S&TSG - Aussie Men Want You (And Me!)
Heading home from work, I picked up a newspaper screaming the headline, ‘Aussie men want you!’ If you’re wondering where all the hot, single men have gone, it turns out they’re in South Australia – where the sun shines for 3 000 hours a year and 50% of the male population are single. What’s more, they’re bored with bikini-bronzed Aussie chicks. That’s how I found myself, a week later, on a flight to Adelaide – land of sun, sea and sexy surfers. Was this my passport to guy heaven? Would I come home? This sheila was about to find out.
DATE 1: James, 27
WHERE: The Aussie Outback
I had no time to get ready as I met James straight from my 24-hour flight, feeling jet-lagged, with a face puffier than a packet of in-flight crisps. He was a whopping 1.8m to my 1.2m. ‘Wow, are all Aussie men gigantic?’ I wondered as I half-walked, half-trotted to keep up with him. James took me on a rickety, four-man plane across the Aussie outback to the world’s most remote cattle farm. In an attempt to impress, I ordered cow’s tongue for lunch, then felt distinctly like a Z-list celebrity. I asked James what he thought of South African women and almost choked on my tongue (and the cow’s) when he replied, ‘They’re brash, overweight and unhealthy, aren’t they?’ I spent the rest of our date speaking in my poshest accent, holding my tummy in and claiming I just love playing netball, even though I haven’t thrown a ball since I wore a PE kit. Maybe we’re not the healthiest nation but I objected to being judged. After all, I grew up on Home And Away but I didn’t expect all Aussies to wander around with corks hanging from their hats á la Alf Stewart. That aside, by sunset, I’d fallen in love. Sadly not with James, even though he turned out to be fun and even suggested hitting the beach together tomorrow (a second date already?). I’d fallen for the Aussie outback, tinged only by the disappointment that I didn’t have somebody special to share it with... yet.
DATE 2: Andy, 26
WHERE: Kangaroo Island
Andy’s another six-footer, but given the wild kangaroos, wallabies and dingoes roaming the Aussie bush, I was happy to be protected by a big, strong man. I’ve never dated a guy tallers than 1.7m back home, too paranoid that we’d resemble DeVito and Schwarzenegger in Twins. But maybe bigger was better. Joining Andy and me on our date was Brenda the tour guide – so much for a romantic trip for two! I usually know if I like a man within 60 seconds of meeting him, but after two hours with Andy, I still wasn’t sure. He was a true gent and when Andy told me I was his first date in a year, I felt a) Pressure to make it good and b) Relieved I’m not the only person in the world still looking for love. I knew Andy wasn’t holiday-romance material when Brenda chirped, ‘Look at the size of his feet. Good sign, huh?’ They were huge, but while I giggled, Andy blushed like a self-conscious teenager. Laughs come before sex appeal and spontaneity on my man wish list, so I wasn’t convinced Andy and I were compatible. Lovely as he was, I couldn’t help thinking I’d have enjoyed the date equally if it had been me, Brenda and a stuffed koala.
DATE 3: Paul K, 25
WHERE: Adelaide’s Nightspots
Thus far, the men had been overshadowed by our stunning date locations. So I chose simple, Friday-night drinks for my date with Paul – the kind of date I’m used to back home. When I spotted Paul across the crowded bar, my first thought was: He. Is. Hot. Paul looked like a sexier Adam Sandler, with Wynand Olivier’s rugby-buff body. I managed 10 minutes in his company before dashing to the bathroom to scream silently and SMS my best friend the good news. Paul was flirty, charming and a total heartbreaker, I imagined. I loved his honesty when he confessed to looking me up on the Internet before our date (I passed the test, apparently) and he was upfront about enjoying singledom and all its perks. I’m not sure if it was the red wine or the knowledge that I’d be jetting back to reality in two days’ time, but I was equally open with Paul. I suddenly realised that knowing exactly where you stand makes dating fun and easy instead of an anxiety-ridden ordeal. Stop worrying whether he’ll laugh at your jokes or call you the next day and you’ll have a brilliant time. Paul and I partied until 5am before he walked me back to my hotel in a haze of tequila and drunken kissing. It didn’t take much convincing to let Paul come in and prove that Aussie men have better bodies and more stamina than our South African boys. As the sun came up, we agreed that whilst finding The One will be amazing when it happens, there’s nothing like enjoying the scenic route getting there. We certainly did.
DATE 4: Paul S, 21
WHERE: Adelaide’s Marina Pier
Move over Coleen, I’m trying my hand at being a football WAG for my date with AFL (Australian Football League) player Paul S. His team, Port Adelaide, are the Manchester United of Australia and Paul is their Ronaldo. But if I expected him to share our Premiership players’ penchant for bling, busty glamour girls and Chinawhite nightclub, I was wrong. Despite the attention Paul attracted – because he’s handsome and a local celeb – he was shy and endearingly unpretentious. His dedication to his sport was admirable and he stuck to a healthy diet of meat, veg and zero alcohol. I was glad to give my liver a break after last night, but I couldn’t help thinking I’d get bored with this healthy lifestyle if I were to become Paul’s girlfriend. No wonder WAGs develop expensive shopping habits to pass the time of day. I countered Paul’s shyness by talking enough for both of us but our five-year age gap was obvious. I predict he’ll step out with a Hollywood supermodel next – somebody much more in his league than an over-talkative 26-year-old with a stiff neck (dating tall men should come with a health warning).
DATE 5: Peter, 31
WHERE: Vineyard, Adelaide Hills
A picturesque backdrop, fine wine and a man who knows how to use his hands: what’s not to love about my date with Peter the winemaker? I was intrigued to learn about Australia’s finest export – wine, not men – and should Peter and I hit it off, I need never stand in a bottle store looking confused again. It wasn’t until my date with Peter that I realised I’d missed the South African sense of humour. He had that same cheekiness and wit that always attracts me to guys. And after he pulled an expensive bottle of champagne and two glasses out of his car’s cubbyhole whilst driving through the vineyard, I felt suddenly sad that my romantic Aussie adventure was coming to an end. Giddy after sampling 10 varieties of fine wine, Peter dropped me at the airport, promising to call when he hits South Africa next year. And you know what? I hope he does.
Tempting as it was to ‘accidentally’ miss my flight home and stay in South Oz forever; I was excited about coming home, armed with a new approach to love. South Africa was the same as ever but it somehow looked different, in that way your bed looks bigger when you get back from holiday as a kid. I hadn’t quite left my heart in South Australia, but I’d brought back a much clearer idea of what Mr Right will be like when I am finally ready to meet him. Maybe I’ll see Peter again. Maybe I’ll have a sexy reunion with Paul K some day. Maybe I won’t. But I do know that no matter what corner of the world you’re in, there’s always romance, dating disasters and unforgettable flings to be had. And that’s what makes being single so damn exciting, right girls?