Moms and dads cop a lot of blame. Comes with the territory, really. But blaming them for our shortcomings doesn't make those shortcomings go away. Experts say, we need to understand how their behaviour has shaped us, then reshape the negative aspects ourselves. While run-of-the-mill 'bad' parenting (broken promises, favouritisms, etc) is nothing compared to abuse, it does do damage. Such a childhood experience can lead to toxic relationships, bad career choices and anxiety. But you can get over it – for good. Here we identify common parent-related issues, and show how to put that pitiful childhood behind you…
WHAT WAS YOUR PARENTAL MISGUIDANCE?
They Were Overprotective
'My parents were so overprotective I couldn't do anything. I didn't go out with boys until I was in grade 12. Then I got serious with the first guy I met at university and stayed in a controlling, abusive relationship for three years,' says Kathy*, 26. Parents like Kathy's can raise kids who have no belief in their own ability to handle situations. 'This can leave a person feeling intimidated by the smallest incident,' says psychologist Jane Dannerup. It can also prevent you from accepting responsibility for your own life, which can leave you incapable of managing your money and choosing the right friends.
They Burdened You With Their Problems
'When l was growing up, my divorced mum used to make me help her pick sexy clothes for dates. She was always crying on my shoulder. Ever since, I've been so involved with other people's problems, I haven't a clue who I am,' says Tanya*, 29, who's realised her relationships tend to revolve around her friends' needs. Parents who share the burdens of adult life with their kids deny them space to discover the world at their own pace. 'You may have lost out on aspects of your childhood,' says clinical psychologist David Zlotnick. There's also a risk you'll grow up taking too much responsibility for others, read: easily taken advantage of.
They Had No Time For You
'My parents were so wrapped up in their own lives that we barely saw them. It was never a "good time" to talk to them,' says Linda*, 32. 'The children of self-obsessed parents often grow up feeling not only unloved but also unlovable,' Zlotnick says. This can lead you to stay detached in relationships and can cause you to become overinvested in, for instance, the acquisition of material possessions.
They Always Treated Your Differently From Your Brothers
Gender discrimination within families is still common and can have a lasting impact on a person. Dannerup says girls raised in families where their brothers were favoured are often ill-equipped for today's society – they tend to put their own needs last or are rebellious, defensive or easily offended.
They Were Always Arguing
'If you grew up in a home where there was a lot of fighting, you may often experience feelings of anxiety and helplessness,' Zlotnick says. You may also harbour a deep sense of guilt, believing you were to blame for some of the hostility.
MOVING ON
| 1. Accept They Are Human |
4. Talk About It
Your bad feelings have been compounding for years, which isn't healthy. Talking about it helps us move on. 'If you work out where your insecurities or fears come from, they no longer have power over you,' says Morris. 'The past is history – it's the impact it has on you today that you need to be aware of.' |
| 2. Be Aware Of The Impact |
| 3. See The Positives |
| 4. Talk About It |
*Names have been changed