The One. But for some reason, I got nervous whenever I thought of asking her. Finally, I decided to put my fears aside and just do it. One night, I asked her to go on a walk with me, and then I got down on one knee. I blurted out the question, and she said yes and started crying. All the emotion and nervousness got the best of me because as she was jumping up and down, I bent over and threw up. We have been married for a year and can laugh about it now, but it was a sore subject for quite some time.' - Edward*, 29

Altar-nate Plans
'I wanted to ask my girlfriend to marry me at 12.01am on her birthday. Weeks in advance, I let her sister know my plan and told her to expect an excited phone call shortly after I popped the question. The day before my girlfriend's birthday, I went to pick up the ring from the jeweller. I was bummed when they told me it wasn't ready yet and decided to postpone asking her. That night, she and I still went out, and when I went to the bathroom, my girlfriend happened to call her sister, who picked up and screamed, "Congrats, bride-to-be!" I had forgotten to fill her sister in on the change of plans, and the surprise was totally ruined.' - Tim*, 32

Gold Digger
'My guy and I had been dating for about a year when we decided to go on holiday together. After a romantic dinner on our last night, we took a stroll on the beach. I was thinking about how much fun we were having when I looked down and saw that he was holding a ring in front of me. We hadn't been together for very long, and I was so shocked that I screamed, causing him to jump and drop the ring. When he went to get it, it was buried in the sand. We spent 10 minutes digging it up before I could say yes.' - Jess*, 30

Indecent Proposal
'My boyfriend called and told me to meet him at his place for a date. I was running late, so I decided just to go over first and then get ready - I leave plenty of makeup and clothes there. I drove over in my PJ pants, with my hair in a ponytail, and wearing no makeup. When I walked in, my entire family was standing there, and my guy was on one knee. Flashes started going off as my two sisters began taking pictures. All I could think about was how terrible I looked for one of the most important moments of my life. I actually started crying. Thankfully, everyone thought it was because I was happy.' - Erica*, 23

In The Doghouse
'My girlfriend really wanted to get a puppy, but I told her I didn't think we were ready for that responsibility. About a year later, I knew I was ready for our relationship to go to the next level, so I planned a sweet surprise for her. I picked out the perfect ring, then found a breeder and bought a baby golden retriever. One day, when she wasn't home, I brought the dog there and tied the ring around its neck with a thick pink ribbon. I figured that she would come home, the puppy would run up to her, and she'd find the diamond. Well, she got home, found the puppy, and was thrilled… but when I wasn't looking, the dog had pawed the ribbon off its neck. We had to ransack the entire house to find the ring.' - Mike*, 31

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 18 Dec 2012 12:00 +0200
The Truth According To Your Guy Friends http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/the-truth-according-to-your-guy-friends
'I want to crack up when I watch her get ready to go out because there's so much unnecessary thought involved. Thing is, I think she enjoys spending two hours picking out the perfect dress, so I hold back from telling her all she needs to do is smell nice and show up.' - Evan*, 28

'I cringe when she tells guys she's flirting with that she's "into bad boys". Doing that only makes them think that they can act more like dogs because that's what she apparently wants.' - Stanley*, 24

'One thing I'd like to tell her is that she shouldn't tell a new guy how close she and I are. All he'll think is that there's something going on between us, so he might bail because he doesn't want any excess baggage to deal with.' - Joe*, 30

'For some reason, she always feels like she has to go drink for drink with guys when she's out, but it leads to her either making a bad impression or getting in awkward situations. It's kind of a turn-off when a guy has to pour you into a taxi instead of kissing you good night.' - Jacob*, 31

'She'll mouth off more to strangers when I'm around than she would if she were by herself. I'd love to tell her that just because I'm a guy, it doesn't mean I can beat up any dude who gives her trouble, but I don't want to come off looking like a complete wimp.' - John*, 27

'She tries to impress me by talking about sport and being really into guy stuff. I love that she is - that's why we're friends - but it's hard telling her that overdoing it isn't sexy. It's like a guy being really into fashion, facials, and crying a lot.' - Samuel*, 34

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 11 Dec 2012 12:00 +0200
Just a Buddy? http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/just-a-buddy
'She sometimes changes her clothes in front of me before we go out, and it drives me nuts. Half of me wonders if she's doing it to prompt me to make a move, but the other half of me is too scared that I'll completely destroy our friendship by misreading her signals.' - Jason*, 29

'We're exercise buddies, and getting through a workout without pitching a tent is almost impossible. She wears these skimpy shorts and makes these cute little grunts and pants that leave me daydreaming about having a much different kind of workout with her.' - Richard*, 36

'We watch movies together all the time, and when there's a sex scene, I can't help but think about us turning off the movie and just doing it right there on the couch. But I'd never bring it up, even though I'm dying to know if she's thinking of crossing that line, too.' - Steven*, 20

'She knows that I'm a boob guy, and on nights when we're going to hang out, she wears something that makes her chest really stand out. I want to ask her if she's doing it to tease me or giving a friend a free show.' - Lihle*, 22

'When she tells me about her sex life, I try to act mature and offer advice, but in reality, it's a total turn-on. It's also torture. If you don't want your guy friend to come onto you, don't tell him any details about what you do when you're naked and sweaty.' - Peter*, 25

'Because she's not into me sexually, she apparently thinks that she can be really physical with me when we're out. But every time she gives me some out-of-nowhere hug or affectionate kiss on the cheek, I can't help but get turned on and wish she would make more of a move.' - Karl*, 29

'If she's angry with someone, she'll smack her butt as if she's telling them to kiss her ass. I know she's fuming when she's doing it, but I secretly think it's hotter than hell - especially when she smacks it hard.' - Oliver*, 20

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 04 Dec 2012 12:00 +0200
What Guys Hide http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/what-guys-hide
'I hate it when a girl introduces me to someone and feels like she has to immediately blurt out, 'We're just friends!' I mean, it's like she's basically telling that person she's not desperate enough to date me.' – Dave*, 31

'She has this running joke that if she's not married by 30, she's going to marry me. It's cute and all, but it stings because she makes it sound like I'm only good enough to be a backup. Plus, she apparently assumes I'll be single and lonely.' - Steve*, 29

'I'll never say it, but it really pisses me off when she rattles off all the qualities she's looking for in guy. I would love to explain to her that she's blind, because most of the things on her list describe me to a T.' - Eugene*, 30

'She dates other men and has other male friends, but whenever I talk about another girl, she gets cranky. If she's not interested in me as a boyfriend, it's not fair that she dumps all this guilt on me for doing the same things she does.' - Brett*, 27

'It's confusing every time she gets her heart broken by some idiot. She comes to me, asking for advice, but I'm never sure if she's looking for me to sweep her off her feet and make everything okay.' - Bobby*, 32

'She's a great friend, but she needs to stop cock-blocking me. We'll be at a bar and if another girl starts flirting with me, she rolls her eyes and acts snotty. She should be wrangling girls for me, not scaring them away.' - Patrick*, 21

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 27 Nov 2012 12:00 +0200
Girl Power http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/girl-power
She Got Game
'My friend and I were hogging the pool table at a bar when two guys asked if they could play too. After a few games, boys versus girls, I noticed that the guy I had my eye on was using a touch-screen. I lied and told him I was thinking about buying one and asked if I could look at it. I proceeded to store my number in his phone as Pool Girl, but I didn't tell him. Two weeks later, I received a message that read 'Want a rematch, Pool Girl?' - Angela*, 24

Bed Buddies
'One day, my flatmates and I received a magazine in the mail that was addressed to a guy we figured was the previous resident. Of course, we immediately checked Facebook, and the guy was insanely hot. So I sent him a message saying he should come get his magazine. Well, he wrote back and asked me to bring it to a party his friends were throwing. When I got there, we started talking and figured out that he'd had the same bedroom as I do when he lived in the apartment. I made a bold move and invited him back so he could visit his old room.' - Zodwa*, 21

Coffee Talk
'I had a huge crush on the guy who worked at the café near my apartment. My friends kept telling me I should write my name and number on a napkin, but I wanted him to make the first move… or at least think he was making the first move. Whenever I'd get my mocha, I'd casually chat with him and then go sit down and make sure his female co-worker saw me shooting him lustful glances - she wore an engagement ring, so I knew that wouldn't be an issue. Sure enough, as I'd hoped, she told him that I was checking him out. He asked me on a date, and now I get a discount on mochas!' - Emily*, 25

Straight To The Point
'I was working on a short-film project that a friend of mine was doing, and the crew sat down together to eat lunch. One of the guys sitting with us was gorgeous, and almost without thinking about it, I caught his eye and asked, 'Has anyone ever told you that you're sexy?' He was so taken aback that he didn't even respond, and everyone else at the table started laughing. He found me later that day, though, and we soon started dating.' ¬- Ilana*, 21

Lusty Lie
'I went to a massive party at a beach house with a bunch of girlfriends and immediately noticed a really hot guy. I managed to strike up a conversation while we were both standing at the makeshift bar outside, and my friends slowly scattered. I waited until none of them were in sight and then said, 'Oh no! My friends left without me.' He told me not to worry and that he'd take care of me.' - Katy*, 27

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 20 Nov 2012 12:00 +0200
Boy Buffoons (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/boy-buffoons-part-two
Super Soaker
'I had just started dating this girl who lived a few hours away and was excited to visit her. I decided to make the drive in one long trip and had a bunch of caffeinated drinks to keep me awake. When I finally got to her place, I quickly said hi and then rushed to use her bathroom - all those drinks made me really have to go! My legs had fallen asleep from sitting in the car so long, so I didn't notice that I had sprayed all over my pants until it was too late! I had nothing else to change into in the bathroom, so I had to go back out in my boxers - which had somehow remained dry - and nonchalantly stuff my wet, balled-up jeans in my bag. It was awful having to explain that I had peed all over myself.' - Carl*, 32

King Of The Hill
'I was at a ski resort on holiday when I saw a group of cute girls on the lift. I was at the top of the mountain and waved to them before I took off down the slopes. I was flying down the mountain, looking like a pro, when I suddenly flipped over and went tumbling practically the rest of the way down! I could hear everyone on the lift - including the girls - start gasping and giggling at me.' - Shamir*, 20

Mouse Meltdown
'One of my co-workers thought it would be funny to put my office supplies in jelly. It wasn't. Everything on my desk was sticky for months. After washing my stapler yet again, I decided to get her back. While she was getting coffee one day, I plugged another mouse into her computer and strung it around her desk. Every time she tried to click on something, I moved the mouse slightly so that she'd never click on the right spot. She freaked out and started screaming in front of everyone. I unplugged the mouse later and still haven't fessed up to being the cause of her psycho episode.' - Mark*, 22

Diagnosis: Terminally Clumsy
'I used to work for a lab, and my job was to take X-rays of patients who came to the emergency room. Basically, I had to start the X-ray machine, and then run out as quickly as possible. One day while I was running back and forth, I tripped. Not only did I completely wipe out while all my bosses were watching from the next room, but I knocked over a really expensive piece of equipment in the process. I've never been more mortified.' - Andy*, 23

*Names have been changed


<<<Go Back To Part One

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Tue, 13 Nov 2012 12:00 +0200
Boy Buffoons (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/boy-buffoons-part-one
Dude, I Lost Your Car
'I was out with some friends when I realised I had forgotten something at home. Luckily, a friend let me borrow his car to run out and get it. I came back right away, and we continued the festivities. When we went to leave the bar later that night, though, I realised I had no idea where I'd parked my friend's car. We couldn't find it anywhere! We had to get a lift home and didn't find the car until four days later, when we were randomly driving down a street and saw it sitting in a parking lot. Luckily for us, it was a distinctive model! While it was missing, I had to drive my friend every single place he wanted to go. He'll never let me live it down.'
- Thabo*, 34

Holey Matrimony
'I had to go to a friend's wedding, so I bought a new suit that I thought looked good on me, and I was excited to show it off. I took it in to get it hemmed before the wedding, and the tailor said that I probably should have gotten a bigger size. I didn't think much of it since he altered it for me, and I flew out to the wedding. At the reception, I was dancing and having a great time. I was the centre of attention on the dance floor because of my sweet moves. Then, all of a sudden, I felt my pants split. Everyone watched as I awkwardly untucked my shirt to try - unsuccessfully - to cover it up.'
- Sean*, 26

Office 'Job'
'I was doing some last-minute things in the back room of the shop where I worked when I got an e-mail from a friend saying I should check out a video. When I clicked the link, a naked brunette appeared on my screen. I laughed at first, but then I started getting really turned on. Since I was the only one still in the store, I decided to, er, enjoy the alone time. Before I knew it, I had gotten off right there in the office. I secretly treasured the hot experience until the next week, when my boss confronted me about 'inappropriate behaviour.' When I asked her what she meant, she turned red and said that they had installed new hidden cameras a few weeks earlier because we had a theft problem. My boss had caught me on camera… and had seen the whole thing!'
- John*, 22

Sorry, Wrong Bed
'One night, I was hooking up with this sexy girl at res, and for some reason, things weren't working properly. I realised it was because I had to go to the loo, so I excused myself and quickly left for the men's room. After I relieved myself I felt much better. When I got back to her room, it was pitch-black, but I managed to take off my clothes and find her in bed. I felt around and grabbed her bum. Then she jerked upright, smashed into my face, and screamed. I had no idea what was going on until a light switched on and - to my horror- I realised it was a different girl - I had gone into the wrong room by mistake!'
- Dylan*, 24

Whore-ible Co-worker
'I was working at a clothing store over the holidays one year, and this cute girl from school I had a crush on also worked there. She kept joking around with me, and I was so excited that she seemed to like me too. After about a week of flirting, she started asking me to switch shifts with her, I agreed to work her late shifts for the next two weeks. It sucked, but I didn't mind… until I came in early one day and overheard her telling another girl that she had just been playing me to get my shifts and really liked a few other guys. I was so annoyed. Since I worked in the back, I had access to an unlimited amount of censors that make the alarm go off when you leave a store. When my ex-crush was sent to do something one day, I grabbed her bag and pinned more than 20 censors inside it so that she couldn't immediately see them. When she left that day, it took her almost 45 minutes to find all the censors and get them out of her bag. The best part? She still doesn't know who did it!'
- Wayne*, 22

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 06 Nov 2012 12:00 +0200
Girlie Habits Guys Keep Hidden (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/girlie-habits-guys-keep-hidden-part-two
Waiter, More Umbrellas!
'I love girlie drinks, but I realise what a loser I'd look like if I ordered one at a bar. That's why I enjoy going on tropical holidays and eating at Mexican restaurants - I can order all the fruity cocktails I want without having to take any flack for it.' -Owen*, 27

Gossip Guy
'Whenever my friends and I are drinking together, watching a soccer game or just hanging out, we always end up talking about any of our friends who aren't there. I like to call it ball busting, but really, it's no different that when women get together and get catty with gossip. Well, maybe there's less giggling.' - Sipho*, 28

Pet Project
'I adopted a long haired-Chihauhua about a year ago. I'd fully intended to get a big, strong, manly breed like a lab or golden retriever, but when I saw this little guy barking at me, he was just too cute to pass up. I still had to name him Whisky so that we could both feel a little more macho.' - Sean*, 27

Total Scrub
'I regularly use a loofah in the shower. It's old and tattered, so it's got the same sort of personality as my favourite worn-in hat. At least, that's how I justify it to myself. - Vaneshran*, 36

Tough as Nails
'I get manicures and pedicures. I find them relaxing, and it's a lot better than clipping my own toenails. Of course, heading into a salon and asking for a mani/pedi feels ridiculous, so I choose to refer to it as something else.' - Matt*, 26

Bubble-Bath Boy
'Whenever I'm really stressed, I enjoy soaking in a hot bath. It's so soothing and peaceful, and while I never light candles, I'll admit to throwing in a capful of bubble bath.' – Roger*, 27

Brow Beating
'If I didn't get my eyebrows waxed, I'd look like a werewolf. I don't know why doing that is girlie though, it hurts more than just about everything - except a kick in the balls.' – Steve*, 30

*Names have been changed

<<<Go Back To Part One


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Tue, 30 Oct 2012 12:00 +0200
Girlie Habits Guys Keep Hidden (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/girlie-habits-guys-keep-hidden-part-one
Chick-Flick Trick
'I like a lot of seriously girlie movies. So whenever I burn them onto DVDs, I label them with macho movie names. I have a copy of The Devil Wears Prada that's labelled Rocky Balboa, and the special edition of Mamma Mia is Die Hard With a Vengeance.' - Carl*, 26

Camera Man
'I can never get a good enough idea of how I look from my bedroom mirror, so I set the timer on my camera and take photos of myself to look at before I go out. Oh, I also delete them… immediately and shamefully.' – Andrew*, 24

Boy, Crazy
'If there's a woman I am getting to know and am really into, I save her voice mails and e-mails so that I can analyse them later with my little sister. Even she rolls her eyes at my teenage girl-like behaviour.' – Tom*, 29

Such a Sweetie
'I really like to bake - biscuits, cakes, whatever. The only person who knows that, however, is my girlfriend. I make something whenever we go to a friend's house, but I have her carry it in and tell everyone she whipped it up.' – Paul*, 28

Conceal The Meal
'I eat Weigh-Less meals whenever I'm feeling tubby, but I'm horrified at the thought of anyone finding them in my freezer, so I only buy one at a time, and then I carry the empty box out to the bin on the street as soon as I finish.' - Albert*, 33

Exercise Caution
'I accidentally signed up for a Pilates class at my gym once - yes, it was an accident - but I ended up really enjoying it. Now I go all the time, but I do it at a studio that's 45 minutes away from where I live so that there's no way my friends will see me walk in or out.' – Ziyaad*, 24

His Lips are Sealed
'When I'm in public, I carry around Labello. But at my apartment, I go through pink lemonade lip gloss like crazy. A girl I was dating actually found a tube once. I denied that it was mine even though she then accused me of cheating.' – Brian*, 25

Razor Burn
'When my luggage got lost on a business trip, I had to buy all new toiletries. The cheapest disposable razors I could find happened to be marketed for women, so I gave them a try and… well, I got hooked. From that point forward, I stopped shaving with anything else - I just make sure to hide them under the sink.' – Martin*, 35

*Names have been changed


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Tue, 23 Oct 2012 12:00 +0200
And The Truth Comes Out… (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/and-the-truth-comes-out-part-two
Too Ballsy
'My co-worker's sister came to town and went to happy hour with a bunch of us from the office. We ended up hitting it off and decided to exchange phone numbers. The next day, out of the blue, she messaged me, 'What's your favourite position?' I thought that was a little forward, but I went with it and replied, 'Standing up, from the back. What's yours?' She wrote back 'Loose head prop. What are you talking about?' I was mortified. I had completely forgotten about our extensive rugby conversation the night before.'
- Rich*, 26

Latex Lost
'My first time having sex I finished so quickly that I was embarrassed to tell the girl, so I tried to continue thrusting, but I became soft. A few minutes later, I noticed that the condom has slipped off. In a panic, we began frantically searching everywhere - in the sheets, on the floor, under the pillows. The only other place it could have been was inside her. For what seemed like hours, we both tried unsuccessfully to pull it out of her vagina. We had to go to the emergency room at 3am to get it removed.'
- Justin*, 23

Aunts In His Pants
'I used to be a hockey coach for little kids, and one of the moms was a total MILF. We flirted, and I could tell she was into me. Since she was older and married, I tried to stay away from her. That all changed when she called me out of the blue one day. I thought she had a question about her son's game… but I was wrong. Things progressed, and we started talking all the time outside of practice and games. One day, she invited me to her house and we hooked up. Nothing happened after that so I figured it was a one-time thing. A few months later, I started dating this new girl I really liked. After about two months, she invited me to dinner to meet her family. I met her parents, and everything was going great when in walked the MILF! It turned out that she was my new girlfriend's aunt. We said hi to each other, and no one caught on to the situation, but I felt so bad I ended up telling my girlfriend. She dumped me and got in a huge fight with her aunt.'
- Rob*, 25

*Names have been changed

<<<Go Back To Part One

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Tue, 16 Oct 2012 12:00 +0200
And The Truth Comes Out… (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/and-the-truth-comes-out-part-one
She Was Speechless
'A bunch of my friends were dancing at a club while I was sitting with my extremely shy friend. I tried to convince him to head out to the dance floor, but he kept saying it was awkward to go up and start grinding a girl. I told him to watch me so he could see how easy it was. I spotted two hot girls and decided to make my move. I went to put my arm around one of them, and she suddenly took a huge step back and said, "I don't speak English" in a totally South African way. Her friend looked at my friend and said, "Neither do I". The worst part is that the girls didn't even laugh - they just gave us dirty looks and walked away. My friend's confidence was shot for the rest of the night.'
- Brian*, 30

Peter Parker Poser
'One night at varsity, I dressed up as Spiderman for a themed party. I looked ridiculous, but I managed to work my charm and went home with a cute girl. The next morning I realised I had nothing to wear home except for my skin-tight red and royal blue getup. I knew I would have to make a run for my flat, which was on the other side of campus. When I was halfway, I noticed my chemistry professor walking directly toward me. I casually said "Hi" and kept walking. He gave me a puzzled look and shook his head. I was so embarrassed that I didn't make eye contact with him during class for the rest of the course.'
- Gary*, 23

Exposing Himself
'I logged on to Skype and got attacked by my friend Chris, who immediately wrote "You're such an asshole. I know you hooked up with my ex." I denied it up and down and then called my other friend to tell him all about it. I went into detail about the awesome sex we had… just before realising that I had dialled Chris's number by mistake.' - Ryan*, 26

Gender Offender
'One night, I went out with a bunch of friends and acquaintances. There was a very attractive girl I'd never met before. We started to chat, and after I told her about my job, she explained that her girlfriend worked in the same industry. Since she used the term girlfriend, I figured she was lesbian and felt no attraction toward me. As the night went on, the stories among the group became more R-rated. After hearing a few of my own embarrassing sex stories, any stranger would think of me as a sexually illiterate man. All of a sudden, the new girl spoke up and talked about having the most out-of-control sex with her ex-boyfriend. I just sat there in shock because I had disclosed my most embarrassing sex stories thinking that I had no shot with her.'
- Njabulo*, 24

Mile-High Reject
'One time, I took a five-hour flight and there was this really good-looking girl in my assigned window seat. I was so mesmerised that I took the middle seat instead. I ended up buying her a drink, and we had an amazing conversation. When the plane landed I asked for her number, but she told me she didn't have a cell phone. I believed her until we got to baggage claim and her phone rang.'
- Vincent*, 31

U R Sooo Burned
'One of my friends always tries to make fun of me in front of our friends. I finally got so fed up that I decided it was time to get him back. He asked if he could borrow my laptop to write an essay because his was getting fixed. When I got my computer back, I saw that he had been on Facebook and had forgotten to log out. He'd been messaging the girl he'd been pursuing for weeks, and the last thing she had typed was 'I think you're cute.' So I typed 'To be honest, I'm just not that into you.' That night, we went to a party, and the girl was there. He tried to approach her, but she completely gave him the cold shoulder. I never fessed up, and he's still confused as to why she suddenly stopped talking to him.'
- Craig*, 21

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 09 Oct 2012 12:00 +0200
What He Really Wants To Try http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/what-he-really-wants-to-try
'I love it when a girl puts her hair up in a ponytail before going to work below my belt. It shows that she intends to get hot and sweaty and needs her hair out of her face so she can concentrate on pleasing me.' - Steven*, 30

'A girl I dated in university used to rock a technique I dubbed the 'fire starter'. She would position her hands on either side of my shaft, apply a little pressure, and then run both hands up and down or side by side really fast. It was the combination of speed and gentle force that always brought me over the edge.' - Adam*, 25

'The perineum: that spot between a guy's balls and his and his bum. It's very sensitive. If my girl brushes it lightly with her fingertips or flicks it with her tongue, I'm completely in heaven.' - John*, 27

'An ex used to hang on to lingerie that she would've otherwise tossed for the sole purpose of letting me rip it off her while we were fooling around. The rough, primal feeling I got as I tore away her clothes always put me over the top.' - Martin*, 35

'Most girls don't realise how awesome it is to lick a guy's 'cut lines' - the creases that separate his thighs and his torso. If I'm on my back and a woman is nibbling these sensitive areas, I'll remember her forever.' - Matthew*, 23

*Names have been changed


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Tue, 02 Oct 2012 12:00 +0200
The Sex Moment He'll Never Forget http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/the-sex-moment-hell-never-forget
'One night, I took a walk with a woman I was dating, and we found ourselves in the driveway of a primary school next to a big, thick tree. She smiled and leaned against the tree. I unzipped my fly, lifted her skirt and pushed aside her g-string. That image - and the sensations I felt - will last a lifetime.' - James*, 33

'I was dating a woman who, while really hot, gave me the impression that she was very buttoned-up and reserved. So it was amazing when we were kissing out on the couch one night, and out of the blue, she ordered me to go down on her using the dirtiest, filthiest, most arousing language I'd ever heard. I replay it in my mind at least once a day.' - Tim*, 33

'I'll never forget the time I was at this girl's place watching a big rugby game when she straddled me on the couch. Clothes flew off, and we started going at it. I was trying to please her when she said, 'Don't worry, just watch the game.' So I did exactly that - looking at the TV over her shoulder while she rode me. Wow!' - Siya*, 26

'My ex was a big fan of giving me a reverse blowjob: She would lie on the bed, and I'd get in a push-up position over her. She could use her hand to keep me from going too deep, but I got to control the speed and movement. I wish more girls would give that a try.' - Zander*, 29

'In the middle of woman-on-top sex with my last girlfriend, she suddenly shifted back a bit. I could tell the angle was a lot more pleasurable for her because her face scrunched up in a way I'd never seen before, and then, to top it off, she became wetter than any woman I'd ever experienced. It was like I was witnessing a half-sexual, half-spiritual moment. I'd give anything to relive that.' - Graham*, 31

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 25 Sep 2012 12:00 +0200
Positions He's Dying To Do Again http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/positions-hes-dying-to-do-again
'We were going at it missionary-style when my ex lifted one of her legs and tucked it behind her head while managing to keep me inside her. I was awestruck! The best part was that she really seamed to enjoy it with her leg out of the way like that.' - Darren*, 27

'The best position by far is what I call the 'reverse catcher'. It starts like reverse cowgirl, with the girl facing away from me. But instead of kneeling on the bed, she squats over my manhood. There's so much more up-and-down range of motion. One tip: It's easier for her if she leans forward so she can support herself with her hands.' - George*, 24

'In the heat of the moment, I once picked up a girl off the bed and set her down on a nearby desk. It was the perfect height for me to thrust in and out of her, and she could either lean back a bit with her legs hanging down or lie back and wrap them around my body. I could get inside her really deep, and there's nothing like conquering a whole new piece of furniture!' - Peter*, 26

'I once had this chair; I'd sit in it and my girl would straddle me. While woman-on-top on the bed feels great, in the chair, your bodies are much closer, creating a tighter feel during sex. And you can kiss. Plus, the chair gives things a very teacher-student feel, which allows me to live out an entirely different fantasy.' - Eric*, 30

'It takes a little extra energy, but I like to switch up missionary by putting my legs outside hers so her thighs are pressed together. She loves the way it feels to have her legs immobilised, and for me, it feels so much tighter than usual.' - Nathan*, 32

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 18 Sep 2012 12:00 +0200
Foreplay Twists http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/foreplay-twists
'I love it when a girl puts her hair up in a ponytail before working below my belt. It shows that she intends to get hot and sweaty and needs her hair out of her face so she can concentrate on pleasing me.' - Steve*, 30

'A girl I dated at varsity used to rock a technique I dubbed "fire starter". She would position her hands on either side of my shaft, apply a little pressure, and then run both hands up and down or side by side really fast. It was the combination of speed and gentle force that always brought me over the edge.' - Adam*, 25

'Officially, it's the perineum, but most people know it as the taint: that spot between a guy's balls and his bum. It's very sensitive. If my girl pushes it lightly with her fingertips or flicks it with her tongue, I'm completely in heaven.' - John*, 27

'An ex used to hang on to lingerie that she would've otherwise tossed for the sole purpose of letting me rip it off her while we were fooling around. The rough, primal feeling I got as I tore away her clothes always put me over the top.' - Ivan*, 35

'Most girls don't realise how awesome it is to lick a guy's "cut lines" - the creases that separate his thighs and his torso. If I'm on my back and a woman is nibbling these sensitive areas, I'll remember her forever. ' - Matt*, 23

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 11 Sep 2012 12:00 +0200
Little Things That Get Him Hot http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/little-things-that-get-him-hot
'I had a girlfriend who loved to flash me her underwear. She'd sit across from me on a stool at a bar, crossing and uncrossing her legs just slowly enough so I could get a glimpse, Basic Instinct-style. Then she'd give me this little smirk because she knew she had me.' - Craig*, 28

'I can't explain why, but the sight of a girl biting her bottom lip always turns me on. Doesn't matter if it's because I'm kissing her neck or she's just contemplating something; it's such a smokin' hot look.' - Mario*, 27

'The scent of a woman's skin after she gets out of the shower drives me insane. Seeing her glistening with water droplets and wearing nothing but a towel doesn't hurt either, but that smell is just so clean and sexy.' - Jake*, 32

'A woman I was involved with liked to SMS me discreetly when we were out together. We'd be hanging with friends at a club, and I'd get an SMS that read 'Want U. Let's leave now.' I'd look over, she'd smile mischievously, and only the two of us knew what was up. I couldn't get out of there quick enough.' - Thabo*, 30

'I hit it off with a girl at a bar, and a few drinks later, we were making out intensely in a dark booth. All of a sudden, she grabbed my hair, pushed my head back, and pulled her lips just out of reach. I felt like a hungry dog straining at his leash to get at a steak. It was so intoxicating to have a girl take control.' - Louis*, 27

*Names have been changed


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Tue, 04 Sep 2012 12:00 +0200
Big Boy Blunders (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/big-boy-blunders-part-two
Complete Bust
'As a favour to my aunt, I agreed to take out her friend's daughter who had just moved to town and was lonely. I picked her up but wasn't really feeling any chemistry, so I decided that taking her to a movie would be the least awkward thing for us to do. I had been hanging out with my buddies earlier in the day, watching TV and rating all the actresses based on their boob size. So when some no-name gorgeous actress came onto the screen, I automatically said "Great rack." My date whipped her head around and said "What?" When I stuttered, trying to explain my outburst, she just glared and elbowed me. Later, I got an irate phone call from my aunt about my behaviour.'
- Carl*, 25

Member Of The Cast
'I was in a play at varsity where I had to make a lot of costume changes. Because I was in and out of clothing, I had grown pretty accustomed to just changing in front of people and had little modesty whatsoever about it. After rehearsal one day, I was removing my outfit while talking to a female cast member. I took off my pants and was chatting away when I realised that the flap of my boxers was open. The girl - who was pretty reserved - had an all-access view of my manhood hanging right in front of her eyes. Shocked, she tried to turn her face away, while I quickly scrambled to get dressed. But the damage was already done, and she had seen everything. We basically haven't been able to look each other in the eye since.'
- Ben*, 21

Totally Toasted
'I was really shocked when I got an invite to my ex's wedding in the mail. We hadn't ended on great terms, but she used to be a big part of my life, so I decided to go and bring a girl I had just started dating. I'd spent the day before gardening and, as a result, had bad sunburn. When we arrived at the reception, I felt awkward about the fact that I was attracting attention with my bright red skin… but that was only the beginning. During dinner, my ex got up to make a speech; she seemed a little tipsy and was slurring her words. She started by saying how lucky she was to have found such a great guy. Then she went on about how she used to date losers and mentioned that one of them was at her wedding. She asked me to stand up and went into great detail about why I hadn't been a good boyfriend. Everyone was staring at me the entire time, and my new girlfriend was so mortified she ran out.'
- Ted*, 35

Laughing Gas
'My friends and I scheduled one of our classes together so we could mess around. One afternoon, we were cracking all these jokes to impress some girls in the course. Finally, the professor got us back on topic… and everyone went quiet. But for some reason I could not control myself, and I was trying to bite my lip to keep from laughing really hard. I was so focused on keeping my laughter in that I ended up passing gas in an otherwise hushed room full of people. So I finally did get all the girls' attention… but for the totally wrong reasons.'
- Lihle*, 22

*Names have been changed

<<<Go Back To Part One


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Tue, 28 Aug 2012 12:00 +0200
Big Boy Blunders (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/big-boy-blunders-part-one
For a Good Time, Call...
'My boss came into my office with an important client who had questions about a project. We had an inquiry for a co-worker at another office, so he asked me to turn on the speakerphone and make the call. I had the number saved on speed-dial, so I just pushed the button. I was a little surprised when a woman picked up and said, "Hi, sexy, I've been thinking about what I'm going to do to you tonight." I immediately recognised the voice to be my girlfriend's - I had accidently hit her speed-dial number instead of my co-worker's. The client looked really uncomfortable, and my boss was furious.'
- Andrew*, 23

Dirty Laundry
'I dropped by my girlfriend's house one night while her mom was at work. We started messing around on the bed, but when her dog started barking, we realised her mom was home and walking up the stairs. I wasn't supposed to be there, so my girlfriend told me to hide in the cupboard behind some laundry bags. I sat in there silently while her mom came into the room. My girl made casual conversation, but then her mom said she needed to find a pair of pyjamas that she had left in the cupboard. My girl stammered and tried to come up with an excuse for why she shouldn't look there. Before I knew it her mom had lifted up the bags, and I was exposed. She screamed, "Who is that? Taariq?!" I was so embarrassed, I couldn't even say anything. I just crawled out of the cupboard and left.'
- Taariq*, 18

Cruisin' For a Bruisin'
'I'm not normally a huge Tom Cruise fan, but one night I was home alone and caught Risky Business on TV. After watching it, I was bored, so I dug up a pair of tightie-whities and threw on some shades and a white shirt. I started dancing around my house in that outfit and white athletic socks. I was running really fast through the kitchen, trying to do the perfect slide across the floor, when I lost balance and tripped. Instead of flying, my body slid across the room and into the wall. I looked up and saw my girlfriend standing in the lounge. She had caught the entire performance and was laughing too hard to help me up.'
- Adam*, 27

Lost In Translation
'My brother's a great guy, but he's seriously lacking in common sense, and occasionally, my sister and I gang up to tease him. During a family dinner, we found his cellphone on the counter while he was in the other room. I grabbed it and changed the phone's language to Portuguese. He returned to get it, saying he needed to send a message to a girl he's just started talking to. The look on his face when he opened it and saw strange words everywhere was priceless. He spent three days trying to fix it but was completely unable to navigate his phone. I never told him it was me, and he wound up at the cellphone shop, begging for help.'
- Edward*, 30

Such a Flake
'For several months, I was taking this medication that made my skin extremely dry, but I was lazy about it and never moisturised or any of that girlie stuff. I was walking back from the gym one day when I ran into an ex-girlfriend I still had feelings for. Mid-conversation, she kind of wrinkled up her nose, and she held her expression like that for a while. Finally, she asked me why I was wearing powder on my face. I guess the dryness was so bad I had white, snow-like flakes all over my skin. I didn't know if it was worse to wear powder or have incredibly dry skin, so I just blurted out, "Oh crap, I'm late!" and jogged away as swiftly as I could. I haven't heard from her since.' - André*, 21

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 21 Aug 2012 12:00 +0200
Losers Deluxe (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/losers-deluxe-part-two
Buy-Buy, Baby!
'I'd wanted to ask out this hot girl from one of my classes for a long time, and finally I worked up the courage to do it. A mutual friend of ours told me that the girl loved this restaurant in town, so l took her there. When we got to the restaurant, I was shocked at how high the prices were. I had severely underestimated how much money I would need, and I'd left my credit card in the jeans I'd worn earlier that day. I sweated bullets all throughout dinner waiting for the bill. When it finally came, I put in the cash for my half and told her - mortified - that I didn't have enough money for hers. I tried to explain why I didn't have my credit card with me, but she didn't seem too interested. I felt like such a loser and never asked her out again'
- Julian*, 21

Bare Hug
'While I lived with my parents, I got into the habit of walking around the house naked whenever they were gone. One day, I was home alone and about to hop in the shower. As I walked down the hallway towards the bathroom door, it swung open. My grandma had decided to drop by unannounced! My room was too far away to hurry back easily, so I just stood there in front of her, completely nude. To make things even more awkward, she acted like nothing was wrong, gave me a hug, and made a comment about how much older I looked since the last time she saw me.'
- Richard*, 20

Beer Goggles, Please!
'I decided to take a girl I really liked to my res dance. We had a few drinks and then sat down at our table, where I introduced her to one of my res buddies. Later, he jokingly suggested, "You two should kiss now." She quickly responded, "No, I'm not drunk enough yet."'
- Chris*, 21

DVDevious
'I have this friend who always takes my DVDs and doesn't give them back. One night, he was going on a date, and they were going to watch a movie at his place. Of course, he asked to borrow one of mine, so I came up with a sneaky plan to get him back. When he came by, I handed him a disc and told him it was a total chick flick - the perfect date movie. When he popped the DVD into his machine and pressed play, though, he realised that I'd actually given him something from my porn collection and just put a new label on the disc. Needless to say, he hasn't been able to convince the girl to go out with him again.'
- Rob*, 21

Press 1 for Humiliation
'I had been seeing a girl for a while and decided it was finally time to end things for good. After an evening full of SMSing back and forth - she was trying to convince me to stay together - I broke up with her. The next day, I flew to Durban to meet up with an old friend. The discussion turned to my ex-girlfriend, and I decided to show my friend some of the crazy SMS's I'd received from her. As I was looking for the messages, I kept talking about how glad I was that I'd broken things off. Instead of going into my messages, though, I must have dialled my ex's number, because I accidentally left her a 16-minute-long message about all the reasons I hated her. I didn't find out until the next morning, when I got a SMS from her telling me to go screw myself.'
- Jared*, 39

*Names have been changed

<<<Go Back To Part One

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Tue, 14 Aug 2012 12:00 +0200
Losers Deluxe (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/losers-deluxe-part-one
Fall Of Shame
'One night, I was out having a good time with my friends when this hot girl we were with dared me to jump over a wall. I wasn't going to do it, but then she said she had cleared it easily, and I wanted to impress her. I didn't want to look like a wuss, so I manned up and went for it. I, of course, hit it and fell-face first-onto the pavement. My face was scraped up for the next couple of months. To make matters worse, she told me afterwards that she hadn't really made the leap herself... and I was stupid enough to believe it.'
- Neil*, 22

Wild Things
'I once went on a camping trip with a girlfriend, and it was really romantic. One thing led to another, and we ended up getting it on. It was amazing! But the next thing we knew, the camp rangers had come to our tent, which we had accidentally left open. We got our clothes on just in time and tried to play it cool. Apparently, our neighbours in the camping area had heard screaming and thought someone was hurt. My girlfriend was totally blushing, so the camp rangers figured out exactly what had been going on.'
- Shane*, 35

YouPerv.com
'I had to make my first presentation at work and was really nervous, but it was going surprisingly well. I had brought in my personal laptop to do the presentation because I had everything saved on that computer. I got through all my PowerPoint slides and just had to show a YouTube video to finish. When I typed in the link for the video demonstration, everyone started laughing. I looked up at the screen to find that I'd accidentally clicked on a YouPorn link I had saved in my browser instead of YouTube link - in front of all my co-workers.'
- Andre*, 22

Park-n-Ride
'One night, after I went on a date with my girlfriend, my house-mates wanted to meet up and go out to a bar together. But when I pulled into the parking lot of my flat, my girlfriend suggested we fool around in the car, instead. I wasn't about to argue with her, so I sent a message to my buddies and told them to go on without me. After some awesome car sex, we finally went upstairs. When we opened the door to my flat, everyone was laughing. I tried just laughing with them, but they didn't stop. Finally, one of my house-mates yelled, "Took you long enough!" Apparently, everyone had seen my car pull into the parking lot half an hour earlier- as well as me stepping on the brake lights every time I got, um, excited.'
- Andrew*, 23

Intruder Alert
'I was visiting some friends at a nearby university, and we spent the entire night bar- hopping. I guess I had a little too much fun, because somehow I became separated from the group and got back to the apartment complex after everyone else. When I knocked on the door, no one answered. My friends and I often play pranks on one another, so I used my credit card to jimmy the lock - they'd shown me how easy it was to break in before. When I got inside, I saw a woman standing in front of her family, clearly petrified. I'd gone into the wrong apartment, and she thought I was robbing them! Luckily, she didn't call the cops, but I had to go back the next day to get my wallet and keys, which had fallen out of my pocket. I've never apologised to someone so many times.'
- Thabo*, 22

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 07 Aug 2012 12:00 +0200
Real Boy Bloopers http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/real-boy-bloopers
Horrorscope

'I was reading horoscopes with my girlfriend of more than seven months, and after she read my horoscope, she asked me to read hers out loud. I started reading the Virgo horoscope, but she interrupted me and asked, "Wait, when's my birthday?" I nervously replied, "August 30th." She said, "No, that's Diana's birthday." I had confused her birthday with that of our mutuaI friend - whom I used to sleep with. I was in the doghouse for quite some time after that.'
- Eric*, 19

His Confess Mess
'All my buddies were hanging out when I was on the phone with my long-distance girlfriend. She and l said our goodbyes, and then l began telling my friends the raunchy details of my hookup with another girl at a party the night before. All of a sudden, we heard my girlfriend screaming from the other end of my cell phone. l hung up on her... and when l finally called her back, l acted like nothing was wrong. l proceeded to tell her that she must have mistaken one of my friends' voices for mine. She totally believed it.'
- James*, 26

Breakup Bastard
'l had been seeing this girl for a few months and decided l just wasn't that into her. I hate breaking up with people and figured l'd simply stop calling her. My friends told me that was a bad move, but I just couldn't face her. For a week straight, she kept calling me, SMSing me, and saying she needed to talk to me. Finally, l decided to write her an e-mail. I told her that l didn't think things would work out and that she should really stop calling me so much. A few minutes later, l got a SMS from her that said: "Got your e-mail. I was calling to tell you that my grandma died and l really needed a shoulder to cry on. You're a douche." l felt so horrible. Even worse was that we had a few mutual friends who crapped me out after that.'
- Andrew*, 26

Shower Scum
'l like to keep my boys clean and smooth. Over the years, I've found that female shaving creams and razors are way more gentle than the stuff they make for guys. l usually keep them hidden in my cabinet. One night, l invited this extremely hot girl over to hang out. We started getting it on and then moved things into the shower. Suddenly, she started cracking up. l looked at the shelf and realised l'd forgotten to hide my shaving stuff. She totally started busting my balls. Mortified, l made up an excuse and said they didn't belong to me, but that totally backfired - she thought l had a lot of girls in my shower. She quickly jumped out of the shower, dried off, and left.'
- Tony*, 23

Dirty-Talk Disaster
'My best friend's mom broke her cell phone, so l gave her my old one to use. l made sure to delete all my SMS's and pictures before giving it to her - there were things on there that l didn't want her to see. A few days later, l got a call from her, laughing hysterically and asking who Julia is. Julia was a holiday hookup who had called me late one night and wanted to talk dirty. l had been a little drunk and decided to record the conversation. Apparently, when l deleted the SMS's and pictures from my phone, I completely forgot about the raunchy audio clip l'd saved.'
- Graham*, 24

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 31 Jul 2012 12:00 +0200
Dodgy Sex Confessions (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/dodgy-sex-confessions-part-two
Keyed Up
'A hysterical woman came into the emergency room. She said she had a fight with her boyfriend while sitting in his parked car. She said she had gotten so mad at him that she pulled the key out of the ignition and put it in her vagina so he couldn't drive home! Now, she couldn't locate the key to get it out. I couldn't find it either; so we concluded that it must have fallen out somewhere near her boyfriend's car'.

Go Fish
'A man explained that his girlfriend had tried to take his temperature rectally and "lost" the thermometer. I could actually see the glass tip poking out of his rear end, so I got a padded clamp and gently began pulling. It was a thermometer all right, but one for a fish tank - more than 30 centimetres long!'

Hot Infection
'I was assigned to examine a patient with stomach pain. The woman turned out to be my high school classmate, but instead of being happy to see me, she was mortified. She confessed she wasn't suffering from stomach pain but had gotten something "stuck". Hours earlier, she'd microwaved a frozen hot dog to use as a sex toy. But heating it had softened the hot dog, and it broke off inside her. I removed it, though I doubt she'll look me in the eye at our next reunion.'

Play Ball
'A young couple came in with this story: During sex, the woman had grabbed a medium-size rubber ball and inserted it into her man's back door. The ball became lodged so high in his rectum, they couldn't get it out... and neither could we! The attending doctor contacted a surgeon, but while we were waiting for him to arrive, the man began coughing. The ball came flying out of his butt with enough velocity to ping around the room and it hit the just-arriving surgeon in the head.'

<<<Go Back To Part One

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Tue, 24 Jul 2012 12:00 +0200
Dodgy Sex Confessions (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/dodgy-sex-confessions-part-one
Unscheduled Delivery
'During a thunderstorm, a rescue squad radioed that they were bringing in a young woman with severe menstrual cramps. I was the nurse assigned to take her medical history. Although obviously in discomfort, the woman looked totally healthy. She told me she'd been having normal periods, which was frustrating to her because she and her man had been trying to get pregnant for some time. I reassured her that the gynaecologist on duty would be able to give her something for the pain, but when the doctor came in to examine her, he took one look and said that not only was she pregnant, but she was going to have a baby right then! We rushed her to the maternity floor, and soon after, she delivered a healthy baby girl.'

Sponge-Bath Slipup
'When I was just starting out as a nurse, I had to give a sponge bath to an incredibly hot male patient. I tried to be very professional about it and not embarrass either one of us. But when it was time to wash his back, instead of saying, "Turn over," I accidentally blurted out, "Move over". He gave me a huge grin and said, "Oh, I don't know if there's enough room, but trust me, I'll try!"'

Heart-Stopping Sex
'I'll never forget the time an ambulance brought in a young slacker guy and his girlfriend. They had decided to get it on in his grandmother's garage while she was out of the house. They'd grabbed a tube of what they thought was lubricant from her well-stocked medicine cabinet. Unfortunately, it was nitro-glycerine paste, a heart drug that can cause a potentially fatal drop in blood pressure. When Grandma came home, she found the couple lying on top of each other, unconscious and butt naked. They eventually came to after we gave them oxygen and fluids.'

Stuck On You
'One night, a gurney rolled in carrying a woman in black lingerie – who happened to be straddling a naked man. They told us that they had been doing a lot of drugs and having wild sex when the woman's vagina cramped up and the guy couldn't pull out. The doctor on duty gave her muscle relaxants, and after several minutes, they were able to separate. Then they were promptly arrested on drug charges.'

Toy With Him
'A guy came into the emergency room one night. When the doctor asked him to describe his problem, he reached into his bag, pulled out a sex-toy catalogue, and pointed to a long, curved toy on one of the pages. 'I can show you what's in there,' he winked. 'Now let's see if you can get it out.' The doctor did, after leaving the room to stop laughing so hard.'


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Tue, 17 Jul 2012 12:00 +0200
Boys Bare All (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/boys-bare-all-part-two
How To Lose a Girl In 10 Minutes
'I went to a club with a bunch of my buddies. They all met girls, but no girl seemed to have any interest in me. I spent most of the evening at the bar, throwing back drinks, trying to drown my misery. We finally left to catch a shuttle home, and as soon as we got on, I noticed this hot girl by herself. She smiled, and I sat down beside her and struck up a conversation. I was about to ask for her number when a wave of nausea hit me. I puked on the floor next to her, and until the next stop, she - and everyone else in the car - had to deal with the smell. Obviously, l didn't get her number.'
- Lloyd*, 23

Corporate Karma
'My boss treated everyone at the company like crap. I was so frustrated that I hatched a plan to get her to stop being such a bitch. I called her superior and told her that l was one of the company's clients but preferred to remain anonymous. I explained that I was concerned with her lack of professionalism and I'd heard she didn't treat her employees with respect. I told her superior that if she didn't readjust her attitude, I would seriously consider taking my business elsewhere. I'd only meant for my boss to be reprimanded, but the next week, the head honcho called her in for a meeting and my boss got so upset that she quit!'
- Dave*, 19

The Parent Trap
'I went with my new girlfriend to her parents' holiday house for the weekend. I was nervous about meeting her dad, since she'd mentioned that he was really protective of his only daughter. After a big dinner the first evening, I headed to the guest room. In the middle of the night, I woke up with bad indigestion, so I went to my girlfriend's bedroom - wearing my boxers - to find medicine. All of a sudden, the lights came on. Her dad was standing in the doorway, glaring at me. I tried to explain, but he just told me to go to bed. The next day, he confronted me about interrupting his daughter's sleep just because I was feeling randy. I haven't gone back since.'
- Ben*, 24

Catty Creep
'The girl I was dating was a total animal lover. I can't stand pets, but I pretended to love her cat and brought it treats every so often. When she went away on holiday, she asked me to cat-sit. I was so caught off guard that I said yes. I pretty much ignored the cat for the rest of the week, except to give it food and water. The day before my girlfriend returned, I must have left the door open while taking out the rubbish because when I came back, the cat was gone. I didn't want to seem irresponsible, so I invented a story about how the landlord had come to check the smoke alarms while I was gone and must have let the cat out. She asked me to file a complaint with the building manager. I agreed, but months later, I still haven't done it.'
- Lukhanyo*, 30

*Names have been changed

<<<Go Back To Part One


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Tue, 10 Jul 2012 12:00 +0200
Boys Bare All (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/boys-bare-all-part-one
Slam, Bam, Thank You, Ma'am!
'When I finally found the courage to ask out the girl I liked, I wanted everything to go perfectly. The last guy she'd dated was a douche, and I was determined to show her that I was a good guy. I took her to a fancy restaurant. The dinner went really well, and I could tell she was into me. In the parking lot, I put my arm around her and gave her a kiss. It was a great way to end the evening. I opened her car door to score bonus points for being a gentleman, let her in, then shut it. Suddenly, she let out a scream, and I realised that I'd slammed her hand in the door. We found out later in the hospital that she'd fractured three fingers.'
- Terrence*, 30

Long-Distance Disaster
'My girlfriend studied abroad during her first year. We couldn't talk on the phone very much so we chatted online. Soon that turned into cyber-sex. I would often save our conversations on my laptop as inspiration for my solo action. One afternoon, my friend used my computer while I was in class. He must have found the messages because the next day they were posted all over res and the dining hall with my photo attached. No one let me live down the fact that I called my girl's intimate area a 'beautiful iris.'
- Leo*, 22

Alley Oops
'I was walking through the city and I had to wee, but every shop I went into had toilets for customers only. After an hour, I couldn't hold it any longer. I turned into an alley, unzipped, and started to pee. Just then, I heard someone. I looked up and saw a policeman standing there. It's not too comfortable for a guy to stop peeing once he's started, so I kept going. The officer said, 'I'll just wait here till you're finished.' I stood there taking a leak in front of a policeman while people walked by. And the worst part? He gave me a ticket for R1 200.'
- Aiex*, 19

Hindsight Snafu
'I had been dating this girl for three months, and it was going great until my buddy's bachelor party. After hitting the bars we went to a tattoo parlour, where the husband-to-be got the bride's name on his shoulder. I don't drink a lot, so l was wasted and decided to get my girl's name tattooed on my bum cheek. The next morning I totally regretted it. I tried to hide it from her, but she saw the tattoo when I got out of the shower. She freaked and broke up with me, saying I was moving too fast.'
- James*, 27

Hide and Peep
'I went to a house party with some friends and this girl I really liked. After a while, I announced to my boys that I was going to lose my virginity to her that night. Later, the girl and I went upstairs to the guest room and started hooking up. She was on top of me, and I wanted to show her that I knew what I was doing, so I gave her a slap on the bum. All of a sudden, I heard 'Daaamn!' Turns out, two of my friends had hidden in the cupboard when they saw the girl and me heading upstairs. They witnessed the whole thing, and I gained quite a reputation as an S-and-M master.'
- Kyle*, 21

*Names have been changed

>>>Go To Part Two


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Tue, 03 Jul 2012 12:00 +0200
Owning Up http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/owning-up
Accidental Stalker
'I was browsing through the People You May Know section on Facebook when l came across this girl I recognised, so I requested her as my friend. The next morning, as l was standing in the lift at work, the girl stepped in. l realised then that she had looked so familiar because she works in my building… and that l don't actually know her. Neither of us said anything, and it was one long, awkward ride. Now l see her all the time - even at the deli at lunchtime. She must think I'm such a creep for friending her without ever saying a word to her, and I'm too embarrassed to explain myself.'
- Jongiwe*, 27

He's No Picasso

'My parents were out of town while I was on holiday from varsity, so l had a huge party at their house. My friends and I have this tradition of drawing all over the face of the first one of us to pass out. When we found the poor sucker who was the first to go, we had a field day, drawing all sorts of variations of the male anatomy on his face with a permanent black marker. He wasn't happy when he woke up in the morning, but we all thought it was hysterical. 'When l finally got around to cleaning up, l realised that the marker had bled off my friend's face in his sleep, leaving the imprint of a crudely drawn penis on my parents' brand new couch cushions. I turned them over and prayed they wouldn't discover anything. A few weeks later, l got a call from my irate mother, yelling about how l had ruined her couch.'
- Daryl*, 20

A Big Package
'l was up late one night and saw an ad on TV for penis enlargement pills. Curiosity got the better of me, and l decided to place an order to see if they actually worked. I lived with two flatmates, but the company assured me that the packaging was discreet and that nobody would be able to tell what it was without opening it. Two weeks later, l ended up getting a new job and moving. Soon after, l got a call from my old flatmate regarding a mysterious, unmarked package, and he asked if I wanted him to open it. I told him that I knew what it was and asked him to forward the package to me instead. Weeks went by, and it never arrived, but l never followed up because I didn't want to arouse any suspicion. A few months later, when I returned to visit, my friends threw me a party. About an hour into it, my old flatmates showed up, and as I extended my hand to greet them, they took turns placing a bottle of the enlargement pills in my hand in the middle of the room for everyone to see. Despite the fact that I am more than 1.8 metres tall, everyone I know now thinks I have a tiny package.'
- Anthony*, 28

Sex-Tip Slip
'I typed up a story about this cool sex move I'd invented and sent it to my list of varsity friends… or so I thought. In the e-mail, I went into detail about the Deer in Headlights, which is when both you and the girl you're with stop moving right before you are about to finish. You're both frozen like deer in headlights until the sensation passes, and you can have sex for a longer period of time afterwards. I didn't know that l had sent the e-mail to the wrong list of people until a girl I didn't know responded, 'Thanks for the tip, Vaneshran. I can't wait to meet you next Sunday.' It turns out that I had actually blasted the e-mail to a list for an upcoming event that had about 40 people on it - including at least ten people I had never met.'
- Vaneshran*, 34

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 26 Jun 2012 12:00 +0200
Your Bedroom Performance http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/your-bedroom-performance
'Women who think they satisfy all their boyfriend's desires give themselves way too much credit. Every guy has at least one crazy, perverted or even emasculating thing they're dying to try in the bedroom that they're way too embarrassed to ask for.' – Vic*, 29

'I think it's hilarious when a girl thinks she needs some insane new sex trick to spice things up and rock my world. The truth is she could just stare at my penis and not even bother touching it. So long as she's touching herself while she's doing it, I'm probably going to love every minute of it.' - Adam*, 28

'When a girl gives me oral sex and I'm not getting hard, it sucks to have to lie and say my mind's somewhere else when the truth is, she sucks at it - no pun intended. Women should know the truth: if it's not hard after five minutes max, either we know you're not into it or you're not any good at doing it.' - Tim*, 27

'I was really into my ex, but after sex, she would point out all her body flaws. I know she was just fishing for compliments, but all she did was convince me that she wasn't actually as hot as I thought she was.' - Wesley*, 26

'I hate knowing that most women know how to fake it. It makes me think that half of what I'm doing down there is probably wrong. I'm never sure if I'm truly giving her an orgasm or she's giving me an acting lesson.' - Jacob*, 22

'I purposefully flinch whenever she tries to cuddle after sex, but secretly I love feeling her arms wrapped around me. I just never ask for it because I always feel like a complete wuss admitting that I love basking in the glow as much as she does.' - Dan*, 22

*Names have been changed



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Tue, 19 Jun 2012 12:00 +0200
His Career Quirks http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/his-career-quirks
'I know I'm not as bright as my boss thinks I am, so I do whatever it takes to avoid looking dumb. When I don't know the answer to a question at work, I pretend my cell phone's vibrating with an important SMS from a client. They think I'm replying, but I'm really Googling the answer so I look like a brainiac.'
- Brent*, 26

'I always think about how much less my girlfriend would respect me if she saw what a major suck-up I am with my boss. I tell her how he always relies on me at work, but it's usually to get his lunch or collect his mail at his house when he's on holiday.'
- Rob*, 31

'I'm afraid of getting a hard-on at work at the wrong time. Once, I was talking to this hot intern in my office and popped one, and just then my boss swung by and asked me to lunch. I pretended I was looking for my wallet while he stood there waiting, but I was really fluffing up my trousers so I wouldn't walk out with a tent in my pants.'
- Dustin*, 27

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 12 Jun 2012 12:00 +0200
Boy Balls Ups http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/boy-balls-ups
If The Shoe Fits
'I was staying at my girlfriend's flat after a night out on the town with my friends. In the middle of the night I woke up hungry and decided to duck out to the one-stop-shop. When I couldn't find my shoes I quickly threw on my girlfriend's fuzzy, pink slippers, figuring I wouldn't run into anyone I knew. But as I was crossing the street, I spotted a few of my co-workers. I tried to duck out of their view, but it was too late - they waved awkwardly to me as I went into the shop. I can only imagine what they were thinking, seeing me walking around at 2am in Muppet shoes.'
- Jack*, 22

Bit Of a Balls Up
'l was meeting my girlfriend's family for the first time at a braai. When her dad and uncles suggested a game of touch rugby, I knew it was my opportunity to impress. When I saw my chance to intercept the ball from her uncle, I ran at him and was just about to tag him when I lost my balance and accidentally charged, knocking him over and landing on him. He screamed, and when I got up, he was clutching his knee. He ended up going to the hospital for surgery. I still feel like an idiot every time I see him.'
- Vincent*, 26

Kicking And Screaming
'I was playing soccer with some of my varsity friends one weekend, and a girl l really liked joined us. I was trying to get her attention by showing off my skills, but she kept putting me to shame with fancy footwork and some terrific headers. At the end of the first half, she and l were standing on the field together when the ball bounced way up in the air and started heading straight for us. I went to kick the ball just as she went up to head-butt it, and l ended up kicking her right between the legs. It was absolutely horrendous. She limped off to the university's medical centre, and l faked a foot injury just to get the hell out of there.'
- Bongi*, 19

His Name's Mud
'It was pouring with rain, and the lecture I'd been in had just finished. My friend offered to drive me back to my house so l wouldn't have to walk home in the rain. I had to go down a hill and cross a field to get to his car, and l decided to make a mad dash for it - but as soon as my feet touched the ground, I completely lost my footing. Books and paper went flying, and l violently rolled down the steep muddy hill, destroying my clothes. When l came to a stop, I looked up to see the girls' netball team doubled over in laughter. I got up, humiliated, and bolted to my friend's car. When I made it, not only was he cracking up, but he also refused to let me in because my muddy clothes would "ruin the leather". I walked home covered in slimy mud.'
- Colin*, 20

Down & Dirty
'My girlfriend and I were leaving a party and started kissing as we walked to her car. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. The street was dark and deserted and there was a garbage bin in the driveway, so I sat her on the edge of it and we started having sex. Suddenly, the lid collapsed and she fell in. I had to pull her out of the stinking trash. She was so embarrassed that she insisted we leave right away, leaving her shoes behind in the bin. We didn't go back to get them until the morning when we were sure no one was around.'
- Andrew*, 27

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 05 Jun 2012 12:00 +0200
His Secret Thoughts http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/his-secret-thoughts
'When my girlfriend asks me if I think any of her friends are cute, I obviously say no, but the ones I really like are the ones I tell her are air-heads. Whenever I mock them, my girlfriend defends them by telling me all the cool things they're doing. She fills me in without realising it.' - Shaun*, 24

'Every guy has that fantasy girl in his head who gives him an instant erection. For me, it's this girl I dated in high school who gave me oral sex for the first time. If my girlfriend knew how many times that face has appeared on her body when the lights were off…'
- Ron*, 29

'My girlfriend loves it when I come over all horny and can't wait to rip her clothes off. I tell her it's because I've been thinking about her all day, but really it's almost always because someone flirted with me and got me all worked up.'
- Samson*, 30

'I let the girl I'm dating catch me leering at other girls on purpose early on so she thinks I'm completely obvious when I do it. That way, when I actually am checking out a girl, she has no idea what tricks I have up my sleeve.'
- Steve*, 28

'If it's female and within my field of vision, you can bet I've already imagined what she's like in bed. Even if I've said a girl's nasty-looking, I've probably still asked myself how much alcohol - and how few witnesses - it would take me to man up and do her.'
- Stan*, 32

'No matter how committed I am, I need to have at least one other woman who's into me. It's not that I'm looking for an escape, but knowing I turn someone else on besides my girlfriend makes me feel sexier when I'm with her.'
- Nathan*, 36

*Names have been changed


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Tue, 29 May 2012 12:00 +0200
Filthy Fiends http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/filthy-fiends
'If no one's watching, I don't wash my hands after using the loo, which means every finger probably has more DNA on it than a CSI crime scene. Every time my girlfriend holds my hand or starts kissing my fingers, all I can think about is how she would throttle me if she knew.' – John*, 26

'I'm super sarcastic, and my girlfriend gets annoyed when I joke about topics like her weight or how little she works out. The thing is, she's in great shape - I do it because I'm upset with myself for being a big, fat, lazy load.' – TJ*, 22

'It's extremely gross, but I actually don't mind when I start to stink from not showering if no one's around. If it's been a few days, it almost becomes this guy challenge to see just how rank and offensive I can get before it becomes so foul that even I can't take it anymore.' – Scott*, 32

'Secretly, I'm a big slob, but I have my girl thinking I'm the cleanest guy she's ever been with. What she doesn't know is that every Thursday, my mom stops by my place during her lunch hour and cleans it from top to bottom. And I'm totally fine with it.' – Kevin*, 23

*Names have been changed


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Tue, 22 May 2012 12:00 +0200
His Body Issues http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/his-body-issues
'My feet are incredibly wide, and people comment on how big they are all the time. If I I'm lucky, someone will say it means I have a big penis, but mostly, it just makes me wonder if horrified girls think I look like a penguin or an off-duty circus clown.' - CharIie*, 25

'If I'm stepping out of the shower, changing, or doing anything in front of a girl where she's going to see my goods, I'll quickly think of something dirty or stroke myself so I'm bigger when her eyes head south.' - Vaneshran*, 24

'I act all proud of my beer belly around my girlfriend and her friends - I'll rub it, stick it out, and pat it like a drum. But in reality, I hate that my gut's so out of control. I'd love to admit that I wish it were flatter, but I'm afraid my girlfriend would just put me on her way-too-strict diet to make it happen.' - Bulelani*, 27

'My girlfriend doesn't think I'm that hairy, but I have this ritual I do every month where I'll put my clippers on a short setting and run them all over my lower body - from my bum to my legs to my feet. If I didn't, I'd look like a caveman.' - Chris*, 30

'I hate it when I see a girl's eyes staring at the top of my head. I know she's thinking that my hair looks like crap, or noticing that I'm starting to thin out on top. Either way it makes me curse my genetics and want to reach for a cap.' - Marc*, 29

'Some girl told me I had a flat bum in high school, so ever since then, I always face girls I like from the front and let them walk in front of me so they don't notice it. I even wear shirts that are too long just so I have something to tuck back there to pad my bum so it looks rounder.' - Dave*, 28

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 15 May 2012 12:00 +0200
Guys' Secret Thoughts http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/guys-secret-thoughts
If I ever get the urge to cheat, my best friend and I have this agreement where we’ll SMS each other before we do it. He’s talked me out of destroying my relationship more than once, except one time, when he was angry with my girlfriend for something she’d said or done. That time, he went ahead and told me to go for it. - Oliver*, 25

My girlfriend hates hearing about my past, but she has an ex of mine to thank for my never cheating. When I cheated on my high school sweetheart, I lost almost all my friends in matric, and no one would go out with me. After that, I decided that I’d rather be loyal than be branded. - Thabo*, 27

I know my girlfriend would disagree, but I really don’t consider it cheating unless you go all the way. - Alan*, 26

When I go away on a business trip, I have what I like to call ‘emergency porn’ on my iPad. If I have to head out for drinks with a hot female client, I’ll use it to get myself off as many times as humanly possible before I leave. That way, there’s less chance I will get into trouble when the booze starts flowing. - Doug*, 36

If my little head starts thinking for my big head, I always step away from the situation for a minute to phone my girlfriend and tell her I love her. It makes me feel guilty. I’ve been close to cheating five times, but those calls always kept me from giving myself the green light. If I ever don’t feel guilty, though... - Steven*, 29

I have only one rule: It’s not cheating unless I instigate it. So if some hottie knows full well that I have a girlfriend and seduces me anyway, then whatever happens is entirely out of my control. - Lance*, 21

*Names have been changed


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Tue, 08 May 2012 12:00 +0200
Dudes Dish The Dirt (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/dudes-dish-the-dirt-part-two Unnatural Beauty
‘I was going on a date and annoyed about the huge pimple I had on my chin. I live with my sister, and I decided to dig through her makeup bag. I patted some flesh-coloured stuff over the pimple and was so pleased with how it looked that I used it on some smaller blemishes and other red areas, too. It looked very natural… or so I thought. My date and I went to a sports bar for ribs that night, and after I finished eating, I used the wet towels to wipe my face. I dropped them on the table and realised that they had not only cleaned off the barbecue sauce but also had removed my makeup. My date stared at the flesh-coloured napkins and then at my exposed zit, biting her lip and trying not to laugh.’ - Mike*, 19

Body Issues
I was out one night and struck up a conversation with this really cool girl. One of her friends was tiny, and I made a comment about how petite she was. The girl I was talking to gestured to the height difference between me and her and asked, "What about me?" Without thinking, I said, "Well, she’s more skinny and small; you’re curvy." I meant it as a compliment, but it came out all wrong. Her mouth dropped, so I stammered, "I mean, you’re not curvy, you’re… voluptuous." That was even worse. She looked so insulted, and I was tripping over my words to assure her that being curvy is a good thing, but she wasn’t buying it. She stormed off and told everyone what a jerk I was.’ - Lihle*, 20

Caught, Then Cut Loose
‘My housemate and I threw a huge party, and I invited two girls - one I really liked, and one I kept as a backup. Well, the backup girl showed up first, and we started hooking up. While we were messing around, the girl I really liked arrived and ended up walking into my room and catching me red-handed and bare-bummed. The next day, I phoned my first choice girl and tried to do some damage control by apologising. Her reaction made me feel like I might still have a shot. Feeling cocky, I sent an SMS to my housemate that said, "I think I have a chance with her, 100 percent." Unfortunately, I ended up sending the SMS to the girl instead of my housemate. A few minutes later, she wrote back saying I didn’t have a shot in hell.’ - Morné*, 21

Let's Get Physical
‘I was doing the automatic 5-minute cool down after my run on the treadmill. After each minute, the speed drops, so by the end, I was walking at a very slow pace. When the time ran out, I stopped walking and let myself glide backward, thinking I'd just step off when it stopped. ‘Well, I guess it had one more cycle, because it didn’t stop, and I fell off the end and landed on my hands and knees. A woman nearby screeched, "Oh my God! Are you okay?!" The entire gym was staring at me, even the cute personal trainer I'd had my eye on. I picked myself up and tried to look composed, but it wasn’t easy with the woman next to me going, "I thought you had a heart attack." I’m kind of a big guy, but I don't think I look so out of shape that I could have a heart attack in my 20s.’ -Brian*, 28

*Names have been changed


<<<Go Back To Part One

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Tue, 24 Apr 2012 12:00 +0200
Dudes Dish The Dirt http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/dudes-dish-the-dirt
Totally Twisted

‘I had been dating this girl for a few weeks. We hadn’t had sex yet, just a few cuddling sessions. I was dying to take it further, and one night we ended up totally naked as we were messing around. When she finally asked me to get a condom, l was thrilled. I jumped up, and in my state of excitement my foot got tangled in the sheets so that only one leg made it onto the floor. I completely wiped out, and l can’t even imagine the shot this poor girl must have gotten as I lay, spread-eagled, in all my naked glory. She started laughing hysterically, and my arousal was totally killed. I tried to get back in the mood but couldn’t stop thinking about what an idiot l must have looked like.’ - Philip*, 22

Ride 'Em Cowboy
‘A former girlfriend grew up on a farm and was really into horse-riding. The first time I went home with her, she insisted we go on an outride. I had never been on a horse before and was nervous about it, but I agreed. Halfway through the ride, we came across a fallen tree that was blocking the path. My girlfriend steered her horse around it, but my horse decided to go from a complete standstill to a full on jump over this 90 centimetre log. The horse reared up, and my entire body swung backwards. I slammed my head on its bum before flying forward and smashing my face into its neck as it landed. My girlfriend laughed so hard that I couldn’t help but laugh with her, but in all honesty, I was just proud that I had hung on!’ – Nicholas*, 29

Holy $#&*!
‘I found out that one of my really good buddies had made a play for this girl I'd been dating, and I was livid. It was right before the exams, and he had been holed up every night, working hard on a 20-page paper. The night before the paper was due, I found a spot close to him in the library. When he got up to use the loo, l rushed over to his computer and scrolled through the pages, typing swear words in random places. I figured he'd be too tired at that point to do one last read-through… and I was right. The expletives ended up dropping his marks, and he had to take a summer course to replace it.’ - Dimitri*, 19

Gossip Guy
‘I had a huge crush on this girl, Lisa, back at varsity, and a few years after we graduated, I bumped into her at a party. We started talking, and I was definitely trying to flirt with her. We were catching up when I caught sight of a guy I used to work with who I can't stand. I immediately went off about what a douche the guy is and laughed about how everyone I worked with had hated him. When I finished insulting him, Lisa paused for a moment and then said, ‘That’s my boyfriend.’ There was no talking my way out of that one, so I apologised and then got the hell out of the there.’ - Devon*, 29

Bathroom Humour
‘My co-worker and I have this practical joke war going on - mature, I know. One morning, I was in the bathroom and heard my friend’s voice on his way in. Thinking it would be funny to scare him, I put my back up against the wall and waited for him to open the door. When he did, I leaped out and screamed. The only problem was that the guy standing in front of me was not my friend but rather the 70-year CEO of my company. The poor man shrieked at the top of his lungs, jumped back, and clutched his chest - l thought l had given him a heart attack! I apologised profusely and tried to explain that I thought I was playing a trick on my friend, but I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m just a sick freak who likes to scare men in the bathroom.’ – Sam*, 30

*Names have been changed.

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Tue, 17 Apr 2012 12:00 +0200
Douchey Dudes (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/douchey-dudes-part-two
Fouling Out

'After indulging in a huge lunch, my stomach wouldn't stop rumbling from the huge burrito I'd eaten. When I was alone in the lift in my building, I let one rip as soon as the doors shut… and then another, and another, emitting a totally foul smell. When the doors opened, a girl walked in as I was leaving. She took one step into the lift, clenched her jaw, and yelled 'Ugh!' while glaring at me. I just laughed and walked away.'
- Seung-Han*, 22

A Sticky Situation

'During a party at my house, a girl whom I'd been seeing and I made our way to my bedroom. We ended up doing the deed on my floor, with her on top. When we were finished, I stood up to get dressed, and the girl started laughing. When I asked her what was going on, she pointed to my bum. Apparently, while we'd been going at it, a piece of gum from the floor had stuck onto my hairy behind. I struggled to reach around to pull it off, but it was so stuck that I ended up having to use ice to freeze it so the girl could pick it off.'
- Lewis*, 22

Mother Dear
'All my female friends know me as a practical joker, so one day, out of sheer boredom, I thought I'd send a mass SMS to get a rise out of them. I thought about it for a while before writing a message that read 'l miss you… Let's meet up for sex later.' Thinking it was hilarious, I went through my phone book and looked up every girl before pressing the 'send' button. Throughout the day, I kept getting funny responses from girls who were either appalled or amused… that is, until I got a call from my mother, who angrily asked me why she had received such a filthy SMS from me. I couldn't even bring myself to look her in the eye after that.'
- Nathan*, 24

*Names have been changed

<<<Go Back To Part One

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Tue, 10 Apr 2012 12:00 +0200
Douchey Dudes (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/douchey-dudes-part-one
Stripsleaze
'I was a waiter at a family restaurant. One day, a group of middle-aged women came in, and l could tell they'd been drinking a bit. They were cackling and commenting on my bum. I played along, and when one of them said she'd pay me R300 to see my abs, l thought about how broke l was and said I'd do it. They thought it was hysterical and said if l provided a little dance as well, they'd up the sum to R500. Then they put the money on the table. When I saw the notes, l started seductively taking off my shirt, like a stripper. They were cheering me on, which was why I didn't notice my manager rush over to the table. He yanked my shirt back down and told me l was fired.'
- Zach*, 25

Armed And Dangerous
I loved my girlfriend, but our sex life was getting routine. So one night, while we were fooling around, I took it upon myself to take things up a notch and make a power move that would blow her away. I slowly slid my hands up her stomach and over her breasts, but when l reached her shoulders, l grabbed one of her arms and pinned it behind her head. When she screamed, I assumed she was digging my boldness, but then I realised she was actually in intense pain. Cringing, she said she'd heard something pop and she couldn't move her arm. We ended up going to the hospital, and she had to spend a month with her arm in a huge sling because of a dislocated shoulder.'
- David*, 34

A Rash Decision

As part of our varsity initiation we had to go for three months without shaving or cutting our hair. I looked like a woolly mammoth: scraggly hair and a big, bushy beard. When it was finally over, I was thrilled to get rid of the facial hair, but after l shaved, l was left with rashes all over my face and neck. For weeks, people asked me which girl had done a number on me and given me all those 'love-bites.'
- Andile*, 19

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 03 Apr 2012 12:00 +0200
Bad Boys (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/bad-boys-part-two
Skirt Chaser
'After hanging out with my girlfriend and some buddies at a mutual friend's flat, I got into a big fight with our lift home while he was taking us back. I didn't live too far away from my girlfriend's house, so in the heat of the moment, I made the guy drop us off a few roads from her place. It was freezing outside, and my girlfriend had on a flimsy pink skirt that only came down to her knees and she said she was cold. I was wearing long pants with a belt, so I said she could have my pants and I would put on her skirt. We hid behind a tree and swapped bottoms. After we changed, we were rushing along the road when headlights flashed behind us. When I spun around, I saw that it was her parents driving home. They stopped alongside us and asked if we wanted a lift. We got into the car, and as soon as her dad noticed my weird clothing, he gave me a funny look. I was so embarrassed about my outfit that I couldn't spit out a word the entire way back. A day later, my girlfriend told me her parents had asked if I was a cross-dresser. She tried to explain what had happened, but they still wondered if I was gay.'
- Shaun*, 30

Mall Rat
'l work at a clothing shop in a shopping centre, and one of my supervisors was a total jerk. He always shouted at me in front of the entire staff about stupid stuff, like not folding the sleeves of the shirts at an exact 90-degree angle and forgetting to co-ordinate complementary colours when I was laying out the merchandise. One day, when he came in hungover and made me go on four coffee runs for him, I'd had it. After I came home that night, l asked five of my friends to pretend to be irate customers and call in to complain about my supervisor. I even had my girlfriend call and claim he tried to peep through her dressing-room door while she was changing. My crappy boss was fired four days later.'
- Chris*, 21

The Blackhead Stallion
'I don't consider myself to be overly feminine, but one day I got an enormous pimple and was feeling self-conscious about it, so I decided to swing by the chemist and pick up some makeup. I spotted this stuff that I'd seen my ex-girlfriend put on, so I figured it had to be good. After the pimple cleared up, I left the cream in my bathroom cabinet. A few weeks later, l took this girl I'd been seeing for a while out to dinner and we unexpectedly went back to my place. We were kissing on my bed when she decided to go to the bathroom. She had barely closed the door when she stormed out holding the cover-up and foundation and yelling at me about being this male slut who has other girls over behind her back. I thought about admitting the beauty stuff was mine, but I figured I'd rather be thought of as a cheater than a drag queen, so I didn't deny it. She stalked off in a huff and didn't return my calls. Since then, I decided to throw away the goods to prevent any future disasters.'
- Daniel*, 23

Shady In Red
'One weekend, me and my boys went out to this cool dance club in town. I had a serious girlfriend at the time, but she was away on a business trip and wouldn't be home for a couple more nights. When I walked into the club, I noticed this hot girl in a tight red dress. I struck up a conversation with her, and after 20 minutes of talking, it was obvious we both wanted to jump each other right then and there. We slipped out together and met back at my flat to do the deed. She left right afterwards and we didn't exchange numbers, so I assumed I'd never hear from her. When my girlfriend got back the following week, she invited me to a braai. As soon as we arrived, she introduced me to the girl I'd slept with… it turns out she was the sister of one of my girlfriend's friends from work. We awkwardly said hello, and my fling just glared at me. I knew I had to leave before she confronted me in front of my girlfriend, so I told her I felt sick and that we should go home pronto. My girlfriend never found out about my naughty night.'
- Bryan*, 32

*Names have been changed

<<<Go Back To Part One


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Tue, 27 Mar 2012 12:00 +0200
Bad Boys (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/bad-boys-part-one
Robe-ing The Cradle

'My friend has this gorgeous mom who I've always been attracted to. His parents are divorced and his mom lives two towns away, but whenever she's in the area, she stays at his place. One night, my friends and I were at his flat having a couple of drinks, and his mom was spending the night. After everyone else went home, his mom and I had this long conversation about the dating scene and how hard it is to find someone. At the end of our talk, she stroked my thigh and said that any girl would be lucky to have me. Later on I went into my friend's guest room and fell asleep, and when I woke up, his mom was standing over me in a skimpy Chinese silk robe, holding a tray of breakfast. She put the tray down and sat next to me. While I was eating, she told me I could tug on the sash of her robe. I untied it, and we started kissing, but my friend opened the door minutes later. He was shocked and yelled that he never wanted to speak to either of us ever again. We didn't speak again until two months later.'
- Max*, 26

A Breast Seller

'My girlfriend and I both work at a bookshop in my area. After the shop was closed and everyone but my girl and I had left for the day, I noticed the cupboard door was open. I was feeling horny, so l pulled her in there to get a little action. We messed around, but soon discovered that the door had automatically locked behind us after we shut it. We were stuck and had to spend the entire night in the cupboard. We passed out while we were partially clothed, and the next morning, our boss needed to go into the cupboard to find some books. When she opened the door, she stumbled upon us, semi-naked and cuddling in our sleep. Before my girl could up button her shirt, my boss reprimanded us and left. I thought I'd be fired, but the next day, my boss left a copy of a new romance novel on my desk with a note that read, "l bet you guys could teach this author a thing or two."'
- Frank*, 30

Rogue Burn

'This guy and l are instructors at a tennis club, and he happened to be dating this stunning instructor. We were all planning to grab sushi after work when he got a call on his cell and found out he had to pick up his little brother. He told us to go to dinner anyway. While we were driving back from the restaurant, it was clear that the stunning instructor wanted me, so we decided to pull over at a local park to fool around in the grass. When I woke up the next morning, l was covered in a burning rash from head to toe and realised I must have rolled around in something I was allergic to. Since no one could cover for me at work, I put on calamine lotion and threw on a T-shirt and tracksuit pants to hide it. When I walked onto the courts, I saw her in a warm-up suit and noticed she had an identical rash on her neck, forearms, and on one of her cheeks. After my friend spotted us covered in welts, he got suspicious and started asking questions. I sensed that she was about to cave and tell him about what happened, so I cut in and said it must be a reaction from the bad fish we had the night before. He bought it, and we never mentioned that night again. She and my friend are still dating.'
- Alex*, 33

*Names have been changed


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Tue, 20 Mar 2012 12:00 +0200
Down-and-Dirty Dating Behaviour (Part Three) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/down-and-dirty-dating-behaviour-part-three

The Topic: How They Make You Melt
'I don't care if her pet is a mini-poodle or a venomous snake - I go nuts over it. That makes girls think I'm sensitive without my talking about my angsty childhood or whatever.' - Max*, 20
'On date one, I make sure to mention something that means the world to me - like my collection of rare jazz records. On date two, I offer to let her borrow some of them.' - Vince*, 22
'If I'm only into her physically, I'll lie to become whatever she wants me to be. She likes comedy? I'm a regular at open-mike night. She plays tennis? Hey, I was a pro at university.' - KyIe*, 25
'Anybody can take a girl somewhere fun. What I do is leap at the chance to do something that's a pain, like driving her to the airport. It shows her I'm willing to spend hours battling traffic just to spend time with her.' - Jake*, 23
'Early on in a relationship, I carry a little notebook with me, and when she's not looking, I scribble down things I've learned: what flowers she likes, her favourite TV shows, what kind of desserts she drools over, but doesn't order. Soon enough, I have so much ammo to impress her with I hardly know where to start.' - George*, 26
'When I introduce a new girlfriend to my friends, I go overboard mentioning all of her accomplishments and attributes. She's embarrassed by my gushing, but secretly she loves it.' - Henry*, 25

The Topic: Wild Ways They Blow You Off
'After I picked up this one girl in my car, I told her I needed to return some movies before we went to dinner, and let her see that they were hard-core pornos. But this trick can backfire: A buddy of mine tried it and his date was more intrigued than ever!' - Michael*, 25
'When a girl I want to get rid of calls me, I mention that I have a date that night and ask if she has any suggestions for where I can take her. Any woman with an ounce of self-respect will disappear after that.' - Khayelethu*, 21
'If I'm having a terrible time on a date at a bar or restaurant, the answer is there in front of me: I just keep ordering alcohol and throwing it back. She'll either get disgusted and leave, or I'll get so drunk that it doesn't really matter anyway.' - Selby*, 22

*Names have been changed

<<<Go Back To Part Two


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Mon, 12 Mar 2012 12:00 +0200
Down-and-Dirty Dating Behaviour (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/down-and-dirty-dating-behaviour-part-two
The Topic: How They Break The Touch Barrier
'If we're walking along, having a ball, I'll boldly grab her hand tightly. It feels carefree, like something from high school, but it breaks the ice.' - Xavier*, 30
'This is a no-brainer: I take her to a place where dancing is almost mandatory - like a restaurant with a tango floor. The more unfamiliar the dance, the better, so both of us can stumble through the moves.' - Joel*, 23
'I'll gently touch my date's elbow as I lead her down some steps or through a crowded room. Guiding her that way feels almost chivalrous, and it doesn't take much courage to do.' - John*, 26
'When she offers me her number, I conveniently don't have paper or a cell phone handy… but I always have a pen. Then I have her write it on my hand, so we laugh and touch hands as we struggle to write it legibly.' - Kent*, 25
'I use my long legs to my advantage at restaurant tables. I'll 'accidentally' knock her knees with mine, she'll react, then I'll do it again as a joke. Pretty soon, we're kicking the crap out of each other… in a good way.' - Paul*, 22

The Topic: First-Time Booty Rules
'I never let a woman see me naked the first time we do it. I figure, once we have a great session, she'll start to get really attached, so she's more likely to look past my flaws when l finally let the lights reveal them.' - Sean*, 26
'After sex, I never blabber all that "Oh, baby, that was so amazing!" junk. Instead, I calmly smile and maintain eye contact. It shows I'm mature, not some hormone-addled teenager.' - Simphiwe*, 30
'I'll stash my condoms somewhere inaccessible, like buried in my cupboard. That way when I go for them, I don't seem like a creep who has a fresh package of condoms right by the bed.' - Lyle*, 22
'I want to look impressive the first time out, so I'll go to the bathroom and give my penis a warm-up so it's big and proud when she first lays eyes - or anything else - on it.' - Shane*, 24
'As bad as I want to do the deed, I force myself to go slow the first time. I situate myself on the bed so I can see the digital clock behind her. I make sure I take at least 15 minutes for each stage: kissing, disrobing, and other activities. Sometimes I get so impatient, I almost yell at the clock.' - Will*, 25

*Names have been changed

<<<Go Back To Part One


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Tue, 06 Mar 2012 12:00 +0200
Down-and-Dirty Dating Behaviour (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/down-and-dirty-dating-behaviour-part-one
The Topic: How They Spark Your Interest
'Once I feel out a girl's personality, I'll purposely state a fact incorrectly so she can correct me. That way, she gets an ego boost, while I look impressed. The trick is seemingly cutely uninformed, not idiotic.' - Bongile*, 23
'It's a cliché, but it's best to try to get a girl to come to you, not vice versa. So after I meet a woman at a party I'll wander off alone and stare wistfully out the window for a moment. It makes me seem a little mysterious.' - Peter*, 29

The Topic: When They Play The Waiting Game
'After a first date, I'm intentionally unavailable the next weekend so that I don't seem like a loser with nothing to do. It's even better if I say I'm visiting my mom or helping my sister move. Family loyalty strikes a girl's soft spot.' - Karl*, 21
'The only exception to my wait-a-week rule is to call the girl the morning after we've met, as if it occurred to me on impulse: "Hey, a few of us are heading to the beach today, and I know you said you were dying to go" - something like that, said with the most casual of attitudes.' - Chad*, 28
'My girlfriend asked me out first, but I pretended I was busy that weekend and scheduled something for the following week. I was trying to build anticipation… and it worked, because she later told me she had spent two full weeks deciding what to wear.' - Dustin*, 24

The Topic: Weird Things They Notice During Dates
'My dad always said that if a woman chews with her mouth open, she has no consideration for other people. This advice has yet to fail me.' - Ian*, 22
'I love it when, on a first date, a girl is really upfront about it being a date - she'll talk about why she thought I was cute, how awkward it can be, and so on. It's so much more refreshing than the frozen-grin, job-interview style of so many other women.' - Jeffrey*, 25
'The size of a girl's bag is amazingly revealing. If it's small and stylish, that's good. If it's a massive 'mom bag', bulging with who-knows-what emergency materials, chances are, the girl is a little too highly strung and fussy for me.' - Zahir*, 24
'If she can accept that I'm obsessed with zombie movies, that's great. But if she feigns interest while I play video games, she's letting me get away with too much. No dude enjoys the feeling of walking all over somebody.' - Derek*, 23
'When a woman invites me to her place and there's no dust or clutter anywhere, then I'm obviously dealing with someone who's not prepared for the give-and-take chaos of a relationship. How can I even sit down without fear of rumpling the couch cover?' - Pedro*, 28
'Our first date will be our last if you spend any more than a couple of minutes complaining. You think I asked you out so I could hear about how much you hate your job, your family, your friends, or your life? Uh, bill, please.' - Craig*, 31

*Names have been changed


>>>Go To Part Two

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Tue, 28 Feb 2012 12:00 +0200
Bust, Baby! (Part Three) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/bust-baby-part-three
Swing Fling
'I needed a weekend away, so I went to visit one of my friends studying in Grahamstown. She had a party and I met this sweet guy. He kept complimenting me and I had just broken up with my boyfriend, so the attention felt good. It was clear that we both wanted to hook up, so he asked if I'd be up for going to a nearby playground. I agreed, and we ended up having sex on the slide... and then the swings. We were buck naked mid-air when we saw two cops with their lights flashing on us. They almost arrested us for public indecency.'
- Taryn*, 24

Nude To The Neighbourhood?
'I had been house-hunting with my fiancé. We went to a gorgeous, two-story house that was on show and got excited over the whole idea of living together, so we snuck into one of the bedrooms and got all over each other on a beanbag chair. Looking around, I saw tons of fluffy toys - it was definitely a young child's room. I guess we forgot to lock the door because while I was pleasuring him, this older couple walked in and then immediately ran off. We tried to casually re-enter the scene downstairs, but they had already told the agent what they'd witnessed, and we got kicked out.'
- Marlena*, 28

Playing The Field
'I really hate rugby, but my boyfriend is obsessed. It was his birthday, so I didn't object when he asked me to go to our university's game. I'm not the 'school spirit' type, and thought I was going to be bored, but it was actually fun. I got a kick out of seeing how happy he was that everything he loves - rugby, food, and I - were all in the same place. We both had to wee and ducked out before half-time to beat the bathroom crowd... but we never made it there. He pulled me underneath the stands for a quick grope, which of course I couldn't resist. I even whipped out a few tricks I had learned especially for his birthday. I looked up just as he was shouting my name, and I nearly choked when I saw that we had an audience: the entire marching band. Turns out, we were getting busy where they line up for their entrance onto the field for half-time.'
- Raquel*, 20

*Names have been changed

<<<Go Back To Part Two

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Tue, 21 Feb 2012 12:00 +0200
Bust, Baby! (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/bust-baby-part-two
Getting Serviced
'I was trying to be the good girlfriend and chauffeur my boyfriend and his friends around to a soccer game for his birthday. I had borrowed my parents' car, since there were a lot of them. After the game, we all got some food, but my boyfriend wanted to get frisky with me in the car, so we left. Pretty soon, the car started moving... and then rocking. We looked outside, and his friends were circled around the car, shaking it! I was mortified and even more embarrassed when no one would sit in the seats where we had been getting it on. For his fantasy soccer name, his friends called him the Car Porn Star.'
- Tsiba*, 23

Her Royal Horniness
'During varsity, my boyfriend was studying overseas. I went to visit him, and one day we toured castles in Wales. We hadn't seen each other in three months, so we ditched the tour and got busy in one of the dark rooms of a castle. It was cold and damp, but that made the whole thing more forbidden. Just as I climbed on top of my guy, a tour group entered the room. They were freaking out and talking very fast in what sounded like Russian, and there was a lot of gesturing. We just crouched in a naked ball and waited for them to leave.'
- Marisa*, 23

Hooked On a Feeling
'My guy and I went camping in a quiet, non-touristy area by a small lake. We had rented a boat and decided to go fishing at dusk. After an hour, we started kissing and pulled in our poles. One thing led to another, and our swimsuits came off. Later on, we heard a noise but just figured it was an animal in the trees, so we continued hooking up. Then we heard a man screaming at us. Our tiny boat had drifted to the side of the lake right into his campsite where his family was eating dinner. We were mortified and oared back to our site at record speed while he was still yelling at us.'
- Lily*, 28

I Sink We're In Trouble
'I had recently been promoted, and my new workload was hectic. I had no time for anything else, and I was too exhausted for sex. In fact, my boyfriend and I hadn't done the deed in a month. We'd planned a fun night out clubbing so I could let loose. After dancing for a while, I followed him into the bathroom. I snuck into one of the stalls and surprised him from behind while he was washing his hands. He lifted me onto the sink, and we went at it like crazy. But either the pipes were really old or we were too wild, because the sink fell out of the wall... taking us with it.'
- Nadia*, 27

*Names have been changed

<<<Go Back To Part One

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Tue, 14 Feb 2012 12:00 +0200
Bust, Baby! (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/bust-baby-part-one

Kama Here Often?
'My guy and I were at a bookshop looking for books on the Kama Sutra. As we were checking out the pictures, we got riled up, so I suggested we take the books to the bathroom and put them to use. During the deed, I heard the bathroom door open and told my boyfriend to stand on the toilet. After we finished, we heard a woman ask us if everything was okay because she'd been waiting for our handicapped stall for 10 minutes. There was no choice but to come out. We didn't make eye contact with her,
but I know we looked so guilty. We bolted out of the shop, leaving a trail of our books behind us.'
- Christina*, 19

Lights, Camera, Action!
'I was sitting with my boyfriend in the last row at the movies. It was during the day, so it wasn't that crowded, but there were still people there. When the lights went down, I got really crazy and took off my pants and straddled him. He was surprised... but psyched. Since we were way in the back of the cinema and were being quiet, I was sure no one knew what we were doing. Then I looked up and noticed that the guy in the projector room was getting a great view. We locked eyes, but he just kept staring. I was majorly freaked out, so we pulled ourselves together and sprinted out of there.'
- Joyce*, 27

Shake Shack
'I was working at a hot dog stand at my brother's cricket game when my boyfriend stopped by. It was our two-year anniversary, and I was surprised to see him because we were having dinner later. He said that he couldn't wait to give me my gift, which turned out to be an incredible necklace. I thanked him by shutting down the fast-food trailer and mounting him on the counter where the hot dogs were rotating. We were having a lot of fun when the window opened. One of the moms had the key and wanted to see why the stand was closed during a game. Once she saw me naked, she got her answer.'
- Tammy*, 21

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 07 Feb 2012 12:00 +0200
'My Sex Session Ended In The ER' (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/my-sex-session-ended-in-the-er-part-two
Sexy Smackdown
My boyfriend and I had been dating for just over a month, and I was totally into him. Still, I thought it would be better if we held off on doing the deed until we knew each other better. But after weeks of waiting, I couldn't take it anymore. So one night, after a really romantic dinner, I told him I had to have him right away. As soon as we got to his
place, we were all over each other. The clothes were coming off at lightning speed, and we were frantic to get naked. After pulling his pants down to his ankles, I popped back up to kiss him. I guess he had been looking down at me, because when I stood up, my head smacked him right in the nose. He yelled out in pain as blood started spurting everywhere. I grabbed a whole bunch of paper towels, but the bleeding wouldn't stop. Finally, we realised we had to get him to the hospital. My head butt had broken his nose. Thankfully, he didn't dump me after that disaster.'
- Vanessa*, 23

Park and Ride
'It was a really warm night, and my guy and I were walking through the park. There was no one else around, so we decided to find an out-of-the-way spot to get it on. We saw a bench that looked perfect. He sat down and I lifted my skirt and I got on top. Well, the bench must have been on some sort of an incline, because in the middle of our sex session, it started to tip over. I fell backward off of my man and smacked my head on the concrete. When I came to, my guy was carrying me to the car. At the hospital, I ended up getting 12 stitches in my head. But on the plus side, my boyfriend gave me the royal treatment for the next week.'
- Susan*, 31

Bent Out Of Shape
'My boyfriend and I are into crazy positions, so every night is like another page out of the Kama Sutra. One night, I was straddling him in a chair and bouncing up and down when he slipped out. It all happened so fast: As I came back down, his erection smashed into my pubic bone. I heard something like a snap, and he began screaming in agony. I quickly jumped off of him, and he cried, 'I think you broke my penis!' I had no idea if that was possible, but his stuff was turning black-and-blue. I helped him to the car and then sped to the hospital. Unfortunately our little collision had fractured his penis, and he needed to have surgery. He wouldn't talk to me for weeks after the incident, but under the circumstances, I understood.'
- Gugu*, 32

Twisted Tryst
'I'm a very playful person, so my boyfriend and I are always wrestling and messing around with each other. A couple of months ago, while we were having sex, I decided to see just how flexible I was by bending my legs as far back as I could. My boyfriend was totally into it, so he started leaning on my legs to see how much more I could take. Well, that was a bad idea. All of a sudden, I felt a pop in my knee, followed by excruciating pain. When I looked down at my leg, it was clear that something wasn't right, so we went to the emergency room. As it turned out, I had dislocated my knee. I thought it was pretty funny, but my boyfriend felt terrible.'
- Karen*, 24

*Names have been changed

<<<Go Back To Part One

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Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:00 +0200
'My Sex Session Ended In The ER' (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/my-sex-session-ended-in-the-er-part-one
Carnal Crash Course
'When my parents went away one weekend, they asked if I could dog-sit for them. My boyfriend and I were totally psyched about it, because they have a huge place and we were looking forward to christening every room in the house. On our first night there, we went right to the pristine living room. We were going at it on the couch when he decided to lift me onto the glass coffee table. He seemed convinced that it was sturdy enough to take our weight. Well, he was wrong, because all of a sudden, we heard a crack, followed by a crash as we fell right through the table. He quickly pulled me out of the glass heap, shards embedded in my behind. We wrapped my bloody bum in a towel and rushed to the emergency room. The doctors stitched up the deep cuts and sent me home, but it was a good two weeks before I was able to sit down without feeling any pain. I still have the battle scars to this day.'
- Lisa*, 27

Out With a Bang
'On my boyfriend's birthday last year, his friends threw a huge party for him and we ended up getting rather buzzed. When we got home that night, we were horny beyond belief so things got pretty wild. At one point, we were doing the deed doggie-style and my head kept banging up against the headboard. I don't know if I was drunker than I thought or just really in the moment, but I barely felt it. The next day I woke up with a killer headache, which I assumed was just a hangover. I took a couple of aspirin and went to work, but I felt really light-headed and the pain wasn't going away. Mid-morning, I passed out and was taken to the hospital. Apparently all that head-banging the night before had given me a concussion.'
- Tanya*, 23

Runaway Condom
'Back at university, I was sleeping with this guy who was very well-endowed. One night, after a particularly strenuous sex session, we couldn't find the condom. We looked all over the place and then decided it must have still been inside me. I started to poke around, but couldn't find it. Greg even took a shot, but nada. Finally, we gave up and assumed it had gotten lost in the sheets. But the next day I started to feel pretty
uncomfortable below the belt. Then my flatmate told me she'd heard that if a
guy was too big, the condom could get lodged all the way up in a woman's uterus. I freaked out and had her drive me straight to the emergency room. Turns out, there was no condom in my uterus (it's actually impossible). In fact, when I got home that afternoon and changed my sheets, I found it buried in my duvet.'
- Katie*, 29

Bumps In The Night
'My boyfriend and I thought it would be fun to use food during sex one night. We put an old sheet that we didn't care about on the bed and pulled out a plethora of food products. We took turns covering each other with whipped cream, strawberries, and chocolate sauce and then licking it up. After our erotic food adventure, we were so
exhausted that we ended up falling asleep on the dirty sheets. In the middle of the night, I woke up feeling as if I had rolled around in poison ivy. I went into the bathroom to rinse off but when I looked in the mirror, I saw that I had a red rash all over my body. I woke up my boyfriend, and we rushed to the ER, where a doctor told me I was having some sort of an allergic reaction. She kept asking what I had eaten that day or if I'd used a new product on my skin. As embarrassing as it was, I came clean. Apparently, the combination of foods and saliva had irritated my very sensitive skin. She gave me a prescription and sent me home, but the rash took a full week to go away.'
- Joanna*, 31

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 24 Jan 2012 12:00 +0200
Major Fail (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/major-fail-part-two
Room Serviced
'One weekend, I made plans to go to the beach with my girlfriend and a group of our friends. At the last minute, my girlfriend's best friend said she wanted to come, so she told her she could stay in our hotel room with us. I was pissed that her friend was intruding on our romantic weekend, but when we arrived, I couldn't help but notice that she looked smoking in her little red bikini. On our first night there, just as we were getting ready to head back to our room, my girlfriend got a call from her mom and found out her little brother was sick with pneumonia. She decided to go back home to see how he was doing but insisted we stay and enjoy the rest of the trip. Her friend and I were both bummed that she left, so we just chilled in the hotel room and ordered chips. While we were eating, the girl tucked my hair behind my ears and said, "Let's just try to make the best of things." We started feeding each other chips, and soon enough, we were all over each other. She turned out to be great in bed, so when we got back, I blew off my girlfriend and asked out her friend out instead.'
- Brian*, 30

One-Night Hand
'l picked up this girl at her parents' house for a night on the town, and toward the end of the evening, I took her to the local scenic spot overlooking our city. We kissed, and things quickly heated up. She was wearing a short, skimpy dress, so I took full advantage of the easy access. After some heavy-duty groping, it was an hour past her curfew. I drove her to her house, and when I walked her back, we discovered that all the doors were locked. She had to knock on the front door, and her dad answered. She introduced us, and he immediately stuck out his hand to shake mine. I hesitated because I didn't wash my hands after our makeout session, but finally, I put out my right hand that l'd used to fondle his daughter and gave him a firm shake. lt was so hard to keep a straight face.'
- Frank*, 18

On The Down-Load
'l was dating this girl for six months when a good friend forwarded me digital pics and told me to download them immediately. When I clicked open the attachments, they were of my girlfriend swapping spit with another guy at a party. I was completely furious, so I decided l'd get even before dumping her. We lived four hours apart, and sometimes we would use our webcams to have strip shows for each other late at night before we went to sleep. One evening, I invited an old fling to my place. Before she arrived, I called my girlfriend and told her I was having friends over but that she should leave her webcam on and I'd have a kinky surprise for her later. l then pointed my webcam directly at my bed, and when my ex arrived, we did the deed for an hour. After she left, my girlfriend called and shouted at me, but I fired back that I knew she was a cheater and hung up. It felt great to put that two-timer in her place.'
- Dan*, 31

Members Only
'ln the student centre, my girlfriend and I were stressed out cramming for exams, and she whispered she was horny. It was getting dark, so we decided to take a 'study break' and hook up on a secluded part of the campus behind the faculty library. The lights were off inside the building and no one was around, so we lay down and my girlfriend unzipped my fly. While we were in the middle of getting busy, a bright light came on in the library. We were afraid someone would catch us in the act, so we stopped and ran. When we got back to res, I realised I'd forgotten to zip my fly and my member had been hanging out the entire time. I figured no one else saw it, but when I went to take my exam the next morning, my old British professor came up to me. l thought she was going to say something about the test, but she leaned over and whispered, "The faculty library area is off limits to students, young man. Next semester, I suggest you and your willy avoid making any guest appearances."'
- Taariq*, 21

*Names have been changed

<<<Go Back To Part One


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Tue, 17 Jan 2012 12:00 +0200
Major Fail (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/major-fail-part-one
Office Booty
'Two years ago, I was interning at a law firm that deals primarily with divorce. During my second week there, this gorgeous older woman with a killer body came in to speak with my boss about her upcoming divorce proceedings. She was actually good friends with my supervisor, and after their meeting, they went out to lunch at a local restaurant. They invited me to go along with them, and throughout the meal, I caught the beautiful client staring at me and smiling. On our way out, I casually mentioned that I get to work a few hours earlier than the rest of the office. When I arrived the next morning, she showed up before anyone else did. While she was waiting for the boss to get in, she hinted to me that since I was so naturally muscular, I must be well-endowed. I told her there was only one way to find out, and we wound up having sex against the filing cabinet. About once a week or so, she'd come in early and we'd mess around. This continued for two months until one day, my superior arrived ahead of schedule and found us mid-action. I was fired that afternoon, and I heard that her divorce was finalised soon after I left.'
- Paul*, 28

Maxi-Cad
'My older sister set me up on a blind date with one of her co-workers, and we decided to meet at the back of an Italian bistro that I had never been to before. While I was waiting for my date to show up, I was feeling majorly anxious, so I had a few beers to ease my nerves. Before long, I was buzzed and needed to use the bathroom. The signs were in Italian, so I couldn't teIl which one was the men's room. I opened the door on the left and saw a woman sitting on the toilet, placing a pad on her underwear. She looked up and screamed, "Get out of here, you pervert!" I closed the door and went back to my seat, red-faced. Minutes later, the girl I walked in on came up to the back of the restaurant. We both stared at each other, and I suspected she was my date. I started to introduce myself, and she looked grossed out. Needless to say, the date was a total flop. We both agreed that we'd never hangout again, and neither of us told my sister about the whole bathroom disaster.'
- Mark*, 33

Little Chop of Horrors
'During my third year at university, I lived with this greasy sleazeball who I couldn't stand. The guy had this disgusting mullet that he claimed helped him get girls. Every day, he would slather his rat-tail with hair gel and brag that it was one of his hottest attributes. We were in a couple of classes together, and he was constantly trying to mooch answers off of me. It got me mad, but he crossed the line when I found him copying my assignments that I'd slaved over for weeks. One evening, he stayed out late at the bars with his pals and then returned home to pass out. While he was snoozing, I took a pair of scissors and snipped off the nasty rat-tail at the end of his mullet. When he woke up the following day and realised that his beloved do was destroyed, he went berserk. He definitely knew I was behind it, but the expression on his face was worth all of his screaming at me.'
- Alvin*, 24

*Names have been changed

>>>Go To Part Two

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Tue, 10 Jan 2012 12:00 +0200
Manky Manoeuvres (Part Three) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/manky-manoeuvres-part-three Men dish on their dating disasters.

Blinded Date

'My friends said they had the perfect girl for me, so I decided to give it a try. I had to take an hour-long bus ride to meet her. When I got there, she answered the door and I was shocked. Her hair was all over the place, and she had this weird, crazy look in her eyes. As we started talking, I realised she was completely insane. Nothing she said made sense. My pals later admitted it was a huge joke.'
- Fred*, 33

Knock, Knock, Who's Scared?
'l had liked this girl for a few years, and I finally got the chance to hook up with her. She was really aggressive and asked me back to her house to mess around. I had never had sex before, so I was hesitant but decided to go for it anyway. While we were in the middle of getting it on, her dad knocked on her bedroom door to check and see if she
had made it home that night. I had no idea that her parents had come home. We were both so freaked out about getting caught that l hid under the covers for almost two hours until they fell asleep and she could sneak me out of the house.'
- Alex*, 19

Suite Surrender
'During the holidays, I had a part-time job as a receptionist at a fancy hotel in town. They were having some sort of huge convention for large corporations, and a bunch of businessmen were staying there for a few days. One guy had his super-hot wife staying with him in his room. Apparently, she got bored while he was in meetings all day, because she slipped me a schedule of the convention with a highlighted time, smiled, and winked at me. I looked up her suite number and showed up at her door right on time. I had a blast, and let's just say that I gave her first-rate room service.'
- Tshepo*, 22

Crappy Birthday
'l was at a restaurant for my friend's birthday, and a bunch of us brought a chocolate cake for him. Our friend had commented on how cute the waitress was, so we asked if she could be the one to bring it out. The whole staff sang Happy Birthday. Then the waitress came out, set the cake down in front of me, and gave me a huge kiss. l told her it wasn't my birthday, but she couldn't hear me and said, 'Aw, don't be shy, birthday boy!' My friend got upset, I felt super awkward, and the waitress was totally and completely embarrassed.'
- Matthew*, 21

Crash 'n' Dash
'I was dating this girl who lived with her parents. I was hanging around their house one day, and I knocked over this expensive vase. No one was in the room, and I didn't want to confess. I decided to leave it on the floor and made an excuse about why I had to leave. Later, my girlfriend told me that her parents had blamed her sister and she had gotten into trouble. I should have come clean, but I never did.'
- Patrick*, 21

*Names have been changed

<<<Go Back To Part Two

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Tue, 03 Jan 2012 12:00 +0200
Manky Manoeuvres (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/manky-manoeuvres-part-two

Smack Attack
'My friends and I were bored and decided to grab a cup of coffee at a trendy spot in the neighbourhood. The front of the coffee place we went to had floor-to-ceiling windows, and as we were walking to the door, I noticed the place was packed with cute girls. I wanted to be the first to walk in, so I went in front of my friends to open the door.
I pushed on the door really hard, but it didn't open, and I slammed into it with my face. The sound of me hitting the door made this loud noise, and everyone in the coffee shop turned to stare at me. My face hurt, but that wasn't the worst part. All of my friends were laughing hysterically and causing a huge scene to draw even more attention to my extremely dumb move.'
- Justin*, 18

Fore-Played
'I played in a golf tournament that was for people in the finance industry, and I did really badly. Afterwards, there was an awards ceremony. In front of everyone, I was given the Most Honest Golfer award, which basically let everyone know how much I sucked. The worst part was that the statue they gave me was of a female golfer. I have never seen my boss laugh so hard.'
- John*, 24

Seňor Sticky Buns
'My friends and I went to grab dinner at a popular Mexican restaurant. The place was busy, and they started clearing our table before we even left. As we were walking out, I noticed my shoe was untied, so I sat down to tie it. As soon as I sat, I heard a loud crashing noise. I had accidentally sat on a bucket of dirty dishes. When I stood up, I realised I had landed in a pile of ground beef and refried beans, which looked disgusting on the back of my pants. Afterward, we had plans with other friends, so I had to walk around with my friends looking like l'd had an accident. I was mortified.'
- Mike*, 22

Princess Poofy
'l met this incredibly attractive girl through a mutual friend and asked her out on a date. To show off, l took her to a trendy new restaurant in town. The whole time we were together, all she talked about was how much money her family made, her really expensive car, and her exclusively designer wardrobe. By the end of dinner, l was completely fed up with her and thought she was a total brat. Since she had been bragging about her cash flow, l slyly told her that I had forgotten my wallet, and if she picked up the tab, I would pay her back. After the date, l never returned her calls and never repaid her. I figured she deserved it for being a snob.'
- Andrew*, 21

Free-Falling Flirt
'I had the biggest crush on this girl who wouldn't give me the time of day. One afternoon, I was standing around with a big group of people at the beach and the cute girl was standing in the crowd. Wanting to impress my crush, I told everyone about this awesome flip I had learned how to do from a friend. I went to do the flip but lost my balance in the middle of it and ended up doing a total face-plant in the sand. I cut my head pretty badly and even have a scar from it. Even after all that, she didn't pay any attention to me.'
- Zach*, 21

*Names have been changed


<<<Back To Part One


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Tue, 20 Dec 2011 12:00 +0200
Manky Manoeuvres (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/manky-manoeuvres-part-one

Mile-High Flub
'I flew to see my Iong-distance girlfriend, and she picked me up at the airport wearing a coat and heels with nothing underneath. When we got to the car, we started getting it on. Then there was a knock on the door. The parking attendant was standing there with a huge grin. He'd been doing his rounds and noticed our car rocking back and forth and had come over to investigate.'

Diss-Missed!
'I was dating this girl and wasn't into her anymore. I hate breaking up with people and was really nervous to do it. After a few drinks, I tracked her down and started my speech to end things. I must have had too much to drink because it came out all wrong. I mixed up a standard Iine and said, "It's not me; it's you." She totally went off on me and started screaming.'

Nice To Cheat You…
'I was dating two girls at the same time when I met a third woman. I kept seeing all three on the sly. I wasn't very smart about it because the house I live in has an open- door policy. I was cuddling on my couch with one girl when the second one walked in and caught us. They both freaked out on me and walked out. On their way, they ran into the last girl, who had decided to drop in. When she found out, she also dumped me. I just had to laugh at the situation.'

Crude Awakening
'One night, after too many drinks, I took this girl back to my res. After she fell asleep I stumbled out of my room to the bathroom down the hall. Then l went back and snuggled up next to her in bed. I must have been more drunk than I thought because the next thing l knew, l was being shaken awake by the girl. l'd gone into the room next to mine and crawled into bed with some guy. He tried to wake me up, but I was passed out, so he went to my room and had the girl get me out of his bed.'

Streak Freak
'I was at a party with one of my friends, and a girl I had a crush on was there. Somehow, we started playing truth or dare, and my friend and I were dared to go streaking down the street. Because I was trying to impress the girl, I accepted the challenge. I figured it would be over quickly and no one would see that much. After my friend and I streaked, we came back to find that the girls had brought video cameras and were taping us the whole time. I was really embarrassed about it, but the worst part was that l later found out my crush actually had a thing for my friend.'

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Tue, 13 Dec 2011 12:00 +0200
'S' Is For 'Skanky' (Part Three) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/s-is-for-skanky-part-three
Ring Ring, Cheat Cheat
'For about eight months I had been cheating on my girlfriend. One day, my girlfriend happened to call me at home while my new girl was there. I picked up, and we chatted for a bit. After we said goodbye, my new girl asked if my girlfriend suspected I was cheating on her. I said she was clueless, and we did the deed. When we were done, someone called my cell and said they had been trying to reach me at home but kept getting a busy signal. I checked my telephone and realised that I hadn't hung up. My girlfriend had heard everything - when I picked up, she was still on the phone, crying and told me it was over.'
- Shaun*, 31

Wings Of Desire
'I was at a local bar with my boys when I ran into this girl from one of my classes. I'd been trying to get her to go out with me all semester. I must have done something right because she came up to me and we spent the rest of the night hanging out, and shared a plate of spicy chicken wings at the bar. At the end of the night, we went outside and started kissing, and I accidentally let out a stinky burp in her mouth. I ended up doing badly as I refused to go to class for the rest of the semester - just so I wouldn't have to face her.'
- Will*, 22

Flash and Burn

'During the last week of varsity my friends and I went to the beach. I got badly sunburnt and was tired, but everyone was going out that night and I wanted to join. Between my sunburn and exhaustion, the alcohol hit me pretty hard, and I went home and crashed early. I didn't wear clothes to bed because anything touching my body was uncomfortable. The next morning I woke up outside my dorm building naked, lying on my bed-sheet in front of a bunch of people laughing at me. My roommates said they had found me sprawled naked in bed the night before and thought it would be funny to carry my sheet (with me on it) to the front of our dorm for everyone to see.'
- Mike*, 23

Clean-Up On Aisle Four
'One night I was out with a bunch of friends, and we decided to play a prank on our friend who had bailed on us and stayed home for the night. The plan was to cover his car in feminine hygiene products and lube. My friends pulled up to a 24-hour pharmacy, and I ran in to get the supplies. I loaded up my arms with all the goods and headed to the cashier. As I rounded the aisle, I lost my grip and dropped everything. Everyone in the store was staring at me. I tried to explain that it was for a prank, but I probably looked like the biggest weirdo.'
- Thabo*, 20

Dinner For Ewww
'My girlfriend always complains that I'm not romantic, so I decided to surprise her and make dinner. She loves linguine with Marinara sauce, so I printed out a recipe I found online. It called for tinned mussels, but I wanted to try using fresh ones. She loved the dinner, and I knew I was going to score that night. We were heading to the bedroom when we both started to feel queasy and ran to the bathroom. Being a gentleman, I let her throw up in the toilet and I threw up in the tub. I guess there was something wrong with the mussels.'
- Phil*, 31

*Names have been changed

<<<Go Back To Part Two


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Tue, 06 Dec 2011 12:00 +0200
'S' Is For 'Skanky' (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/s-is-for-skanky-part-two
Chest In Peace
'This girl who I really liked was throwing a pool party and had invited me. I was really excited to spend time with her. Before the day of the party, I talked to her good friend, and she mentioned that the girl I liked really didn't like guys with hairy chests. Since I'm super-hairy, I decided it might increase my chances with her if I did something about it. I'd heard it was better to wax than shave, so I made an appointment to have my chest waxed right before I had to be at the party. I felt itchy after the wax, but I got dressed and headed to the party anyway. When I got to the pool and took off my shirt. I saw that my chest was covered in red spots and everyone was staring at me. Amber was not impressed with my blotchy chest, and I ended up leaving the party early because I was in so much pain.'
- Chris*, 29

Ding-Dong Ditcher
'After getting out of a long relationship I went out to celebrate my new single life with a bunch of friends. I met this fairly attractive girl at the bar, and she was flirting with me big-time. At the end of the night, we went back to her place. The next morning, I asked her if she wanted some water. She said sure, so I got dressed and left the bedroom. But instead of heading to the kitchen, I went straight out the front door and never looked back. It was a great way to celebrate being single.'
- Patrick*, 30

Déja Who?
'Shortly after breaking up with my girlfriend, I started dating this other girl. At first, she didn't want to date me because she thought I wasn't over my ex. She was right, but I really wanted to go out with someone so that I could make my ex jealous. I was able to convince my new girl that I was into her and we should be together. One night, we were hooking up, and I thought she was having a good time. All of a sudden, she started crying. When I asked her why, she said, 'Because my name isn't Lauren.' I had accidently started calling her my ex's name in the sack.'
- Nick*, 27

Whizz Kid
'I had been on a few dates with this girl, and things were going really well. One night, we went out with mutual friends and stayed out until sunrise. We ended up crashing on a friend's futon. We were both too tired to hook up, so we just fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later to her screaming at me to get up. In my sleep, I had rolled over and accidentally pee'ed.'
- Jacob*, 23

Early Bird's Worm
'My family has a beach house, and during the winter I go up there occasionally. One weekend I spent the night there, and when I woke up in the morning, I went to the kitchen to make breakfast. No one was around, so I figured it was okay to hang out naked. I was making toast when I heard giggling. I turned around and saw my varsity-age cousin and a bunch of hot girls from her class. They had come up to use the place for some girlie bonding. I could still hear them howling as I ran up the stairs.'
- Max*, 25

*Names have been changed

<<<Go Back To Part One
>>>Go To Part Three

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Tue, 29 Nov 2011 12:00 +0200
'S' Is For 'Skanky' (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/s-is-for-skanky-part-one

Wood You Give Me a Rubdown?
'My best friend is always talking about how his girlfriend gives the best massages. One day, we were all hanging out and my back was killing me. My friend suggested that I let his girlfriend work out the kink in my back. I was sitting, and she was standing behind me and started giving me an absolutely amazing massage. There was nothing sexual about it - we were in a room full of people, fully clothed. But for some reason, I got a hard-on. My friend noticed right away and got really annoyed, and his girlfriend was extremely grossed out. I still haven't lived that one down among my friends.'
- Thabo*, 26

Open-House Hump
'After tech, my girlfriend moved into a great flat. My mom, who's an estate agent, had shown her the place. The day my girlfriend moved in we decided to christen her new bedroom, and we ended up getting pretty loud. A few minutes after we finished, there was a knock on the door. My girlfriend answered it and came face-to-face with my mother. She had been showing the apartment downstairs and could hear everything we were doing. I tried to explain, but all she said was, 'Next time, keep it down. It's hard to get across the selling points of an apartment when all my clients can hear is moaning and groaning.'
- Samson*, 24

Scary Movie, The Prequel
'I was at my hot friend's house watching a horror movie one night, and I had a feeling that we were going to hook up. Sometimes, I have a hard time lasting during sex - especially when a girl is really gorgeous. I'd heard you last longer if you pleasure yourself before sex, so half-way through the movie, I ran to the bathroom. I guess my friend started to worry after a while, so she muted the movie and came to find me. She heard weird noises and opened the bathroom door, which I had forgotten to lock, and found me doing my thing. The only person I got lucky with that night was myself.'
- Lihle*, 19

Zip It
'I was best man at my brother's wedding. On the day of the ceremony, I was getting ready and spilled coffee on my boxers. They didn't have time to dry, so I went commando. Mid-ceremony, I was standing in front of the congregation when I noticed that I was getting weird looks. Out of nowhere, my mom walked up to the altar and zipped my fly. Before I could ask her what she was doing, some of the guests started clapping. Apparently, I'd given everyone a nice view of my bits and pieces.'
- Tom*, 28

In a Lather
'My girlfriend and I were at her parent's house while they were out of town. We were feeling a little wild and decided to get it on in the shower. She's a lot shorter than I am, so it was hard to get into a comfortable position. Finally, we figured out that if she put her foot on the soap dish it made things easier. It worked for a while, until the force of our body weight ripped the soap dish right out of the wall. We both fell and there was a big hole in the tiles. When her parents came home, she lied and said she'd slipped while she was shaving in the shower.'
- Drew*, 21

*Names have been changed

>>>Go To Part Two

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Tue, 22 Nov 2011 12:00 +0200
Mortifying Sex Moves (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/mortifying-sex-moves-part-two
The Kama Sweatra
'One weekend my fiancé was a bit down, so to cheer him up, I slipped on my new negligee and told him to sit down on the couch and relax. Things quickly heated up, and he asked to try a new position that involved my sitting on his lap facing him and placing my legs behind him over the couch. I was a little sweaty and kept sliding off his lap, so to prevent me from falling, he grabbed my hips. I'm very ticklish there and burst out laughing. It was so intense that I lost control and peed on him. He freaked out and said we should cool it for a bit.'
- Rachel*, 29

Ex-Squeeze Me, Do I Know You?
'I recently had some people over, and my friend brought this good-looking guy. He was hitting on me the entire time, so later I invited him to my room. At that point, the sexual tension was so strong that I pulled him onto the bed with me. While we were going at it, he whispered, "Say my name. Say it." Unfortunately, I had forgotten his name! Then he said, "Wait a second... you don't know my name, do you?" I just shrugged. He was so angry that he threw on his clothes and stormed out.'
- Ann*, 22

Love at First Bite
'One night, my boyfriend and I hung out at a bar with our buddies, and while we were driving back, we stopped at a red robot. I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to tease him with a little oral action. I unzipped his pants and was going down on him when a police car drove up beside us. Panicking, my boyfriend pulled my head closer to his crotch to hide me. The action set off my gag reflex, and I clenched my jaw and accidentally bit down on his member. Since we had been stopped for so long, the policeman pulled over and walked up to see my boyfriend clutching his privates and screaming.'
- Nancy*, 23

Head Butt
'I always had a thing for my good guy friend. Well, one night, when the two of us were at his parents' place, we hooked up in his room after everyone went to sleep. I attempted to try a sex position that involved doing a bridge and bashed my head against the shelf above his bed. I cried out, and all the stuff on his shelf came crashing down. His parents rushed in to see me naked in his bed, holding my head.'
- Jocelyn*, 24

The Naked Chef
'I used to be a waitress and was attracted to a hot chef. Every time we saw each other, we'd flirt. One night, I had to stay late to clean, and we were the last ones there. While I was in the kitchen, he came in to put something away, and we kissed. Before I knew it,
we were naked, with him lying on the floor and me on top. I was pulling out all my best moves, and he cried, 'You are a naughty girl!' He reached behind me to smack my bum, and I accidentally let out a loud fart.'
- Mpho*, 34

Scare Package
'A while ago, I threw a sex-toy party for my friend and got stuck with all these zany sex toys. I didn't have time to throw everything away, so I stashed them in a box under my bed. Months later, I was hooking up with this guy I'd met through co-workers. Right before we had sex, I got up to use the bathroom, and he asked me where I kept the condoms. I told him they were underneath my bed, and when I came back out, he was holding a red dildo. I panicked and tried to explain, but he was totally freaked out. The next day, he told all of my work friends that I was a crazy sex fiend.'
- Shannon*, 31

*Names have been changed

<<<Go To Part One


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Tue, 15 Nov 2011 12:00 +0200
Mortifying Sex Moves (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/mortifying-sex-moves-part-one

Paging Dr Mcweenie
'My boyfriend had just started his residency at a hospital and was exhausted from the long hours. One Sunday night I decided to surprise him when he came home by wearing nothing but risqué stiletto heels. After I got ready, I waited for him in our bedroom. When he saw me, he began ravaging me, and we fell into bed together. 'While we were going at it, I tried to flip him over so that I was on top, and I heard him scream. I had left my shoes on, and when I was turning over, I'd gouged him in the thigh with my sharp heel. He was bleeding, not to mention whining, and I spent the night playing nurse and bandaging him up.'
- Lebo*, 28

Wood You Speak Up?
'After going on a couple of dates with this cute body-builder from my gym, I brought him to my flat to have sex. While we were hooking up, he said that he loved girls who were vocal in bed, so I gave him a lot of verbal feedback. At one point, when my eyes were closed, I threw my head back and said, "I can't wait! I need you inside of me - now!" He suddenly stopped and said, "I am inside of you." I tried to claim that I was lost in the moment and wasn't aware of anything, but I could tell he was pretty offended.'
- Cassandra*, 33

Something's Fishy
'I'd been dating this guy for about a month when he invited me to his place. He was particularly proud of this fancy fish tank he had in his lounge. He said it had taken him days to set it up because everything had to be perfectly arranged for the tropical fish.
'When he slipped the cover off the top of the tank to feed them, I put my arms around him from behind, and we started making out. I ripped his clothes off, and then mine, and threw them aside, thinking I was being sexy. Midway through, I noticed he was staring at the fish in horror: My bright red g-string was at the bottom of the tank. He had never put the cover back on, and while I was stripping, I guess I had tossed my undies in. He had to use a little net to get them out, and one of the fish happened to die three days later.'
- Barbara*, 25

Snot Now!
'Even though I was getting over a nasty cold, my girlfriends convinced me to go out to this new club. When I was there, I met this really attractive guy, and we went to his place to hook up. While I was undressing him, I thought it would be sexy to lick along his happy trail. I was doing my thing when I had to sneeze. Before I could move my head away I let out a big snot rocket right on his perfectly chiselled abs. He looked disgusted and suggested that we just call it a night.'
- Mandy*, 30

Warning: Hot Merchandise
'My friend mentioned that her boyfriend loved it when she went down on him with a mint in her mouth, so I wanted to try it. Two nights later, right before I pleasured my man orally, I popped a couple of breath mints in my mouth. While I was down there, he screamed, "What the hell are you doing?" I stopped, and he ran out of the bedroom to take a shower. I had used extra-strength breath mints and they were too much; he said his member felt like it was burning.'
- Leah*, 21

*Names have been changed

>>>Go To Part Two


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Tue, 08 Nov 2011 12:00 +0200
Uncool Confessions http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/uncool-confessions
Who Let The Dog Out?
'I live with my girlfriend and her golden retriever, Hannah. One night, I went out with the guys, and I promised my girlfriend I wouIdn't drink much. I put in an honest effort but ended up getting hammered. I came home starving, grabbed a can of tuna, and ate it straight from the can. It tasted a little funny, but I just figured it was a new brand. My girl came into the kitchen and I tried convincing her that I wasn't drunk, but she just shook her head and asked me why I was eating Hannah's food. She told me I had to sleep on the couch because my breath smelled so bad.'
- Kyle*, 28

Eye Got You!
'I was chubby in high school, and this jerk teased me relentlessly. Years later, I lost a lot of weight, and the jerk and I were hired at the same company. He didn't remember me, so I made it a point not to tell him who I was. One night, I was watching that scene in Wedding Crashers where the guy puts eye-drops in another guy's drink and it causes him to be on the toilet for hours. The next morning, I made a coffee run and added a ton of eye-drops to the jerk's cup. A few minutes into his coffee, he bolted for the bathroom and didn't come out until lunchtime.'
- Tyrone*, 25

Sleazy Rider
'After a month of working late hours, I felt guilty and decided to surprise my girlfriend at her flat. On the way over, I picked up a dozen roses. When I arrived, I decided to use my set of keys I so I could really surprise her. I opened the door and was shocked to see my girlfriend going at it with some guy on the couch. Neither of them noticed me, so I quietly walked out and keyed nasty words all over her new red convertible. When the alarm started going off, I left. She came running out, calling my name, but I just ignored her.'
- Jonathan*, 29

Commando In Chief
'I work in an office where everyone can see everyone else from their desk. We were remodelling, and there were jagged edges on all of the counters. One day, my pants caught on an unfinished corner, ripping them across the front. Everyone in the office turned to stare, and when I looked down, there was a huge hole on my crotch area. The worst part was that I had gone commando, so everyone saw my package.'
- Jared*, 32

He's a Dancing Queen...
'I live with three guys, and it's rare to have the house to myself. One afternoon, they went to the beach, and I stayed home. I started cleaning and turned on the radio. When ABBA came on, I was pumped. My mom used to listen to them, and I remembered all the words. I was clearing food off the coffee table and singing at the top of my lungs when my roommates walked in with these hot girls. I looked like a total fool, and the girls assumed I was into guys because of my music choice.'
- Thabo*, 24

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 01 Nov 2011 12:00 +0200
A-Holes Anonymous (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/a-holes-anonymous-part-two
Evil Revenge
'I'd been working and suffering abuse at a law firm for years so when I finally got a new job, I couldn't wait to give notice and tried to figure out the best way to do it. That afternoon, my evil boss asked me to fetch him a cup of sparkling water - we had interns around who were supposed to do that kind of thing - so I decided to make my exit sooner than expected. 'I left a letter of resignation and my building pass-key on my desk, then made a screensaver that flashed 'I resign' and locked the computer with a secret password. From what I hear, it took the off-site IT department more than a week to fix the thing because I had unplugged my machine from the network, and nobody thought to check that. The best part is that my co-workers found it hilarious, and regularly sneak onto my old computer and reset the screen saver.'
- Richard*, 31

Laughing Gas
'I signed up for a health class during my first month of university, and we did a section on yoga as part of it. I wasn't really into it and usually just tried to blend in, but the instructor was smoking hot, so that kept me interested. In the middle of one class, we were changing positions, and I accidentally let out an enormous fart. The whole class burst into laughter, and the teacher joined in as well. That was embarrassing, but I just laughed it off and forgot about it. Apparently, not everyone else could, because several months later, I was at a party and approached a girl to hit on her. When I introduced myself, she said, "I know who you are... you're that guy who farted during yoga."'
- Stephen*, 19

Pain In The Butt
'I'd been flirting with this girl in my bar-tending seminar for weeks, and everyone knew I was pretty into her. One day, I came in late because I'd been at a doctor's appointment, and when we struck up a conversation she asked about my late entrance. When I told her where I'd been, she said she didn't believe me and I'd probably come in late because I was hungover. 'We went back and forth for a while before I took out my prescription to show her the proof. She grabbed it, read it, and apparently recognised the medication because she looked grossed out and said, "Ewww, you have haemorrhoids?" Everyone looked at me while I slunk into my seat.'
- Nazir*, 25

Executive Assistant
'The high-maintenance girl I was dating was giving me the runaround, and I was sick of putting up with her BS, so I decided to give it right back to her. The next time she called my office, I had my new assistant interfere. When she asked to speak with me, he said, "I'm sorry, he's in a meeting." When she asked for my direct line, he said he wasn't permitted to give out that information. She kept asking how to reach me, and he kept making it impossible, until she flipped out and said she'd have him fired. When I called her back and she started complaining about my horrible assistant, I made up a sob story about all the hardships he had overcome - like that he was blind and his parents had died in a fire - and what an amazing guy he was. Then I listened as she ate her words.'
- Nick*, 28

*Names have been changed


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Tue, 25 Oct 2011 12:00 +0200
A-Holes Anonymous (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/a-holes-anonymous-part-one
Really Pissed
'I had a friend visiting for the weekend, and we went out and got crazy. Unfortunately, he got so wasted that I decided it would be best to send him home in a taxi. So we gave him my keys, drilled it into him to keep the door unlocked, and sent him on his way. Sure enough, we got home, and he had forgotten about the door. My girlfriend rummaged through her handbag for a set of spare keys, but I was so tired, I passed out in the hall. When she couldn't find the spares, she lay down next to me. We both woke up in the morning to find my elderly neighbours and my roommates peering down at us. Not only did we look like a mess, but during the course of the night, I had managed to pee myself. My girlfriend - whom I was spooning - and I reeked of urine.'
- John*, 25

Hotties For Hire

'I was on a trip with a bunch of my friends. One night we were out at a club, and this girl started chatting me up. We were really hitting it off, and I was sure that she'd come back to my place. When she went to the bathroom I told my friends how I was totally going to score with this awesome girl. They laughed in my face, and one said, "Sure you'll score with her... if you can afford her." I asked what he meant by that, and all my friends burst into more laughter. Then one of them said, "Dude, she's a prostitute - of course you're going to hit it off with her." Apparently, my friends had all noticed her making the rounds and trying to proposition guys in the club. My "game" wasn't as hot as I thought it was.'
- Ziyaad*, 21

Undie Blunder
'I lost a bet and had to wear a pair of pink tightie-whitey underwear my friend had picked out. He also got to decide the night I had to wear them. So, one Saturday, I sported the undies when we headed out to meet more friends. I thought it would just be a boys' night but, out of nowhere, this hot girl started flirting with me, and we went home together. We started making out and removing each other's clothing. But when she unbuttoned my pants, she stopped. 'Uhhh, what's going on?' she asked, nodding toward my drawers. I told her it was a joke, but the mood was ruined. She put on her top and left.'
- Mark*, 23

Pants-Off Standoff
'After watching a rugby game and having some beers with my buddies, I was pretty tipsy. We went out to look for a place to get some food and, for some reason, wound up at an upmarket restaurant. When we walked in and inquired about getting a table, the hostess snobbily informed me that I wouldn't be allowed in due to their dress code. Then he pointed to a sign that read No Jeans Allowed. So, in accordance with his rules, I removed my pants and stood in my boxers, demanding to be seated. I was promptly removed from the restaurant and am no longer allowed inside.'
-Thabo*, 24

Total Nut Job
'My girl's parents took us out to dinner at a fancy French restaurant. The entire menu was in French, and I don't speak a word of the language, so I just pointed to something on the menu and told the waiter I'd have that. Dinner arrived, and I went in for a bite. Suddenly, my throat started closing up, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. My gasping made such a spectacle that my girlfriend's parents stopped eating, and the waiter ran over. In between coughs, I answered the waiter's questions about my allergies. 'Only some nuts,' I said. 'But the menu says it has walnuts,' he responded. I looked like such an idiot in front of my girlfriend's family, not to mention the fact that we had to rush out to get allergy medication.'
- Brian*, 26

*Names have been changed

]]>
Tue, 18 Oct 2011 12:00 +0200
Guy Gaffe (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/guy-gaffe-part-two
'Surprise' Party
During my university holidays, I went to visit my older sister. Her boss at her new job had invited her to a party he was hosting, so I went with her. I proceeded to drink like a student and soon felt sick. I knew I'd vomit any minute, so I told my sister I'd be back and went in search of a bathroom. 'I made it to the master bedroom but then couldn't hold it in anymore. l didn't want to make a mess, so l grabbed a purse lying on the bed and barfed into it. Then l went back to the party and pretended like nothing had happened. The following Monday, my sister called me, livid. Her boss had complained that someone had thrown up into his girlfriend's purse at the party. The minute he'd said it, my sister knew exactly who he was talking about. I offered to pay for a new bag, but she said l couldn't afford it... and more importantly, she didn't want to fess up to having brought the offending guest.'
- John*, 20

Chick Magnet
'I had just moved to a new city and didn't know too many girls. My roommates and I were tired of trying to meet women at bars, so we schemed up a way to make them come to us. Our flat had an open room that we used for storage. So I posted an ad online looking for a female roommate and listed an unbelievably reasonable price for the room. Tons of girls came by to look at it, and each time, we'd ask for their number in order to get back to them about the space. Then we would call and tell them that unfortunately, the room had actually gone to someone else... but we thought, they were really cool and would love to hang out. It worked every time.'
- Nevin*, 24

Awkward Ambush
'After a marathon study session in the library, I was heading back to my flat and saw my girlfriend walking about 50 metres in front of me. Happy to see her, I ran up behind her, grabbed her waist, and whispered something naughty in her ear. When the woman started screaming, I realised it wasn't my girlfriend at all. She turned around, and l came face to face with one of my girlfriend's closest friends. Appalled, she ran off before l could explain, and my girlfriend was pissed when she heard about the mix-up.'
- Roy*, 20

Wedding Crasher
'I had to attend a wedding in Durban. I lost the invitation, but remembered the name of the hotel and called to confirm they were hosting the Taylor wedding and book a room. I arrived too late to attend the ceremony, so I went straight to the reception. I didn't recognise anyone, but figured they were the groom's extended family. Since there weren't assigned seats, I plopped down at a table and made conversation with random people. But when the bride and groom entered the room, I realised I was at the wrong wedding! I rushed to the front desk, where the clerk informed me that there were two Taylor weddings at different hotel branches that weekend. 'I went back to get my coat just as they were making a toast to whoever had travelled the farthest to be there. Since the people I'd been chatting with knew where I was from, they yelled that I was the winner and made me say a few words. I got up to the mike and said, 'l'm not gonna lie .... l'm at the wrong wedding.' The whole room erupted with laughter. Too bad it was true!'
- Matt*, 33

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 11 Oct 2011 12:00 +0200
Guy Gaffe (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/guy-gaffe-part-one
Driven To Stupidity

'The day after I bought my first car with electric windows, a bakkie with two beautiful girls inside pulled up to my left. The one in the passenger's seat looked over, and we exchanged smiles. She rolled down her window, and I thought I'd do the same and ask for her number. I tried to do it suavely by continuing to look straight ahead, but when I turned to put my head out the window, I smacked my face against it. I saw the girls laughing and realised that I'd put the back window down instead. I was so embarrassed, I went straight through the red robot.'
- Ben*, 25

Flash Dancer
'During a party, I hit the dance floor and started getting down with this hot girl. She was grinding on me, and I was becoming uncontrollably horny. I could feel myself getting a hard-on, so I tucked my member between my belt and my stomach to conceal it better in my pants. We continued dancing, but when I raised my arms, one of my buddies yelled, 'Look at what's going on in Brad's pants!' Everyone in the room turned around. My shirt had ridden up, and they all could see my soldier peeking out over my waistband. The girl made a face and high-tailed it out of there.'
- Brad*, 22

Ex and The City
'When I left my hometown for a job, my girlfriend and I dated long-distance for a while before she decided to move to my city. The plan was that she would go to university and we would live together. About a week before she came, my friends were out at a bar back home and called me to say they saw my girlfriend making out with some other dude. I was infuriated and I wanted to get back at her, so I didn't mention anything and let her register for classes and move. 'When she showed up at the apartment we were supposed to share, I met her with all my stuff packed up. I informed her that I was on my way out and would be returning to a job in my hometown. She was shocked, but since she was already registered, she had to stay in the new place by herself and scramble to find a roommate.'
- Jan*, 26

She's Just Not That Into You
'I was casually hooking up with this girl and I could tell she wanted things to get more serious, but I had zero interest in taking it to the next level. After she left my flat one day, l started talking with my roommates about how l needed to break things off with her. l listed all the reasons l wasn't that into her, and my roommates chimed in with more comments about why they thought she wasn't the girl for me. 'Later that evening, I went over to her place and told her we needed to talk. Before l could say anything further, she cut me off and said, 'I know.' Glaring, she told me that she had been standing outside my flat the entire time I'd been speaking with my roommates and heard the whole conversation in which we'd hated on her. She beat me to it and dumped me on the spot.'
- Kabir*, 24

Creepy Co-worker
'I always kid around with one of my female coworkers that I liked her predecessor way more than I like her. So one day, when the woman she had replaced was back in the office to say hello, I jokingly tried to make my co-worker feel bad by throwing a welcome-back party for the other woman. I ordered a cake, put up decorations, and sent an office-wide e-mail inviting everyone to a gathering that would celebrate her visit. But my timing was off - my coworker was actually in a meeting all afternoon, so she didn't even witness the party. Instead, it just looked like I was creepily obsessed with this woman, so she and my co-workers were really uncomfortable during the whole thing. Total backfire.'
- Grant*, 29

*Names had been changed

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Tue, 04 Oct 2011 12:00 +0200
No Way, Dude! http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/no-way-dude
What's My Line?
'I'm the singer in a local band, and we had an opportunity to play at a venue where lots of record people recruit talent. I couldn't wait to tell my girlfriend because it was one of her favourite places. Before I could break the news, she told me she was leaving me for another guy. I was devastated, but when it came time to perform, I tried to pull it together. I got on stage and was about to sing when I looked into the crowd and saw my ex making out with her new guy. I froze and forgot all the lyrics. My band stopped playing, and everyone was staring at me.'
- Thabo*, 29

Bye-Bye, Brown-Noser
'My co-worker is always sucking up to our boss, and it's clear that he's the favourite. When our boss went out of town for a week, he was entrusted with watering the office plants. Our boss is strangely obsessed with his plants and only waters them with expensive bottled water. One night after my co-worker left, I snuck into the secretary's desk drawer, stole her nail polish remover, and poured it onto our boss's plants. When our boss returned, his plants were shriveled and brown. After that, my co-worker no longer received preferential treatment.'
- Nazir*, 31

Feeling The Heat
'At university, I invited a girl over to my room in res. I lit some candles, even though they weren't allowed, and eventually we started hooking up. Neither of us had shirts on when the fire alarm started going off. I looked over and saw that one of the candles was smoking big-time. The door to my room burst open, and three people came running in, screaming at us to evacuate. When they saw us and the smoking candle, they told us to get dressed and come out into the hallway. After that, we were put on hallway clean-up for a month.'
- Sean*, 23

How Nude!
'I was at a party thrown by a girl my friend knew. We hit it off and started making out. When everyone began cheering us on, we went to her room for some privacy. We hooked up, and when I woke up the next morning, my clothes weren't there. I called my friend to see if he knew where my stuff was, and he just laughed. My friends had sneaked into the room and stolen all of my clothes. I begged them to come back, but they refused. I ended up having to borrow stuff from the girl. She drove me home, and I only had to run from her car to my front door, but my neighbours saw me in velour pants and a tiny shirt.'
- Lucas*, 21

Will You Marry... Nah

'I went to a bar with my girlfriend and friends. In a drunken stupor, I turned to my girl and joked, 'Wanna marry me?' She screamed yes. I didn't really want to propose, but she was excited, so I went with it. Later, she left to drive a friend home. My girl's hot cousin was there, and we ended up making out. A few weeks later, my girlfriend found out and dumped me. I guess it's not cool to kiss someone's cousin the same night you propose.'
- Maurice*, 25

Alley Rat
'One night, I was walking home from a bar and had to pee. I was alone, so I stopped in an alley and relieved myself. Being drunk made me a little sloppy as I was peeing. Then a bright light was flashed on me. I couldn't see what was going on, but heard someone telling me to zip my pants. When my eyes adjusted, I saw it was my girlfriend's father. He's a police officer and was on the night shift. He told me that public urination was against the law, but that he would let it slide this time since I was a nice kid. I barely looked at him before I ran away.'
- Jared*, 26

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 27 Sep 2011 12:00 +0200
Holy Moly! (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/holy-moly-part-two

Risque Business
'I work for an investment firm, and whenever bankers from our foreign branches are in town, it's my job to play host and take them out. When people from our London office visited, we all went out after work. I started chatting up one of the women I was entertaining and we totally hit it off. After a few too many drinks, we started making out in front of everyone. The next morning, the whole office was talking about my very public encounter. At the end of the day, my boss called me into his office and yelled at me about my lack of respect. Apparently, the woman I'd made out with is his goddaughter, and he wasn't too happy about our hookup.'
- John*, 25

Foul Ball
'I'm a soccer player, so when I was looking at universities, I'd often arrange to meet with the coaches. When I visited my first-choice university, I really wanted to make a good impression and asked to practice with the team. Since I'd heard the coach was pretty tough, I went all out, trying to outrun and outplay the other guys. I could tell the teammates thought I was being a suck up, so at the end of practice, I tried to lighten up. All the players were messing around with each other, so I picked up a ball and launched it at one guy. I figured he'd grab it, but instead, he ducked and the ball hit the coach - who was standing behind him - smack in the face. I got ripped off in front of everyone and didn't get asked to play for the team.'
- Thabo*, 19

Loser In Translation
'During my first year at university, I studied overseas in Rome. I didn't speak any Italian, so I arranged to stay with a host family to learn the language. On the day that I arrived, they had arranged this huge feast with all of their neighbours and extended family. As soon as we sat down to eat, I realised the main course was meatballs. When I tried to explain that I was a vegetarian, they misunderstood and served me more. I managed to hide about five meatballs in my napkin, and before the dessert course, I ran to the bathroom to dispose of the meat in the toilet. When the water started overflowing, I ran out to explain subtly to my host mom what had happened. She followed me to the bathroom and started screaming. All of the guests came to see what was going on and, three months later, they were still telling the story.'
- Jared*, 22

Ivy Be-leaguered
'My friends and I rented a beach house that was right next door to a bunch of cute girls. I immediately hit it off with one of them, but after a few days, my friend announced that he wanted to get with her. That night we all went out, and I saw the two of them hooking up. I was so pissed off that I decided to get even. While they were still at the bar, I went back to our house, grabbed a plastic bag, and headed outside. I covered my arm with the plastic bag, then grabbed handfuls of the poison ivy we'd been warned about when we arrived. Then I went to my friend's bedroom and rubbed the plant all over his sheets. I hid the evidence and went back to my room. The girl must have spent the night because by the next afternoon, they were both covered in a rash. They were miserable for the rest of the week.' - Chris*, 29

Saved By The Cell
'I'd been trying to get with this girl for a while. So when I ran into her at a party, I finally came clean and told her I really liked her. She seemed very uncomfortable and made up an excuse about how she had to go find her friend and walked away. It was obvious I didn't have a shot, so when another girl starting flirting with me and then invited me to her res, I went along. When we arrived at her room, I got a SMS from the girl I liked saying she was sorry for acting so strange, but it was only because she liked me too, and she was still at the party looking for me. I told the other girl I had to use the bathroom, which was down the hall. But instead, I snuck out of the building and went back to the party to find my first choice.'
- Sean*, 20

*Names have been changed


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Tue, 20 Sep 2011 12:00 +0200
Holy Moly! (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/holy-moly-part-one
Rub-a-Dub Flub

'When my girlfriend's parents decided to go away for the weekend and leave her home alone, we were psyched to take full advantage of the empty house. Early Saturday morning, I went to her place and, after checking that there was no car in the garage, walked in and headed upstairs. When I heard the shower running, I got the idea to give my girlfriend a wet 'n' wild surprise. I stripped off all of my clothes, quietly entered the bathroom, and slid open the shower curtain. But instead of seeing my girl, I found myself face-to-face with her mother. Turns out, she'd stayed behind since she wasn't feeling well. We both screamed, and I ran out. My girlfriend laughed it off, but it was weeks before I went back to her house.'
- Andrew*, 23

Randy Room Raider
'My roommate and I had always gotten along really well - until he started dating this new girl. She was so annoying, and when he started acting more and more like her, I knew something had to be done. So when they went away one weekend, I bought a girl's G-string and stuck it in his bed. The night they came back, they went to his room, and an hour later, I heard yelling, and then she stormed out. That was the last we saw of the girl, and I even convinced my friend that she had planted the goods as an excuse to break up with him.'
- Matt*, 26

Surf Upchuck
'I work at a local politician's office, and one day she arranged a staff harbour cruise. I hadn't been on a boat in years, but I figured it would be fun. An hour into the cruise, I started feeling ill and excused myself to go to the bathroom. I didn't make it in time, and I threw up all over my tux in front of my co-workers. I didn't have a change of clothes, so I reeked for the rest of the night. And as if that wasn't bad enough, the next day my story was posted on a political blog for everyone to read about.'
- Habib*, 31

Booty Camp
'During the summer holidays, I work at a camp. I was dating another camp counsellor, and when we finally had a day off together, we took advantage of the free time. After breakfast, the campers went to the pool for swimming lessons, and my girlfriend and I went to her cabin and jumped into bed. Before long, we were totally naked, and she told me to grab a condom from her bag. As I was walking across the cabin, a dozen 11-year-old girls came barging in. It had started to rain, so swimming lessons had been cut short. They all screamed and ran out. Soon the whole camp found out, and all the girls were calling me 'hairy monster.'
- Dean*, 22

Safe and Sorry
'When my girlfriend left for a two-month job-training trip, I quickly became sexually frustrated, so I started fooling around with another girl. Every time my hook-up buddy came over - which was often - I'd run to the supermarket below my flat and buy condoms. When my girlfriend returned, I ended it with the other woman. A week later, my girl and I went to the supermarket, and when the cashier saw me, he grabbed a pack of condoms and said, 'For my best customer! Why haven't you been in lately?' My girlfriend stormed out and broke up with me later that day.'
- Frank*, 27

*Names have been changed


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Tue, 13 Sep 2011 12:00 +0200
Big Boy Boo Boos (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/big-boy-boo-boos-part-two
Fitness-Class Flop
'I recently joined a gym near my flat. One of the instructors is really hot, so one day I signed up for her spinning class, thinking I'd finally get a chance to talk to her. I showed up for the class early to get a bike up front and was the only guy in a room full of women. Halfway through, I stood up on the bike to show her how strong I was. The movement of the wheels caught me off guard, and I was thrown forward over the handlebars. I got really bruised and basically crawled out of the room. But it was all worth it, because after class, the instructor gave me her number.'
- Jake*, 31

Hose the Boss?
'All through university, I worked for a catering company. The work was tough, and my boss was a total jerk. He always made us stay late and yelled at us in front of guests. I hated working for him, but I really needed the money. A couple of weeks before graduation, we catered a party for a bunch of the town's socialites, which was the biggest event the company had ever done. While my boss was talking with the guests, I snuck back into the kitchen and mixed laxatives into the mashed potatoes. By the dessert course, everyone was lining up at the bathroom. My boss had to deal with complaints about it for the next month, and I couldn't help but smile every time l heard him apologising like a wuss over the phone.'
- Peter*, 22

Rah! Rah! Rogue
'I'm a reserve on my varsity rugby team, and I hardly ever get to play. At our biggest home game of the year, the coach finally decided to put me in. I jumped up from the bench, excited to show off my skills to the fans. But when I pulled off my tracksuit pants the crowd went silent. Since I almost never play in the games, I had forgotten to put on my shorts underneath. The whole school got a glimpse of me in my tightie-whities.'
- Cameron*, 21

Lie, Cheat and Squeal
'Last semester, I took an English seminar with my roommate, Chris. On the first day of class we walked into the lecture hall and right away noticed this really hot girl. Chris is a bit of a player, and he didn't waste any time getting to know her. Before long, I started really liking her, but by then, Chris was flirting with her during every class. I knew he was only interested in her for one reason, so I decided that this time, I'd win the girl. After an exam, I went to the professor's office and left an anonymous note in his mailbox, saying that I had seen Chris cheating. He was kicked out of the class, and I finally got to ask the girl out.'
- Kyle*, 21

Snake On a Plane
'I live in Canada and my family is in Joburg so the flight home is really long. Last time I flew back, I noticed there were empty seats in first class, so I asked one of the flight attendants for a free upgrade. She hesitated, so l told her I was a doctor and needed to be well-rested since I was scheduled for surgery the next day. She immediately led me to first class, seated me next to a hot woman, and said, 'Here you go, doctor.' For the next hour, I flirted with the woman, impressing her with stories from the ER. Then all of a sudden, a flight attendant ran up and said they needed my help because a pregnant woman was having contractions. I totally froze and had to fess up. The crew moved me back to coach and told me I was no longer welcome on the airline.'
- Dane*, 32

*Names have been changed


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Tue, 06 Sep 2011 12:00 +0200
Big Boy Boo Boos (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/big-boy-boo-boos-part-one

Birthday-Boy Boob
'Last year I wanted to organise something for my birthday, but my friends blew me off, and my parents said they already had plans. My girlfriend felt bad so she took me out to dinner. My mom had told me to be back by 9pm to feed the dog, so after eating, my girl and I headed to my house and started kissing in the car. By the time we got inside, both of our shirts were off. Wanting to take advantage of the empty house, I led her to the kitchen, and we lay down on the floor. Just then the lights came on, and we heard 'Surprise!' My parents had organised a surprise party with all of my friends, but hadn't told my girlfriend since she can't keep a secret.'
- Alex*, 23

Dump 'n' Drive
'I'd been dating this girl for a month when I started to lose interest. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I said I wasn't ready for a relationship. That night, I ended up at the same party as her. I managed to avoid her and ended up meeting this hot girl. Later on, the girl and I left the party together, but when we got to her car, we realised we were both too drunk to drive. So she went inside to see if her cousin could drive, and I waited in the backseat. You can imagine my surprise when the girl I was "dating" got behind the wheel. As soon as I realised they were cousins, I knew I was going home alone.'
- James*, 23

Logging 0-vertime
'My company has a no-dating policy amongst co-workers so my girlfriend, who's my boss's secretary, and I have kept our relationship on the DL. One day, my girlfriend and I were working late, and at around 9pm we realised we had the office to ourselves. She told me to meet her in the ladies' room, and soon, we were getting it on in a cubicle. Once we finished, we opened the door to the bathroom and ran smack into my boss in the hall. She had come back for a file she'd forgotten. Luckily, we weren't fired, and she told us that as long as we stayed out of the public restrooms that we could continue seeing each other.'
- Will*, 31

Señor Slimeball
'Last winter, my girlfriend invited me on her family holiday. Her parents had rented a house, and I was psyched that they were letting us stay in the same room. One night after we did the deed, I realised there was no bin to put the condom in. I didn't want to toss it in the bathroom since we were sharing it with her parents, so I shoved the used condom in a dirty sock on the floor, thinking l would deal with it later. The next day, my girlfriend's mom pulled my girlfriend aside to talk. Earlier, she'd decided to do our laundry and got my slimy surprise.'
- Lucas*, 29

Naked Truth
'My girlfriend lives far away, so we're always looking for ways to make the time apart easier. One day, I got the idea to take a photo of myself with my camera phone and send it to her cell. I took off my shirt, snapped a picture, and sent it. I got a SMS back saying she wanted to see more. So I sent another of me just in my boxers. She wrote back asking me to take it all off. I obliged and sent a photo of myself completely naked. The next day, my girlfriend called me, laughing hysterically. Turns out, her little brother had taken her phone, and he was the one SMSing me.'
- Glenn*, 20

He's All Wet
'Just before the summer holidays, my res hosts a huge party, and we invite all the hottest girls from our year. During a game of pool, I noticed a girl eyeing me. We started flirting, and when she invited me to her place, I didn't hesitate. We got in her bed, but before long we both passed out. I must have been really drunk because later on I woke up and realised I had wet the bed. The girl was still sleeping so I left, went back to the party, changed my clothes, and told everyone she had wet the bed. My res mates still laugh about the story, and nobody knows what really happened.'
-Tom*, 23

*Names have been changed


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Tue, 16 Aug 2011 12:00 +0200
Guilty as Charged (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/guilty-as-charged-part-two
Morning-After Misery

'I work at an advertising firm, and the office environment is really stressful. I never go out during the week, but my boss was planning on taking the Friday before a long weekend off, so I figured I could show up late. I went on a bar crawl the night before and didn't roll out of bed until 10am on Friday morning, feeling totally hungover. 'When I walked into the office, everyone was in the conference room. A client had scheduled a meeting at the last minute, so my boss cancelled his time off. He waved me in, and as soon as I sat down, l started to feel sick. I stood up to go to the bathroom, but it was too late - I threw up right on the conference table.'
- Robert*, 25

What a Putt Head
'My girlfriend's dad is really protective of her, and he has always been kind of a jerk to me. After a year of dating his daughter, he invited me to spend the day golfing with him, and I couldn't say no. My girlfriend kept stressing how important it was to make a good impression on him, so by the time our golf date rolled around, I was pretty nervous. On the first hole, I swung my club back. My palms must have been really sweaty, because it flew out of my hands. It hit my girlfriend's dad in the face, and his nose started gushing blood. I brought him to the hospital, where he had to get three stitches on his lip. I apologised profusely, but the scar on his face is a lasting reminder of my mess up.'
- Oliver*, 27

You Got Served!
'My friend applied for a manager position at a restaurant and used me as a personal reference. A few days later, I discovered that he had taken my ex out on a couple of dates. I was pissed, but instead of confronting him, I waited until I got a call from the restaurant. I told the interviewer that he was a great guy, especially now that he was in anger management, and as long as he didn't have to deal with women, his anger shouIdn't be a problem. When my friend called later to say he didn't get the job, I just apologised and told him that if he ever needed another reference, I'd be more than happy to help out.'
- Keegan*, 28

Dial-a-Dummy
'I was at a bar when I saw this gorgeous woman. After a few drinks, I got up the courage to make a move. I found a piece of paper in my wallet, wrote my number on it, then walked over. I introduced myself and told her that I'd love to take her out. To my surprise, she said yes, so I gave her the paper with my number. She took one look at it, said, "On second thought, I think not," and handed the piece of paper back to me before walking away. I looked at it and realised I had written my number on the back of my little brother's prescription for oral herpes medication, which I was supposed to pick up the next day.'
-Tom*, 30

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 26 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200
Guilty as Charged (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/guilty-as-charged-part-one

Poolside Peep Show
'When my sister matriculated, my parents hosted a braai at our house. All of my friends came, as did our extended family. After going for a swim in our pool, I went upstairs to change my clothes. I threw on a pair of pants and a T-shirt, then went back downstairs. Later, my parents, my sister, and I posed for photos, but after a few minutes, my aunt pulled me aside and told me that my fly was down. Since I wasn't wearing any boxers, my private parts were visible. I quickly zipped up, but the next day, my friends had posted the photos on Facebook, and everyone had a permanent reminder of my flasher moment.'
- Nathan*, 22

Say My Name!
'I was out with a bunch of my friends at a bar one night and met this cute girl. We started talking and really hit it off. We flirted all night, and when the bar closed, she invited me back to her place. We arrived at her flat and ended up in bed. While we were hooking up, I accidentally said my ex-girlfriend's name. Then the girl said, 'Do you even know what my name is?' I took a guess and said Kate. Turns out, her name is Megan. She kicked me out of her bed, and then I had to call my friends to come and pick me up.' - Tim*, 24

Tropical Wood
'I took my girlfriend on holiday to Mauritius last month and wanted to make sure it was really special. I planned all these activities for us, including an afternoon in the hotel spa. When we arrived for our side-by-side massages, we were told to strip down and lie face up on our respective tables, which were divided by a curtain. 'Once I was on the table with the sheet over the lower half of my body, the masseuses came in and drew back the curtains. They'd told us to lie face up since they would begin by massaging our faces. Suddenly, I started to feel really turned on by her touch, and before I knew it, I had gotten an erection. Both of the masseuses and my girlfriend quickly noticed the tent I had pitched, and I was so embarrassed that I grabbed the sheet and left the room.'
- Ben*, 28

Caught Getting Buzzy
'For my university holidays, a bunch of my friends and I made plans to go to Durban. My friend is a total player, and he kept talking about how he was going to get with this girl I like down there. A few days before we left, I overheard him say his plan was to get her in bed, then ditch her after the trip. So I decided to teach him a lesson. 'I bought a hot pink vibrator and snuck it into Tom's suitcase on the day we were leaving for the airport. Later, as we were going through security, Tom was chatting up the girl when a guard asked to look through his bags. My crush saw the toy and was totally grossed out. She ignored him for the whole holiday, and I ended up hooking up with her instead.'
- Derek*, 20

Wax On, Wax Ouch!
'I'm a swimmer, and every season before the biggest competition of the year, everyone on the team has to get rid of their body hair. The reason is that we'll swim faster with less "drag" to slow us down. This year, I made up my mind to wax instead of shave. I bought a do-it-yourself kit, and after my roommates left for a weekend trip, I got to work in the kitchen. I warmed up the wax in the microwave, and after de-fuzzing my legs, I figured I might as well do my privates since I'd never tried it before. I took off my boxers and started applying the stuff down there. Just as I was slathering it on, my two roommates and their girlfriends walked in. They had forgotten something in the flat and caught me having a kitchen beauty session in the buff.'
- David*, 22

*Names have been changed


]]>
Tue, 26 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200
His Dirty Little Secrets http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/his-dirty-little-secrets
Knocked Out!
'I took this girl I really liked to a soccer game. Throughout the day, she kept mentioning how she loved tough guys. At one point, this drunk jerk behind us was rude and started saying really obnoxious things. Remembering that she liked manly men, I turned around and told him to knock it off. The next thing I knew, I was laying on the ground with her standing over me. The guy had punched me, and I had gone down for the count, like a total wuss.'
- Andrew*, 30

Out Of The Closet
'I hadn't dated anyone for a while, and my mom was on my case about finding a nice girl. What she didn't know was that I had been hooking up with a "not-so-nice girl" for months. One day, my mom was over because we were going to a family wedding. She offered to iron my shirt, and I told her it was in my cupboard. When she came back, she was carrying a box of my girl's toys - which included handcuffs, a vibrator, flavoured lube, and lots of other things. She dropped the box on the floor and told me she had no clue I was gay. I guess she didn't realise straight couples get kinky. When l tried to explain, she just walked out.'
- Nicholas*, 26

Care For a Tour-gasm?

'My girlfriend and I were visiting her cousin, who is a tour guide in another city. One day, he was showing people around the historic district, and we decided to join in. While we were walking around, listening to him point things out, we started to feel frisky. We found an alley behind a famous museum and got busy. Suddenly, we heard footsteps coming toward us, so we quickly scrambled for our clothes. That's when her cousin came around the corner with 10 other tourists. They had heard my girl and thought she was hurt before realising it was a different kind of moaning.'
- David*, 23

Zipped In The Bud
'I was at my girlfriend's house one night, and her parents were out for dinner. We were messing around on the couch when we heard them opening the front door. I quickly pulled up my zip and suddenly felt the most intense pain. ln my haste, I'd zipped some of the skin on my member. When her parents walked in, they found me on my knees, trying not to cry like a baby.'
- Jacob*, 18

Hook, Line, and Stinker
'My girlfriend was working at a children's camp, and I decided to drive up and surprise her one day. When I arrived, I couIdn't find her, so I went down to the lake and saw this hot girl fishing. She said my girlfriend had taken some kids into town and wouldn't be back for a few hours, but I could hang with her until then. We sat by the water, talked, and eventually started hooking up. When we heard the bus pull up with all the campers, we quickly put our clothes back on. My girlfriend was psyched to see me, and I ended up getting lucky twice that day.'
- Michael*, 24

Grass Ass
'During the summer, I used to mow the neighbourhood lawns for extra cash. At one house, a girl was always sunbathing outside with her friends while I did my job. One day, they were all in tiny bikinis, rubbing each other with suntan lotion. I totally lost all sense of what I was doing and ran the lawn mower into a tree - breaking it and getting a huge bruise on my leg in the process. I'm not sure what was worse, being humiliated in front of those beautiful girls or having to shell out the money to buy a new lawnmower.'
- Matt*, 21

*Names have been changed

]]>
Wed, 20 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200
Spill The Beans (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/spill-the-beans-part-two
Parent Trap
'During my university holidays, my parents went away for a week and left me with the house all to myself, so I had a bunch of friends over for a holiday shindig. About 50 people showed up, and we began blasting music and dancing. In the middle of the festivities, one of my friends spilled a drink on her jeans, and I said she could borrow a pair of my mom's pants. I was busy with the party, so I let her go into my parents' room by herself. Five minutes later, she came running out of the room holding a large rubber dildo and shouted, 'Look what I found in your mom's cupboard!' Someone abruptly turned off the music, and everyone stopped to stare at my mother's sex toy. I almost died.'
- Rob*, 21

Bus 'n' Grind
'At university, I was on the tennis team. I liked Sandy*, a drop-dead gorgeous girl from the team, but her boyfriend happened to be the captain, so I resisted temptation and stopped myself from making a play for her. One weekend, we were going to a big match at another university and had to travel five hours on a bus. At a rigorous practice the day before the match, Sandy's boyfriend pulled his hamstring, so he stayed behind. Sandy and I ended up sitting next to each other on the bus. On the way home that night, everyone fell asleep and we flirted hardcore. Eventually, we pulled a large wool blanket over our laps and fooled around. Sandy kept dating her boyfriend, but for the rest of the season, we slept together on the sly.'
- Adam*, 22

Trigger Happy
'During the holidays, my girlfriend and I spent a lot of time hooking up in her parents' house while they were asleep upstairs. One night, we were making out with our clothes on. Suddenly, her father came running downstairs in his bright-red bathrobe and slippers, so we stopped kissing immediately. I thought I was in the clear, until I saw that he was carrying a shotgun! I panicked and moved as far away from my girlfriend as possible. I was absolutely terrified that her dad was planning to shoot me right then and there, but he sprinted past us and went out the door. It turned out that hordes of rats were destroying their prized family garden, and her father was staging a surprise attack. Even though he wasn't going after me, the image of my girlfriend's burly father with a shotgun ruined the mood for me that night.'
- Jan*, 20

Oldie But a Woodie
'One warm Sunday morning, I woke up early and walked out of my house in my boxers to grab the newspaper. As I bent over to pick it up, I heard my neighbour, a 73-year-old single woman, say, 'That's quite good for a man your age!' I looked down and realised that my prominent morning erection was popping out of the slit in my boxers. She was staring at it like she hadn't seen a penis in years, which I'm fairly certain she hadn't! Every time I see her now, she gives me this disturbing pervy smile and reminds me about the incident. She even told my grandmother about it.'
- Ryan*, 30

*Names have been changed

]]>
Tue, 05 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200
Spill The Beans (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/spill-the-beans-part-one

Double D-Caption
'I was walking to my flat one day when I ran into a girl from work who has huge breasts. I had a crush on her, so when she told me that she had missed her lift and her cell was dead, I said she could come to my place and use my phone to call someone for a ride. Even though I have a girlfriend, I decided to hit on her, and when we were at my house, we ended up stripping and doing the deed. After she left, my girlfriend came over. I brought her to my room to have sex, and just as we were about to get down to business, she stopped, pointed to the top of my drawers, and said, 'What the hell is that?' I realised that when I wasn't looking, the girl from work had left behind her bra with her number next to it. I tried to make up an explanation, but my girlfriend just slapped me and stormed out of the room.
- Mark*, 30

The Trojan Wars

'My girlfriend goes to university in her hometown, so she still lives with her parents. One afternoon, her mother found a box of condoms while she was cleaning my girlfriend's room. She told me about it and insisted that her mother wasn't mad, but a couple of days later, I got a letter in the mail from her mom. I opened it up, and inside was a condom with a note that read, 'I'm glad you are using protection while having sex with my little girl.' I was so embarrassed that I refused to go to her house for an entire month.'
- Carl*, 23

Randy Room Service
'In my last year of high school, I was working as a waiter at a local hotel when this gorgeous businesswoman with red hair checked in. She had a ton of luggage, and I eagerly offered my services. In the elevator, we exchanged a couple of naughty glances. When we got to her room, she smiled coyly at me as I opened the door. I unloaded all of her luggage and she gave me a tip. Just as I was heading out, she asked if I could help her with the zipper on the back of her tight dress. I unzipped her dress, and she let the top fall to her waist. Before l knew it, we were going at it on the floor. An hour later, I finally made it back to the restaurant, and I got in trouble with my boss for taking an unscheduled break.'
- Anthony*, 19

Whipping Boy

'When I first moved to Johannesburg, I had a roommate who was a total jerk. He would take all of my stuff without asking, eat the food in the flat, and constantly leave the place a wreck. One night, he had a raging party and l came home to find his best friend having sex in my bed. That was the last straw. I knew my roommate had a big interview with a law firm later in the week, and he'd had his only suit dry-cleaned just for the occasion. The morning of the interview, I woke up early and filled the pockets of his jacket and pants with whipped cream. Then I went through his briefcase and wrote 'Will work for food' on his CV. When I came home that night, he was absolutely furious, and he moved out two days later.'
- Zach*, 27

*Names have been changed

]]>
Tue, 05 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200
Whoa, Man... (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/whoa-man-part-two
Loudmouthed Loser
'I had been chosen to be the MC for an event at university. In addition to planning jokes and funny interludes, I thought that while I had the mike, I would make a huge romantic gesture toward a girl I liked. In between acts, I announced that, before I continued with the programme, I wanted to give a special shout-out to a girl who didn't know that I had a killer crush on her and that I was wondering if she'd go out with me that weekend. Then I announced her name. 'I thought my ballsy move would blow her away, but when I looked over at her, her face had turned bright red. When I asked her again into the mike if she would go out with me, she glared back and shook her head... in front of the entire university. The only thing I heard afterward was the hall erupting into laughter.'
- Carl*, 26

A Dirty Mind
'I was on my way to an interview for a prestigious scholarship, and I was wearing a really expensive suit. After raining all morning, the weather finally cleared up, so I decided I would walk there. I was strolling along when a bus drove by really close to the pavement. There were still lots of puddles on the street, so when the bus passed, it hit a giant one, splashing muddy water all over me. 'I didn't have time to change clothes before the interview, so when I got to the office, I dashed to the bathroom, wrung out my suit, then tried to finish it off by using the hand dryers. I walked into the interview in a damp, wrinkly outfit, smelling like bathroom soap. They were less than impressed, and oddly, I didn't get offered the scholarship.'
- Kevin*, 21

One Strike, Two Balls
'I'm a PE teacher at a primary school, and I had been really nervous around my hot co-worker. On the day we were teaching the students how to play cricket, I figured it would be the perfect time to impress her with how helpful and sensitive I could be around children. I was showing one of the girls how to hit the ball, and when I thought she was ready, I let her try it on her own. When I tossed her the ball, she swung and hit it really hard. The ball whipped right back at me, pounding me in the balls. I fell over backward, in total pain after the blow from this little girl. I came off like a huge pansy in front of the woman I was trying to impress.'
- Lee*, 19

Totally Tanked
'My girlfriend's car wouldn't start one morning, and since it had worked the evening before, she thought that someone might have put sugar in the tank, which supposedly ruins the engine. She asked me if I would check to see, and I agreed, even though I had no idea how to go about it. I figured I would just remove the petrol cap and feel for sugar with my finger. I did that, but when I went to remove my finger, it wouldn't budge, no matter how hard I pulled. After we tried for half an hour to pry my finger out, my girlfriend had to call the fire department. She must have sounded hysterical on the phone because they arrived with an entire cavalry, and a team of five people had to hammer away at the opening in order to set me free. We found out later that the reason for the breakdown was that I had left the car in reverse.'
- Brian*, 22

*Names have been changed

]]>
Tue, 21 Jun 2011 12:00 +0200
Whoa, Man... (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/whoa-man-part-one
Hacked and Sacked

'I eyed this girl on campus for months before I finally got the nerve to talk to her. I created an excuse to ask her a question and then started chatting her up. I must have given off the vibe that I was interested because, right away, she dropped the bomb that she had a boyfriend. Bummed, but not discouraged, I got my computer-savvy friend to hack into her boyfriend's Facebook account and change his relationship status to 'single.' The girl must have flipped when she found out, because the next thing I heard, they'd gotten into a huge fight and broken things off. A few days later, I asked her about her boyfriend, totally playing it off like I had no idea they were through. When she told me what had happened, I offered to take her out for coffee to get her mind off the breakup. My plan worked, because after our little date, she came back to my room, and we hooked up.'
- Emmett*, 20

An Amusing Sermon
'From time to time, I do the readings at my church. Once, when it was my turn to go, I walked down the aisle and then up to the podium, but when I turned to face the congregation, I noticed a girl in the front row start giggling. I tried to shrug it off and focus on reading the passage, but when I looked up, I saw that even more people were smirking. Finally, I was so embarrassed that I stopped reading and looked down at my shirt to see if maybe there was something I'd spilled. It turns out, my belt had been pushed forward, creating a loop-like bump underneath my sweater. The entire time I'd been talking, it looked like I had a huge erection'
- Bob*, 26

Go-Getter Gaffe
'When I first started at my job, each of the entry-level employees was paired with an upper-level person who would act as a mentor. They made a huge deal about it and announced our partners in front of everyone at a big meeting. I thought that when they named mine, I'd say 'Let's do it!' to show how psyched I was to start the training programme and get in good with the person. When they said the name of my mentor, I pumped my fist and said my line. Only then did I realise that I was paired with a really hot woman, so it seemed like I was hitting on her. Everyone went silent, and she looked really uncomfortable. I tried to laugh it off, but things were really awkward between us for a while.'
- Michael*, 32

Kiss Them Goodbye
'My buddies and I were out at a bar, and there was this obnoxious couple in the corner making out in front of everyone. We tried dropping hints to get them to stop, but they kept sucking face conspicuously. It was grossing us out, so a group of us went over, knelt around them, flipped up our collars, and sang 'You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin' at the top of our lungs, like the guys in the scene from Top Gun. The couple finally pulled away from each other, the girl frowned, and they got up. We followed them as they walked, singing so loudly that we drove them out of the bar.'
- Frank*, 24

*Names have been changed

]]>
Tue, 21 Jun 2011 12:00 +0200
Guys Own Up! (Part Two) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/guys-own-up-part-two
Getting The Shaft
'I live with two of my friends, and we like to play pranks on one another. We were having a party one night, and I decided to take a nap before people arrived because I hadn't slept at all the night before. When I woke up, the party had started, and I went downstairs to join the fun. I saw this girl whom I had a huge thing for, so I made my way over to talk to her. We were talking for a few minutes, and she kept looking at my forehead. Finally, I asked her what was wrong, and she said, 'Why do you have a drawing of a penis on your face?' My roommates had thought it would be funny to doodle on my forehead with a permanent marker while I was sleeping. I tried scrubbing it off, but it wouldn't go away. I spent the rest of the party locked in my bedroom, not wanting anyone to see the work of art on my head.'
- Peter*, 24

Warning: Pervert In The Park
'I took my girl for a picnic one evening at a local park. After we finished eating, we walked over to the playground. lt was dusk, and we figured no one would be coming to the park at that late hour, so we started hooking up on the swing set. I sat down, and she straddled me. We both had the majority of our clothes off when all of a sudden, we heard this little boy screaming, 'Mommy, there's a man attacking a lady!' My girlfriend jumped off me just in time for his mother to come running up. I guess they had decided to take a stroll, and the kid had run ahead. The mother grabbed her son, glared at us, and stormed off.'
- Ray*, 31

Bait and Ditch
'I had invited my girlfriend, Angela, to a local summer concert, but she said she wasn't interested and told me to bring one of my friends instead. A few nights later, I was out with a buddy and met this really hot girl, Tracy. We hit it off, and I asked her if she would go to the show with me. I told my girl that I was taking my friend because I knew she'd be jealous. At the concert, Tracy and I were having a great time when I got a call from Angela. She said she was at the concert and was waiting for me at the front entrance. Apparently, she felt bad about bailing on me and had bought a ticket to surprise me. I told Tracy that I had to go to the bathroom and I would be right back. When Angela asked where my friend was, I told her that he had bailed on me and I had come alone. I spent the rest of the concert trying to keep Tracy from seeing me. Because I had driven, I don't even know how Tracy got home. I felt bad for ditching her, but there was no way I could have let my girl find out I was with another woman.'
- Ben*, 27

Come Here Often?
'My best friend wanted to go to a seedy strip club for his birthday. I didn't tell my girlfriend because I knew it would upset her. When we got to the club, we were drinking, and my buddies thought it would be funny to buy me a lap-dance. While I was getting it, I looked across the club and saw my girlfriend's dad staring at me. When we made eye contact, he walked over and said, 'Is this the sort of place you frequent?' I left shortly after, and we never spoke a word about it. I think we were both mortified to be caught hanging out at that type of place.'
- Johnny*, 28

Ex-Squeeze Me, Ma'am
'I was walking across campus one day and saw my girl walking ahead of me in a very short miniskirt. She looked really good in it, and I couldn't resist sneaking up behind her and grabbing her tush. She turned around and slapped me extremely hard in the face and then started screaming at me. That's when I realised she wasn't my girlfriend, just some girl that looked remarkably like her from behind.'
- Nate*, 20

Waterworld: Part II
'I get nervous when I have to speak in front of large groups of people. During my last semester at university, I took a class where most of our marks depended on our final presentation in front of everyone. I was extra-nervous, because I needed a high mark and there were tons of cool girls in the class. During my speech, I felt really hot, but I reminded myself that I was probably the only one who noticed. I was so relieved when finished, and it seemed that everyone was riveted by what I said. When I sat down, my buddy leaned over to tell me that my speech was pretty boring, but that everyone was fascinated by the disgusting amount of sweat soaking through my shirt.'
- Dan*, 23

*Names have been changed


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Thu, 09 Jun 2011 12:00 +0200
Guys Own Up! (Part One) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/guys-own-up-part-one
On the Rebound
'I had recently broken up with my girlfriend and knew a girl I liked would be at my university rugby game, so I went. As soon as I arrived, I made sure I got a seat in the stands by her group of friends. During the game, my friend and I were standing up and cheering. When our team scored a try, my friend gave me a big slap on the back. He didn't realise his own strength, and I ended up flying down the stand headfirst in front of everyone. Luckily, I didn't take anyone down with me. As soon as everyone realised I wasn't hurt, the entire crowd started laughing - including my crush. It took me a few weeks before I could even look at her again.'
- Bill*, 19

Head Butt
'I was dropping this girl off in front of her residence after our first date. Things had gone well, and I definitely planned on asking her out again. I walked her up to the entrance, and we talked before she went inside. I tried to go in for a kiss, but instead I smashed my head into hers, causing her to fall backward. Mortified, I helped her up. Somehow I'd knocked her in the eye, which wound up swelling shut for two whole days. The worst part was when I looked up and saw all of her friends staring at me through the upstairs window.'
- Vincent*, 21

Streak Accident
'I was out with a group of friends and made a bet with this gorgeous girl whom I really
liked. She was kind of a wild chick and only agreed to go out on a date if I streaked across the parking lot in front of everybody. I couldn't pass up the offer, so I stripped down to nothing and started running. I could hear everyone laughing and cheering me on. I must have been focusing too much on my friends because my running shoes caught on something on the cement, and the next thing I knew, I was skidding on the ground. Everyone came running over to see if I was okay. The only part of me that was hurt was my member, which suffered some serious pavement burn.'
- Joseph*, 18

I'm Reel Sorry!
'My ex was the daughter of my parents' friends. While we were dating, we lived together. We made an X-rated video together for fun, and after we broke up, she kept it and moved back home. A year after breaking up, she moved to another city. I guess her parents were going through her old stuff and came across our homemade movie, because they gave it to my parents and asked them to return it to me. My dad kind of laughed it off, but my mom started crying and said that even though I was a grown man, she'd never think of 'her little boy' the same way again.
- James*, 30

Twin Peaks
'My brother and I are identical twins, and almost no one can tell us apart. We were both at a party one night, and he took off early. After he left, this hot girl he'd been casually dating showed up. She was pretty drunk, and she mistook me for my brother. I decided to go with it, and we had amazing sex in the bathroom. I never told my brother, and she never figured it out.'
- Lewis*, 22

*Names have been changed

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Thu, 09 Jun 2011 12:00 +0200
Eish, Dude! (Part 2) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/eish-dude-part-2

A Moment of Reflection
One day, while on the train, I noticed a girl across from me looking over as if she was interested. She was really good-looking, and she wouldn't stop staring, so I felt pretty confident that I could snag her number. I got up and started walking towards her. But as I got closer, I got the vibe that she didn't want me near her at all. In fact, she actually started moving away from me and looked in a different direction. I was pretty thrown off, but I just chalked it up to weird girl behaviour. When I turned to the door to get off, however, I saw my reflection in the window, and suddenly everything made sense. It turns out, I had a huge piece of snot hanging out of my nose.
- Darius*, 21

When the Boss Is Away...

I'd been looking forward to my boss's big business trip for months. After he left and put me in charge of the office, I took advantage of the situation. I called up a hot girl who I'd been flirting with and lured her to come over by promising her the 'work experience' of a lifetime. When she arrived at my building, I led her to my boss's office, closed the door and grinned. We started making out, and I lifted her up onto his desk and tore off her skirt. Then things really got going. I was thrilled that I'd gotten away with the session, but two days later, when my boss came back, he found a used condom on the carpet. He stormed out of his office, threw the condom at me, and yelled, 'You disgust me. You're fired!'
- Andy*, 24

Devil Dogs
At a crowded party one night, my friends and I decided to play a joke on one of our buddies. When he went to the bathroom, he left his cell phone on the table, so we snatched it and programmed my number in - I'd just gotten a new one, and my friend didn't have it saved, so we entered it under the name The Devil. When he came back and put his phone in his pocket, I discreetly dialled his number while my buddies and I waited for his reaction. He heard his phone ring and checked who was calling. When he saw the name that came up, his eyes darted around, and he appeared really nervous. My friends and I could hardly control our laughter. I ended the call, waited a minute, and did it again. This time, he looked even more freaked out, and the guys and I were in hysterics. We pulled the trick three more times before he caught on.
- George*, 30

Window Undressing
My roommates were gone for the weekend, and I was enjoying having the flat to myself. One afternoon, after taking a shower, I walked out of the bathroom without a towel. Since no one was home, I turned up the music and started dancing around and lip-synching in the mirror. Before long, I was dipping into some old-school running man moves and trying to moon-walk across my floor. I was having a ball until I looked out my window and saw three women pointing and laughing at me from the building across the street. Mortified, I immediately dropped to the ground and crawled over to my drawers to find a pair of boxers.
- Ruben*, 21

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 24 May 2011 12:00 +0200
Eish, Dude! (Part 1) http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/eish-dude-part-1
Room service?

I was on holiday with my girlfriend's family, and we'd been having a wild time, drinking and partying a lot. One night, after consuming way too much alcohol, I decided to sneak into my girlfriend's bedroom. As an added surprise, I wore a men's thong that I had bought as a sexy joke from a tourist shop. I crept into the dark room, shut the door, and started performing a striptease dance. But when I crawled into bed with her, she screamed, got up, and ran to flip on the light. That was when l realised that it was actually her mother who I'd just performed for.
- Jeremy*, 24

Great Balls of Fire!
After a rough football game I was really sore, so my super-sweet girlfriend offered to give me a sensual massage to relax my muscles. To maximise the effect, she used a balm that makes your skin very cold and then very hot. First, she told me to lie down on her bed, and then she removed my pants and boxers. She was rubbing me down, and the massage felt amazing. But while working on my upper leg, she stopped to apply more gel, and some of it dripped onto my private parts. After some initial numbness, my member suddenly felt like it was on fire! I jumped up and started hopping around, unable to handle the intensity of the sensation. I ended up having to reassure my girlfriend that it wasn't a big deal, but I haven't taken her up on another massage.
- Jay*, 23

Completely Trashed
I had been dating this girl for a little while and was really into her. One Friday night, I invited her out to a party that my friend was throwing. Things got pretty crazy, and I ended up drinking a lot throughout the evening. Eventually, I was feeling sick to my stomach and made a dash for the bathroom. But I didn't have time to make it there, so I threw up in the nearest garbage can. While I was barfing, I glanced up and saw her walk by. She looked totally disgusted and headed for the door. I really didn't want her to leave, so I grabbed her and tried to kiss her goodbye... even though I was still covered in puke. She caught a glimpse of me, shrieked, and shoved me away from her. We haven't gone out since.
- Vishal*, 24

Don't Bank On It
While filling out the application for an internship programme at a large corporate bank, I had to specify whether I was interested in trading or investing. I could have sworn I picked investing, so I studied up for weeks and went into the interview ready to knock their socks off. During the interview, I rattled off all my knowledge and even threw in a few lines about how I loved investing so much and how I thought trading absolutely sucked. I went on and on, until at one point, the interviewer interrupted me and said, 'You do realise that this is an interiew for a trading position, right?' I was completely tongue-tied and just stared back at him, shocked. Needless to say, I didn't get the job.
- Martin*, 21

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 24 May 2011 12:00 +0200
Boy Blunders: Part 2 http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/boy-blunders-part-2
Cocky Customer
'I was at the chemist picking up two packs of condoms. The guy behind the counter jokingly asked if I was planning on having a long night. I went on and on, telling him all the juicy details about how great a night it was going to be. We chatted for a while, and I told him a little bit about myself and that I attended university in the area. He went on to say he had a niece who went to the same university. About two weeks later I had a soccer game, and my girl and her family decided they wanted to see me play. Guess who showed up at the game? The guy who worked behind the counter - he is my girlfriend's uncle! I couldn't look him in the eye the entire night.'
- Michael*, 22

Busted By His Boxers
'I had a girlfriend but was hooking up with one of my co-workers on the side. She had no idea I was in a relationship, but after some snooping she found out, and had a huge fight. I assured her that she was the one I really wanted to be with but that things were complicated. We kept seeing each other for a few weeks, but I could tell she was getting fed up with being the other woman. One day after we had just finished hooking up our conversation got especially heated, and she told me she no longer wanted to see me. She got up and left the room, then came back a few minutes later with a bag of all the stuff I had left at her apartment. I was pissed off, so I went back to my girlfriend's place and decided to forget about it. Well, that sure as hell didn't happen, because that weekend my girlfriend came up to me with a basket of laundry she had been doing. Holding up a pair of my boxers, she asked 'What's this?' My co-worker had taken a permanent marker and written "Marissa was here" and "Jason loves Marissa" on the waistbands of all the underwear I had left there.'
- Jason*, 28

Noisy Nooky

'I run a lot and, as a result, I ended up with tendonitis in both knees. I have a prescription for extra strength Ibuprofen to reduce the swelling. One weekday, I was working and unable to pick up the medicine, so my mom offered to get it for me. When I finally got home, my girl surprised me with a quick visit before she went out of town. We ended up getting it on in my bedroom, and then the doorbell rang. Angrily, I put on my clothes to answer the door. It was my mom. She called me out to the patio and, while laughing, said, "Guess your knees weren't that swollen? You might want to tell your lady friend to turn it down. I can hear her from outside."
- Bruce*, 23

Liar, Liar!

'I was hitting on this girl at a bar one night, and in my lame attempt to impress her, I pretended I was going to the local university to become a marine biologist. It turns out that she was in the same programme at the same university that I had lied about being in. She asked how I liked Professor Boyle, and I responded, "Oh, he's great. Definitely the smartest guy I know." She gave me a funny look and told me that the professor is a woman. She totally caught me in the lie, and my chances with her were shattered!
- Thabo*, 28

*Names have been changed


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Thu, 05 May 2011 12:00 +0200
Boy Blunders: Part 1 http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/boy-blunders-part-1

Dating Disaster
'I was meeting a girl for dinner one evening, and she showed up extremely intoxicated. We carefully made our way to the table in the packed restaurant. During the meal, I looked down to cut a piece of my steak, and when I looked up, she wasn't in front of me anymore. I looked around the restaurant for her, but she was gone. I figured she'd bailed on me and signalled for the waiter to bring the bill. Then I heard a coughing noise coming from under the table - it was my date, head between her legs in the crash position, puking her guts out. Everyone in the entire place was staring at me like I was some arsehole who was trying to get my date wasted.'
- Max*, 31

E-Humiliation
'I was giving a virtual presentation to a number of high-profile executives. They logged in to my PC and could see my screen while I spoke on the conference call. My name is Chris, and one girl in my office had begun to affectionately refer to me as Chrissy. During the meeting, a message popped up on my desktop that read "Hi, Chrissy!" Slightly mortified, but thinking little harm had been done, I e-mailed her when the meeting was on intermission and told her of her mistake. When the meeting began again, she replied by e-mail, with this notification popping up: "Now they all know you're secretly a girl!" That was followed by a guy named Peter sending me an e-mail that read "You forgot to wake me up this morning!" Peter is my brother, but I doubt the executives knew that.'
- Chris*, 25

Girlie Man
'I was dating this girl, and one Saturday, she offered to take me to the movies. Since it was her idea, she offered to pay and said she would choose the flick. I guess I should have seen right through that one, because we ended up going to see the girliest movie I could possibly imagine. We got inside, and I was getting comfortable, preparing to fall asleep... but to my surprise, it turned out to be an okay movie. I had gotten pretty into it when things took a turn for the worse on screen, and I became super-emotional. I looked to my left, and the woman sitting next to me was bawling big time. So I looked to see how my girl was reacting, and she was sitting there calm as all hell, like we were watching a basketball game or something! I tried to save face, but I couldn't help it and ended up breaking down. She gave me this disgusted look, and I was so embarrassed that I broke things off with her after that.'
- Joel*, 22

Raunchy Revise

'My girlfriend and I went to Onrus over Easter to visit my brother and his wife. My girl brought along COSMO to read and came across an article about what guys like and don't like. Feeling flirtatious, she passed me the article and had me circle the tips I wanted her to try out on me. I also noted extra moves I've been craving in the bedroom. Forgetting about the "editing" I'd done, my girlfriend decided to give the COSMO to my sister-in-law, who also loves the magazine. She then showed it to my brother, and they had a field day making fun of my sexual notations. My brother still won't let me live it down. That was the last time I'll ever edit COSMO for my girlfriend!'
- Jackson*, 20

Not So Pumped Up

'One night while I was out clubbing, I convinced this super-hot girl to come hang out with me at my apartment. We headed to my bedroom and started really getting into it when she had to run to the bathroom. When she returned, she was laughing hysterically and holding a penis pump my friends had gotten me as a joke. I guess I had forgotten about it and left it sitting out.'
- Chad*, 24

*Names have been changed

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Thu, 05 May 2011 12:00 +0200
Keep Them Coming http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/keep-them-coming
Cousin a Commotion

'My girlfriend's parents were away for the weekend, and they asked her to watch the house while they were gone. Her protective older cousin happened to be in town the first night of their holiday, so he stayed at their place. When he fell asleep, I came over. My girlfriend and I decided to sit on the swing outside, and we started hooking up. We got really into it, and I slipped off my pants. Just then, we heard a loud snapping sound and the swing broke! All the noise woke her cousin, and he came running out to see what had happened. When he found me lying on top of my girlfriend with my pants down around my ankles, he was furious and called her parents. They banned me from their house for three months.'
- Rob*, 19

Nudist In The Neighbourhood
'I had been with this girl for about two years when we moved in together. I usually don't get home from my job until late, but one night I was able to leave work early to surprise her. I came home, walked upstairs to our room, and found her in bed with another guy. I was livid, so I threw all of his clothes out the window, and they landed in the branches of a tree. Then I went ballistic on both of them. The guy was so terrified that he ran out of our house in the nude. I promptly called the police and told them that a naked man was frolicking around our neighbourhood. They quickly found the guy and arrested him for indecent exposure.'
- Scott*, 33

Nothing But The Tooth
'While I was travelling around Ireland with two buddies, I fell out of a bunk bed in a hostel and knocked out one of my front teeth. We were catching an early flight home the next day, so I didn't bother seeing a dentist. That night, we went to a local pub for a couple of drinks. When we got there, we went straight to the bar and saw some super attractive girls sitting in a corner by themselves. My friends wanted to hit on them, but I was reluctant because I figured they would take one look at my scary grin and run for the hills. They promised they'd do all the talking, but after we sat down next to the girls and bought them drinks, my boys got up to use the bathroom, leaving me alone with them. I panicked and tried to carry on a conversation by simply nodding, but eventually, I had to say something. As soon as I opened my mouth, the girls cringed and grew silent. I was really embarrassed and made sure to get my tooth fixed as soon as I got home.'
- Josh*, 24

Temptation Island
'My girlfriend and I went to Jamaica for a week-long holiday. One day, we took a boat out to a little island. After a few hours of hanging out on the beach, we wanted to get some action. Since there were lots of people around, we decided to wade out into the sea to have a little fun. We found a secluded spot, and I started to grind against my girlfriend. Suddenly, we heard screams and turned around to see an old lady frantically pointing at us and yelling, "Oh my goodness, those two sickos are having sex!" We stopped immediately and quickly swam back to shore. Apparently, the woman told the lifeguard, and he reprimanded us in front of a large group of people. To make matters worse, we then had to take the boat back with the same woman. She kept giving us dirty looks the whole way. After that, my girlfriend and I kept our loving in the hotel room.'
- Brian*, 27

*Names have been changed

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Thu, 28 Apr 2011 12:00 +0200
Confessions Continued http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/confessions-continued

Steam Scream
'I joined a gym, and after my first workout, I decided to relax in the sauna. The place was under renovation, and I didn't see any signs that designated which changing area was the men's, so I asked a guy who was leaving the gym and he told me where it was. I walked into the locker room, took off my clothes, and strode into the sauna with a towel wrapped around my waist. I sat down and, to my surprise, was face-to-face with a topless girl! She freaked out and started screaming. I realised that I had inadvertently gone into the women's locker room, so I jumped up and ran out of the sauna to grab my clothes and then went into the other locker room to get dressed. On my way out, the guy at the front desk confronted me. I tried to explain the mishap, but I guess the woman put up a fuss, because he kicked me out of the club on charges of inappropriate behaviour.'
- Sam*, 30

Bad Medicine
'I am an administrative assistant to the chief-of-staff at a hospital. One summer I had to work alongside his teenage daughter. She was a spoiled brat who always showed up late, and l would have to cover for her. On top of that, she brought her cell phone everywhere and I could overhear her conversations. When she called her friend and said she just swiped some prescription pills from a storage cabinet, I decided it was time for her to get the boot. After she stepped out to go to the bathroom, l cut a slit in the bottom of her book bag. Later, when she picked up her bag to leave for the day, a bunch of trial-size packets fell out onto the floor... in front of her dad and several doctors. She was fired on the spot, and I never had to put up with her again!'
- Greg*, 29

In The Neck Of Time
'My girlfriend, Nicole, and I went to different universities that were two hours away from each other, so she always complained that we never spent enough time together. One night, we got into a bad fight because she wanted me to skip a weekend with friends to go and see her. I was pissed off after our spat, so I went to a bar where I ran into a pretty girl who lives down the hall. I went back to her room, and we had a hardcore make-out session. When I returned to my place, Nicole called me and said how sorry she was. She insisted that she wanted to drive down and see me that night. Two hours later, she knocked on my door, but when I got up to let her in, I looked in the mirror and saw I had a huge purple hickey on my neck! Before I opened the door, I turned off the lights and shut the curtains. When she walked into the room, I said I wanted to make things up to her by having passionate sex. When we started messing around, I asked her to kiss my neck. The next morning, Nicole thought the hickey was from her.'
- Marcus*, 22

*Names have been changed


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Thu, 28 Apr 2011 12:00 +0200
'Oh yes you did...!' http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/oh-yes-you-did Parent Trap

'I had been dating Megan for a year when her parents invited me to go with them on a family trip. We booked two adjacent hotel rooms, and since the smaller room had only one bed, her parents let Megan and me sleep in the bigger one with two beds. On the first night, Megan's very conservative father pulled me aside and told me that sleeping in the same bed with his daughter wasn't an option. While I was getting ready to go to sleep, I looked through my stuff and saw that the porter had left one of Megan's father's suitcases in our room. The lights were off in her parents' room, so I figured they had fallen asleep and decided not to wake them. A couple hours later, Megan and I started messing around, and her dad suddenly walked in, looking for his bag! He was furious and insisted that I share a room - and a bed - with him for the remainder of the holiday.'
- Eddie*, 18

Do-Me Decimal System

'A few months ago, I met a girl in my chemistry class at university, and we really hit it off. We had an exam coming up, so we decided to meet in the library to study. Her mom was the librarian, and she let us stay late and told us to go out the back door when we wanted to leave. Well, we started fooling around and ended up going at it in almost every aisle. About a week later, the dean pulled us into his office and showed us a videotape of two people having sex all over the library. We both turned red and signed papers agreeing that if we ever did that again, we would be kicked out of university.'
- Luke*, 22

Gonorrhea With The Wind

'I told my girlfriend that I wanted to cool things down because "I needed to find myself." Once I was free, I started dating a bunch of different girls, but every time my ex would check in on me, I assured her I wasn't seeing anyone new. One afternoon, I got a call from a girl I was messing around with, and she told me she had gonorrhea. I flipped out and made an appointment with a doctor, only to discover that I didn't have it. Apparently, my ex saw me out with someone else and paid one of my flings to lie to me.'
- Philip*, 28

*Names have been changed

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Thu, 14 Apr 2011 12:00 +0200
Real-Life Confessions http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/real-life-confessions

Backstage Booty

'My girlfriend and I went to the theatre and were bored, so we decided to spice things up. During the second act, we wandered to the back and found a private area behind some curtains. We started getting busy, but in the middle of our hookup session, we bumped into a stack of chairs and they fell with an enormous crash. We tried to get out of there as fast as we could, but a security guard stopped us. Apparently, the commotion had brought the play to a stop. He asked us if we knew where the noise had come from. We just said no and ran.'
- Elijah*, 30

Erotic Equation

'At university, my friend Alex* and I had a crush on Susan*, this really hot girl. After Alex and Susan started dating, I happened to get a job tutoring Susan's younger brother in Maths. One weekend, I went to Susan's family's house for a tutoring session, and while her little brother was working on some equations in the kitchen, I headed upstairs to use the bathroom. Just as I reached the top step, Susan stepped out of the bathroom and walked into her bedroom wearing nothing but a towel. She gave me a naughty look and motioned for me to come into her room, where we had a quickie. When we were finished, I got dressed and went downstairs, and Susan's mom came home to pay me. I felt guilty about taking the money, but I was afraid she'd be suspicious if I didn't.'
- Shaun*, 22

Last Gasp

'Right before graduation, a good friend told me that my girlfriend of three years was cheating on me, so I decided to confront her at our residence's end-of-the year blowout party. At the beginning of the night, I asked her about it, but she denied everything. I could tell by her eyes and the tone of her voice that she was lying, which made me even angrier. I waited until the party got really crowded, then I paid the DJ to let me have the microphone. I told everyone that I had an important announcement to make. When the room grew silent, I said my girlfriend was a sleazy cheater who farts in bed. She ran out of the room crying and was so humiliated that she didn't even show up for the graduation ceremony.
- Leonard*, 24

Tear Jerker

'There's this gorgeous girl who lives in my flat block. I finally worked up the nerve to ask her out, but on the morning of our date, my dog died. I was really upset, but I wanted to go out with her, so I went anyway. I took her to the movies, and there was a dog in the film that bore an eerie resemblance to my recently deceased pet. By the middle of the movie, I had started to cry and couldn't stop. My date definitely noticed, and I had no idea what to do. Afterwards, we said an awkward good night, and I never heard from
her again.'
- Greg*, 32

*Names have been changed


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Wed, 13 Apr 2011 12:00 +0200
'No, you didn't...!' http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/no-you-didnt Acid Trip
'I was chatting with a few of my male co-workers about my crazy university days and all the dumb stuff I'd pulled when I was younger. One of the girls who worked on my floor came in to get me to sign something. I felt bad that she'd walked in while everyone was slacking off in my office and she was hard at work, so I tried to include her in the conversation by, jokingly saying 'Amy*, want to take some acid after work?' She got a disgusted look on her face and stormed off. The next day, Amy came into my office and said that she couldn't believe how inappropriate I had been the day before. I was totally baffled and asked her what she meant. She said, 'You asked me if I wanted to shake my ass after work.' She didn't believe me when I tried to explain what I'd really said, and she's hated me ever since.'
- Russell*, 34

A Ring Thing
'I sit in a cubicle next to this obnoxious co-worker, Wendy*, who listens to the radio really loudly all day long. I asked her to turn it off, because I couIdn't concentrate with Enrique Iglesias constantly blaring in my ear. She said she would, but a few days later, it was back on and more deafening than ever. I didn't want to go to my boss about it, but I had to. She, too, asked Wendy to shut off her music, and she did... for about two days. Finally, Wendy programmed her cell phone to play 'Oops!...I Did It Again' every time it rang, just to piss me off. So, one day when she left for lunch and forgot to take her cell with her, I threw it out the window. She never figured out what happened to it.'
- Jack*, 32

The Final Cut

My dad's girlfriend and her son, Karl*, who's my age, moved in with us last year. I had to share a room with Karl, and we didn't get along at all. Soon after the merger, some of my CDs, DVDs, and clothes started to disappear. One night, I actually caught Karl stealing my new hat, but I decided not to say anything. Since he was really proud of his long ponytail, because he thought it helped him get girls - I had a better idea about how to get back at him. The next morning, while he was fast asleep after a long night of partying, I cut off his precious ponytail. While I was at it, I got carried away and snipped off as much of the rest of his hair as I could without waking him. He was furious when he woke up. I just told him he could use my hat to cover up his ugly new do.'
- William*, 20

Dr. Feel Good
'I'm a medical student, and I was supervising a study in which all the female participants had to stay at this centre for seven days so we could monitor them. One of the women was really hot, and we flirted a lot at the beginning of the week. By the fourth day of the study, she was getting cabin fever from being cooped up with a bunch of chicks, and she started coming onto me. So that night when my co-worker was on his break, I led her into one of the examining rooms, and we got busy on the table. l guess the results of that study aren't quite accurate, since the number one rule was that the participants couldn't have sex during the trial.'
- George*, 27

*Names have been changed


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Mon, 11 Apr 2011 12:00 +0200
Guys Confess http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/guys-confess

Prude Awakening
'I asked out one of my roommate's friends, but she told me she wasn't interested. Normally, I'd just let it go, but she blabbed to everyone about how she'd shot me down, and they gave me a lot of flack for it. So I waited a few months, acted really nice toward her, and let it blow over. Then I called her and said I wanted to set her up with a friend. I told her he was a really smart, good-looking, all-around great guy that I knew she'd be attracted to, and she was totally up for it. But instead of fixing her up with a cool guy, I sent one of my really immature friends, Jeremy, out with her. She called me the next day, furious. Apparently, Jeremy downed three bottles of sake by himself at dinner, started drunkenly pawing her, and then called her a prude and stormed off when she refused to hook up with him.'
- Chris*, 28

Bunny Boiler

'During my second year of university, this annoying girl in one of my classes got all Fatal Attraction on me. She'd flirt with me every time we ran into each other, though I never reciprocated. She found my e-mail on the class list and bombarded me with questions about assignments and test dates, and she even started getting chummy with some of my friends and telling them I had a huge crush on her. So, to exact my revenge, I created a fake e-mail address using her name and sent obscene e-mails that propositioned sex to some of our "mutual" friends. Well, my buddies were totally freaked out by the raunchy e-mails and stopped speaking to her. They'd actually turn and walk in the opposite direction when they saw her. She couldn't figure out why everyone was avoiding her, but since no one in my crowd would help her get to me anymore, she set her sights on some other unlucky dude.'
- Ben*, 23

Room With a Hugh
'It was the first day of university winter holidays, and the second I got home, I went over to my girlfriend's house. Her parents were on holiday, so I decided to surprise her by showing up Hugh Hefner-style in nothing but a robe and slippers. The door was open, and I could see her sitting in the living room, so I walked right up to her and dropped the robe. That's when I heard sniffling behind me. I turned around and saw her mother and aunt on the other side of the room, crying. Apparently, my girlfriend's great-uncle had just died, and her parents had cut their trip short to come back for the funeral. Her mother got a front-row view of my stuff, and to this day, she still can't look me in the eye.'
- Simon*, 21

*Names have been changed

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Fri, 11 Mar 2011 12:00 +0200
Dodgy Deeds http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/dodgy-deeds your story's embarrassing? Read on...

Italian Stallion

I studied abroad in Rome, and our group took a field trip to Florence. There were an odd number of guys on the trip, and I Iucked out and got my own hotel room. That night, l was getting ready for bed and realised I had forgotten toothpaste. My friends were staying in the room next door, so I figured I'd borrow some. I only had on a tiny pair of tightie-whities, but I planned just to dash out and back in, and didn't think anyone would see me. 'When I stepped into the hallway, the door to my room slammed shut, locking me out. I frantically banged on my friends' door, but no one answered. I figured they had gone out, and I didn't know what else to do but sit and wait. I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, I was being shaken awake by my female professor. She went down to the concierge and brought someone up to let me in while I awkwardly stood there trying to shield my half-naked body.'
- Frank*, 25

His Name Was Mud
'It was pouring, and class had just let out. My friend was parked near my building and offered to drive me back to my dorm so I wouldn't have to walk in the rain. I had to cross a field to get to his car, and I decided to make a mad dash in an attempt to stay as dry as possible. 'As soon as my feet touched the ground in a sprint, I completely lost my footing. Books and papers went flying, and I violently rolled down a steep muddy hill, destroying my clothes. When I came to a stop, I looked up to see the girls' hockey team doubled over in laughter. I got up, humiliated, and booked it to my friend's car. When I made it, he not only was cracking up but also refused to let me in because I would "ruin the leather". I walked home covered in slimy mud.'
- Colin*, 30

You've Got Voice Mail
'A girl and I were set up on a blind date by a mutual friend, and it was going surprisingly
well. After a romantic dinner and long walk on the beach, we returned to my car. I noticed I had a voice message from the friend who had set us up. I put my cell on speakerphone, thinking he had just called to wish us luck on our date. Instead, it was him yelling into the phone 'Make out with her!' I was mortified. I quickly snapped my phone shut, but the damage was done. I tried to change the subject, but she stared straight ahead in silence the whole ride back.'
- Charles*, 26

Loud Loser
'My friends and I rented a house at the beach and invited some girls up for the weekend. This girl I had liked for a while came, and I was determined to make a move on her after years of chickening out. Well, once again, my nervousness got the best of me. I ended up having a few too many and hooking up with a friend I knew was a sure thing. 'When I woke up the next morning, I felt like everyone was snickering at me. l asked my friend what was up, and it turns out, I had unknowingly held my hook-up session in the same room where the girl I really liked was sleeping. She told everyone about all the sloppy, slurping noises I had made the night before and didn't speak to me for the rest of the weekend. I blew whatever chance I may have had.'
- Jason*, 29

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 08 Mar 2011 12:00 +0200
Skanky Sexploits http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/skanky-sexploits 'He did not!' - yes, he did. What some dodgy dudes got up to...

SMS Mess

'During my final year of university, I was really into my roommate's girlfriend. It was obvious that she liked me too, but she wasn't the type to cheat. Late one night, my roommate came home and passed out, leaving his cell on the table. l grabbed it and sent a SMS to one of his female friends saying, 'I'm alone. You?' We ended up exchanging some flirtatious SMSes. The next day l told my roommate's girl something weird was going on and that I'd heard her boyfriend's cell go off a few times. They got into a huge fight, and she checked his phone and found the incriminating messages. They split up, and we dated for a few months after that.'
- Thoko*, 24

Sexual Healing
'When I broke up with my girlfriend of two years, I took it really hard. I was living with my parents at the time, and they were worried about me. The week after it happened, they went on a trip that had already been scheduled, but they felt horrible about leaving me. The night they left, I went out with my buddies, drowned my sorrows in booze, and ended up bringing home a girl. We hooked up in the living room, then passed out in my room. 'I woke up in the morning to the dog barking and heard the front door. I ran out to find my parents standing there with their luggage - they had felt guilty being away. Then my mom saw a bra on the living-room floor and said, 'Oh, but it looks like you two worked it out' right as the random girl walked out of my room. My parents were shocked and angry that they had cut their holiday short.'
- Samuel*, 24

Down In The Dumps
'My girlfriend and I were leaving a friend's party, and we started making out intensely as we walked out to her car. Finally, l couldn't take it anymore. There was a garbage bin in the driveway, and I set her on it and we started having sex. We were enjoying ourselves until, suddenly, the lid of the bin collapsed. My girlfriend fell halfway inside, and l had to pull her out of the smelly rubbish. She was covered in gross things and so embarrassed that she insisted we leave right away, leaving her shoes behind. We didn't go back to get them until the morning, when we were sure no one was around.'
- Andrew*, 27

Kicking and Screaming
'l was playing soccer with a bunch of my friends one weekend, and this girl I really liked joined us. I was trying to show off my soccer skills, but she kept putting me to shame with fancy footwork and some terrific headers. At the end of the first half, she and I were standing on the field when the ball bounced way up in the air and started heading for us. I went up to kick the ball just as she went up to head-butt it, and I ended up kicking her right between the legs. It was horrendous. I faked a foot injury just to get out of there.
- Jack*, 21

*Names have been changed

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Tue, 08 Mar 2011 12:00 +0200
He Did What? http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/he-did-what .

Buck-Naked Nightmare

'To make extra cash, my friend poses nude for one of the art classes at our university. One afternoon, he got sick and asked me to sub for him. When I showed up, the teacher told me to take off my clothes and stand in front of the class. Midway through, I spotted a couple of women pointing at me and snickering. All I wanted to do was get out of there, so as soon as the class was over, I put on my clothes and bolted. That Monday, I walked into the student art centre and noticed all these portraits of me - naked with an enormous erection - hanging on the walls.'
- Brian*, 22

G-String Slip-Up
'My girlfriend bought me this leopard-print G-string that male strippers sport because it turned her on when I wore it. One night, before we stopped at her parents' house for dinner, I put it on underneath my pants and told her I had a surprise for her later. When we got there, the thing kept riding up, so I went to the bathroom to fix it. I dropped my jeans and started to adjust myself when her father walked in on me. I must have forgotten to lock the door. As soon as he saw me touching myself underneath my G-string, he looked like he was going to vomit right then and there. Before I could say anything, he walked away, and he had this disgusted expression on his face for the rest of the evening.'
- Leonard*, 28

Mortifying Mouth Meltdown
'I went to the dentist to get a cavity filled. After it was done, I walked out into the crowded waiting room to take care of the bill and sat next to a hot girl. While I was waiting for my name to be called, I turned to her to introduce myself and grinned. She
cringed, and some guy next to her loudly said, 'Dude, wash your face.' Everyone was staring at me, so I went into the bathroom. When I glanced in the mirror, I saw a long trail of drool hanging from my lower lip. The dentist had given me a couple shots of novocaine in my gums to numb my mouth, so I had no idea it was there.'
- Evan*, 30

Randy Cradle Robber
'On an Internet dating site, I met this woman who had a smoking online picture. We arranged to meet at a bar to hang out and get to know each other. When I walked into the dimly lit room, I saw this sophisticated lady waiting for me. We hit it off and drank lots of wine until the bar closed. We were both pretty tipsy, and she invited me to her place. We were in her bed making out when I suddenly spotted a row of orthopaedic shoes in front of her cupboard, and I panicked. I guess I must have had more wine than I thought because when I asked my date's age, she admitted she was over 60. I'm all about dating older women, but I draw the line when they could be my grandmother.'
- Mark*, 23

Smelly Sneak Attack
'l am a lifeguard and share a place on the beach with another guard, Ted. Without asking me, he took off one weekend and told our boss I'd cover for him. I was mad, so I bought some clams and put them in the pockets of all of his pants and shirts to stink up his clothes. When Ted came back on Sunday night and opened the door to his room, he freaked when he discovered that all of his stuff smelled like ass. He had a big date at a fancy restaurant that night and had to wear his dress jacket and pants, which reeked of fish.'
- Sam*, 24

*Names have been changed

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Thu, 03 Mar 2011 12:00 +0200
Guys 'Fess Up http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/guys-fess-up Clothes Call
'l was dating this girl in my office, but she was really uptight and it was starting to get to me. So one Sunday night, I dared her to wear a really trashy, mismatched outfit to the office on Monday. The dress code at our office is business formal, so I didn't really think she'd do it. Knowing her, I thought she'd be way too scared that she'd get reprimanded for wearing something outlandish, but I wanted to see if she could let her hair down just once. Well, she actually wore the outfit, and just to freak her out, I slapped a Post-it note on her computer screen that read 'See me ASAP' and signed our boss's name to it. He hadn't even seen her slutty ensemble, but when she went into his office, he flipped out and sent her home. That stunt pretty much ended our relationship.'
- Peter*, 24

Untying The Knot
'One night my fiancée, Ashley, and I had a sack session that lasted for hours. I love to grab and pull her hair, which leaves it pretty tangled, and this time was no exception. I was chewing gum when we first started hooking up, so I slyly stuck it on the headboard.
When we woke up the next morning, she had a giant knot in her hair about half an inch from her scalp, and the piece of gum was stuck right in the middle of it! After she washed and conditioned her hair, it still wouldn't come out, so I went to work on it. I tried leave-in conditioners, detangling spray, and even a special serum from the pharmacy, but nothing worked. We got so desperate that we made up some lame story about how the gum got there and asked my mom for help, but even she failed to fix the situation. I told Ashley that I was going to give it one last try with a fine-tooth comb. But instead, I grabbed a pair of scissors and cut out the knot, leaving a huge hole right smack in the middle of her hair. She freaked out and didn't speak to me for a week.'
- Tim*, 24

Erotic Appetiser
'One night, my girlfriend and I went out to dinner. There was a long wait for a table, so we sat down at the bar to have a drink. When I looked across the room, I saw this girl who I'd had a fling with a couple of years ago. I remembered how amazing the sex was, so l told my girlfriend I had to make a phone call but instead went over to say hello to my former flame. After exchanging niceties, I decided I had nothing to lose and asked her if she'd meet me in the bathroom. She took the bait, and we had a quickie in a men's room stall while my girlfriend sipped her chardonnay out front. l was back within 15 minutes, just in time to sit down and have a lovely meal.'
- Mike*, 27

Taxi Quickie
'My girl and I took a trip away for our first anniversary. One night, after having dinner at a trendy restaurant and drinking a little too much, we hopped into a taxi to go back to the hotel. She was feeling really frisky and whispered in my ear that she'd always wanted to get lucky in the backseat of a taxi. It sounded fun to me, so we started going at it. The driver was so busy talking on his cell phone that he didn't notice... until my girlfriend began moaning. Then he whipped around and started cursing at us in another language. He pulled over, opened the back door, and physically pulled us out onto the street. There l was, under a neon spotlight in the middle of the road, frantically zipping my pants and trying to cover my half-naked girlfriend while what seemed like hundreds of passers-by stopped and stared.'
- Kyle*, 26

*Names have been changed

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Fri, 25 Feb 2011 12:00 +0200
Men's Confession Sessions http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/mens-confession-sessions

Talk To The Hand!
'l was in the waiting room of my doctor's office, and this beautiful girl was sitting next to me. I was trying to think of a way to strike up a conversation when she asked, 'How are you?' Thinking this was my chance, I told her I was great and went into a whole thing about how amazing I thought this doctor was. After a minute, she turned to me and said, "Do you mind? I'm on the phone!" I hadn't noticed that she had one of those earpieces in. After that, she got up and moved to a seat across the room, confirming that I'd totally blown it.'
- Dennis*, 31

First Date Flasher
'I was new in town and chuffed when this cute girl offered to take me to the beach. She lived with her parents, so I went in to meet them before we left. Her mom asked me to sit while I waited, so I chose a chair across from her. I was being polite, but she kept giving me uncomfortable looks. Finally, my date came down and was acting strangely too. She said bye, and we walked to my car. As we were driving, she told me that when I was sitting, my shorts had ridden up and given her mom a full view of my package.'
- Tim*, 23

Crush 'n' Burn

'My university campus is huge, so l often ride my bike to get around. One day, I rode to the gym, and when I was riding home, I noticed some hot girls checking me out. I was in a sleeveless shirt, so I was pretty sure they were looking at my biceps. To impress them, I yelled out "Hey, ladies!" and decided to ride without holding on to the handlebars. Then I hit a bump in the road and totally lost my balance. l flew off the bike and cut my knee pretty badly. I could tell the girls were trying not to laugh as they walked away.'
- James*, 20

Buy Buy, Baby...
'l usually refuse to go on blind dates, but my friend's girlfriend said she knew a girl who was great. From the beginning of the date, she was awful. I picked her up, and she complained about my car. She made rude remarks about the restaurant, and then she was horrendous to our waiter. Also, all she could talk about was herself. Finally, the bill came, and she went to the bathroom. Normally, I would pay, but she had been so terrible that I decided to do something just as bad to her. She had left her handbag on the chair, so I reached in, grabbed her credit card, paid the bill, then put the card back in her bag and left.'
- Nick*, 29

Skanky Screening
'When my roommate moved out, l was really happy to have the place to myself. He had forgotten some boxes, so I set them aside for him. Soon after, I started seeing this girl and invited her to spend the night. l told her to wait in the living room while I lit candles. When I went to get her, she was standing in the middle of my living room fuming. She threw DVDs at me and said she didn't sleep with porn freaks. One of the boxes my roommate had left was filled with his extensive porn collection. I tried to explain, but she clearly thought I was lying.'
- Lewis*, 27

*Names have been changed

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Thu, 10 Feb 2011 12:00 +0200
Guy Confessions http://www.cosmopolitan.co.za//Play/Confessions/guy-confessions

Space Balls, The Sequel
'One night, I was at a new bar in my neighbourhood and met a pretty bartender. Some other guys there said she seemed weird, but I thought she was hot, so I went back to her flat later. When we walked in, I noticed that all the walls were covered with pictures of Captain Kirk and other random Star Trek posters. I asked her if she wanted to watch a movie. She told me to look through her collection of DVDs, which were all old seasons of Star Trek. Even her remote was in the shape of the phaser from Star Trek. We eventually made our way to her bedroom and slept together. The sex was great, but the next morning when she was getting ready, I saw that she had an enormous tattoo on her back of the Star Trek: Enterprise space ship. I was so weirded out, I left and never asked for her number.'
- Rob*, 32

She's a Cart-Breaker
'Last weekend, I went golfing with some buddies from work. While we were on the course, I hopped into my golf cart and backed up to flirt with this cute chick playing behind us. She gave me her number, and when all of my friends heard, they shouted my name like l was the man. Just as I was saying 'I'II call you this weekend,' I turned the key in the ignition and hit the gas. Suddenly, my cart went in reverse straight into the lake behind me. I had to wade through the slimy muck searching for my clubs while everyone stood there clapping.'
- Peter*, 22

Stinking Of You

'l was having terrible stomach aches for a while, so l went to the doctor. While I was in the waiting room, l sat next to this gorgeous girl, and we struck up a conversation. Eventually it was my turn to see the doctor, and after I got out, she was still there. I approached her again, and while we were saying good-bye, the doctor came up to me and said "Now if you're still experiencing constipation and those bad gas pains a week from now, come back to the office." The hot girl made a face and looked away. I was so embarrassed, I just left.'
- Fred*, 19

Burn Unit

'A couple of weeks ago, my girlfriend went to a sex-toy party with her pals. While we were getting busy that weekend, she pulled out mint-flavoured lube that she got at the
party and put some on me down there. It was within minutes, my unit was burning. I screamed and my eyes teared up, so I ran to the bathroom to wash the stuff off. Later, I overheard my girlfriend call her buddies to tell them I was crying from the mint lube. Now, every time I run into one of her friends, they ask me if I've recovered.'
- Heath*, 29

*Names have been changed
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Mon, 07 Feb 2011 12:00 +0200