Wise Up, Brown Owl

Some things from our childhoods are best left behind – such as KTV and trying to dress like Madonna. And Brownies. What did you learn at Brownies? The words to ‘Campfire’s Burning’? How to find north using a needle and a dish of water? What still helps you today? Probably not much. And the little brown uniforms were even more harmful to our young, impressionable sense of style than Madonna. Now it’s time for you to earn the new and improved COSMO-style Brownie badges.

CRAFTY FOX
There really is no need for a COSMO girl to know the difference between appliqué and macramé. Being handy should be about necessity, not some unnatural urge to create embroidered, country-style toilet-paper covers.
EARN THIS BADGE BY… demonstrating inventive use of double-sided tape to control wayward breasts or of a stapler to repair a hem in a hurry.

CONSERVATIONIST
Yes, we like lions and giraffes too, but a seriously wild life has nothing to do with the bushveld. It can be way tougher on the club scene in the city than in the Kruger National Park.
EARN THIS BADGE BY… being the star of three different parties on a Friday night, then emerging calmly on Saturday for a heavy day’s shopping.

DRAMA QUEEN
Brownies taught us to be caring and kind, and while those are good things to be, there’s also always a place for a well-timed tantrum. When being ignored by a bank manager or after being burnt by a stray cigarette at a bar, it helps to be able to lose it until the other person gets it. This is not a skill to be used lightly, though – otherwise you’re just a brat.
EARN THIS BADGE BY… successfully getting exactly what you want by two of the following means: shouting, glaring, stamping your feet, crying or threatening.

CLEVER CHEF
After learning to make yummy brownies at Brownies, some of us completed the optional (but not recommended) transitional badge test where we baked magical cookies that made us slow and hungry. Moving on, you can either go the scary Bree van de Kamp route, where every meal’s a masterpiece, or you can be a clever chef who knows life’s too short to soak chickpeas.
EARN THIS BADGE BY… making a yummy dinner for two using just the two-minute noodles and assorted canned goodies in your cupboard.

OUTDOOR BABE
All that nonsense about pitching a tent and building a fire became useless the moment we realised we could delegate to men. (And when we realised hotels had hot water and hairdryers.)
EARN THIS BADGE BY… still looking superstylish in your ripped jeans, biker jacket and hat after a weekend at a rainy, muddy music festival.

ANIMAL LOVER
In the COSMO Brownie-badge system, the emphasis is on the word ‘lover’. As in: if you’ve passed this badge test, you’re an animal in bed. Or on the kitchen table. Or anywhere else.
EARN THIS BADGE BY… trying all the positions in our Sex section in one weekend – or making up three of your own.

ENVIRONMENTAL ACTIVIST
Leave cleaning up litter to primary schools – kids look cuter in the newspaper photos anyway. Drive a hybrid car, get solar power, recycle and don’t forget your main environmental responsibility: to make sure nobody sullies the landscape by looking unnecessarily ugly.
EARN THIS BADGE BY… making a citizen’s arrest of, and then rehabilitating, anyone who commits one of the following fashion offences: head-to-toe denim, platform shoes, a mullet, pleated jeans.

HELPING HAND
When last did you see a little old lady standing on a pavement looking like she wanted to cross the road? How often do you wash your parents’ cars these days? There are people in far more desperate need of your help.
EARN THIS BADGE BY… wrestling the cellphone away from a drunk friend who’s missing her ex, then force-feeding her a big glass of water and two Panados before putting her to bed.

Author: Kerry Rogers