Are You His ATM?
Walking into her high school reunion a year ago, Caroline* felt a buzz of excitement. A decade earlier, she'd been a shy matric, too intimidated to talk to the opposite sex. But she'd since landed a top job in the city with a massive salary and generous bonuses, she'd bought her own home, had a great car and a wardrobe of fabulous clothes.
Unlike when she was at school, men were finally taking notice of her. 'l did use my money as a means of attracting men,' admits Caroline. 'l'd never been able to get guys as a teenager because l wasn't very outgoing and they just weren't interested. When I was in a position to splash out, my popularity increased overnight, and as l grew bolder, l'd start chatting up men in bars.'
So when Caroline arrived at the reunion, she was able to face her old friends with a new self-confidence they hardly recognised. Everyone knew what a success she'd made of herself - and one old classmate, Peter*, seemed particularly impressed. Back in matric, when everyone fancied him, he'd barely noticed Caroline, but now he made a beeline for her and she was thrilled. 'He was in his third year at university, living off a grant. But that didn't put me off - I still fancied him like crazy,' she says.
They started dating and were three months into the relationship when Caroline started to feel uncomfortable. 'At first I didn't mind paying for him - he was a student and I was working - but I noticed that he always chose the classiest restaurants and ordered the most expensive dishes on the menu. When he moaned about having no decent clothes, I bought him a whoIe new wardrobe. I often "Ioaned" him money but he never attempted to pay it back. And although we went on numerous holidays together, he didn't contribute once.'
Caroline started to suspect that Pete wasn't as attracted to her as she was to him. 'l can see now that he didn't find me sexy. We only saw each other once a week, at the most, because he said he was too busy studying. ln bed, l sensed that his mind was elsewhere.'
His mind was indeed elsewhere - unbeknown to Caroline, Pete was engaged to someone else (who wasn't wealthy), and was wining and dining her with the money Caroline had lent him to pay off his debts. She discovered the betrayal when she scrolled through his cell phone and read SMSes from the other woman. 'l felt so humiliated that at just 26 l'd been used as a 'sugar mommy'.' She reckons that being Pete's girlfriend cost her about R110 000 in total.
A report published by Barclays Wealth Management in the UK states that in 20 years' time, 60% of the world's wealth will be controlled by women. By 2020, female millionaires will outnumber male ones due to career success and sensible money management. For the first time, the stereotype of the female gold-digger is being reversed. Now it's just as likely that a man will seek out a partner for her money.
TAKEN FOR A FINANCIAL RIDE
And you don't have to be earning mega-bucks for it to happen to you. Even in a seemingly normal relationship you may find you've gradually become the Bank of Girlfriend. Felicity* and John* believed they could be happy, in spite of the huge difference in their incomes. Felicity, 28, runs her own advertising agency, while John is an illustrator who picks up commissions when he can. 'When we met, it was definitely love,' says Felicity. 'But John always seemed to be broke. After a year I encouraged him to move into my flat, suggesting that whenever he had money he could use it to clear his debts and occasionally treat us to an evening out.'
As time went on, Felicity noticed John wasn't even making the effort to find work. 'l was paying his debts, as well as all our living expenses. He took me out for dinner just once and then complained about the cost,' she explains. 'Eventually, he just moped around the house all day or spent his time in the local bar. l know l made it too easy for him, but l started to really resent him.'
The final straw came when Felicity asked John if he'd mind tidying the flat - after all, it seemed crazy to have a cleaning lady when she had to vacuum around him. 'l was dumbstruck when John asked me for R200 for three hours' cleaning – just less than l paid the cleaner. l refused, but l did buy him a pair of trousers which he badly needed. Only after accepting them did he tell me they wouldn't do in lieu of payment and he said he didn't want to be my 'slave'. Our relationship broke down and l finally threw him out.'
Denise Knowles, a relationship counsellor, says a financial imbalance, where the woman is supporting the man, cannot sustain when the woman feels she's not getting any emotional or practical support in return. However, the fallout is greater for those who
have been deliberately targeted. 'Afterwards, you feel like an idiot. And once the grieving process for the relationship is complete, there's a need to rebuild your self-esteem,' says Knowles. 'If a woman has been manipulated in this way, she'll need to be cautious before starting a new relationship.'
American author Ginie Polo Sayles goes so far as to give advice to male gold-diggers in her book How to Marry the Rich. She advises men to take a job in the private lounge of an airport, or attend AA meetings in affluent areas (where the women will be both rich and vulnerable). She also says that in the absence of a high income, men should use an athletic skill to attract a rich lover. Dating website www.match.com reports a rise in men who specify they want to date only women above a certain income level. In 2004, 51% of men specified a minimum income for dates, up from 37% in 2001.
Rob*, a 29-year-old artist, admits to being a serial gold-digger. ln his late teens, he worked as a model and was spotted by the head of a fashion house. The woman (who was in her forties and married) offered him a head sales job at her flagship store, even though he had no experience.
'The deal was clear - all I had to do was sleep with her, which wasn't that difficult,' says Rob. 'She was attractive and powerful, and I soon convinced myself that I preferred the company of an older woman. It was easy to confuse material love with emotional love and to become dependent on a person who could give you everything.' When his lover's husband eventually found out about them, Rob was swiftly dumped. He kept his job, but not the lifestyle that she'd paid for. 'At first, I was a wreck,' he says, 'but gradually I realised it was the money that I missed.' Rob then made it his business to seek out older, rich women, and has been a successful 'money bunny' for 10 years. 'Some of the women wanted marriage but l couldn't take it that far. I've always thought, l'll give up the gigolo stuff once I've made money of my own, and then marry someone I really love.'
A trawl through the internet reveals that this 'personality type' is far from rare. It appears young 'studs' offer their services in the bedroom in exchange for all the trappings wealth can bring. In one blog alone, a dozen men in their twenties brag about their sugar mommies. 'She paid for my iPod, a new sound system and a Ducati motorbike,' writes one 22-year-old about his 37-year-old lover. Another 'money bunny' explains, 'All I have to do is tell her I love her and remember not to eye up young girls when she's around.'
Posing as a rich, older woman, I replied to adverts where young men were actively seeking sugar mommies. I didn't even post a photograph, but I was still inundated with offers. One 25-year-old web designer was offering his services as 'house boy'. 'I'm good-looking, great in bed and will make you feel young again,' he wrote. 'I'm happy to live in your house and help out when I can, and you can show me off to your friends.'
So I called Sean* and asked him how much he wanted to be my 'live-in boyfriend'.
'As long as you cover my rent, bills and living expenses, I don't need more than R5000 a week,' he told me. When I asked if he'd have a problem sleeping with a woman he might not find attractive, he told me, 'That side of things is easy if I get paid well.'
Knowles says, 'There's a specific personality type who loves the idea of money and lifestyle above the person, themselves. Anyone who does this serially never truly falls in love; they fall in love with what the person can provide.'
So if you're proud of your success and happy with your bank balance, don't reveal your salary. As with conversations about exes and babies, keep your pay slip off-limits for those first crucial dates - no woman wants to be her boyfriend's ATM.
*Names have been changed.