Cosmopolitan.com

Oh-So-Heavenly

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 12:00 +0200

Books, like shoes and accessories, have the ability to lift my mood up in an instant. I've been an avid reader for as long as I can remember, and when I was younger, the library was the go-to place for my word addiction. As I get older, I have a host of other sources and that have brought me hours of joy.

When we were invited to the Exclusive Books Summer Sale Media Preview, I forgot any January blues I may have been harbouring and headed out to Melrose Arch to see what was in store for me. Even though I work with words every day, there's still that 'kid in a candy store' feeling that I get when I walk into a room full of books - books I can take home with me to fill my already overflowing bookshelf. Exclusive Books never seems to disappoint when it comes to providing its wide selection which caters to the literary tastes of just about anybody.

This time round I found myself hovering around the kiddies section a bit more. My nephew is almost two, and we've already started our mission turn him into a book-lover. He's been known to attempt to read a book upside down for about two minutes before he reverts to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Since I want him to grow up with an appreciation of the beauty and intrigue of books, I was fascinated to find out just how much this book store does to cater for little people.

I left armed with novels, cook books and a wide range of other goodies. If you're a reader, I suggest you go and spend your hard-earned money at that summer sale which is still on countrywide. Unlike your shoes, which may be outdated by next season, your books will last forever. And your book shelf - and your brain - will thank you.

'My Sex Session Ended In The ER' (Part Two)

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:00 +0200

These readers incurred actual injuries when their rowdy romps went too far.

Sexy Smackdown
My boyfriend and I had been dating for just over a month, and I was totally into him. Still, I thought it would be better if we held off on doing the deed until we knew each other better. But after weeks of waiting, I couldn't take it anymore. So one night, after a really romantic dinner, I told him I had to have him right away. As soon as we got to his
place, we were all over each other. The clothes were coming off at lightning speed, and we were frantic to get naked. After pulling his pants down to his ankles, I popped back up to kiss him. I guess he had been looking down at me, because when I stood up, my head smacked him right in the nose. He yelled out in pain as blood started spurting everywhere. I grabbed a whole bunch of paper towels, but the bleeding wouldn't stop. Finally, we realised we had to get him to the hospital. My head butt had broken his nose. Thankfully, he didn't dump me after that disaster.'
- Vanessa*, 23

Park and Ride
'It was a really warm night, and my guy and I were walking through the park. There was no one else around, so we decided to find an out-of-the-way spot to get it on. We saw a bench that looked perfect. He sat down and I lifted my skirt and I got on top. Well, the bench must have been on some sort of an incline, because in the middle of our sex session, it started to tip over. I fell backward off of my man and smacked my head on the concrete. When I came to, my guy was carrying me to the car. At the hospital, I ended up getting 12 stitches in my head. But on the plus side, my boyfriend gave me the royal treatment for the next week.'
- Susan*, 31

Bent Out Of Shape
'My boyfriend and I are into crazy positions, so every night is like another page out of the Kama Sutra. One night, I was straddling him in a chair and bouncing up and down when he slipped out. It all happened so fast: As I came back down, his erection smashed into my pubic bone. I heard something like a snap, and he began screaming in agony. I quickly jumped off of him, and he cried, 'I think you broke my penis!' I had no idea if that was possible, but his stuff was turning black-and-blue. I helped him to the car and then sped to the hospital. Unfortunately our little collision had fractured his penis, and he needed to have surgery. He wouldn't talk to me for weeks after the incident, but under the circumstances, I understood.'
- Gugu*, 32

Twisted Tryst
'I'm a very playful person, so my boyfriend and I are always wrestling and messing around with each other. A couple of months ago, while we were having sex, I decided to see just how flexible I was by bending my legs as far back as I could. My boyfriend was totally into it, so he started leaning on my legs to see how much more I could take. Well, that was a bad idea. All of a sudden, I felt a pop in my knee, followed by excruciating pain. When I looked down at my leg, it was clear that something wasn't right, so we went to the emergency room. As it turned out, I had dislocated my knee. I thought it was pretty funny, but my boyfriend felt terrible.'
- Karen*, 24

*Names have been changed

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Think Before You Ink

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 12:00 +0200

Last weekend brought the fourth annual Cape Town Tattoo Convention back to the city. While the word 'convention' usually connotes business suits and PowerPoint presentations, the tattoo convention is slightly different. Instead of walking in to boring businessman talking about 'blah, blah, blah', you walk in to the sound of tattoo needles buzzing. While the idea of having multiple needles piercing your skin might scare some of you off, it needn't.

While tattoos were once considered a social faux pas, limited to drunken sailors and jailbirds, they're now recognised as works of art, which they undoubtedly are. Now, if you're thinking of heading down the tattoo path, make sure you follow the right route… or you might wake up the next morning with inky remorse.

Here, four tips you should keep in mind before you get a tattoo.

1. Never tattoo a trend. You will probably regret that Chinese symbol (no matter how meaningful you think it might be), tribal marking (why would you ever get a tribal tattoo?) or worse, a butterfly. Or a star. Or a dolphin. Just not cool.

2. When you visit a tattoo parlour, make sure you go to a recognised establishment. You might get ink for cheap in a back-alley, but you're likely to be left with potential infection and in the long-term, cheap-looking, faded designs.

3. Before you go to a respected tattoo shop, make sure you have a printout or picture of the tattoo you have in mind with you. It doesn't need to be exact, as the artists will help you rework whatever you're not happy with, but you can't just walk in and say, 'I want a tattoo of a bird on my ankle. How much does it cost?' Just imagine how many people ask a question like this on a daily basis.

4. Before you impulsively pick your artist, make sure they are on the same page as you when it comes to your design. Look at their portfolios and see what kind of work they've done in the past. If the artist's style doesn't suit yours, it's better to find out before the ink is dry.

So, perhaps the best thing to do is to think on it for a year. There's no need to rush. When the next tattoo convention (where you'll be able to pick from a range of local and international artists) comes to town, you'll be super-prepared and ready to hit the chair. No regrets.

For more information about the Cape Town Tattoo Convention, click here.

'My Sex Session Ended In The ER' (Part One)

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 12:00 +0200

These readers incurred actual injuries when their rowdy romps went too far.

Carnal Crash Course
'When my parents went away one weekend, they asked if I could dog-sit for them. My boyfriend and I were totally psyched about it, because they have a huge place and we were looking forward to christening every room in the house. On our first night there, we went right to the pristine living room. We were going at it on the couch when he decided to lift me onto the glass coffee table. He seemed convinced that it was sturdy enough to take our weight. Well, he was wrong, because all of a sudden, we heard a crack, followed by a crash as we fell right through the table. He quickly pulled me out of the glass heap, shards embedded in my behind. We wrapped my bloody bum in a towel and rushed to the emergency room. The doctors stitched up the deep cuts and sent me home, but it was a good two weeks before I was able to sit down without feeling any pain. I still have the battle scars to this day.'
- Lisa*, 27

Out With a Bang
'On my boyfriend's birthday last year, his friends threw a huge party for him and we ended up getting rather buzzed. When we got home that night, we were horny beyond belief so things got pretty wild. At one point, we were doing the deed doggie-style and my head kept banging up against the headboard. I don't know if I was drunker than I thought or just really in the moment, but I barely felt it. The next day I woke up with a killer headache, which I assumed was just a hangover. I took a couple of aspirin and went to work, but I felt really light-headed and the pain wasn't going away. Mid-morning, I passed out and was taken to the hospital. Apparently all that head-banging the night before had given me a concussion.'
- Tanya*, 23

Runaway Condom
'Back at university, I was sleeping with this guy who was very well-endowed. One night, after a particularly strenuous sex session, we couldn't find the condom. We looked all over the place and then decided it must have still been inside me. I started to poke around, but couldn't find it. Greg even took a shot, but nada. Finally, we gave up and assumed it had gotten lost in the sheets. But the next day I started to feel pretty
uncomfortable below the belt. Then my flatmate told me she'd heard that if a
guy was too big, the condom could get lodged all the way up in a woman's uterus. I freaked out and had her drive me straight to the emergency room. Turns out, there was no condom in my uterus (it's actually impossible). In fact, when I got home that afternoon and changed my sheets, I found it buried in my duvet.'
- Katie*, 29

Bumps In The Night
'My boyfriend and I thought it would be fun to use food during sex one night. We put an old sheet that we didn't care about on the bed and pulled out a plethora of food products. We took turns covering each other with whipped cream, strawberries, and chocolate sauce and then licking it up. After our erotic food adventure, we were so
exhausted that we ended up falling asleep on the dirty sheets. In the middle of the night, I woke up feeling as if I had rolled around in poison ivy. I went into the bathroom to rinse off but when I looked in the mirror, I saw that I had a red rash all over my body. I woke up my boyfriend, and we rushed to the ER, where a doctor told me I was having some sort of an allergic reaction. She kept asking what I had eaten that day or if I'd used a new product on my skin. As embarrassing as it was, I came clean. Apparently, the combination of foods and saliva had irritated my very sensitive skin. She gave me a prescription and sent me home, but the rash took a full week to go away.'
- Joanna*, 31

*Names have been changed

Major Fail (Part Two)

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 12:00 +0200

Some guys will never learn…

Room Serviced
'One weekend, I made plans to go to the beach with my girlfriend and a group of our friends. At the last minute, my girlfriend's best friend said she wanted to come, so she told her she could stay in our hotel room with us. I was pissed that her friend was intruding on our romantic weekend, but when we arrived, I couldn't help but notice that she looked smoking in her little red bikini. On our first night there, just as we were getting ready to head back to our room, my girlfriend got a call from her mom and found out her little brother was sick with pneumonia. She decided to go back home to see how he was doing but insisted we stay and enjoy the rest of the trip. Her friend and I were both bummed that she left, so we just chilled in the hotel room and ordered chips. While we were eating, the girl tucked my hair behind my ears and said, "Let's just try to make the best of things." We started feeding each other chips, and soon enough, we were all over each other. She turned out to be great in bed, so when we got back, I blew off my girlfriend and asked out her friend out instead.'
- Brian*, 30

One-Night Hand
'l picked up this girl at her parents' house for a night on the town, and toward the end of the evening, I took her to the local scenic spot overlooking our city. We kissed, and things quickly heated up. She was wearing a short, skimpy dress, so I took full advantage of the easy access. After some heavy-duty groping, it was an hour past her curfew. I drove her to her house, and when I walked her back, we discovered that all the doors were locked. She had to knock on the front door, and her dad answered. She introduced us, and he immediately stuck out his hand to shake mine. I hesitated because I didn't wash my hands after our makeout session, but finally, I put out my right hand that l'd used to fondle his daughter and gave him a firm shake. lt was so hard to keep a straight face.'
- Frank*, 18

On The Down-Load
'l was dating this girl for six months when a good friend forwarded me digital pics and told me to download them immediately. When I clicked open the attachments, they were of my girlfriend swapping spit with another guy at a party. I was completely furious, so I decided l'd get even before dumping her. We lived four hours apart, and sometimes we would use our webcams to have strip shows for each other late at night before we went to sleep. One evening, I invited an old fling to my place. Before she arrived, I called my girlfriend and told her I was having friends over but that she should leave her webcam on and I'd have a kinky surprise for her later. l then pointed my webcam directly at my bed, and when my ex arrived, we did the deed for an hour. After she left, my girlfriend called and shouted at me, but I fired back that I knew she was a cheater and hung up. It felt great to put that two-timer in her place.'
- Dan*, 31

Members Only
'ln the student centre, my girlfriend and I were stressed out cramming for exams, and she whispered she was horny. It was getting dark, so we decided to take a 'study break' and hook up on a secluded part of the campus behind the faculty library. The lights were off inside the building and no one was around, so we lay down and my girlfriend unzipped my fly. While we were in the middle of getting busy, a bright light came on in the library. We were afraid someone would catch us in the act, so we stopped and ran. When we got back to res, I realised I'd forgotten to zip my fly and my member had been hanging out the entire time. I figured no one else saw it, but when I went to take my exam the next morning, my old British professor came up to me. l thought she was going to say something about the test, but she leaned over and whispered, "The faculty library area is off limits to students, young man. Next semester, I suggest you and your willy avoid making any guest appearances."'
- Taariq*, 21

*Names have been changed

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Who Are You Going To Be In 2012?

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 12:00 +0200

It's a new year. The parties have dwindled, the jeans no longer fit, our bank balances are traumatised and we've all gone back to work. I'm one of those people who never grew out of dreading the first day of school. I've always hyped it up in my head and made it seem like it was a drastic step I was never quite ready to take.

But the onset of 2012 has been a bit different. After a few weeks of lazing in the sun, eating everything in sight and having cocktails for breakfast, I was ready to go back to life. By life, I mean some kind of routine. When D-day came, I didn't moan or cry over the fact that none of my clothes fit, I simply got on with it. This is also one of the few years that I don't have a long list of New Year's resolutions that will be shelved by March, nor do I really have any regrets from the year gone by. None of this is because I had an amazing year with no glitches and tears, mind you; but, there's something about the onset of this year that has me feeling calm, relaxed and pretty sorted – a highly unusual state for me.

While I was happily riding my calm wave, a friend of mine sent me a 30-day self-love challenge. I figured it can't be a bad thing to do, so I set myself up and was ready to do the first exercise which was writing out 20 things about yourself that you're grateful for. At first I figured that would be pretty simple; I mean, how hard can it be to write down 20 things that you quite like about yourself? Four and a half hours later, I finally finished the project. Which got me thinking: if it takes me that amount to time to find 20 things I appreciate about myself, what am I actually doing with myself?

A week into 2012, I've realised that this is the year I would like to be more honest with myself about my needs, wants, dreams and fears. In the Jo'burg COSMO office, we often speak about people living their dream life and how awesome that is. I think, this year, every COSMO girl deserves that. So, as the new year starts I hope you have the strength and the courage to invest in your own truth, the drive to make your dreams a reality, and the inner wisdom to realise that you, too, deserve to live your dream life.

Here's to a fabulous 2012!

Major Fail (Part One)

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 12:00 +0200

Some guys will never learn…

Office Booty
'Two years ago, I was interning at a law firm that deals primarily with divorce. During my second week there, this gorgeous older woman with a killer body came in to speak with my boss about her upcoming divorce proceedings. She was actually good friends with my supervisor, and after their meeting, they went out to lunch at a local restaurant. They invited me to go along with them, and throughout the meal, I caught the beautiful client staring at me and smiling. On our way out, I casually mentioned that I get to work a few hours earlier than the rest of the office. When I arrived the next morning, she showed up before anyone else did. While she was waiting for the boss to get in, she hinted to me that since I was so naturally muscular, I must be well-endowed. I told her there was only one way to find out, and we wound up having sex against the filing cabinet. About once a week or so, she'd come in early and we'd mess around. This continued for two months until one day, my superior arrived ahead of schedule and found us mid-action. I was fired that afternoon, and I heard that her divorce was finalised soon after I left.'
- Paul*, 28

Maxi-Cad
'My older sister set me up on a blind date with one of her co-workers, and we decided to meet at the back of an Italian bistro that I had never been to before. While I was waiting for my date to show up, I was feeling majorly anxious, so I had a few beers to ease my nerves. Before long, I was buzzed and needed to use the bathroom. The signs were in Italian, so I couldn't teIl which one was the men's room. I opened the door on the left and saw a woman sitting on the toilet, placing a pad on her underwear. She looked up and screamed, "Get out of here, you pervert!" I closed the door and went back to my seat, red-faced. Minutes later, the girl I walked in on came up to the back of the restaurant. We both stared at each other, and I suspected she was my date. I started to introduce myself, and she looked grossed out. Needless to say, the date was a total flop. We both agreed that we'd never hangout again, and neither of us told my sister about the whole bathroom disaster.'
- Mark*, 33

Little Chop of Horrors
'During my third year at university, I lived with this greasy sleazeball who I couldn't stand. The guy had this disgusting mullet that he claimed helped him get girls. Every day, he would slather his rat-tail with hair gel and brag that it was one of his hottest attributes. We were in a couple of classes together, and he was constantly trying to mooch answers off of me. It got me mad, but he crossed the line when I found him copying my assignments that I'd slaved over for weeks. One evening, he stayed out late at the bars with his pals and then returned home to pass out. While he was snoozing, I took a pair of scissors and snipped off the nasty rat-tail at the end of his mullet. When he woke up the following day and realised that his beloved do was destroyed, he went berserk. He definitely knew I was behind it, but the expression on his face was worth all of his screaming at me.'
- Alvin*, 24

*Names have been changed

>>>Go To Part Two

The Detox Wrap

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 12:00 +0200

So January's here. How many of us now wish we'd thought of Last-Month-Of-The-Old-Year resolutions on 30 November - like, 'This December, I will limit myself to one mince pie a day and to one glass of bubbly a night'. But would we have stuck to them? Not likely!

All over the world, penitent gluttons are shutting themselves away in darkened rooms as they try to cope with the unique hideousness that is the detox headache. But there's a much more fun (and luxurious) way to kick-start a bright new you for a bright new year. And you don't even have to give up caffeine - in fact, it's an essential part of the Africology Coffee and Mint Body Wrap.

The treatment starts with an exfoliating body scrub, which incorporates marula shells ground to just the right texture. This gets your skin primed for the application of warm coffee-and-minty mud. (Did you ever hear that song 'Mud, Mud, Glorious Mud'? Bet this is what they were singing about.) The scents that escape are yummy and energising. And yet, cocooned in the wrap, with a warm blanket over you and that unique genre of (spa) music wafting from the speakers, you'll probably drift off to sleep while the spearmint and coffee extracts do their thing - stimulate blood flow, lymph drainage and toxin elimination. (It's apparently highly recommended as part of a lymph drainage treatment, and helpful for water retention and cellulite problems.)

Then, if you want to go the whole hog (after pigging out for a month, why stop now?) and you're having the wrap at one of those hushed temples of hedonism like the Mount Nelson's Librisa Spa, where I tried it out, the wrap should be followed with a full body massage. The oils used during my trial were a combination of energising and relaxing lavender and eucalyptus. Blissssss.

To have an Africology Coffee and Mint Body Wrap is the new-year resolution we're making now, in advance, for every January until - well, forever, quite frankly. It definitely helps one get over festive-season overindulgence and to recover from too many late nights. It's excellent for stress-relief too. What are you waiting for? Try it!

For more information or to find venues where the treatment is offered, visit www.africology-sa.com or book online at the Librisa Spa via www.mountnelson.co.za. Alternatively, phone 021 483 1550 and ask for Michelle.

Manky Manoeuvres (Part Three)

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 12:00 +0200

Men dish on their dating disasters.

Blinded Date
'My friends said they had the perfect girl for me, so I decided to give it a try. I had to take an hour-long bus ride to meet her. When I got there, she answered the door and I was shocked. Her hair was all over the place, and she had this weird, crazy look in her eyes. As we started talking, I realised she was completely insane. Nothing she said made sense. My pals later admitted it was a huge joke.'
- Fred*, 33

Knock, Knock, Who's Scared?
'l had liked this girl for a few years, and I finally got the chance to hook up with her. She was really aggressive and asked me back to her house to mess around. I had never had sex before, so I was hesitant but decided to go for it anyway. While we were in the middle of getting it on, her dad knocked on her bedroom door to check and see if she
had made it home that night. I had no idea that her parents had come home. We were both so freaked out about getting caught that l hid under the covers for almost two hours until they fell asleep and she could sneak me out of the house.'
- Alex*, 19

Suite Surrender
'During the holidays, I had a part-time job as a receptionist at a fancy hotel in town. They were having some sort of huge convention for large corporations, and a bunch of businessmen were staying there for a few days. One guy had his super-hot wife staying with him in his room. Apparently, she got bored while he was in meetings all day, because she slipped me a schedule of the convention with a highlighted time, smiled, and winked at me. I looked up her suite number and showed up at her door right on time. I had a blast, and let's just say that I gave her first-rate room service.'
- Tshepo*, 22

Crappy Birthday
'l was at a restaurant for my friend's birthday, and a bunch of us brought a chocolate cake for him. Our friend had commented on how cute the waitress was, so we asked if she could be the one to bring it out. The whole staff sang Happy Birthday. Then the waitress came out, set the cake down in front of me, and gave me a huge kiss. l told her it wasn't my birthday, but she couldn't hear me and said, 'Aw, don't be shy, birthday boy!' My friend got upset, I felt super awkward, and the waitress was totally and completely embarrassed.'
- Matthew*, 21

Crash 'n' Dash
'I was dating this girl who lived with her parents. I was hanging around their house one day, and I knocked over this expensive vase. No one was in the room, and I didn't want to confess. I decided to leave it on the floor and made an excuse about why I had to leave. Later, my girlfriend told me that her parents had blamed her sister and she had gotten into trouble. I should have come clean, but I never did.'
- Patrick*, 21

*Names have been changed

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Merriment In Maputo

Thu, 22 Dec 2011 12:00 +0200

Fashion and indulgence are two words that I often associate with each other. So it was with great excitement that I headed out to Mozambique, partly as a holiday and partly to check out Mozambique Fashion Week. I headed out of South Africa, feeling exhausted and uninspired. The plan was to get a boost of energy from long lazy days in Maputo and get the creative 'food' that I needed from the clothes.

We stayed at the Maputo Southern Sun, a place that is a small piece of paradise, located right by the beach. Our room overlooked the pool area and the beach. The view alone seemed to take off weeks of stress that was firmly lodged in my body. With a week of sea, food and fashion ahead of me, I couldn't wait to see what Maputo had to offer me this time around.

One of the things I adore about Maputo is the feeling that you can walk to anywhere you really please without having to feel your safety is compromised. One our first day, I felt like being an explorer and not a tourist. Armed with nothing but some money and some sunscreen, I walked around town, visiting downtown spots that were the playground of the locals. Parched, exhausted and eager to switch back into tourist mode, I headed back to our hotel for a cocktail session by the pool and a walk on the beach. After a nap and some 'get beautiful' time, I headed out to Joaquim Chissano Conference Centre to see what Mozambican fashion has to offer.

I walked in with very few expectations. I feel that South Africans are quite spoilt for choice, I knew that if I walked in there expecting what I was used to back home; I would be setting myself up. The venue was well-decorated and the city's socialites were out in great numbers. Unable to understand what most of the people were saying, I found myself a comfortable seat not far from the runway and immersed myself in the designer's offerings for days on end.

Liz Ogumbo and Odile Gertze were some of the stand-out designers, wowing the Mozambican crowds and managing to illicit a positive reaction from a partially jaded Jo'burger. The other designers also put on impressive shows and it was visible that quite a bit of thought had been put into it. So even though Mozambican Fashion Week isn't in the same league as the shows we have here, I loved the passion and interest that was shown. There was a certain charming naivety about the shows; there was still belief in the eyes of the fashionistas and socialites. That energy and enthusiasm made me hanker for days gone by when South African shows still had that. We now have all the class, glamour and world standards but seem to have lost that youthful spark that the Mozambicans still have.

After the shows were the mandatory after-parties. The locals were up for a party even on week nights and I made sure I was part of that scene. We went party hopping for three nights in a row and since Mozambicans know how to party, our evenings often ended after 3am. The combinations of humid summer nights, cocktails and the splendour of being in a foreign country ensured that my enjoyment of the after-parties were as energised and exciting as everything else about my stay.

Between fashion shows and late nights, I spent my days being well taken care of by the staff at the Southern Sun Maputo. My days were made up of lazy long breakfasts, followed by naps and walks on the beach, which were rewarded by seafood dinners. What more could a girl ask for to top off a long year? Mozambique helped me find myself again, I remembered that I was a fun spirit and I plan on taking that Maputo energy into 2012 with me.

*Zama travelled on BA Comair - who operate 10 flights a week between Jo'burg Lanseria and Maputo. For more information, check out www.kulula.com.

Manky Manoeuvres (Part Two)

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 12:00 +0200

Here, men dish on their dating disasters.

Smack Attack
'My friends and I were bored and decided to grab a cup of coffee at a trendy spot in the neighbourhood. The front of the coffee place we went to had floor-to-ceiling windows, and as we were walking to the door, I noticed the place was packed with cute girls. I wanted to be the first to walk in, so I went in front of my friends to open the door.
I pushed on the door really hard, but it didn't open, and I slammed into it with my face. The sound of me hitting the door made this loud noise, and everyone in the coffee shop turned to stare at me. My face hurt, but that wasn't the worst part. All of my friends were laughing hysterically and causing a huge scene to draw even more attention to my extremely dumb move.'
- Justin*, 18

Fore-Played
'I played in a golf tournament that was for people in the finance industry, and I did really badly. Afterwards, there was an awards ceremony. In front of everyone, I was given the Most Honest Golfer award, which basically let everyone know how much I sucked. The worst part was that the statue they gave me was of a female golfer. I have never seen my boss laugh so hard.'
- John*, 24

Seňor Sticky Buns
'My friends and I went to grab dinner at a popular Mexican restaurant. The place was busy, and they started clearing our table before we even left. As we were walking out, I noticed my shoe was untied, so I sat down to tie it. As soon as I sat, I heard a loud crashing noise. I had accidentally sat on a bucket of dirty dishes. When I stood up, I realised I had landed in a pile of ground beef and refried beans, which looked disgusting on the back of my pants. Afterward, we had plans with other friends, so I had to walk around with my friends looking like l'd had an accident. I was mortified.'
- Mike*, 22

Princess Poofy
'l met this incredibly attractive girl through a mutual friend and asked her out on a date. To show off, l took her to a trendy new restaurant in town. The whole time we were together, all she talked about was how much money her family made, her really expensive car, and her exclusively designer wardrobe. By the end of dinner, l was completely fed up with her and thought she was a total brat. Since she had been bragging about her cash flow, l slyly told her that I had forgotten my wallet, and if she picked up the tab, I would pay her back. After the date, l never returned her calls and never repaid her. I figured she deserved it for being a snob.'
- Andrew*, 21

Free-Falling Flirt
'I had the biggest crush on this girl who wouldn't give me the time of day. One afternoon, I was standing around with a big group of people at the beach and the cute girl was standing in the crowd. Wanting to impress my crush, I told everyone about this awesome flip I had learned how to do from a friend. I went to do the flip but lost my balance in the middle of it and ended up doing a total face-plant in the sand. I cut my head pretty badly and even have a scar from it. Even after all that, she didn't pay any attention to me.'
- Zach*, 21

*Names have been changed

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Manky Manoeuvres (Part One)

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 12:00 +0200

Streaking, cheating and drunk as a lord... dubious dudes tell all.

Mile-High Flub
'I flew to see my Iong-distance girlfriend, and she picked me up at the airport wearing a coat and heels with nothing underneath. When we got to the car, we started getting it on. Then there was a knock on the door. The parking attendant was standing there with a huge grin. He'd been doing his rounds and noticed our car rocking back and forth and had come over to investigate.'

Diss-Missed!
'I was dating this girl and wasn't into her anymore. I hate breaking up with people and was really nervous to do it. After a few drinks, I tracked her down and started my speech to end things. I must have had too much to drink because it came out all wrong. I mixed up a standard Iine and said, "It's not me; it's you." She totally went off on me and started screaming.'

Nice To Cheat You…
'I was dating two girls at the same time when I met a third woman. I kept seeing all three on the sly. I wasn't very smart about it because the house I live in has an open- door policy. I was cuddling on my couch with one girl when the second one walked in and caught us. They both freaked out on me and walked out. On their way, they ran into the last girl, who had decided to drop in. When she found out, she also dumped me. I just had to laugh at the situation.'

Crude Awakening
'One night, after too many drinks, I took this girl back to my res. After she fell asleep I stumbled out of my room to the bathroom down the hall. Then l went back and snuggled up next to her in bed. I must have been more drunk than I thought because the next thing l knew, l was being shaken awake by the girl. l'd gone into the room next to mine and crawled into bed with some guy. He tried to wake me up, but I was passed out, so he went to my room and had the girl get me out of his bed.'

Streak Freak
'I was at a party with one of my friends, and a girl I had a crush on was there. Somehow, we started playing truth or dare, and my friend and I were dared to go streaking down the street. Because I was trying to impress the girl, I accepted the challenge. I figured it would be over quickly and no one would see that much. After my friend and I streaked, we came back to find that the girls had brought video cameras and were taping us the whole time. I was really embarrassed about it, but the worst part was that l later found out my crush actually had a thing for my friend.'

Lapping Up The Island Life

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 12:00 +0200

The newly rebranded LUX* Island Resorts in Mauritius, Maldives and Ile de La Réunion offer everything you could possibly want from an island holiday; ice-cream parlours and secrets bars included.

Let’s not beat around the bush; we South Africans have our own share of delectable beaches that offer all the right amounts of sun, sea and sand. We’re not desperately searching for a beach that satisfies us (there’s one on every part of our own coastline, after all). In fact, if you want us to visit your beach resort in another country, it better be damn tempting. Luckily, LUX* Islands Reports are…

LUX* (that’s Latin for light, you know) Island Resorts are newly-revamped, rebranded resorts in Mauritius, Maldives and Ile de La Réunion. And, because I’ll never miss an opportunity to compare other beaches to our own, I visited their resort in Le Morne, Mauritius (spoiler alert: it’s pretty fantastic). It’s five-star, which means it’s got all the luxuries you dream of when planning a beach holiday, complete with indoor and outdoor showers in your room, king-size beds, flat-screen TVs, a private patio and direct access to the sea (which is actually warm enough to swim in – tisk tisk, Cape Town).

But they’re not just clued up on fancy interior décor and amenities. The idea is that the resort will leave you with benefits that will last well after your tan has faded. They say they want you to come back ‘feeling re-energised, reinvigorated, re-inspired and re-ignited,’ all of which sound like good ideas to us. Instead of simply offering another, same-old, 5-star location (one quick trip around Google will show you just how many ‘relaxing, quiet, luxurious, 5-star’ resorts Mauritius already houses - yawn), LUX* offers an experience; an experience they like to call Island Light Holidays.

They want to give you a less complicated holiday experience. Everything you could possibly need or want is at the resort. Constant flow of booze? Done – they’ll even have secret bars that pop up in different locations of the beach, so you never have to walk very far for a cocktail. You want to sleep ‘til noon? No problem; they’ve got specialised ‘Sleep Tight’ beds that you literally have to drag yourself out of. Want to feel like a kid in a sandy, candy shop? Sure thing; check out the ice-cream parlours scattered around. And everything is provided for you by staff that is actually friendly, helpful and knowledgeable.

They take you back to island life as it should be; fresh, simple, spontaneous. The best bit is that they’re not trying to be your average location, mimicking some hotel chain from the West. They’re entirely about real Mauritian, island life, from the music to the food to the parties. But that doesn’t mean you’re not spoilt for choice. In the two days I was there, I snorkelled around the reef, ate lobster on a boat, swam with dolphins, ate lobster on a beach, did yoga in a forest, indulged in their vegetarian cuisine (for those of you who battle to find healthy food on holiday – they have Honestly Healthy menu options that will definitely keep you filled up with ), had a massage in their spa that offers up tailor-made treatments just for you, ate lobster in a restaurant, and partied in their bar (note to self: never drink rum again). Because of time, I missed out on the art classes, dancing lessons, picnics, kite surfing, monopoly (the winnings of which LUX turns into real money to donate to community projects) and much, much more.

If you want to ‘celebrate the energy, colour and tastes of island life’, you could do a lot worse than the LUX* Island Resorts. Yes, it’s even worth pulling yourself off our own beaches for – especially if you like a well-rounded, experience-filled holiday. It’s all turquoise water and white sand and, yes, it’s beautiful. Plus, surprisingly, it’s quite mountainous - which only means you get the perfect combination of sea time and forest time. So, all of your picky friends will be happy. But, really, beware of the rum.

Packages to any of the LUX* Island Resorts can be booked by e-mailing reservations@islandlightholidays.co.za or calling 011 770 7821.

A seven-day package deal that includes direct return flights, return airport/hotel transfers, seven nights’ accommodation, dinner and breakfast daily, goes for around R17 379pps, depending on the time of year.

'S' Is For 'Skanky' (Part Three)

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 12:00 +0200

Major mishaps and biggie blunders... real boys reveal all.

Ring Ring, Cheat Cheat
'For about eight months I had been cheating on my girlfriend. One day, my girlfriend happened to call me at home while my new girl was there. I picked up, and we chatted for a bit. After we said goodbye, my new girl asked if my girlfriend suspected I was cheating on her. I said she was clueless, and we did the deed. When we were done, someone called my cell and said they had been trying to reach me at home but kept getting a busy signal. I checked my telephone and realised that I hadn't hung up. My girlfriend had heard everything - when I picked up, she was still on the phone, crying and told me it was over.'
- Shaun*, 31

Wings Of Desire
'I was at a local bar with my boys when I ran into this girl from one of my classes. I'd been trying to get her to go out with me all semester. I must have done something right because she came up to me and we spent the rest of the night hanging out, and shared a plate of spicy chicken wings at the bar. At the end of the night, we went outside and started kissing, and I accidentally let out a stinky burp in her mouth. I ended up doing badly as I refused to go to class for the rest of the semester - just so I wouldn't have to face her.'
- Will*, 22

Flash and Burn
'During the last week of varsity my friends and I went to the beach. I got badly sunburnt and was tired, but everyone was going out that night and I wanted to join. Between my sunburn and exhaustion, the alcohol hit me pretty hard, and I went home and crashed early. I didn't wear clothes to bed because anything touching my body was uncomfortable. The next morning I woke up outside my dorm building naked, lying on my bed-sheet in front of a bunch of people laughing at me. My roommates said they had found me sprawled naked in bed the night before and thought it would be funny to carry my sheet (with me on it) to the front of our dorm for everyone to see.'
- Mike*, 23

Clean-Up On Aisle Four
'One night I was out with a bunch of friends, and we decided to play a prank on our friend who had bailed on us and stayed home for the night. The plan was to cover his car in feminine hygiene products and lube. My friends pulled up to a 24-hour pharmacy, and I ran in to get the supplies. I loaded up my arms with all the goods and headed to the cashier. As I rounded the aisle, I lost my grip and dropped everything. Everyone in the store was staring at me. I tried to explain that it was for a prank, but I probably looked like the biggest weirdo.'
- Thabo*, 20

Dinner For Ewww
'My girlfriend always complains that I'm not romantic, so I decided to surprise her and make dinner. She loves linguine with Marinara sauce, so I printed out a recipe I found online. It called for tinned mussels, but I wanted to try using fresh ones. She loved the dinner, and I knew I was going to score that night. We were heading to the bedroom when we both started to feel queasy and ran to the bathroom. Being a gentleman, I let her throw up in the toilet and I threw up in the tub. I guess there was something wrong with the mussels.'
- Phil*, 31

*Names have been changed

<<

I'm Getting Tested, Are You?

Thu, 01 Dec 2011 12:00 +0200

It's World Aids Day today and once again HIV is the talk of the town. In my life, HIV isn't just a day of talks and advertising campaigns, it's a reality that I have been faced with since I was about 16. I know that this story isn't unique to me; many people have uncles, fathers, sisters and friends that they've lost to HIV. There are also many of us who have loved ones who are more than just HIV positive, they are living positively with it.

I first had direct contact with Aids when I was in Grade 11. My friend's mother had been sick for a while and when my mom and I went to go see her in hospital, she was a shadow of who she used to be. In between shallow breaths, she told us about her condition and for the first time ever, I realised that HIV and Aids weren't as far away as I would've liked to think.

Since then I've lost about four cousins to the disease. Their condition was shrouded with secrecy and adamant denial about having HIV or Aids. Instead, stories were made up to explain their deteriorating health.

What I know for sure is that some of my cousins would have still been alive if treatment had been sought. If they weren't in denial, they could have helped themselves.

Despite the casualties I've seen, I've also come across some success stories; stories of people that took their health into their own hands and decided to live positively and not give up. I have good friends that have refused to give up on life just because their test results weren't what they were hoping for.

So when the advertising campaigns go live today, I hope that many more of us will be heading out to get tested. Daunting and nerve-wracking as that process may be, I feel that it's one of the conditions that should come with the decision to have sex. No matter what results may lay ahead of each of us, I hope we take responsibility for ourselves and for our health and continue to spread the good word about safe sex and regular testing.

For more information about World Aids Day, click here.

'S' Is For 'Skanky' (Part Two)

Tue, 29 Nov 2011 12:00 +0200

Major mishaps and biggie blunders... real boys reveal all.

Chest In Peace
'This girl who I really liked was throwing a pool party and had invited me. I was really excited to spend time with her. Before the day of the party, I talked to her good friend, and she mentioned that the girl I liked really didn't like guys with hairy chests. Since I'm super-hairy, I decided it might increase my chances with her if I did something about it. I'd heard it was better to wax than shave, so I made an appointment to have my chest waxed right before I had to be at the party. I felt itchy after the wax, but I got dressed and headed to the party anyway. When I got to the pool and took off my shirt. I saw that my chest was covered in red spots and everyone was staring at me. Amber was not impressed with my blotchy chest, and I ended up leaving the party early because I was in so much pain.'
- Chris*, 29

Ding-Dong Ditcher
'After getting out of a long relationship I went out to celebrate my new single life with a bunch of friends. I met this fairly attractive girl at the bar, and she was flirting with me big-time. At the end of the night, we went back to her place. The next morning, I asked her if she wanted some water. She said sure, so I got dressed and left the bedroom. But instead of heading to the kitchen, I went straight out the front door and never looked back. It was a great way to celebrate being single.'
- Patrick*, 30

Déja Who?
'Shortly after breaking up with my girlfriend, I started dating this other girl. At first, she didn't want to date me because she thought I wasn't over my ex. She was right, but I really wanted to go out with someone so that I could make my ex jealous. I was able to convince my new girl that I was into her and we should be together. One night, we were hooking up, and I thought she was having a good time. All of a sudden, she started crying. When I asked her why, she said, 'Because my name isn't Lauren.' I had accidently started calling her my ex's name in the sack.'
- Nick*, 27

Whizz Kid
'I had been on a few dates with this girl, and things were going really well. One night, we went out with mutual friends and stayed out until sunrise. We ended up crashing on a friend's futon. We were both too tired to hook up, so we just fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later to her screaming at me to get up. In my sleep, I had rolled over and accidentally pee'ed.'
- Jacob*, 23

Early Bird's Worm
'My family has a beach house, and during the winter I go up there occasionally. One weekend I spent the night there, and when I woke up in the morning, I went to the kitchen to make breakfast. No one was around, so I figured it was okay to hang out naked. I was making toast when I heard giggling. I turned around and saw my varsity-age cousin and a bunch of hot girls from her class. They had come up to use the place for some girlie bonding. I could still hear them howling as I ran up the stairs.'
- Max*, 25

*Names have been changed

<<
>>>Go To Part Three

'S' Is For 'Skanky' (Part One)

Tue, 22 Nov 2011 12:00 +0200

Major mishaps and biggie blunders... real boys reveal all.

Wood You Give Me a Rubdown?
'My best friend is always talking about how his girlfriend gives the best massages. One day, we were all hanging out and my back was killing me. My friend suggested that I let his girlfriend work out the kink in my back. I was sitting, and she was standing behind me and started giving me an absolutely amazing massage. There was nothing sexual about it - we were in a room full of people, fully clothed. But for some reason, I got a hard-on. My friend noticed right away and got really annoyed, and his girlfriend was extremely grossed out. I still haven't lived that one down among my friends.'
- Thabo*, 26

Open-House Hump
'After tech, my girlfriend moved into a great flat. My mom, who's an estate agent, had shown her the place. The day my girlfriend moved in we decided to christen her new bedroom, and we ended up getting pretty loud. A few minutes after we finished, there was a knock on the door. My girlfriend answered it and came face-to-face with my mother. She had been showing the apartment downstairs and could hear everything we were doing. I tried to explain, but all she said was, 'Next time, keep it down. It's hard to get across the selling points of an apartment when all my clients can hear is moaning and groaning.'
- Samson*, 24

Scary Movie, The Prequel
'I was at my hot friend's house watching a horror movie one night, and I had a feeling that we were going to hook up. Sometimes, I have a hard time lasting during sex - especially when a girl is really gorgeous. I'd heard you last longer if you pleasure yourself before sex, so half-way through the movie, I ran to the bathroom. I guess my friend started to worry after a while, so she muted the movie and came to find me. She heard weird noises and opened the bathroom door, which I had forgotten to lock, and found me doing my thing. The only person I got lucky with that night was myself.'
- Lihle*, 19

Zip It
'I was best man at my brother's wedding. On the day of the ceremony, I was getting ready and spilled coffee on my boxers. They didn't have time to dry, so I went commando. Mid-ceremony, I was standing in front of the congregation when I noticed that I was getting weird looks. Out of nowhere, my mom walked up to the altar and zipped my fly. Before I could ask her what she was doing, some of the guests started clapping. Apparently, I'd given everyone a nice view of my bits and pieces.'
- Tom*, 28

In a Lather
'My girlfriend and I were at her parent's house while they were out of town. We were feeling a little wild and decided to get it on in the shower. She's a lot shorter than I am, so it was hard to get into a comfortable position. Finally, we figured out that if she put her foot on the soap dish it made things easier. It worked for a while, until the force of our body weight ripped the soap dish right out of the wall. We both fell and there was a big hole in the tiles. When her parents came home, she lied and said she'd slipped while she was shaving in the shower.'
- Drew*, 21

*Names have been changed

>>>Go To Part Two

A Shopper's Delight

Thu, 17 Nov 2011 12:00 +0200

There are several combos that have earned their right as crowd pleasers for women. Champagne and a brand new store lined with exquisite clothes is one of those winning combos. We were recently invited to the opening of Zara and, based on the excitement of the fashion team, we knew we were in for a treat.

Sandton has always been the go-to place for fashion-forward stores, so it came as no surprise that this is where the country's first Zara would be located. We arrived in the new wing of the mall and were immediately impressed with the sleek styling and simple, yet classy aesthetic. As if things couldn't get any better, champagne was being served in every corner.

When I first walked into Zara, my first thought was 'There goes my pay cheque.' Even though I'm not the biggest shopper, I knew that this store and I were going to get well acquainted and that my wallet would be badly affected. There isn't a single ugly item of clothing allowed at Zara. Even though some things may not be to your tastes, you'll still be able to see that they are beautifully created pieces of art.

It took about three glasses of champagne to traverse the entire store and see what they had in stock. Shoes, bags, blazers and dresses were calling out my name at every turn, making me wonder if paying rent was actually important – that's how much the store sucks you in.

My only complaint would be that their sizes will only work for women who are a size 36 or smaller and, considering the fact that a lot of women aren't that size, I thought it would have been nice to create a little something for them too.

I left in a daze, armed with a stunning pair of pants that I think I will live in for the rest of my life. Within five days I was back, looking, lusting and cursing myself for not having more money. There was some new stock and women who looked like they'd just walked into a house made of chocolate, full of awe and gleeful delight.

Girls, I think fashion heaven has officially arrived.

Mortifying Sex Moves (Part Two)

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 12:00 +0200

Even the hottest seduction scheme can turn into a train wreck...

The Kama Sweatra
'One weekend my fiancé was a bit down, so to cheer him up, I slipped on my new negligee and told him to sit down on the couch and relax. Things quickly heated up, and he asked to try a new position that involved my sitting on his lap facing him and placing my legs behind him over the couch. I was a little sweaty and kept sliding off his lap, so to prevent me from falling, he grabbed my hips. I'm very ticklish there and burst out laughing. It was so intense that I lost control and peed on him. He freaked out and said we should cool it for a bit.'
- Rachel*, 29

Ex-Squeeze Me, Do I Know You?
'I recently had some people over, and my friend brought this good-looking guy. He was hitting on me the entire time, so later I invited him to my room. At that point, the sexual tension was so strong that I pulled him onto the bed with me. While we were going at it, he whispered, "Say my name. Say it." Unfortunately, I had forgotten his name! Then he said, "Wait a second... you don't know my name, do you?" I just shrugged. He was so angry that he threw on his clothes and stormed out.'
- Ann*, 22

Love at First Bite
'One night, my boyfriend and I hung out at a bar with our buddies, and while we were driving back, we stopped at a red robot. I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to tease him with a little oral action. I unzipped his pants and was going down on him when a police car drove up beside us. Panicking, my boyfriend pulled my head closer to his crotch to hide me. The action set off my gag reflex, and I clenched my jaw and accidentally bit down on his member. Since we had been stopped for so long, the policeman pulled over and walked up to see my boyfriend clutching his privates and screaming.'
- Nancy*, 23

Head Butt
'I always had a thing for my good guy friend. Well, one night, when the two of us were at his parents' place, we hooked up in his room after everyone went to sleep. I attempted to try a sex position that involved doing a bridge and bashed my head against the shelf above his bed. I cried out, and all the stuff on his shelf came crashing down. His parents rushed in to see me naked in his bed, holding my head.'
- Jocelyn*, 24

The Naked Chef
'I used to be a waitress and was attracted to a hot chef. Every time we saw each other, we'd flirt. One night, I had to stay late to clean, and we were the last ones there. While I was in the kitchen, he came in to put something away, and we kissed. Before I knew it,
we were naked, with him lying on the floor and me on top. I was pulling out all my best moves, and he cried, 'You are a naughty girl!' He reached behind me to smack my bum, and I accidentally let out a loud fart.'
- Mpho*, 34

Scare Package
'A while ago, I threw a sex-toy party for my friend and got stuck with all these zany sex toys. I didn't have time to throw everything away, so I stashed them in a box under my bed. Months later, I was hooking up with this guy I'd met through co-workers. Right before we had sex, I got up to use the bathroom, and he asked me where I kept the condoms. I told him they were underneath my bed, and when I came back out, he was holding a red dildo. I panicked and tried to explain, but he was totally freaked out. The next day, he told all of my work friends that I was a crazy sex fiend.'
- Shannon*, 31

*Names have been changed

<<

Mortifying Sex Moves (Part One)

Tue, 08 Nov 2011 12:00 +0200

Even the hottest seduction scheme can turn into a train wreck...

Paging Dr Mcweenie
'My boyfriend had just started his residency at a hospital and was exhausted from the long hours. One Sunday night I decided to surprise him when he came home by wearing nothing but risqué stiletto heels. After I got ready, I waited for him in our bedroom. When he saw me, he began ravaging me, and we fell into bed together. 'While we were going at it, I tried to flip him over so that I was on top, and I heard him scream. I had left my shoes on, and when I was turning over, I'd gouged him in the thigh with my sharp heel. He was bleeding, not to mention whining, and I spent the night playing nurse and bandaging him up.'
- Lebo*, 28

Wood You Speak Up?
'After going on a couple of dates with this cute body-builder from my gym, I brought him to my flat to have sex. While we were hooking up, he said that he loved girls who were vocal in bed, so I gave him a lot of verbal feedback. At one point, when my eyes were closed, I threw my head back and said, "I can't wait! I need you inside of me - now!" He suddenly stopped and said, "I am inside of you." I tried to claim that I was lost in the moment and wasn't aware of anything, but I could tell he was pretty offended.'
- Cassandra*, 33

Something's Fishy
'I'd been dating this guy for about a month when he invited me to his place. He was particularly proud of this fancy fish tank he had in his lounge. He said it had taken him days to set it up because everything had to be perfectly arranged for the tropical fish.
'When he slipped the cover off the top of the tank to feed them, I put my arms around him from behind, and we started making out. I ripped his clothes off, and then mine, and threw them aside, thinking I was being sexy. Midway through, I noticed he was staring at the fish in horror: My bright red g-string was at the bottom of the tank. He had never put the cover back on, and while I was stripping, I guess I had tossed my undies in. He had to use a little net to get them out, and one of the fish happened to die three days later.'
- Barbara*, 25

Snot Now!
'Even though I was getting over a nasty cold, my girlfriends convinced me to go out to this new club. When I was there, I met this really attractive guy, and we went to his place to hook up. While I was undressing him, I thought it would be sexy to lick along his happy trail. I was doing my thing when I had to sneeze. Before I could move my head away I let out a big snot rocket right on his perfectly chiselled abs. He looked disgusted and suggested that we just call it a night.'
- Mandy*, 30

Warning: Hot Merchandise
'My friend mentioned that her boyfriend loved it when she went down on him with a mint in her mouth, so I wanted to try it. Two nights later, right before I pleasured my man orally, I popped a couple of breath mints in my mouth. While I was down there, he screamed, "What the hell are you doing?" I stopped, and he ran out of the bedroom to take a shower. I had used extra-strength breath mints and they were too much; he said his member felt like it was burning.'
- Leah*, 21

*Names have been changed

>>>Go To Part Two

Why I'm a Wedding Girl

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 12:00 +0200

I recently went to a friend's wedding where I was reminded why I'm the biggest cheerleader for anything to do with looking pretty - and love.

I'm a sucker for weddings. I care about every little detail, and I don't mind listening to brides-to-be speaking about linen for hours - all of that stuff is right up my alley. So, when there was a wedding pending in my immediate circle, I knew for sure that fun times were ahead.

When people are in relationships they generally chill out a bit more. Maybe it's just us, but over time my man friend and I have often opted for a night in watching Come Dine With Me instead of dressing up and painting the town red. We don't go clubbing, and our dinner parties are generally laid-back, so there's no need for fancy outfits and done-up hair. The same goes for a lot of our friends.

As the build-up to the wedding ensued, all of a sudden outfits were discussed, shirts were bought and hairstylists, booked. I got to see my friends in a different light. I think some of us had forgotten just how beautiful and fun we can actually be.

When the bride walked down the aisle looking radiant and stunning, and the groom stood waiting for her looking handsome and dapper, we felt proud to be witnessing love and beauty blossom for the people we share our lives with.

Instead of jeans and tackies there were tailored suits and pretty dresses; instead of braaied meat and chakalaka there was gourmet food, and instead of doing the same old thing we do regularly, we were celebrating something special. We danced the night away in celebration of our friends, and in celebration of love. It was like seeing a more polished, sophisticated and grown-up version of ourselves.

That's what I love most about weddings: the sense of hope for the future, the air of happiness, and the constant stream of laughter and smiles that are sprinkled around the room - and the feeling that we are all connected and want the best for each other. So, because we sometimes forget, we all need to attend a wedding now and again to remind us that there is a lot more to us than meets the eye.

Uncool Confessions

Tue, 01 Nov 2011 12:00 +0200

Love, revenge... and the dude who ate dog-food for dinner.

Who Let The Dog Out?
'I live with my girlfriend and her golden retriever, Hannah. One night, I went out with the guys, and I promised my girlfriend I wouIdn't drink much. I put in an honest effort but ended up getting hammered. I came home starving, grabbed a can of tuna, and ate it straight from the can. It tasted a little funny, but I just figured it was a new brand. My girl came into the kitchen and I tried convincing her that I wasn't drunk, but she just shook her head and asked me why I was eating Hannah's food. She told me I had to sleep on the couch because my breath smelled so bad.'
- Kyle*, 28

Eye Got You!
'I was chubby in high school, and this jerk teased me relentlessly. Years later, I lost a lot of weight, and the jerk and I were hired at the same company. He didn't remember me, so I made it a point not to tell him who I was. One night, I was watching that scene in Wedding Crashers where the guy puts eye-drops in another guy's drink and it causes him to be on the toilet for hours. The next morning, I made a coffee run and added a ton of eye-drops to the jerk's cup. A few minutes into his coffee, he bolted for the bathroom and didn't come out until lunchtime.'
- Tyrone*, 25

Sleazy Rider
'After a month of working late hours, I felt guilty and decided to surprise my girlfriend at her flat. On the way over, I picked up a dozen roses. When I arrived, I decided to use my set of keys I so I could really surprise her. I opened the door and was shocked to see my girlfriend going at it with some guy on the couch. Neither of them noticed me, so I quietly walked out and keyed nasty words all over her new red convertible. When the alarm started going off, I left. She came running out, calling my name, but I just ignored her.'
- Jonathan*, 29

Commando In Chief
'I work in an office where everyone can see everyone else from their desk. We were remodelling, and there were jagged edges on all of the counters. One day, my pants caught on an unfinished corner, ripping them across the front. Everyone in the office turned to stare, and when I looked down, there was a huge hole on my crotch area. The worst part was that I had gone commando, so everyone saw my package.'
- Jared*, 32

He's a Dancing Queen...
'I live with three guys, and it's rare to have the house to myself. One afternoon, they went to the beach, and I stayed home. I started cleaning and turned on the radio. When ABBA came on, I was pumped. My mom used to listen to them, and I remembered all the words. I was clearing food off the coffee table and singing at the top of my lungs when my roommates walked in with these hot girls. I looked like a total fool, and the girls assumed I was into guys because of my music choice.'
- Thabo*, 24

*Names have been changed

Naughty Girls' Night

Thu, 27 Oct 2011 12:00 +0200

Last week I had a bachelorette party and a wedding lined up. That means lots of preparations, lots of excitement and loads of fun ahead. Since the boys had already had their share of fun doing whatever it is that men do when left to their own devices (a-hem), we decided that the girls also deserved a bit of a laugh.

Wine, snacks and some girl talk later, the entertainment for the evening arrived. No, it wasn't a man in a leopard print thong (let's be honest, there is nothing is sexy about a stranger thrusting their pelvis into your face). Our entertainment was 'bachelorette festivities', courtesy of one Lola Montez.

After filling out a form with sexual questions and comparing notes there was much laughter all round, as we discovered that some of us (who work for COSMO, naturally) knew quite a bit about sex.

The next round was the bride-to-be doing a striptease-inspired dance routine. With a soundtrack that would have made any strip-club owner proud, she started making her rounds. The initial bout of being shy soon dissolved thanks to wine and the giggles in the room.

That broke the ice for a game of 'never have I ever'. We thought we'd already learnt a lot about each other, but questions that include whether or not you've had threesome took that into a whole new league. Luckily, we'd all loosened up so much that oversharing seemed like the most natural step.

The sex toy demonstration was next. I don't know how many 'OMG's' I counted. Most of the sex toys managed to get some kind of reaction from the women, leaving many promising to go get their fix at Lola Montez. The Roger Rabbit, in all its splendour, was a favourite amongst the girls, making me wonder if boyfriends and husbands will soon be obsolete...

A few more drinks and giggles later, we all went home feeling a bit lighter in our spirits and promising to have many more naughty girls' nights in future.

A-Holes Anonymous (Part Two)

Tue, 25 Oct 2011 12:00 +0200

Real guys come clean on their dirtiest deeds.

Evil Revenge
'I'd been working and suffering abuse at a law firm for years so when I finally got a new job, I couldn't wait to give notice and tried to figure out the best way to do it. That afternoon, my evil boss asked me to fetch him a cup of sparkling water - we had interns around who were supposed to do that kind of thing - so I decided to make my exit sooner than expected. 'I left a letter of resignation and my building pass-key on my desk, then made a screensaver that flashed 'I resign' and locked the computer with a secret password. From what I hear, it took the off-site IT department more than a week to fix the thing because I had unplugged my machine from the network, and nobody thought to check that. The best part is that my co-workers found it hilarious, and regularly sneak onto my old computer and reset the screen saver.'
- Richard*, 31

Laughing Gas
'I signed up for a health class during my first month of university, and we did a section on yoga as part of it. I wasn't really into it and usually just tried to blend in, but the instructor was smoking hot, so that kept me interested. In the middle of one class, we were changing positions, and I accidentally let out an enormous fart. The whole class burst into laughter, and the teacher joined in as well. That was embarrassing, but I just laughed it off and forgot about it. Apparently, not everyone else could, because several months later, I was at a party and approached a girl to hit on her. When I introduced myself, she said, "I know who you are... you're that guy who farted during yoga."'
- Stephen*, 19

Pain In The Butt
'I'd been flirting with this girl in my bar-tending seminar for weeks, and everyone knew I was pretty into her. One day, I came in late because I'd been at a doctor's appointment, and when we struck up a conversation she asked about my late entrance. When I told her where I'd been, she said she didn't believe me and I'd probably come in late because I was hungover. 'We went back and forth for a while before I took out my prescription to show her the proof. She grabbed it, read it, and apparently recognised the medication because she looked grossed out and said, "Ewww, you have haemorrhoids?" Everyone looked at me while I slunk into my seat.'
- Nazir*, 25

Executive Assistant
'The high-maintenance girl I was dating was giving me the runaround, and I was sick of putting up with her BS, so I decided to give it right back to her. The next time she called my office, I had my new assistant interfere. When she asked to speak with me, he said, "I'm sorry, he's in a meeting." When she asked for my direct line, he said he wasn't permitted to give out that information. She kept asking how to reach me, and he kept making it impossible, until she flipped out and said she'd have him fired. When I called her back and she started complaining about my horrible assistant, I made up a sob story about all the hardships he had overcome - like that he was blind and his parents had died in a fire - and what an amazing guy he was. Then I listened as she ate her words.'
- Nick*, 28

*Names have been changed

Corporate Wednesdays

Thu, 20 Oct 2011 12:00 +0200

In the world of fashion there are many categories, but essentially it boils down to two types of people: those who dress up and those who don’t. I fall into the latter category and my colleagues, Norma and Kim, are in exactly the same boat. A normal day at work involves some variation of jeans, a simple top and pumps or flips flops. In our office (it must be said) we are the 'country cousins'. While many of the fabulous women we work alongside with wear stunning heels, dresses and other fashion-forward items, we are the ones who never quite managed to let go of our 'student look'.

Granted, we aren’t terrible - but on the scale of fashion-fabulous, we aren’t fairing very well, either. Which is why we recently came up with the (not very novel, but new for us) idea of dressing for success. Lots of research has been done around the issue of dressing the part, which means that our assumption that our brains were our only ticket to success might have been a bit naïve. Hence the idea of Corporate Wednesdays. Once a week we have to come to work well-styled: no flips-flops, pumps or anything that looks like it could be worn to a flea market or the beach. Initially this idea seemed great, and served as an excuse for us to shop for items that are more trendy than comfy. Each week, the fashion guru of our office, Tamara, judges our outfits and lets us know if we’re winning - or not.

What Corporate Wednesday has done for us is make us fall in love with fashion. It has to be said, there is something about dressing up that makes a girl feel fabulous. We’ve even started strutting lessons, because apparently when you look good there is an accompanying walk. It’s also been fun, more than anything else, to walk in every Wednesday and know that everyone went to a bit of effort. So, COSMO girls, what are your corporate fashion rules? Help us out - we want to work our way up the fashion ladder...

A-Holes Anonymous (Part One)

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 12:00 +0200

Real guys come clean on their dirtiest deeds.

Really Pissed
'I had a friend visiting for the weekend, and we went out and got crazy. Unfortunately, he got so wasted that I decided it would be best to send him home in a taxi. So we gave him my keys, drilled it into him to keep the door unlocked, and sent him on his way. Sure enough, we got home, and he had forgotten about the door. My girlfriend rummaged through her handbag for a set of spare keys, but I was so tired, I passed out in the hall. When she couldn't find the spares, she lay down next to me. We both woke up in the morning to find my elderly neighbours and my roommates peering down at us. Not only did we look like a mess, but during the course of the night, I had managed to pee myself. My girlfriend - whom I was spooning - and I reeked of urine.'
- John*, 25

Hotties For Hire
'I was on a trip with a bunch of my friends. One night we were out at a club, and this girl started chatting me up. We were really hitting it off, and I was sure that she'd come back to my place. When she went to the bathroom I told my friends how I was totally going to score with this awesome girl. They laughed in my face, and one said, "Sure you'll score with her... if you can afford her." I asked what he meant by that, and all my friends burst into more laughter. Then one of them said, "Dude, she's a prostitute - of course you're going to hit it off with her." Apparently, my friends had all noticed her making the rounds and trying to proposition guys in the club. My "game" wasn't as hot as I thought it was.'
- Ziyaad*, 21

Undie Blunder
'I lost a bet and had to wear a pair of pink tightie-whitey underwear my friend had picked out. He also got to decide the night I had to wear them. So, one Saturday, I sported the undies when we headed out to meet more friends. I thought it would just be a boys' night but, out of nowhere, this hot girl started flirting with me, and we went home together. We started making out and removing each other's clothing. But when she unbuttoned my pants, she stopped. 'Uhhh, what's going on?' she asked, nodding toward my drawers. I told her it was a joke, but the mood was ruined. She put on her top and left.'
- Mark*, 23

Pants-Off Standoff
'After watching a rugby game and having some beers with my buddies, I was pretty tipsy. We went out to look for a place to get some food and, for some reason, wound up at an upmarket restaurant. When we walked in and inquired about getting a table, the hostess snobbily informed me that I wouldn't be allowed in due to their dress code. Then he pointed to a sign that read No Jeans Allowed. So, in accordance with his rules, I removed my pants and stood in my boxers, demanding to be seated. I was promptly removed from the restaurant and am no longer allowed inside.'
-Thabo*, 24

Total Nut Job
'My girl's parents took us out to dinner at a fancy French restaurant. The entire menu was in French, and I don't speak a word of the language, so I just pointed to something on the menu and told the waiter I'd have that. Dinner arrived, and I went in for a bite. Suddenly, my throat started closing up, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. My gasping made such a spectacle that my girlfriend's parents stopped eating, and the waiter ran over. In between coughs, I answered the waiter's questions about my allergies. 'Only some nuts,' I said. 'But the menu says it has walnuts,' he responded. I looked like such an idiot in front of my girlfriend's family, not to mention the fact that we had to rush out to get allergy medication.'
- Brian*, 26

*Names have been changed

BlackBerry Woes

Thu, 13 Oct 2011 12:00 +0200

Life in the modern world is very different from what it used to be even just a decade ago. Technology has become the friend that's always by our side offering comfort, companionship and excitement. I've never thought of myself as a gadget girl, as my technological needs are very basic: I need to be able to communicate with my friends and family, listen to music, watch TV and have a microwave at my disposal.

So it came as a big surprise that my BlackBerry being out of service would render me emotional. Day one wasn't so bad - a bit irritating, but bearable. I remembered the joys of SMSing again and I moved on with my day. By day two, I woke up wanting to check BBM statuses. When I could see nothing, I felt a mild sense of panic wash over me - what are my friends doing? Am I missing out on any important news? This was obviously crazy because, to date, I have never received any valuable information through BBM's status updates.

The gap showed up again when I was having my morning coffee. All of a sudden, I had no new tweets to scroll through while letting my body fully wake up. What did I do before BlackBerry while drinking my morning coffee? I've been giving it a lot of thought to this, and I still have no answer.

But the worst part of this whole BlackBerry trauma hit me when I was shopping. I have a wedding to attend soon and was on the search for the perfect dress. Usually when I go on this type of mission, I have my BlackBerry close by, ready to take pictures and BBM my friends pictures so that I can get their opinion. My lapse in memory led to me taking pictures that I couldn't send, and a whole lot of uncertainty. The thing with friends helping you shop for a dress is that you have much better odds of finding the right one. I left the shop wondering if my purchase was more freakum than anything else. Without the advice of my sisters, I felt lost.

As yet another day went by without my trusted BlackBerry, I'm happy to note that I felt less panicky and more focused. I had no one to chat to constantly, I'm wasn't checking Twitter and BBM statuses - all of a sudden it started to seem kind of narcissistic and childish. Maybe it's time I go back to my 5110; you know, the one with the colourful faces... How bad can it be, really?

Guy Gaffe (Part Two)

Tue, 11 Oct 2011 12:00 +0200

Real boys reveal some agonisingly awful antics.

'Surprise' Party
During my university holidays, I went to visit my older sister. Her boss at her new job had invited her to a party he was hosting, so I went with her. I proceeded to drink like a student and soon felt sick. I knew I'd vomit any minute, so I told my sister I'd be back and went in search of a bathroom. 'I made it to the master bedroom but then couldn't hold it in anymore. l didn't want to make a mess, so l grabbed a purse lying on the bed and barfed into it. Then l went back to the party and pretended like nothing had happened. The following Monday, my sister called me, livid. Her boss had complained that someone had thrown up into his girlfriend's purse at the party. The minute he'd said it, my sister knew exactly who he was talking about. I offered to pay for a new bag, but she said l couldn't afford it... and more importantly, she didn't want to fess up to having brought the offending guest.'
- John*, 20

Chick Magnet
'I had just moved to a new city and didn't know too many girls. My roommates and I were tired of trying to meet women at bars, so we schemed up a way to make them come to us. Our flat had an open room that we used for storage. So I posted an ad online looking for a female roommate and listed an unbelievably reasonable price for the room. Tons of girls came by to look at it, and each time, we'd ask for their number in order to get back to them about the space. Then we would call and tell them that unfortunately, the room had actually gone to someone else... but we thought, they were really cool and would love to hang out. It worked every time.'
- Nevin*, 24

Awkward Ambush
'After a marathon study session in the library, I was heading back to my flat and saw my girlfriend walking about 50 metres in front of me. Happy to see her, I ran up behind her, grabbed her waist, and whispered something naughty in her ear. When the woman started screaming, I realised it wasn't my girlfriend at all. She turned around, and l came face to face with one of my girlfriend's closest friends. Appalled, she ran off before l could explain, and my girlfriend was pissed when she heard about the mix-up.'
- Roy*, 20

Wedding Crasher
'I had to attend a wedding in Durban. I lost the invitation, but remembered the name of the hotel and called to confirm they were hosting the Taylor wedding and book a room. I arrived too late to attend the ceremony, so I went straight to the reception. I didn't recognise anyone, but figured they were the groom's extended family. Since there weren't assigned seats, I plopped down at a table and made conversation with random people. But when the bride and groom entered the room, I realised I was at the wrong wedding! I rushed to the front desk, where the clerk informed me that there were two Taylor weddings at different hotel branches that weekend. 'I went back to get my coat just as they were making a toast to whoever had travelled the farthest to be there. Since the people I'd been chatting with knew where I was from, they yelled that I was the winner and made me say a few words. I got up to the mike and said, 'l'm not gonna lie .... l'm at the wrong wedding.' The whole room erupted with laughter. Too bad it was true!'
- Matt*, 33

*Names have been changed

Guy Gaffe (Part One)

Tue, 04 Oct 2011 12:00 +0200

Real boys reveal some agonisingly awful antics.

Driven To Stupidity
'The day after I bought my first car with electric windows, a bakkie with two beautiful girls inside pulled up to my left. The one in the passenger's seat looked over, and we exchanged smiles. She rolled down her window, and I thought I'd do the same and ask for her number. I tried to do it suavely by continuing to look straight ahead, but when I turned to put my head out the window, I smacked my face against it. I saw the girls laughing and realised that I'd put the back window down instead. I was so embarrassed, I went straight through the red robot.'
- Ben*, 25

Flash Dancer
'During a party, I hit the dance floor and started getting down with this hot girl. She was grinding on me, and I was becoming uncontrollably horny. I could feel myself getting a hard-on, so I tucked my member between my belt and my stomach to conceal it better in my pants. We continued dancing, but when I raised my arms, one of my buddies yelled, 'Look at what's going on in Brad's pants!' Everyone in the room turned around. My shirt had ridden up, and they all could see my soldier peeking out over my waistband. The girl made a face and high-tailed it out of there.'
- Brad*, 22

Ex and The City
'When I left my hometown for a job, my girlfriend and I dated long-distance for a while before she decided to move to my city. The plan was that she would go to university and we would live together. About a week before she came, my friends were out at a bar back home and called me to say they saw my girlfriend making out with some other dude. I was infuriated and I wanted to get back at her, so I didn't mention anything and let her register for classes and move. 'When she showed up at the apartment we were supposed to share, I met her with all my stuff packed up. I informed her that I was on my way out and would be returning to a job in my hometown. She was shocked, but since she was already registered, she had to stay in the new place by herself and scramble to find a roommate.'
- Jan*, 26

She's Just Not That Into You
'I was casually hooking up with this girl and I could tell she wanted things to get more serious, but I had zero interest in taking it to the next level. After she left my flat one day, l started talking with my roommates about how l needed to break things off with her. l listed all the reasons l wasn't that into her, and my roommates chimed in with more comments about why they thought she wasn't the girl for me. 'Later that evening, I went over to her place and told her we needed to talk. Before l could say anything further, she cut me off and said, 'I know.' Glaring, she told me that she had been standing outside my flat the entire time I'd been speaking with my roommates and heard the whole conversation in which we'd hated on her. She beat me to it and dumped me on the spot.'
- Kabir*, 24

Creepy Co-worker
'I always kid around with one of my female coworkers that I liked her predecessor way more than I like her. So one day, when the woman she had replaced was back in the office to say hello, I jokingly tried to make my co-worker feel bad by throwing a welcome-back party for the other woman. I ordered a cake, put up decorations, and sent an office-wide e-mail inviting everyone to a gathering that would celebrate her visit. But my timing was off - my coworker was actually in a meeting all afternoon, so she didn't even witness the party. Instead, it just looked like I was creepily obsessed with this woman, so she and my co-workers were really uncomfortable during the whole thing. Total backfire.'
- Grant*, 29

*Names had been changed

No Way, Dude!

Tue, 27 Sep 2011 12:00 +0200

Major fail - real boys share their most cringe-worthy moments.

What's My Line?
'I'm the singer in a local band, and we had an opportunity to play at a venue where lots of record people recruit talent. I couldn't wait to tell my girlfriend because it was one of her favourite places. Before I could break the news, she told me she was leaving me for another guy. I was devastated, but when it came time to perform, I tried to pull it together. I got on stage and was about to sing when I looked into the crowd and saw my ex making out with her new guy. I froze and forgot all the lyrics. My band stopped playing, and everyone was staring at me.'
- Thabo*, 29

Bye-Bye, Brown-Noser
'My co-worker is always sucking up to our boss, and it's clear that he's the favourite. When our boss went out of town for a week, he was entrusted with watering the office plants. Our boss is strangely obsessed with his plants and only waters them with expensive bottled water. One night after my co-worker left, I snuck into the secretary's desk drawer, stole her nail polish remover, and poured it onto our boss's plants. When our boss returned, his plants were shriveled and brown. After that, my co-worker no longer received preferential treatment.'
- Nazir*, 31

Feeling The Heat
'At university, I invited a girl over to my room in res. I lit some candles, even though they weren't allowed, and eventually we started hooking up. Neither of us had shirts on when the fire alarm started going off. I looked over and saw that one of the candles was smoking big-time. The door to my room burst open, and three people came running in, screaming at us to evacuate. When they saw us and the smoking candle, they told us to get dressed and come out into the hallway. After that, we were put on hallway clean-up for a month.'
- Sean*, 23

How Nude!
'I was at a party thrown by a girl my friend knew. We hit it off and started making out. When everyone began cheering us on, we went to her room for some privacy. We hooked up, and when I woke up the next morning, my clothes weren't there. I called my friend to see if he knew where my stuff was, and he just laughed. My friends had sneaked into the room and stolen all of my clothes. I begged them to come back, but they refused. I ended up having to borrow stuff from the girl. She drove me home, and I only had to run from her car to my front door, but my neighbours saw me in velour pants and a tiny shirt.'
- Lucas*, 21

Will You Marry... Nah
'I went to a bar with my girlfriend and friends. In a drunken stupor, I turned to my girl and joked, 'Wanna marry me?' She screamed yes. I didn't really want to propose, but she was excited, so I went with it. Later, she left to drive a friend home. My girl's hot cousin was there, and we ended up making out. A few weeks later, my girlfriend found out and dumped me. I guess it's not cool to kiss someone's cousin the same night you propose.'
- Maurice*, 25

Alley Rat
'One night, I was walking home from a bar and had to pee. I was alone, so I stopped in an alley and relieved myself. Being drunk made me a little sloppy as I was peeing. Then a bright light was flashed on me. I couldn't see what was going on, but heard someone telling me to zip my pants. When my eyes adjusted, I saw it was my girlfriend's father. He's a police officer and was on the night shift. He told me that public urination was against the law, but that he would let it slide this time since I was a nice kid. I barely looked at him before I ran away.'
- Jared*, 26

*Names have been changed

Shoe-d He Stay Or Shoe-d He Go?

Thu, 22 Sep 2011 12:00 +0200

Our obsession with shoes is legendary, albeit inexplicable. But how do you feel about guys and their shoes? We asked our legion of Facebook followers: ‘Do you care what shoes your guy wears? Or could you make out with a man in Crocs?’

I’m a shoe girl. I guess, to some extent, we all are. Of course there are degrees of shoe-craziness: some will budget for shoes ahead of electricity and food. Some of us have even been kicked out of wherever we’re living as a result of splurging on a new pair of Jimmy Choos instead of paying rent.

But when asked about our feelings on guys and their shoes, we’re less certain of where we stand. Facing a dizzying array of Nine West heels, we know exactly how we feel, but in the unknown territory of men’s footwear, we may need some help. And with an army of more than 30 000 ‘likes’ from fun, fearless females, COSMO asked the question on Facebook – and this is what we found…

THE FIRST JUDGE IS THE DEEPEST
First impressions can be the difference between a second date and a cold shoulder. When all we have is the chance to look someone up and down, shoes can be a very useful guide! ‘That’s the first thing I look at when being approached by a guy,’ says Lebohang Mashwabathi, 24, a student from Viljoenskroon.

‘If eyes are the windows to the soul, shoes are the base of the personality,’ agrees Avanthi Avi Moodliar, 22, a postgraduate student from Cape Town. The uber-sexual man in spotless white pointed shoes might just be a player who spends more time than you do getting ready every morning. And it doesn’t stop at aesthetics – the state of the shoes can say a lot about a man, too. A long-haired hottie in sneakers that look like they haven’t been cleaned in decades is possibly the kind of beach bum who will be living with his parents until his late thirties. As Lorene du Plessis, 23, a hotel receptionist intern from Johannesburg says, ‘Guys should be considerate of the shoes they wear, as we women are. A man who looks good will make his partner proud.’ But beware the man who is more fashionable than you are – he may just be more into guys than you are.

And a man in Crocs? The unanimous verdict appears to be that you should run away as fast as your Louboutins can carry you!

WELL-HEELED
But don’t be too quick to turn a man down purely because of his shoes. A man who is confident in what he’s wearing is much more appealing than a man who spends hours agonising over shoes. A man who is well groomed but not obsessively so; a laid-back guy but not a crusty hippie. It’s about how he carries himself – if he feels good, he will look good.

As Vanessa Hammond, 28, an accountant from Johannesburg insists: ‘As long as he’s a good kisser, he can wear anything he wants.’ Linda Greeff, 23, a somatologist from Cape Town tells us that she made it clear to her boyfriend from day one that she despises Crocs. And what did he do? He got himself a pair! Five years later, they’re still together – but she insists she won’t be seen with him if he ever wears them in public.

You may find a man in modest, no-name sneakers who makes you melt with one kiss. You may find your future husband in a pair of flip-flops. And luckily men can be trained - one shopping trip with you might be all it takes. But no-one is budging on the Crocs…

Holy Moly! (Part Two)

Tue, 20 Sep 2011 12:00 +0200

Real boys blabber about their blunders.

Risque Business
'I work for an investment firm, and whenever bankers from our foreign branches are in town, it's my job to play host and take them out. When people from our London office visited, we all went out after work. I started chatting up one of the women I was entertaining and we totally hit it off. After a few too many drinks, we started making out in front of everyone. The next morning, the whole office was talking about my very public encounter. At the end of the day, my boss called me into his office and yelled at me about my lack of respect. Apparently, the woman I'd made out with is his goddaughter, and he wasn't too happy about our hookup.'
- John*, 25

Foul Ball
'I'm a soccer player, so when I was looking at universities, I'd often arrange to meet with the coaches. When I visited my first-choice university, I really wanted to make a good impression and asked to practice with the team. Since I'd heard the coach was pretty tough, I went all out, trying to outrun and outplay the other guys. I could tell the teammates thought I was being a suck up, so at the end of practice, I tried to lighten up. All the players were messing around with each other, so I picked up a ball and launched it at one guy. I figured he'd grab it, but instead, he ducked and the ball hit the coach - who was standing behind him - smack in the face. I got ripped off in front of everyone and didn't get asked to play for the team.'
- Thabo*, 19

Loser In Translation
'During my first year at university, I studied overseas in Rome. I didn't speak any Italian, so I arranged to stay with a host family to learn the language. On the day that I arrived, they had arranged this huge feast with all of their neighbours and extended family. As soon as we sat down to eat, I realised the main course was meatballs. When I tried to explain that I was a vegetarian, they misunderstood and served me more. I managed to hide about five meatballs in my napkin, and before the dessert course, I ran to the bathroom to dispose of the meat in the toilet. When the water started overflowing, I ran out to explain subtly to my host mom what had happened. She followed me to the bathroom and started screaming. All of the guests came to see what was going on and, three months later, they were still telling the story.'
- Jared*, 22

Ivy Be-leaguered
'My friends and I rented a beach house that was right next door to a bunch of cute girls. I immediately hit it off with one of them, but after a few days, my friend announced that he wanted to get with her. That night we all went out, and I saw the two of them hooking up. I was so pissed off that I decided to get even. While they were still at the bar, I went back to our house, grabbed a plastic bag, and headed outside. I covered my arm with the plastic bag, then grabbed handfuls of the poison ivy we'd been warned about when we arrived. Then I went to my friend's bedroom and rubbed the plant all over his sheets. I hid the evidence and went back to my room. The girl must have spent the night because by the next afternoon, they were both covered in a rash. They were miserable for the rest of the week.' - Chris*, 29

Saved By The Cell
'I'd been trying to get with this girl for a while. So when I ran into her at a party, I finally came clean and told her I really liked her. She seemed very uncomfortable and made up an excuse about how she had to go find her friend and walked away. It was obvious I didn't have a shot, so when another girl starting flirting with me and then invited me to her res, I went along. When we arrived at her room, I got a SMS from the girl I liked saying she was sorry for acting so strange, but it was only because she liked me too, and she was still at the party looking for me. I told the other girl I had to use the bathroom, which was down the hall. But instead, I snuck out of the building and went back to the party to find my first choice.'
- Sean*, 20

*Names have been changed

Man Flu

Thu, 15 Sep 2011 12:00 +0200

I've been merrily celebrating the end of winter for the past few weeks. My electric blankets and coats are safely packed away, and are not being missed at all. Little did I know that two weeks into glorious spring, something I associate with winter would make a comeback into my life – man flu.

I woke up yesterday in a great mood and ready to take on the world. Just as I was about to don my workout gear, I heard a groan coming from the bed. My optimism led me to believe that my man friend was merely turning in his sleep, but what followed was a warning that man flu was about to visit my beautiful new home. 'Babe, I'm sick,' was the next sentence I heard, followed by sniffles and more groans. Even though I knew what it was, I asked, 'What's wrong, lover?' sounding as caring and concerned as I could. 'I don't know,' he grumbled.

Every girl who has ever had a boyfriend, brother or father knows about man flu. It's the flu that surpasses every other ailment known to humankind. It's the flu your doctor doesn't know how to deal with. It's the king of all flus, making swine flu look about as intimidating as a kitten. During episodes of this dreadfull illness men are incapable of doing much. Sadly for my boyfriend, man flu happened to kick in on the same day that the domestic helper comes in. It took 15 minutes of patient cajoling on my part to get him out of bed so that I could remove the sheets. The groans were getting louder, and the agony was obviously too much for any human being to bear – how could I not understand?

As I was about to walk out the house, I did the thing that no self-respecting woman should do when her man has man flu: I asked if he needed anything. The list was long…. very long. Twenty minutes later I left the house. The man on my bed still had the sad man-flu-face on, but now he was armed with head phones, medication and clean sheets – plus, a host of other things that his man flu nurse had arranged.

When I got home, he looked better but apparently still had the inability to do very much. He was starving because one of the symptoms of man flu is that grown men forget how to feed themselves, even in a house full of food. The man flu hadn't taken away his desire to know exactly what he wanted to eat, however. After dinner and more nursing, I was exhausted - all I wanted was a hot bath and some sleep. The man, on the other hand, was wide awake and keen to watch the soccer match on telly. Again, man flu: one. Zama: nought.

As we speak, I'm getting the sniffles, so for once I'm going to will my regular girl flu to morph into man flu and see just how much fun one person can have while sick and in bed (alone). While I don't mind taking care of my man friend (because he does the same for me) I want to cure man flu once and for all. It will be my gift to womankind. You can thank me later.

Holy Moly! (Part One)

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 12:00 +0200

Real boys blabber about their blunders.

Rub-a-Dub Flub
'When my girlfriend's parents decided to go away for the weekend and leave her home alone, we were psyched to take full advantage of the empty house. Early Saturday morning, I went to her place and, after checking that there was no car in the garage, walked in and headed upstairs. When I heard the shower running, I got the idea to give my girlfriend a wet 'n' wild surprise. I stripped off all of my clothes, quietly entered the bathroom, and slid open the shower curtain. But instead of seeing my girl, I found myself face-to-face with her mother. Turns out, she'd stayed behind since she wasn't feeling well. We both screamed, and I ran out. My girlfriend laughed it off, but it was weeks before I went back to her house.'
- Andrew*, 23

Randy Room Raider
'My roommate and I had always gotten along really well - until he started dating this new girl. She was so annoying, and when he started acting more and more like her, I knew something had to be done. So when they went away one weekend, I bought a girl's G-string and stuck it in his bed. The night they came back, they went to his room, and an hour later, I heard yelling, and then she stormed out. That was the last we saw of the girl, and I even convinced my friend that she had planted the goods as an excuse to break up with him.'
- Matt*, 26

Surf Upchuck
'I work at a local politician's office, and one day she arranged a staff harbour cruise. I hadn't been on a boat in years, but I figured it would be fun. An hour into the cruise, I started feeling ill and excused myself to go to the bathroom. I didn't make it in time, and I threw up all over my tux in front of my co-workers. I didn't have a change of clothes, so I reeked for the rest of the night. And as if that wasn't bad enough, the next day my story was posted on a political blog for everyone to read about.'
- Habib*, 31

Booty Camp
'During the summer holidays, I work at a camp. I was dating another camp counsellor, and when we finally had a day off together, we took advantage of the free time. After breakfast, the campers went to the pool for swimming lessons, and my girlfriend and I went to her cabin and jumped into bed. Before long, we were totally naked, and she told me to grab a condom from her bag. As I was walking across the cabin, a dozen 11-year-old girls came barging in. It had started to rain, so swimming lessons had been cut short. They all screamed and ran out. Soon the whole camp found out, and all the girls were calling me 'hairy monster.'
- Dean*, 22

Safe and Sorry
'When my girlfriend left for a two-month job-training trip, I quickly became sexually frustrated, so I started fooling around with another girl. Every time my hook-up buddy came over - which was often - I'd run to the supermarket below my flat and buy condoms. When my girlfriend returned, I ended it with the other woman. A week later, my girl and I went to the supermarket, and when the cashier saw me, he grabbed a pack of condoms and said, 'For my best customer! Why haven't you been in lately?' My girlfriend stormed out and broke up with me later that day.'
- Frank*, 27

*Names have been changed

The Reunion

Thu, 08 Sep 2011 12:00 +0200

Last week I woke up in a state of panic. It was two days until my 10-year high school reunion. Ten years? How did I leave school a decade ago? Me of young skin and a (fairly) in shape body? Surely 10-year reunions are for older people who are almost over the hill - and surely I am not that person? I sat in bed wondering what had happened to all the time; the time they told me was mine for the taking on the day of our valedictory - a full decade ago.

My initial reaction was to ask the fashion department to make me look stunning. Let's face it, who wants to see old schoolmates while looking anything less than perfect? After hours of planning and going crazy, I remembered: 10 years ago I was a laidback, easygoing, cool girl who got along with most people in my standard (yes standard, not grade). So why, 10 years later, was I being a neurotic and annoying version of myself?

Sanity prevailed, and I called off the search for the most stunning outfit in the universe. I decided to come as myself, just as I am. No appointments with makeup people and outfits from shops I can't afford. I simply looked through my closet, put something on and went as Zama circa 2011.09.07.

Going back to my old school was very emotional, and seeing the faces that will forever colour my high school days even more so. Lots of hugs, kisses and 'Oh my gosh's' were shared. Finding out two of the naughtiest guys in my class were now teachers is one of the things that warmed my heart - knowing that we'd all come so far, in spite of who we were or weren't back then.

Amongst my classmates were parents, divorcees, newly-engaged couples, housewives and career-women. Everyone had stories to share, and all of us sported a scar or two from the decade gone by. Yet there we were, happy and celebrating. It was as though we made up the world - so many different stories and so many different callings, yet all of us doing our bit to contribute to the world in the best way we know how. I realised that, as much as my old friends and I have changed over the last decade, we were still the same; we had the same feeling of ease around each other, and a bond that comes from having spent years together, sharing experiences that no one else outside the group can really 'get'. We lost two of our soldiers along the way, and that sad reality reminded us just how much life had changed.

Even though I hadn't seen some of those familiar faces in ten years, there was a real feeling of camaraderie about the evening. There was no need for pretences because we all knew each other before we forged our adult lives. There is something about reminiscing about Geography class and detention that quickly brings you back to earth! I left there feeling grateful for how my life has turned out so far, and even more grateful that I'd survived the last decade - with my health and sanity in check.

I look forward to the next 10 years. Here's to the class of De La Salle 2001.

Big Boy Boo Boos (Part Two)

Tue, 06 Sep 2011 12:00 +0200

And the cringe award goes to...

Fitness-Class Flop
'I recently joined a gym near my flat. One of the instructors is really hot, so one day I signed up for her spinning class, thinking I'd finally get a chance to talk to her. I showed up for the class early to get a bike up front and was the only guy in a room full of women. Halfway through, I stood up on the bike to show her how strong I was. The movement of the wheels caught me off guard, and I was thrown forward over the handlebars. I got really bruised and basically crawled out of the room. But it was all worth it, because after class, the instructor gave me her number.'
- Jake*, 31

Hose the Boss?
'All through university, I worked for a catering company. The work was tough, and my boss was a total jerk. He always made us stay late and yelled at us in front of guests. I hated working for him, but I really needed the money. A couple of weeks before graduation, we catered a party for a bunch of the town's socialites, which was the biggest event the company had ever done. While my boss was talking with the guests, I snuck back into the kitchen and mixed laxatives into the mashed potatoes. By the dessert course, everyone was lining up at the bathroom. My boss had to deal with complaints about it for the next month, and I couldn't help but smile every time l heard him apologising like a wuss over the phone.'
- Peter*, 22

Rah! Rah! Rogue
'I'm a reserve on my varsity rugby team, and I hardly ever get to play. At our biggest home game of the year, the coach finally decided to put me in. I jumped up from the bench, excited to show off my skills to the fans. But when I pulled off my tracksuit pants the crowd went silent. Since I almost never play in the games, I had forgotten to put on my shorts underneath. The whole school got a glimpse of me in my tightie-whities.'
- Cameron*, 21

Lie, Cheat and Squeal
'Last semester, I took an English seminar with my roommate, Chris. On the first day of class we walked into the lecture hall and right away noticed this really hot girl. Chris is a bit of a player, and he didn't waste any time getting to know her. Before long, I started really liking her, but by then, Chris was flirting with her during every class. I knew he was only interested in her for one reason, so I decided that this time, I'd win the girl. After an exam, I went to the professor's office and left an anonymous note in his mailbox, saying that I had seen Chris cheating. He was kicked out of the class, and I finally got to ask the girl out.'
- Kyle*, 21

Snake On a Plane
'I live in Canada and my family is in Joburg so the flight home is really long. Last time I flew back, I noticed there were empty seats in first class, so I asked one of the flight attendants for a free upgrade. She hesitated, so l told her I was a doctor and needed to be well-rested since I was scheduled for surgery the next day. She immediately led me to first class, seated me next to a hot woman, and said, 'Here you go, doctor.' For the next hour, I flirted with the woman, impressing her with stories from the ER. Then all of a sudden, a flight attendant ran up and said they needed my help because a pregnant woman was having contractions. I totally froze and had to fess up. The crew moved me back to coach and told me I was no longer welcome on the airline.'
- Dane*, 32

*Names have been changed

Hello Spring

Wed, 31 Aug 2011 12:00 +0200

My favourite season, spring, is knocking on the door. Slowly but surely we've started swapping jerseys and coats for lighter tops and shorter bottoms. I, for one, am eager to say goodbye to winter, so I haven't been holding back. For me, spring not only represents a change in the weather; I've always seen it as a time to start anew in many areas of life.

This year, spring starts on the same day that I move into what I have named 'The Love Shack.' This is a place that has been giving me sleepless nights and many hours spent on Gumtree, ogling what seemed like millions of properties. House-hunting, as I was reminded, is no joke - but ten apartments, three estate agents and a few teary sessions later, I finally found the love shack. While I managed to fight off a few other couples that were also hoping to call this awesome space their home, the process – which happened against a backdrop of a freezing Jozi winter - left me feeling emotionally depleted.

This winter has been emotionally heavy, with too many tears being shed alongside too many glasses of red wine consumed in the name of sadness and stress. I didn't like it, and I don't think anyone else did either. So, when the sun showed the first sign of coming out I was already looking to buy shorts and summer accessories. Joburg weather, erratic as it may be, has been very pleasant over the last few days, and I'm already donning summer dresses, deliberately ignoring the fact that there may still be more than one last cold front to live through.

Now, with my boxes packed and my new love shack waiting patiently for me to make it home, I can't wait to feel cheery and smiley again. So, while we say goodbye to winter, the visitor that just wouldn't leave, I suggest you pack up any old issues that have been lurking - whether it's friends who aren't supportive or boyfriends that need to get the boot, this is the time to clean out your emotional and mental closet.

Here's to a glorious (and happy) spring!

Big Boy Boo Boos (Part One)

Tue, 16 Aug 2011 12:00 +0200

And the cringe award goes to...

Birthday-Boy Boob
'Last year I wanted to organise something for my birthday, but my friends blew me off, and my parents said they already had plans. My girlfriend felt bad so she took me out to dinner. My mom had told me to be back by 9pm to feed the dog, so after eating, my girl and I headed to my house and started kissing in the car. By the time we got inside, both of our shirts were off. Wanting to take advantage of the empty house, I led her to the kitchen, and we lay down on the floor. Just then the lights came on, and we heard 'Surprise!' My parents had organised a surprise party with all of my friends, but hadn't told my girlfriend since she can't keep a secret.'
- Alex*, 23

Dump 'n' Drive
'I'd been dating this girl for a month when I started to lose interest. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I said I wasn't ready for a relationship. That night, I ended up at the same party as her. I managed to avoid her and ended up meeting this hot girl. Later on, the girl and I left the party together, but when we got to her car, we realised we were both too drunk to drive. So she went inside to see if her cousin could drive, and I waited in the backseat. You can imagine my surprise when the girl I was "dating" got behind the wheel. As soon as I realised they were cousins, I knew I was going home alone.'
- James*, 23

Logging 0-vertime
'My company has a no-dating policy amongst co-workers so my girlfriend, who's my boss's secretary, and I have kept our relationship on the DL. One day, my girlfriend and I were working late, and at around 9pm we realised we had the office to ourselves. She told me to meet her in the ladies' room, and soon, we were getting it on in a cubicle. Once we finished, we opened the door to the bathroom and ran smack into my boss in the hall. She had come back for a file she'd forgotten. Luckily, we weren't fired, and she told us that as long as we stayed out of the public restrooms that we could continue seeing each other.'
- Will*, 31

Señor Slimeball
'Last winter, my girlfriend invited me on her family holiday. Her parents had rented a house, and I was psyched that they were letting us stay in the same room. One night after we did the deed, I realised there was no bin to put the condom in. I didn't want to toss it in the bathroom since we were sharing it with her parents, so I shoved the used condom in a dirty sock on the floor, thinking l would deal with it later. The next day, my girlfriend's mom pulled my girlfriend aside to talk. Earlier, she'd decided to do our laundry and got my slimy surprise.'
- Lucas*, 29

Naked Truth
'My girlfriend lives far away, so we're always looking for ways to make the time apart easier. One day, I got the idea to take a photo of myself with my camera phone and send it to her cell. I took off my shirt, snapped a picture, and sent it. I got a SMS back saying she wanted to see more. So I sent another of me just in my boxers. She wrote back asking me to take it all off. I obliged and sent a photo of myself completely naked. The next day, my girlfriend called me, laughing hysterically. Turns out, her little brother had taken her phone, and he was the one SMSing me.'
- Glenn*, 20

He's All Wet
'Just before the summer holidays, my res hosts a huge party, and we invite all the hottest girls from our year. During a game of pool, I noticed a girl eyeing me. We started flirting, and when she invited me to her place, I didn't hesitate. We got in her bed, but before long we both passed out. I must have been really drunk because later on I woke up and realised I had wet the bed. The girl was still sleeping so I left, went back to the party, changed my clothes, and told everyone she had wet the bed. My res mates still laugh about the story, and nobody knows what really happened.'
-Tom*, 23

*Names have been changed

Guilty as Charged (Part Two)

Tue, 26 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200

Men dish on their most mortifying moments.

Morning-After Misery
'I work at an advertising firm, and the office environment is really stressful. I never go out during the week, but my boss was planning on taking the Friday before a long weekend off, so I figured I could show up late. I went on a bar crawl the night before and didn't roll out of bed until 10am on Friday morning, feeling totally hungover. 'When I walked into the office, everyone was in the conference room. A client had scheduled a meeting at the last minute, so my boss cancelled his time off. He waved me in, and as soon as I sat down, l started to feel sick. I stood up to go to the bathroom, but it was too late - I threw up right on the conference table.'
- Robert*, 25

What a Putt Head
'My girlfriend's dad is really protective of her, and he has always been kind of a jerk to me. After a year of dating his daughter, he invited me to spend the day golfing with him, and I couldn't say no. My girlfriend kept stressing how important it was to make a good impression on him, so by the time our golf date rolled around, I was pretty nervous. On the first hole, I swung my club back. My palms must have been really sweaty, because it flew out of my hands. It hit my girlfriend's dad in the face, and his nose started gushing blood. I brought him to the hospital, where he had to get three stitches on his lip. I apologised profusely, but the scar on his face is a lasting reminder of my mess up.'
- Oliver*, 27

You Got Served!
'My friend applied for a manager position at a restaurant and used me as a personal reference. A few days later, I discovered that he had taken my ex out on a couple of dates. I was pissed, but instead of confronting him, I waited until I got a call from the restaurant. I told the interviewer that he was a great guy, especially now that he was in anger management, and as long as he didn't have to deal with women, his anger shouIdn't be a problem. When my friend called later to say he didn't get the job, I just apologised and told him that if he ever needed another reference, I'd be more than happy to help out.'
- Keegan*, 28

Dial-a-Dummy
'I was at a bar when I saw this gorgeous woman. After a few drinks, I got up the courage to make a move. I found a piece of paper in my wallet, wrote my number on it, then walked over. I introduced myself and told her that I'd love to take her out. To my surprise, she said yes, so I gave her the paper with my number. She took one look at it, said, "On second thought, I think not," and handed the piece of paper back to me before walking away. I looked at it and realised I had written my number on the back of my little brother's prescription for oral herpes medication, which I was supposed to pick up the next day.'
-Tom*, 30

*Names have been changed

Guilty as Charged (Part One)

Tue, 26 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200

Men dish on their most mortifying moments.

Poolside Peep Show
'When my sister matriculated, my parents hosted a braai at our house. All of my friends came, as did our extended family. After going for a swim in our pool, I went upstairs to change my clothes. I threw on a pair of pants and a T-shirt, then went back downstairs. Later, my parents, my sister, and I posed for photos, but after a few minutes, my aunt pulled me aside and told me that my fly was down. Since I wasn't wearing any boxers, my private parts were visible. I quickly zipped up, but the next day, my friends had posted the photos on Facebook, and everyone had a permanent reminder of my flasher moment.'
- Nathan*, 22

Say My Name!
'I was out with a bunch of my friends at a bar one night and met this cute girl. We started talking and really hit it off. We flirted all night, and when the bar closed, she invited me back to her place. We arrived at her flat and ended up in bed. While we were hooking up, I accidentally said my ex-girlfriend's name. Then the girl said, 'Do you even know what my name is?' I took a guess and said Kate. Turns out, her name is Megan. She kicked me out of her bed, and then I had to call my friends to come and pick me up.' - Tim*, 24

Tropical Wood
'I took my girlfriend on holiday to Mauritius last month and wanted to make sure it was really special. I planned all these activities for us, including an afternoon in the hotel spa. When we arrived for our side-by-side massages, we were told to strip down and lie face up on our respective tables, which were divided by a curtain. 'Once I was on the table with the sheet over the lower half of my body, the masseuses came in and drew back the curtains. They'd told us to lie face up since they would begin by massaging our faces. Suddenly, I started to feel really turned on by her touch, and before I knew it, I had gotten an erection. Both of the masseuses and my girlfriend quickly noticed the tent I had pitched, and I was so embarrassed that I grabbed the sheet and left the room.'
- Ben*, 28

Caught Getting Buzzy
'For my university holidays, a bunch of my friends and I made plans to go to Durban. My friend is a total player, and he kept talking about how he was going to get with this girl I like down there. A few days before we left, I overheard him say his plan was to get her in bed, then ditch her after the trip. So I decided to teach him a lesson. 'I bought a hot pink vibrator and snuck it into Tom's suitcase on the day we were leaving for the airport. Later, as we were going through security, Tom was chatting up the girl when a guard asked to look through his bags. My crush saw the toy and was totally grossed out. She ignored him for the whole holiday, and I ended up hooking up with her instead.'
- Derek*, 20

Wax On, Wax Ouch!
'I'm a swimmer, and every season before the biggest competition of the year, everyone on the team has to get rid of their body hair. The reason is that we'll swim faster with less "drag" to slow us down. This year, I made up my mind to wax instead of shave. I bought a do-it-yourself kit, and after my roommates left for a weekend trip, I got to work in the kitchen. I warmed up the wax in the microwave, and after de-fuzzing my legs, I figured I might as well do my privates since I'd never tried it before. I took off my boxers and started applying the stuff down there. Just as I was slathering it on, my two roommates and their girlfriends walked in. They had forgotten something in the flat and caught me having a kitchen beauty session in the buff.'
- David*, 22

*Names have been changed

Not So Grown

Thu, 11 Aug 2011 12:00 +0200

I'm a teenager trapped in a grown person's life. While most of my life is lived on the slow lane of the reasonably fast lane, the rest of my life is stuck somewhere between December 31st 1999 (my matric year) and varsity. Sure, I've been out of school for more than a decade and I've lived practically a whole life since then, but there are days when the weight of adulthood creeps up and leaves me asking, 'When did all this happen to me?'

The latest reason why I started feeling this way is because I have to move house. While this isn't necessarily a bad thing, it means making grown-up decisions and all of that not-so-fun-stuff.

Many moons ago, when I first moved house, I was 17-years-old. My matric results had just come in and, armed with my mother's purse, we went looking for a place. The hardest part of that process was finding a flat close to my university. I didn't worry about how it would be paid, and I didn't know that deposits cost ridiculous amounts of money; I didn't even worry too much about the moving logistics. Eventually I moved to a flat on Jan Smuts, upstairs from an Adult World (charming). But I loved my apartment and all the freedom it represented. Since then, I've moved a few more times, each time becoming more stressful than the one before, the main cause of stress being that, as my age increases, the more the responsibility grows.

Now, at 27, I find myself looking for another place to call home - a place that will both suit me and my boyfriend's very different tastes and somehow fit our budget. Unlike when I was a teenager masquerading as an adult, deposits and moving trucks are now very much an issue. I can no longer be strolling the streets of Melville while my mother handles everything – not so much fun.

So, while my head sometimes goes into teenage-zone, my life no longer affords me that luxury. Somewhere between then and now I've had to get work done, pay bills, paint my nails, make time for my nephew and live through some other slightly more serious episodes. So, instead of getting myself bummed about becoming a 'grown up', my mission for the next few weeks is to remind myself about the awesome parts of being an adult - freedom, sex, earning my own money and having the chance to be writing for COSMO instead of surreptitiously reading it in Geography class. Here's to semi-adulthood.

Fit For a Swan

Fri, 19 Aug 2011 12:00 +0200

'Swan Parties' at The Red Carnation Hotel Collection are a feast of luxury, pampering, fun and female bonding. We checked out what Bushman's Kloof has to offer.

I deserve a Golden Globe, at least, for managing to be both coy and contemplative when the opportunity for me to check out the lodge-style Bushman's Kloof reserve in the Cederberg mountains presented itself. Of course, this reserve all but disappeared as we drove into the super luxurious lodge-style resort. On arrival - after a somewhat gruelling 270km drive from Cape Town - I was chosen as the faux bride for the trip so we could all have the real 'Swan Party' experience. A printout of Jarvier Bardem's face completed the charade and we were soon led to lunch where we were presented with a delicious, healthy spread featuring what must be the best guacamole I've ever tasted.

After lunch we were hurried over to the spa where we each received shoulder and neck massages - the kind where you slip into a dreamlike, yet invigorated state - and lounged about in the tranquillity and steam rooms. I enjoyed the steam room so much that my champagne - to my own personal horror - went untouched. High tea was served in the gazebo which has breathtaking, panoramic views across the landscape and where I, for the first time in my life, passed up on cupcakes. Having packed quite lightly (a single overnight bag) I was ill prepared for the Cederberg cold but, thankfully, the staff at 'BK' were. Armed with wool-stuffed, waterproof ponchos we made our way to Kadoro - a restored shepherd's cottage in the reserve - in an open vehicle.

We viewed game such as bontebok and ostrich, while a shirtless guide named Daniel assailed us with his tattooed torso and chocolate tequila. At Kadoro, games were played - including a fun Q&A session where we revealed our naughtiest secrets. There was also a bra hanging from the roof, and anyone who touched it had to have a shot of something. If only they'd known no provocation was needed...

On our last day we woke up early to embark on a guided tour of rock art - a fascinating look at ancient painting and drawings of the Bushmen who once lived in the area. Then breakfast - by far the most ambitious undertaking - was served high up on the mountains overlooking the best of Bushman's Kloof scenery. We had a delightful champagne breakfast where almost everyone (understandably) opted for the Bloody Mary's on offer. After a sumptuous meal of fruits, juices and bacon and egg sandwiches, we went back to our temporary home to prepare for a long (and woeful) drive back to Cape Town. Note to self: when my time comes to take the long march down the aisle, this is the place I will bring my girls to kiss singledom goodbye.

Fasting - Just How Far Would You Go?

Thu, 04 Aug 2011 12:00 +0200

I grew up in a Catholic home, so I’m no stranger to fasting and giving things up for an extended period of time. This year, I was supposed to give up coffee. I made a valiant attempt but after about a week and a half, my sanity and job were at stake, and I went back to my dirty old ways.

Since I have Muslim friends, we’ve gotten into discussions about fasting again because it is Ramadan.
Fasting is supposed to take you out of your comfort zone and build discipline and character, but what does failing at it say about you?

Our conversation led to us discussing whether or not we could do celibacy for 30 days. In theory this shouldn’t be very hard. I mean what’s a month? The reality however can be a bit different. Thirty days when you live with someone that you think is super sexy will start to seem like a painfully long time.

That got me thinking, if I couldn’t give up coffee for 40 days, would I be able to make up for it by giving up sex for ten days less? So even though my track record makes me an unlikely candidate for 'most disciplined fasting dreadlocked girl in the world', I’ve decided that there are things that I would be great at giving up. Vegetables for example, I can go without them for days. Sadly that requires no discipline from my part, so it doesn’t count.

The conversation ended with some of us saying we’ll try a 30-day sex fast, others said no they’ll just stick to their dirty habits and be happy.

What can you live without for 30 days? Sex? Chocolate? Shoes? Do share!

What Kind Of Island Holiday Are You On?

Wed, 03 Aug 2011 12:00 +0200

1. When you arrive…
a. You're shown a patch of jungle and told to build your own hut using only the available materials.
b. You wait at reception for about half an hour. When someone finally hands you your key, you lug your bags up five flights of stairs because the elevator is broken.
c. You step off a seaplane onto the jetty of a private island, where a smiling woman hands you a cool facecloth and a glass of refreshing homemade lemonade. Your bags are whisked off as you're led to a soft, inviting couch overlooking a pristine palm-fringed beach.

2. In your room, you find…
a. A baby scorpion, a pile of dry palm fronds and a plastic bucket. You'll just have to use your sarong as a bed sheet.
b. Twin beds (you asked for a double) both sagging in the middle. In the avocado green bathroom is a small cake of soap and a thin, scratchy towel. The view is of another apartment block, with a small corner of sea visible on the far right.
c. A king-sized bed with snowy white sheets wafted by air conditioning. There's a plasma TV and minibar fridge hidden in a dark wood cabinet. Your bathroom is set in a private garden, with two showers, a bath and a pile of thick towels. The gels, shampoos and lotions smell deliciously of mint. A sliding door leads onto a secluded patio with two loungers shaded by a flowering tree. Beneath the arch of its branches are a white sand beach and the glittering sea.

3. For dinner tonight it's…
a. A small fish you caught yourself after spending four hours in the blazing sun hunched on a rock with a pointed stick.
b. Beef curry and rice, coleslaw, bread rolls (only slightly stale) and jelly trifle with tinned fruit. For the second time this week.
c. Fresh salmon and tuna sushi and an assortment of incredible Asian cuisine. Yesterday you discovered Turkish food and tomorrow night there'll be all sorts of American specialties. Your only problem is trying not to go back for thirds of dessert each night - but how do you choose between cassis ice cream, hazelnut crème brulee and crepes?

4. On a typical day you'll…
a. Walk a kilometre with your bucket to find fresh drinking water, squabble over who gets to eat the leftover semi-raw fish from last night, then spend a relaxing afternoon combing the lice out of your hair.
b. Elbow your way past 13 000 overweight foreigners to find a spot to spread your towel on the beach. You decide not to swim because you saw something dodgy floating in the water.
c. Wake up to the sound of soft waves breaking on the beach outside your door. Go for a snorkel or a scuba dive on the nearby coral reef. You swam with a whale shark yesterday and today you'll probably see some turtles. Soak up some sunshine on your lounger after a long, leisurely lunch before heading out for sundowners at the beach bar beside the rim-flow pool.

5. Your Facebook status reads…
a. 'Does anyone know what it means when your whole body is covered in red lumps? Should I be worried?'
b. 'Went to another bar last night. Very bored so drank too much tequila. Think I may have snogged the fat guy from the souvenir stand.'
C. 'Went for a surprise outing on a jet ski this afternoon and swam with manta rays!'

RESULTS
Mostly As: You are participating in a reality TV show. Your best option is to get voted off the island as soon as possible.

Mostly Bs: You're at an average island holiday resort. Next time you'll ask the travel agent to be a little more specific about what she means by 'luxury' and 'idyllic'.

All Cs: You're at Diva Resort in the Maldives and you're one very happy holidaymaker indeed.

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Find out more about Diva Resort here.

The Best Way You Can Start The Day In The Maldives

Wed, 03 Aug 2011 12:00 +0200

It's another lazy day in the Maldives: outside my room I can hear the soft shushing of tiny waves lapping on the beach, the more distant murmur of larger waves on the lagoon reef and the call of the Maldivian cuckoo, becoming louder and more insistent, just like an alarm clock. The cuckoo is right; it's time for me to get up because I'm off on another early morning dive.

The Maldives is one of the best dive destinations in the world - some would say it's the best of all. At Diva Resort, we're lucky to have a really good scuba operator, Euro Dive. Temptingly, they offer discounted rates if you do more than one dive, so I've signed up for five.

It's a great feeling to be stepping onto a dive boat early in the morning and chugging off over translucent turquoise water to one of the thirty or so dive sites within easy reach of the resort. We can choose between inner reefs, outer reefs, manta cleaning stations, wrecks and thilas. Thilas are like underwater mountains: isolated coral spires in channels rich with plankton, and full of fish feeding on that plankton. All the dive instructors agree thilas are the best dives in the Maldives.

We have our briefing on the roof of the dhoni boat, are assigned our buddy teams (divers always dive in teams of at least two) then go below to don wetsuits, weight belts, BCDs, fins and, finally, masks. One by one we step off the boat and splash heavily into the water. We all give the okay signal and then the downward thumb to start our descent.

Down we sink, in a burble of air bubbles. As we go, I pinch my nostrils shut and blow hard. With a squeak, the painful pressure in my ears releases. We're close to the ocean floor now: the light is dim and blue, the suns rays slant slowly through the sea, the water is cool and heavy. This is a different world.

As we drift along on a gentle current, I float beside a fabulous jungle of coral cliffs, densely inhabited by flitting butterfly fish nosing at soft corals like sunbirds. Burly but beautifully painted parrotfish crunch stone corals like crisps. A Titan triggerfish cruises past at a safe distance as a school of unicorn fish dart around my face, their long horns making them look rather like aquatic Pinocchios.

Each time I venture underwater here, I see something new and astonishing. Like the hawksbill turtle that swam right up to me and looked me over as if to say, 'Funny fish in the neighbourhood these days'. Or the white-tipped reef shark that cruised straight through an enormous cloud of Oriental sweetlips - who didn't mind him at all. The list of fish I've identified is already close to 100 - and I know there are many I've left out.

It's so relaxing down here, so beautiful. I wish I could stay forever. But one hour is all we've got. We ascend slowly and as we near the surface, I can see hundreds of tiny jellyfish, each one different, unique, like snowflakes of the sea.

On the boat, our tanks are lifted off us, we're handed clean white towels, mugs of hot black tea, and fresh fruit kebabs. We climb the stairs to the roof deck and flop down in the sun, tired, happy and excited. Soon it will be time for our second dive of the morning.

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>>>Go To Blog Eight

Find out more about Diva Resort here.

99 Problems

Tue, 26 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200

From hair wrapping sagas to pop-star identity dramas, the #whitegirlproblems and #blackgirlproblems hashtags make sure we laugh with each other.

Everyone knows that stereotypes are only funny when they're true, which is why the super-popular Twitter hashtags #whitegirlproblems and #blackgirlproblems kept us busy for hours. Correction: keep us busy for hours.

Besides being funny enough to ensure coffee is squirted from our noses at our desks, these hashtags about the menial problems in the lives of white and black girls give us a little insight into how the other half live. White girls get a taste of the beauty, fashion or lifestyle mishaps that black girls face each day, and vice versa. Whether it's dealing with an itchy weave or hoping that no-one notices you're wearing leggings for the fifth day in a row, the truth is that everybody's got problems. Big or small, these hashtags give mostly-hilarious, sometimes-sad voices to all of our daily annoyances. And, maybe, they're not all that different after all. For every #whitegirlproblem, there's a #blackgirlproblem to match it.

Check out our picks of the best below:

White Girl Problems:

@oldkimcole: Why couldn't Queen have We have no anthem. I would sing that! #whitegirlproblems

@MattIsWar: Bad hair day even though I just showered? Wtf? #whitegirlproblems

@Unemployed Actress: I really need to stop drinking skinny vanilla lattes. It's starting to stain my teeth #whitegirlproblems

@beckybship: I keep confusing Demi Lovato for Selena Gomez. #whitegirlproblems

@elaineparmelee: How many days in a row can a girl wear leggings before an intervention must be staged? #whitegirlproblems

@whatachatch: My pencil skirt is restricting my movement. #whitegirlproblems

@caro_clark: Coke Zero on my white pants. #whitegirlproblems

@lizmatthewspr: Worrying about fitting everything (and everyone) in the Range Rover tomorrow #whitegirlproblems

@clairezettle: Knowing all the words to #whitegirlproblems

Black Girl Problems:

@PrettyYoung_Gee: #blackgirlproblems That line that stays on your forehead after you've unwrapped your hair

@alisoncxo: When you're expected to know all of the latest dance moves, and do them well #blackgirlproblems

@CJdrizzzle #blackgirlproblems Not swimming because you don't want to mess up your fresh perm and no, a swim cap is not an option.

@gottahavemyfox: The way I just scratched my head... I won't be getting a perm anytime soon #blackgirlproblems

@McHIGHver: When someone asks you to braid their hair and they're shocked when you tell them you don't know how #blackgirlproblems

@Jay_Doll #BlackGirlProblems Knowing that if you leave your house without any Vaseline, or lip balm or gloss...You're in trouble

@ay0itskeia_ k3i%≤: People are surprised when your favourite music artist isn't someone in Young Money. #blackgirlproblems

@brandeeshiff: I really despise the fact that all my shorts are tight on my ass and extremely loose on my waist. #blackgirlproblems

@de_la_perry: #blackgirlproblems Another year has passed without me being adopted by Angelina Jolie

10 Things I Learned On The COSMO Swimwear Shoot

Mon, 01 Aug 2011 12:00 +0200

1. Swimwear models really are that thin and gorgeous in real life. But they eat like normal people. Which could make it easy to hate them, but...

2. The models on COSMO shoots aren't stuck up or stupid prima donnas. We shoot with fun, down-to-earth, happy people.

3. It's possible for a pair of earrings that look like they were made out of a cool drink can to cost more than R3 000.

4. A Mr. Price bikini can look as good as an expensive designer bikini and can be a lot easier to figure out how to put on.

5. With reference to point 4., sometimes even fashion director's can't be absolutely certain which way a piece of swimwear is supposed to be worn. It's not uncommon for several people on a shoot to stand around debating this: 'I'm sure it's meant to go on this way...' 'No that's upside down, isn't it?'

6. Prep (yes, the stuff men use for shaving) is the best thing you can pack for an island holiday. It's great for sunburn, stings, rashes, cracked heels... you name it. If you don't have Prep but you have sunburn, you can ask the resort restaurant for some vinegar to put in a hot bath. It'll sting, but it helps.

7. The fashion assistant sometimes has to pin the bikini bottoms up behind because the models are so tiny (seriously!). We actually used nappy pins so there would be no chance of injury.

8. Models who've just come off Sports Illustrated shoots have to be trained not to model so much on a COSMO shoot. We prefer images of women looking natural and behaving the way they normally would, rather than performing weird contortions for the camera.

9. Getting a great shot doesn't look all that complicated, but it's a combination of many factors that all have to be just right: The light, the location, the styling, the hair and makeup, the model, the photographer, the equipment, the direction, the motion, the moment... The main aim is to capture an image that creates a certain mood or feeling.

10. After a hard day shooting in the sun, there's nothing models love more than karaoke. And tequila! And, for the record, photographers are especially terrible at karaoke.

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>>>Go To Blog Seven

Find out more about Diva Resort here.

How Many People Does It Take To Shoot a Bikini?

Mon, 01 Aug 2011 12:00 +0200

Before I came on the COSMO Swimwear shoot at Diva Resort in the Maldives, I had no idea what went on at a fashion shoot or who actually did what. Here's an overview of the crew:

1. Models, obviously (even I knew that). The number of models can vary, but on this swimwear shoot there were five. Grace and Tsanna from Canada, Isabela from Brazil, Justin from Chicago and Candice from Cape Town. All of them absolutely loved the Maldives and got on like old friends. (There's even a bit of a romance developing between Justin and Tsanna!)

2. A project manager. COSMO's Business Development Manager, Leigh Kinross put the whole shoot together, arranging sponsorships, advertisers, the team, transport and the location. Fortunately, she managed to fit in a couple of treatments at the Diva Spa - after all that organising she must have needed a time-out.

3. A fashion director. Our Special Projects Fashion Director, Robynne Kahn, sourced some of the most newsworthy and desirable swimwear of the season. There are at least 10 swimsuits from this shoot I simply have to have - and some of them I can even afford. She'll pair a show stopping one-piece with an enormous chunky necklace or earrings in ways that will make your eyes pop out of your head.

4. A fashion assistant. Junior Fashion Assistant, Andrea Albertyn keeps everything in order, which is no mean feat when you've got 20 assorted boxes full of bikinis, earrings, bangles, shoes, sandals, necklaces, dresses, hats - and you're shooting about 10 outfits at a time. Andrea makes a note of each item photographed, as well as the designer, outlet and price, in a red-and-white polka dot book.

5. Hair and make-up. Huey Tilley has a way of making hair and makeup look effortless and natural all at once, despite being the victim of an ancient curse that causes his essential M.A.C. powder to fall on the floor and shatter within the first few days of shooting.

6. Photographer. Jacques Weyers has the nerve-wracking job of translating a few simple ingredients (model, palm tree, beach) into endless variations that all have that certain something that makes COSMO fashion spreads sensational.

7. Photographer's assistant. Gerrit Olivier has got Jacques' back - quite literally when Jacques is walking backwards through the sea taking photographs. Other duties may include drizzling water from a palm frond onto moonlit models in bikinis. He tries not to make his friends sick with jealousy.

8. Videographer and general prankster. Roland Sweet has about five cameras, two of which are waterproof – which is lucky, because the crew are occasionally tempted to pour ice-cold water over him while he's napping, in revenge for all the tricks he plays.

9. Journalist. (That's me.) My mission is to hang about watching the weird and wonderful goings on and to write about them. It's a tough job, but someone's got to do it!

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>>>Go To Blog Six

Find out more about Diva Resort here.

Nothing But Fruit?

Fri, 29 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200

Okay girls, I have a confession to make. You see, I arrived at Diva Resort in the Maldives with every intention of getting ready for summer. I'd test out a new bikini, start on my tan and, let's face it, lose a few of those winter-pudding kilos I've been hiding under sweaters for the last few months.

My plan was foolproof: I'd eat nothing but fruit (and, if possible, drink nothing but Brutal Fruit) and I'd spend all my time doing strenuous outdoor activities in my bikini: snorkelling, scuba diving, beach volleyball, waterskiing. In no time at all I'd be lean, brown and almost possibly a COSMOPOLITAN Swimwear model candidate myself.

So you can imagine how my spirits plummeted when Leigh Kinross, COSMO's stylish Business Development Manager, greeted me with the fateful words, 'Oh my goodness, the food here is the best in the world!'

There are six restaurants at Diva Resort, and, besides all being in spectacular settings (think perched over a limpid lagoon full of tropical fish), most of them serve buffet meals.

Now, in my experience, buffets are not normally anything to write home about. They usually involve various brownish fries and stews, stale soggy sandwiches and sad wilting salads. In other words, they're utterly resistible.

The buffets at Diva, however, are unimaginably delectable. The variety, the freshness, the presentation, the sheer yumminess of it all would be enough to defeat the most disciplined of dietarians.

Let's start with breakfast. Please tell me, how was I meant to choose between fresh sliced fruit (papaya, star fruit, dragon fruit, pineapple, kiwis, passion fruit, yellow and pink watermelon), fresh fruit salad, fresh fruit compote (kiwi, strawberry, raspberry, peach) and stewed fruit? Apparently, even my 'fruit-only' diet was completely doomed.

Each morning, I have to walk past chocolate croissants, custard Danishes, dainty little bread rolls, Nutella, omelettes made to order, egg noodles, cold meats, cheeses, even dim sum. In the end, I usually manage to settle for a three-course breakfast of fruit (hey, I'm sticking to my plan, sort of), Bircher Muesli and fresh pancakes with maple syrup and crispy bacon, washed down with two cappuccinos.

Lunches and dinners pose a similar problem. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot pass up on the Caesar Salad station, the fresh tuna niçoise, the crispy grilled salmon, the fresh smoked salmon, the prawns, the reef fish stir-fry, the chocolate éclairs, the chocolate mousse, and the coconut, coffee, strawberry and pineapple ice creams.

To top it all, some of the restaurants have themed evenings, so you can try out authentic tidbits from all over the world. On Monday, it was Maldivian evening. Tonight, it's Chinese and Japanese. (Did I hear someone say sushi?)

I'd love to know just how the chefs come up with all these incredible recipes and ideas and how they manage to put together such fresh and varied feasts on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere. But, what I really want to know is this: which joker at Diva decided it was a good idea to put an electronic scale in each room?

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>>>Go To Blog Five

Find out more about Diva Resort here.

Swimming With Sharks

Thu, 28 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200

Yesterday I wrote about the hot fashion trends being worn at Diva Resort in the Maldives, but truth be told, the hottest accessories to wear here are a mask, snorkel and fins.

The Maldives is one of the best places in the world to see underwater life. The tropical coral reefs are swarming with jewel-coloured fish - around 300 species of them - as well as manta rays, stingrays, sea turtles and assorted sharks, including the real star of the show: the whale shark.

For many people, swimming with a whale shark is a lifelong dream. The lucky COSMOPOLITAN Swimwear shoot crew enjoyed an incredible morning's 'work' yesterday out on a whale shark safari.

After breakfast, we boarded a dhoni boat. These are the traditional boats of the Maldives, which have dramatically tall, curved prows. The dhonis at Diva are double-storied so you can climb the stairs to a sundeck. Since the weather was perfect, we lay sprawled on our towels in the sunshine, supposedly looking out for whale sharks.

In fact, we were lounging around having a fat chat when the crew started calling and pointing excitedly. Although whale sharks are quite common around Diva, it's still a special occasion to see them. And we were luckier than we could ever have hoped.

The first whale shark we saw was swimming quite far down below us. We jumped in with our snorkels, but it had soon gone too deep to see clearly. Undeterred, the crew called us aboard and almost immediately found another whale shark. This one was swimming very slowly, only a couple of metres below the surface, and was totally unbothered by all our splashing and squawking.

Whale sharks look cool in pictures, but they are seriously awesome in the flesh. They're the world's largest living fish (hence the name) but are completely harmless. They're also incredibly beautiful, with skins that look like a cross between aboriginal paintings and a starry night sky. In fact, researchers at Diva use software originally developed for star mapping to identify each whale shark's unique patterns. You can upload your photographs to their database and, if they don't have a record of your whale shark, you get to name it.

I'd been swimming along beside our shark for about 10 minutes when it occurred to me that it would be great if someone took a photo. Perhaps we could call this whale shark 'COSMO'! Looking around to see if anyone had a camera, I saw a sea turtle right next to me. It flapped its flippers in the crystal clear water and stared with its head to one side, as if to say, 'Hmm, some odd fish in the neighbourhood these days.'

I was caught in a terrible quandary: should I hang out with the turtle, or keep swimming along with the whale shark? Turtle or whale shark? Whale shark or turtle? These are the truly tough decisions you face in the Maldives. With an apologetic wave to the turtle, I swam off after the whale shark again.

P.S. Unfortunately, the underwater camera's battery was dead, so we never found out if the whale shark had a name or not. But it will always be COSMO to me.

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>>>Go To Blog Four

Find out more about Diva Resort here.

A Little Piece Of Heaven

Thu, 28 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200

Every once in a while, city life gets overwhelming and the urge to run to some or other bush retreat calls. I was lucky enough recently to get a freebie weekend away - and the date coincided with my man’s birthday. Southern Sun's Sabi River Lifestyle Resort was our destination, and the only thing that stood between us and our holiday was a five hour drive. Armed with a variety of music, some padkos in the form of snacks and the anticipation of wildlife, we set off on what would turn out to be a decadent weekend of relaxation.

The first four hours of the drive were pleasant; all we did was sing, chat, chill and enjoy the views. But once we hit Nelspruit, we got lost during peak-hour traffic – not an ideal scenario. At that moment, my calm demeanour flew out the window and I became a typical, potty-mouthed Jo’burg girl. But a few detours and an hour later, we arrived at a place that I would call a little piece of heaven.

The staff at Sabi River Lifestyle Resort staff welcomed us with drinks and, before even checking in, we were driven down to the river to see some hippos. With glasses of wine in hand, we watched as a few hippos went about their business less than 20 metres away from us. This is the only place in the country where you can get that close to hippos. Instantly the feeling of calm returned. Instead of being stuck in the jungle of Jo’burg traffic, I was in the perfect combo of wild nature and luxury.

After drinks, we went off to dinner and were treated to yummy meals including Sabi trout stuffed with cheese and feta. As a true foodie nothing, not even a five-hour drive and sore feet, can distract me from good food. Stuffed, content and still excited about sundowners with the hippos, we headed to our rooms for a night of well-deserved sleep.

Saturday had a lot of 'firsts' in store for us. Spa treatments were number one on the list because, let’s be honest, what’s a holiday without a bit of pampering? A couple’s massage from the Eden spa took away two months’ worth of stress and tension and added to overall luxuriousness of the resort. After the spa, I decided to stress myself out a bit by going on a microlight flight over Sabi As this plane is about the size of a kite, there was a lot of to-ing and fro-ing about whether or not I wanted to try this out. In the end, I figured trying something new is what COSMO girls do.

As we went down the runway, I said a little prayer and wondered if I’d told my mom I loved her enough. But the second we hit the air, my fear evaporated. I was seeing the world from a different and glorious perspective. We saw hippos and zebras, and the world was so much more incredible from a bit further up that by the time out trip had ended I didn’t want to get off the plane.

Next on the agenda was a game drive in the Kruger National Park. Although most of the animals were playing hide-and-seek that day, there is something very appealing about being out in the wild. The air is different, the energy is different and I felt a deep connection to nature. We drove to a giant rock in the game park where we enjoyed sundowners. I wanted to stay out there for longer, but my fantasy of permanently living on the giant rock was interrupted by a game ranger who was talking about how animals climb up this rock in the dark. That was enough to make this city girl pretty eager to return to the car and the safety of our hotel.

We spent the rest of the weekend taking in the views, taking long walks on the golf course, eating tasty meals and enjoying the place we’ve decided to make a regular holiday spot for us. For other city girls like me who sometimes need a breath of fresh air, a new perspective and some time to bond with nature over cocktails, this is a place worth checking out. Whether with a group of friends or for a relaxed couples get-away, Sabi is an untouched piece of heaven which you'll never want to leave.

Cutting-Edge Summer Trends

Wed, 27 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200

Since we arrived at Diva Resort in the Maldives, the COSMOPOLITAN Swimwear Shoot crew has been constantly amazed by the gorgeous, up-to-the-minute fashion being shown off - not by our own models (although Robynne Kahn has selected some truly smoking swimwear), but rather by the guests!

Many of the guests - particularly the Chinese women - look as though they've hired their own professional stylists to put together each day's outfit for them. We all agree these looks will probably only make it to South Africa in the next two years. So, in case you want to get ready for Summer 2013 now, here are five future summer fashion tips.

1. His and hers outfits.
Try not to choke on your cappuccino! Wearing cute matching ensembles is going to be the thing, especially when it comes to swimwear. Right now, in Diva's East restaurant (this resort has six restaurants), I can see two couples flaunting their togetherness. One pair are wearing pale stone tops and his and hers zebra-print shorts - hers are short, his are long. The other pair are wearing matching cartoon dog shirts and Hawaiian print Bermuda swim trunks - his are blue, hers are red. My vote goes to team zebra: the cartoon dogs are a tad scary.

2. Floaty, chiffon florals.
I'm no fashion fundi, but even I can see that the florals on display here are on a different level to the ones we get at home. Wear them either as full-length dresses with silk and button detail or as adorable, but minimalist above-the-knee babydolls.

3. Silk, lace and beadwork parasols.
So maybe this trend isn't practical for everyday use, but it looks sensational strolling down the wooden catwalk, erm, I mean boardwalk, at a resort in the Maldives. Plus, there's no chance of getting hat-hair.

4. Flip-flops with massive fabric flowers.
How these manage to look stylish is beyond me, but they do. I think the trick is to keep the rest of the ensemble as simple as possible and wear the flowers on your feet as your only accessory.

5. The perfect five-star island resort setting to strut your stuff.
These styles simply aren't going to look as incredible in the city as they do posed on white, sandy beaches under softly swaying palm fronds. Once you've got your wardrobe sorted, book at least ten days at a place like Diva to give those outfits the outing they deserve.

How do I know this is a hot trend? Well, put it this way: At a time when most hotels and tourist destinations are struggling, Diva is operating at 100% occupancy. Apparently after I arrived, there literally wasn't a single room left empty...

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>>>Go To Blog Three

Find out more about Diva Resort here.

Arriving In Paradise In Style

Mon, 25 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200

I'm sitting in a thatched wooden villa on stilts perched over water so clear, aquamarine and sparkling it could be an enormous ad for swimming pool chemicals. Except that it's completely natural and the Barracudas in this water aren't attached to a pool pump - they're the real deal.

Hairdryers are going as Robynne Kahn, COSMO's fierce special projects fashion director picks accessories for gorgeous, exotic Grace to wear with the insanely hot swimsuit she's modelling. Laid-back hip-hop is pumping from Jacques' iPod. He's the photographer. He's blonde, tattooed and has a tan that testifies to many a shoot in a tropical location. Perhaps the Maldives is just another day at work for him. But for some of us, they're pretty astounding.

I knew this was going to be one fairly awesome trip when I saw the word 'seaplane' on my itinerary. You see, in the Maldives, the islands are sort of incidental. They're really just there to give definition to all the water. The way you get around here is either in boats, or in boats with wings.

When I arrived in Male, touching down on the world's shortest international runway (which covers the entire length of an island), I was taken straight to the seaplane terminal for my flight to five-star luxury resort Diva, where I'd be joining the rest of the COSMOPOLITAN SA Swimwear shoot crew.

It was a little odd to climb off a wooden jetty into a plane that rocked, helped in by crew wearing flip-flops (some of the pilots were strolling around barefoot). As we took off, I gazed out of the window at little islands, apparently completely given over entirely to one resort each, and lots of what looked like the fairy circles in the Namib desert, except that the patterns here are made in water, rather than sand. These, I'm guessing, are atolls.

We landed with a splash beside a strip of white sand fringed with palms. 'Welcome to Paradise,' said a smiling young woman. Yeah, yeah yeah. Everyone calls every tropical island 'paradise'. It's admittedly kinda a hackneyed thing to say. Except, I thought, looking around at the softly shushing sea, the lush foliage and the luxurious, open air lounge, perhaps this time it's true...

>>>Go To Blog Two

Find out more about Diva Resort here.

His Dirty Little Secrets

Wed, 20 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200

Six guys reveal their scamming secrets.

Knocked Out!
'I took this girl I really liked to a soccer game. Throughout the day, she kept mentioning how she loved tough guys. At one point, this drunk jerk behind us was rude and started saying really obnoxious things. Remembering that she liked manly men, I turned around and told him to knock it off. The next thing I knew, I was laying on the ground with her standing over me. The guy had punched me, and I had gone down for the count, like a total wuss.'
- Andrew*, 30

Out Of The Closet
'I hadn't dated anyone for a while, and my mom was on my case about finding a nice girl. What she didn't know was that I had been hooking up with a "not-so-nice girl" for months. One day, my mom was over because we were going to a family wedding. She offered to iron my shirt, and I told her it was in my cupboard. When she came back, she was carrying a box of my girl's toys - which included handcuffs, a vibrator, flavoured lube, and lots of other things. She dropped the box on the floor and told me she had no clue I was gay. I guess she didn't realise straight couples get kinky. When l tried to explain, she just walked out.'
- Nicholas*, 26

Care For a Tour-gasm?
'My girlfriend and I were visiting her cousin, who is a tour guide in another city. One day, he was showing people around the historic district, and we decided to join in. While we were walking around, listening to him point things out, we started to feel frisky. We found an alley behind a famous museum and got busy. Suddenly, we heard footsteps coming toward us, so we quickly scrambled for our clothes. That's when her cousin came around the corner with 10 other tourists. They had heard my girl and thought she was hurt before realising it was a different kind of moaning.'
- David*, 23

Zipped In The Bud
'I was at my girlfriend's house one night, and her parents were out for dinner. We were messing around on the couch when we heard them opening the front door. I quickly pulled up my zip and suddenly felt the most intense pain. ln my haste, I'd zipped some of the skin on my member. When her parents walked in, they found me on my knees, trying not to cry like a baby.'
- Jacob*, 18

Hook, Line, and Stinker
'My girlfriend was working at a children's camp, and I decided to drive up and surprise her one day. When I arrived, I couIdn't find her, so I went down to the lake and saw this hot girl fishing. She said my girlfriend had taken some kids into town and wouldn't be back for a few hours, but I could hang with her until then. We sat by the water, talked, and eventually started hooking up. When we heard the bus pull up with all the campers, we quickly put our clothes back on. My girlfriend was psyched to see me, and I ended up getting lucky twice that day.'
- Michael*, 24

Grass Ass
'During the summer, I used to mow the neighbourhood lawns for extra cash. At one house, a girl was always sunbathing outside with her friends while I did my job. One day, they were all in tiny bikinis, rubbing each other with suntan lotion. I totally lost all sense of what I was doing and ran the lawn mower into a tree - breaking it and getting a huge bruise on my leg in the process. I'm not sure what was worse, being humiliated in front of those beautiful girls or having to shell out the money to buy a new lawnmower.'
- Matt*, 21

*Names have been changed

On Special Days, You Meet Angels

Wed, 20 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200

Interviews are a normal part of a writer or journalist's life. Sometimes, scheduling them in is automatic; something I've done many times before and will probably do many times again. Recently while scheduling in an interview, I knew that something was going to be different about this story, I just didn't know what.

It took almost three weeks to find the perfect venue and date, and after a while, I stopped thinking about too much. I went on with my life which included the good - phone calls with my nephew, laughter at the office, cuddles with my boyfriend, conversations with friends; and the bad - complaining about money, crying over some drama in my life and dragging myself out of bed on days when I'd rather be sleeping off an emotional hangover. I wasted most of that three-week period feeling sorry for myself, moping and complaining. Eventually, my mother told me to snap out of it. I was trudging my way through murky emotional waters, but now I had a clear view of what was up ahead.

As scheduled, I left my office to meet a woman whose story I will not share here today. She is younger than me, and, having survived the hardest odds, is the beacon of light that many people need in their lives. Despite the fact that many things had gone wrong in her life and she was even at death's door at one point, she was as alive and as optimistic as ever. Unlike me, who had been hiding under blankets while weeping away into yet another box of tissues, she had faced her challenge head on and continued to fight.

When I asked her what kept her going, she said that the gift of life is what made her go on, every single day, determined not to complain. Even though we all have some problems, there's a way of thinking that often eludes us because we are so self-involved. Maybe like me, you need to meet someone who can share their wisdom with you or maybe you just need to get out of your hole and help someone who is less fortunate than you. Either way life is too fabulous for us to be walking around as shadows of the people we are meant to be.

So, as winter slowly turns to spring in the next few weeks, I'm going to clean out the giant closet that is my life and I hope you can do the same too. You deserve it!

Spill The Beans (Part Two)

Tue, 05 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200

Do you really know what guys think? Get to know them a little bit better, as they dish some dirt...

Parent Trap
'During my university holidays, my parents went away for a week and left me with the house all to myself, so I had a bunch of friends over for a holiday shindig. About 50 people showed up, and we began blasting music and dancing. In the middle of the festivities, one of my friends spilled a drink on her jeans, and I said she could borrow a pair of my mom's pants. I was busy with the party, so I let her go into my parents' room by herself. Five minutes later, she came running out of the room holding a large rubber dildo and shouted, 'Look what I found in your mom's cupboard!' Someone abruptly turned off the music, and everyone stopped to stare at my mother's sex toy. I almost died.'
- Rob*, 21

Bus 'n' Grind
'At university, I was on the tennis team. I liked Sandy*, a drop-dead gorgeous girl from the team, but her boyfriend happened to be the captain, so I resisted temptation and stopped myself from making a play for her. One weekend, we were going to a big match at another university and had to travel five hours on a bus. At a rigorous practice the day before the match, Sandy's boyfriend pulled his hamstring, so he stayed behind. Sandy and I ended up sitting next to each other on the bus. On the way home that night, everyone fell asleep and we flirted hardcore. Eventually, we pulled a large wool blanket over our laps and fooled around. Sandy kept dating her boyfriend, but for the rest of the season, we slept together on the sly.'
- Adam*, 22

Trigger Happy
'During the holidays, my girlfriend and I spent a lot of time hooking up in her parents' house while they were asleep upstairs. One night, we were making out with our clothes on. Suddenly, her father came running downstairs in his bright-red bathrobe and slippers, so we stopped kissing immediately. I thought I was in the clear, until I saw that he was carrying a shotgun! I panicked and moved as far away from my girlfriend as possible. I was absolutely terrified that her dad was planning to shoot me right then and there, but he sprinted past us and went out the door. It turned out that hordes of rats were destroying their prized family garden, and her father was staging a surprise attack. Even though he wasn't going after me, the image of my girlfriend's burly father with a shotgun ruined the mood for me that night.'
- Jan*, 20

Oldie But a Woodie
'One warm Sunday morning, I woke up early and walked out of my house in my boxers to grab the newspaper. As I bent over to pick it up, I heard my neighbour, a 73-year-old single woman, say, 'That's quite good for a man your age!' I looked down and realised that my prominent morning erection was popping out of the slit in my boxers. She was staring at it like she hadn't seen a penis in years, which I'm fairly certain she hadn't! Every time I see her now, she gives me this disturbing pervy smile and reminds me about the incident. She even told my grandmother about it.'
- Ryan*, 30

*Names have been changed

Cool Cocktails

Thu, 07 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200

J&B shared their prize-winning cocktails with us. We think you should give these a try...

Dash Splash (created by Mexico)

35ml J&B
40ml ginger ale
40ml cranberry juice
10ml lime juice
Orange slice to garnish

Method:
Served ice cold, this is a dry, slightly sparkling mix. Build the J&B, cranberry and lime juice in a flute glass. Stir well and top up with the ginger making sure all the ingredients are chilled to perfection. Add a slice of orange for garnish.

Sunset Blaze (created by South Africa)

35ml J&B
15ml crème de frais
15ml lemon juice
75ml orange juice
75ml cranberry juice
Fresh strawberry to garnish

Method:
Blending different juices and a strawberry liquer, this fruity drink shows the versatility of J&B. Add all the ingredients to a cocktail shaker and shake well. Strain into an ice filled highball glass and add a garnish fresh strawberry to serve.

W Redrock (created by Mexico)
35ml J&B
15ml crème de cassis
125ml sprite
Fresh cherries to garnish

Method:
Using the cassis to add a touch of blackcurrant and inject a flavour of dark fruit into the drink, this is a delightfully refreshing and effervescent cocktail. Add all the ingredients one by one to an ice filled tumbler. Stir well as you add each one to make sure the drink is well blended. Drop a cherry on top to serve.

Ellicious (created by South Africa)

35ml J&B
15ml peach schnapps
50ml mango puree
20ml lime juice
75ml pineapple juice
Pineapple leaf to garnish

Method:
Flavours ofmango, pineapple and peach bring a taste of the tropical to this cocktail. Shake all the ingredients in a cocktail shaker and strain into an ice filled highball glass. Add a pineapple leaf to garnish and serve.

Growing Old-ish

Mon, 11 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200

I remember being 12-years-old and being eager to 'grow up'. Everything about being an adult seemed so much more exciting than my pre-pubescent life with my mother as the boss of all my actions. There was something very shiny and glamorous about being a 20-something, driving around town in my own car, deciding when I went to sleep and when I partied 'til the wee hours of the morning. At 12, all of these things were pure fantasy, pieced together by TV shows, MTV (when they still played music) and stories I'd heard my older cousins tell. I couldn't wait for freedom; in fact I could almost taste it.

Then came the teenage years, those years when I thought I was incredibly cool and resented my mother's presence in my life more than ever. My body was changing, making me think I was all grown up (when the reality is that C-cup breasts don't make a 16-year-old anywhere near an adult). I would seek my freedom in many a shady way – making plans to sneak out, making my dad wait for me even though I promised I'd be done at the movies by 10pm, etc. Those were some of my most fun days, but not always my best. Luckily, back then the consequences weren't drastic - at best, I would be grounded.

Then, I kind of grew up. I got my matric results and off I went apartment-hunting with my mother. Finally the freedom I craved was all mine. I would spend money on going out, live on noodles for a week, party until dawn and still have the luxury of someone else paying my bills. This was by far my favourite 'grown-up' phase.

Now, I'm 27 with a real job, real responsibilities and my propensity to stay up later than 2am no longer appeals to me with as much excitement. While I still know how to party, no matter how many boot camp sessions I go to, my body (and luckily my mind) is no longer 16. Sure I have moments of madness where I feel young and free but these days the consequences (including massive hangovers that take three days to shake off) stay with me that much longer. So, for the umpteenth time in my life, I feel like I'm at a weird middle ground - not quite old, but not quite as young at heart as I used to be. I now crave the security of a cute little apartment with a man who strokes my hair as he reads a book. I now prefer not to eat noodles for a week, but rather a cooked meal with the odd takeaway treat. My mother is now one of my best friends and confidante. I can't believe I went through so many years trying to ignore her.

So while I try clean up my life, dusting off some cobwebs left from more wreckless days, I wonder - does this make me old? Perhaps not, but older - definitely.

Spill The Beans (Part One)

Tue, 05 Jul 2011 12:00 +0200

Do you really know what guys think? Get to know them a little bit better, as they dish some dirt...

Double D-Caption
'I was walking to my flat one day when I ran into a girl from work who has huge breasts. I had a crush on her, so when she told me that she had missed her lift and her cell was dead, I said she could come to my place and use my phone to call someone for a ride. Even though I have a girlfriend, I decided to hit on her, and when we were at my house, we ended up stripping and doing the deed. After she left, my girlfriend came over. I brought her to my room to have sex, and just as we were about to get down to business, she stopped, pointed to the top of my drawers, and said, 'What the hell is that?' I realised that when I wasn't looking, the girl from work had left behind her bra with her number next to it. I tried to make up an explanation, but my girlfriend just slapped me and stormed out of the room.
- Mark*, 30

The Trojan Wars
'My girlfriend goes to university in her hometown, so she still lives with her parents. One afternoon, her mother found a box of condoms while she was cleaning my girlfriend's room. She told me about it and insisted that her mother wasn't mad, but a couple of days later, I got a letter in the mail from her mom. I opened it up, and inside was a condom with a note that read, 'I'm glad you are using protection while having sex with my little girl.' I was so embarrassed that I refused to go to her house for an entire month.'
- Carl*, 23

Randy Room Service
'In my last year of high school, I was working as a waiter at a local hotel when this gorgeous businesswoman with red hair checked in. She had a ton of luggage, and I eagerly offered my services. In the elevator, we exchanged a couple of naughty glances. When we got to her room, she smiled coyly at me as I opened the door. I unloaded all of her luggage and she gave me a tip. Just as I was heading out, she asked if I could help her with the zipper on the back of her tight dress. I unzipped her dress, and she let the top fall to her waist. Before l knew it, we were going at it on the floor. An hour later, I finally made it back to the restaurant, and I got in trouble with my boss for taking an unscheduled break.'
- Anthony*, 19

Whipping Boy
'When I first moved to Johannesburg, I had a roommate who was a total jerk. He would take all of my stuff without asking, eat the food in the flat, and constantly leave the place a wreck. One night, he had a raging party and l came home to find his best friend having sex in my bed. That was the last straw. I knew my roommate had a big interview with a law firm later in the week, and he'd had his only suit dry-cleaned just for the occasion. The morning of the interview, I woke up early and filled the pockets of his jacket and pants with whipped cream. Then I went through his briefcase and wrote 'Will work for food' on his CV. When I came home that night, he was absolutely furious, and he moved out two days later.'
- Zach*, 27

*Names have been changed

Whoa, Man... (Part Two)

Tue, 21 Jun 2011 12:00 +0200

Crack up with these embarrassing stories.

Loudmouthed Loser
'I had been chosen to be the MC for an event at university. In addition to planning jokes and funny interludes, I thought that while I had the mike, I would make a huge romantic gesture toward a girl I liked. In between acts, I announced that, before I continued with the programme, I wanted to give a special shout-out to a girl who didn't know that I had a killer crush on her and that I was wondering if she'd go out with me that weekend. Then I announced her name. 'I thought my ballsy move would blow her away, but when I looked over at her, her face had turned bright red. When I asked her again into the mike if she would go out with me, she glared back and shook her head... in front of the entire university. The only thing I heard afterward was the hall erupting into laughter.'
- Carl*, 26

A Dirty Mind
'I was on my way to an interview for a prestigious scholarship, and I was wearing a really expensive suit. After raining all morning, the weather finally cleared up, so I decided I would walk there. I was strolling along when a bus drove by really close to the pavement. There were still lots of puddles on the street, so when the bus passed, it hit a giant one, splashing muddy water all over me. 'I didn't have time to change clothes before the interview, so when I got to the office, I dashed to the bathroom, wrung out my suit, then tried to finish it off by using the hand dryers. I walked into the interview in a damp, wrinkly outfit, smelling like bathroom soap. They were less than impressed, and oddly, I didn't get offered the scholarship.'
- Kevin*, 21

One Strike, Two Balls
'I'm a PE teacher at a primary school, and I had been really nervous around my hot co-worker. On the day we were teaching the students how to play cricket, I figured it would be the perfect time to impress her with how helpful and sensitive I could be around children. I was showing one of the girls how to hit the ball, and when I thought she was ready, I let her try it on her own. When I tossed her the ball, she swung and hit it really hard. The ball whipped right back at me, pounding me in the balls. I fell over backward, in total pain after the blow from this little girl. I came off like a huge pansy in front of the woman I was trying to impress.'
- Lee*, 19

Totally Tanked
'My girlfriend's car wouldn't start one morning, and since it had worked the evening before, she thought that someone might have put sugar in the tank, which supposedly ruins the engine. She asked me if I would check to see, and I agreed, even though I had no idea how to go about it. I figured I would just remove the petrol cap and feel for sugar with my finger. I did that, but when I went to remove my finger, it wouldn't budge, no matter how hard I pulled. After we tried for half an hour to pry my finger out, my girlfriend had to call the fire department. She must have sounded hysterical on the phone because they arrived with an entire cavalry, and a team of five people had to hammer away at the opening in order to set me free. We found out later that the reason for the breakdown was that I had left the car in reverse.'
- Brian*, 22

*Names have been changed

Karaoke For Two

Wed, 29 Jun 2011 12:00 +0200

I'm a singer. I do it a lot, everywhere without any real shame or feelings of being self-conscious. I often stand by the mirror and sing while holding my boyfriend's microphone and I sometimes sing on table tops on karaoke nights. The slight difference between me and some of those Idol wooden mic contestants is that I'm under no delusions about the state of my voice. It's bad, really bad, in fact. But, I feel I make up for this with nicely waxed eyebrows.

These days I've been singing more. My nephew, who was once a teeny tiny little man that would sleep on my bosom, is now a toddler. He's not one of those sweet, even-tempered toddlers that quietly play with their toys. He is the run-around-throw-stuff-pull-stuff-stick-fingers-in-electric-sockets-and-pull-the-dog's-tail kind of toddler. This not-so-little bundle of joy is still my favourite person and the more he learns to do stuff, the more in love I fall.

After spending a couple of hours mourning the fact that never again would he be three-months old, I decided that I would have to learn how to play. Failure to do this could lead to a strained relationship and I am not willing to take that risk.

At 27, I think I play quite often. I have friends; we have play dates where we dance, play board games and do other fun things. This and my own childhood have done nothing to prepare me for how to play with my nephew. After some training from my sister, I have learnt a few things: how to kick a ball (not too hard, he's still technically a baby), how to decipher what 'aaai eeei you' means (translated: 'I see you') and how to sing the 'Baby Shark' song.

Discovering the 'Baby Shark' with my nephew has been one of our defining moments, excluding his birth and me permanently putting his name on my body. He loves to hear me sing and I love singing it to him - do things get any better? It also gives me a break from other things he wants to do. Hours can go by and this gem of a song doesn't get tired. When he wants me to sing it he mumbles 'doo doo doo doo' and then I take centre stage and grace him with my rendition of it.

So even though I will not be making a fool of myself on national television, I have a place, a very special place, where my voice and my superb performance of 'Baby Shark' are really appreciated.

Whoa, Man... (Part One)

Tue, 21 Jun 2011 12:00 +0200

Crack up with these embarrassing stories.

Hacked and Sacked
'I eyed this girl on campus for months before I finally got the nerve to talk to her. I created an excuse to ask her a question and then started chatting her up. I must have given off the vibe that I was interested because, right away, she dropped the bomb that she had a boyfriend. Bummed, but not discouraged, I got my computer-savvy friend to hack into her boyfriend's Facebook account and change his relationship status to 'single.' The girl must have flipped when she found out, because the next thing I heard, they'd gotten into a huge fight and broken things off. A few days later, I asked her about her boyfriend, totally playing it off like I had no idea they were through. When she told me what had happened, I offered to take her out for coffee to get her mind off the breakup. My plan worked, because after our little date, she came back to my room, and we hooked up.'
- Emmett*, 20

An Amusing Sermon
'From time to time, I do the readings at my church. Once, when it was my turn to go, I walked down the aisle and then up to the podium, but when I turned to face the congregation, I noticed a girl in the front row start giggling. I tried to shrug it off and focus on reading the passage, but when I looked up, I saw that even more people were smirking. Finally, I was so embarrassed that I stopped reading and looked down at my shirt to see if maybe there was something I'd spilled. It turns out, my belt had been pushed forward, creating a loop-like bump underneath my sweater. The entire time I'd been talking, it looked like I had a huge erection'
- Bob*, 26

Go-Getter Gaffe
'When I first started at my job, each of the entry-level employees was paired with an upper-level person who would act as a mentor. They made a huge deal about it and announced our partners in front of everyone at a big meeting. I thought that when they named mine, I'd say 'Let's do it!' to show how psyched I was to start the training programme and get in good with the person. When they said the name of my mentor, I pumped my fist and said my line. Only then did I realise that I was paired with a really hot woman, so it seemed like I was hitting on her. Everyone went silent, and she looked really uncomfortable. I tried to laugh it off, but things were really awkward between us for a while.'
- Michael*, 32

Kiss Them Goodbye
'My buddies and I were out at a bar, and there was this obnoxious couple in the corner making out in front of everyone. We tried dropping hints to get them to stop, but they kept sucking face conspicuously. It was grossing us out, so a group of us went over, knelt around them, flipped up our collars, and sang 'You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin' at the top of our lungs, like the guys in the scene from Top Gun. The couple finally pulled away from each other, the girl frowned, and they got up. We followed them as they walked, singing so loudly that we drove them out of the bar.'
- Frank*, 24

*Names have been changed

Hardcover High

Tue, 21 Jun 2011 12:00 +0200

There are weekdays that represent gloom and doom more than others. Monday is notorious for being that day and no matter how early I wake up or how challenging boot camp is on that day, I always feel a bit weighed down by the prospect of a Monday. For some, a silver lining to beat the post-weekend blues lies in being sent home early or getting to work and finding out that there's no electricity. Recently, my Monday had a silver lining of the best kind – a literary lining.

I arrived at the office to the news that the Exclusive Books Winter Sale was around the corner. Now every reader knows the joys that lie between the aisles of this shop. There are rows and rows of adventures waiting to be discovered, recipes waiting to be cooked, children's books waiting to be read to nephews and a host of other goodies that will make your brain sharper and your bookshelf more impressive. When I heard the book sale was being launched and some books were patiently waiting to be read, I rushed out, knowing there was a book out there that desperately wanted me to write my name on it. It so happens that the date the awaiting book wanted scribbled on its first page was this previous, oh-so-gloomy Monday.

The venue for the launch of the event that's on every avid reader's calendar was La Cucina di Ciro – a cosy Italian restaurant in Parktown North. The setting couldn't have been more perfect. This is the kind of place where I want to bring my book on a weekend and have a long, decadent lunch while I read. Wine, canapés and thousands of books made me forget two things: 1. That it's a Monday and 2. The fact that it's the week before pay day and my bank account is in a tragic state.

I know many girls that get this feeling when they're at a shoe shop (I'm one of them), but the feeling of intoxication (No, I didn't drink the wine) that swept over me for the hour or so that I was going through the books, judging their covers, reading the summaries and secretly smelling the pages is the best high I've had in a while.

So if you're anything like me or if you're one of those people that has a sorry looking bookshelf, do yourself a favour and head to Exclusive Books. The Winter Sale starts on the 30 June and will go on for about three weeks. If you don't get there soon, you may find that other Fanatics and I have taken all the happiness off the shelves. Here's to books and the many adventures that lie ahead – on our couches, on our beds and everywhere else where we can get lost in words.

Guys Own Up! (Part Two)

Thu, 09 Jun 2011 12:00 +0200

Let these guys entertain you with their embarrassing stories.

Getting The Shaft
'I live with two of my friends, and we like to play pranks on one another. We were having a party one night, and I decided to take a nap before people arrived because I hadn't slept at all the night before. When I woke up, the party had started, and I went downstairs to join the fun. I saw this girl whom I had a huge thing for, so I made my way over to talk to her. We were talking for a few minutes, and she kept looking at my forehead. Finally, I asked her what was wrong, and she said, 'Why do you have a drawing of a penis on your face?' My roommates had thought it would be funny to doodle on my forehead with a permanent marker while I was sleeping. I tried scrubbing it off, but it wouldn't go away. I spent the rest of the party locked in my bedroom, not wanting anyone to see the work of art on my head.'
- Peter*, 24

Warning: Pervert In The Park
'I took my girl for a picnic one evening at a local park. After we finished eating, we walked over to the playground. lt was dusk, and we figured no one would be coming to the park at that late hour, so we started hooking up on the swing set. I sat down, and she straddled me. We both had the majority of our clothes off when all of a sudden, we heard this little boy screaming, 'Mommy, there's a man attacking a lady!' My girlfriend jumped off me just in time for his mother to come running up. I guess they had decided to take a stroll, and the kid had run ahead. The mother grabbed her son, glared at us, and stormed off.'
- Ray*, 31

Bait and Ditch
'I had invited my girlfriend, Angela, to a local summer concert, but she said she wasn't interested and told me to bring one of my friends instead. A few nights later, I was out with a buddy and met this really hot girl, Tracy. We hit it off, and I asked her if she would go to the show with me. I told my girl that I was taking my friend because I knew she'd be jealous. At the concert, Tracy and I were having a great time when I got a call from Angela. She said she was at the concert and was waiting for me at the front entrance. Apparently, she felt bad about bailing on me and had bought a ticket to surprise me. I told Tracy that I had to go to the bathroom and I would be right back. When Angela asked where my friend was, I told her that he had bailed on me and I had come alone. I spent the rest of the concert trying to keep Tracy from seeing me. Because I had driven, I don't even know how Tracy got home. I felt bad for ditching her, but there was no way I could have let my girl find out I was with another woman.'
- Ben*, 27

Come Here Often?
'My best friend wanted to go to a seedy strip club for his birthday. I didn't tell my girlfriend because I knew it would upset her. When we got to the club, we were drinking, and my buddies thought it would be funny to buy me a lap-dance. While I was getting it, I looked across the club and saw my girlfriend's dad staring at me. When we made eye contact, he walked over and said, 'Is this the sort of place you frequent?' I left shortly after, and we never spoke a word about it. I think we were both mortified to be caught hanging out at that type of place.'
- Johnny*, 28

Ex-Squeeze Me, Ma'am
'I was walking across campus one day and saw my girl walking ahead of me in a very short miniskirt. She looked really good in it, and I couldn't resist sneaking up behind her and grabbing her tush. She turned around and slapped me extremely hard in the face and then started screaming at me. That's when I realised she wasn't my girlfriend, just some girl that looked remarkably like her from behind.'
- Nate*, 20

Waterworld: Part II
'I get nervous when I have to speak in front of large groups of people. During my last semester at university, I took a class where most of our marks depended on our final presentation in front of everyone. I was extra-nervous, because I needed a high mark and there were tons of cool girls in the class. During my speech, I felt really hot, but I reminded myself that I was probably the only one who noticed. I was so relieved when finished, and it seemed that everyone was riveted by what I said. When I sat down, my buddy leaned over to tell me that my speech was pretty boring, but that everyone was fascinated by the disgusting amount of sweat soaking through my shirt.'
- Dan*, 23

*Names have been changed

Guys Own Up! (Part One)

Thu, 09 Jun 2011 12:00 +0200

Let these guys entertain you with their embarrassing stories.

On the Rebound
'I had recently broken up with my girlfriend and knew a girl I liked would be at my university rugby game, so I went. As soon as I arrived, I made sure I got a seat in the stands by her group of friends. During the game, my friend and I were standing up and cheering. When our team scored a try, my friend gave me a big slap on the back. He didn't realise his own strength, and I ended up flying down the stand headfirst in front of everyone. Luckily, I didn't take anyone down with me. As soon as everyone realised I wasn't hurt, the entire crowd started laughing - including my crush. It took me a few weeks before I could even look at her again.'
- Bill*, 19

Head Butt
'I was dropping this girl off in front of her residence after our first date. Things had gone well, and I definitely planned on asking her out again. I walked her up to the entrance, and we talked before she went inside. I tried to go in for a kiss, but instead I smashed my head into hers, causing her to fall backward. Mortified, I helped her up. Somehow I'd knocked her in the eye, which wound up swelling shut for two whole days. The worst part was when I looked up and saw all of her friends staring at me through the upstairs window.'
- Vincent*, 21

Streak Accident
'I was out with a group of friends and made a bet with this gorgeous girl whom I really
liked. She was kind of a wild chick and only agreed to go out on a date if I streaked across the parking lot in front of everybody. I couldn't pass up the offer, so I stripped down to nothing and started running. I could hear everyone laughing and cheering me on. I must have been focusing too much on my friends because my running shoes caught on something on the cement, and the next thing I knew, I was skidding on the ground. Everyone came running over to see if I was okay. The only part of me that was hurt was my member, which suffered some serious pavement burn.'
- Joseph*, 18

I'm Reel Sorry!
'My ex was the daughter of my parents' friends. While we were dating, we lived together. We made an X-rated video together for fun, and after we broke up, she kept it and moved back home. A year after breaking up, she moved to another city. I guess her parents were going through her old stuff and came across our homemade movie, because they gave it to my parents and asked them to return it to me. My dad kind of laughed it off, but my mom started crying and said that even though I was a grown man, she'd never think of 'her little boy' the same way again.
- James*, 30

Twin Peaks
'My brother and I are identical twins, and almost no one can tell us apart. We were both at a party one night, and he took off early. After he left, this hot girl he'd been casually dating showed up. She was pretty drunk, and she mistook me for my brother. I decided to go with it, and we had amazing sex in the bathroom. I never told my brother, and she never figured it out.'
- Lewis*, 22

*Names have been changed

Older Girls' Night Out

Thu, 09 Jun 2011 12:00 +0200

Friday signals the beginning of the weekend for all of us. For some, this means drinks and a night of clubbing, but for me it usually means a night in with a great meal and some downtime. This past Friday it was a friend’s birthday, and I felt obliged to show up. Not being one who deviates from her normal routine too much, I told myself that showing my face for an hour would be enough. Armed with intentions of an early night and a to-do for Saturday morning, I headed to Melrose Arch. But, there’s something about a room full of people whose company you enjoy that makes an hour fly by. One of my friends said ‘Zam, if you have one glass of wine you won’t leave this place in an hour.’ After giving her the side-eye and gulping down some chardonnay, the journey to a night of alcohol- induced merriment began.

Somewhere between the third glass of wine and a trip to the girls’ bathroom, someone silly ordered tequila. Luckily I have the sense not to drink this vile stuff, but that common sense doesn’t extend to turning down blow jobs – that being the shooter, of course. I recall making a phone call to my boyfriend, telling him I would be home soon – 'soon' being a relative term because then the birthday boy decided that clubbing was in order and while I would normally say no, something (the wine and the drinks with rude names?) made me say yes. This was despite the fact that I was wearing hardly any makeup and Ugg boots. Normally, going out like this would really bug me, but this night, nothing could stop my fun.

My next memory is of waking up in the morning, feeling like I’d been run over by a steam train. Luckily, the next memory made me burst out laughing, numbing my hangover pain, even just for a few seconds. Some of the flash-backs I had included kissing my friend Nick’s belly button (who knows why), giving the birthday boy a lap dance (in my weak defence, we all did), dancing like maniacs with my friends and kicking some people off their VIP table. It was the most fun I’d had in a long time. And the fact that it was impromptu made it even more special.

What I failed to notice while I was at the club was that my friends and I were the 'old ladies'; the ones who are under-dressed and don't care what people think. I remember judging those women some years ago - not understanding why they were in the club in sneakers, tattered jeans and no make-up while I was in heels, a freakum dress and a fully painted face. That boozy Friday night taught me that as you grow older you change. Now, I was on the other side of the spectrum. I was under-dressed because the night wasn’t planned, and part of the reason I was having so much fun was because I was no longer nearly as self-conscious as I used to be. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a closet full of freakum dresses, I just know that they have no connection whatsoever to the amount of fun an evening might hold.

Eish, Dude! (Part 2)

Tue, 24 May 2011 12:00 +0200

Think you know embarrassing? Read on...

A Moment of Reflection
One day, while on the train, I noticed a girl across from me looking over as if she was interested. She was really good-looking, and she wouldn't stop staring, so I felt pretty confident that I could snag her number. I got up and started walking towards her. But as I got closer, I got the vibe that she didn't want me near her at all. In fact, she actually started moving away from me and looked in a different direction. I was pretty thrown off, but I just chalked it up to weird girl behaviour. When I turned to the door to get off, however, I saw my reflection in the window, and suddenly everything made sense. It turns out, I had a huge piece of snot hanging out of my nose.
- Darius*, 21

When the Boss Is Away...
I'd been looking forward to my boss's big business trip for months. After he left and put me in charge of the office, I took advantage of the situation. I called up a hot girl who I'd been flirting with and lured her to come over by promising her the 'work experience' of a lifetime. When she arrived at my building, I led her to my boss's office, closed the door and grinned. We started making out, and I lifted her up onto his desk and tore off her skirt. Then things really got going. I was thrilled that I'd gotten away with the session, but two days later, when my boss came back, he found a used condom on the carpet. He stormed out of his office, threw the condom at me, and yelled, 'You disgust me. You're fired!'
- Andy*, 24

Devil Dogs
At a crowded party one night, my friends and I decided to play a joke on one of our buddies. When he went to the bathroom, he left his cell phone on the table, so we snatched it and programmed my number in - I'd just gotten a new one, and my friend didn't have it saved, so we entered it under the name The Devil. When he came back and put his phone in his pocket, I discreetly dialled his number while my buddies and I waited for his reaction. He heard his phone ring and checked who was calling. When he saw the name that came up, his eyes darted around, and he appeared really nervous. My friends and I could hardly control our laughter. I ended the call, waited a minute, and did it again. This time, he looked even more freaked out, and the guys and I were in hysterics. We pulled the trick three more times before he caught on.
- George*, 30

Window Undressing
My roommates were gone for the weekend, and I was enjoying having the flat to myself. One afternoon, after taking a shower, I walked out of the bathroom without a towel. Since no one was home, I turned up the music and started dancing around and lip-synching in the mirror. Before long, I was dipping into some old-school running man moves and trying to moon-walk across my floor. I was having a ball until I looked out my window and saw three women pointing and laughing at me from the building across the street. Mortified, I immediately dropped to the ground and crawled over to my drawers to find a pair of boxers.
- Ruben*, 21

*Names have been changed

Eish, Dude! (Part 1)

Tue, 24 May 2011 12:00 +0200

Real guys 'fess up to some seriously awkward moments.

Room service?
I was on holiday with my girlfriend's family, and we'd been having a wild time, drinking and partying a lot. One night, after consuming way too much alcohol, I decided to sneak into my girlfriend's bedroom. As an added surprise, I wore a men's thong that I had bought as a sexy joke from a tourist shop. I crept into the dark room, shut the door, and started performing a striptease dance. But when I crawled into bed with her, she screamed, got up, and ran to flip on the light. That was when l realised that it was actually her mother who I'd just performed for.
- Jeremy*, 24

Great Balls of Fire!
After a rough football game I was really sore, so my super-sweet girlfriend offered to give me a sensual massage to relax my muscles. To maximise the effect, she used a balm that makes your skin very cold and then very hot. First, she told me to lie down on her bed, and then she removed my pants and boxers. She was rubbing me down, and the massage felt amazing. But while working on my upper leg, she stopped to apply more gel, and some of it dripped onto my private parts. After some initial numbness, my member suddenly felt like it was on fire! I jumped up and started hopping around, unable to handle the intensity of the sensation. I ended up having to reassure my girlfriend that it wasn't a big deal, but I haven't taken her up on another massage.
- Jay*, 23

Completely Trashed
I had been dating this girl for a little while and was really into her. One Friday night, I invited her out to a party that my friend was throwing. Things got pretty crazy, and I ended up drinking a lot throughout the evening. Eventually, I was feeling sick to my stomach and made a dash for the bathroom. But I didn't have time to make it there, so I threw up in the nearest garbage can. While I was barfing, I glanced up and saw her walk by. She looked totally disgusted and headed for the door. I really didn't want her to leave, so I grabbed her and tried to kiss her goodbye... even though I was still covered in puke. She caught a glimpse of me, shrieked, and shoved me away from her. We haven't gone out since.
- Vishal*, 24

Don't Bank On It
While filling out the application for an internship programme at a large corporate bank, I had to specify whether I was interested in trading or investing. I could have sworn I picked investing, so I studied up for weeks and went into the interview ready to knock their socks off. During the interview, I rattled off all my knowledge and even threw in a few lines about how I loved investing so much and how I thought trading absolutely sucked. I went on and on, until at one point, the interviewer interrupted me and said, 'You do realise that this is an interiew for a trading position, right?' I was completely tongue-tied and just stared back at him, shocked. Needless to say, I didn't get the job.
- Martin*, 21

*Names have been changed

A Fight With Winter

Thu, 02 Jun 2011 12:00 +0200

I don't know about you guys, but every year I go through cycles that have become quite boring. Every winter I get depressed and morph into a bear - the desire to do my hair disappears, I seem to lose my waxing lady's number and a razor is something I don't see unless the temperature is over 23 degrees. Gross as this is, it's what I've come to recognise as my winter personality. Winter also means weight gain, moaning about weight gain, and plotting how I will be svelte by spring. So, this year I decided to take on a new cycle, one that I hope will be less hairy and depressing than my usual one.

Step one: honouring my eyebrow and hair appointments. Step two: signing up for boot camp. I've done this before and loved the results. I also loved meeting exercise buddies and the feeling that only an endorphin rush can give you. Previously, camp was done in summer so it wasn't that hard. I'd also signed up for an evening class, so all I had to do was pack my gym gear into my car and I'd zip there after work.

This time around, I've signed up for morning classes. Yes, I know: talk about self-sabotage. Since I have a date with Oprah at 5.30pm, going to camp after work is no longer feasible, but the problem with mornings is that a) I'm not a morning person, b) it is dark at 6am c) it's freezing at 6am d) my bed is really warm and comfortable. Hauling my unfit self to camp this week is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Once I arrive at camp, I'm met with other women in layers of clothing looking about as miserable as I do. Knowing that I'm not alone in this struggle makes me feel better. This feeling lasts all of five minutes until we're made to run around the field for a warm-up. I run, but generally to the shops and my car and to the couch with my gin and dry lemon. This type of running doesn't affect a chest that has smoked too many cigarettes and a body that has done no exercise since December. Spluttering and breathing heavily, I manage to get through the hour-long session. I even manage to do the same the next day and the day after that.

Now, four days into boot camp I feel good. My thighs are sore, as are the backs of my arms, but I feel like I've achieved something. I've kept a promise to myself, and that's the best feeling of all. If I can conquer the monster that is morning boot camp and also manage not to become a bear this winter, I will have won a major personal battle. So here's to kicking the cold in the butt and coming out preened and toned by the time the summer sun makes a comeback.

Date Night For One

Thu, 26 May 2011 12:00 +0200

I'm a relationship girl. In fact, my sister claims that some people are born to be girlfriends or wives and I am apparently of that breed. I've been dating since I was 13, and it seems that after 14 years of fun, lessons, smiles and tears, I'm now a bona fide 'girlfriend.'

This past weekend my boyfriend went off to Mozambique. While one part of me was, like, 'I don't want you to go, boo-hoo' another part of me was more, 'Woo-hoo, I've got a date with myself!' If anyone had tried to tell me that you could go on a date with yourself a few years ago, I would have scoffed. But now, a little older and wiser (and knowing the levels of annoyance soccer and X-Box can bring into one's life), I was ecstatic.

I spent Friday afternoon fantasising about what I was going to wear (pyjama pants and a T-shirt), what I was going to eat (carbonara pasta with extra chilli and a stiff gin) and what I was going to do (watch reality TV, read and paint my nails). Now this is all stuff I do regularly but, to do it alone, with no one else there watching, made it all the more wonderful.

As I shovelled down a third helping of pasta while watching Basketball Wives, I realised what it is about solo date night that is so appealing. When you're single and eating toasted cheese sandwiches alone in your PJs almost every night, the idea of going out with a guy is exciting. There's all the dressing up to do, followed by flirting and maybe even a delicious goodnight kiss at the end. When you're living with your boyfriend, all you want is a pyjama night by yourself. It's all about wanting what you don't have.

But, after two days of date night became date weekend, the thrill started to subside. I'd changed my nail polish twice, gone out with my girlfriends and watched endless episodes of Kim and Kourtney Take New York. When my boyfriend finally came home, I was very happy to have another type of date night. While still in my pyjamas, I was now sitting with my best friend and lover, hearing all about his adventures and telling him about mine. Maybe not as exciting as a first date, and not as self-indulgent as date night alone, but better than both put together.

Boy Blunders: Part 2

Thu, 05 May 2011 12:00 +0200

Sex, lies and underpants – real guys reveal all.

Cocky Customer
'I was at the chemist picking up two packs of condoms. The guy behind the counter jokingly asked if I was planning on having a long night. I went on and on, telling him all the juicy details about how great a night it was going to be. We chatted for a while, and I told him a little bit about myself and that I attended university in the area. He went on to say he had a niece who went to the same university. About two weeks later I had a soccer game, and my girl and her family decided they wanted to see me play. Guess who showed up at the game? The guy who worked behind the counter - he is my girlfriend's uncle! I couldn't look him in the eye the entire night.'
- Michael*, 22

Busted By His Boxers
'I had a girlfriend but was hooking up with one of my co-workers on the side. She had no idea I was in a relationship, but after some snooping she found out, and had a huge fight. I assured her that she was the one I really wanted to be with but that things were complicated. We kept seeing each other for a few weeks, but I could tell she was getting fed up with being the other woman. One day after we had just finished hooking up our conversation got especially heated, and she told me she no longer wanted to see me. She got up and left the room, then came back a few minutes later with a bag of all the stuff I had left at her apartment. I was pissed off, so I went back to my girlfriend's place and decided to forget about it. Well, that sure as hell didn't happen, because that weekend my girlfriend came up to me with a basket of laundry she had been doing. Holding up a pair of my boxers, she asked 'What's this?' My co-worker had taken a permanent marker and written "Marissa was here" and "Jason loves Marissa" on the waistbands of all the underwear I had left there.'
- Jason*, 28

Noisy Nooky
'I run a lot and, as a result, I ended up with tendonitis in both knees. I have a prescription for extra strength Ibuprofen to reduce the swelling. One weekday, I was working and unable to pick up the medicine, so my mom offered to get it for me. When I finally got home, my girl surprised me with a quick visit before she went out of town. We ended up getting it on in my bedroom, and then the doorbell rang. Angrily, I put on my clothes to answer the door. It was my mom. She called me out to the patio and, while laughing, said, "Guess your knees weren't that swollen? You might want to tell your lady friend to turn it down. I can hear her from outside."
- Bruce*, 23

Liar, Liar!
'I was hitting on this girl at a bar one night, and in my lame attempt to impress her, I pretended I was going to the local university to become a marine biologist. It turns out that she was in the same programme at the same university that I had lied about being in. She asked how I liked Professor Boyle, and I responded, "Oh, he's great. Definitely the smartest guy I know." She gave me a funny look and told me that the professor is a woman. She totally caught me in the lie, and my chances with her were shattered!
- Thabo*, 28

*Names have been changed

When In Cannes

Thu, 19 May 2011 12:00 +0200

When we were told we’d be jetting off to Cannes to cover the 64th Annual Cannes Film Festival, we couldn’t possibly have been more excited.

Get your hands on the August issue of COSMOPOLITAN and find out what went down on the red carpet, who we met (and drooled over) and what to expect if you decide to plan a trip to the French Riviera. Trust us, it’s worth a visit. Just take a look at these snaps…

*A big thank you must go out to Glacéau Vitamin Water who sponsored us on this trip. You truly showed us a wonderful time!*

Boy Blunders: Part 1

Thu, 05 May 2011 12:00 +0200

That's nothing... listen to this!

Dating Disaster
'I was meeting a girl for dinner one evening, and she showed up extremely intoxicated. We carefully made our way to the table in the packed restaurant. During the meal, I looked down to cut a piece of my steak, and when I looked up, she wasn't in front of me anymore. I looked around the restaurant for her, but she was gone. I figured she'd bailed on me and signalled for the waiter to bring the bill. Then I heard a coughing noise coming from under the table - it was my date, head between her legs in the crash position, puking her guts out. Everyone in the entire place was staring at me like I was some arsehole who was trying to get my date wasted.'
- Max*, 31

E-Humiliation
'I was giving a virtual presentation to a number of high-profile executives. They logged in to my PC and could see my screen while I spoke on the conference call. My name is Chris, and one girl in my office had begun to affectionately refer to me as Chrissy. During the meeting, a message popped up on my desktop that read "Hi, Chrissy!" Slightly mortified, but thinking little harm had been done, I e-mailed her when the meeting was on intermission and told her of her mistake. When the meeting began again, she replied by e-mail, with this notification popping up: "Now they all know you're secretly a girl!" That was followed by a guy named Peter sending me an e-mail that read "You forgot to wake me up this morning!" Peter is my brother, but I doubt the executives knew that.'
- Chris*, 25

Girlie Man
'I was dating this girl, and one Saturday, she offered to take me to the movies. Since it was her idea, she offered to pay and said she would choose the flick. I guess I should have seen right through that one, because we ended up going to see the girliest movie I could possibly imagine. We got inside, and I was getting comfortable, preparing to fall asleep... but to my surprise, it turned out to be an okay movie. I had gotten pretty into it when things took a turn for the worse on screen, and I became super-emotional. I looked to my left, and the woman sitting next to me was bawling big time. So I looked to see how my girl was reacting, and she was sitting there calm as all hell, like we were watching a basketball game or something! I tried to save face, but I couldn't help it and ended up breaking down. She gave me this disgusted look, and I was so embarrassed that I broke things off with her after that.'
- Joel*, 22

Raunchy Revise
'My girlfriend and I went to Onrus over Easter to visit my brother and his wife. My girl brought along COSMO to read and came across an article about what guys like and don't like. Feeling flirtatious, she passed me the article and had me circle the tips I wanted her to try out on me. I also noted extra moves I've been craving in the bedroom. Forgetting about the "editing" I'd done, my girlfriend decided to give the COSMO to my sister-in-law, who also loves the magazine. She then showed it to my brother, and they had a field day making fun of my sexual notations. My brother still won't let me live it down. That was the last time I'll ever edit COSMO for my girlfriend!'
- Jackson*, 20

Not So Pumped Up
'One night while I was out clubbing, I convinced this super-hot girl to come hang out with me at my apartment. We headed to my bedroom and started really getting into it when she had to run to the bathroom. When she returned, she was laughing hysterically and holding a penis pump my friends had gotten me as a joke. I guess I had forgotten about it and left it sitting out.'
- Chad*, 24

*Names have been changed

Keep Them Coming

Thu, 28 Apr 2011 12:00 +0200

Guys continue to confess their embarrassing and oh-so-dodgy stories.

Cousin a Commotion
'My girlfriend's parents were away for the weekend, and they asked her to watch the house while they were gone. Her protective older cousin happened to be in town the first night of their holiday, so he stayed at their place. When he fell asleep, I came over. My girlfriend and I decided to sit on the swing outside, and we started hooking up. We got really into it, and I slipped off my pants. Just then, we heard a loud snapping sound and the swing broke! All the noise woke her cousin, and he came running out to see what had happened. When he found me lying on top of my girlfriend with my pants down around my ankles, he was furious and called her parents. They banned me from their house for three months.'
- Rob*, 19

Nudist In The Neighbourhood
'I had been with this girl for about two years when we moved in together. I usually don't get home from my job until late, but one night I was able to leave work early to surprise her. I came home, walked upstairs to our room, and found her in bed with another guy. I was livid, so I threw all of his clothes out the window, and they landed in the branches of a tree. Then I went ballistic on both of them. The guy was so terrified that he ran out of our house in the nude. I promptly called the police and told them that a naked man was frolicking around our neighbourhood. They quickly found the guy and arrested him for indecent exposure.'
- Scott*, 33

Nothing But The Tooth
'While I was travelling around Ireland with two buddies, I fell out of a bunk bed in a hostel and knocked out one of my front teeth. We were catching an early flight home the next day, so I didn't bother seeing a dentist. That night, we went to a local pub for a couple of drinks. When we got there, we went straight to the bar and saw some super attractive girls sitting in a corner by themselves. My friends wanted to hit on them, but I was reluctant because I figured they would take one look at my scary grin and run for the hills. They promised they'd do all the talking, but after we sat down next to the girls and bought them drinks, my boys got up to use the bathroom, leaving me alone with them. I panicked and tried to carry on a conversation by simply nodding, but eventually, I had to say something. As soon as I opened my mouth, the girls cringed and grew silent. I was really embarrassed and made sure to get my tooth fixed as soon as I got home.'
- Josh*, 24

Temptation Island
'My girlfriend and I went to Jamaica for a week-long holiday. One day, we took a boat out to a little island. After a few hours of hanging out on the beach, we wanted to get some action. Since there were lots of people around, we decided to wade out into the sea to have a little fun. We found a secluded spot, and I started to grind against my girlfriend. Suddenly, we heard screams and turned around to see an old lady frantically pointing at us and yelling, "Oh my goodness, those two sickos are having sex!" We stopped immediately and quickly swam back to shore. Apparently, the woman told the lifeguard, and he reprimanded us in front of a large group of people. To make matters worse, we then had to take the boat back with the same woman. She kept giving us dirty looks the whole way. After that, my girlfriend and I kept our loving in the hotel room.'
- Brian*, 27

*Names have been changed

The Road Less Travelled

Wed, 04 May 2011 12:00 +0200

This past weekend could have gone one of two ways: bring out the tie-die for AfrikaBurn Festival in the Karoo or the leather for the Harley Davidson Africa Bike Week in Margate. The former would ordinarily be a more obvious choice for me, but with ‘road less travelled’ conviction, I decided on the latter. Close on 180 000 visitors made their way to the South Coast town to listen to great bands, including Van Coke Kartel and Prime Circle, show off their metal machines (sorry, I couldn’t resist) and celebrate all things biker-related. This is what I learnt:

The Strokes’ new album Angles is good.
I shared a lift with three-quarters of Die Heuwels Fantasties on the way down to Margate from King Shaka International Airport, a normally one-and-a-half-hour trip that took close on three due to traffic. Thankfully, the boys had brought along great music loot in the form of Angles, The Strokes’ latest offering. Rock-rich and rewarding, this album, while not their best, will reveal itself after a few listens.

…but all good things come to an end.
The album ended and we turned on the radio. Whitney Houston’s ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody’ started playing and we all sang along. (Sidenote: Have you seen the movie Almost Famous, where a young writer for Rolling Stone magazine goes on tour with a '70s rock band? Remember the cool scene in the tour bus where they all start singing along to 'Tiny Dancer'? It was like that. Only so not. Whitney Houston is not cool. Neither are we, it would seem.)

Biker festivals feel like new-age Viking gatherings.
At least, at night they do. We arrived to a huge crowd of leather-wearing, beer-swigging, butt-slapping, loud-laughing revellers. A jovial, inoffensive bunch that were clearly enjoying the camaraderie of the clan gathering. There was little to do but join in. Which we did. Minus the butt slapping.

The revving of Harley engines in the morning isn’t the worst way to wake up.
If you haven’t gone to sleep 45 minutes before, that is.

The Harley Davidson crew sure know how to swag.
There are heaps of market stores that snake along the Margate beachfront where you can get absolutely anything to accessorise your bike, your look or your body. Being part of the Harley crew means being part of a clan - but not to the extent that your individuality is lost. How you dress your bike and yourself is what keeps you from becoming biker wallpaper.

There are hundreds of ways to wear a bandanna.
As a neck scarf, a head cover, a hair tie, a wristband….

Riding on the back of a Harley for the first time is exactly and nothing at all what you would expect.
You’ll likely give into the clichés and describe it as ‘exhilarating’ and ‘powerful’. Because that’s exactly what it is. I have no need for speed in my life, and have never actively sought out a ride on the back of anything, but I absolutely loved the half-hour trip I took sitting abreast a beast of a bike. Relinquishing control to an advanced rider, but never my tight hold around his waist, I kept my mind and eyes open as we made out way down the coast.

There’s value in the road less travelled.
Biker festivals are not the normal stomping ground for most of the COSMO sect. The crowd is slightly older, but are no less colourful than any other. They seem slightly harder but are the biggest softies you’ll meet. And while you’ll expect AC/DC to be blaring from their sound systems, it’s more likely you’ll hear Gaga. Expect the unexpected.

Confessions Continued

Thu, 28 Apr 2011 12:00 +0200

Dudes tell us their dodgy deeds...

Steam Scream
'I joined a gym, and after my first workout, I decided to relax in the sauna. The place was under renovation, and I didn't see any signs that designated which changing area was the men's, so I asked a guy who was leaving the gym and he told me where it was. I walked into the locker room, took off my clothes, and strode into the sauna with a towel wrapped around my waist. I sat down and, to my surprise, was face-to-face with a topless girl! She freaked out and started screaming. I realised that I had inadvertently gone into the women's locker room, so I jumped up and ran out of the sauna to grab my clothes and then went into the other locker room to get dressed. On my way out, the guy at the front desk confronted me. I tried to explain the mishap, but I guess the woman put up a fuss, because he kicked me out of the club on charges of inappropriate behaviour.'
- Sam*, 30

Bad Medicine
'I am an administrative assistant to the chief-of-staff at a hospital. One summer I had to work alongside his teenage daughter. She was a spoiled brat who always showed up late, and l would have to cover for her. On top of that, she brought her cell phone everywhere and I could overhear her conversations. When she called her friend and said she just swiped some prescription pills from a storage cabinet, I decided it was time for her to get the boot. After she stepped out to go to the bathroom, l cut a slit in the bottom of her book bag. Later, when she picked up her bag to leave for the day, a bunch of trial-size packets fell out onto the floor... in front of her dad and several doctors. She was fired on the spot, and I never had to put up with her again!'
- Greg*, 29

In The Neck Of Time
'My girlfriend, Nicole, and I went to different universities that were two hours away from each other, so she always complained that we never spent enough time together. One night, we got into a bad fight because she wanted me to skip a weekend with friends to go and see her. I was pissed off after our spat, so I went to a bar where I ran into a pretty girl who lives down the hall. I went back to her room, and we had a hardcore make-out session. When I returned to my place, Nicole called me and said how sorry she was. She insisted that she wanted to drive down and see me that night. Two hours later, she knocked on my door, but when I got up to let her in, I looked in the mirror and saw I had a huge purple hickey on my neck! Before I opened the door, I turned off the lights and shut the curtains. When she walked into the room, I said I wanted to make things up to her by having passionate sex. When we started messing around, I asked her to kiss my neck. The next morning, Nicole thought the hickey was from her.'
- Marcus*, 22

*Names have been changed

'Oh yes you did...!'

Thu, 14 Apr 2011 12:00 +0200

Parent Trap

'I had been dating Megan for a year when her parents invited me to go with them on a family trip. We booked two adjacent hotel rooms, and since the smaller room had only one bed, her parents let Megan and me sleep in the bigger one with two beds. On the first night, Megan's very conservative father pulled me aside and told me that sleeping in the same bed with his daughter wasn't an option. While I was getting ready to go to sleep, I looked through my stuff and saw that the porter had left one of Megan's father's suitcases in our room. The lights were off in her parents' room, so I figured they had fallen asleep and decided not to wake them. A couple hours later, Megan and I started messing around, and her dad suddenly walked in, looking for his bag! He was furious and insisted that I share a room - and a bed - with him for the remainder of the holiday.'
- Eddie*, 18

Do-Me Decimal System

'A few months ago, I met a girl in my chemistry class at university, and we really hit it off. We had an exam coming up, so we decided to meet in the library to study. Her mom was the librarian, and she let us stay late and told us to go out the back door when we wanted to leave. Well, we started fooling around and ended up going at it in almost every aisle. About a week later, the dean pulled us into his office and showed us a videotape of two people having sex all over the library. We both turned red and signed papers agreeing that if we ever did that again, we would be kicked out of university.'
- Luke*, 22

Gonorrhea With The Wind

'I told my girlfriend that I wanted to cool things down because "I needed to find myself." Once I was free, I started dating a bunch of different girls, but every time my ex would check in on me, I assured her I wasn't seeing anyone new. One afternoon, I got a call from a girl I was messing around with, and she told me she had gonorrhea. I flipped out and made an appointment with a doctor, only to discover that I didn't have it. Apparently, my ex saw me out with someone else and paid one of my flings to lie to me.'
- Philip*, 28

*Names have been changed

Easter Fever

Thu, 21 Apr 2011 12:00 +0200

I’ve been doing a countdown – days ticked off my calendar, watching people get excited about the break and planning mini-holidays in quaint towns. I’m not quite sure how, but Easter is upon us. In my head, it seems like not so long ago that we were celebrating New Year Eve and making resolutions that we had no real intention of implementing. So where did the days go?

The weeks leading up to this much-needed break have been filled with work, work and more work. Admittedly, sometimes discussing different shades of nail polishes constitutes work, working in the COSMO office is fast-paced and guarantees that one seldom has a dull moment. And a mixture of the change of season, a heavy work-load and, of course, time-consuming holiday fantasies meant that the last two weeks have left me feeling exhausted – I imagine, not unlike most people in the world.

While daydreaming about my holiday, one of the highlights was switching off my Blackberry. No emails, no bbms, no noise. While I was still smiling at the thought of that, I realised that I better get everything done before my great escape. So, instead of sleeping in until my alarm screeched for the fifth time, I somehow mustered enough discipline and strength to wake up way before sunrise, make my way to the office and drink copious amounts of coffee while I worked. Usually this wouldn’t happen - extra work is usually done in the comfort of my pyjamas, so this was a huge leap for me.

Since all of this newfound disciplined was borne of holiday fantasies, I realised why this break is so important. Four months into the not-so-new year, we all need a bit of time to calm down and reflect. So much has happened since the first of January - a lot more than we give ourselves credit for. First of all we’ve managed to survive up until this point. Then, whether we realise it or not, we’ve grown in small but significant ways, whether it's been mastering the art of getting up earlier learning to change a tyre. And since we’ve grown, then we must (in the words of Charlie Sheen) be winning.

So as you celebrate Easter with your friends, family and those randoms that occasionally pop in during big holidays, give yourself a pat on the back – you’ve lived, laughed, cried, danced and left your print on the first quarter of 2011.

Real-Life Confessions

Wed, 13 Apr 2011 12:00 +0200

Boys 'fess up to their boo-boos...

Backstage Booty

'My girlfriend and I went to the theatre and were bored, so we decided to spice things up. During the second act, we wandered to the back and found a private area behind some curtains. We started getting busy, but in the middle of our hookup session, we bumped into a stack of chairs and they fell with an enormous crash. We tried to get out of there as fast as we could, but a security guard stopped us. Apparently, the commotion had brought the play to a stop. He asked us if we knew where the noise had come from. We just said no and ran.'
- Elijah*, 30

Erotic Equation

'At university, my friend Alex* and I had a crush on Susan*, this really hot girl. After Alex and Susan started dating, I happened to get a job tutoring Susan's younger brother in Maths. One weekend, I went to Susan's family's house for a tutoring session, and while her little brother was working on some equations in the kitchen, I headed upstairs to use the bathroom. Just as I reached the top step, Susan stepped out of the bathroom and walked into her bedroom wearing nothing but a towel. She gave me a naughty look and motioned for me to come into her room, where we had a quickie. When we were finished, I got dressed and went downstairs, and Susan's mom came home to pay me. I felt guilty about taking the money, but I was afraid she'd be suspicious if I didn't.'
- Shaun*, 22

Last Gasp

'Right before graduation, a good friend told me that my girlfriend of three years was cheating on me, so I decided to confront her at our residence's end-of-the year blowout party. At the beginning of the night, I asked her about it, but she denied everything. I could tell by her eyes and the tone of her voice that she was lying, which made me even angrier. I waited until the party got really crowded, then I paid the DJ to let me have the microphone. I told everyone that I had an important announcement to make. When the room grew silent, I said my girlfriend was a sleazy cheater who farts in bed. She ran out of the room crying and was so humiliated that she didn't even show up for the graduation ceremony.
- Leonard*, 24

Tear Jerker

'There's this gorgeous girl who lives in my flat block. I finally worked up the nerve to ask her out, but on the morning of our date, my dog died. I was really upset, but I wanted to go out with her, so I went anyway. I took her to the movies, and there was a dog in the film that bore an eerie resemblance to my recently deceased pet. By the middle of the movie, I had started to cry and couldn't stop. My date definitely noticed, and I had no idea what to do. Afterwards, we said an awkward good night, and I never heard from
her again.'
- Greg*, 32

*Names have been changed

The End Of a Love Affair

Thu, 14 Apr 2011 12:00 +0200

Summer is almost over. To use a relationship metaphor, summer and I are at that point when you’re a step-and-a-half away from a break up: when the phone calls stop and every conversation turns into a fight, and where sex becomes a vain attempt to find one another, but all you actually encounter is soul-numbing nothingness. That’s where summer and I are. Every morning, for the past two weeks, has been a battle. I wake up to grey skies, and the bathroom tiles now have an icy sting that is much like a soon-to-be ex-lover’s deafening silence. I get dressed, armed to battle cold winds, but then at midday the sun comes out, making me look and feel like an idiot – though grateful for a bit of sunshine (like that 'I love you' text from the boyfriend you know will be an ex in two weeks).

Now that winter is around the corner, I feel it may be time to embark on a new relationship. This is very daunting because every year since I turned three (slight exaggeration perhaps) I’ve been depressed by this season. I morph from a fun-loving, smiling and eager-to-dress-up girl to a bear-creature who resembles a bag lady. There was a time when I justified my winter depression with monologues about my African heritage and how I was born for the sun. But the fact that I experience these winters in Africa ruins my theory somewhat, and makes me sound more than a little silly.

Now, as I head into my 27th winter, I’m hoping that years of experience and a bit of optimism will make this dreaded season less painful. I’m hoping that red wine, curry, lots of books and maybe a pretty coat or two will turn this winter into the comfortable stage of a relationship: that place where nights are spent under the covers watching re-runs and having lazy sex instead of the rush of making out for hours on end in restaurants. This may not be the most exciting part of a relationship, but it definitely isn’t an unpleasant one. With the right kind of movies, socks and boyfriend, this time can translate to lots of low-key fun.

So, as I collect bottles of red wine, the phone numbers of every curry restaurant within a 10km radius and a winter stash of books, I go into this season with a smile - maybe not a bright one but a smile nonetheless. I’m hoping that just this once I don’t become the sad version of myself that winter reduces me to. I’m hoping that I can wear eyeliner, shave my legs regularly and manage to not scare my boyfriend into thinking I’m about to commit suicide. So while I say goodbye to the sexy, fun lover that is summer, I say hello to my not-so-exciting but necessary man-friend - winter.

'No, you didn't...!'

Mon, 11 Apr 2011 12:00 +0200

Acid Trip
'I was chatting with a few of my male co-workers about my crazy university days and all the dumb stuff I'd pulled when I was younger. One of the girls who worked on my floor came in to get me to sign something. I felt bad that she'd walked in while everyone was slacking off in my office and she was hard at work, so I tried to include her in the conversation by, jokingly saying 'Amy*, want to take some acid after work?' She got a disgusted look on her face and stormed off. The next day, Amy came into my office and said that she couldn't believe how inappropriate I had been the day before. I was totally baffled and asked her what she meant. She said, 'You asked me if I wanted to shake my ass after work.' She didn't believe me when I tried to explain what I'd really said, and she's hated me ever since.'
- Russell*, 34

A Ring Thing
'I sit in a cubicle next to this obnoxious co-worker, Wendy*, who listens to the radio really loudly all day long. I asked her to turn it off, because I couIdn't concentrate with Enrique Iglesias constantly blaring in my ear. She said she would, but a few days later, it was back on and more deafening than ever. I didn't want to go to my boss about it, but I had to. She, too, asked Wendy to shut off her music, and she did... for about two days. Finally, Wendy programmed her cell phone to play 'Oops!...I Did It Again' every time it rang, just to piss me off. So, one day when she left for lunch and forgot to take her cell with her, I threw it out the window. She never figured out what happened to it.'
- Jack*, 32

The Final Cut
My dad's girlfriend and her son, Karl*, who's my age, moved in with us last year. I had to share a room with Karl, and we didn't get along at all. Soon after the merger, some of my CDs, DVDs, and clothes started to disappear. One night, I actually caught Karl stealing my new hat, but I decided not to say anything. Since he was really proud of his long ponytail, because he thought it helped him get girls - I had a better idea about how to get back at him. The next morning, while he was fast asleep after a long night of partying, I cut off his precious ponytail. While I was at it, I got carried away and snipped off as much of the rest of his hair as I could without waking him. He was furious when he woke up. I just told him he could use my hat to cover up his ugly new do.'
- William*, 20

Dr. Feel Good
'I'm a medical student, and I was supervising a study in which all the female participants had to stay at this centre for seven days so we could monitor them. One of the women was really hot, and we flirted a lot at the beginning of the week. By the fourth day of the study, she was getting cabin fever from being cooped up with a bunch of chicks, and she started coming onto me. So that night when my co-worker was on his break, I led her into one of the examining rooms, and we got busy on the table. l guess the results of that study aren't quite accurate, since the number one rule was that the participants couldn't have sex during the trial.'
- George*, 27

*Names have been changed

Behind-The-Scenes Kinda Gal

Thu, 07 Apr 2011 12:00 +0200

I love photo shoots - the lights, the rails of beautiful clothes and shoes immaculately lined up, the makeup – the entire production is exciting. And what I love most of all about shoots is that I’m usually behind the scenes. I’m the girl in jeans and a vest with no makeup on who is eating pizza and jamming to whatever music is blaring from the stereo. I’m also the girl who is asking the people in front of the camera lens to smile more, lift their chins, jump three metres into the air and a series of other seemingly reasonable requests.

But last week I had to be in front of the camera. Initially, I was excited: who doesn’t want professional pictures taken of themselves? For days I stalked Lilian, our Junior Fashion Editor, demanding to know exactly out what she planned to dress me in. I also promised to give her my first born-child if she made sure that I looked as skinny as possible and that I’d be in the tallest, most expensive shoes that she could lay her hands on. I even did a few sit-ups in the vain hope that months of non-stop pasta-eating would be rectified in a few days, and performed practice poses in front of the mirror. After all, how hard can it be really?

The big day arrived and I was still picturing myself striking my best model pose. After being in the make up chair for over 30 minutes, I headed to Lilian to see what my kit would be. There’s something almost sacred about beautiful clothes waiting for you to put them on. After trying a few options I had that moment where the heavens open up because you feel so freaking sexy.

But, when the time came to do the deed, the nerves kicked in with a vengeance. I was awkward up there. Gone were the wise-cracks and diva-esque attitude. Every time someone told me to smile, I wanted to cry. I tried explaining that I don’t quite like the way my nose crinkles when I smile. Then, I was told that I’m blinking too much, and the dress that made me feel super-sexy just minutes ago now made me feel like I was showing off too much booty. I remembered all the times when I rolled my eyes at girls that were struggling to smile, not realising that this stuff is hard work…and I don’t like standing in heels for longer than three minutes at a time.

Eventually I got into the swing of things, stopped trying to look perfect and focused more on having fun. I smiled because Lilian was making me laugh, posed because I knew there was a packet of hot chips waiting for me on the other end and I decided to be playful and make it fun because who knows when my next shoot will be? The final product was some pictures of me looking a very well-dressed crack-head with half open eyes, and others of me looking fun and fearless. All in all I had a blast, wore pretty clothes but I think I’ll go back to where I belong – behind the scenes with a slice of pizza in my hand.

Guys Confess

Fri, 11 Mar 2011 12:00 +0200

From revenge tactics to rude awakenings, read what these guys did...

Prude Awakening
'I asked out one of my roommate's friends, but she told me she wasn't interested. Normally, I'd just let it go, but she blabbed to everyone about how she'd shot me down, and they gave me a lot of flack for it. So I waited a few months, acted really nice toward her, and let it blow over. Then I called her and said I wanted to set her up with a friend. I told her he was a really smart, good-looking, all-around great guy that I knew she'd be attracted to, and she was totally up for it. But instead of fixing her up with a cool guy, I sent one of my really immature friends, Jeremy, out with her. She called me the next day, furious. Apparently, Jeremy downed three bottles of sake by himself at dinner, started drunkenly pawing her, and then called her a prude and stormed off when she refused to hook up with him.'
- Chris*, 28

Bunny Boiler
'During my second year of university, this annoying girl in one of my classes got all Fatal Attraction on me. She'd flirt with me every time we ran into each other, though I never reciprocated. She found my e-mail on the class list and bombarded me with questions about assignments and test dates, and she even started getting chummy with some of my friends and telling them I had a huge crush on her. So, to exact my revenge, I created a fake e-mail address using her name and sent obscene e-mails that propositioned sex to some of our "mutual" friends. Well, my buddies were totally freaked out by the raunchy e-mails and stopped speaking to her. They'd actually turn and walk in the opposite direction when they saw her. She couldn't figure out why everyone was avoiding her, but since no one in my crowd would help her get to me anymore, she set her sights on some other unlucky dude.'
- Ben*, 23

Room With a Hugh
'It was the first day of university winter holidays, and the second I got home, I went over to my girlfriend's house. Her parents were on holiday, so I decided to surprise her by showing up Hugh Hefner-style in nothing but a robe and slippers. The door was open, and I could see her sitting in the living room, so I walked right up to her and dropped the robe. That's when I heard sniffling behind me. I turned around and saw her mother and aunt on the other side of the room, crying. Apparently, my girlfriend's great-uncle had just died, and her parents had cut their trip short to come back for the funeral. Her mother got a front-row view of my stuff, and to this day, she still can't look me in the eye.'
- Simon*, 21

*Names have been changed

From Maputo With Love

Thu, 31 Mar 2011 12:00 +0200

Not only is it ideal for couples, but Maputo has the kind of safety and entertainment options that make it ideal for a girls' weekend away.

Travelling is a staple on most people’s list of things they love to do. And travelling when you don’t have to pay for it is a bonus that comes around only so often and should be enjoyed to the max. I was recently invited to Mozambique to check out the newly refurbished Polana hotel. The hotel, which lies in the heart of Maputo, has been around since 1922 and, thanks to its beautiful architecture and modern face lift, has morphed into a luxurious haven in the midst of a bustling city full of rich culture.

We arrived in Maputo on a Friday evening and got straight to the business of having a good time. Since an evening without cocktails is a wasted evening, five other invitees and I took in the ocean views while sipping on Cosmos and Mojitos. Dinner was served in a separate dining room at Delagoa, making us feel extremely VIP. Our meal was prepared by 2* Michelin Chef Edouard Loubet. Since I’m not one to shy away from good food, I was delighted at the endless courses that arrived at our table. Never, in one sitting, have I eaten so many scrumptious dishes. By the time the trio of chocolate desserts came to our table, I felt compelled to take my belt off because I was too full to worry about whether my outfit still looked perfect. The dinner also gave us time to get to know each other – there’s something about the combo of good food and wine that makes everyone eager to mingle.

After a few more cocktails, most of us were ready to head back to our rooms, a charming mixture of colonial décor and luxurious modern touches. Our over-fed bellies made us sleep soundly, surrounded by the thick air that sensually envelopes the city of Maputo... bliss.

WHIRLWIND SATURDAY
Saturday morning was a rush of activity as we were given a tour of the city. Maputo’s architecture makes you feel like you’re in another era. One of my favourite tour stops was the weekly market. The Dana Tour bus made us immediate targets at the Mercado do Povo because, at a marketplace, everyone loves tourists. Being swarmed by boys and men and boys, all promising to give me a discount, didn’t phase me – the prospect of shopping made this market the most interesting place on earth. Considering that it was over 30 degrees outside, walking around and looking at different artefacts, jewellery and African cloths made our skins glow and become a shade darker – I felt like I’d been away from Jo’burg for much longer than a day.

After we’d negotiated our way past earrings and handbags, paintings and fabrics, we made our way to museums and other popular tourist sites. One of the things that stood out through our daytime travels was that no matter how packed or how dingy some of the places were, I always felt safe. The salesmen (even though they came in groups) always had a friendly, non-threatening way about them. For a moment it made me sad to think about how much of a mental game plan I have to adopt when travelling around the streets of downtown Jozi. In Maputo, there was no need to always be checking my bag to see if my wallet was still there.

When we eventually got back to our hotel, famished and satisfied with our sightseeing, we headed to the Aquarius Sushi Terrace at the Polana. We were served the freshest sushi I’ve ever eaten and, after going through various platters, we spent hours enjoying the giant swimming pool at the hotel. Girl-talk and cocktails took centre stage as we allowed our bodies to fully relax.

After hours at the pool it was time to eat (again!), put on our highest heels and check out the nightlife of Maputo. We were warned that most clubs don’t close until 10am because if there’s one thing Mozambicans have perfected (aside from great hospitality and the best seafood ever) it’s partying.

UNTIL THE WITCHING HOUR
Our first stop was a club called Kampfumo. Located at the CFM train station, this club is a melting pot of age groups, races and as many genres of music as you can imagine. Armed with drinks and the desire to see how the Mozambicans party, we hit the dance floor and found ourselves shimmying with locals and tourists wearing all the local fashion. When the DJ played some Malaika hits, the South Africans came to life. The impeccably styled David Tlale got the crowd dancing and the excitement levels went up a few notches. After a few hours at Kampfumo, we moved to where the cool kids of Maputo hang out, the Ice Bar. This club was reminiscent of many high-end Johannesburg clubs: no flat shoes, and lots of sleek-looking women wearing the shortest of designer dresses. The major difference was that the Mozambican girls take over the dance-floor, and their short dresses don’t stop them performing some of the most sexual dance moves I’ve ever seen. After about an hour of just staring at these mesmerising women, we simply had to join in.

The party moved downstairs to another club, The Lounge, and it was as if we’d moved to a completely different place. The dress code was laid-back, the music was up-tempo dance and an empty pool was the most popular chilling spot. A few cocktails made it very easy for us to join in the fun. Hours whizzed by and it was 5am before we knew it. The club was showing no signs of slowing down and some people were still coming in. I realised that I’m not quite the party animal I used to be, and eventually retreated to bed.

PAMPER FEST
Sunday required downtime and, luckily for us, the Polana has a spa. We went to the Maisha Spa and for the first time I got a full body massage from a man. Before this experience I’d heard people speaking about ‘happy endings’ and all sorts of other dodgy things that happen when massages are given by people of the opposite sex. That wasn’t enough to deter me though because really, who doesn’t want a fully-body rub-down from a pair of nice, manly arms?

I stripped down and lay there feeling a tad self-consciousness. The man was doing his job, but when someone has their man hands on your bum, it’s hard not to feel a bit weird. I eventually succumbed to the good feelings and didn’t even flinch when it was time for me to turn over, exposed breasts and all. I felt relaxed and just a little bit naughty by the time I took a cab to a restaurant called Casa Da Sol.

The cab drive reminded me of Johannesburg in that the driver was trying to rob us blind. Little did he know that living in Jo’burg for 27 years will make you a tough customer. The streets of Maputo were more packed than they were on Saturday. People were hanging out along the beach front, some selling food, others blaring music from their boots. There was a festive mood in the air and, according to the locals this is what every Sunday is like.

After eating an assortment of fresh seafood served with a peri-peri sauce that puts Nandos to shame, it was time to head back to the hotel. A new friend and I had a hard time finding a cab, so our Jo’burg 'hustler spirit' made us quite excited at the prospect of finding a random taxi to drive us back – at a price, of course. He was playing Durban kwaito in his car which was really exciting. If SA culture is making its way to Maputo, maybe the gentleness of the Mozambican culture could find its way over here too...

This place, that made me fall in love in under 72 hours, is paradise. Not in the traditional sense of pure luxury but because of the ambience of the whole city. Feeling carefree and being safe are a huge part of going away on holiday. Mozambique offers both of these together with the twist of a different culture and atmosphere. The entire time I was there, I thought of how I need to come back with my boyfriend. I also thought about how a girls’ weekend away to Moz would leave even the most jaded of Jo’burg sisters feeling light, free and in love with a brand-new African city.

P.S. Thank you to 1Time for taking us to Maputo and back in one piece and with as little drama as possible!

A Room With a View

Tue, 29 Mar 2011 12:00 +0200

Sometimes, taking a break from the city is all you need.

For Capetonians, this might not seem like an idea worth writing about, as any beach is a sand grain’s throw away from most areas. But there’s a big difference between neon bikinis and ice-cream men on Clifton Fourth and a quiet night away (or not so quiet – Penguins, as we discovered, are surprisingly loud) on Boulders Beach in Simon’s Town. Still, a bit of squawking aside, few things are more relaxing than a night away at the seaside.

At 6pm on a Friday, after a hard week of work, the idea of getting back into the car and setting off on a long drive was daunting, and I could feel my urge to complain looming all too quickly. But as soon as we left the city, the stress of the week’s toils floated straight out of the sunroof, and once we arrived (think: clear blue waters, sunset, waddling penguins and a room with a view) stress soon became a thing of the past. Add a candlelit seafood platter and the beauty of the Boulders Beach Lodge into the mix and you’re set for a night of pure bliss.

And that’s all it takes, girls - a little bit of chilling to put everything back into perspective. It doesn’t matter if it’s 50 or 500 kilometres away, sometimes you just need a quick escape and a long breath of fresh sea air to remind you to relax, switch off your phone, stay away from your Wall and leave the tweeting to the birds (or penguins). I know getting away is not what our bank balances like to hear, but, surely we can sacrifice a weekend of card-swiping partying for a night of hotel bliss? It doesn’t matter where you live in this beautiful country of ours, bliss (and a little relaxation) really is only a drive away.

Dodgy Deeds

Tue, 08 Mar 2011 12:00 +0200

Think your story's embarrassing? Read on...

Italian Stallion
I studied abroad in Rome, and our group took a field trip to Florence. There were an odd number of guys on the trip, and I Iucked out and got my own hotel room. That night, l was getting ready for bed and realised I had forgotten toothpaste. My friends were staying in the room next door, so I figured I'd borrow some. I only had on a tiny pair of tightie-whities, but I planned just to dash out and back in, and didn't think anyone would see me. 'When I stepped into the hallway, the door to my room slammed shut, locking me out. I frantically banged on my friends' door, but no one answered. I figured they had gone out, and I didn't know what else to do but sit and wait. I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, I was being shaken awake by my female professor. She went down to the concierge and brought someone up to let me in while I awkwardly stood there trying to shield my half-naked body.'
- Frank*, 25

His Name Was Mud
'It was pouring, and class had just let out. My friend was parked near my building and offered to drive me back to my dorm so I wouldn't have to walk in the rain. I had to cross a field to get to his car, and I decided to make a mad dash in an attempt to stay as dry as possible. 'As soon as my feet touched the ground in a sprint, I completely lost my footing. Books and papers went flying, and I violently rolled down a steep muddy hill, destroying my clothes. When I came to a stop, I looked up to see the girls' hockey team doubled over in laughter. I got up, humiliated, and booked it to my friend's car. When I made it, he not only was cracking up but also refused to let me in because I would "ruin the leather". I walked home covered in slimy mud.'
- Colin*, 30

You've Got Voice Mail
'A girl and I were set up on a blind date by a mutual friend, and it was going surprisingly
well. After a romantic dinner and long walk on the beach, we returned to my car. I noticed I had a voice message from the friend who had set us up. I put my cell on speakerphone, thinking he had just called to wish us luck on our date. Instead, it was him yelling into the phone 'Make out with her!' I was mortified. I quickly snapped my phone shut, but the damage was done. I tried to change the subject, but she stared straight ahead in silence the whole ride back.'
- Charles*, 26

Loud Loser
'My friends and I rented a house at the beach and invited some girls up for the weekend. This girl I had liked for a while came, and I was determined to make a move on her after years of chickening out. Well, once again, my nervousness got the best of me. I ended up having a few too many and hooking up with a friend I knew was a sure thing. 'When I woke up the next morning, I felt like everyone was snickering at me. l asked my friend what was up, and it turns out, I had unknowingly held my hook-up session in the same room where the girl I really liked was sleeping. She told everyone about all the sloppy, slurping noises I had made the night before and didn't speak to me for the rest of the weekend. I blew whatever chance I may have had.'
- Jason*, 29

*Names have been changed

Skanky Sexploits

Tue, 08 Mar 2011 12:00 +0200

'He did not!' - yes, he did. What some dodgy dudes got up to...

SMS Mess
'During my final year of university, I was really into my roommate's girlfriend. It was obvious that she liked me too, but she wasn't the type to cheat. Late one night, my roommate came home and passed out, leaving his cell on the table. l grabbed it and sent a SMS to one of his female friends saying, 'I'm alone. You?' We ended up exchanging some flirtatious SMSes. The next day l told my roommate's girl something weird was going on and that I'd heard her boyfriend's cell go off a few times. They got into a huge fight, and she checked his phone and found the incriminating messages. They split up, and we dated for a few months after that.'
- Thoko*, 24

Sexual Healing
'When I broke up with my girlfriend of two years, I took it really hard. I was living with my parents at the time, and they were worried about me. The week after it happened, they went on a trip that had already been scheduled, but they felt horrible about leaving me. The night they left, I went out with my buddies, drowned my sorrows in booze, and ended up bringing home a girl. We hooked up in the living room, then passed out in my room. 'I woke up in the morning to the dog barking and heard the front door. I ran out to find my parents standing there with their luggage - they had felt guilty being away. Then my mom saw a bra on the living-room floor and said, 'Oh, but it looks like you two worked it out' right as the random girl walked out of my room. My parents were shocked and angry that they had cut their holiday short.'
- Samuel*, 24

Down In The Dumps
'My girlfriend and I were leaving a friend's party, and we started making out intensely as we walked out to her car. Finally, l couldn't take it anymore. There was a garbage bin in the driveway, and I set her on it and we started having sex. We were enjoying ourselves until, suddenly, the lid of the bin collapsed. My girlfriend fell halfway inside, and l had to pull her out of the smelly rubbish. She was covered in gross things and so embarrassed that she insisted we leave right away, leaving her shoes behind. We didn't go back to get them until the morning, when we were sure no one was around.'
- Andrew*, 27

Kicking and Screaming
'l was playing soccer with a bunch of my friends one weekend, and this girl I really liked joined us. I was trying to show off my soccer skills, but she kept putting me to shame with fancy footwork and some terrific headers. At the end of the first half, she and I were standing on the field when the ball bounced way up in the air and started heading for us. I went up to kick the ball just as she went up to head-butt it, and I ended up kicking her right between the legs. It was horrendous. I faked a foot injury just to get out of there.
- Jack*, 21

*Names have been changed

Summer On My Hips

Thu, 17 Mar 2011 12:00 +0200

It’s three months into the New Year and I haven’t quiet managed to work my way out of my holiday hangover. Sure, I’ve sat in traffic enough times to know that the party is, indeed, over and the sound of an alarm clock has made its way back into my mornings – but there’s still something I can't shake off.

Last winter I went on a huge mission to be thin and svelte in time for summer. Painful weeks of a carb-free existence and dedication to my exercise routine worked out, and by September I was confident, lump-free and ready for summer. The last three months were filled with shorts, mini-skirts and vests - all worn with reckless abandon because I felt so good. I vowed that, never again, would those last few kilograms haunt me and make me feel anything short of fabulous.

Then December happened – carbs snuck back into my life (come on - who can resist a good pasta dish when on holiday), gin at midday became something I looked forward to after my sizable brunch, and (again) I started nibbling the chips off my boyfriend’s plate. Then I came back from our holiday, and the residue of holiday love made me want to make roast and potatoes for dinner. I didn’t stress, though, because I knew that once January rolled around, I would be back to being my disciplined, carb-free self. And since holiday-sex was part of my holiday cheer I figured I’d found a great way to keep the bulges at bay.

So, January rolled around and I was back at work. We now had a new office, one with a cheap cafeteria downstairs. Chicken breasts were replaced with burgers and chips, water replaced with Crème Soda (got to get some greens in the diet) and midday sex replaced by midday deadlines. Luckily, my new body was still fairly intact.

My jeans were getting tighter by February, but I liked it. I felt like a sexy and curvy Aphrodite-type goddess. A little bit soft, a little bit round, but still in good shape. If I was smart, that would have been a good time to stop - but I didn’t.

Now, it’s the end of summer - my jeans don’t fit, the curves are morphing into bulges and I’m eating vanilla Oreos as I type this. But, instead of feeling of sadness and shame, I feel happy – this was, by far, one of my best summers ever, and if I ever need a reminder, it's right here on my hips.

He Did What?

Thu, 03 Mar 2011 12:00 +0200

Have a chuckle at these real-life dodgy antics.

Buck-Naked Nightmare
'To make extra cash, my friend poses nude for one of the art classes at our university. One afternoon, he got sick and asked me to sub for him. When I showed up, the teacher told me to take off my clothes and stand in front of the class. Midway through, I spotted a couple of women pointing at me and snickering. All I wanted to do was get out of there, so as soon as the class was over, I put on my clothes and bolted. That Monday, I walked into the student art centre and noticed all these portraits of me - naked with an enormous erection - hanging on the walls.'
- Brian*, 22

G-String Slip-Up
'My girlfriend bought me this leopard-print G-string that male strippers sport because it turned her on when I wore it. One night, before we stopped at her parents' house for dinner, I put it on underneath my pants and told her I had a surprise for her later. When we got there, the thing kept riding up, so I went to the bathroom to fix it. I dropped my jeans and started to adjust myself when her father walked in on me. I must have forgotten to lock the door. As soon as he saw me touching myself underneath my G-string, he looked like he was going to vomit right then and there. Before I could say anything, he walked away, and he had this disgusted expression on his face for the rest of the evening.'
- Leonard*, 28

Mortifying Mouth Meltdown
'I went to the dentist to get a cavity filled. After it was done, I walked out into the crowded waiting room to take care of the bill and sat next to a hot girl. While I was waiting for my name to be called, I turned to her to introduce myself and grinned. She
cringed, and some guy next to her loudly said, 'Dude, wash your face.' Everyone was staring at me, so I went into the bathroom. When I glanced in the mirror, I saw a long trail of drool hanging from my lower lip. The dentist had given me a couple shots of novocaine in my gums to numb my mouth, so I had no idea it was there.'
- Evan*, 30

Randy Cradle Robber
'On an Internet dating site, I met this woman who had a smoking online picture. We arranged to meet at a bar to hang out and get to know each other. When I walked into the dimly lit room, I saw this sophisticated lady waiting for me. We hit it off and drank lots of wine until the bar closed. We were both pretty tipsy, and she invited me to her place. We were in her bed making out when I suddenly spotted a row of orthopaedic shoes in front of her cupboard, and I panicked. I guess I must have had more wine than I thought because when I asked my date's age, she admitted she was over 60. I'm all about dating older women, but I draw the line when they could be my grandmother.'
- Mark*, 23

Smelly Sneak Attack
'l am a lifeguard and share a place on the beach with another guard, Ted. Without asking me, he took off one weekend and told our boss I'd cover for him. I was mad, so I bought some clams and put them in the pockets of all of his pants and shirts to stink up his clothes. When Ted came back on Sunday night and opened the door to his room, he freaked when he discovered that all of his stuff smelled like ass. He had a big date at a fancy restaurant that night and had to wear his dress jacket and pants, which reeked of fish.'
- Sam*, 24

*Names have been changed

Guys 'Fess Up

Fri, 25 Feb 2011 12:00 +0200

Clothes Call
'l was dating this girl in my office, but she was really uptight and it was starting to get to me. So one Sunday night, I dared her to wear a really trashy, mismatched outfit to the office on Monday. The dress code at our office is business formal, so I didn't really think she'd do it. Knowing her, I thought she'd be way too scared that she'd get reprimanded for wearing something outlandish, but I wanted to see if she could let her hair down just once. Well, she actually wore the outfit, and just to freak her out, I slapped a Post-it note on her computer screen that read 'See me ASAP' and signed our boss's name to it. He hadn't even seen her slutty ensemble, but when she went into his office, he flipped out and sent her home. That stunt pretty much ended our relationship.'
- Peter*, 24

Untying The Knot
'One night my fiancée, Ashley, and I had a sack session that lasted for hours. I love to grab and pull her hair, which leaves it pretty tangled, and this time was no exception. I was chewing gum when we first started hooking up, so I slyly stuck it on the headboard.
When we woke up the next morning, she had a giant knot in her hair about half an inch from her scalp, and the piece of gum was stuck right in the middle of it! After she washed and conditioned her hair, it still wouldn't come out, so I went to work on it. I tried leave-in conditioners, detangling spray, and even a special serum from the pharmacy, but nothing worked. We got so desperate that we made up some lame story about how the gum got there and asked my mom for help, but even she failed to fix the situation. I told Ashley that I was going to give it one last try with a fine-tooth comb. But instead, I grabbed a pair of scissors and cut out the knot, leaving a huge hole right smack in the middle of her hair. She freaked out and didn't speak to me for a week.'
- Tim*, 24

Erotic Appetiser
'One night, my girlfriend and I went out to dinner. There was a long wait for a table, so we sat down at the bar to have a drink. When I looked across the room, I saw this girl who I'd had a fling with a couple of years ago. I remembered how amazing the sex was, so l told my girlfriend I had to make a phone call but instead went over to say hello to my former flame. After exchanging niceties, I decided I had nothing to lose and asked her if she'd meet me in the bathroom. She took the bait, and we had a quickie in a men's room stall while my girlfriend sipped her chardonnay out front. l was back within 15 minutes, just in time to sit down and have a lovely meal.'
- Mike*, 27

Taxi Quickie
'My girl and I took a trip away for our first anniversary. One night, after having dinner at a trendy restaurant and drinking a little too much, we hopped into a taxi to go back to the hotel. She was feeling really frisky and whispered in my ear that she'd always wanted to get lucky in the backseat of a taxi. It sounded fun to me, so we started going at it. The driver was so busy talking on his cell phone that he didn't notice... until my girlfriend began moaning. Then he whipped around and started cursing at us in another language. He pulled over, opened the back door, and physically pulled us out onto the street. There l was, under a neon spotlight in the middle of the road, frantically zipping my pants and trying to cover my half-naked girlfriend while what seemed like hundreds of passers-by stopped and stared.'
- Kyle*, 26

*Names have been changed

Men's Confession Sessions

Thu, 10 Feb 2011 12:00 +0200

Real guys 'fess up to their most embarrassing (and dodgy) moments.

Talk To The Hand!
'l was in the waiting room of my doctor's office, and this beautiful girl was sitting next to me. I was trying to think of a way to strike up a conversation when she asked, 'How are you?' Thinking this was my chance, I told her I was great and went into a whole thing about how amazing I thought this doctor was. After a minute, she turned to me and said, "Do you mind? I'm on the phone!" I hadn't noticed that she had one of those earpieces in. After that, she got up and moved to a seat across the room, confirming that I'd totally blown it.'
- Dennis*, 31

First Date Flasher
'I was new in town and chuffed when this cute girl offered to take me to the beach. She lived with her parents, so I went in to meet them before we left. Her mom asked me to sit while I waited, so I chose a chair across from her. I was being polite, but she kept giving me uncomfortable looks. Finally, my date came down and was acting strangely too. She said bye, and we walked to my car. As we were driving, she told me that when I was sitting, my shorts had ridden up and given her mom a full view of my package.'
- Tim*, 23

Crush 'n' Burn
'My university campus is huge, so l often ride my bike to get around. One day, I rode to the gym, and when I was riding home, I noticed some hot girls checking me out. I was in a sleeveless shirt, so I was pretty sure they were looking at my biceps. To impress them, I yelled out "Hey, ladies!" and decided to ride without holding on to the handlebars. Then I hit a bump in the road and totally lost my balance. l flew off the bike and cut my knee pretty badly. I could tell the girls were trying not to laugh as they walked away.'
- James*, 20

Buy Buy, Baby...
'l usually refuse to go on blind dates, but my friend's girlfriend said she knew a girl who was great. From the beginning of the date, she was awful. I picked her up, and she complained about my car. She made rude remarks about the restaurant, and then she was horrendous to our waiter. Also, all she could talk about was herself. Finally, the bill came, and she went to the bathroom. Normally, I would pay, but she had been so terrible that I decided to do something just as bad to her. She had left her handbag on the chair, so I reached in, grabbed her credit card, paid the bill, then put the card back in her bag and left.'
- Nick*, 29

Skanky Screening
'When my roommate moved out, l was really happy to have the place to myself. He had forgotten some boxes, so I set them aside for him. Soon after, I started seeing this girl and invited her to spend the night. l told her to wait in the living room while I lit candles. When I went to get her, she was standing in the middle of my living room fuming. She threw DVDs at me and said she didn't sleep with porn freaks. One of the boxes my roommate had left was filled with his extensive porn collection. I tried to explain, but she clearly thought I was lying.'
- Lewis*, 27

*Names have been changed

Love In The City

Tue, 22 Feb 2011 12:00 +0200

Like most big cities, Johannesburg can be impersonal at the best of times: strangers pass each other in the street without so much as a head-nod or an acknowledgement of the others' presence. This is very different from the upbringing I had in Soweto where we knew the name of everyone on our street (and often their personal business too!) and greeted everyone that passed, including strangers. That’s just how people interacted. Over the years I’ve had to find some kind of middle ground. Generally, I greet most people, and I've learnt not to get offended when my hellos are ignored or met with suspicious sidelong glances.

My boyfriend and I recently went to go watch the final performance of History - This Is It, a tribute to Michael Jackson, at the Johannesburg Theatre. I was expecting a laid-back afternoon, followed by a fast drive home to be on time for American Idol. But when my uncle and his wife called to cancel at the last minute, I found myself stuck with two extra tickets and not enough time to call up other friends to join us. So I had an idea: since it was February and the month of love and giving, I decided I would find a couple on the street and surprise them with free tickets. Great idea, right? Well...

Off to the theatre we went. I’ve dreamt of having an Oprah moment for years, where one day I stand in a room full of deserving people and say ‘You get a car - and you, and you and you, whoop!’ This felt almost like that. ‘You get a ticket and you get a ticket,’ seemed like something really nice to do. The park next door was sprinkled with couples and students, so I figured I was bound to find people who'd be keen on a freebie show. My boyfriend was not at all keen on the idea of me approaching complete strangers and offering them tickets. ‘They might think you’re creepy,’ he insisted. But I shrugged him off, thinking that I would love it if a stranger approached me with free tickets to a show.

The first couple I approached cringed before I even opened my mouth. When I finally delivered my monologue, the woman scowled meanly and said, ‘No!’ That’s the moment that I remembered: ‘Oh gosh, this is Jo’burg in 2011. Where people get mugged in parks, women wielding theatre tickets might actually be serial killers, or worse - a girl on the prowl on Valentine's month.’ I went back to my boyfriend and asked him to come with me this time so that couples didn’t think I was some weirdo trying to be the third party in their relationship. After a series of couples, several no’s, why’s and confused looks, I was getting tired of this giving-away business. Why couldn't people just accept that sometimes someone wants to give you something; not because they want anything but just because they can?

Just before my heart felt like it was about to break, couple number five (the woman was wearing a red top – a sign?) agreed. Actually, they were delighted. They’d not seen the show and, in fact, she had never been to the theatre in her life. We gave them their tickets and when they joined us at our seats, tickets in hand and smiles firmly planted on their faces, something clicked for me. All those hello's that go ignored are worth it if there will be just one person who really needed your hello that day. So maybe my ticket act wasn’t the norm for people living in the jaded big city, but it was enough to make one couple happy, even for just a few hours. That’s what love is all about isn’t it?

Guy Confessions

Mon, 07 Feb 2011 12:00 +0200

Men admit to their most embarrassing moments ever...

Space Balls, The Sequel
'One night, I was at a new bar in my neighbourhood and met a pretty bartender. Some other guys there said she seemed weird, but I thought she was hot, so I went back to her flat later. When we walked in, I noticed that all the walls were covered with pictures of Captain Kirk and other random Star Trek posters. I asked her if she wanted to watch a movie. She told me to look through her collection of DVDs, which were all old seasons of Star Trek. Even her remote was in the shape of the phaser from Star Trek. We eventually made our way to her bedroom and slept together. The sex was great, but the next morning when she was getting ready, I saw that she had an enormous tattoo on her back of the Star Trek: Enterprise space ship. I was so weirded out, I left and never asked for her number.'
- Rob*, 32

She's a Cart-Breaker
'Last weekend, I went golfing with some buddies from work. While we were on the course, I hopped into my golf cart and backed up to flirt with this cute chick playing behind us. She gave me her number, and when all of my friends heard, they shouted my name like l was the man. Just as I was saying 'I'II call you this weekend,' I turned the key in the ignition and hit the gas. Suddenly, my cart went in reverse straight into the lake behind me. I had to wade through the slimy muck searching for my clubs while everyone stood there clapping.'
- Peter*, 22

Stinking Of You
'l was having terrible stomach aches for a while, so l went to the doctor. While I was in the waiting room, l sat next to this gorgeous girl, and we struck up a conversation. Eventually it was my turn to see the doctor, and after I got out, she was still there. I approached her again, and while we were saying good-bye, the doctor came up to me and said "Now if you're still experiencing constipation and those bad gas pains a week from now, come back to the office." The hot girl made a face and looked away. I was so embarrassed, I just left.'
- Fred*, 19

Burn Unit
'A couple of weeks ago, my girlfriend went to a sex-toy party with her pals. While we were getting busy that weekend, she pulled out mint-flavoured lube that she got at the
party and put some on me down there. It was within minutes, my unit was burning. I screamed and my eyes teared up, so I ran to the bathroom to wash the stuff off. Later, I overheard my girlfriend call her buddies to tell them I was crying from the mint lube. Now, every time I run into one of her friends, they ask me if I've recovered.'
- Heath*, 29

*Names have been changed

Hello, Neighbour Boy!

Fri, 04 Feb 2011 12:00 +0200

My crush, a.k.a. Neighbour Boy, recently showed up at my housewarming bash with a girlfriend in tow. Ouch! Now I have to see him every day. And it doesn't help that my roommate, Sarah is so messy. Grrr.

A Fine Mess
Life with Sarah has its pros and cons. On the one hand, it's nice to have someone to come home to and eat dinner and watch movies with. On the other hand, she's a slob and, like some sort of primordial ooze, her mess is extending outward and slowly moving into my space. It's driving me freaking crazy.

When I got home from work tonight, Sarah was out. She had obviously been cooking, as the kitchen looked like it had been hit by a bomb. Not wanting to deal with the mess right away, I headed back out for a slice of pizza. When I returned, Neighbour Boy was sitting on the stoop, also eating pizza.

'Wanna join me?' he laughed, dimple appearing on his right cheek. I smiled, sat down, and took my slice out of the bag.

'Not how I envisioned our first dinner date,' he said, smirking.

If I didn't have such a raging crush on the guy, I might have been angry at him for flirting with me even though he has a girlfriend. But since I can't help but melt around him, I sat on the stoop for the better part of an hour, shivering in the cold night air and chatting about any inane thing I could think of. I don't know for sure, but I think he was shivering under that coat too...

Black Thursday
If there were one holiday I could abolish, it would be Valentine's Day. I spent my workday going from wedding to wedding, shooting happy brides and grooms exchanging vows, mothers sniffling, and big cakes being cut. Joy.

By the end of the day, I was jaded and miserable. I decided to go home, watch a bad made-for-TV movie or two with Sarah, and shove chocolate in my face. As I walked into my building, Neighbour Boy was walking out. With Ashley, his girlfriend. They were dressed up and laughing about something.

'Hi,' he said, awkwardly. 'You remember Ashley.'

'Hi,' I said with all the fake cheeriness I could muster. 'Happy Valentines Day! Well, I better go.... I'm running late.'

'Hot date?' Neighbour Boy asked.

'Something like that,' I lied, thinking, hot date with my TV. I scurried away. When I got into the apartment, I found a heart-shaped box of chocolate and a note from Sarah. 'Hi! I'm on a date. Don't wait up. Happy V Day! XOXO!' If there's a silver lining; it's that now I have some chocolate. Positive thinking, positive thinking, positive thinking…

Knock Knock
A little after 9pm the other night, my doorbell rang. Sarah was out. I looked through the peephole. Neighbour Boy! He had on jeans and a green hoodie and looked adorable.
'Hi,' I said, opening the door. 'Need to borrow some sugar?'

'ActualIy,' he said, 'I hadn't thought out exactly what I was going to do when you opened the door. Can I come in?'

'Um...' I started to say.

'I broke up with Ashley,' he said.

My heart did a backflip, and I nodded. The second I closed the door behind him, he grabbed me on both sides of my face and kissed me. I sank back into the door, and he sank with me. My hands found their way into his curly hair, his mouth found its way onto my neck, and for what was probably close to half an hour, we devoured each other in my doorway.

'Now that,' he said when we finally came up for air, 'is something I've wanted to do since I came around the corner two months ago and knocked you over.'

'Me too.'

'Can I do it again?'

'Definitely.' And he did. All night long.

A Night To Remember

Tue, 08 Feb 2011 12:00 +0200

A gorgeous invitation, particularly when it's delivered well in advance, lends a great sense of anticipation to a fabulous event. And – as I've come to learn - it's usually the precursor to a party that will be etched in your mind for weeks afterwards. In November 2010 I received an invitation just like this. It was to the private launch of the new Carolina Herrera’s 212 VIP fragrance.

On Thursday I headed to Randlords in Braamfontein - all by myself because the invitations clearly stated that no dates were allowed. Randlords, as Joburgers know, is notorious for its glamorous chic-ness and breath-taking views of the city. In true form, the party's hostesses were clad in LBDs and big smiles as they offered guests a whiff of the new Carolina Herrera fragrance.

Happily, luck was on my side as I bumped into some of my friends, and the event instantly turned into a fun girls' night out. After taking pictures and having our glasses filled with delicious cocktails, we mingled. I’ve always been fascinated by the fake air-kisses that seem mandatory to socialites. It just doesn't make sense to waste a kiss (even if it’s an air one) on someone you hardly know - and possibly don’t even like. This is probably the reason I’m more of a flea- market-and-gin-and-tonic than a champagne-and-air-kisses girl but, weird rituals aside, I was happy to be there.

We were led upstairs where a presentation, snacks and a cash bar were offered to Jozi’s beauty editors, journalists,TV personalities and professional party-goers. It’s not often that people adhere to the dress code, but I have to say that 90% of those in attendance came looking extremely glam. After an hour or so of small- talk and socialising, DJ Euphonik took over the decks and even those that are averse to dancing ended up making their way to the dance floor.

The combo of great music and an open bar meant that inhibitions were shed and new friendships forged. When feet strapped into sexy high heels started complaining that enough was enough, everyone headed home. Goodie bags that had everyone smiling were the perfect ending to a well-organised and exciting event. By the time the clock struck midnight, it had been a great night and we were more than ready to turn into expensive-smelling pumpkins.

Cougar Town

Tue, 25 Jan 2011 12:00 +0200

The Cougar… David Attenborough-style
* Kingdom: Animalia
* Phylum: Chordata
* Class: Mammalia
* Sub-species: Demi Moore

This adaptable species is found in bars, pubs, on dating sites and on nightclub couches. This cunning stalk-and-ambush predator pursues younger men (preferably at least 10 years younger) and lures prey with the aid of camouflage (Botox) which helps it blend into social environments usually reserved for those born after 1979.

The lure of the Cougar lies in their solitary nature (they are elusive with their prey refraining from bombarding it with SMSes and too busy with their own lives to drop everything and mate on many given days). Add that to an ass that can wear gold, pleather and hot pants, and the prey doesn't stand a chance.

It's All Fun and Games… Until Someone Acts Their Age
I myself once dabbled as a Cougar (although he wasn't a Spanish supermodel) so, as a massive authority on the subject, I feel I should tell you this cautionary tale…

It's fun to play the older woman. Even your sagest of sex moves will elicit wow and slack-jawed awe. His friends will all want to meet you: you're sexy – a novelty. Take him out for dinner and watch him try to pay. Ain't he cute! But, at some point, the shiny newness of your toy boy wears off… And it's not so fun. This may occur when you realise his relationship maturity is dog years behind yours and marriage isn't on the cards until 2043. Or, in my case, when you reach into the pocket of his pyjama pants with a cheeky grin and find… His retainer inside.

The Many Faces of Jo'burg

Tue, 01 Feb 2011 12:00 +0200

Johannesburg has many faces – the plush suburbs with their fashionistas, the townships that are buzzing no matter what day of the week it is, and all the other worlds in-between. Downtown Jozi has gradually been turning into the go-to place for the city's creatives who enjoy a colourful life as exhibitions, eateries, vintage shops and a fashion district have bloomed and brought new life to those parts of the city once considered dodgy and decrepit. It’s in this old, but new part of town that I fell in love with Jozi again.

I went to the newly launched Market on Main with no real idea of what to expect, but excited nonetheless. What I found there is a new sub-culture that the city has been craving for a while. The market is made up of stalls filled with vintage clothes, designer clothes, treats to please even the fussiest palates and an eclectic mixture of the city's glamorous arty crowd. The lawn was filled with people eating delicious-looking food purchased from stalls and restaurants, a few surprisingly well-behaved children ran around and there was live music from RJ Benjamin and Pebbles. In a nutshell, it was the city like I’d never seen it before. If you can imagine creativity being various colours, then the Market on Main is the brightest rainbow you’ve ever seen.

After getting my pennies together I walked out with a vintage belt, a designer dress from Loincloth and Ashes on order and a tummy full of wine and tasty, homemade bread. It looks like I’ve finally found a spot worth trading pyjama Sundays for.

This charmingly laid-back Sunday ushered me into the week feeling calm and ready to take on new challenges. The COSMO Sexiest Man event was due and there’s something about half-naked, good-looking men that makes it worth the effort of donning make-up and doing some schmoozing.

My friends and I headed to the Oxford excited and ready to party and, in true COSMO style, the event didn’t disappoint. Pink shooters and chocolate greeted us at the door. Bonang Matheba was the host for the evening and she did a stellar job at putting our sexy men at ease. After strutting their stuff and being brave enough to withstand cat-calls and kisses being blown at them, the winner was announced. It looks like Gregg Hammond had most girls hoping to be Mrs January - and his mother was possibly the most excited of us all.

I personally had (and still have) a thing for Mr June – Frederico Fernandez. In my many years of man-watching as a favourite hobby, I’ve never come across such intense sex appeal. Once we’d soaked in all the perving we could take, we swiftly moved to the dance floor and let loose.

The combo of local creativity and local sexiness, all in the space of five days, made the last week of January exciting. Let’s hope the weeks that follow don’t fall short. Here’s to celebrating Jo’burg with its different faces and fun options for a COSMO girl.

Guys Wide Shut

Mon, 24 Jan 2011 12:00 +0200

Going Home Alone
'He's either a massive freak or he doesn't like me… I don't know which is worse.' These words were spoken to me by a friend after her first date with 'The Rugby Guy.' They have a great time, so she asked him back to her place… he said 'not tonight' and called a taxi.

'Now he either thinks I sleep with guys on the first date, which I don't usually, or he's just not attracted to me. What kind of guy doesn't come back to your place?!' she wailed over the phone.

There was a hopeful silence… I decided to give TRG the benefit of the doubt. 'A gentleman,' I answered.

'Bullsh*t,' she said.

The Blame Game
When a guy won't give it up, we fault ourselves. The act of keeping his pants on lays bare our insecurities. What did I do? What did I say? What's wrong with me? We overanalyse, repressing the memory of men we've been attracted to, yet knocked back with gusto.

Guys Who Say No
To prevent TRG's frigidity from shattering my friend's fragile confidence, I did a little research. Here, tales of women who survived the ego slap:

'I'd been seeing Luca for three weeks. One night I went to his house after a friend's birthday drinks. It would be the first time we'd had sex… except he wasn't into it! I was mortified. The next day he told me I was so drunk I was resting the full weight of my head on his face while kissing him. He just wanted me to know what I was doing. Two years later, we're getting married!'

'A friend of mind went on a date… and she asked him back to her place. But, when they got to her apartment, he ran off into the night. She was devastated. The next day he sent her flowers. It turns out he's a primary school teacher and he didn't want to be late for work or offend her by leaving at 5am.'

'This happening to me… at first I was upset, because I thought that I must have done something wrong, but it turned out he was a virgin – a whole new predicament…'

See honey, maybe TRG's a part-time teacher, or a virgin! Or perhaps he truly is a gentleman… did he pay for the drinks?

Frisky Finance

Wed, 15 Dec 2010 12:00 +0200

Cheap Sex – The Good Kind!
They can take our jobs, they can take our house, but they'll never take our orgasm! This is our defiant cry as we tackle the credit crunch head on, armed with nothing but a condom and a horny spirit… Huh? A British survey revealed that sex was the most popular free activity in these times of financial crisis - ahead of window shopping and gossiping. Oh…

Relieving the Financial Pressure
Sex in a time of crisis… it's not exactly new. Emergency sex in war zones is a standard movie plot. Bombs are dropping all around, the last of the medical supplies are dwindling, the world as you know it is falling apart. When disaster strikes we turn to the one we love to comfort us… or at least the one within arm's reach.

Replace bombs with the South African Rand, medical supplies with superannuation and the world as you know it with the JSE, and you've pretty much got the situation we're in now. Nothing to do but don your naughty nurse's uniform and straddle the nearest soldier! And if you find yourself alone on the front line? Don't worry - you're not. Adult shops are experiencing a sales surge worldwide.

Why are we so uptight when times are tight? Well, I'm not an economist (thank God, or I'd be out of a job), but recession sex is fun, free and literally a way to feel good when your bank balance is really, really bad. So, will you swap your Friday night cocktails for takeaway Thai, a DVD and woman on top?

Singles Get Ripped Off
Hang on a minute… it's all well and good if you've got a significant other you can bonk on a budget - but what about the cost of sex for the singletons out there?

THE URBAN DATING EQUATION:
Bikini wax (standard sexual investment) - R250
Dinner (because, really, a girl still expects a date) R250
Booze (seriously, would you give it up sober?) R150
Taxi fare (if you can't face the walk of shame) R150
Total cost of sex: R800
Having a long-term partner so you don't have to fork out for any of the above? Priceless.

Premature Experimentation

Wed, 15 Dec 2010 12:00 +0200

You're Not Serious! Yes, I Am
Riddle me this: Why would a virile young man decide to pop a Viagra on a Sunday night and rock up to the house of his lady friend… especially when he's only known her for two weeks, and the sparks are still flying?

Stumped? Me too. But this is exactly what one of my guy friends has been up to recently. I call it 'premature experimentation'. Surely he can't be that bored yet?

Too Much, Too Soon
I asked my significant other why our friend would so hastily choose to spice things up in the bedroom? He too is vexed, and chalks it up to friend's giddiness at finally getting some action after weathering a dry spell severe enough to rival the Sahara Desert.

I can appreciate the enthusiasm, but who needs Viagra in the honeymoon phase of their hook-up? That's greedy. What is he going to do when the relationship clocks up three weeks? Surely, to keep our libido from tiring we must leave some uncharted sexual territory?

Cranky!
I'm putting myself in my friend's new girlfriend's Jimmy Choos - what would my reaction be if a new guy who I'd shagged, oh, maybe three or four times, darkened my doorstep on a Sunday night packing V? Slam! Not only is this premature experimentation an insult to intimacy, but Sundays are for organising - not attempting to break the Guinness World Record for Sabbath orgasms. I mean seriously, there are gym bags to pack, brown rice to cook and things to hand-wash because you forgot to get them dry-cleaned.

Call Me a Prude…
But what do you guys think? Should we say to hell with pacing ourselves in the sack and instead get all of our (metaphorical) cards on the (metaphorical) table immediately, saving no surprises for later? I mean, I'm just saying two weeks is a little too soon to get freaky. And surely 30 years old is about 30 years too soon to drop a vitamin V?

In The Name of Sex

Fri, 10 Dec 2010 12:00 +0200

The Things We Do for Sex
Yesterday my partner bought me two new pairs of yoga pants. Nice ones. If a dress-code should ever require it, I now own items befitting of track chic. Smacked him a little kiss in the shop to say thanks for my pressie, to which he replied, 'No worries, just throw out those bloody flannels and wear these to bed please. They're killing me.'

Um, sure. Flannels. Throw out. Yip, cool. Will do. And while I'm doing that, wearing my new pants, I'll try not to trip over the STRINGS ATTACHED! Who knew the blue-and- white polka-dot PJs I'd so thriftily obtained in aisle five of the supermarket would have such a profound effect on my sex life? Not me, apparently.

Like a Candle in the Wind
Unceremoniously stuffed offending flannels in the kitchen bin this morning then stormed off to work. Coffee first. Bumped into a girlfriend at the cafe and got chatting about her weekend. 'I met a guy!' she screeched above the sound of grinding beans. Ohhh - distraction! Where, how, when!? She turned down the volume a bit: 'You know that older guy, a friend of a friend? I was at my local bar and someone brought him along. We had serious flirtation. Then he asked us all back to his place for drinks! Said I'd meet them there - grabbed my bag, bolted back to my place, waxed my bikini line and took a taxi to his place in 45 minutes flat…hee hee!'

There I stood, skinny latte in hand, experiencing a major reality check. I'd been bitter about the fact my favourite jarmies were now covered in bin juice, but clearly I was one of the lucky ones. There were women out there enduring public transport mercy dashes and drunken home-waxing for the good of their sex lives. How could I compete with that?

Oh, and Another Thing…
I know what you're thinking. Yoga pants? Well, maybe your boyfriend buys you leopard-print G-strings. To each their own, I say. I'm comfy - don't judge!

Kardashian Kraze

Mon, 20 Dec 2010 12:00 +0200

The last time I saw large groups of women screaming was in the '90s when boy bands with bad hairstyles were popular. The redeeming quality about that was that the girls were all pre-pubescent and didn’t know any better. Fast forward a decade and those girls are now sleek, chic and stylish. Their clothes are better, their heels are higher and their screams are louder - but there’s no boy-band in sight. Their screams are for the Kardashians. These reality TV queens are more popular than I’d realised.

I’m an avid fan and, since I watch the show so often, my boyfriend has been brainwashed into knowing the characters and he agrees that Scott is possibly the biggest douche-bag in the history of television. It looks like the rest of the country likes these girls even more than I do, and that was evident when the Kardashian Kraze broke out.

Kim and Khloe were here for the Brutal Fruit Cheeky Cranberry launch. This was the second round of parties to celebrate the new flavour, and everyone in town was clamouring for invitations. The event seemed like the only thing that people could speak about on twitter; so, the Kardashian Kraze went digital too.

When the night of the event eventually came around, I headed out to The Rand Club in downtown Jozi where pink was the order of the day. The venue is plush, and has a seductive air of decadence, while the dress-code was chic with a touch of pink, and most people came dressed to the nines. It’s amazing that heels, brand new outfit and newly coiffed hair did nothing to stop people from pushing and shoving to get a glimpse of the Kardashians. Cameras were flashing, girls and guys were screaming, and most people’s inner groupie was tellingly revealed.

After a short speech and a car giveaway, the Kardashians retreated into their VIP area. Many fans were basically offering to their first-born children just to get a picture, and many were disappointed when the girls sat with their backs to the crowd. Kim was on her phone most of them time, but Khloe was a bit better, smiling, dancing and interacting with her fans. Many fans were left with their hearts broken because their reality TV heroines weren’t as engaging as they’d hoped (I’m not sure what they were expecting). My take is this: if you watch the show you’d know that these girls are pretty self-absorbed, so expecting them to go beyond the call of duty (which was just showing face) was unrealistic.

The rest of us danced the night away thanks to the awesome DJs, and at the end of the night, my friend and I left with sore feet and happy hearts. Others left with long faces and rantings on Twitter. All in all, this was the perfect party to cap off a year full of parties.

Now my heels are being pushed to the back of the closet, my make-up bag is being stashed away (every girl’s face needs a break), and my party-girl spirit is being traded in for my Zen-spirit: while you party away, I will be meditating away. Fret not though, 2011 is bound to be even bigger and better. Let’s toast to a good year.

The Day Soundclash Changed My Life

Thu, 09 Dec 2010 12:00 +0200

As much as I’m a bona fide Jo’burg girl, I’m not one to say no to an invitation to party in another city. Red Bull was hosting their second Soundclash and, because I know from experience just how awesome it is, I jumped on a plane and off to Durban I went.

This year’s Soundclash featured two very popular and talented bands – Gazelle and Die Heuwels Fantasties. I didn’t know very much about either band, but that’s what made it all the more exciting. The year before was The Dirty Skirts and Tumi and the Volume, so I'd gone in with a preference and expectations. Sometimes, it's best to be surprised.

We landed in hot and humid Durban weather and headed straight to the beautiful Suncoast Casino Hotel. The concept of having a hotel right next to a shopping centre is one that appeals to me because who doesn’t want to dash from their room to a shop to pick up shoes? On my various trips to the mall I realised that fashion can be very city-specific. I spotted several matric-dance-inspired dresses and a lot of gold – in people's mouths!

After an afternoon of meeting the bands and drinking copious amounts of Red Bull, it was time for the show. The outdoor venue had two stages and a microphone in between the stages to measures the crowd response because it's us who decides who wins.

Ready D was in charge of getting the crowds in the mood for a good time, and he was the ‘musical referee’ for the night. The competition started with the band doing their version of Eddie Grant’s 'Electric Avenue'. Both bands created a unique sound, and the energy was electrifying as the crowds sang along. In the end the crowd decided that Gazelle was the best.

For the second round, the bands had mastered each other's tracks and again the crowd was awed by Gazelle. DJ Ready D made the third round particularly interesting: the bands were forced out of their comfort zones and had to do songs in hip-hop, country and dub-step genres. The crowd was going wild and I, who has never really been into any kind of rock music, was going insane myself. I realised that music isn’t about what you prefer, especially when it’s live; it’s about the energy, and the bands were giving us so much of their creative energy that we couldn’t help but be swept up by the wave.

In the end, Gazelle won the overall competition. Their unique style of music plus their playful and proudly South Africa theatrics on stage (think sangomas and an invisible DJ) are unlike anything we'd seen or heard before.

Post-Soundclash, we partied until the sun came up. While any sane person would have assumed that this was the end of the festivities, we decided that sanity was overrated at this time of the year. We hung out by the pool with band- members, and at about 4.30am decided that going to the beach was a pretty fantastic idea. Frolicking in the sea and sand without a care in the world, I decided that if this is the rock-star lifestyle, then I want in!

We headed back to the hotel and still there was no desire to sleep (I blame the Red Bull) so we stayed by the pool and had conversations about everything under the sun. When the breakfast rush started, we received odd stares from the ‘sane’ people that had slept, showered and were going to be having a dignified breakfast while we ate with wet clothes and day-old mascara. The 'insane crowd' stayed in this state until it was time to catch our flight, Durban had its way with us and we loved it.

Soundclash turned out to be the perfect mixture of music, food, new friendships and freedom. I couldn’t have thought of a better to bid an early goodbye partying in 2010.

Take a look at what went down at this year's Soundclash...

The Weekend Stand

Tue, 07 Dec 2010 12:00 +0200

The Weekend Stand
There I was, sitting in my office earlier today, typing something, when in pops my good friend for a chat. I assume she's here to discuss our faux plans to go to the gym, but no, today she has sweaty news of a far more interesting kind. Yes, you smelled it - sex!
She had lots! With a guy she met on a night out. A one-night stand, you might ask? Oh no: she stayed at his house all weekend! Yes, days! AM and PM times two. Had to cut sordid tell-all short to go to meeting. Attempting to acquire greater detail. Will report back.

Miracle Tea
Called her into my office this morning under guise of work and put on business-looking glasses to divert passers-by. Now, please tell me about the sex! My friend spilled the details while I simultaneously Googled His Horniness. He was hot, of course. What ugly guy has an arousing effect the morning after the night before? But that alone didn't satisfy my curiosity. Yes, I know what you're wondering - I just had to find out too. During the 48-hour sex-athon, what the hell did they eat? Thai food? Pizza? Home delivery? 'Um, nothing,' she replied, with a shrug. 'Oh wait, hang on, we had a cup of tea.' Tea? Yes, just the regular stuff. Who knew you could exist for a weekend on a diet of sex and diluted caffeine?

Why?
Forgot to say, after she finally left they never spoke again. No number exchange - simply thanks and see you never. Typical one-night stand behaviour - nothing unusual there. But, I asked her, didn't you find you'd established more of a connection after a whole weekend together? Her response: 'It was what it was and l needed that.' Typical one-night stand summation, which begs the conclusion that the weekend stand does not fundamentally differ from its one-night counterpart. At the end of the day (or night, or in this case, weekend) we're simply a savvy consumer society. Is this just another way to get more bang for your buck?

Legendary Nites

Thu, 02 Dec 2010 12:00 +0200

There are parties that are optional - ones that you can do without attending, and then there are events that you would go to even if your teeth were falling out and you could barely keep your head up. Last Thursday was yet another Analogue Nites, and these events have become legendary in Johannesburg. The city comes to life and even those people that have been bitten by the stay-at-home bug pop out, put on their party clothes and drive to Moyo’s Melrose Arch. What made this particular Analogue Nites so exciting was that Thandiswa Mazwai was going to be the performer. Her name and voice sends shivers down the spines of even the most jaded party-goers.

The event fell on the same night as the opening of Surreal Eco Boutique Hotel in Bryanston. I tapped into my go-everywhere powers and headed to the hotel with no real expectations. We walked into what I've heard referred to as 'green paradise', just a few minutes from Sandton. You know that feeling you get when you drive out of the city and realise that you feel free – that’s what Surreal instantly does to you. The 100% green hotel not only has the most luxurious rooms but the food is made by a chef who is also a herbalist – can it get any healthier? We lounged outdoors sipping on drinks and tasting as many culinary creations as possible – a girl needs a lot of energy for the night I had ahead of me!

A quick change of clothes and a touch of make up later, my friend Vanessa and I happily headed to Moyo, but when we walked in we realised that everybody and their mother also wanted to see Thandiswa’s performance.

One of the pleasures of a superb nights out is being able to spot hot men that we wouldn’t normally see. In the hustle and bustle of the city, all the hot men seem to be hiding behind office doors, so a sighting has become an almost miraculous event. Before we had even walked the whole room, we spotted a cutie – it was going to be a great night. We marched right to the front, not wanting to miss a thing. Except, again, everyone had the same idea. Groups of men and women kept on standing in front of us! Manners seem to be the last thing on people’s minds when they are dancing to hip-hop beats and waiting on Miss Mazwai to get on stage!

When she finally arrived on stage, Thandiswa displayed not only her talent but an amazing aura of power, and real thought had gone into her vocals. There isn’t a single watered-down pop-like song on her repertoire and, judging by the claps, screams and number of voices singing along, everyone was enchanted.

As though her great performance was not enough, Simphiwe Dana, another well- loved musician, joined her on stage for an impromptu performance. Looking around I saw people on the verge of tears, not believing that they were sharing in this moment. Calls for an encore were not ignored and even those that weren't fans left converted.

After the show, people were in a daze, undoubtedly going home to relive the show in their heads. We chose to stay and indulge in old-school kwaito and hip-hop beats courtesy of DJ 1D and Ken hero. The beats brought other sexy delights that only seem to make an appearance when the sun sets. Dancing, laughter and the sighting of a sexy man in a white shirt left my friend and I thoroughly satisfied and happy to store the memory as a night definitely worth remembering.

Have You Got VBD?

Tue, 30 Nov 2010 12:00 +0200

Here's the scenario: you have a friend over for dinner, and before you sit down, she asks if you'd mind if she shut the window, turned up the air-con, switched places and opened her own bottle of wine. Then she tells you she'll have to leave before you've finished eating because she has something important to do. And her boyfriend won't be coming after all.

Not long ago, such behaviour would have been seen as extremely rude, but we now live in a world where everyone feels justified in putting their own needs first. It's perfectly common for guests to ask for a drink that isn't being offered, or for variations on the food you're serving - even alterations to the air-con, lighting or music. If you make a date with a girlfriend, she'll think nothing of postponing it if something more important comes up - or just because she's tired. You could put all this down to a crisis in manners, but these aren't just examples of thoughtless behaviour - they're all driven by the same desperate impulse to be the absolute masters of our own destinies.

The poster girl for such control freakery is, of course, Victoria Beckham, who stage-manages every detail of her life, from her coordinated Hermès Kelly bags to her social schedule. And though we laugh at the lengths to which she's prepared to go in pursuit of total control, the truth is, we're all suffering from a nasty dose of Victoria Beckham Disorder (VBD)… but to a lesser degree.

It wasn't so long ago that being labelled a control freak was an insult. But then 'controlling' turned into 'super-stressed' and almost became a badge of honour. Now, people don't mind being seen as inflexible and demanding, because it suggests a certain purpose, and because we equate getting our own way with power and success. We look to successful celebs like Beckham, JLo and Nicole Kidman to show us the way and they oblige: eating strictly raw food off only white plates, demanding their nannies sign confidentiality deals, and that their chefs and dermatologists are all on call.

We think this behaviour is extreme, but chances are, you've accepted an invitation with conditions, forced a taxi driver to take your preferred route or ordered a coffee to go 'with a dash of milk, but make sure it's red hot, and I'd like it in an extra-small cup'. Previously, we put our faith in God, fate or simply in life and the people we knew. Now, what we believe in is exerting our will in every situation.

'I can't go on holiday with anyone other than my boyfriend anymore,' says a PR exec, who wishes to remain nameless. 'I stress when everyone takes hours to get going in the morning - it's easier to move quickly if there are just two. And l can't bear it when they all want to eat at some pavement cafe, where you can see the food is going to be terrible.' Does she think she's a control freak? 'My boyfriend does. But l don't mind,' she says. 'I think if you've got good instincts, you're entitled to be a control freak. Control freaks give great parties and they run efficient businesses.'

And there is a place for control. We lead complicated, multi-dimensional lives, where exerting more control counterbalances all the white noise, according to clinical psychologist Dr Cecilia d'Felice. 'It's a way of psychologically containing what feels uncontainable. Often, we succumb to controlling behaviour when we're stressed or overwhelmed - women, in particular, can appear hysterically controlling because they have responsibility both at work and at home in a way few men do,' says d'Felice.

Maybe the real reason we leave nothing to chance is that the world seems a crueller place now – it's the reason for commitment-phobia, the R50 000 handbag and the rise and rise of plastic surgery. We have a sense that you get only one chance at life, and you won't get anywhere without pushing your own agenda. It's quite sad, really.

Trial Run

Thu, 25 Nov 2010 12:00 +0200

The year is quickly drawing to a close, and since partying has been leaving me feeling more tired than happy, I decided it was time to chill out this weekend. Chilling out meant: not tweeting as much, not over-thinking work and definitely not stressing about one single thing.

As much as Jo’burg is a great city for party animals, there is so much more to explore. One of the positives about the activities that are more day-time orientated is that heels, make-up and pretty dresses are optional. Sunglasses, flip flops and sunscreen, however, are must-haves. My weekend looked like a giant eating plan - everything involved food and lots of rest.

I started out my Saturday morning with a Clinique breakfast. Clinique invited a group of young women to be schooled on their variety of products. Our skin was assessed, products were recommended and we got to fill up on a tasty, but healthy breakfast. The goodie-bag was a bonus treat and, because I’m yet to meet someone who dislikes freebies, all the ladies left with a big smile on their faces.

The next stop was lunch at a friend’s house. The weather dictated that we dine outside, and after lots of conversation and even more food, sleepiness set in. I indulged in something I don’t do as often as I should – I took a nap outside. I love a lot of things about summer, but being able to sleep under a clear blue sky is one of the best perks, and something I used to do a lot more of when I was younger. I figured if I start doing more things that I did when I was younger, peace of mind would become easier to reach.

A sunny afternoon nap was followed by what was meant to be a casual stroll through Bruma Lake flea market, but there’s something about pretty things that are reasonably priced that makes me very bad at window-shopping. After a little bit of convincing (and some ice cream), my boyfriend and I bought a few things for our apartment. Since rest was one of the major themes for my weekend, I got home, and got straight into bed. An hour-long massage had me passing out and waking up 12 hours later – aaaah... bliss.

Not one to be easily distracted, I continued on my mission to eat everything in sight. I’m generally put off by places such as Wimpy and Spur. I have no problem with the food, it's the kids running around freely that gets to me. My 12-hour sleep somehow made me crave the kind of breakfast only available at places with screaming children. I quickly indulged, and then figured that the best way to cap off the weekend would be to share decadent dessert with friends. Some sorbet, cheese cake and sangria later, I decided that I’d had the perfect trial-run for the holidays.

After a year filled with parties, thousands of tweets and lots of general activity, shutting down and rebooting is the only way to prepare for the New Year. Although the invitations are still rolling in and there are still quite a few bashes to attend, I’ve finally found the perfect way to wind down.

The A-Z of DJ

Tue, 23 Nov 2010 12:00 +0200

If you were at either of the Godskitchen Boombox Above and Beyond shows this weekend, you’ll know how incredible they were. What you might not know are these snippets I picked up while spending time with DJs Tony McGuinness and Jono Grant plus the rest of the crew between the shows….

Arriving at the venue with the DJs is quite exhilarating. The music inside is already thumping and the crowd are well warmed-up, each person emitting energy heavy with anticipation. People gawk, smile and squeal (yes, even the guys in the crowd).

Boombox production starts weeks before the show, with visuals selected not only to complement headlining DJs, but also to reflect the city being played in. Godskitchen’s Ed Shaw is the guy with his finger literally on the button. ‘There is a split second before every single show, just as I am about to press play, that I have this flat panic about whether I have the right visuals in place. What if I put in the wrong disc? It’s a crazy feeling. And irrational. Until now, I’ve always got it right. Touch wood,’ he tells me.

Crowded House is one of Tony’s favourite bands. Which surprised me. We sang along to one of my favourite songs, 'Italian Plastic'. Well, he sang. I hurt the air with the off-tune squeak that is my singing voice.

Disney World is where Jono spent one of his favourite holidays. He was 9 years old. Yes, that makes sense.

Espresso is the only stimulant the DJs imbibe before the show. After Friday night’s set (which was 3 and a half hours long) Jono was still feeling the caffeine’s tweaky effect. And he only had one. On Saturday he settled for a cappuccino (lightweight!).

Fans adore the duo. Leaving both events, they were flogged by followers desperate for a picture, a signature or just a hug. ‘What does it feel like to be so loved by so many?’ I asked Tony. ‘Mostly it feels quite abstract,’ he tells me. ‘But there are times where it becomes real. I remember a few years back when my dad passed away, my family and I were really struggling to find something fitting to put on his tombstone. It’s going to be there for eternity so you really want to get it right. Not long after, a fan emailed me to say that one of his friends had died. He wanted us to know that they had chosen some of our lyrics to place on his tombstone. I was really moved by that.’

Groupies. Well, yes, there may have been some backstage but I didn’t notice any and if there were, the DJs weren’t, um, biting (!?). Although there were stories being whispered of other big-name international DJs who ask for girls from the crowd to be ‘delivered’ backstage. That’s no surprise, really.

HaloLive are probably some of the most enthusiastic local followers of A&B. They had a South African flag with ‘Above and Beyond’ plus the signatures of all their friends written on as a gift for the duo. It made me proud to see. Read below for their take on Friday night's show

Itineraries aren’t cast in stone, but there are certain daily routines that evolve – probably because they tour so often. Like always having dinner together before the show. It feels very casual, like a bunch of friends gathering to break bread, rather than a precursor to a mammoth show.

James, who played two fantastic warm-up sets over the weekend, is Jono’s brother, manages A+B and is A&R at record label AnjunaDeep. But what he’s most proud of is being father to toddler, Lucas. I spent time looking at pics and vids of his son on Saturday night – hardly the mayhem and mischief I’m sure many imagined was happening backstage.

Kid-like is one way I would describe Jono. He told us about a remote-control gadget he has that can turn off television screens from a distance. With a grin, he recounted how annoyed sports fans get when he uses it in the pub. I asked him whether he thought it would work with the Boombox visuals. His eyes glistened. Ed’s turned fearful.

Like most others who love all forms of dance music, Tony cites Ibiza as the best party place in the world. (Must. Save. Money.)

Many things can go wrong during a show like this. I was told of other Smirnoff shows where plugs were inexplicably disconnected, power cut out just before the doors opened and beer was spilled on the decks just as the headlining act stepped up. In the end, it all came together though.

Nerves don’t come into play. At least, I didn’t pick up on any. The DJs walk through the backstage area and up those stairs to the boombox as if theirs was a job that didn’t involve 10 000 (and often many more) screaming, dancing maniacs hanging on their every move.

Of both shows, Joburg was the bigger crowd but both ‘brought it’ equally. Afterwards Tony tweeted: ‘Final Score in a thrilling SA weekend, Cape Town 1, Jo,burg 1! Thanks to everyone who came, can't wait to come back. Txx’

Pool is not any of these boys’ strength. Andrea Spey (Godskitchen) and I beat the guys while playing at 15 on Orange. (Okay, it was only one game, but still).

Question sessions with journos happen sporadically between gigs and the guys are more than happy to sit and chat. Tony (and the crew) had a good laugh after Roger Goode introduced him as Tony McGuire on his radio show. McGuire? As in Toby? Erm….

Response from the crowd as they get up on stage is immediate. There is an instant roar as hands are thrown in the air. The music is turned louder, the heat becomes more tangible and it’s not long before the audience are losing their inhibitions, their clothes and their minds.

Smirnoff throw good parties. Honestly, this is not a plug or payback. They are tuned into what their market wants, utilise their budgets well to bring out the right acts and treat everyone – from the audience to the media to the artists – like VIPs.

Their set is stored on a tiny chip, no bigger that my thumbnail. ‘That’s tonight’s music,’ Tony told me ahead of Friday’s show as he slipped it into his pocket. ‘What, that?’ I ask, flabbergasted that something so small could hold so much – a multitude of layered, detailed and complicated tracks that were set to form that night’s soundtrack. I don’t know the technical aspects of how dance music is produced, stored or played but I do know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of that music, surrounded by thousands of like-minded monkeys, the sound crawling on my skin and shifting my DNA. It’s a big feeling. Much bigger than that chip.

Underneath the lights and behind the music, the madness, the magic and the fame are two of the most humble, uncomplicated guys I’ve met. It’s a weak cliché: they’re nice guys. But true.

Volume backstage is not as loud as what you’re experiencing up front. Regardless, most people wear earplugs. It’s a wise move…mine are still buzzing.

Wine is the entire crew’s drink of choice with dinner but the Smirnoff vodkas come out to play once the house lights go down.

X. Crap. What could I possibly write that starts with an X from the last weekend? Nothing. Moving on…

Yelling a track request at the DJs from the crowd while they’re playing really doesn’t work. (Yes, I actually did see this happen). They can’t hear you.

Zzzzz is hard to come by. With the erratic hours, you sleep when you can. For the DJs, this meant a little after the show and a little more either in the afternoon or evening. For the Godskitchen crew…well, I don’t actually think any of them slept. As for me, I too got minimal shut-eye. So, with that in mind I sign off and head to bed. For the rest of the week.

A word from the HaloLive boys:

In our recent audio interview with Above and Beyond the question was posed as to what the expectations are of a global electronic dance music act when visiting a “modest” destination like South Africa. But this past weekend a fusion of world-class talent, production and support from the trance and progressive loving South African public came together and there was nothing modest about it.

In the ten-odd years that we have been attending such events there are invariably howls of discontent with respect to some aspect of the production. Either there are issues relating to access control, insufficient bars and staff, the quality of the musical progression through the piece or even the price paid for a ticket relevant to the perceived value of the experience. This time round, though, the only complaints fluttering around Facebook, Twitter and other social media avenues relate to the magnitude of the hangovers and the number of subsequent days written off to recovery. We at Halo have to say a big 'well done' to promoter Juaan and the guys and girls at Smirnoff for pulling off such a world-class event and putting their faith in a genre of music that has previously been much maligned as it struggled to shake off the stigma attached to it from the “rave culture” days of the late 90s and early Noughties. The sound of Anjunabeats, featuring many forthcoming tracks from Above and Beyond’s new artist album, Group Therapy, engineered a tide of swaying hands on a sea of smiling faces, and presented the best face of this music that we so love and enjoy.

To all who came out on a mild November night and proved that Cape Town and JHB can stand alongside London, New York, Moscow and more, thank you. It was magical and we can’t wait for more.

In this shot: Cathy Lund, Tony McGuinness, Giselle, Jono and James Grant.

And if you missed the party, take a listen to this...

The Breakup Sick Day

Wed, 17 Nov 2010 12:00 +0200

Put your hand up if you've ever called in sick at work because you were suffering from A Very Bad Breakup. Now, for those of you with hands down (the soldier-on types), raise one if while you were at work, suffering the symptomatic red eyes and sniffling nose, you did stuff-all all day but stare at your desk or the wall, stopping only to check your SMS's - and crying when there were none. OK, hands down, everyone.

Hime & Company, a Japanese marketing group, seems to have developed some empathy for staff going through breakups. They recently announced staff can take 'heartache leave' - employees aged 24 and under are given one day off per year; 25- to 29-year-olds get two; those older can take three days to recover. The sliding scale's presumably due to the fact the older you get, the harder it is to extricate yourself from the logistics of a long-term relationship - there are houses, dogs, Ikea futons and, sadly, possibly kids to think of.

So, how do you deal with a breakup? Do you stay at home or do you go to work and tough it out? I put this question to friends recently and they all agreed that Hime & Co were onto something. 'When my ex and I broke up, all I was capable of doing was sitting in front of the heater at home and crying. I may as well have been sick, my stomach was churning and there were plenty of tissues and snot,' says one friend, who was unceremoniously dumped by her boyfriend of two years.

Another broke up with her boy of four years and went to work the next day, but was far from productive. 'I'd be lying if I said I got anything done except reply to emails,' she says. 'Face-to-face contact was a nightmare, my eyes were so red. I wanted a distraction, but looking back, I should've just taken a day off and cried myself stupid, then come back.'

While a BSD (Breakup Sick Day) might seem an emotional indulgence to some, I think it's the way of the future. We all suffer when a long-term relationship ends but, if we're given a specific day to contain the grieving period initially, we won't mourn endlessly and fruitlessly for the next week. So, I'm calling on all employers to grant staff a much-needed 24 hours to sit at home and sniff their ex's old Billabong hoodie before pulling themselves together. It just makes individual and corporate sense…

COSMO goes Above and Beyond

Wed, 17 Nov 2010 12:00 +0200

Many moons ago (and full-moon parties ago) I lived in Anjuna, Goa, a sliver of paradise on the west coast of India. Anjuna offers ‘the island experience’ without actually being an island. It is a moment of quiet in a country that is frenetic and loud. But it is far from silent. Anjuna has an underlying soundtrack that is trance. Deep, thumping, moody trance. We spent our days playing Zen traveller and our nights shuffling in front of DJs like Tsuyoshi Suzuki and Goa Gil. From there I shuffled my way straight back to Cape Town and soon it was places like The Ostrich Farm outside Malmesbury that formed a backdrop to my trance days. That and the living-rooms of Israeli friends I had met along the way. (Few in the world love trance more than Israelis.) And then I got sidetracked by indie-rock. It happens. I lost my tie-dyed ensemble (thank goodness) but never my love for the hypnotic dance genre.

So, years later, I’m super-excited about this weekend’s Smirnoff Experience as they host one of the world’s most popular trance acts Above and Beyond (see below for more details). If you went to last year’s Smirnoff Experience headlined by Armin van Buuren, you will have an idea of what to expect. Again we will be treated to the visual onslaught that is the Godskitchen Boombox. Only this year it’ll be even bigger. And this year COSMO will be capturing the experience behind the experience as we hang out with the crew and DJs involved in this year’s production. Follow us on Twitter (look for the hashtag ABCosmo) and on Facebook over the next five days for updates on what’s happening before, during and after both the Cape Town and Jo'burg parties, starting this afternoon as we head over to the Bellville Velodrome to meet the crew and check out the massive ‘boombox’ scaffolding being assembled. Then check back on Monday for the follow-up blog.

For now, all you have to do is press play below for a half-hour Above and Beyond treat, and read on as local trance and progressive music gurus HaloLive tell us more about what to expect this weekend.

From The HaloLive Boys:
It’s observed, ménage-a-trois aside for those so inclined, that ‘three’s a crowd’. But since the triad that comprises UK trance juggernaut Above and Beyond united in 1999, Paavo Siljamaki, Jono Grant and Tony McGuiness have dispelled this notion.
Since 2004 (coinciding with their critically acclaimed BBC Radio 1 ‘Essential Mix’) Above and Beyond have been regarded as the UK’s leading authority on producing and performing emotionally engaging electronic music. Subsequently exported across six continents, their global appeal garnered two consecutive DJ Mag Top 100 top 5 finishes in 2009 and 2010. Combining punchy kickdrums, grooving basslines, happy/sad lyrics and hauntingly beautiful melodies they have presented both club and commercial hits including No One on Earth, On a Good Day, Satellites and Buzz. The latter was used by Virgin Galactic as its theme when unveiling the world’s first commercial passenger spacecraft ‘Spaceship Two’ last year.

To their legions of fans Above and Beyond are to progressive and uplifting trance what Louboutin is to shoes. And much like that pair of 10cm high calf- and posterior-enhancing leathers staring at you through the boutique window, they’ve been largely inaccessible - until now.

This weekend they make their first official visit to SA, sultrily presented within UK super club brand Godskitchen’s ‘Boombox’. Conceptualised by Parisian design house 1024, the ‘Boombox’ is a 16m-wide, 8m-high and 6m-deep audiovisual extravaganza that debuted in 2009 to 16 000 fans in the Ukraine and subsequently become the most in-demand platform by dance music fans and the world’s most influential DJs alike for delivery of their aural artistry.
Sight, sound and friends come together in climactical proportions in Cape Town this Friday (Bellville Velodrome) and Jo’burg this Saturday (MTN Expo Centre, Nasrec ). Tickets are still available through Computicket.

Freedom To Have Fun

Tue, 16 Nov 2010 12:00 +0200

Johannesburg is always a-buzz, and whether it’s day or night means very little to the party-people of this city. With the year coming to an end, invitations are flowing almost as fast as the champagne, and parties are happening everywhere.
The last few weeks have been spent dancing, coming home late and wondering where the next party will be – very different from my usual nights under the covers watching Jerseylicious and Keeping Up With The Kardashians!

The best event I was invited to was the Channel O Video awards, which were much anticipated by people from all over the continent. Being the procrastinator that I am, I waited until the last day to decide on an outfit. Luckily, one of the perks of having a junior fashion editor for a friend is that she always has an idea! After being styled and preened by COSMO’s Lilian, I picked up the rest of my friends, and we were more than ready for a night of decadent fun.

The Sandton Convention Centre was the place to be, and it was a pleasant surprise to see all the new faces. My friends and I hadn’t realised just how cute the guys from Ghana are - it looks like we have a definite destination for a 2011 holiday.

The event was well organised, with the aviation theme was really fun. After the actual awards show, we were treated to lots of food and an open bar. After checking out more eye candy and exchanging hugs with old friends, we moved onto the dance floor. There’s something so cool about having all your friends with you and a DJ that's totally switched on to your musical tastes. We ended up staying longer than planned because we realised that some of the eye candy we were enjoying were – sadly – going to be boarding a plane soon, never to be seen again...

After a series of other parties that included open bars, high-heels and a dance floor, I decided it was time to opt for a relaxing weekend. A friend had a braai and, as usual, his guests were an interesting mixture of opinionated people who, at the same time, don’t take themselves too seriously. Add some home-cooked food, a little bit of gin and a heated game of 30 seconds, and you have a Saturday to remember.

Big parties offer the chance to dress up, have a girl’s night out and hopefully spot some new talent in the eye candy department. Friends’ houses, on the other hand, are safe places to let it all hang out, where people are free to speak their minds, and everyone's more relaxed than they are at events. So, while there are no random cuties waltzing in and out, no open bar and no dance floor, you get to hang out, chill and really catch up with people you know and like. What I love about this city (and my job!) is that I'm able to choose. Here’s to freedom of fun!

The Booty Clock

Thu, 11 Nov 2010 12:00 +0200

'And we made love all night long...' You've heard it in the movies and read it in your mom's Mills & Boons, but has it ever actually happened to you? To one of your friends? No. Because, in reality, the bumping about of your delicate bits for approximately nine hours straight would result in severe chafing, extreme cramps and the use of far too much lube. Who wants that? No one. And if you do? Eww.

After years of horny hippie folk chanting the praises of Tantra, and big-mouths in bars boasting about their bedroom stamina between mouthfuls of beer, a poll of 50 sex therapists (published in the journal of Sexual Medicine) has revealed that the best sex happens in 13 minutes or less. That's the same amount of time it takes me to make Marmite toast and eat it, or start wondering what I'm doing in this yoga class in the first place.

The sexperts involved in the study say they've made this info public in an effort to help calm unrealistic beliefs that good sex must last A Very Long Time. Personally, though, I've never needed a stopwatch to help me decide whether doing the deed was worth ruining an expensive blow-dry - an orgasm usually answers that.

But, what do everyday shaggers have to say - is timing the essence of the perfect 'rude hug? 'It all depends on the circumstances,' says my friend Susie*. 'Is it a quickie? If so, then yes, 13 minutes is plenty. Ever put something in the microwave for that long and waited, starving, in front of the door? It takes forever. Having said that though, time flies when you're having fun! If my boy and I don't have to rush to work or somewhere, I'd say 13 minutes is only acceptable for Round One.'

Hmmm… Then this from my colleague, Carol-Anne*: 'Let's remember, it's not a race - but neither do you want to be lying there humming the theme song from The Neverending Story. It's all about quality, not quantity.' So true, Carol-Anne, so true.

But what do men think? Yes, their opinion counts - and we must all fly the flag for equal opportunity. According to a poll, 50 per cent of guys believe 13 minutes is too short, and that 20 minutes is the best average length of time for sex to last. Other responses from the men surveyed included, 'Sex should go for longer on Christmas and on my birthday' - one guess why - and, 'As long as all 13 standard positions are used, time is of no consequence'. Um, excuse moi, 13 standard positions? At last count there were nine less than that in my bedroom But that's another column, for another day…

Doodle Talk

Wed, 03 Nov 2010 12:00 +0200

Recently, I went spent a lazy Saturday afternoon sipping wine and catching up with my favourite group of girlfriends. As always, we did the kinds of things women do when there are no men around, like having ice in our wine and talking – in detail - about our sex lives. One friend admitted that she's terrible at giving blowjobs and, after a technical demonstration involving a squeezy bottle of All Gold Tomato Sauce (and much snorting by the rest of us), we agreed. The problem, though, was relatively minor – her oral and manual motions were simply out of sync, so we explained the 'move as one, he will come' theory, and then moved things along with another bottle and some bread and dip.

Then, another friend took the floor, boldly declaring 2010 to be her very own 'Year of No Doodle' - apparently, due to an 'eventful' '09, she'd seen the number of notches on her bed-post significantly rack up.

'No doodle at all?' I asked her.
'None,' she answered dramatically.
'If I want to meet my future husband this year having only slept with a respectable number of men, l need to put the brakes on – now!'
'But what about vintage?' asked another, resourceful friend. 'Surely you can recycle one or two guys from last year and still get some action without blowing your tally?'
My newly virtuous friend shook her head. 'There are slim pickings in old doodle, remember?'
Oh ja, we did… Recedo, the guy with the hairline situation. Yep, old doodle was definitely a no-do-over zone.

But, this doodle-talk got me thinking: women have come a long way in terms of sexual equality in recent years: in bedrooms today you'd be hard-pressed to find a woman who isn't (usually) on top, and we can discuss this fact in magazines like COSMO without shame or fear. But, despite this apparent egalitarianism (which, more than likely, sprang from the fact men like to lie back and have someone else do all the work) when it comes to the numbers game, things still don't add up.

'I don't like the Year of No Doodle,' l told my friend. 'Why should you have to stop having sex to be "respectable", when your future husband is probably out sowing his wild oats like crazy before he settles down? Why not, the Year of Quality over Quantity? Can't you just establish a three-week waiting period before you sleep with someone so you can weed out any dicks, literally and metaphorically, that you might regret later on?'

'Well,' she said, laughing and handing me her glass. 'Maybe you have a point. Put some ice in this chardonnay and I'll think about that.'

A Love To Remember

Thu, 04 Nov 2010 12:00 +0200

I’ve been involved with this guy for the past six months, and the relationship hasn’t been easy. Aside from only two visits a week and tons of emotional upheaval along the way, I'm really going to miss it now that it’s over. As you may already know, in my relationship with Idols I've been completely faithful. I only missed one episode in the entire series, and that was dramatic enough. My (real) boyfriend has had to be extremely patient, watching episode after episode along with me, and listening to my (admittedly, sometimes crazy) rants, and a few moments when I was bordering on being very Mara Louw with all my histrionics.

So finally, the Big Night arrived (feeling a bit like I imagine a wedding day would). And, like many excitable brides, I was in a state. My mind was racing. Would Elvis Blue win? Had I sent enough votes? Should I have bought another sim card to sneak in an extra 100 votes?

Idols fans have been known to get quite crazy, and over the past two weeks, there’ve been hectic disagreements about who should win. Some thought Lloyd should because he's really talented, but also because he's black and there's never been a black winner. Even though I gave some thought to the argument, I stuck to my guns and voted for Elvis because, in my opinion, he was, simply, the more talented of the two and Idols is not a race war. My opinion got me two DMs on Twitter telling me that, as a black girl, I should vote for the black guy. After quickly clicking ‘unfollow’ and ‘block’ on those accounts, I went on to spend half of my month's petrol budget voting for my man, Elvis.

The finale, when it finally came around, was exhilarating: hundreds showed up to the Mosaik Teatro in Fairlands, and it was huge excitement everywhere you turned. Interesting collaborations were put together by the Top 10, and some SA musicians such as Zolani, Steve Hofmeyer and HHP.

I enjoyed the performances as much as I could for somebody whose heart was racing faster than a taxi driver on the highway. To say I was in some kind of trance would probably be an understatement, judging by the look on my boyfriend's face which read, ‘what did I get myself into with this chick?’

After what felt like a lifetime, the winner was finally announced…Elvis Blue. True to form, I burst into tears and started dancing a jig. It felt natural for me to tweet before going on with my private party - after all, Twitter is the place where me and other like-minded fans had been gathering to dissect this relationship we’d all become so involved in.

When Elvis announced that he would be sharing the prize money with Lloyd, it all fell into place for me. Sure this is TV, but judging by the amount of investment we'd all put into it, it had become a lot more to a lot of people. That gesture, and the genuine friendship that had grown between Lloyd and Elvis, showed the country that there’s so much more to we human beings than winning and money, and it laid to rest all the race arguments that initially were being hurled around by disgruntled viewers. It showed that, way after the season has wrapped and after the show is over, love and kindness are what bind all of us together. Here’s to a great love affair.

The 'No Plans' Plan

Thu, 28 Oct 2010 12:00 +0200

There I was, making communal kitchen conversation on a Friday morning as I chopped kiwifruit. Office workers will be familiar with the age-old script: 'I'm excited! What are you doing this weekend? I love your outfit, are you going out tonight?' These lines are invariably followed by the verbatim vice-versa come Monday morning: 'I'm tired. What did you get up to? Don't look at my outfit; I've had a big weekend...'

Recently, however, this long-established kitchen discourse has undergone a serious makeover. Everywhere, women are ditching over-committed weekends in favour of gleefully announcing they have 'no plans'. And feeling fantastic for it. It wasn't too long ago that having nothing to do on a weekend indicated your status as a social pariah; it was far from exciting, nor anything to exclaim to co-workers with glee. But there's been a seismic shift in what is considered a 'cool' way to spend your Saturday and Sunday. It's almost as if someone had overheard Kate Moss saying she'd be cleaning the house and watching DVDs of 24 all weekend – yep, suddenly it's the latest trend being 'tried on' by women everywhere. And guess what? It fits.

For me, sending panicked SMSes to pad out the hours between a Saturday manicure and Sunday lunch with Mom is a thing of the past. I've strategically planned to do nothing on the weekends for some time now and the reason is simple: I'm so tired from weekday life, I've had to learn to say no. For example, do I want to go out until 2am, spend the equivalent of a pair of Nine West heels on drinks and taxis, and feel like arse the next day? No, but thanks for asking… can we do coffee instead?

Don't get me wrong, I still have fun, but these days fun is a Friday night drink, backed up with brunch and a day at the beach. Over-committing once made me feel popular, as if my life was full. But, like many women, I've made a new commitment to give myself a break. And my life is 'fuller', because I now have more energy to enjoy it.

Monday rolls around and, creature of habit that I am, I'm chopping my kiwi again, chatting with colleagues about the movies we saw, yoga classes we took, and outfits that resulted from the soul-lifting amount of washing we did. Doesn't it just make you want to… do nothing?

A Rooftop Affair

Wed, 27 Oct 2010 12:00 +0200

There are very few people I know who would say no to cocktails and entertainment on a rooftop on a sunny ride afternoon. This is why when I was invited to the NIK NAKS their launch, I ran out of the office at the speed of Lindsay Lohan running out of rehab.

The venue was the Rooftop and the uber trendy 44Stanley in Milpark. Well-known for bustling with fashionistas and arty-types, in a trendy and refreshing setting, there is nothing like it in Johannesburg. After a trek up the stairs, my partner and I were greeted by Parkour Jumpers. As amazing as this form of art is, it made me tense for the first hour. I kept thinking 'If one of these boys falls off this roof, I will die.' In reality they would, but let's not get morbid.

Psyfo was the MC for the event and he took us through the NIK NAKS journey, although there are very few people who don't know the brand. I have childhood and varsity memories of NIK NAKS – mainly me spending my money on shoes while living on NIK NAKS and rolls. When we finally got down to official business, the launch of the new Spicy Tomato flavour, lots of goodie bags were passed around and everyone happily tasted and agreed this flavour would be a welcome snack at 5am on a Sunday morning after a cheese burger pie.

After a brief overview of what plans the brand has in store for the rest of SA, Crazy White boy took to the decks to get the crowd in a weekend spirit. 'Is it too early to be enjoying gin so early?' asked my friend.

I've never enjoyed being the last to leave a party. But this party was an exception. When the maintenance staff began clearing away the chairs, some hung their heads, but I moved onto the next party armed with spicy tomato NIK NAKS.

Cash Crush

Thu, 21 Oct 2010 12:00 +0200

I wandered through a department store recently, stroking and fondling things I had no right to. No, no, not the staff – shoes. But not just shoes shoes, I'm talking Prada, Chloe, Marc Jacobs and Stella McCartney shoes. The target of my affection was a pair of superb black-and-gold YSL pumps, which whispered to my credit card in a language only they share. I caressed the ankle straps and considered how much envy they'd inspire in my friends, how toned my calves would look in them, how hot they'd be with… Then l went home with a pair of R300 ankle boots. And an intense Cash Crush.

Just like a crush on your best friend's brother, the Cash Crush is not only based on aesthetic desire but a knowledge that you can't have it. Your salary will put a stop to that. (And if it doesn't, car repayments/kids/the addiction to poker will.) But the fact you can't have an object of desire won't stop you thinking about it. On the contrary, a Cash Crush – especially the fashion kind – consumes you. Until the next one comes along, anyway.

You'll experience little heart flutters when your 'crush' comes to mind, you'll devise 'clothing compilations' around it and you'll find any excuse to bring it up in conversation, with anyone. (Except your boyfriend because he would rather eat shoes than hear about those bloody shoes again.)

Anyone who ached for pink rollerblades as a seven-year-old knows the Cash Crush is nothing new, but the modern day version is out of control: we're punching well above our weight division. This is, in large part, thanks to our obsession with celebs and what they wear. No longer is 'a brown slouchy bag' an acceptable retail craving. No, now we hunger for Balenciaga's brown slouchy bag. And jeans? An R400 pair won't do. We want Ksubi because that's what Lindsay and Mischa wear. It's not that we're unhappy with our stuff from our local department stores… it's just we'd be happier if they were complemented with those hot Christian Louboutin heels we saw Ashley Olsen wearing.

And it's not all about fashion. My friend Sal, who has temporarily elected to spend her money on a stainless steel fridge and a LCD flat screen TV over social activity, says she needs her appliances to look designer, 'Or I get embarrassed when people come round'.

Sal's not alone. We hunger for the latest iPod even though our current one works fine. We dream of buying a R7 000 cockapoodle, when a staffy from the pound would be better karma-wise, and we can't help wishing our trip to Namibia was a trip to New York.

The key to diluting a Cash Crush is to switch your desire into gratitude for what you already have. Take stock of all the cool stuff you own, and think back to how desperately you needed those things once, too. I remember a man once telling me, 'Anyone can wear expensive clothes and look ordinary; it's wearing cheap clothes and looking amazing that's admirable.' Word.

Now I'm aware most of my Cash Crushes are obsessions with objects for the obscenely rich, and I'm enjoying what I already own. I now love my R300 boots. I get loads of compliments and they are exactly like a pair Kate Moss wears. Now all I need is that Burberry trench of hers…

Pink Is The New Cheeky

Tue, 19 Oct 2010 12:00 +0200

Thursday nights, or Phuza Thursday as some fondly say, are always tricky for me. Somewhere between cocktails and fun times, lies an eight hour working day. So I tread carefully, trying hard not to upset my free spirited 'let's drink and dance until the sun comes up' and the 'I love my job so let me do it well' self. So when I headed out to the Brutal Fruit Cheeky launch, I knew I would need more than just a cheeky outfit to survive the night unscathed.

Twitter was abuzz with tweeps desperately trying to get their hands on the invitations; some even begged. The plush venue, ZAR at the Radisson Blu GauTrain hotel in Sandton, has become one of Jo'burg's biggest party spots. We arrived to a paparazzi-like wallpaper with camera flashes going off in every direction. The dress code for the evening was black with a touch of pink and true to form, the city's socialites came dressed accordingly.

Everyone was armed with pink Brutal Fruit's, which made it easier to mingle. The touch of pink in our glasses was a great way to compliment people's outfits. Bonang Matheba was the host for the evening and she kept the crowd entertained with her dramatic flair and contagious laughter. She even had a Skype chat with Kim and Kourtney Kardashian – they're heading to South Africa in December for more Brutal Fruit Cheeky Cranberry parties. And a lucky lady won herself an Audi and more will be joining her.

Plenty of schmoozing and air kisses were exchanged and I was happy to see old faces. We ate, mingled and when the hip-hop set came on, it was time to hit the dance floor. My plan was to be home by 10pm but the beats dictated my schedule. After all I met people I hadn't partied with since Varsity days, so leaving wouldn't have fitted the cheeky theme.

A few Brutal Fruits later, I was ready to swap my heels for flip flops but headed out to the balcony for those weird conversation smokers usually indulge in. A slightly intoxicated lady spoke to my friends and I about it raining semen (don't ask, I'm still traumatised). But luckily it started raining had and we managed to escape the rest of the conversation.

A few more cocktails later and about another hour on the dance floor made the balcony experience seem like a distant memory. This was by far one of the best together events of 2010. Look out for the December parties and be cheeky, it could just get you a new set of wheels.

TMI (Too Much Information!)

Thu, 14 Oct 2010 12:00 +0200

What some people blog, vlog and flog on the Internet never ceases to amaze me. A few years ago, I was sent a link to a site set up by a UK woman who couldn't afford laser hair removal, so she appealed to cyberspace to raise funds for the deforestation of her bikini line. Online shoppers could purchase a single pube for around R1 350 in exchange for a small homepage ad – with an option to receive the goods in the real-life (RL) mail. And here I am, all this time, going for a budget Brazilian at my local salon and, it seems, waxing away a veritable goldmine.

Using the Internet to appeal for financial help isn't new. Karyn Bosnak, of www.savekaryn.com fame, polarised the trend when she established a site asking for one dollar from 20 000 people to pay off her credit card debt. Since cyberspace saved Karyn, it's amazing how far other 'entrepreneurs' are willing to go – and exactly how much they're willing to give of themselves to make a buck online.

Google it and you'll find women selling their dirty underwear or sweaty workout gear to perves across the globe. We've even seen then-18-year-old UK student Rosie Reid removed from eBay after trying to auction her virginity for £10, 000 (R108 400) to pay university fees. She eventually sold it on her own website for around R135 000. Selling out on the Internet appears to be a lucrative business, but what about the personal cost? The virtual realm enables people to enter to a comfort zone they don't enjoy in RL. Ask yourself: would 'milliondollarpubes' sell raffle tickets at the local pub to support her hair-free cause? No, because in reality, a firewall stands between us and gratuitous over-sharing with strangers – namely, the indignity, regret and shame.

I'm currently saving for an overseas holiday to New York and Mexico. And while it seems I could add weight to my bank balance by inviting cyberspace to splash out on my toenail clippings or old loofah gloves, I'd rather retain my freakish aversion to over sharing on the Internet (yes, friends who send requests, that's the real reason I don't have Facebook) and earn my trip the RL way – by stashing R500 each pay day. It's slower than broadband, but you know what? I can live with that.

Pyjama Jam

Wed, 13 Oct 2010 12:00 +0200

I receive a lot of invitations to events, and most of them require me to wear cocktail dresses and look pretty. So when I was invited to a pyjama party, I didn't know what to do with myself. Firstly, I haven't owned a pair of pyjamas in years. I prefer to sleep naked and if I'm really forced to be chained down by restrictive clothes while I sleep, then a T-shirt does the trick.

This event was hosted by Pink Drive to raise awareness about breast cancer, so I called my friends who are into the pyjama theme and we made a date to party in our jammies. And then, of course, I set out to find some – my boyfriend wasn't too happy when I dragged him along without him realising no sexy lingerie would be bought.

That night the girls and I headed out to the beautifully decorated SiSi, a restaurant in Rivonia. The décor was pink (what else?) and tables were adorned with delicious desserts, making many women in their night clothes happy.

After exchanging formalities about the amazing work Pink Drive is doing, we were truly in for a surprise! Out of nowhere music began pumping and Speedo-clad boys flooded the room, gyrating away. Now that's how COSMO girls like to party!

'I thought you said this was a pyjama party, not a strip club,' one friend whispered. Gob smacked, we watched as the 20 or so men began dancing. So we did what any self-respecting COSMO girls would do; we joined them on the dance floor.

After working up a sweat, we tucked into a huge cake which was baked in the shape of boobs in a pink bra.

I hadn't realised until that evening how much fun one can have in pyjamas. Not only was this a great cause to support, even the Speedo boys were doing their part too. (Apparently the boys were trying to raise awareness for prostate cancer, which explains the barely-there bottoms.)

During the month of October, do your bit too; there's lots of fun to be had while helping to educate the masses. Even if it means stripping down a little.

The Disco-Kiss Test

Thu, 07 Oct 2010 12:00 +0200

Findings by a New York university has revealed women place more emphasis on a first kiss and are more reliant on kissing as a 'friend assessment technique' than men, with the scientists claiming we've developed the disco-kiss as an evolutionary tool to find the right father for our kids. Insert Cher singing 'The Shoop Shoop Song' here… now there's proof It's In His Kiss. Yeah, That's Where It Is! Oh, Oh, Oh… Hug him…

Sorry.

A kiss, the research says, is a 'complicated exchange of information' – a woman's breath is an indication of her hormone levels and fertility, and a man's is a sign of his virility (with his saliva containing traces of testosterone). Talk about pressure to perform! Surely a first kiss comes with enough butterflies, (tongue or no tongue?). Do we really need the impending fate of marriage and babies flapping in our guts as well?

My own such kiss was at a backyard party with a pirate theme – not exactly the best setting for a life-changing judgment to be made. Was my breath fertile? I'd just eaten a sausage roll… Could I taste his raging testosterone? Actually, I think it was beer… And, guess what? We lived happily ever after, despite sharing 'information' that probably indicated a need to chew gum. This is because the first kiss isn't an exact science, and that's really half the fun. The ritual of kissing is found in 90% of human cultures, and in animals too. It's a universal means of showing affection. But in our world, where first kisses commonly occur as stolen moments in bars, cars and at pirate parties, it's hardly a fool-proof screening technique for finding The One.

Research starts with a hypothesis, and I'd like to propose one requiring further study by white coats: A guy may be a good kisser, but when it comes to relationship potential, for women, it's what happens after the kiss that counts. The experiment: Does he call you, often, and when he says he will? Is he kind and funny? Can he argue without anger? Will he share his friends and family, and the couch rug on cold nights? The result: while kissing is beautiful, chemistry creates a powerful attraction and Cher can sing a catchy tune, if a guy really is the Daddy of your unborn children, a nervous clash of teeth or scratchy beard won't count him out.

… Now, That's Where It Is! Oh, Oh, Oh…

Race Away

Tue, 05 Oct 2010 12:00 +0200

There are very few things that'll get me out of bed at 6am – the prospect of some 'guess who got it all this morning' sex and the sound of my nephew Bo wanting to play. The one brings me great pleasure while the latter is just my way of making sure that when I'm 80 and senile, Bo will be obliged to sneak some gin into my old age home. When I was invited to go on a car racing expedition with the Top 7 Idols finalists, my immediate answer was yes. Being the reality TV junkie that I am, I spend my Sunday evenings in bed watching while I tweet. During this time, no one's allowed to call me; I'm far too busy for that type of random distraction.

After accepting the invite, I was happily planning the event in my head when I got an e-mail saying we were going to be meeting at 7am. It took three days and a lot of whining for me to finally realise this is something I really wanted to do. So I headed out on Monday morning, half asleep but very excited.

I had a strategy; I wouldn't be overly nice to those I'd been talking mess about on Twitter. My heart wouldn't let me be that fake.

When the Top 7 first walked in I was struck by how beautiful Adeline is. She had no make up on and she still managed to look better than she does on TV. Then Elvis Blue, one of my absolute favourites walked in. To say the man is super sexy would be an understatement, so immediately I was awake and wondering why I hadn't bothered to put on any eyeliner.

We split into two groups, a mixture of journalists and Idols. I was in a group with Boki (another favourite of mine), my new crush Elvis, and Adeline. We were taught how to manoeuvre trendy Ford Figo's on a skidpan. After we got over our initial bouts of nerves, we had a blast competing to see which one of us was the most fearless driver.

After a series of other driving exercises, we took time to just hang out, get to know each better and share a tasty meal. I found Pieter West and Jess (who was sent home this week) to be more reserved. Pieter had a boyish shyness about him which I found quite endearing.

I ended up spending loads of time with Elvis and Boki (who I promised to reacquaint myself with when he's five years older). Lloyd was also a pleasure to be around, warm and sweet, just how he seems on the show. We discussed marriage and careers, and it felt like a catching up with friends I hadn't seen in a while. That's the gift and the curse of TV, we sometimes feel like we already know the people we watch on our screens. To find out that they are really cool people off the camera was fascinating.

After a tasty lunch, lots of laughter and a little bit of flirting from me (or maybe a lot, it depends who you ask), I headed home. New friends, helpful driving skills and a new crush was not a bad way to start a week.

When You Fall For A Taken Man

Thu, 30 Sep 2010 12:00 +0200

Dr Thomas Lewis, co-author of A General Theory of Love (Random House) says many women will have feelings for a claimed man at some point, because we're wired to covet things that are hard to get. And these kinds of feelings can seriously disrupt your emotional wellbeing. Crushes are generally harmless if you don't act on them. (If you do, you can expect some major fallout.) Still, there's just something irresistible about the unavailable guy…

Leggings, jumpsuits, ballet flats, shift dresses – these trends catch on because humans have natural impulses to seek out hot commodities. This is true with guys, too: if another woman (especially one you respect) digs him, in your mind he registers as quality goods. But you've got to put it in perspective – he only seems flawless because you are checking him out from a distance. 'You don't know what he's like behind closed doors,' says Lewis. Who knows what nasty habits he's hiding?

Ever wanted a rare handbag so badly, you drove to a shopping centre two hours away to track it down? That same strain of desire is what afflicts you when a guy with a girlfriend catches your eye. 'It's called frustration attraction: the more difficult something is to attain, the more we long for it,' says Helen Fisher, author of Why We Love (Holt McDougal). Here's how it works: every time you have a craving, your brain releases a chemical called dopamine into your body, which invigorates you to go after your goal. When an obstacle (in this case, his girlfriend) prevents you from getting the target, your brain pumps out extra dopamine, making you super-focused on the hunt. To tame it, 'Remind yourself that it may be just the challenge may is firing you up rather than the actual guy,' says Arthur Aron, psychology professor and author of Love And The Expansion of Self (Hemisphere).

Finding The One can be pretty tough. It's hard weeding through the C-listers to meet an A-grade partner, and that may be why you're obsessing about The Taken Man – it means you can avoid the singles scene. Ask yourself, do you have a thing for this guy because it's easier than looking for a partner of your own?

To shift your energy to an available man, pinpoint what you admire in the off-limits guy (i.e, he's funny and kind). 'This will guide you to what you want in a man,' says Dr Lewis. And wouldn't you sleep better knowing you'd got him fair and square?

The Take Care

Thu, 23 Sep 2010 12:00 +0200

I dated this guy once. We fell in lust; played sleepovers; introduced our friends; SMSed each other incessantly, and proposed things we knew we’d never follow through with. It was glorious. Then, he went overseas for two months. At first we SMSed daily. We enthusiastically pursued Skype. Then it trickled down to the odd e-mail. Finally, it waned to sporadic SMSes when we were drunk or lonely. And then one day I SMSed him and got this reply: ‘Hey babe. I’m buying fresh lobster at the markets. Hope everything’s good in your world. Take care x.’

AT THAT MOMENT I KNEW IT WAS OVER…
I had been ‘Take Cared’. And when you’ve been Take Cared, you simply get your coat and leave quietly. Or else you risk being a ‘Person Who Just Doesn’t Get It’ and these are the people who earn the unfortunate role of ‘The Psycho’ in dating folklore.

When the guy you’re seeing finishes a SMS, e-mail or conversation with Take Care, it’s him saying, ‘Hey, we had fun, but I’ve moved on, so look after yourself, and, well, probably don’t contact me anymore.’

‘But, but,’ screams your heart, ‘Can it not just be him genuinely wishing me health and happiness?’ Sure it can. For good. Because what can you write back to Take Care? Aside from, ‘You too’. You can’t write squat. It’s designed to come across as final, because it is final.

The genius of the Take Care lies in its subtlety – it’s at once pleasant and brutal. When I told my friends I’d been Take Cared, no explanation was required. ‘Oooh, ouch,’ said one. ‘What a pussy,’ said another.

Was he a pussy? Well, yes and no. He at least had the decency to use the new universal codeword for ‘It’s over’. But he also took the liberty of playing Relationship Executioner without asking me whether I too thought our expiry date had been reached.

We decided he was an asshole. Below my tough-guy exterior, I was hurt. But on some foul karmic strata within, I knew I deserved my Take Care… After all, how many times had I Take Cared guys?

IT WAS ACTUALLY INVENTED BY GIRLS
Women Take Care guys a lot. We’re too emotionally aware to simply never call again (like guys do), so we say something ‘nice’ instead. (Then we never call again.) For us, saying Take Care is like the ‘Drive Safe’ or the ‘Look After Yourself’. It’s that motherly thing; it’s innate.

Know this one? A new guy you’re ‘not really feeling’ shows some interest. You say, ‘Thanks so much, blah blah, soooo busy. Take Care.’ The words may vary slightly (‘Speak soon,’ or ‘Have a great weekend’ minus the hope-giving ‘xx’ – are popular choices), but the formula is the same: we issue the Take Care and get on with things – happy it ended sans bad blood. And therein lies the reason we ladies hate getting Take Cared; it has always been our relationship-severing device.

THERE ARE WORSE DATING FATES…
The Take Care isn’t a particularly nice thing to experience. But it’s a whole lot better than the deafening roar of silence. So, the next time you see or hear those two little words, remember what you said to the last guy you ‘weren’t that into’. Because if what you said to him wasn’t, ‘I’m gay,’ chances are, you gave him the Take Care.

Seems all really is fair in love and dating. You take care now...

Girls Night Gets Educational

Wed, 22 Sep 2010 12:00 +0200

I like to think of myself as a liberal girl and most of my friends are the same. To maintain a balance in my life, I’m also friends with people who are more conservative than me – this generally means people who won’t think midget porn is appropriate dinner table conversation. But last week I received an e-mail from *Lungile, one of my slightly more conservative family members, asking if I could give her tips on how to give a good blow job.

My first reaction was to laugh out loud. When did I become the go-to-girl for sex tips? Sure I work for COSMO, but I didn’t know whether to feel embarrassed or not. So I decided to ask *Morgan, a friend of mine who is anything but conservative, if she thought it was okay to hand out these kinds of tips to docile loved ones.

I’ve had my fair share of experiences, most of the ranging from good to great. After my years o trying new things, the last thing I wanted was to rob my cousin of the chance to explore and experiment. Sure I can rattle of the COSMO dos and don’ts, but would it be fair? Probably not, as my very wise gin-loving friend pointed out. ‘The whole aim of exploring your sexuality is that you try things out yourself and build from there,’ she said.

So I invited my cousin over for drinks. Thinking back, I recalled how she used to gag at the very mention of a penis. So for her to be using the word in the same sentence as ‘fun’ and ‘I want to’ was enough to make us break out the finest gin and celebrate.

Two hours into our ‘cock tales’, we decided a little bit of encouragement would go a long way in helping this sister out, and drew up five simple and not very graphic commandments.

BLOWJOBS 101
1. Relax, it’s supposed to be fun and it’s really not rocket science.
2. Don’t do it if you’re not comfortable.
3. No one is interested in your teeth, please keep those to yourself.
4. Balls have a tendency to feel neglected, you don’t have to pop them in your mouth, but you can touch them.
5. Most guys are extremely grateful that you’re willing to go down on them, and often return the favour.

At COSMO we’ve been sharing our best tips with our readers for years. So, should the occasion ever arise when a girlfriend asks you for a few bedroom tips, simply direct her to the experts. Us! Go on…share with your friends.

Rumour Racing

Thu, 16 Sep 2010 12:00 +0200

When the news came through that Michael Jackson had passed away, I was waking up and rolled over reaching for my Blackberry. I checked my Twitter account and gasped ‘Michael Jackson’s dead!’ It was, oooh, maybe two or three hours after the news had broken on TMZ.

I was shocked. Immediately I SMSed my best friend and also boyfriend. Boyfriend hit back with, ‘I know, sad huh?’ Best friend came back with, ‘I know, how sad… it’s a Lady Di moment.’

I was now not only super-shocked about the death, but in shock. How did they know this so soon? I shouldn’t have been so surprised. News, rumour and gossip now possess their own brand of speed. And as it surpasses both the speed of light and sound, it makes things extra-difficult when you prefer giving, not receiving, gossip.

Yep, forget skimming the newspaper – checking gossip sites and blogs to see what’s fresh in Celebrity Land’s has been the before-work ritual for years. See, we need to stay in touch with those who know the gossip first on a macro-scale, so we can be the ones to report it on a micro-scale, whether that’s at the office or within friendship circles.

No Prizes For Coming In Second
Now you have to know the latest gossip to get people’s attention. And you’ve got to know it pretty much the nanosecond it happens, because if everyone already knows the news, you just look out-of-touch.

But why do we care about wanting to break news first? Why do we need to win the Rumour Race? Why do we panic if we get some salacious gossip or the hot new YouTube clip, and can’t re-send it that second because our Inbox is full? Well, it’s less about the fodder and more about the need to report. And report first. After all, what’s more enticing than being able to say to Emma, ‘So… did you hear about Jill?’, when you know Emma most definitely has not heard about Jill. She in the know equals hero. She is the Great Holder of Knowledge.

Is Winning Really About Losing?
Ultimately, gossip is a form of lady one-upmanship. Men have rugby and plasma TVs to illuminate prowess within their gender – we have the Rumour Race. Celebrities aside, if you know the big news within your social/family circle first, you clearly have good moral fibre to be trusted with the knowledge and brilliant sources. It’s a status symbol. The verbal equivalent of a Gucci bag.

Or is it a fake Gucci bag? Is the practice of spreading stories – malicious or not – really so admirable? Is it as empowering as we believe it to be? Probably not.

Yes, providing verbal kerosene gives a thrill, but next time someone beats you to the punch, just let it go. It doesn’t matter. Life is so fast now that by the time the Internet, SMS and e-mail have done their work, news is old in around three minutes, anyway. You’re far better off impressing your friends by reading COSMO and entertaining them with clever new terms…

Spring Fever

Tue, 14 Sep 2010 12:00 +0200

There’s something about spring that not only brings life to people, it comes with a touch of folly as well. This is my 26th spring and for the last 10 seasons I’ve taken part in the craziness – usually with minimal clothing and a cocktail in my hand.

I decided that the spring of 2010 will be my grown-and-sexy-spring. This means just as much fun as before, except kissing random men and drinking more than my weight will no longer be an option. (I used to be quite good at pulling into random men, but I guess growing up changes a lady.)

As I manoeuvre myself around the city, watching the crowds catch ‘spring fever’, I wonder if the seasonal behaviour has anything to do with the sudden burst of pollen in the air. This doesn’t happen in winter, we’re all too busy trying to figure out the warmest way to move from the couch to the bed. A friend of mine has succumbed to the love craze that’s blossomed in Jo’burg. She met a boy, 10 days later decided she was in love with this boy, and is now rearranging her life around said boy.

Another friend has quit her job and is probably having cocktails somewhere as I write this. She has no source of income and no Plan B, but somehow the cocktails will be poured. Despite my grown and sexy summer plans, I am now jealous. Why haven’t I lost myself to spring yet?

When I was invited to an open discussion with my liberal, bordering on hippie friends last night, I knew this could be where the fun finally finds me (minus the Fanta party). We spoke about sex, we laughed until it hurt, but this wasn’t really unusual. So, this morning, I was left feeling slightly empty.

I began thinking that maybe this lack of the uncontrollable need to shake off winter with random men and cocktails had been caused by my newfound aunt status. Then my sister reminded me that baby Bo is six months old and doesn’t care what I do with my life.

So, desperately trying to recapture the spring fever, I decided on something else. I have decided to look at my life as the exciting journey that it already is. Sure I’m not lazing on the beach with hot Greek men or sunbathing on a yacht in St Tropez. I am, however, sipping cocktails at fabulous places, reading books in bed with a man I love, singing karaoke sober, having toe curling sex, and sitting on my roof in a bikini on hot Sunday afternoons. Here’s to my 26th spring!

The Boyfriend Cave

Thu, 09 Sep 2010 12:00 +0200

You and your best friend do everything together. Boxing twice a week. E-mailing/SMSing each other 43 times a day. Performing exhaustive mutual outfit consultation for Big Nights Out. Returning home mid-dawn after dancing and breaking hearts. Then she finds A Guy.

They fall into a wild frenzy of courtship and lust. She also falls off the face of the earth. Your phone goes silent, weekends are lonely and eventually you start to get closer to Other Best Friend, because Occupied Friend may as well have moved to Turkey. Five months later, the perfect couple split and your phone trills. Occupied-Now-Vacant Friend wants a shoulder to cry on, a bottle of bubbly and a new dress for the next Big Night Out.

‘Well,’ you think to yourself, ‘It appears she’s finally out of The Boyfriend Cave.’

The Boyfriend Cave is where a woman retreats when she’s in a new relationship, leaving her life – and friends – to wait expectantly outside for her to re-emerge. That’s if she ever does; some women quite like the Cave life. It affords them happiness, comfort and all the time they want with the only person currently renting real estate in their head. Single life seems hard in comparison – busy, frantic, uneventful… even meaningless.

It’s hard to be the one left behind when a friend enters The Cave. Whether you’re already in a relationship yourself, or you’re single and now one friend down, it’s strange to lose someone you adore to a person they have literally known for weeks. You feel replaced, neglected, indignant. And then, when it carries on past the reasonable honeymoon period – three months in The Cave is all a loyal friend should stand for – you start to feel angry.

You are happy for her, of course you are, but what happened to mates before dates? How dare she simply drop you for a guy, after all you’ve shared? And where is her sense of friendship? Doesn’t she know there’s no better way to keep man interested than by keeping your life while in a relationship! You’d never do this to her! Or would you? Well, you might.

When you’re falling in love you become so dizzy you don’t eat, sleep or breathe much, and you fall behind on calling Mom, let alone your friends. After a few months, the vast amount of time you and ‘Schnooky’ spend together seems natural: you can’t even remember how much you used to hang with the girls, and, well, to suddenly call them up and suggest a drink ‘like old-time’ brings with it unbearable awkwardness.

So you drift further apart; the betrayer housing a blend of guilt and denial, and the betrayees a simmering resentment. Sometimes the damage is irreversible, or you’ll get grudging acceptance with a hint of thinly veiled sarcasm (‘Ohhh, so you do still have my number’), but an apology and genuine forgiveness will work to begin healing things.

While it can be frustrating to watch, you can’t blame a friend for going into The Boyfriend Cave. After all, you may nest in there yourself one day. (But hopefully you won’t after reading this.) What you can do is gently remind your friend that you love her so much that you insist on maintaining at least one activity a week together. And if she still doesn’t make an effort after a while? Tell her how you feel before you go and write her off completely. She may be too scared to broach it with you, and you owe your friendship that much. No love even then? Send her a lady-loincloth and move on. She’s clearly living in the Stone Age.

The Self-Startler

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 12:00 +0200

Picture this: the guy you’re dating has just asked you away for the weekend. He smiles at you expectantly. His excitement is both contagious and astonishing. Since when did guys suggest The First Weekend Away after just 11 days and three hours? Then again, he’s been pretty full-on since you met. Not in an ‘away with you, you slimy stalker’ kind of way, but in a ‘this guy’s not beating around the bush’ kind of way. In fact, he’s all but standing in the middle of the bush with a neon sign saying, ‘I'm so ready for a relationship!’ But what you may not realise is that this guy could be a self-startler.

The self-startler is a fascinating male specimen. He bowls into your life spewing affection, calls, SMSes, dates, kisses and dinners in a way that leaves you spinning and believing there really are people out there who don’t play games. (As opposed to those who say they don’t, but screen your calls and wait two days to return an SMS.) And then, in a quiet moment, he reflects on his behaviour and is startled about how fast the relationship is going. (Hence his title: self-startler). He then disappears.

Self-startlers show 100% interest, immediately. They pounce as soon as you log on to Skype. They call you twice a day. They suggest going to see a movie, then set up a concrete time and day, which they then follow through with, pay for and end with a gentlemanly kiss. In short, they propel a relationship at a pace usually reserved for men in white slacks throwing red balls at men holding bats in equally fetching white slacks.

It all happens so fast and is of such intensity, you get caught up in the ride and start doing non-you things, like seeing him every day or wearing tracksuit pants on the third date. But one random day, it all stops… a seismic relationship shift occurs.

It goes from him gushing ‘l can’t wait for you to meet Mom!’ on Sunday evening to a deafening silence on Monday. No beep-beeps, no bring-brings, no bold name in your inbox; it’s as though he‘s fallen off the proverbial end of the earth. And because he’s been making so much damn noise the past few weeks, you genuinely fear he has actually fallen off something. (Your roof as he was leaving flowers outside your window, possibly.)

When Wednesday rolls around and you haven’t heard a peep, you send a breezy-yet- meticulously-edited SMS, only to get this bomb in reply: ‘Sorry, been busy. I’ve been thinking we should put the brakes on a bit. Take care and let’s have coffee sometime.’ What the hell?!

This is what happened: he freaked himself out. He peaked too early and, well, he scared himself off. You, for the record, had nothing to do with it; you were just a pawn in the whirlwind of his intoxicating courtship.

But how can there exist such a devastating hot-to-cold transition? It’s called a moment of clarity. Somewhere in his head, his bachelor-boy alter ego manages to get five minutes of airtime and grabs his accelerator boy part of his personality (who’s humming love songs and planning The Next Perfect Date), and says, ‘Fool! What are you doing? At this rate you’ll be living together within a week! Have you forgotten what it’s like to be carefree and single?’ At which point Accelerator Boy realises, yep, he’s in too deep and needs to bail. Pronto.

It could be that he was just role-playing, trying the whole relationship scenario on before buying (and finding) it didn’t quite fit. Or he might genuinely have believed he was in love and quite liked it, but then it all became too overwhelming. (His fault entirely, of course).

Sadly, there’s no way to predict whether you’re being swooned by a self-startler. And some guys do actually operate in an intensely romantic Gone with the Wind type of way, so you can’t just dismiss any guy who shows fairy-tale-style interest in you. Sure, keep your head firmly attached when you stroll into Relationship Town, but keep an open mind, too. Enjoy the walk. After all, even if he does suddenly freak out and rack off, if you’ve been dating a self-startler, you probably enjoyed the kind of turbo-romantic courting most of us only dream about. And that would never be something you’d regret, would it?

Jozi Nights - Why I May Start Drinking Beer

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 12:00 +0200

Fun and fearless as I am, I’m one of those women who have always had a problem with other women drinking beer. You see, my mothers voice lives in my head; even in my sleep I can hear what she would be saying in any given instance. Through the years I managed to shut out of that voice from time to time but it has always led to disaster – like my smoking habit.

My mom is against women drinking. But the thing that horrifies her (and me) the most is the sight of a woman holding a beer bottle. There's something about brown bottles that screams shebeen, or maybe it has more to do with the fact that I grew up in a township. Although I’m not much better with my double gin and tonic in hand, I’ve always convinced myself that it’s at least not in a brown bottle.

A few weeks ago I was happy with my beer judgement when Peroni decided to invite me to two of their events. ‘I wonder what makes them think I’m a beer girl,’ was my first thought, and then I and decided to go, being the investigative journalist that I am.

On a sunny Sunday afternoon I headed to the first Peroni event – and my first polo game – with my best friend in tow. We walked into a beautifully styled marquis with beautiful girls in red dresses welcoming us in. The food was exquisite, the music perfect for a laid back Sunday afternoon and the crowd was a classy mix of trendy socialites and well-dressed corporate types. Although there were plenty of Peroni bottles all over the room, at no point did it feel like a rugby-match-type occasion. ‘Maybe beer isn’t always so manly and gross,’ I whispered to my friend.

A few days later, it was Phuza Thursday and perfect for a girls night out. Every last Thursday of the month, Jo’burg is graced with Analogue Nites – a mixture of live entertainment and hot DJs on the decks. These nights are for a slightly older crowd, post graduate with no intention of acting the fool and no need to baby sit their best friends. This was the scene for the second Peroni party.

Dressed in pumps and excitement at the thought of a 340ml performance and a few mixes by DJ Kenzhero, I began wondering if my prejudice against beer wasn't a bit old fashioned, and frankly unfair. With these recent events, Peroni is on a mission to personify style, class and a fun attitude. And clearly it's working. It's got an anti-beer girl like me changing my perceptions. Who knows, maybe next time you’ll spot me holding a green bottle, if I can find that mute button on my mother’s voice.

Little Miss Wingwoman

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 12:00 +0200

I was at the races recently when an attractive young woman approached me. She smiled, asked my name, commented on my dress and then casually asked if I was there with my boyfriend. I wondered if she was selling something, but she hadn’t mentioned a new brand of vodka yet and I kind of figured she wasn’t chatting me up (she was wearing an engagement ring!). When she started talking about her friend Luke and how great he was, I thought maybe she was a swinger on the prowl. I was quietly flattered, of course, that she thought I was that saucy (note to self: busty, green dress is a winner). Turns out, though, she was a self-proclaimed ‘wingwoman’ – a woman who methodically scouts dates for single guys.

Two minutes later she was gone; four minutes later she was back – with the aforementioned Luke. She introduced us with some nonsensical bit of chitchat, then started chatting to one of my friends. So... Luke and I talked. And he left with my number. Which I realised was the plan all along. The girl had ‘sold’ Luke to me before bringing him over. Slick as a rat with a gold tooth, I tell you.

They wingwomen is an evolution of the wingman – the friendly, confident icebreaker in a group of guys who ‘warms up’ women while the other guys hang back and wait for their invite. The popularity of the wingwoman is largely fuelled by the unpopularity of the wingman. See, us ladies are savvy to wingman ways. We’ve developed reactive defence mechanisms (sometimes, but not always, involving fake and interminable toilet trips) to use on any guy brave enough to come over and prep us for his mate, Barry the trout farmer. Now, on the other hand, if Barry the trout farmer sent over an affable young lady to subtly do some groundwork first, his chances at cracking the group might be marginally better.

The Wingwoman Way
So, this is how it works. Mr Shy Single Guy decides he’s sick of not picking up. So, he asks Good Female Friend to go with him to a bar or hires himself a wingwoman. The two settle in with a drink and discuss what Mr Shy Single Guy’s after. Wingwoman is then given her target, possibly along the lines of, ‘Wow, I wouldn’t kick that blonde in the pink top out of bed for eating Nik Naks!’, but hopefully a little more discreet than that.

Wingwoman sets off, telling Mr Shy Single Guy to come over in five minutes. She advances upon Pink Top Blonde and her friends, starts a conversation and, using flattery and friendliness, is accepted into the group. Wingwoman ensures that she drops into the conversation how great Mr Shy Single Guy is. (Soft lies may be used for efficacy.)

This paves the way for Mr Shy Single Guy to make his entrance. Once there, wingwoman introduces him, ‘Oh, here he is now – just back from his Save The Dolphins conference,’ then chats with another woman so Pink Top Blonde and Mr Shy Single Guy can get to know each other – alone.

So, Is It Better To Just Wing It?
Some women will be able to smell a wingwoman a mile off. I didn’t know what was going on when I was approached, but I did think something was up. After all, the last time a female approached me in such a friendly manner was when I was eight. (Her name was Tara; she decided that as we both had bike pants on, we should be friends). Nevertheless, my wingwoman experience proved this stealthy pick-up scheme works – I did give out my number after all.

Yep, it’s a pretty good bet for guys wanting action. (Plus, having a wingwoman sounds like they’re a superhero and they have a sidekick – attractive in itself, really). Of course, these men could just get some balls and approach women themselves, but why face possible rejection over the face of a pretty wingwoman?

That's a Wrap!

Sat, 21 Aug 2010 12:00 +0200

Today is the last day of COSMO SUMMER shoots and everyone is a little on edge. It’s been a hectic stint for the production crew – 10 days that, at times, felt like a weird combination of Groundhog Day and The Truman Show. Wake up, hair and makeup, breakfast, styling up, shoot, lunch, hair and makeup, styling up, shoot, supper, sleep, repeat, repeat, repeat… Ian’s tired of waiting for everyone in the lobby; Anthony’s tired of the vans we use as transport; Kelly’s tired of rubbing oil into models’ bodies and I’m officially tired of drinking sparkling water and feeling spare.

We’re just tired, man.

It’s a hot day, so we hit the Valley Of The Waves early. It opens to the public at 10am, and we need some clean ‘beachy’ shots for the Guess spreads. Too bad the (insert your chosen alcohol distributor here) conference doesn’t get the memo – they waltz across Anthony’s set in a manner befitting a herd of wildebeest as they make their way to the amphitheatre above us for a ‘ra ra’ power talk before they check out.

The Valley starts filling up with parents and kids, so the crew moves around to avoid the crowds. For the remainder of the morning, I’m delegated to watchdog duty – we can’t keep on moving the gear every time we do a new shot, so it stays in one place and it’s my turn to keep an eye on it. Just as well I’m there – a bunch of foreigners who speak no English move in on the reflective sunbounce and, taking it for a blanket, start spreading their worldly goods all over it as if they belong there and plan to stay. I have to resort to expansive and rather firm hand gestures to convey the ‘don’t put your stuff on this’ sentiment, but I’d rather be hated on by a bunch of strangers than face the wrath of Anthony if any of his equipment gets damaged on my watch.

And then, just like that, it’s all over. We pack the gear into one of Anthony’s beloved vans and head back to the hotel, where Groundhog Day continues with lunch. It’s the first time in a long time the whole crew’s been at lunch simultaneously; they all look a touch bemused and lost at the thought of no 3pm call time.

But the feeling doesn’t last long: taking charge, Ian organises a supermarket trip to get provisions (booze) for tonight’s wrap party and outfits (hideous) for our last day at Sun City, which we’ll be spending at the Palace. At the heated pool. With cocktails in our hands. And the possibility of a conga line once we’ve drunk them…

It’s going to be an interesting 48 hours.

Over and out.

Blowing Hot Air

Thu, 19 Aug 2010 12:00 +0200

If I could travel everywhere in a hot-air balloon, I would. But that’s not the first thought that crossed my mind as my alarm went off at 4am on the morning of Day Nine – the first thought was far more succinct. And rude. Bleary-eyed, I made my way through the casino to the lobby, unbelievably past some slot machines that were already (or still) occupied.

We were picked up by a Game Trackers guide and taken in a game-viewing (read: open-air) truck to the centre of the Pilanesberg Nature Reserve. It was pitch black and freezing cold, and there were fresh signs of elephants in the vicinity of the road. The guide’s shotgun was loaded and ready, and there were three spotlights trained on the surrounding bush. They picked out a giraffe and a couple of hares, but luckily no angry elephant herds.

In the distance, we noticed several bursts of bright light – our pilot was testing the burners, we were told. As dawn began to break, we got closer and closer to the sound of the giant fans being used to fill up the AirTrackers balloon. It was bigger than I imagined and very ‘Around The World In 80 Days’. Soon we were climbing in, blowing some hot air and taking off into the morning sky.

If you ever get a chance to ride in one of these, do not hesitate. It’s the most peaceful and balancing feeling in the world – so calm, quiet and restorative, and pretty much out of your control. The pilot can adjust the altitude but there is no way to control the speed at which the balloon moves or the direction it takes. It’s entirely dependent on the movement of the air. But you don’t think of any of that when you’re up there. In fact, in my ecstasy over not having to deal with accelerator levers, brake handles or anything that involved sitting down, I didn’t think of much at all.

So if I could travel everywhere in a hot-air balloon, I would – but I do realise how impractical it would be as transport in Cape Town. And I don’t even want to think about landing and parking one of these – at least in the Pilanesberg there are wide open spaces (albeit populated by lions and rhinos).

While I was having my lofty experience, the team was busy with underwater shots in the heated Cascades pool, some of them allegedly involving Huey. (These reports are unconfirmed and photographic evidence is scant.) In the afternoon, production moved to the Royal Staircase for the last editorial shots at the Palace. The set was briefly invaded by a troop of baboons; they strolled on through without causing too much chaos.

On the note of baboons, one tried to break into Suga’s room while she was having an afternoon nap. As in, he pulled at the handle of the sliding door – twice – as though to check whether he could get in. Perhaps, like my love-tapping elephant, he was trying to flirt with her… but only succeeded in giving her the fright of her life.

A Pain In The

Thu, 19 Aug 2010 12:00 +0200

Today, my dreams of owning a Ducati (or, for that matter, completing the Dakar Rally) were ground into dust. Quite literally.

But first things first.

I can’t really swim. I can stay afloat for a couple of minutes without drowning but I look so ridiculous doing it that I try to avoid most aqua activities. Which has nothing to do with motorbikes or dust, but it does explain why I was marginally apprehensive about trying out the Jet Skis at Waterworld on the morning of Day Eight. I hesitated for well over an hour while the team was busy with additional Havaianas shots, before our videographer Roland Sweet finally convinced me that a) I was not going to drown and b) he would not try, in any way, to upset my balance.

I did one lap of the lake with an instructor and realised there was not much trickery to the acceleration lever (you’ll see why this is funny just now). And with Roland not allowed within 10 metres of me, I was pretty sure I could stay upright too.

It turned out to be excellent fun. By lap three, I was branching out into (very slight) turns and zigzags while Roland literally made waves around me. It helped that the Sun City Jet Skis’ speed is limited to, well, nothing; even someone with my (lack of) coordination is pretty safe on them. And my parking, according to the instructor, was impeccable.

Ha.

The rock-star feeling lasted until 3pm, when I was shown how to drive my second vehicle for the day: a quad bike. While an acceleration lever was very much on my level of understanding, once two different brake handles were thrown in, I was in my own personal hand-eye-coordination hell. No matter, though, I thought: I’ll go slowly, I’ll get used to it – this too will be fun.

Negative. By the time I almost drove into a fence for the third time, I lost my sense of humour; by the time I stalled the quad bike for the fourth, so did our Game Trackers guide. Queue tears (mine), mild panic (his), frustration (ours) and the outing was headed for disaster – until Julia (who’s a quad-bike goddess) saved the day by saying she’d drive me the rest of the way.

Ever been on the back of a quad bike? Yeah, they don’t exactly come equipped with a cushy back seat. Metal bars plus rocky roads plus butt equals the fact that I now have to perch on the edge of a chair every time I sit down. And I’ll probably have to do that for a while. And while I’m not too broken up about Dakar, I’m very bleak about my shattered Ducati dream. Because if I can’t cope with a quad bike, I shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a vehicle with two wheels. Unless it’s operated by pedals – and even then…

DAY EIGHT’S SIDE NOTES:
On the editorial shoot today, Mala slipped off a rock feature and fell into freezing-cold water, but was quickly rescued by our hero Roland (who lost a pound of flesh in the process. Almost). Her hair and makeup remained miraculously intact.

Daniel, styled in white swimming trunks to match Mala’s bather in one of the shots, caused quite a twitter among the Palace’s female guests. The fan club soon grew into a bit of a crowd – and who can blame them?

Our home base for the day was the Palace’s African Suite where – we all agreed – we would not mind hanging out for the duration of our stay. Even if we had to sleep on one of the (many) couches, day beds or sun loungers. Once the shoot was wrapped and the models vacated the ‘set’ (the heated Jacuzzi on the balcony), the boys – Huey, Roland, Daniel and Ian – hopped in for a bit of bubble therapy and a couple of beers.

Some days, this job can be really tough.

Changing of the Guard

Thu, 19 Aug 2010 12:00 +0200

Day six of the SUMMER experience is a team down-day, which sees the members scatter across the resort in search of R&R. Some revert back to childhood on the water slides at the Valley Of The Waves, others sip very adult strawberry daiquiris by the heated pool at the Cascades. There are a couple of heavy-ish post-Silhouette heads being nursed back to hydration but in general, the Saturday-night damage seems minimal.

Today is also the day we say goodbye to Avril, Dean and Mignonne and welcome Daniel, Jenna, Mala and Good Hope FM’s Suga to our COSMO family. Jenna and Mala jet in straight from Fashion Week and immediately intimidate me – these girls are TALL, and Mala’s legs especially seem to stretch well into next month. Daniel is beautiful (no, really – see for yourselves!) and speaks almost no English – but he speaks Spanish, Portuguese and Italian, and has an apartment on Copa Cabana. Swoon.

Monday’s shoots are all scheduled for the Royal Baths, which is just as well because the rest of the Valley is being taken over by (insert your chosen alcohol distributor here). The organised chaos of 600-plus conference members checking into the hotel simultaneously leads to one unnecessarily long trip in the elevator and one unavoidably long wait for transport. The afternoon delay results in my first experience of ‘chasing the light’. It’s exactly as it sounds – as the sun dips behind the Palace, Jenna and Mala literally hop from light patch to light patch and pillar to post, while Anthony tries to squeeze an hour’s work into two minutes.

The sun wins and sets; the crew packs up the gear and calls it a day. I skip supper (!) and make full use of my bed and the DSTV in my room, falling asleep to the sweet sounds of Monday night football…

Are You One of Them?

Thu, 19 Aug 2010 12:00 +0200

1. One of your top-five life achievements is that in the three years the two of you have been together, you’ve only spent one night apart. Well, half a night, really – he ended up coming over at 6am for a pre-work cuddle.

2. You celebrate your anniversary, or Love Appreciation Ceremony, on the 16th... of every month.

3. After only a year together, you have a joint bank account, e-mail account (Josie_and_richie@bigpond.com), garage and – some would argue – brain.

4. One of your favourite games to play is calling up radio stations and dedicating ‘that’ Maroon 5 song to each other.

5. Your Sunday mornings are nicknamed The Ritual: cuddles, newspapers, breakfast, walk, nap then nookie.

6. When you and your friend from way back plan a catch-up dinner, you’re completely taken aback to find that she’s sitting at a table for two... Where on earth was Schnooky-woo going to sit?

7. You’re completely oblivious to the vague, bored look on your work colleague’s face when you happily recount yet another tale starting with, ‘Luke is soooo funny. Last night…’

8. You don’t even ask any more, you just automatically make his (one-quarter cold water) peppermint tea for him to have before bed each night.

9. The terms ‘proposed’, ‘bended-knee’ and ‘princess-cut solitaire’ swim around in your head daily, and you’re gagging for the moment when you can finally gush them out to your friends and family.

10. You get genuinely pissed off when your boss plans a no-partner Christmas party. Then you put up a petition on the kitchen notice board in an attempt to change her mind. If she doesn’t, you propose a boycott.

11. You sign all cards from the both of you – even if he’s never actually met Aunt Shirlene and didn’t contribute to the gift in any way.

12. You cannot physically make it to 12pm on a weekday without getting an SMS, e-mail and phone call from each other.

13. You spend weeks bidding on a signed Rolling Stones microphone on eBay for his birthday present. He then spends months painstakingly re-creating the doll’s house you loved as a seven-year-old (that your brother jumped on because you stacked his bike) when yours rolls around.

14. At fancy-dress parties, the two of you dress as Bananas in Pyjamas. And you practise dialogue to recite to other guests.

15. When you pick him up from the airport at 6am, you wear make-up, heels, a coat and lacy lingerie. He brings you perfume… And that’s just when he goes to another city for one night.

16. When friends invite you both over for dinner, you make sure to ask if there’ll be a red meat dish because ‘Ben needs his protein or he doesn’t feel like he’s had a proper meal’.

17. You talk up going out with your girlfriends for weeks, but then on the big night, after one glass of wine and 18 SMSes from him, you cancel it because you’re feeling lovesick.

18. A trip to Builders Warehouse is your big weekend event. You both get genuinely excited about buying new taps – and immediately agree on which are the nicest.

19. After one week, he’s introducing you as ‘his girl’ and you’ve already picked out names for your children and the Labrador you’ll get together.

20. In any conversation that you two have with each other, the word ‘bubba’ will be sprinkled in no less than once every second sentence.

21. You think that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a bit of a groping in the cinema. Or at the traffic lights. Or in the supermarket.

22. You read articles like this and feel really lucky to be in such a wonderful relationship... then you reach over and give your widdle bugaboo’s hair a quick ruffle.

Paying The Price?

Tue, 17 Aug 2010 12:00 +0200

I blame it on the coriander rather than the general pigging out I’ve been doing since I arrived at Sun City, but the morning of day five is a less-than-happy one for me. I’m unable to do anything other than curl up in bed, whimper for my mom and fantasise about healing chicken soup. I remain room-bound through the morning, curtains drawn and medicine at the ready, while outside the most perfect day so far unfolds.

I find out later that the crew got a bit of a workout in the morning – lugging heavy equipment cases from the Wave pool to the Royal Baths, then to the tanning pool and then up to the Palace entrance. In all of this, our project manager Julia Pretorius managed to lose several (thousand) Brownie points by getting everyone ‘lost’ in the (er) Lost City’s Palace Gardens and working their muscles just that tiny bit longer.

I can hear Huey and Anthony laughing at the Sun Terrace restaurant at lunch time but even that isn’t enough to convince me to leave the room. I remain ensconced in a sea of pillows and blankets, grateful that the curtains don’t allow even a sliver of sunshine to enter my safe place. Side note: I can report with full authority that if you leave a privacy sign on your door, you will not be disturbed by so much as a whisper, and that my Sun City Hotel bed (room 126, in case you want to request it) is one of the most comfortable I’ve ever been in.

But by supper time, I’m getting cabin fever and feel the need for human contact (and maybe a beer), so I change out of my pyjamas and join the crew for supper. I’m tempted to order dry bread but settle for a grilled chicken breast and a bowl of ice cream. There’s talk of going out en masse to Silhouette, a nightclub located at Sun City’s Entertainment Centre, but… you guessed it. Another ninja bomb, and I’m asleep within minutes – ironically dreaming of clubbing in Ibiza and kissing boys on the beach.

There’s always next week, right?

Making Waves

Tue, 17 Aug 2010 12:00 +0200

The morning of Day Four feels considerably warmer to me. Because I have to catch up on e-mails and admin early on, I miss out on the 6.30am call time (bummer) and end up having a quick breakfast by myself at about 8.30am. By 11am, I’m making my way up and down zillions of stairs to the Valley Of The Waves, where the crew has spent a very productive morning shooting AC Activewear. My bag of snacks is welcomed with far more enthusiasm than I am, and is demolished in less than 10 minutes – clearly I’m not the only person obsessed with food on this trip.

Her work for the morning done, Avril has a snooze on the sand. In the meantime, Mignonne shows us the tricks she’s learnt from the monkeys that have been such a prominent feature of our stay at Sun City by scaling the lifeguard’s tower. (The lifeguard himself is on the other side of the wave pool with a pair of binoculars trained in her direction, rather than in the direction of the lone swimmer.) This is the setting for part one of the Guess shoot; part two takes place in the pool itself, leaving me grateful again that I’m not the one getting wet.

As we make our way out of the Valley, we throw a couple of hissy glances at the crew from FHM who are here to shoot lingerie. They’re scouting locations and, by the looks of them, are not above playing dirty in a turf war.

Lunch is a quickie before we head out to the Cascades hotel and make our way to the swing bridge for some more Guess work. The boys on the crew behave in a far more mature way than they did during the reccie and the bridge remains, for the most part, motionless. There are several monkeys around, undoubtedly drawn by the snack basket, and while they keep an eye on our food, makeup artist Kelly Boers keeps an even closer eye on them to make sure they stay out of her kit. A rather strange man swans onto the set and starts snapping away with a camera phone, before Ian chases him away with some well-chosen phrases.

Then it’s off to Waterworld for a bit of Havaianas fun. The shoot goes quickly; while we wait for transport, Dean shows off his gymnastic past with some somersaults and the 10-year-olds inside all of us come out to play on a kids’ slide. This keeps us busy until the van arrives to take us back to the hotel.

We all have tickets to the 8pm show at the Sun City Theatre, but I feel myself falling asleep over my plate of minestrone (which, due to somebody’s misguided idea of soup-making, contains a field’s worth of coriander and is, therefore, rendered inedible to me). I don’t even make excuses – executing a perfect ninja bomb, I’m back in my room and asleep by 8.30pm. On a Friday night.

I must be getting old.

Who's Game?

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 12:00 +0200

It’s 8am on Day 3 of the COSMO SUMMER Swimwear adventure, and we’re on our way to the Pilanesberg Game Reserve for a mini safari – a little break from the daily routine of hair, makeup and tiny bikinis. It’s just as well that nobody has to strip down to their unmentionables today – the temperature overnight peaked at a lofty 6°C and my chin is going numb from the cold. Wrapped in blankets we try to ignore the fresh breeze rushing through the game-viewing truck (which is moving at the breakneck speed of 15km/h on the reserve’s dirt roads). Then the engine cuts out and in the comparative silence we hear our guide, Solomon (‘Like the king’, he says), utter one word:

‘Rhino.’

There’s a flurry of activity and camera clicks, and the three male white rhino are immortalised in 25 different ways from 25 different angles. Even I’m snapping away madly and I hardly ever get excited about animals. Unless I’m acting like one, that is.

As game drives go, this one is a roaring success: in addition to the rhino, we see herds of impala, kudu and springbok; a couple of hippos languishing in the dam; a lonely buzzard that looks as though it’s had a bit of a rough night; and some mildly ridiculous warthogs strutting around with their tails high up in the air. There’s also a rare sighting of a pride of lions up on a hillside and giraffes and zebras off in the distance, as well as a rather close encounter with a heard of wild elephants. The dominant male is nothing like the sweet, gentle creatures whose tongues I tickled only yesterday. He looks at us with suspicion and takes a couple of menacing steps forward; this makes Solomon fire up the truck and move on rather swiftly.

It’s rare for the crew to have a morning off, so we make the most of it by stopping at the local supermarket and stocking up on all the junk food we’ve been craving over the past few days. I walk away with bags of popcorn and biltong, and head straight back to the Sun City Hotel for lunch.

Clearly I’m not over my food obsession.

With lunch out of the way, the team jumps right back into the SUMMER schedule. The afternoon’s Edgars shoot is soft and gentle, and quite beautiful; six shots are captured without a hitch before we catch Avril demolishing a bag of crisps. Yes, I know – I was also surprised to see that models eat junk food, like the rest of us mortals. But looking at Avril’s petite frame and hearing how she exercises for a whopping 25 minutes each day. I vow to myself that I will never again let anything other than celery, spinach and broccoli pass my lips…

… And then I find myself sitting at the dinner table at Santorini restaurant in the Cascades, stuffing my face with haloumi, calamari and spanakopita.

Some people, I find, just cannot be helped. But at least I got to have the spinach.