If Only We Had These Super Superpowers

So, Superman can fly, Spider-Man can shoot webs out of his wrists and The Incredible Hulk can turn green. Big deal. Those guys are wimps compared with Wonder Woman, who can fly, deflect bullets and detect lies – all while wearing sexy spiked boots and hot pants.

Still, we can think of even more satisfying superpowers than those. If only a meteorite shower would come along and endow us with them, we could get down to using them – sometimes in wicked ways....

SCREEN GRAB
So you’re watching the latest music videos and you see a fabulous mini or a great pair of Blahniks. Want them? Simply point your finger at the TV and your Screen Grab Beam will suck the fabulous fashion goodies out of the box, depositing them in a pile on your lounge floor. Naturally, everything will be your size.
WICKED USE: If your housemate forgets it’s her night to do the dishes, you would be able to replace her entire wardrobe with Sally Spectra’s shoulder-padded designs from The Bold And The Beautiful.

AIRLIFT
Isn’t it irritating when you go to a concert only to spend the entire time gazing at a speaker stack or the back of some groupie’s head? Next time you need a clearer view of John Legend or Arno Carstens – or, more to the point, want him to get a clearer view of you – simply point your toes towards the ground and float up into the air. When you’re high enough, relax your toes again and you’ll hover at the optimal stage-viewing height.
WICKED USE: Rise up about 1,65m and you’re just about the right height to kick your mean boss in the teeth.

WIND POWER
There’s never a big fan around when you need one – you know, the kind models stand in front of so their hair blows around in a sexy way. Well, you don’t need an industrial fan if you have Wind Power. With a single pout, your own gust of wind comes along, giving you big, beautiful supermodel hair that tosses and waves. Handy for making men fall for you and for making women (thinner ones, for example) jealous.
WICKED USE: Call up this power at a party and let your luscious mane flick people (thinner ones, for example) in the eyes. That’ll teach them to get in your way.

ZAP STARE
Imagine a plate of slap chips had no kilojoules whatsoever. Easy! Just open your eyes really wide – as superheroes do when they’re concentrating – and stare at the food. Zap! Every last kilojoule is instantly vaporised, leaving you to enjoy your fourth slice of cheesecake free of guilt.
WICKED USE: lf you squint slightly while doing the Zap Stare, you can have the kilojoules transferred instead of vaporised straight onto the thighs of your ex’s new girlfriend!

CREEP SHIELD
This is bad news for all those drunken students with beer breath and middle-aged men with comb-overs who hang around nightclubs thinking we want them to hit on us. Next time a creep approaches you, just activate your Creep Shield. The impenetrable 360° force field that forms around you will render him unable to feel you up accidentally-on-purpose. It will also deflect any ridiculous pick-up line he may be trying on you, amplifying it by a deafening 10 times and blaring it back into his ears.
WICKED USE: By touching a woman next to you, you can make the Creep Shield appear around her. lf you’d like that cute guy to hit on you instead of her, simply brush her with a fingertip, activate the shield and he’ll be bounced away from her - and straight towards you. Oops!

Author: Kerry Rogers