My first-ever best friend was a girl called Kathy Burke. We met in the playground and for 15 years we exchanged secrets, complained about families and teachers and discussed boys and clothes. Then, as friends sometimes do, we slipped out of sync. Although I remember her fondly, as I hope she remembers me, I went my way, she went hers and we never saw each other again.
If romantic love is a swing, thrilling and aiming for the sky, then friendships are see-saws, moored to earth and dependent on balance. But it seems more and more friendships are ending in tears. Why? Because these days women don't just leave school and home – they change lifestyles, ambitions, jobs and partners with an ease that would have horrified our grandmothers. In our 20s, especially, we're free to choose – and freedom comes at a price. Each situation we decide to change can leave friendships out of balance; equals become bosses, Miss becomes Mrs, trust becomes envy and once-brilliant friends can become enemies. Often you just discover that a shared love of A-ha at 14 doesn't cut it at 25.
Breaking a friendship is as painful whether you're the one breaking it or the jilted friend, but it can be equally painful to continue a bad friendship. If you wouldn't stay with a boyfriend who didn't understand or support you and your life choices, why would you stay with a friend who didn't?
Often, like it or not, there are pivotal times when we find ourselves considering ending a friendship. Will it be hideous? Probably. But armed with the right perspective you can establish if this is the step you really need to take, and do it with as little pain as possible.
WHEN YOU GROW APART
'I took two years off to travel and then I got a job in television,' explains Jenny, 24. 'But now whenever I go home all my so-called friends who have local jobs and husbands seem to resent me. I feel hurt. It makes me want to tell them what I think of them...'
Jenny opted out when she chose to travel while her friends stayed at home – she changed, and they did too. Jenny needs to find friends on her new wavelength, but leave the door open for re-establishing former friendships on a fresh footing.
Friends from the past, like Jenny's, will be on the defensive. The important thing is to be curious about them, to ask about their lives, to reminisce but never to be superior about your own advances. Dress down, as they'll be looking for signs of showing off – not because they dislike or envy you, but because the choices you've made will make them defensive about their own.
WHEN SHE NEGLECTS YOU
'Since she started dating this guy who I really don't like, I never see her anymore!' Versions of this complaint are practically a daily event for women. With small, often-distant families and the persistent threat of loneliness, being 'dumped' for a man can hit hard.
But is it grounds for friendship divorce? No. Love is a dominant new part of her life, forcing her to reorganise her priorities – including her relationships with friends. Keep in touch with friendly texts and e-mails until the blaze of early love cools. Force yourself to see her boyfriend with a welcoming, uncritical eye. If, or when, you have a new man or a good male friend, suggest a friendly foursome. If everyone gets on, you'll have hours of quality time with your friend.
However, if your best friend can't abide your man and constantly questions your choice, tell her you value her friendship but if she can't accept your partner, that means she can no longer accept you, either. Just be sure she doesn't have good reason to dislike him. Speak honestly, without anger. Put the decision for the future of your friendship firmly in her court. If she makes an effort, encourage it and try to see her and your man with other friends so she becomes used to him as part of a group. If she continues to sulk or badmouth him, it could be time to stop calling her and let your friendship drift. Sad, yes, but it will be with the knowledge that you were honest and did your best.
WHEN ONE OF YOU CHEATS
'My mate Carla and I have been friends since we worked together in our first PR jobs, but last week I could have sworn she was coming on to my boyfriend, Matt,' says Steph, 28. 'When I mentioned my fears to another friend, she revealed Carla had also slept with my ex. I'm fuming!'
Sexual betrayal is another story; two women who fall for the same man can instantly turn from life-long mates to sworn enemies. One slip-up might be forgivable – that depends on you alone. But repeated attempted seductions of your lovers make her a traitor and traitors are nobody's friend. You're entitled to be angry, but if you bump into her, act cool. Try not to rant about what happened to mutual friends who are bound to confront her, as this will give her a chance to defend herself or lie. If you must talk about your grievance, tell one close friend (you can be sure she will report it to the others). Restraint and dignity under trying circumstances will win respect: their respect and your own self-respect, too.
WHEN FRIENDSHIP AND WORK COLLIDE
Having friends in the office is great; people to pop out for lunch with and vent about your boss's crazy demands. But competition is keen; even gossip has a competitive edge because it makes a momentary star of the teller. Spilling confidential beans is very tempting and blabbing is a major cause of workplace bust-ups. That's why the best tactic for avoiding the disappointment of a bad friend at work is prevention: if you're the new girl, be cordial and friendly. But don't confide in anyone until you've sussed office politics. Watch the team closely; ask diplomatic questions of the longer-term team members, even when you think you know the answer. Only make intimate friends with those who share a pastime or a passion beyond office hours.
If a relationship deteriorates so much you have to distance yourself from a work friend, draw back without drama. If she has any sensitivity, she'll get the point. However, if you have to work closely, try to avoid one-on-one time together and if she expects to see you after work hours, drag others along. Passionate hatred is as unprofessional in the workplace as passionate love.
WHEN SHE'S AN EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE
There's always need in friendship and in love, but sometimes it's insatiable. Phone calls at all hours, possibly drunk, cries for consolation or advice that she never takes. Constant borrowing – your clothes, your friends, your men... This is a friend who sets no limits. This is a friend to finish with for self-preservation's sake, if nothing else. If she has a specific problem, such as drink or depression, ease your feelings of guilt by providing her with contacts for support groups. Then simply burn that bridge. Stop answering when you see her number on your cellphone and stop calling her back when she leaves a flurry of voicemails. When you bump into her, be on your way to somewhere else. Be prepared for her to hate you when she catches on. But you'll have less reason to hate yourself than if you let her drain you and dominate your life.
WHEN ENVY STRIKES
Nine times out of 10, envy – yours or hers – is the source of a break-up. The rage you feel when she wins the man, the job or the admiration is completely illogical, based on the false, often subconscious, belief that she stole her triumph from you! And that vice, of course, is versa if she's the one who envies your achievement. Envy is self-defeating, because it provides an excuse for failure. Why bother trying? She has it all!
However, it's hard to admit envy and easier to disguise it behind false accusations and recriminations. First, recognise envy exists, whether it's hers or your own; only then can you free yourself. It isn't easy, but it's the only way to end the friendship peacefully. And it must end. Keeping an envious friendship going is like trying to ride a bull, not a see-saw. Some friendships can last forever but equally some have to end.
COPING WITH FRIENDSHIP FALL-OUT
So it's over. But you know the same people and have the same hangouts – so you're bound to meet again. Here's how to handle those tricky moments...
| Tip #1 |
Courtesy is a useful weapon. Greet her, smile and move on. It will make you feel better and, if the friendship ended in her treachery, seeing you rise above it will make her feel worse. |
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