Sex & The Single Girl - Live Single-y Ever After

‘Sometimes I feel like the last single girl in the world,’ I blurted out to my friends Maggie* and Tanya* one Sunday brunch. They looked surprised – probably because they were also unattached at the time – but I meant what I said. I’m truly, passionately single, whereas Maggie, 31, and Tanya, 29, are ‘between boyfriends’, devoted to husband-hunting and counting the days since their relationships ended.

Just as picking the right man can make you live happily ever after, actively opting to go solo can, too. It’s the other happy ending. But to do this, you have to accept that being single isn’t something that just happens to you, like measles or a bad day at the office. It’s something you choose.

I can’t remember the specific moment I made that choice. It could have been the first time a married friend complained about the money rows she was having with her husband. Or the day l raced through the city doing back-to-back job interviews, then collapsed on the sofa with a magazine and thought how nice it was not to have to answer a single other question – not even ‘How was your day, dear?’

But being deliberately single doesn’t always mean moments of big revelation. Often it’s the result of the small, medium and super-size decisions we make every day, such as where we live, work or work out. For example, if you don't religiously frequent target-rich environments, such as trendy gyms or dating sites, you could subconsciously be choosing to remain unattached.

And although I may feel like it, I’m not really the last girl in the world to live that way. ‘Why not be single?’ says my friend Laura, 29, a pharmaceutical sales rep. ‘The choice isn’t marry or die!’ The fact is, her life’s too full to worry about scoring a man. Her ‘before-I’m-30 to-do list’ includes playing billiards like a pro and scoring a Marc Jacobs bag. Other friends are focusing on their careers, their friends or just themselves. They don’t subscribe to the myth of ‘the unchosen’; neither should you.

I’m not saying it’s always the easiest choice. I’ve been pretty solidly solo since my divorce 10 years ago. I missed clinging to a warm body at night and hated the ‘poor baby’ looks I got from friends. But like getting out of bed in the morning or forcing yourself into the gym, being single in a coupled-up world was excruciating at first, then it became a healthy habit I couldn’t kick. I painted the kitchen fiery red; I went away for the weekend and didn’t tell a soul; I invited friends over for reality TV marathons. Finally, I admitted to myself that I’d come into my own as a party of one.

Single-by-choice doesn’t mean man-free. It’s not that I don’t enjoy the company of the opposite sex; it’s just that I’d prefer to commit to a few hours rather than a lifetime together. And without the pressure to settle down, I’ve realised that good men aren’t that hard to find – and you don’t need to hold on to one just because he shows up and likes you. Letting go is OK.

So go ahead – value your single-mindedness. Where the between-boyfriends brigade sees endless evenings alone, you see endless options – and our multiple-choice view lets us amuse and delight ourselves.

Choosing to be single means not being captive to the tyranny of ‘We’. No asking for permission or begging for forgiveness; you can have a better life than you ever thought possible.

Am I against marriage? No. Will I tie the knot again some day? Maybe. But, right now, I’m choosing to be single. Tomorrow, I may change my mind. That’s the great thing about singledom – the decision is always yours.

*Names have been changed.

Author: Jerusha Stewart