Superman Sheets Syndrome

Ten-year-old boys with Superman Sheets and cricket trophies are cute. Thirty-three-year-old guys with the same set-up are not. But often guys of the most extraordinary calibre are quite content to live in the proverbial nest well beyond the onset of adulthood. The whole him-staying-at-home thing when he’s over 25 may seem like a sound decision to him. But any lady with a pulse will tell you that as magnificent as his mum’s lasagne is, his living with the parentals will eventually drive you mental.

Why? Because you want to be able to make out on the couch without being busted. Because you don’t want to have to play the Polite Chitchat game with Mom in the kitchen every time you go over. Because your own flatmates are repellent and you crave some peace and quiet (instead you get three siblings, two dogs and arguing parents).

Of course, if you’re both still living at home, you’ve got all the makings of a hefty Outrageous Public Indecency fine right there, haven’t you? Because when The Couple has nowhere to go and enjoy sordid activities – without the fear of getting busted – The Couple may be forced to get creative in automobiles.

I asked some friends what grinds their gears about Superman Sheeters. There were a lot of these: ‘It’s annoying that to have our “own space” we have to leave the house’; a considerable amount of these: ‘He always has to check in with the parents’; and a whole lot of these: ‘It affects your sex life. You can’t relax and you can’t make noise.’ But I think the real reason the boyfriend-living-at-home thing gets to us is because we fear that if/when we move in with them, they will have shuffled from one woman’s care to another’s. And the last thing we want is to become a mother figure. Of course, if we ladies still live at home too, who are we to preach? But the thing is, when we move in with a guy, generally we’re the ones relegated to the role of housekeeper, not the brat who leaves dirty towels on the floor for Mom to pick up.

But there are some positives. For instance, if he’s living at home to save cash, that overseas trip/flat/Ferrari is going to come a whole lot quicker than if he were renting. And if he’s living at home to look after Mom/Dad/Granny? Shows he’s a caring soul, doesn’t it? And at least those Superman Sheets will always be freshly washed.

It’s worth noting that l myself have done my time with a Superman Sheeter. His parents had a nice place and gave us so much privacy that they virtually ignored us. But still l complained. SS swore he’d move out as soon as he found the right place, and he kept his word. But still I found something to complain about. (Neighbours/noise/no parking.)

In any case, next time a guy fervently insists on going back to your place, be very wary. Odds are he’s going see those Hello Kitty sheets of yours.

Author: Zoe Foster